Aight. Even if the title of this article seems a bit…odd at first, hear me out. For starters, let’s begin with some data. Did you know that, reportedly, somewhere around 53 percent of people under 30, 37 percent of people between the ages of 30-49, and 20 percent of those between the ages of 50-64 either have used or are currently using dating apps (for the record, and I think this will come as no surprise, Gen Z actually prefers meeting people online)?
As far as the dating apps that led to some type of long-term success, a survey from The Knot says that Hinge leads the pack (with 35 percent) followed by Tinder (with 25 percent). Then, if you take into account a Lovehoney survey of 2000 people, which revealed that 60 percent of men and 42 percent of women have admitted to having sex on the first date — uh-huh, now do you see why a piece like this is both relevant and necessary?
Virtual dating isn’t going anywhere any time soon, and although “first date sex” used to be somewhat taboo, clearly, that isn’t even close to being the case anymore. So, since both are a big part of our culture, let’s explore how to approach merging the two (if you’ve been wondering if you should…that is).
What’s the Purpose/Agenda of a First Date?
GiphyOkay, so let’s start by laying a bit of foundation because, personally, I am a big believer that when we don’t know the purpose of something, it’s almost guaranteed that on some level and in some way, we are going to either misuse or abuse it — dating is no exception. And what’s the purpose of a first date?
To get to know if there is more of a connection than just an initial attraction or surface-level chemistry (check out “What's The Difference Between Chemistry And Compatibility?”). And honestly, that’s why all of the social media debates about women expecting a $200 date off the rip and men expecting sex in return if that does indeed go down are nothing short of nauseating to me. ON BOTH SIDES, all it sounds like is a transactional hustle.
Nothing about that type of motive says, “I’m trying to see if there is something real here;” both are about nothing more than how much juice is in the squeeze (and that’s putting it politely — SMDH).
Although there are dozens of reasons why I think dating has become so chaotic for a lot of people these days, here are two of the main ones as it relates to this article in particular:
1) More people need to remember what author M. Scott Peck once said, "Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it." When it comes to first dates, specifically, that’s why I don’t get what all of the drama is behind coffee dates. While TikTok is telling you that agreeing to those means that you are settling, if you value your time, you absolutely aren’t — especially if there have been no real conversations prior to the initial meet-up.
A coffee date or drinks after work doesn’t say, “He’s cheap,” so much as, “If there’s something here, then we can build on that. If there’s not, you got 30 minutes of my time; no harm, no foul.” Time is something that you can never get back, so why waste it? Besides, if you feel the need to brag about going on an expensive dinner, go out with some of your girls, and y’all split the tab.
At least you’ll know that you’re going to have a good time because you actually know those people (by the way, if that triggers you, that already reveals a lot, as far as your motives are concerned). No one should need a date to validate them — especially a first date. If they do, there’s some stuff going on that a date, a man nor a relationship is going to fix (just sayin’).
2) Talk to the long-term couples who are 50+ (if they’re 50, that now means they were in college in the early 90s, by the way). Ask them about what dating was like when they were younger and single. I’m wiling to bet that, for one thing, expensive ass first dates weren’t even on their radar, and two, it was rare that they went out with someone before talking to them, at least a couple of times on the phone.
Yep, as semi-antiquated as it may sound in the world that we live in now, it was pretty standard that if you saw a stranger who caught your attention, you would get their number, talk on the phone to see how the two of you vibe and then some successful conversations down the line, if you both believed that something was there between the two of you, you would mutually decide to go on a date.
And because some type of foundation was already laid, if the first date did end up going beyond just coffee or drinks, it was because the two of you had already invested time — you already knew that you wanted more. And honestly, to me, that is one of the benefits of virtual dating or talking on the phone for a couple of weeks before going on a first date — you can actually get to know someone…beyond what you can get out of them.
“Sex on the First Date” Has Levels to It
GiphyAnd when you take into account all of what I just said, it seems to me that there are two kinds of “sex on the first date” scenarios that should be pondered. One is the kind where you meet someone, text each other about a place to meet up, get to know each other for 1-2 hours max, and then go back to somebody’s place to get it in. The other is when you meet someone and, whether online or by phone, you both decide to ease into things by talking first…for a while. Then, after an awesome first date, sex comes naturally to both of you.
And how long is a while? I mean, because this platform is for women — until you feel safe. Until you have asked the kind of questions that make you feel like you want to spend more time with him on a deeper level. Until you get that his intentions aren’t just shallow…or physical. Until you know that you aren’t just attracted to him — you know that there are things about his personality and character that you actually like. Until you want to go on a first date.
And unless the two of you are talking for 2-3 hours a day, every day, for a week straight, you can’t really come to this kind of conclusion in record time. It may take a few weeks or even a few months — and that is perfectly fine. Someone who wants to know you for you is going to be okay with communication being set as the foundation of the relationship that the two of you are potentially building anyway, so…by the time that you both decide to meet up for a first date, it will be the icing on the cake.
And, because you actually like him for him, the kind of date that he plans, you won’t be grading it based on nothing more than the price tag; it’s a win for all parties involved.
Okay, so if you do decide to go the route of a “slow build,” you do take your time before a first date, and then you do decide to have sex with him — does it constitute as “first date sex”? I mean, technically, probably. However, the reputation of first-date sex is someone is getting to know everything about you (you know what I mean) without knowing much about you at all. On the other hand, when you opt to communicate for some time before a first date (and the sex that follows), it’s not so casual…and yes, that makes it — different.
3 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Sleeping with Anyone New
GiphyNow that I hope I’ve brought some peace of mind to if it’s a standard “sex on the first date” type of situation if you’ve been virtually hanging out with someone for a while, let’s talk about some of the main things that you should consider before having sex with anyone who you are beginning to interact with on a physical level.
What is the energy like?
One day, I’m going to write about how true it is that energy is exchanged during sex. A big part of the reason is that we are sources of energy — and honestly, the kind of energy that you experience with someone when you’re not in their physical presence vs. when you actually are? It tends to be quite different.
Therefore, it’s a good idea to intentionally “tap in” to see what kind of vibes are exchanged when you’re around each other before deciding to take it there because there is a possibility that how you feel about someone in person may be different than how you do online or over the phone.
What type of sexual accountability conversations have you had?
One of the biggest mistakes that people make is thinking that real life is a soap opera or a rom-com — for instance, you can have sex, and there be no real consequences. Chile, please.
Don’t ever put yourself in the position where you think that the two of you connect so well that you shouldn’t talk about how often you both get tested, what your approaches are to birth control, what your sexual deal-breakers are, and what your sexual expectations may be.
And listen, if all of this seems like too much for a first date, then you already have your answer about if you should have sex after the first date…RIGHT? Because how is it that you don’t want to get into his mind, yet you’re okay with him getting inside of you? Nope. Uh-uh. Nada.
What would sex on the first date accomplish?
Back when I used to mentor teen moms in public schools here in Nashville, I would always call them out whenever they told me that unprotected sex “just happened.” NO. IT. DOES. NOT. There are so many steps involved, from calling the person, setting up a plan, meeting up, pulling off clothes, etc. — all of us have plenty of opportunities to rethink what we are doing. Same goes for first-date sex.
Listen, no matter how much you are feeling the guy from communicating before the date and even more once you meet him, take the time to ask yourself, “What will sex right now accomplish?” An accomplishment is something that brings about credibility. An accomplishment is something that makes you feel fulfilled. An accomplishment is something that causes you to believe that you achieved something great.
That said, if all you’re after is a good time and maybe an orgasm, perhaps sex on the first date will be an accomplishment for you. However, if after starting off solid with this new guy, if you’re not sure what sex will accomplish, in the grand scheme of things, pause until you know. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that — and the right guy for you will agree.
____
Bottom line, if it’s a first real date and you do have sex after it, yes — you just had sex on a first date. Although, when there has been a foundation built prior to it, via healthy communication…it’s less risky and something that you (typically) can feel more confident about — especially if you take all of what I just said into (serious) account.
Sis, when it comes to giving any of yourself to someone new — online or not — please make sure that you do.
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In an xoNecole exclusive, the mom of two opened up about many things, including starting her wellness journey at 13 years old. However, a near-death experience during a procedure at 20 made her start taking her health more seriously.
“There's so many different levels, and now, I'm in a space of just integrating all of this good stuff that I've learned just about just being human, you know?” Dreka tells us. “So it's also fun because it's like a journey of self-discovery and self-mastery. That's what I call it. So it's never-ending.”
Courtesy
If you follow Dreka, then you’re familiar with her holistic lifestyle, as she’s no stranger to promoting wellness, self-care, and holistic living. She even lives part-time on a Mississippi farm, not far from her grandmother and great-grandmother’s farm, where she spent some summers as a child.
While her grandmother and great-grandmother have passed on, Dreka reflects on that time in her life and how having a farm as an adult is her getting back to her roots. “So the farm was purchased back in 2017, and it was like, ah, that'll just be a place where we go when we're not touring or whatever,” she said.
“But COVID hit, and I was there, and I was on the land, and I just started remembering back to going to my grandmother's during the summertime and freaking picking peas and going and eating mulberries off the freaking tree in the bushes.
“And she literally had cotton plants. I know some people feel weird about picking cotton and stuff. She had cotton plants and I would go and pick cotton out of her garden. And she had chickens, and I literally just broke down in tears one day when I was on the farm just doing all the things, and I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm literally getting back to my roots.”
"I literally just broke down in tears one day when I was on the farm just doing all the things, and I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm literally getting back to my roots."
You can catch glimpses of Dreka’s farm life on Instagram, which shows her picking fruit and vegetables and loving on her animals like her camel Eessa. Her passion for growing and cultivating led her to try and grow all of her ingredients for her wellness brand, Dreka Wellness. However, she quickly realized that she might be biting off more than she could chew. But that didn’t stop her from fulfilling her vision.
Watch below as Dreka talks more about her business, her wellness tips, breaking toxic cycles, becoming a doula, and more.
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My journey into enjoying brown spirits began during Megan Thee Stallion's hot girl era in my mid-twenties. Between 2018 and 2019, she had every Black girl I know singing along to "Big Ole Freak" and my personal favorite, "Cognac Queen," while driving the boat. Upon my first taste, I realized that I enjoyed brown spirits much more than tequila, vodka, or gin. Growing up in a household where drinking wasn't encouraged, I didn't try wine until I was 19 and didn't taste hard alcohol until I was 21.
My initial experiences with vodka and whatever tequila was trendy in college felt different from this era; it felt more intentional.
As I entered my thirties, I sought a more refined drinking experience. Still a hot girl, just a refined hot girl with limits. Alongside my newfound love for sustainable Black-owned wine, my go-to drink became a French 75 with D'usse instead of gin. I started serving Hennessy mules at my Christmas parties (I heard Oprah does this, so I did it too, lol), preparing summer sweet teas with Uncle Nearest or Maker's Mark, and topping my homemade southern pecan pie with Grand Marnier-infused whipped cream every Thanksgiving, which has become a dessert that my entire family loves.
When the news of Beyoncé releasing a whisky was announced, I thought, 'Finally, something for the girls who love brown liquor.' Naturally, we know that she loves her D'usse, but whisky was a surprise to me. It felt like a homecoming for the Texas native. Cowboy Carter's release, while meant with much criticism to me, gave Black women permission to own every part of their background, the roots, and upbringing that make them who they are.
So a whisky named in honor of her great-grandfather felt like a reaching forward to a new avenue of entrepreneurship, while further firmly planting herself into her consistent branding of family values, lineage, and purposeful partnerships.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
Before We Sip: Let's Talk The Sir Davis Breakdown What Is SirDavis?
SirDavis is an Award-winning American whisky founded by Beyoncé Knowles-Carter and crafted in partnership with Moët Hennessy and five-time International Whisky Competition Master Distiller of the Year, Dr. Bill Lumsden, who holds a PhD in biochemistry and has been in the whisky industry for almost 40 years. This tells me the Texas native did her homework and called in the experts to curate something special.
SirDavis also gave me the confidence not to shy away from being a woman who appreciates the rich, complex flavors of brown liquor and leans into my pride in my grandfather's family and his older brothers who sold moonshine in The Carolinas.
Curating My Own SirDavis Tasting
As a meticulous Aries, I pride myself on my attention to detail. Upon conducting thorough research (aka scrolling via TikTok and Twitter), I uncovered that during a private SirDavis tasting, the ambiance exuded a mysterious allure, with an abundance of SirDavis flowing, accompanied by a fact sheet, thoughtfully crafted cocktails, honeycomb, and southern food pairings (My kind of party Bey, where was my invite?!)
In this same vein, with Cowboy Carter in the background, I invited my godsister over, and we savored SirDavis in three distinct manners: warm, over ice, and artfully incorporated into two of their ten suggested cocktails.
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My Honest Review of SirDavis American Whisky
When I enjoyed SirDavis warm, it was like a smooth, sexy dance on my palate. It felt like something you should sip with your man in the evening after a long day or solo like Bey. I recently purchased a vinyl player, and I could see myself grabbing one of my records, a glass, and sipping slowly, snapping my fingers to the beat, swaying my hips, and letting the evening take me where it needed to.
If I were playing Beyoncé, I’d put on "Be With You," "Superpower," or "Gift From Virgo." That said, for me, enjoying the whisky warm would only be during a sexy night, lol; on a regular night, I'm not at a slowly sipping whisky stage just yet.
Once I added ice, I had another sip and was ready for Davis Old Fashioned, which I tried next. It's a mixture of the desire to sip slowly and needing a bit more sweetness. It was my favorite drink, and I'll add that to the rotation. I didn't always enjoy the drink, I thought I was a little too young for it to be honest.
But a few months ago, I had an Old Fashioned with black lemon bitters, toasted black sesame Averna, kikoi rice whiskey, and bourbon, and I was hooked. The Davis Old Fashioned took me back to that same feeling.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
Davis Old Fashioned
2 oz SirDavis American Whisky
.25 oz Honey Syrup
2 dashes Angostura Bitters
Next, I tried The Honey Bee cocktail. I enjoyed it, but as a fan of the French 75, I would prefer to add some prosecco or champagne to it. My sister really liked the drink, but I wanted a bit of fizz as soon as I tasted the lemon juice. This would be a girls' night cocktail that I’d offer if friends came over, and definitely a bottle I’d request someone bring me as a hostess gift.
The Honey Bee
2 oz SirDavis American Whisky
.75 oz Lemon Juice
.50 oz Honey Syrup
My Honest Takeaway
I'll absolutely keep SirDavis in the rotation. The whisky has an exquisite, refined taste that demands you to savor and appreciate every flavor and aroma, from cloves and tangy Seville oranges to raisins, cinnamon, ginger, demerara sugar, and toffee. It's a drink for those who confidently enjoy dark liquor and for a new generation of ladies. And who knows, maybe I'll even get my mom to try some with me.
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