I’ve Got 7 'Sex Mantras' That Will Seriously Improve Your Sex Life
Sometimes, when I’ve got a client (or a couple) who mentions to me that their sex life is a bit on the mediocre side or they’re going through a season with their partner where it feels like there is some sort of disconnect, I will recommend that they put a mission statement for their sex life in their bedroom (no joke) and/or that they come up with some sex-themed mantras.
It might sound like a strange approach on the surface, yet hear me out. There is plenty of science out here to support the fact that using mantras as a meditative practice can be beneficial on more than a few levels. Repeating a particular word or phrase while in a relaxed state can not only help reduce stress and get you to be more “present” (bookmark that), but mantras are also awesome when it comes to helping you to “reprogram” your mind so that you can feel more confident and less defensive.
This, in turn, can get your mind, body, and spirit to work in harmony with your partner — all of which are needed if you want to have a truly satisfying and fulfilling sex life.
If applying sex mantras to your world is something you’re willing to give a shot yet you have no clue of what to say, here are seven mantras that can inspire you to improve your boudoir action as well as come up with a few sex-themed ones of your own.
1. “My sensuality is incomparable.”
GiphyThe interesting thing about the word “sensual” (at least, to me) is a lot of people think that it automatically means “sexy” when that isn’t exactly the case. While sexiness is all about being sexually interesting or exciting, sensuality is more about gratifying one’s senses or appetite (which is why some people define food as being a “sensual experience”) — and yes, in several ways, those two things are quite different.
The reason why I say that is someone can look sexy all day long and still not be able to truly connect with their partner because they aren’t tapped into theirsexual love languages, theirerogenous zones, or what their partner may be sexually craving at the moment. Oh, but a sensual individual? They will be able to do all of this and so much more.
That’s actually one of the main reasons why I like the word “sensual” so much. You don’t have to look a certain way to be sensual. You don’t have to wear a specific thing to be sensual. You simply have to be observant, unselfish, and fully present — and yes, a person who is that way in the bedroom, they are both incomparable and unforgettable.
Just ask someone who has been with a sensual individual before. Watch how their eyes damn near glaze over as they reflect on the experiences. I’m not kidding.
So yeah, creating a mantra that encourages you to focus on your sensuality, even over being sexy, that is a great way to become a more sexually confident type of person — and where confidence resides, great results transpire. In and out of the bedroom alike.
2. “I am fully present.”
GiphyA few years ago, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?” A big part of it consisted of learning how to be mindful, which at the end of the day, is about being present. And just what does that mean? Personally, I like howone article that I read on the topic defined it: “being (intentionally) more aware and awake to each moment and being fully engaged in what is happening in one’s surroundings – with acceptance and without judgment”.
Just a few days ago, a friend of mine and I were talking about what our favorite Luther Vandross songs were. Being the B-side woman that I am, I mentioned his joint, “For You to Love” (side note: peep YouTube comments on songs sometimes. I was moved to see a woman say that this was the last song she and her hubby danced to before he passed away 10 years ago and that they would’ve been together 54 years now if he was still alive).
Aside from the vocals and the bass player absolutely killin’ it, I just like the phrasing of sex in the song — nothing graphic, no unrealistic expectations (more on that in a bit); Luther said that he took a train in the pouring rain just for his partner to love him. Nothing more, nothing less.
And yes, taking on that kind of mindset sets the foundation for some pretty amazing sex because all you want to do is take in each moment, be fully engaged with your bae, and accept them (as they do the same thing for you) with no judgment. It’s not about what happened last time; it’s about simply enjoying this time. What happens happens, and what comes (or cums) comes. You’re here for all of it, and that’s what matters most. When it comes to sex, this is a lot of what being present is all about.
3. “If I didn’t want to please you, I wouldn’t be here.”
GiphySelfish people will never experience all that comes withmind-blowing sex (check out “Got A Selfish Lover? This Is What You Should Do About It.”). Why? Because all that they really care about is what they can get out of the exchange. That’s why, it has always been my belief that, if you want some of the best sex of your life,you need to be a pleaser, and your partner needs to be that way too. I am a huge fan of this because if you both get off on getting each other off…how can sex not be a wonderful experience?
On the other hand, if you’re with someone who doesn’t feel or think this way…essentially, you are totally wasting your time because if all they care about is themselves, I mean…masturbation is right there. Right?
I mean, I don’t know about y’all, but whenmy past sex partners were on some, “I just want to make you feel good, everything else is a bonus,” already I was on the verge of damn near climaxing because if that is your top agenda, I already know that I’m about to be in for a really good time!
So yeah, if earth-shattering sex is your goal, always go into the experience with the mentality of, “My time is precious, and so, if I wasn’t trying to please you, I wouldn’t be here” while expecting no less from “him.” Because, it’s true — if you both didn’t want to make sure that each of you will be able to get the absolute most out of what is about to go down, why are you trying to have sex in the first place? I mean…really.
4. “Having me is an honor.”
GiphyYou can think it’s an old-fashioned, dated, or antiquated thing to say, yet I do really find it to be pretty sad, just how casual so many people are about sex — seemingly now more than ever. I say that becausebeing casual is (literally) about being things like apathetic, nonchalant, and purposeless — and no, I don’t think that copulation should have that kind of energy attached to it.
When you decide to share your body with another individual, and especially when we as women decide to allow someone to literally enter inside of us, that should be treated as both an honor and a privilege.
I’m not being grandiose; I used the word “honor” by design because it means that you should be highly respected, esteemed, and even praised — that there is something so distinctive (which is a synonym of honor) about you that no one should approach you with a “ho-hum” attitude. Sir, what you are about to partake in is something that is truly magnificent. Please take special note.
And here’s the thing, sis: when you believe this about yourself, it will definitely make your sexual experience a better one because when you see yourself as something that is worthy of praise, you tend to want to create encounters that will amplify that.” And no, I don’t care how many times someone has already “had the pleasure” with you. Yesterday is a thing of the past. If he’s able to be with you, right here and right now, it is still an honor. Yet again. Lucky him.
5. “The expectations here are connection and pleasure.”
GiphyThe Greek philosopher Heraclitus once said, “If you do not expect the unexpected, you will not recognize it when it arrives,” author Tom Bodett once said, “Disappointment resides in the gap between expectations and reality,” and some wise person out in the world once said, “Anger is just proof of how unrealistic your expectations were.”
When it comes to sex —even really good sex — I believe that all of these quotes should be tucked away somewhere in your mind because, as I also once read, oftentimes, we find ourselves frustrated in our relationships because we tie the word “always” to it. In other words, we don’t allow a lot of room for change, surprises, or simply something different, and the bedroom is not exempt from this.
Keeping all of this in mind, just imagine what it would be like if, each and every time we decided to have an intimate moment with our partner, we only had two expectations: to connect with them on a special level and to make sure that pleasure is mutually experienced. Not that sex is like it was the last time. Not thatmultiple orgasms must be had. Not that minds must be blown.
Imagine if the goal was simply to connect in a pleasurable way. Taking the pressure off to perform — or outperform — reduces stress, which opens the door up to all types of possibilities because you aren’t looking for anything other than to enjoy your partner…however that chooses to manifest itself. This time.
6. “Our desire is significant.”
GiphyI like the word “desire,” especially when it comes to sex. Desire means to make a request. Desire means to have a craving. Desire means to be sexually attracted. Desire means to see something (or one) asa source of satisfaction and enjoyment. Desire is about being highly passionate. Desire is about being eager to please. Desire is about having a voracious appetite. Desire is about having a clear motive. And, in this instance,desire is about lust — and love.
Taking all of this in, imagine what sex between you and your partner would be like if, all throughout the day, in preparation of what was to come, you both simply said to yourselves (and perhaps to each other on a call or via text) something along the lines of, “Our desire for each other is significant.” Yeah, I like the word “significant” too because it means that something or someone is special, important, and deserving of one’s attention. That said, GOODNESS — just imagine how you would feel if your partner shot you a text that said something like, “I crave you, and my intention is to please you on every level; that is how much I want you, so I request your presence at this hotel room tonight. It’s important.” WHEEEEEW.
Yeah, imagine if, every time you and your partner had sex, you went into seeing it — valuing it — as an important opportunity where you can have your appetite quenched. If that mindset doesn’t improve your sex life, honey…I don’t know what to tell you.
7. “I deserve this.”
GiphyLast year, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means?” Yep, I’m big on speaking out about what deserve means because far too many people out here come with an entitled — if not flat-out delusional — attitude about it. Why do I say that? Because, again, by definition of the word, in order to deserve something (or someone), you need to be qualified.
For instance, why should someone think that they deservea six-figure earner when they barely make $30,000, they have nothing in their savings account, and their credit is in shambles? Not only that, but they have a pattern of misspending and no plans to improve their financial issues. I’m telling you, once you get into your mind that you need to strive to “be what you think that you deserve,” not only does it humble you, it helps you to be more realistic in your approach to…a lot of things.
And as I bring this to a close, what does this have to do with sex? Well, when you choose a partner to share your body and energy with, whether you realize it, you are qualifying them to be with you. You are essentially saying that they have the “proper or necessary skills, knowledge, credentials, etc.” to experience intimacy with you on that level. And when they choose you, they are essentially saying the same thing (which is why people need to be more selective about who they choose to copulate with, chile).
And so, since both of you are qualified, there is no reason to be self-conscious, to worry about if you are “skilled enough” or to overthink everything. By you and your partner deciding to experience each other in this way and on this level, sis, you automatically deserve it — you deserve to have a memorable exchange that will bring you joy and fulfillment. Go into it with that mindset and watch how satisfied you will feel.
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That’s the thing about a mantra. While, on the surface, it seems like a simple phrase, if you unpack the meaning behind it, you’ll be amazed by what type of transformative vibes you can bring into your life — including your sex life.
Try it. You just might like it. A LOT.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next October (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This Black Woman-Owned Creative Agency Shows Us The Art Of Rebranding
Rebranding is an intricate process and very important to the success of businesses that want to change. However, before a business owner makes this decision, they should determine whether it's a rebrand or an evolution.
That's where people like Lola Adewuya come in. Lola is the founder and CEO of The Brand Doula, a brand development studio with a multidisciplinary approach to branding, social media, marketing, and design.
While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
Feature image courtesy
The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Halle Berry On Aging Like Fine Wine: 'I've Always Known That I've Been More Than This Face'
If "aging like a fine wine" was a person, it'd be Halle Berry.
The 58-year-old Never Let Go star recently donned the cover of Marie Claire magazine and she let it be known that though people have highly regarded her beauty and her body throughout much of her career, she is happy to be at an age now where "people will focus on the other aspects of me that I think are way more interesting."
"I’ve always known that I’ve been more than this face and more than this body," she shares with Marie Claire.
The actress and wellness founder has never felt as defined by her looks as she does by the aspects of herself and her nature that she has carefully cultivated through lived experience, knowledge and wisdom gained, her craft and accolades, her motherhood-- she insists that those are the things about herself that move her the most. "I do take ownership over those things that I’ve worked really hard at, and if somebody finds value in those things that lights me up," she tells them.
With physically demanding roles like her directorial turn in Bruised (where she also played double duty as the film's star) and John Wick 3: Parabellum and the recently-released The Union, it's clear Halle isn't letting age slow her career down or stop her from taking on the types of roles that excite her inner child. She told Marie Claire age ain't nothin but a number:
"Age is just a number that they stick on us at birth. As women, we get defined by it way more than men do and sometimes it can debilitate us. It can trick us into thinking what we’re supposed to do. We have to kick that in the face and say, 'No, I’m going to do what I can do as long as I feel good doing it!' And that will be whatever I want it to be. I get to define that."
For Halle, doing what she can do looks like prioritizing her health which was never for aesthetic reasons as it was for longevity reasons. The actress received a diabetes diagnosis in her 20s and has managed to stay off insulin by staying away from sugar. She tells Marie Claire, "Sugar is the enemy. You couldn’t put anything sweet in front of me right now and pay me to eat it. I’m just not interested."
Halle attributes being at what she calls "the pinnacle" of her life and "feeling better and stronger than I did when I was in my 20s" to a regimen that centers on her health and wellness. This includes non-negotiables like daily workouts, red light therapy, progesterone, and hot and cold therapy, to name a few.
Read more of her Marie Claire cover story here.
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