A couple of weeks ago, as I attempted to listen to the radio (throwback music fans can read between the lines there; some of this music these days is violating as hell), it was like the universe was begging me to pen this article. First, it was Lilo Thomas’s “Wanna Make Love (All Night Long).” Then it was Boyz II Men’s “I’ll Make Love to You” (question: why I gotta throw my clothes on the floor when he’s gonna gently take his off?). Then it was (and this is my jam — but still) Lorenzo’s “Make Love to Me” (yes, I finally went to a throwback station to get all of this). And while one part of me had my head and neck swaying from left to right, another part of me was low-key irritated…like I almost always am…whenever I hear the phrase “make love.”
Sex. As making love. What in the world? I mean, if only married (or folks in long-term committed relationships…and I do mean more than just three months) were saying it, I could kind of get it. Okay, but you’ve been seeing someone, and after a few days, y’all have sex, and you say that he made love to you? How is that even possible? In the immortal words of NeNe Leakes, I feel like when love is tossed around so casually like that, it’s somewhere asking, “Now, why am I in it?”
Yeah…we’re gonna go there today. And while I totally get that this is my opinion, not everyone will agree, and there will be some pushback, please just entertain why, when it comes to describing a sexual experience, “make love,” more times than not (at least these days), is not the responsible depiction of what’s actually going on.
Where Did the Phrase “Make Love” Even Come From?
GiphyOkay, so before we get into why I feel so strongly about “make love” as I do, let’s look into its origin story because I promise you that I have wondered, for years now, who even came up with the concept. I did some digging, and the closest thing that I could find is an English writer by the name of John Lyly, who once penned a piece calledHow To Make Love to the Moon: Intimacy and Erotic Distance, seemingly around 1590 — and he wasn’t talking about sex at all. He was actually referencing romance and courtship. Oh, but by the 20th century, it was used a bit more broadly, and then by the 1940s, it had become the slang term that it is now.
So, let’s start there, shall we? Initially, "make (produce) love (deep affection)" had nothing to do with the bedroom at all. It was about doing things to bring two people closer together on a mental and emotional level. Sex was so not the agenda.
Now bookmark that, please, as we move right along.
Why 'Make Love' Is One of the Most Irresponsible Phrases Around
GiphyI already know. Some of y’all are gonna say, “So, are you saying that sex doesn’t produce deep affection?” It can. It most certainly can. My pushback would be that casual sex doesn’t do that, though. I mean, the mere definition of casual includes things like “without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing” — so if no one is seriously intending for anything more than getting off to happen, if they are actually making moves that by, direct definition, are careless (listen, I’m just breaking the words down) — how could any real affection come from that? Because, for the record, affection means “fond attachment, devotion, or love.”
How can someone be casually devoted or casually love you? THEY CAN’T — and yes, I am yelling it. Devotion and love are very intentional. Extremely so.
And for the people in the back who still are rolling their eyes at your monitor or cell phone screen because you’re like, “There have been times when I have felt extremely attached or devoted to someone who I had a casual experience with. Hell, sometimes I even felt like I loved them” — well, I really wish that one day all of us will take oxytocin highs literally and seriously. Yes, there is a hormone in your body that is designed to bond you to the people you sleep with; however, that speaks to a physical response far more than an emotional dynamic…and that’s just what trips a lot of people up: they don’t know the difference between the two.
Okay, but what if you are in something that isn’t casual? What then? I’ll say this: I once penned a piece for the site entitled, “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good.” The thing that you have to be careful of is using sex as a deflection from real issues that need to be addressed and then calling it “making love” to make you feel better about doing it. Because think about it — if you keep telling yourself that whatever the two of you are going through “isn’t so bad” because you just made love last night…do you get how deceptive that can (potentially) be?
Case in point. I know someone who is going through a divorce who said that because the sex with their spouse was so good, they would confuse great sex with a healthy relationship…yes, even in marriage. And because of that, they never really got to the root of their issues…which only made the problems and challenges worse. The worse they felt, the more sex they would have and the more they would justify staying…due to the sex.
Listen, no one said that sex isn’t mighty powerful. In fact, I’m the one who will stand on the highest hilltop and yell that it is with the biggest bullhorn. That’s why it needs to be approached from a responsible space and mindset — which is why, when it comes to the act, I have my own motto, one that puts “make love” into, what I believe is its proper place.
Sex Does Not "Make" Love; Sex CELEBRATES Love
GiphyI’m aging myself. Plus, as pro-Black as I am and as triggered as I would sometimes get by just how WHITE the original Beverly Hills, 90210 was, I was still a fan. Hell, in college, my late fiancé and I would even sometimes watch it together. And a classic episode was when Brandon Walsh’s girlfriend, Emily Valentine, slipped him euphoria; he got mad, and she told him that if they made love, he wouldn’t be mad anymore. What he said in response was a checkmate for the ages: “In order to make love, I have to be in love.”
Yeah, Brandon was preachin’ right there. I mean, how many times have you watched a movie or TV show where two people have been having consistent sex and then, when one of them says, “I love you,” the other one will be semi-freaking out, talking about “It’s too soon to say that.” So…it’s too soon for someone to declare their love to you even though they are out here making love to you? Make it make sense, y’all. If love is what sex is making, shouldn’t love be produced after a couple of times?
Are y’all starting to see more of my point?
It is my personal belief that a lot of people feel uneasy about “love” being used too soon because, deep down, they know that making love isn’t what they are doing. Getting to know someone better. Enjoying their time. Sharing orgasms with someone who can get them there. Sure. LOVING THEM? Sex producing love? Nah. And that’s why I firmly believe that sex doesn’t make love; sex CELEBRATES love. Because if you don’t love someone outside of the bedroom, sex isn’t gonna make that happen…, and if you do, sex is simply a physical manifestation of a deep and profound feeling and decision (with actions in place that totally back it up) that already exists.
Just ask some long-term committed couples that you know if sex is what “makes them” love their partner vs. sex being something that they used to celebrate — proclaim, rejoice in, honor, praise, revere, revel in, bless — that has already been established. And gee, when you look at all of the definitions (and synonyms) of celebrate, doesn’t it make sense that sex should be seen through the lens of celebrating love rather than making it?
Because if you truly value love, if you esteem it as special and sacred, sex would be honoring, revering, and blessing the bond between two people who care about each other, far beyond the surface level — two people who are committed, who have been through some things, we have made some compromises and sacrifices…two people who love each other in the purest and most accurate kind of way.
This brings me to my next point.
Please Don’t Expect Sex to Do Love’s Job
GiphyAbout a year ago, someone asked me what I thought was the biggest mistake that women can make when it comes to sex with a new partner. There are several, yet the one that immediately came to mind was, “Please don’t ask a guy if he loves you during the act. What guy would say ‘no’?”
This isn’t rocket science, and a lot of women know it. So, why do they do it? Honestly, it’s a form of manipulation, whether they realize it or not, because they are using a very vulnerable moment, where folks are usually not thinking very clearly, to have a serious conversation. Then, if a man says “yes,” they hold them to it as if it’s the gospel. Out here, expecting sex to do love’s job is reckless and emotionally dangerous.
And that’s the reason one billion why “make love” irks me so. I’ll explain deeper. Because I am both a marriage life coach and a doula, sometimes “the lanes” cross. When a couple is in trouble, sometimes they will tell me that they think having a baby will make things better. A child is not meant to be anyone’s savior. And you know what? Neither is the act that gets them here (funny how that plays out) — sex.
Sex is not supposed to be expected to do love’s job because love is a HUGE responsibility. Being patient with someone? Constantly encouraging and supporting someone? Being steadfast in trying times? Honoring your word? Allowing reason to override emotion, so that you can make responsible and accountable decisions for the sake of your relationship? You expect love to make all of that happen for you? In what universe?
I promise you, the more that I have spent time pondering all of this, the more “make love” is something that I almost wish would go away. For those of you who actually love each other (mutually so), CELEBRATE LOVE all you want. Sex producing love? It’s just never gonna sit well with me. Love is too awesome, and "producing it" is not sex’s responsibility.
This brings me to my final point.
If Love Is Cake, Sex Is Icing (and Kinda-Sorta Barely That)
GiphyAn ex of mine from back in the day, used to say all the time that if you need condiments to make your food taste right, it wasn’t prepared well in the first place. Now, if you paid attention to the title of this last section, I’m pretty sure that you can see where I am going with this.
My favorite cake is very specific: It’s Red Lobster’s chocolate cake (sidebar: did you know that the founder of Red Lobster stood up to Jim Crow laws back in the day?). Hell, I don’t even eat shellfish yet I’ll get some cake from that spot. Anyway, the icing is cool, but if one day I went there and the cake didn’t have any icing on it, I’d still eat it — that’s just how good the cake is. Oh, but on the other hand, if all they had was icing, I would take a hard pass. Too much icing can be overkill. Too much icing, without cake, can make you sick.
See what I’m saying? When it comes to cake and icing, I see love as “cake” and sex as “icing.” Icing can make the cake so much sweeter and enjoyable, yet if there was no cake…what’s icing’s freakin’ point at all? Icing is literally designed to accentuate/amplify something that already exists. It needs the cake far more than the cake needs it.
And for those who got through all of this and are still wanting to “But what if…” what I’m saying — listen, I write about sex too damn much on this platform for y’all to think that I don’t know that sex has layers to it. All that I’m addressing today is why I wholeheartedly believe that “make love” really needs to be used less. Honestly, I wouldn’t lose a bit of sleep if it got retired altogether. If you’re not in love, or in a mutually loving situation (because the two are not exactly the same), why not say what you’re actually doing: you’re having sex? It’s a way to keep you from programming your mind to make the reality of what is happening more than it is.
And if you are in love (or mutually love), give yourself more credit: sex is not producing love…sex is BLESSING the love that you and your partner have worked so hard to establish.
_____
Aight. I don’t know how to drive this point home more than I just have. I think now I will listen to a true classic R&B song that totally cosigns on my point — what y’all know about Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack’s “Tonight, I CELEBRATE My Love for You”?
Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. Good, real stuff right there.
Celebrating what’s ALREADY BEEN made. Excellent.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy
RELATED
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
Article continues after the video.
*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
Giphy“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
Giphy“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
Giphy“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
Giphy“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
Giphy“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
Giphy“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
Giphy“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
Giphy“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
____
As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by madopile/Getty Images