September is all about getting organized, working together with others, having patience, and believing in your dreams. There are real possibilities and opportunities for growth this month, but it’s all about perspective and where you choose to focus your vision. With Virgo Season in full swing, there is more to get done and do than at any other time of the year, as Virgo is all about accomplishing the mission. However, rushing your intentions or the work you are doing can lead you to places that don’t serve, and having patience with yourself and others while handling business this month is key. Use your intuition wisely, trust your instincts, and get creative.
On September 5, Venus moves into Virgo and is ready to clean house. Anything or anyone that isn’t healthy or beneficial to your heart is not sustainable in this energy, and Venus in Virgo expects the best of the best. This month is about recognizing the power you hold in life, and knowing you deserve everything you truly want in love. A few days later, Mercury goes retrograde for the third time this year. Mercury will begin its retrograde transit in Libra from September 9 to September 23 and will finish its retrograde transit in Virgo from September 23 to October 2.
With both of these signs being very logical signs, it’s all about the mind and communication right now. This time is about paying attention to the signs, not getting too ahead of yourself, and of taking things one day at a time. Know that the messages will come, but it’s also equally important to tap into and understand your own personal truths as well so that you can communicate that clearly.
The Full Moon occurring mid-month on September 10 is happening in Pisces, and it is the Harvest Full Moon of the year. This Full Moon is all about dreams coming true and manifestations appearing. A Full Moon in Pisces gets emotional, and overall this is a time of deep growth happening within and without. On September 22, Libra Season begins, and the energy moves from detail-oriented, goddess energy Virgo, into relationship-oriented, love-focused Libra. With Libra Season moving through, new relationship developments will be taking place at the end of the month and September is a time of working together with others instead of alone.
The New Moon in Libra on September 25 before the month ends is bringing this love energy front and center, and by the end of the month, you should be setting your intentions for love, connection, and balance. September is overall about giving yourself and others grace and believing in the beauty and magic of what is becoming for you. Here's what else the month has in store for your zodiac sign.
Aries Horoscope for September 2022
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleSeptember is a month of paving new paths for yourself and seeing new doors open for you in life, Aries. The focus is on the work you are doing right now, and the return you are seeing. It’s all about finding the balance between your work priorities and what your body and your health need from you as well. With the Sun moving through your 6th house of daily routines for most of the month, this is the time to get organized, make space, and focus on what is best for you overall.
Mercury goes retrograde this month and will be moving retrograde in your 7th house of love and relationships from September 9 to September 23. With a New Moon also in this area of your chart on September 25, the message is clear right now, and that is that sometimes it’s better to come together with others and work as a team, rather than trying to have the upper hand. Seek the peace within your relationships, and take note of what abundant circumstances are appearing for you.
Taurus Horoscope for September 2022
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is all about emotional freedom, joy, and connection, Taurus. There are a lot of positive experiences for you to enjoy in September, and you are feeling like you have your people around you, supporting you every step of the way. This is the month to share the love and allow yourself to receive it as well. When you can live in your authentic truths, you inspire others to as well and people are meeting you where you are.
The Sun and Venus are moving through your 5th house of romance for most of the month, and love is truly on your side right now. The intentions you have been setting when it comes to your love life and your close relationships are seeing fruition, and it feels good to know where you stand with others and vice versa. The Full Moon on September 10 is a time of revelation when it comes to your friendship and community, and you are gaining clarity on who has been there for you through it all this month.
Gemini Horoscope for September 2022
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleSeptember is all about having patience, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going into retrograde this month, there is a need to take things slower, water your seeds, and give yourself grace through what is becoming for you right now. The more you can live day by day trusting yourself, your value, and your gift of manifestation, the more you can allow the universe to meet you halfway. Lists of gratitude serve your soul well this month, and it’s all about perspective.
Mercury will be in retrograde in your 5th house of romance for a few weeks, then it will move into the area of your birth chart having to do with the home and your foundations in life. Overall this month is about finding the balance between having fun and protecting your energy, and sometimes you need time to figure out which is which. The New Moon in fellow air sign Libra happening at the end of the month on September 25 will be an awakening experience for you and will allow you to reconnect with your hope and inspiration.
Cancer Horoscope for September 2022
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is a groundbreaking month for you, Cancer. Things are changing for you this month but they are overall changes that have needed to be made and are setting you up on the path toward success. September is all about flowing through change and finding your ground no matter what is happening around you. Remember that the Universe has your back, and go from there. You are stronger than you know.
There is a Full Moon happening on September 10 in fellow water sign Pisces, and this Full Moon will be giving you all the insight and clarity on where expanding your horizons is necessary, and on seeing the bigger picture. With Mercury moving retrograde in your 4th house of home, family, foundations, and your inner world for most of the month, foundations are shaking and you are getting the opportunity to rebuild for yourself in a way that makes more sense for you. Remember that what leaves your life is not sustainable for you to continue and that the detours you are experiencing this month are blessings.
Leo Horoscope for September 2022
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleNow that Leo Season has passed, you are getting the opportunity to regroup, reflect, and get some much-needed rest, Leo. There is an energy of a lot happening in your life this past month and for September, and allowing yourself and your mind time to process means everything right now. Don’t overthink things or sell yourself short, and trust that giving yourself time and grace to work through what is appearing for you now will be better for everyone in the long run.
With the Sun and Venus moving through your 2nd house of income, value systems, assets, and self-confidence in life for most of the month, you are gaining clarity on what you are putting out, what you are receiving, and if this is where you want to be in life. You deserve to live abundantly and find stability in this success, and September is the month of recognizing what you need and if you are truly getting that in life. Don’t be afraid to flip the script this month, switch things up, and ask for what you want.
Virgo Horoscope for September 2022
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVirgo Season is underway, and the spotlight is on you right now, Virgo! September is your month of stepping up, leading the pack, and showing up for yourself and your life. You are feeling powerful every step of the way this month and are not only proving to others what you are capable of, but most importantly proving it to yourself as well. Remember that who you are is beautiful and enough, and allow your authenticity to shine in all its glory this month.
Your ruling planet Mercury will be going retrograde on September 9 and will begin its transit in Libra and your 2nd house of income, before moving into Virgo and your 1st house of self from September 23 to October 2nd. Overall, this is a time of going over your finances, replanning, and valuing yourself more than anything. With Venus in Virgo from September 5 to September 29, the confidence will be with you to move through anything, and there will be love showering on you in magical ways. You can get through anything, Virgo, and you are doing so with a smile on your face this month.
Libra Horoscope for September 2022
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleSeptember is a month of balance and synergy for you, Libra. This is the month where you are experiencing a coming together in your life, and love and magic are unfolding for you right now. With a lot of energy in Libra this month, things are moving fast for you, but you’re dancing with life as if it is nothing to you but another day. The cycles of life are moving, and you are finding a lot of gratitude for the way things have panned out for you.
With Mercury going retrograde in your sign from September 9 to September 23, Libra Season beginning on September 22, a New Moon in Libra on September 25, and Venus entering Libra on September 29, the message is clear right now; and that is to spend more time on yourself and for yourself. Don’t be afraid to be a little more selfish this month, as this is the time for you to recognize the gifts you hold, the beauty within you, and the power you have in life. Repeat, “I love who I am, and I love who I am becoming” throughout the month.
Scorpio Horoscope for September 2022
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSeptember is all about clarity and recognition for you, Scorpio. Truths are coming to the surface this month that cannot be denied, and the answers are right in front of you. This is the month to listen to your heart, open your mind, and prepare for a new day. Remember that you are beautiful and capable no matter who else can see that, and the more you believe in yourself and all that is possible for you in life, the more blessings that can show up for you this month.
The Sun and Venus will be moving through your 11th house of friendship for most of September, and this is a good month to expand your horizons, network, and meet new people. Focus on your intentions right now and know that the key to manifesting is to believe it is already so, rather than getting stuck in the vision of worry or of what you don’t want. The New Moon at the end of the month is closing some chapters in your life, and you are ready for this release.
Sagittarius Horoscope for September 2022
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSeptember is an inspiring month for you, Sagittarius. This is the month to move forward with your passions and tap into your inner courage and creativity. Remember that you are protected and supported every step of the way on your journey in life and that your wise soul is needed in this world. It’s all about your aspirations and expressing yourself and your gifts in September. It’s time to shine, Sag!
The energy is in your 10th house of career and reputation this month, and this is a good time for following through on your goals and knocking off your to-do list. Personal achievements are being made in September, and the light is shining on you right now. With Mercury moving retrograde in your house of intentions, hopes, and dreams for most of the month, your goals may be looking different right now than they did before, and that’s okay. Instead of doing things how you always have, look for new ways to express yourself and be open to new possibilities right now.
Capricorn Horoscope for September 2022
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleLove is flowing through your world this month, Capricorn. Soulmate connections are in your life, and there is so much love around you in September. This is the month to come together with others and allow your heart to experience all the beauty and joy that this life has to offer you. Opposites attract, and that is the energy you are feeling this month. You are seeing that previous conflicts or disagreements don’t have a space in your heart today, and you are tapping into the forgiveness, grace, and commitment that is in your life right now.
With the Sun and Venus in fellow earth sign Virgo for most of the month and moving through your house of adventure and travel, this is a good month to go on an adventure. Take that trip that you’ve been putting off, read that book that’s collecting dust on your shelf, and expand your horizons. The Full Moon in Pisces mid-month is also coming through with all the intuitive guidance you are looking for. This is a month of enlightenment, communicating from the heart, and following your intuition.
Aquarius Horoscope for September 2022
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSeptember is a month of new beginnings for you emotionally, Aquarius. Your heart is opening up to something new, and you are walking through new doors this month. September is your time to be free, live free, and allow yourself to rewrite your story. Remember that this life is yours to live and that you don’t need approval from anyone else to be happy. You deserve this fresh start that this month is bringing into your life.
With Mercury moving retrograde in a spiritual, adventurous, and inspiring area of your chart this month, the clarity may be a little more difficult to attain for the time being. Work with what is presenting itself to you, and know that everything you need to know will be shown to you at the right time. Be patient when it comes to plans and detours, and trust that when you follow your intuition, you will be on the right path. The New Moon happening before the month ends is bringing things full circle in your life and clearing any obstacles that presented themselves to you in September.
Pisces Horoscope for September 2022
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecoleImportant achievements are being made this month, and you are getting the positive recognition you deserve, Pisces. September is a month of victory for you, and a month to move through confidently. Be your biggest cheerleader this month and allow others to show you their support as well, trusting that it’s coming from a genuine place and that you are deserving of the success that is unfolding for you now. You are moving mountains in September and claiming your blessings.
With a New Moon in your sign mid-month on September 10, you are seeing your intentions manifest into your reality. This New Moon is all about positive recognition, and seeing yourself in the beautiful way you wish others to. Self-love rituals are key this month, and you deserve to be adorned and treated right. With the Sun and Venus also moving through your 7th house of love for most of September, there is a lot of harmony, grace, and love showering down upon you this month, soak it in.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Kyra Jay/xoNecole
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
____
I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock