Some of y'all may recall that it was right around this time last year that "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go" was published on this platform. A part of what I touched on was a wife-friend of mine sharing the fact that having a man with a big penis isn't always, automatically or necessarily all that it's cracked up to be because 1) if he doesn't know how to use it and/or 2) he is a selfish lover, what's the point in having one around? I mean, really.
It's the second point that I'm going to tackle today because the reality is, a lot of people don't struggle with having a fulfilling sex life due to lack of attraction, chemistry or even technique. It's actually because their partner is sexually selfish as all get out and they're not quite sure what to do about it. While I certainly don't have all of the answers and, honestly, a topic as broad as this could be written as novella, I am hoping that if your man has you at your absolute wit's end, maybe what I'm about to share can at least offer a ray of hope, a bit of clarity and a couple of steps towards a viable solution. Because if there's one thing that sex shouldn't be — both ways, by the way — it's selfish.
First, Let’s Revisit What It Means to Be Selfish, Shall We?
Caring only for oneself. Concerned primarily with one's own interest and welfare. Self-centered. Egocentric. Mercenary. Narrow-minded. Self-seeking. Stingy. Tight. These are just some of the words that are used to define what it means to be selfish. And when it comes to being involved with a selfish individual on a romantic level — people who don't reciprocate are selfish.
People who suck at compromising are selfish. People who are more concerned with what they can get rather than what they can give are selfish. People who think their partner is the only one who has flaws or could stand to improve are selfish. People who want to control everything are selfish. People who always operate from a place of ulterior motives are selfish. People who have a sense of entitlement are selfish.
In a relationship setting, I'll give you a real-time example. I've got a friend whose husband is selfish as hell. He's a nice guy. He's still selfish. Case in point. The monies that they both earn have gone to things like buying his family members expensive gifts yet when my friend wants to do something for her folks, he wants to penny-pinch or extend loans. He claims it's because her people are more self-sufficient than his are. Whatever dude. You are selfish.
Another example. A different friend of mine has a husband who lacks "being present" on basically every level. Even something as simple as her birthday, he constantly gets her what he thinks she should have rather than what she actually wants. Don't get me wrong, the presents are nice; however, if someone tells you what they desire and you go and do your own thing, that is an example of making their wants/needs about yourself and that? That is selfish.
The reason why I thought it was a good idea to provide some examples of what it means to be selfish in a relationship, outside of the bedroom, is because sometimes we can find ourselves on our backs, with some man on top of us, as we look up at the ceiling and wonder how we got to where we are. We got there because we chose to involve ourselves with someone who is pretty selfish overall. So, if you feel like your man is pretty selfish in bed, ask yourself where else this kind of attitude resonates. It could help you to connect a few dots and get to the bottom of a few things.
How Does a Selfish Lover Get Down?
Listen, I've shared before that I once heard (and am a firm believer of it being true) that sex is a good barometer of a relationship. More specifically, good sex is 10 percent of a relationship while bad sex is 90 percent of the relationship because sex lets us know how two people are communicating and connecting overall. As all of this specifically relates to a selfish lover, more times than not, if someone is self-serving in the bedroom, again, it's usually because they are that way in other areas too. And just so we're clear, what are some very telling signs that your man is indeed sexually selfish? For the sake of your time and my space, I'll offer up 10 of 'em.
- He mostly cares about having sex, only when he's in the mood.
- The foreplay either sucks or is non-existent.
- Once he gets his, sex becomes lackluster or is even over.
- You don't truly feel emotionally connected before, after or during the act.
- He's not up to try new things.
- You can't remember the last time romance was involved.
- He's all about receiving fellatio yet sucks at or passes on cunnilingus.
- He has absolutely no idea what afterplay is.
- Orgasms are like sighting Big Foot.
- You can't remember the last time you felt fully satisfied.
Lawd, have mercy. And here's what's interesting about all of these. Oftentimes a man becomes selfish for one of three reasons — laziness, ego or because other partners haven't held him accountable for being lazy or having an ego. And so, even if he cares about you, because he's never really been required to no longer be selfish…he stays that way.
That's the bad news. The good news is there are a few things that you can try that can get your partner to break out of such a ridiculously frustrating (for you) shell. So, just what should you do about a selfish lover?
POINT #1. Tell Him. Non-Selfishly.
Sex is a form of communication, right? However, in a relationship, it's not the only one. The reality is that the best lovers are people who make sure they are mentally and emotionally connected with their partner, even when they are nowhere near their bedroom. The wife who I told you had a husband with a big package? Yep, he's selfish yet she plays a role in him being that way because she's pretty bad at stating what her needs are. Instead, she'll simply deny him sex, hoping that he'll get the hint.
Listen, if y'all don't hear anything else in this article, please hear that one thing that years and years of counseling has revealed to me is men don't do the passive aggressive thing nearly as much as women do. What that means is, if you've got a problem with something, you really need to say it. Say it clearly. Say it concisely. Yet also say it kindly with the intent of making things better not worse. No one wants to be told that they suck in bed. The point here is to alert him to how you're feeling about the intimacy — or lack thereof — between the two of you because you want things to get better. Tell him what you need and want, how not receiving it makes you feel and how resolving the matter will ultimately make sex so much better — for you both.
POINT #2: Meet Him Halfway. For a Season.
It's petty (and to me, being petty is pretty childish) to "punish" your partner for being a selfish lover. Y'all know what punishment looks like — withholding, just lying there, hemming-and-hawing throughout the entire experience, "having a headache" all of the time, hinting at how unhappy you are, even during the act. Besides, taking these kinds of approaches usually does more harm than good because it will eventually make you (more) resentful and cause him to retreat inwardly. Before you know it, now it's a sexless rather than selfish situation.
My recommendation? Meet him where he's at. What I mean by that is, an outstanding lover is going to go above and beyond to make sure their partner is good — and that's great. Problem is, if you've got a lazy person on your hands, they won't seek to do much more because they will think that the little they are doing is enough (because they are getting "rewarded" for it). On the other hand, if you've got an egomaniac in your sheets, they will feel like they deserve all of the time, effort and energy that you are putting in, even if they aren't showing that much reciprocity.
So, scale back a bit. After you've stated your needs, watch and see if he rises to the occasion (no pun intended) by doing more. The only way you'll really be able to notice (at least initially) is if you don't do most of the "work". Let him initiate going down on you. Let him work to make sure you get yours first. Let him reach out to cuddle with you after sex.
Listen, at the end of the day, all of us have some level of selfishness in us. It doesn't make us a bad person altogether. The thing is, if we're striving to improve, once our selfish ways are brought to our attention, slowly yet surely, we'll start to switch up — when people give us the room and space to do so. Otherwise, if they keep doing everything…we may never learn. Or change. Sexual selfishness is not excluded here.
POINT #3: FAKE. NOTHING.
How much do I loathe the entire concept of faking orgasms? So much that I wrote an article about it (check out "Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP"). Fake is so…fake. And when you've got a selfish lover on your hands, it's also counterproductive as all get out because while he's being self-consumed, you're being disingenuous. What about any of that conveys sexual bliss? The reality is, if someone has been sexually selfish for a long period of time, it's going to take them a while to learn how to become more…generous. While they are figuring it out, intimacy between the two of you should still transpire yet there is no need to act like you've "been to the mountaintop" when that isn't the case.
Enjoy being together. Acknowledge steps that are being made. Yet don't fake pure ecstasy unless it has actually happened. Why? Because a selfish lover doesn't need a pretender in their midst. They need someone who is open, honest and patient — the foundational basis of any good sexual experience, wouldn't you say?
Oh, and while we're here, remember how I said that a selfish lover is usually selfish in other areas as well? That said, avoid "faking it" in your relationship, period. Sis, the same points that apply to sex apply overall because intimacy isn't just about sex. Bottom line, if you've got a selfish man who truly loves you, once you follow through with these things, you should notice some shifts (it shouldn't take forever either). If you don't, well, you've got some real pondering to do because if someone is too self-consumed to meet your needs, after you stated them, do they even deserve you? In the bedroom or out? Whew. I'm sayin'.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Create a Budget. Stick to It.
GiphyBudgets, boy. I recently read that one of the reasons why they don’t work for a lot of people is because many folks don’t have a clue about how much money they spend on a monthly basis to begin with. SMDH. That said, at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that a budget is simply setting boundaries/limits on your spending — and being intentional about moving in this fashion is always a wise move; especially when it comes to this time of the year…especially being that it’s typical for half of all Americans to take on some type of holiday season debt with 17 percent needing six (or more) months to pay it off.
Know what can prevent this kind of financial chaos? A SPENDING BUDGET. Tips for how to create one of your own this year can be found here.
2. Never Shop When You’re Stressed or Pressed
GiphyYou know how they say that it’s not a good idea to go grocery shopping when you’re hungry? Although the holiday season can be a stressful time, avoid shopping for gifts (or décor or food for recipes) when you are feeling stressed out or pressed for time. More times than not, that cultivates anxiety which could cause you to either purchase things that you don’t really want or to spend money that you don’t really have (P.S. If you’re relying on credit cards, that qualifies as money that you don’t really have. Just sayin’).
3. Don’t Keep Up with the Joneses
GiphyKnow something else that can stress you out: trying to keep up with the Joneses. And y’all, now that we have social media, the reality is that envy is at an all-time high. That’s because it can be really easy to watch holiday engagements, holiday trips and folks bragging about the things that they’ve received in times past, only for you to find yourself wishing that you were them — or putting pressure on yourself and those in your world to keep up.
Listen, it is King Solomon who once said, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) and “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones” (Proverbs 14:30 — NKJV) and he’s considered to be the wisest man who ever lived (during his time — I Kings 4:30). Yeah, both of these verses are a spiritual reminder that whatever you are planning to do or give, do it out of the goodness of your heart — not so that you can low-key “outdo” the next guy.
4. No Need to “Tit-for-Tat”
GiphyThis one might be a bit controversial yet I’m totally okay with that. I don’t care what the occasion is, no one is OWED a present. A gift is a voluntary token of one’s appreciation or affection. That said, if you decide to give someone a present this year, don’t automatically expect something in return. If you get something, cool. If not, if you were giving for the right reasons, it really shouldn’t matter (RIGHT?). On the flip side, if someone decides to get you something and you don’t have something to offer in return, also cool.
Other than going to someone’s home for a holiday dinner or party, for anyone to feel like they should have something in hand because someone else does…that’s not giving, that’s competing — and that absolutely should not be the spirit that you are in (or around) during this time of year.
Again, a gift is not an obligatory thing. If you’ve always thought otherwise, it’s time to do some serious reprogramming.
5. Avoid the Pressure to Buy for Lots of Adults
GiphyLast month, Newsweek published an article that said it’s wise to not spend a ton of money purchasing gifts for adults. A financial expert in the piece said that it’s best to buy for kids because, more times than not, you’re going to get adults something that they already have a lot of, they don’t really need or they’re not going to use (beyond maybe regifting) anyway.
If you’re not feeling that insight, my take would be to exchange names and set a price cap for the grown folks. I say that because, I don’t think that people ever outgrow wanting something over Christmas. It’s just that the over-the-top energy should be reserved for the kiddies — and even then, the “4-gift rule” (want, need, read, experience) is probably your best bet for them…financially and otherwise.
6. Go for Thoughtful over Expensive
GiphyIt’s kind of wild how much close-to-torture folks send themselves through to purchase gifts that, a good 6-8 months now, most folks aren’t even going to remember. That’s why it’s also a good idea to purpose in your mind to get something thoughtful over expensive.
Honestly, that’s a big part of the reason why Etsy continues to be a go-to for gifts (for every occasion) for me. It’s because you can oftentimes get things customized/personalized which ends up meaning so much more to people than something that you bought at a generic department store that might have a high price tag yet still lacks in sentimentality and deep meaning.
7. Use Coupons and Promo Codes
GiphyCoupons (and promo codes) are a slippery slope in the sense that…they remind me of when I used to go overboard while thrift store shopping. I say that because, just because I might find several bomb dresses for under $20, what am I going to do with 50 of ‘em (over time)? It’s just as much of a waste of money as buying couture if neither option gets much use.
And that’s kind of the thing about coupons and promo codes. Some people end up overspending because they rationalize that so long as there are discounts attached, it’s all good. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that you should forego coupons and promo codes altogether. The key is to put together your shopping list (and budget) and then use discounts specifically for those items. If you do this, you could save well over $1,000 annually (at least, depending on what you decide to buy).
8. Avoid Add-Ons
GiphyYeah. Dodge add-on expenses. Add-ons like what? The first thing that comes to my mind is a warranty. What’s the chance that someone is actually going to need that? Another example is paying for things to be “professionally” gift wrapped. Chile, throw that stuff in a gift bag with some tissue paper and go on about your day. All good.
9. Rethink Gift Cards
GiphyIf there is any time of the year when there is a noticeable hike in gift card purchases, now would be it. And although they are a convenient approach to gift giving, at the same time, many come with hidden fees, the full amount oftentimes goes unused (which ends up being a waste of money) and they do come with expiration dates that are oftentimes forgotten.
So, if you’re someone who likes to wait until the last minute to do your holiday shopping, resist the urge to impulsively pick up a handful of gift cards. Unless it’s to a place that you know someone is going to use within the next few months, they could end up in somebody’s kitchen drawer for the next couple of years. And what a waste that would be.
10. They’ll Get It When They Do. And That’s Okay.
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GiphyOne more. Although it is super thoughtful and proactive to get people their gifts in time for whatever occasion you purchased them for, if trying to reach that goal is going to require paying for rush shipping that is damn near as high as the price of gift or spending a lot of gas money that you don’t have at the moment to drive miles and miles away — take the pressure off to spend a ton of cash just to make sure that something arrives at December 25. Listen, through doing business with Etsy, I have learned that through this administration, there are all sorts of tariff issues going on and the USPS is slower than ever too, so paying more may not guarantee much.
The hack? Send a message that something special is coming…soon enough. The thought really is what counts (more times than not); plus, it builds anticipation of something good coming, even if it’s after all of the Christmas Day hoopla. And no one (with sense) is going to have a problem with that.
Now don’t you feel better? Happy Holiday Shopping, sis.
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