

Nowadays, “self-care” is the headline of it all. But what does it actually mean to prioritize yourself, choose yourself, focus on yourself in an unselfish way, and effectively communicate your needs to others while tending to yourself? Tending to your physical health or appearance caters to your current state of life, but sitting with yourself and learning to understand yourself emotionally and mentally can heal decades of wounds. It can also create opportunities to cater to your internal self-care better in different seasons of life.
As a person that’s highly invested in my internal self-care, I’ll be honest with you. It never becomes super easy to sit with uncomfortable situations that I’m affected by, but thinking of how I worked through a past difficult situation inspires me to go at it again. Not one time has it not been worth it. Whether you are single or in a relationship, life is going to occur one way or another, and our goal is to obtain the tools that work for us to move through it and grow from it.
Here is some insight from some relationship experts on focusing on your internal self.
What it means to prioritize self-care & practice internal self-care:
The more you choose to sit with yourself and explore your thoughts and emotions, the quicker you can problem-solve when another issue arises. And no, problems won’t ever stop coming, but the way you work through them will look and feel different now that you have some history of problem-solving internal issues.
Maybe starting to do internal self-care looks like “identifying the parts of your life and internal world you’d like to focus on," states licensed psychotherapist and consultant N. Oumou Sylla. She continues, “Notice where in your life you're feeling resentful, depleted, burned out, or exhausted [and] be honest about the ways you contribute to your experience of internal conflict.” Strengthening your self-awareness and accountability for the part you play in your internal struggles is fighting half the battle to combatting internal stressors. Next is changing your behavior.
“Prioritizing self-care is being open to trying a variety of things to find what works best for you," states licensed clinical social worker Lena Suarez-Angelino. The more I’ve practiced different types of internal self-care, guided meditation, reading books or listening to podcasts about the matter, journaling, therapy, doing devotional plans, and prayer, the more in tune I became with knowing what works best for different internal situations I needed to work through.
Suarez-Angelino continues, “Remember to breathe and be kind to yourself. Taking care of yourself is something that should be stress-free and guilt-free. Remember the reason why you’re practicing internal self-care in the first place.”
How to work on yourself when you're single:
“The route to working through internal conflict can be similar regardless of your relationship status,” Sylla notes. Unfortunately, life will still hit us from every angle, solo or partnered. She continues, “Relying on others for support, especially during times of stress/conflict, is normal and healthy. The main thing to ensure is that you are not seeing others as need-fulfillment machines or as people that will save you. Over-reliance on others in this way may be a sign of co-dependence or a part of themself does not trust themselves to tolerate distress.” The goal is to learn a healthy medium with support from others and working on ourselves alone.
Suarez-Angelino suggests that journaling "become one of your go-to exercises for processing your thoughts and feelings without judgment. When it feels like you don’t have anyone that you can trust, and therapy may not be as accessible to you, journaling is a great tool. Journaling allows you to write everything down without a filter or risk of harming your loved ones.” If you’re like me and prefer some structure with guided prompts, try investing in these cards or articles on our site like, "15 Shadow Work Prompts To Honor The Fullness Of Your Inner Being," "18 Self-Discovery Journaling Prompts For The New Year," and "20 Journal Prompts For Entrepreneurs To Reflect, Learn, And Thrive" to help you on your journaling journey.
“Once everything is written down, you can go back and highlight the key parts that you want to share with your loved ones. It will help reduce the emotional charge behind the thoughts and helps provide more clarity to your thoughts and feelings. Talking to a therapist is another way you can do this, but it may take some time to find a therapist you can open up to about your stressors.”
How to work on yourself if you’re in a relationship:
Many of us see our partners as our best friends, and we tend to go to them first to confide in, which is lovely to have, but when we are experiencing intense internal distress, it may be best to explain to them you need some time to sort out your thoughts so you won’t project anything on them. “Being open and honest with your partner by saying something like, 'I’m having a strong emotional reaction to this, and while I don’t expect you to solve this, I may come off a little closed-off, irritable, or shut down,'" states, Suarez-Angelino. "'What you can do to help me is to know that you are here for me and available to listen when I am ready to share how I’m feeling. I think I need some more time on my own to think about it.'”
Being proactive by effectively communicating where you are currently emotionally and mentally can save you from so many unnecessary fights or making your partner feel inadequate for solving an issue that’s outside of their control.
And she continues, “You may also want to reassure [your partner] that whatever you're feeling does not have any indication of dissatisfaction in the relationship (unless that is a part of it). All in all, you don’t want to keep your partner in the dark about what you are going through while also easing their own anxieties and possible insecurities that they are the reason for what you’re feeling. You also want to clarify that it is not your expectation for them to fill that void or solve the problems for you.” You can work through it together by communicating your needs and your partner respecting your boundaries and checking in when needed.
Working through internal self-care is difficult, but every second spent finding tools and professionals to support you during that process is the best gift you could ever gift yourself. Everything you ask from others, the patience, the compassion, the grace, the gentleness, the unconditional love, please make it your duty to provide it first for yourself. You have everything you always needed within you. The only way to get over internal conflict is to work through it.
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Ajeé Buggam is a content writer and fashion designer from New York City and an alumna from the Fashion Institute of Technology. She specializes in writing about race, social injustice, relationships, feminism, entrepreneurship, and mental wellness. Check out her recent work at Notes To Self
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak