Something that my mother used to say is, "You can't really clean more than one room at a time." Whenever I reflect on that little pearl of wisdom, it reminds me of how a lot of folks tend to brag about how good they are at multitasking, when there is plenty of data to support that you can't really do more than two things well at one time. And honestly, I think that might be why so many people struggle with keeping their New Year's resolutions or even really making any progress at all in life—it's because they overwhelm themselves by trying to do way too much…all at one time.
In 2021, let's take a different approach. Let's "clean one room at a time" so to speak by breaking down each month into a particular theme. A way that I came up with how to do this is I revisited the history of the name of each month and how it came to be, along with some of the different things that each one specifically represents/symbolizes. If you want to make some real strides in your life, perhaps applying this approach to your own world can have you feeling really great about all of the developments you've made, by the time 2022 rolls around.
1. JANUARY: Gateways and Doors
A popular saying that I hear folks say often, that absolutely drives me up the wall, is "When God closes a door, he opens a window." What in the world? So, the Almighty prevents something from happening (which is usually a blessing in disguise) and then turns around and replaces it with something less? Chile, please. What life has taught me is when a door shuts, a path tends to open up that is wider than I ever expected (Ephesians 3:20-21)! It might not be one that I predicted, yet sometimes, the surprise is a part of the fun.
That's why, to me, it would only be fitting that January, the start of a new calendar year, would be all about gateways and doors. A gateway can be an entrance to a structure (like a new office building or place to live) or even an entrance to a region (like moving to another state or continent). Also, a door isn't just something that you can open in order to get from one room to another; it's also "any means of approach, admittance, or access". So this month, take some time out to think about what gateways and doors the universe is shutting and, at the same time, making available to you. Trust me, it's better to walk through something that is wide open than to keep banging your head against a wall…if you know what I mean.
JANUARY'S THEME QUESTION: What gateways and doors are making themselves available to me at this time in my life?
2. FEBRUARY: Purification
February is all about purification and I really dig that. The reason why is because purify is a really layered word. Freeing yourself from anything (or one) that debases you is a form of purification. Freeing yourself from anything (or anyone) that causes you to feel guilty or bad about yourself is a form of purification. Purging yourself of anything (or anyone) that is counterproductive, unhealthy, or flat-out toxic in your life is a form of purification.
When you let all of this resonate, purification can be about detoxing your system, ending a relationship that just isn't good for you, or breaking a habit that you know, at the end of the day, is only holding you back. Unfortunately, a lot of us are unable to progress in life because we skip a very important step when it comes to making that happen—purifying our mind, body, and soul so that we're more capable of making strides, both personally as well as professionally.
FEBRUARY'S THEME QUESTION: What can I do to free myself from anything that makes me feel unhealthy or bad about myself?
3. MARCH: Making Peace
There's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men." (Romans 12:18—NKJV) That said, it really is crazy how a lot of people claim to be Bible followers yet they conveniently edit Scriptures out like God not being the author of confusion (and whew, this world is confused about A LOT of things—I Corinthians 14:33) and peace being something that God calls us to have within ourselves and make with those around us.
The thing that I adore about peace is the fact that the Hebrew word for it is shalom and shalom means a ton of things. It means to be complete, whole, and safe. It also means to prosper, to rest, to rid yourself of agitation and discord. If you put all of this together, March is really about doing what you need to do in order to make yourself more whole, to be at rest with the people, places, things, and ideas in your life, and then to get out of a state of discord with those around you. For the sake of internal peace. And peace? There is nothing quite like it.
MARCH'S THEME QUESTION: What can I do this month so that I can feel more whole and complete?
4. APRIL: Love and Beauty
Personally, I don't think there is anything more beautiful than a woman who truly loves herself. I don't mean that someone who says it because it sounds good. I mean someone who is comfortable looking at herself in the mirror. I mean someone who can go out of the house, with or without make-up on, and feel totally fine. I mean someone who is confident enough in how the Creator made her that she sees no need to be jealous of how others look. I mean someone who doesn't fear aging because she knows that one more day—let alone one more year—on this planet is a true blessing. I mean someone who gets that, at the end of the day, beauty isn't just about what is on the outside—it's also about having character traits like femininity, grace, and a signature sense of style that is unique and unmatched.
Although the first day of spring this year is March 20, it's typically April when this season gets into full swing. That's why, it would make perfect sense that, as the flowers are in bloom, we should focus on "blooming" too.
Whatever you need to do to feel more beautiful—both inside and out—this is what you should focus on. Nurture your self-esteem. Embrace more of what makes you a woman. Do things that make you feel more beautiful like getting a new lipstick color, updating your hairstyle, or figuring out what you want to do to upgrade your closet. Relationships with other people don't matter if you don't start with loving yourself and feeling good about yourself. This should be what April is all about.
APRIL'S THEME QUESTION: What are the things that I can do to make me feel more beautiful so that I can love myself (even) more?
5. MAY: Greatness
The late track and field phenom, Wilma Rudolph, once said, "Never underestimate the power of dreams and the influence of the human spirit. We are all the same in this notion: The potential for greatness lives within each of us." You know what? She's right. At the end of the day, being great is about using your gifts, talents, personality and individuality to leave your mark on this world.
While you might think this means that greatness isn't achieved without becoming really popular or wealthy, nothing could be further from the truth. Some people are super successful because their marriage is healthy. Some people are super successful because their kids adore them. Some people are super successful because their reputation is intact. Some people are super successful because they are able to make a comfortable living off of their passion. Some people are super successful because they love their life and have very little regret.
Greatness isn't something that others can define for you. It's also not a measure that you can compare with other folks. It's simply focusing on doing what you feel, in your spirit, will help you to make your own special mark upon this world. In May, get clear on exactly what you would desire for that to be.
MAY'S THEME QUESTION: How do I define greatness? What steps should I take to embody that definition?
6. JUNE: Well-Being. And Marriage Preparation.
I know, right? It does seem like June is kind of all over the place, but if you really stop and think about it, not really. Actually, let's tackle this one in reverse. Knowing that one of June's focuses is marriage preparation, that actually makes sense considering the fact that June and October continue to be the top months for wedding ceremonies. And listen, I counsel far too many women who were more interested in being a bride than a wife—meaning, they put more into making sure their day went off without a hitch than their actual relationship…and now they are paying dearly because of it. So, if you desire to be a wife someday, using this month to get whole from past break-ups; to get clear on what you want in a spouse while becoming that person (so many folks ignore that last part); to put your finances in order; to take your purpose to the next level; to spiritually elevate; to feel better about your body image—all of these things can put you in the position to become an awesome complement to your future king.
And what if marriage either right now or ever (check out "Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON'T Desire Marriage?") isn't on your priority list? No worries. A lot of what I just said will still help you to become your best self, right? Devoting your time, effort and energy in June to doing whatever you can to become a better person overall is something that is well worth the investment. Spouse or no spouse.
JUNE'S THEME QUESTION: What should I do to significantly improve my overall health and well-being?
7. JULY: Youth
July comes from the name Julian and Julian means "young at heart". When I thought about that, the first thing that came to my mind was tending to your inner child. As someone who grew up with a fair share of abuse, I realize that there were certain things about the little girl in me that were not only mistreated but neglected too. For instance, I had a female family member who would say things to me like I wasn't as attractive as someone else; sometimes she even used derogatory words like "slut". And yes, I was an adolescent when she said it.
Growing up, I spent so much time trying just to shield myself from that person that I didn't realize how much those words hurt and I allowed myself to be around others who were also verbally destructive. And so, during a lot of my 30s and 40s, I made it a point to reflect on the things that were said to me that not just affected but infected my psyche. Then I became intentional about tending to those places so that I could really heal.
I say it often because, for better or for worse, it's true—adulthood really is about surviving childhood for so many of us and it's hard to be a thriving adult when areas of your childhood are fragmented. Using this month to tend to the parts of your youth that could use some healing? You won't regret it. I didn't.
JULY'S THEME QUESTION: What is my inner little girl lacking and what can I do to get into better touch with her, so that she can become healed and whole?
8. AUGUST: Self-Care
So, when I read that the emperor of Rome, Augustus Caesar, decided to name this month after himself, at first, I thought, "Gee, wasn't he full of himself?" and then I thought about how sometimes, when we put the focus solely on us, while at first, it can appear to be a selfish act, oftentimes, it's actually an act of self-care. This is what August should be all about—things that are good for your mind, body, and spirit are what deserve your undivided attention.
Read some self-help books. Go on a social media fast. Make a doctor, chiropractor, and nutritionist appointment. Don't skip out on at least a couple of mani/pedi appointments. Put "me time" on your planner. Leave work at your scheduled time. Soak in a bubble bath (or take a shower with nothing but lit candles; it's really relaxing). Tell people who drain you "no". Write yourself a love letter. Upgrade your bedroom and/or office. Cook for yourself more (and learn a few new recipes). Give yourself a scalp or foot massage. Purchase some art. Upload some new podcasts (and actually listen to them). Cultivate some habits (and boundaries) that will de-stress you. Meditate. Binge-watch nostalgic movies or television shows. Create a weekly self-care regimen. RELAX.
Devoting 31 days to nothing but self-care practices is a great way to get used to doing it, so that it will be almost like breathing, once it's time to focus on the next month.
AUGUST'S THEME QUESTION: What should I do to become better at pampering myself and promoting self-care?9. SEPTEMBER: Playfulness
Do you even know how to have fun? I'm serious. When is the last time that you did something, for no other reason, than the pure enjoyment of it? If you're struggling to find the answer, use a couple of months prior to September to create your own nothing-but-fun bucket list, then devote at least a couple of days each week in this month to check things off. Try a new flavor of ice cream. Play some board games. Spend a day in the city closest to you. Rent a luxury vehicle for the weekend. Order food from a high-end restaurant. Spend the night at a swanky hotel (whether you're with someone or not). Do something for the first time. Try a liquor or weed strain that you've never had. Celebrate your birthday somewhere else. Host an adult field day with some of your friends. Change your hair color. Whatever it is, try not to overthink it. Remember, the focus is having fun. Safe, smart and not-ruin-your-life-come-October fun. Yet fun nonetheless.
SEPTEMBER'S THEME QUESTION: What are some fun things that I can do? All month long?
OCTOBER: Celebration
October is personally my favorite month of the year. I like the fall weather. I like how it's the 10th calendar month (10 is all about completion and perfection). It's also when my late father and fiancé had their birthday, and they were two of my favorite people. So, when I say that October symbolizes celebration, I definitely sat up and took note.
I don't observe holidays. I think a part of the reason is because I've always been a Seventh-Day Sabbath observer and, in Hebrew culture, that is all about celebrating creation (Genesis 2:1-3). And since Friday sunset to Saturday sunset happens every week, there is no need to long for Christmas or any other holiday; a "special day" happens all of the time.
Regardless of what your faith perception may be, I think this is a similar mentality that we should take on when it comes to how we live out our lives, in general. What I mean by that is, if you're paying even a little bit of attention, there is always something to get excited about and/or praise. If you set a goal and reached it, celebrate. If you just made a big choice (or sacrifice) that you know is gonna ultimately be for your betterment, celebrate. If you've noticed that you've been feeling better about yourself, celebrate. And during the month of October, try and celebrate one thing, every single day. Even break out a bottle of wine, on some of those days because, from what I read, October started out being all about wine consumption too. Wonderful!
OCTOBER'S THEME QUESTION: What is something that you can celebrate, each and every day of this particular month?
11. NOVEMBER: Love and Affection
The birthstone for November is topaz and that symbolizes love and affection which is why I went this route for this particular month's theme. When I think about love, it's not what Disney and Hollywood say that comes to mind. It's the Love Chapter in I Corinthians 13. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn't envious. Love endures a lot. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, I personally believe that since God is love (I John 4:8&16) and we are made in his image (Genesis 1:26-28), life is all about learning how to become the literal embodiment of love. And that is something we will do until we die. As far as affection goes, that is merely an expression of love. While it can be physical like kissing, hugging, holding hands and cuddling, affection literally means devotion.
In November, think about who you claim to love and also who professes to love you. Does the love resemble the Love Chapter? When it comes to affection, when you say, "I love you" (or when you hear it), is there heartfelt devotion that is attached? Something that I am extremely cautious about, now more than ever, is just throwing the "love" word out there. No, I do not "love" ice cream like I love my godchildren. So, to avoid devaluing the word, I say I enjoy ice cream instead. Love and affection are extremely sacred. Use this month to think about who is worthy of your love, if you are appreciative of the love that is bestowed upon you and if affection is both felt as well as given.
NOVEMBER'S THEME QUESTION: Am I loving, being loved and showing affection in the best ways possible?
12. DECEMBER: Starting Over
While January is usually the year when people begin their New Year's resolutions, I actually think it's best to start applying some of your new plans in December. Not only does it take some of the pressure off (since so many other people talk about switching things up in January), it actually gives you time to ease into a new routine so that, come January, you're already in the swing of things.
Use December to ponder what you did over the past 11 months. Then think about what you want to bring into the next year and what you leave behind, always remembering that one of the beautiful things about time is it keeps moving which always gives you an opportunity to do what? START OVER. Never forget, you can always start over.
DECEMBER'S THEME QUESTION: What about this year do I want to forgive, release and start anew? What steps do I need to take in order to make that happen?
Two of the main things that keep us from making the most of the time that we have is 1) not making plans and 2) putting so much on our plate that we overwhelm ourselves and quit. That's why I definitely think that you should consider breaking up categories and hitting up one of them at a time. Knowing that you are focusing on clearing one path at a time can open up things for you in a way this year that will help you to thrive like no other, sis. Happy 2021. Walk it out. One month at a time.
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Featured image by Shutterstock
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'We Had To Heal To Love': Taja Simpson And Ryan Easter’s Journey To Lasting Love
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
One of my favorite things about interviewing married couples and hearing their diverse “How We Met” stories is the way they affirm true love and integral beliefs. One principle that I wholeheartedly believe is that one must truly know and love oneself before effectively doing it for another human being, and Taja Simpson and Ryan Easter’s story affirms this.
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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The One Thing That Leads To Happy Relationships Is Actually A Struggle For Many
Recently, while doing an interview for my latest “book child,” someone asked me to share what I found to be a constant issue within long-term relationships. One of the first things that came to my mind: “It’s really fascinating how many people will end a relationship for not receiving what they haven’t even been great at giving themselves.”
Y’all, I will forever-and-a-day say that if you don’t want someone else to hold you accountable (oftentimes in some very uncomfortable and unpredictable ways) and/or you don’t want someone to put an allegorical mirror in your face to reveal who you really are, to yourself, stay single.
Relationships aren’t for people who merely want to be catered to (or is it coddled?) all of the time. Relationships are for those who want to be transformed — and that requires being challenged to become a better version of yourself. And yes, that means being willing to give exactly what you want to receive.
Keeping that in mind, what is something that research says will cause a relationship to be a thriving success? Well, before we get into all-a-dat, I’ll just say that I’m not even sure how many therapists/counselors/life coaches would remain in business if people really put what I’m about to say into genuine and consistent practice — I’m not exaggerating either. Because, when I read an article not too long ago about the one thing that science says creates happy unions (although, I personally think that healthy should always trump happy), it made all the sense in the world why “it” would be the answer — and why so many folks struggle to do it.
Because although the answer is simple, easy? Well, that’s another matter entirely. If you keep reading, I think you’ll get where I’m coming from when I say that, too.
The Key to a Happy Relationship Is…
GiphyOkay, so this past winter, Newsweek published an article entitled, “Science Reveals the Simple Secret Behind Happy Relationships.” Before I share, do you first want to take a stab at what the secret is? Well, according to a particular popular study, something that can either help you to remain satisfied if you are currently in a relationship or can make you especially attractive if you are currently looking for one is the art of knowing — more specifically, being intentional about understanding your partner and communicating in a way where you are clearly understood (in walks, the famous quote by author Stephen R. Covey via his bookThe 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: “First seek to understand, then to be understood.”).
My mind constantly has songs running through it (which I personally think is a good thing) and the one that immediately came to mind here is Xscape’s throwback “Understanding.” Sing it with me now: “What I need from you is understanding. How can we communicate, if you don’t hear what I say? What I need from you is understanding. So simple as 1, 2, 3. Understanding is what I need.”
And while, on the surface, this revelation might seem like the biggest “duh” to be shot around the world, the reality is that if understanding was so obvious, why aren’t more people actually being that way towards their partner? While it could be that some folks are either too emotionally immature or too selfish to be in a relationship, to begin with, I’d venture to say the far greater issue is a lot of people know what understanding looks like in theory but not fully and totally when it comes time to actually execute it.
So, allow me to take out a moment to explain six ways that understanding manifests itself in a relationship and then four ways that it…well, doesn’t.
Signs of an Understanding Partner
1. An Understanding Partner Is Empathetic
GiphyIf you are not just willing but as able as possible to put yourself into the shoes of another, this makes you a pretty empathetic individual. That’s because empathy is literally about trying to see things from another person’s perspective so that you can understand them — and what you may be going through with them — better. Empathetic people are good listeners (more on that in a sec). Empathetic people focus more on the present than the past or the future (which keeps them from nagging or worrying).
Empathetic people are good with their body language (no eye-rolling, finger-tapping, or shoulders crossed, which typically convey cynicism or detachment — check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”). Empathetic people think before they speak. Empathetic people seek clarity over passing blame. Yeah, can you just imagine how much happier and especially healthier relationships would be if folks simply strived to be more empathetic? Have mercy.
2. An Understanding Partner Is a Good Listener
GiphyThere is a married couple in my life who, when it comes to communication, I am absolutely floored that they have lasted as long as they have. The husband? He’s charming and extremely funny, oh, but he can’t be quiet long enough to let you complete a sentence to save his life. SMDH. Meanwhile, his wife? To this day, she is the best listener that I have ever known. So much, in fact, that sometimes, when I’m talking to her on the phone, she is so quiet that I think that the call has dropped. LOL. And yes, this clash in their communication styles has caused her to consider divorce court more than a few times. I get why, too.
Cutting people off, talking over them, telling folks what you interpreted from what they said over what was actually stated, gaslighting or making definitive statements over asking questions — all of these are signs of not only being a poor listener but being rude, arrogant, and dismissive as well.
Y’all, while once reading an article on what makes someone a good listener, I really liked that the author said that a good listener is sincere, open-minded, and they are curious — they want to be a “student” of the conversation and not a teacher (hell, some folks act like they are nothing but a self-appointed principal!). When it comes to your listening skills, can you say that you listen like this? Better yet, ask your partner (or friends if you are single) what they think…then LISTEN for their answer.
3. An Understanding Partner Is Considerate
GiphyOne of my clients? I’ve known him for about 20 years at this point, and he continues to hold the blue ribbon for being the politest person I know. Hmph. Ain’t it wild how we can be so hard on children for not displaying good manners, including basic things like saying “please” and “thank you,” when we can’t even do these things our damn selves? That said, a considerate person, yes, has great manners. They also care about not hurting other people’s feelings, will often put others’ needs before their own, are patient with people (bookmark that), and will take accountability for their actions; this includes apologizing when they are wrong.
This brings me to another married couple I know and how the husband tells me that his wife never apologizes. Ugh. The level of arrogance (and/or insecurity) that comes with not being able to humble oneself and admit when they are wrong? There is no way that I could even attempt to go the distance with the kind of person who rolls like that. Sadly, though, many do, and one study calls people who act like this “defiers.” It then went on to say that these types of individuals oftentimes cross boundaries, are apathetic, and tend to have a lower level of emotional intelligence than others do.
When I put my life coach cap on about this, I’d venture to say that a lot of people who suck at apologizing probably had parents who also sucked at modeling it to them. Either way, you can’t really love well if you’re not a considerate person (even the Bible says that love is not rude — I Corinthians 13:5 — AMPC), and a part of what comes with that is owning your mistakes, poor choices, and offenses. No wiggle room here.
4. An Understanding Partner Is Kind
GiphyOne day, I’m going to write a full article on the importance of wanting a kind man over a nice guy and why it’s also essential to be kind to that kind man as well. Like I say often, a nice person is agreeable while a kind person is benevolent — and yes, there is a big difference between the two. One of the reasons why I thought it was important to bring kindness into the chat as it relates to how to be a more understanding individual is because you don’t have to agree with everything your partner says, does, or even expects of you to be kind.
No, kindness is about being thoughtful in your approach. Kindness is about speaking in a way that you would want to be spoken to. Kindness is about being compassionate. Kindness is about finding ways to compromise so that both individuals can be happy.
Kindness shows humility. Kindness accepts that others are not like them — and that is okay. Kindness makes things easier instead of more difficult. In short, kind people like peace. And while that doesn’t mean that they are going to “lose their voice” in order to get it, at the same time, they are going to deliver everything that they do in a spirit of peacefulness…and that goes a really long way as far as any relationship is concerned.
5. An Understanding Partner Is Generous
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but when I’m in the relationship space on social media, mostly what I see and hear is pure and unadulterated selfishness. All folks are talking about is what someone should be doing for them (monetarily or otherwise), and being self-absorbed is a surefire way to sabotage a relationship (once again, even the Bible says that “love is not selfish” in certain translations of I Corinthians 13). So yeah, that being said, something else that an understanding partner does is show how much they care by being proactively generous.
A generous individual gives freely (meaning that they don’t just give to get; that is usually a form of manipulation); they also like to see what they can do to help those around them. However, some other cool things about generosity are it isn’t mean-spirited, it likes to motivate and inspire others (especially their partner), and it is quick to compliment, encourage, and also be grateful for what it receives. Know what else? Generosity knows how to be content. Most definitely, generous people live in a state of satisfaction because — get this — they plant so many seeds in so many ways that they trust in karma to take care of them…and typically…it does.
6. An Understanding Partner Is Forgiving
GiphyAnother type of person who should never get into a relationship: someone who doesn’t forgive. Forgiveness can be explained in a billion different ways and yet, at the end of the day, I think one of the easiest breakdowns is it’s granting someone the kind of mercy and grace that you know you need to receive. Whew, the hypocrisy of individuals who think that they should be pardoned for their offenses while holding forgiveness like a weapon over other folks’ heads? How delusional can they be?
Anyway, understanding people get that forgiveness is a key ingredient to a successful relationship. For everyone else, check out “Are You A 'Bad Forgiver'? Read This And See.” — if you see yourself in it, either apologize to your partner for being that way or pump the breaks on getting into a relationship until you can “refine that skill.” Because, if there’s one thing that you’re going to have to do, more than a lil’ bit, it’s forgive (and, if you’re really being real…you’re going to have to ask for forgiveness too).
Signs Your Partner Doesn't Understand You
1. A Misunderstanding Partner Is a Poor Communicator
GiphyWhile checking out an article on a lawyer’s website not too long ago, it stated that 70 percent of men said that nagging and complaining led to the ultimate breakdown in communication when it came to their marriage. And before anyone deflects or dismisses this, even the Good Book says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman.” (Proverbs 21:9 — AMPC)
The article then went on to say that 60 percent of men stated that a lack of appreciation also caused communication issues. Meanwhile, 80 percent of women shared that they felt a disconnect in the communication department whenever their thoughts and feelings weren’t validated, while 60 percent were simply sick of their partner talking too much about himself.
And y’all, if one person feels nitpicked to death and the other feels unheard, how can there be any type of effective communication going on — and without that, no real connection can be made/nurtured/maintained.
This one right here? From the first date with someone, pay very close attention to if they are displaying any of these signs and if you are as well. Because there really is no point in trying to build with a person if poor communication is evident straight out the gate.
2. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Unappreciative
GiphyAt the end of the day, appreciation is really all about gratitude — about displaying an attitude of thankfulness. And when it comes to being appreciative, I’ve always liked the quote by author Eckhart Tolle that says, “Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance;” the quote by author and professor Sonja Lyubomirsky that says, “Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation;” the quote by actor Doris Day that says, “Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty;” the quote by author John Ortberg that says, "Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation” and the Vietnamese Proverb, “When eating fruit, remember the one who planted the tree.”
What all of these things mean to me is when you look at what you already have and acknowledge how grateful you are for it, that keeps you in the present moment so that you are putting less pressure on your partner and your relationship. And y’all, even though sometimes pressure produces diamonds, as Chad from Insecure once said, “Pressure busts pipes” — and not always in a good way. Balance is key. Appreciation helps to keep things in balance.
3. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Disrespectful
GiphyY’all want to talk now or later about how Scripture instructs husbands to love their wife and wives to respect their husband (Ephesians 5:33)? Respect is about esteeming someone, and if you really want to take it to church, the Classic Amplified Version of I Peter 3:2 says that husbands should also be reverenced and that should look like this: “…[for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].”
Yeah, there really is no telling how much marital relationships would improve if more husbands decided to love from a “nourish and cherish” perspective (Ephesians 5:29), and more wives actually put respecting their husbands into daily rotation.
Anyway, in general, no one really understands how to love someone properly if they are disrespectful towards them: yelling in conversations and/or belittling in arguments; being dismissive of boundaries; acting flippant about their partner’s needs; making commitments and then not honoring them; being hypercritical; acting abusively (on any level including mentally and emotionally); not valuing their partner’s thoughts and opinions — oh, I could go on and on with this one. Truly, words cannot express how many people ruin their relationship, and it’s all due to how disrespectful they actually are.
4. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Impatient
GiphyLove. Is. Patient. It’s Scriptural, too (I Corinthians 13:4). Being patient is about not only knowing how to wait but how to wait well. In fact, as I’ve shared in other articles on the platform before, patience is defined as “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Hmph. It’s a sermon series, all on its own, how many people don’t love as much as they think they do (and definitely not as well) because they don’t know how to deal with trials that come in relationships — and trials WILL come.
Signs of being an impatient person: you get irritated easily; you have a short temper; you find yourself competing with other people; you think “wait” means “no” (or never); you make snap decisions; you constantly put feelings over actual facts; your tongue moves ahead of your brain; you stress yourself and others out; you rush, and you don’t know how to handle delays in a calm and mature manner. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? Okay, so why would you expect someone else to be fine with it? (Ouch.)
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The fun thing about writing articles like this one is, that although the study simply said that understanding is what’s required to have a great relationship, that means nothing if we don’t understand what understanding actually is.
Hopefully, now, you’ve got a bit more insight into it because, now that you see what comes with being an understanding individual, it should be more evident than ever why these kinds of couples are able to see the distance in their own relationship as they find themselves smiling and oh so very satisfied along the way. Salute.
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