If no one has told you today: I love you and I see you, sis.
Regardless of our sexual orientation, economic status, religious beliefs, and marital status, Black women remain the most neglected, unprotected, and disrespected people in America and you, my good sister, deserve better. I deserve better. And so did 19-year-old activist Oluwatoyin "Toyin" Salau, who was recently found murdered in Tallahassee after tweeting the details of her sexual assault.
Here's what you need to know:
Oluwatoyin Salau Fought Relentlessly For Black Lives
Toyin was originally reported missing on June 6 and was subsequently found dead alongside 75-year-old AARP volunteer Victoria Sims by authorities after being missing for eight days. The teenager was a vocal member of the Black Lives Matter movement in Tallahassee and relentlessly pulled TF up for victims of police brutality, including trans man, Tony McDade, who was fatally shot and killed by police officers, until the time of her death.
Oluwatoyin Salau Was Seeking Refuge Before Her Death
Hours before her disappearance, Toyin penned a series of tweets that quickly gained traction and ultimately triggered a statewide search for the young activist. Toyin, estranged from family and without resources, explained that upon searching for refuge, she encountered a man who she initially suspected to be a good samaritan. The teenager shared that although she found shelter at a nearby church, she was ultimately forced to leave in order to "escape unjust living conditions." She wrote:
"He came disguised as a man of God and ended up picking me up from nearby Saxon Street. I entered his truck only because I carry anything to defend myself not even a phone (which is currently at the church) and I have poor vision. I trusted the holy spirit to keep me safe.'
Oluwatoyin Salau Tweeted The Details Of Her Assault
Shortly after, Toyin described being violated, an experience that she became familiar with while navigating life as a homeless teenager. Her tweets continued:
"Once I saw he was asleep I escaped from the house and started walking from Richview Road to anywhere else. All of my belongings my phone my clothes shoes are all assumably at the church where I've been trying to track since I sought spiritual guidance/ refuge. I will not be silent. Literally wearing this man's clothes right now DNA all over me because I couldn't locate his house the moment I called the police because I couldn't see."
...Which Later Helped Authorities Locate A Suspect
While information from her tweets was unable to help authorities find Toyin before her untimely death, they did help police locate 49-year-old Aaron Glee Jr., a suspect who is now being investigated for double homicide and was accused of sexual assault as early as a week before her disappearance.
"Mid 40's lives in a gray painted duplex apartment style house drives a white clean Silverado Chevrolet truck."
The 19-year-old activist was described by friends as "brave" and "passionate" soul who damn sure didn't deserve to die by the hand of a man whose freedoms she was fighting to preserve. Toyin's story is only one of the heartbreaking tales that reminds us that Black women are a national treasure that deserve to be protected and heard at all costs.
As we mourn the deaths of our many sisters who have been silenced by police brutality, domestic violence, and internalized misogyny alike, please don't forget to say their names:
Featured image by Twitter.
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Mercury enters Aries from April 16 until May 10, and what you were trying to see through or understand better while Mercury was retrograde here last month, you are experiencing a breakthrough now. Mercury in Aries is insightful and courageous, and people are more likely to speak their minds and initiate conversation with this energy. Mars then enters Leo from April 18 until June 17, reminding us that sometimes it’s okay to be a little more selfish and to focus on what you need right now. Mars in Leo brings forth confidence, creativity, and passion, and brings an exciting energy to charge of your life and advocate for yourself.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, bringing some earth sign energy into the mix, grounding and nurturing what you are creating in your life right now. On April 27, we have a New Moon in Taurus, and this is an abundant and fruitful New Moon. This is one of the best New Moons of the year for you to set your intentions for your financial world and a time for seeing new opportunities for abundance. On the last day of the month, Venus moves into Aries until June 6th, and love requires a little more passion, independence, and excitement during this time.
Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
The Full Moon in Libra on April 12 will be a time to devote your energy to self-care, close loved ones, and overall getting some time to decompress. You are ready to let go of the things that don’t make you feel safe or nurtured and are receiving an emotional renewal right now. The New Moon in Taurus at the end of the month is a time to focus on your intentions on your community, friendships, and aspirations in life, and to pay attention to where you can create more abundance here.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
On April 18, Mars enters your sign until June 17, and this is huge for you. You began the year with Mars retrograde in your sign, so you are getting the opportunity now, to rewrite some of the things that weren’t working for you at the beginning of the year. You are overcoming previous obstacles, and experiencing a breakthrough in your life this month. Before April ends, there is a New Moon in Taurus, highlighting your career, reputation, and professional life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for what goals you want to come to fruition for you now.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
April is a month of success, progress, and dreams coming to fruition, Scorpio. You are focused on your health, your priorities, and creating space for the new beginnings that you are creating in your life right now. The Full Moon mid-month is a big closure moment for you, and you are owning the fact that you have healed and you are no longer the same person you were in the past. This is a month of stepping into your power and feeling supported in doing so.
Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus, which will be highlighting your health and what your body needs more of right now. This is a New Moon to set your intentions for your everyday life and to create a new, beneficial routine that will make things easier for you at the end of the day. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 9th house of adventure, and you are leaving the month with your sights set high. Travel plans are likely, and this is a good time to create some new plans for yourself.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation mid-month and will be fueling your need for some change, excitement, and emotional rejuvenation over the next month and a half. You are entering an impactful moment of the year for you, and you are motivated toward change right now. The New Moon at the end of the month is in a fellow earth sign, highlighting the romantic new beginnings you are entering now. Overall, this month is a process, and you are opening new doors while finding gratitude in what is here for you now.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
That’s how I feel about certain things that I personally think some folks have a tendency to take way too seriously and literally. Things like what? Zodiac signs, for one. Although I am a proud Gemini and I will agree that, for better or for worse, there do seem to be some character traits that are spot-on with different signs, you will never (EVER) hear me say or recommend that you select friends or partners based on when their birthday is (what in the world?!). Or love languages.
Do I think that words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts are some of the main ways that people prefer to receive love? Sure. Do I think they are the only ways? How is that even possible?
And then there are the four attachment styles that have been coming up, what seems like now more than ever, over the past several years. Do I believe that the British psychoanalyst John Bowlby along with the research assistance of psychologist Mary Ainsworth were onto something when they came up with what is now widely known as the attachment theory? Absolutely. Do I think that some folks go to the extreme when trying to process what they should do with the data that’s attached to it? Words cannot express just how much.
To me, what all of these things have in common is the fact that, as the brother said in the Instagram post that I referred to, “It’s just information” — intel, data, knowledge, messages, clues even that can help you to “expand a picture,” so that you can make wiser relational decisions. That said, though, should you solely bank on zodiac signs, love languages, and/or attachment theories when choosing a partner, deciding how to communicate with them, and/or if you should remain with them? Well, I’ll put it to you this way: If you have a 100-piece puzzle to put together and you’ve only got three pieces assembled, is it complete? #justsomethingtothinkabout
Still, you can tell from the title of this message that I do think that attachment styles hold some merit. So, let’s briefly discuss what all four of them are, why it’s something that you should want to learn about when it comes to yourself and others, and also how to use the information practically and responsibly — so that the intel helps the relationship instead of sabotages it.
Ready?
What the Word “Attachment” Means and the Attachment Theory Is All About
GiphyIf you were to Google quotes on the word “attachment,” you would find results that might confuse you about it, if you’re not careful. What I mean by that is, that it would appear that there are more warnings about getting attached (especially to people) than encouragements. Take the quote by author Steve Maraboli: “The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over.”
Or this one by French philosopher Simone Weil: “Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached.” Or this one by writer Norman O. Brown: “Love without attachment is light.” Hmph. Maybe it’s just me but it seems like one thing that all of these sayings have in common is, “Don’t get too attached.” (Bookmark that. I’ll circle back around to that point in just a bit.)
Okay so, just what does it mean to have an attachment to someone or something?
In general, it’s “a feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause, ideal, or the like; devotion; regard.” When it comes to the attachment theory, it’s more like “an emotional bond between an infant or toddler and primary caregiver, a strong bond being vital for the child’s normal behavioral and social development” and then, as we get older, it becomes “an enduring emotional bond that develops between one adult and another in an intimate relationship.”
So, basically what the attachment theory is saying is, well, it’s part of the reason why one of my favorite quotes is “Adulthood is surviving childhood” — it’s the belief that how you attached to your parents explains how you will attach to others, especially romantically, once you are grown.
Now according to Bowlby, when it comes to the attachment theory specifically, there are “character traits” of attachment.
- Proximity maintenance: the longing to be close to our attachments
- Safe haven: seeking out our attachments for safety and comfort when a threat is present
- Secure base: the attachment being a form of stability as the child steps out to explore
- Separation distress: anxiety that transpires whenever the attachment isn't present
And based on what kind of attachment style a child has experienced, these traits can manifest in some interesting ways once they become an adult.
Keeping all of this in mind, let’s explore what the four attachment styles are. Honestly, each attachment style could be its own article; however, for the sake of your time and my space, I’m just going to briefly touch on each one.
ATTACHMENT STYLE #1: Secure Attachment Style
GiphyWhen a baby/young child’s physical and emotional needs were consistently (consistently is key) met by their parents (or parent or primary caregiver — I’m going to just say parents moving forward, though), that creates a sense of stability and confidence. Since their parents were so reliable and dependable, that gives the child the ability to explore, play, and learn outside of their parents which helps them to become more empathetic and emotionally mature. As a direct result, once they become adults, they typically have a strong sense of self-worth and healthy relationships and they are strong listeners and communicators.
Without question, having a secure attachment style is the ideal.
ATTACHMENT STYLE #2: Ambivalent/Anxious Attachment Style
GiphyWhen a baby/young child’s needs are inconsistently met by their parents, they quickly begin to feel or believe that they can’t fully trust the people who are taking care of them which can make them quite anxious. As a result, there is quite a bit of internal conflict that transpires because, while they are uncomfortable when their parents aren’t present, they aren’t exactly comforted by their return either (because again, full trust is lacking). And if you can’t really trust your own parents, you definitely are going to struggle with trusting others.
This oftentimes means that, once they become adults, they can put people through a lot of tests and challenges to get close to them, and then they will overwhelm those same people out of fear of being left alone. Once the relationships end, they don’t typically handle the transition very well either.
Basically, closeness makes them nervous and distance does too.
ATTACHMENT STYLE #3: Avoidant Attachment Style
GiphyWould you be surprised that a commitment-phobe has an avoidant attachment style? Pretty sure that it makes all of the sense in the world. Here’s how someone becomes that way — whenever a baby/young child doesn’t get the emotional support that they need (even if their physical ones are being met), the child comes to the conclusion that they shouldn’t rely on others in an emotional way (hmph — think about all of the people on social media who base relationships on money and material things; makes you wonder, right?).
This could lead to children who trust other people, even strangers, more than their own parents; in fact, sometimes these are the kids who prefer to avoid their parents altogether. Once they grow up, though, they can oftentimes be poor emotional/relational communicators, they tend to prefer to keep things surface and shallow, and/or they may know a lot of people, but they aren’t really intimate (especially emotionally) with any of them.
Since the foundation of intimacy was shaky, it’s hard for them to “build” with others.
ATTACHMENT STYLE #4: Disorganized Attachment Style
GiphyChaotic. Confused. Unpredictable. These are the words that come to my mind when I think of what is known as disorganized attachment style. A baby/young child who deals with this usually comes from a home that consisted of quite a bit of trauma and/or fear. Because their environment was so emotionally erratic, they tend to be too. As adults, these individuals are the “come close, go away” folks. They are the ones who, right when you think they are about to be “all in,” they run. Hell, I’d venture to say that someone with a disorganized attachment style probably came up with the saying, “Hurt people, hurt people” — because, on some level, they tend to do to others what was done to them.
Something else to keep in mind about this particular attachment style is, that because they probably took care of their parents (one way or the other), they may see relationships — even ones that they want and need — as work instead of a benefit because they weren’t given the opportunity and freedom of being a child when they actually were one.
Okay, so if you didn’t already know all of this, now that you have this information, what attachment style would you consider yourself to be? My recommendation would be to not assume and actually take a quiz. You can do so here, here, or here, if you’d like. If you’re in a relationship (or you’d like to learn more about your friends and their attachment style), shoot them those links too.
The Benefits of Knowing Someone’s Personal Attachment Style
GiphyAight, so with all of this foundation laid, let’s get to the main point and purpose of this article: how much should you factor in your partner’s (or potential partner’s) attachment style when it comes to your relationship with them? Honestly, like I said earlier, I think it’s just…a puzzle piece.
A big part of the reason why I say that is listen, if someone came up in some inconsistent ish, it’s me — and yet, every time I take an attachment test, it says that I have a secure attachment style. I think one reason is because the way I feel about each of my parents is quite different which can bring balance to what I missed from one and gained from the other. I also think that, as my mother has told me on many occasions, I am “violent about my growth and my peace” (it’s one of the best things that she has ever said to/about me too) and so a lot of self-work has been done to become a holistically healthy and balanced individual.
And you know what? Similar things can be said about someone else. If they do happen to have another type of attachment style, while that may explain some things about them, if they are willing to do the work to have a healthy relationship — what’s the problem? Case in point: I know a guy who was a commitment phobe for years. I also know about his childhood and it was traumatizing as hell. His dating experience with his now-wife was a bit rocky yet he did the self-work and, because she knew about his attachment style beforehand, she was patient while he did.
Yeah, that’s one of the things that I think is highly unfortunate about the state of our culture these days.
So many people are so selfish and caught up in immediate gratification that they don’t get that all of us need some mercy, grace, and understanding. All of us have a backstory that we would appreciate some gentleness with. All of us are works in progress when it comes to being better partners.
So, what are you saying, Shellie — that if my partner is uncomfortably clingy and I figure out that they have an anxious attachment style that I should just…deal with it? No, what I am saying is if your partner is uncomfortably clingy, you know about their childhood stuff and they are willing to do some healing, if there are so many other things about them that are awesome, you should consider supporting and encouraging them through the transformation process.
Because now you are fortunate enough to have information that explains what’s going on — and sometimes, just knowing what’s up can change…everything.
Attach or Not Attach. That Is the Question.
GiphyAll of this brings me back to what I said I would address: Is having an attachment to someone a “bad” thing? Personally, I look at it in a similar way that I do to expectations. I don’t trust people who say to not get attached to anyone or thing in life and I also don’t trust people who say to never expect anything. To me, that doesn’t sound like sound advice; that sounds like bitterness and pain.
Now REALISTIC attachments and REALISTIC expectations? See, I’m all about that. In fact, one of my favorite Message Version Scriptures of the Bible says, “It’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.” (Ecclesiastes 7:18) Being realistic is about approaching things from a place of practicality and accepting what is real instead of romanticizing matters. And if you are going to be devoted to something or someone, you should be REALISTIC about what you are getting yourself into.
In other words, it’s one thing to be attached to someone (in a healthy way) who is attached to you (in a healthy way) — sometimes attachment styles show us that we’re involved in something that’s quite different.
Sometimes, we are trying to have a relationship with someone who has a certain attachment style and they have no interest in reciprocity or moving forward. And while their style may explain why, if they are fine with how things are and you aren’t — that can be an unhealthy attachment because you are devoted to someone who isn’t really devoted to you. Again, it’s not (just) about what their childhood was like; it’s about how they are handling their childhood as adults.
If a man is constantly avoiding you, his attachment style may help to explain why yet what he is doing is still a conscious decision. To justify or excuse it? That is an unhealthy attachment.
A healthy attachment is when two people realize that some things were probably missing in their childhood which explains some things about who they are now, they are not expecting their partner to overcompensate for any of it (an article unto itself), they are giving each other space to grow and evolve and they are each doing the work to make themselves (first) and the relationship (second) better.
___
There are all kinds of television shows, podcasts, social media posts, and articles about how if someone has a certain attachment style, you should flee — that is so extreme and to a certain extent, pretty unfair. We can’t control the parents that we had — we can only control the adults we are now.
Attachment styles are puzzle pieces…data…information. Treat it as a part of what makes a picture while not seeing it as the entire picture itself. Attach to that way of thinking and, one way or another, relationships will be beneficial for you. Because you are attaching in a healthy, practical, and realistic kind of way. The way attachments should be.
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