Whether still dealing with the aftershocks of the pandemic, not being able to get enough time off or money being a little on the tight side is what's preventing you from going on a romantic vacation this summer, who's to say that you can't do a sexy staycation instead? If the mere thought of that feels like a poor man's — or woman's — consolation prize, I promise you that it absolutely does not have to. Opting to stay at home while possibly throwing in a couple of day trip adventures (which is a classic definition of a staycation, by the way) can be loads of fun, super romantic and also really cost effective without feeling mad cheap.
All you need is an open mind, this article and a willingness to put a plan into place as soon as possible. Ready to get started?
1. Tell Everyone You’re Going to Be Away
When it comes to putting a staycation together, one of the biggest mistakes that people make is not announcing that they are going to be away for a little while. Listen, even if you're gonna do nothing other than camp out at your home for a week, it's important that family, friends and co-workers don't treat you like you're just a phone call or stop by away.
A staycation is still a form of a vacation, so make sure you let everyone know that you won't be available (unless it's an absolute emergency) once you've got some dates in place.
2. Order Breakfast in Bed
OK. Personally, I like to cook. I also think that cooking dates can be kind of sexy. Here's the thing, though. When you're on a staycation, it's important to deviate from your usual routine, as much as possible, even when it comes to how you get down in your house. A huge benefit that comes with being on vacation is sleeping in, right? So, when it comes to the most important meal of the day, avoid the urge to cook or settle for nothing more than a bowl of cereal. I'm pretty sure you've got some great breakfast/brunch restaurants in your area. Support local businesses and treat yourself by ordering breakfast to be delivered to your house, at least a couple of times, instead.
3. Dine at a New Romantic Restaurant
Not too long ago, someone asked me in an interview if going out for dinner can get old for a couple. My answer was, "No. Not if the restaurant requires dressing up and you're not constantly going to the same one." Unfortunately, when it comes to eating out, a lot of us seem to only treat it as a functional outing rather than an uber romantic experience. Avoid being that kind of statistic by finding an upscale restaurant and dressing to the nines. Good food, good ambiance and good company can never be boring; especially when you're on a staycation.
4. See If ‘Let’s Roam’ Works in Your City
When I take staycations, I promise you that I can never leave the house and be just fine. For those of you who end up feeling a little stir crazy after a day or two, be a tourist in your city — only with a romantic twist. In 300 different cities to-date, there is an app called Let's Roam. The cool thing about it is, for under fifty bucks (for both of you), you can go on a scavenger hunt throughout your city. It could be a unique way to create some new memories. If you're interested in learning more, go here.
5. Upgrade Your First Date
Whether your first date was super extravagant or it consisted of meeting at a coffee shop, there are few things more romantic than revisiting the moment when you and yours officially made a "formal" connection. Thing is, for many of us, as great as the experience may have been, we secretly wish that some tweaks could've been made to make things that much better. During your summer staycation, seize the opportunity by redoing your first date…by upgrading it a bit. If you wish the date had been earlier and longer, make that happen this time. If you would've preferred a quieter restaurant or one with a different cuisine, find a place that fits the bill and go there. If the connection was awesome but the location/venue could've used some work, change the place and wear the same outfit. You get the drift. Upgrading a first date while reminiscing about the actual first date is a form of mental foreplay like no other.
6. Redo Your First Night Together
Speaking of foreplay, chile…while we're in the spirit of redoing things, how about replaying your first night together too? The key here is to not make either one of you feel self-conscious by critiquing what could've been done differently or better. It's more about first discussing all of the amazing memories you recall from your first experience with each other and using that as a way to mentally go back to that time, in order to enjoy each other all over again.
The mind is the biggest sex organ we've got. You'd be amazed how merely discussing the first time you were one with each other in that way can take sexual pleasure to a whole 'nother level.
7. Take a Day Trip
Remember how I said that a staycation doesn't mean that you've got to stay cooped up in your house or even in your city the entire time? Going on a day trip can be romantic too because the time in the car can give you the opportunity to catch up in a way that you may not have been able to in a while. Plus, there's nothing like finding some romantically random bed and breakfast in some quaint little town. If you'd like some help finding one within a 150-300 mile radius to you, bnbfinder and BBOnline can be of some great assistance.
8. Make a Different Cocktail (or Mocktail) Every Day
Whether you and your boo decide to stay in bed all day or you stroll the mall, take in a movie and dine outdoors, very few things are more relaxing and delightful than a cocktail or, if you don't consume alcohol, a mocktail (which is basically a virgin cocktail). In the spirit of keeping things sexy, check out "8 Summer-Themed Alcoholic Drinks That Can Boost Your Libido". For some mocktail ideas, go to your favorite search engine and put "mocktail recipes" in the search field.
9. Play Some ‘Monogamy’ or ‘Fog of Love’
Do you and yours like to play games (the good kind) when you're able to spend some quality time together? If so, two that you may really like are the sex-driven conversational board game Monogamy (you can get it here) and Lovehoney Oh! Sexploration Vouchers 52 Weeks of Adventures (you can get it here); it consists of a deck of romantic and raunchy cards to pull from. If you put on some sexy music, pull out a bottle of wine and make sure that you don't have much on, you'll be sure to have a super entertaining evening.
10. Then Go for a Round of ‘Truth or Drink’
While you've got that bottle out, something else that you might want to do is play a round or two of Truth or Drink. Now, I'll be the first to say that super sensitive or even potentially insecure couples should probably steer clear of this one (especially as the drinks get to flowing). But if your relationship is based on a solid friendship and you both are very open with each other anyway, this game can be a lot of fun because there's no telling what you'll find out about your partner.
As the title of it goes, it's pretty self-explanatory. Each of you gets to ask a question and the other person gets to choose whether they want to answer or take a sip (or shot). If you want to raise up the ante a bit, throw in some sexy dares too. If you'd like some help coming up with some questions, Scary Mommy's site has 145 to inspire you. Check them out here.
11. Enjoy a Night of ‘Movie Strip’
What the heck is Movie Strip? It's another thing that one of my blasts from the past and I used to do.
We'd each pick a favorite movie, watch it and then quiz each other on the details in the film. For every time we got an answer wrong, we'd have to take off a piece of clothing. I'm pretty sure it goes without saying that whoever ends up naked first loses.
Well, sorta. #wink
12. Try to Literally Have Sex All Night
Anyone who knows me knows that very few things make me happier than listening to 90s R&B for hours on end. However, if there's one thing that really does tickle me about a lot of R&B music is the lies, lies…LIES it tells about people when it talks about having sex all night long. C'mon now. Who has the time, the energy or the natural lubrication required to make that happen? Chile, please. Still, when you're on a sexy staycation, it can be enjoyable to see how close to that goal you can actually reach. Shoot, to serve as extra motivation, some sort of prize can be offered to the partner who doesn't "tap out" first. It could be doing a household chore for a week that one of you hates, running errands that one of you likes to avoid — something that makes winning really worthwhile, even after your staycation is over.
13. Have an Orgasm Competition
Speaking of being up all night long…back when I was sexually active (le sigh), one of my partners and I used to literally compete to see who could give each other the most orgasms in one sex session (well, one night but you know what I mean). It was actually a strategic kind of "game" because while it can be pretty easy to get the first one off, it requires a bit more finessing, technique and intentionality to enter into the multiple orgasms lane. Nothing beats trying though. Wheeeeeeeew-whee.
14. Stay Naked Most of the Time
Whenever I'm in a counseling session and the topic of improving a married couple's sex life comes up, it never fails that women want more foreplay while men want visual stimuli to go up a few notches. For some, that means they wish that their partner would play dress up in more lingerie. However, what I tend to hear even more than that is men wish that their lady would be naked way more often than right before it's time to "get it in". Surely y'all are not shocked by that. Still, there's no time like this article to encourage you to disrobe more than usual. I mean, you're on a staycation and you want to make it as HOT as possible so — why the heck not?
Being naked is not only alluring and appealing as hell, it's a great way to keep your body temperature stabilized, decrease your stress levels, make you feel more comfortable with your body image, give your vagina the time and space it needs to "air out" a bit and, it definitely is an entry way to more intimacy.
I live alone, work from home and even I can't tell you how many days you can find me in nothing but a blanket for most of the day. There is something very freeing about nudity. There's also something erotic about it when you're that way with your partner. Even if it's just for a couple of days, take it off, TAKE IT ALL OFF, while you're on your staycation.
15. Pitch a Tent
If you've got a private backyard, there really is something sweet about pitching a tent, bringing a few snacks outside, along with blanks and pillows and cuddling up while looking up at the stars until you both fall asleep. It's a super relaxing and very sentimental way to culminate what will hopefully be one of your best vacations ever — a super hot staycation.
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Take friendships, for example. While, when you were a teenager, having a ton of friends was typically an indication of being uber popular, as an adult, you realize that popularity ain’t all that it’s cracked up to be and that if you have three solid friends, you are truly blessed. In fact, some studies reveal that most adults have between 3-5 true friends (not people you are cool with or even close acquaintances…good friends), with almost 50 percent professing to have three or fewer of those.
In the spirit of finding that conclusion to be absolutely true, let’s look at five types of friends you need — and three kinds of friends you don’t. Hopefully, when it comes to the five, you’ve got folks in your life who have all of these characteristics. Also, once you review the three kinds of “friends” who are probably doing you more harm than good, you will be ready to do some shifting — so that you have more to offer the friends who are actually benefiting you and your world (as you do the same thing for them). Ready?
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1. You NEED an ACCOUNTABLE Friend
GiphyI’ll tell you what — if anything is currently on the endangered species list, it’s accountability. I don’t know what’s up with the current state of our culture, but people holding themselves responsible for their own words and actions (along with allowing others to do it) is becoming so rare that I recently wrote an article about it (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'” when you get a chance).
It’s like egos are so large — and fragile — that so many folks have fooled themselves into believing that they want a romantic partner when what they actually want is a mesmerized audience and/or that they long for a true friend when what they actually want is a diehard fan. Don’t believe me? How many times have you heard someone say, “If you were my friend, you wouldn’t judge me, you’d support me”? And usually, it’s in the context of them being called out in their ish and them not liking it.
Supporting you doing something that is potentially unhealthy, obviously counterproductive, or even simply against your friend’s personal convictions? Nah, a real friend is gonna tell you what you don’t want to hear — especially if/when you don’t want to hear it because one of the main purposes of friendship is to look out for you and check for blind spots that you may not notice any other way.
Does that mean you are always expected to agree with your friend and their findings? No. Still, if they truly care about you, they will put their concerns on record. That’s the sign of someone you can actually trust. Besides, have you read an entertainment website or blog lately? Audiences and fans are fickle as hell. Accountability comes with maturity and stability. It’s something that the foundation of friendship is built upon.
2. You NEED a FLEXIBLE Friend
GiphyI don’t have kids. I do have goddaughters, though. One of them is a preteen (lawd, where does the time go?!) who is a bit on the dramatic side. So, one thing that I try and emphasize to her is she needs to be flexible when it comes to her approach to life. Otherwise, her rigidness (that life should go the way she wants to with no wiggle room for shifting) is gonna make her…unnecessarily miserable.
Sometimes she listens, sometimes she doesn’t — especially when it comes to her friendships. It’s like she wants everyone to be just like she’s decided in her mind that they should be, and then they are only loyal from her perspective if they never switch up. Bless her heart, because could anything be more unrealistic than that?
Thing is, I know grown folks who act the same way, not just when it comes to their friends but their own marriage. Listen, when you sign up to be in an intimate relationship with someone else, one of the things that you’re doing is agreeing to be loyal to the person they were, the person they are, and the person they are becoming — as they do the same thing for you. And that? That requires quite a bit of mental and emotional flexibility. And no, it’s not always easy.
Just recently, I was talking to a friend of mine about how much I have grieved certain dynamics of our friendship over the past (almost) 20 years. In so many ways, although core values like loyalty, trustworthiness, and dependability have pretty much never wavered, because he’s become a different person in other ways, to a certain degree, it’s affected how we interact and how much. Many times, when we would discuss it, he would have to remind me that I’m comparing who he is now to who he was when he was damn near two decades younger — and to him, that was unfair.
In many ways, he’s right. There’s something wrong with a person who can go years at a time without evolving, and there’s also something wrong with a friend who won’t “let” a person do so. Hmph, that actually makes Alice Walker’s quote make all the more sense: “No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow.” Yeah, if you want to have good friends and be a good friend, flexibility has to come into play. No doubt about it.
3. You NEED a PROACTIVE Friend
GiphyIn the many years that I have been a marriage life coach, if there’s one thing that personally irks me to no end is passive aggressiveness. I’ve said it many times before because I absolutely believe it to be true that Disney and rom-coms have too many people out here thinking that a sign of true love and real connection is mind-reading abilities when that simply isn’t the case. What I mean by that is, if you want someone to know what your wants, needs, and expectations are, you need to tell them. Guessing games are just that: GAMES.
And what does that have to do with this particular point? Well, until you state what you need from someone, it’s not their responsibility to try and figure it out and then fulfill it. It’s once you communicate with them and (this is key), they agree that it is something that they can rise to the occasion on, and then they don’t, that it starts to translate as neglect or even disrespect as far as your relationship goes.
Here’s a good example. I’m a Gemini. I’m also a unique woman on a few levels because, although I don’t observe holidays (and no, I am not a Jehovah’s Witness), I do treat my birthday like it lasts the entire Gemini season. Back in the day, I used to assume that my friends found their own birthday to be as much of a big deal as I did mine, and so, I didn’t think it was necessary to mention that I wanted to celebrate beyond a mere “Happy Birthday.” Interestingly enough, though, most of my world is kind of “meh” about their day — and so that energy initially translated that way when it came to observing mine.
For years, I would be HOT. At the same time, I wouldn’t say anything. I chalked it up to folks not really caring about me as much as I thought they did. That is, until I stated it as a need and — BOOM! Even the friends of mine who don’t get it will make sure to bring up, right around the beginning of June, what I want and/or want to do for my born day. They are proactive instead of reactive because I communicated my needs.
So, with this point, there are two things to remember: don’t expect out of people what you haven’t clearly stated. Once you do, though, if they value you and your dynamic with them, they are going to be proactive. In other words, you won’t have to keep asking, keep reminding, and/or keep being disappointed. You will be too important to them for that to transpire.
4. You NEED a SAFE Friend
GiphyProbably, until my last breath, if someone were to ask me about a self-help book that they should read, I’m going to refer them toSafe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't. Listen, when you’ve survived the kind of stuff that I have over the course of my lifetime, “safe” is a word that is truly music to your ears. And yes, when it comes to the types of friends that you need, safe is a word that you should never compromise or waver on.
When someone is safe, they are “secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk” and “free from hurt, injury, danger, or risk.” Some synonyms for safe include protected, cherished, alert, considerate, and even “taking it easy” (they aren’t pushy or pressuring). And because the word “safe” isn’t used nearly enough when it comes to setting the bar for romantic, platonic, or hell, even familial relationships, let me go a bit deeper.
Characteristics of a safe person include:
- They are honest and direct in their communication
- They let you share your feelings freely
- They keep things confidential
- They operate from a place of humility
- They do not weaponize information against you
- They’re forgiving
- They’re understanding
- They are affirming and validating
- They are consistent (they aren’t wishy-washy)
- They don’t expect perfection yet they do expect growth
- They keep their word
- They help you to become a better person
And honestly, these 12 things simply scratch the surface of what it means to be safe to someone else; however, the list is vast enough (hopefully) that you know what kind of bar you are holding your own friends to.
For the record, a safe friend isn’t a perfect one. That needs to be said because friends are human and humans are fallible. At the same time, the reason why I’ve penned articles for the site like “10 Signs You’ve Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” and “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?” is because, it’s one thing for a friend to make mistakes, yet it’s another when they are reckless and honestly couldn’t care less if their words or actions are doing you harm.
So yeah, do yourself a favor and think about each of your friends (close friends especially). As you go over the safe list — which of them are safe and which ones…honestly aren’t? And then, in the spirit of holding your own self accountable, ask yourself if you are a safe space for them as well. In order to be objective, you might want to send them this article and let them be the judge. Straight up.
5. You NEED a SECURE Friend
GiphyIt’s hard for someone to love you if/when they don’t love themselves. And when I think back on one of the things that I totally underestimated back in the day when it comes to healthy friendships, it was making sure that the people in my life weren’t insecure — especially the women. From the mean girl that I met in the first grade, to one of the worst people to ever come into my life who was kind of forced upon me in my childhood (just because your parents have friends, that doesn’t mean that you should automatically be put together with those people’s kids), to some people who were not-even-remotely low-key jealous and competitive — you really need people in your life who are so secure in themselves that they can root for you, they won’t try and copy you and they don’t feel some type of way about the goals that you reach along life’s way.
So, what are some clear signs that you’ve got a friend who is secure with themselves, which means that they will be solid when it comes to you and your friendship with them?
Secure people:
- Don’t always have to be right
- Do not feel threatened by your success
- Aren’t using you as a meter for their own life accomplishments
- Don’t give backhanded compliments
- Aren’t defensive about every damn thing
- Aren’t super clingy or needy
- Can take criticism
- Aren’t petty
- Don’t switch up on you on the regular
- Feel like a breath of fresh air instead of someone you have to walk on eggshells around
In short, insecure people feel like projects, and when it comes to healthy friendship dynamics, the last thing you should want to feel is like you’re always working on someone — or that you’re constantly working to make things work.
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1. You DON’T NEED a HYPOCRITICAL Friend
GiphyHave mercy! If there is one thing that our culture enjoys doing to the utmost, it’s cherry-picking the Bible. Meaning, if there’s a Scripture that makes them feel good, they’re all about applying the Good Book to their lives. On the flip side, if there’s something that challenges them to the utmost, suddenly, they want to deflect or manipulate it. Take when Scripture speaks of Christ saying, “Judge not, that you be not judged.” Folks are good for stopping there, yet let’s look at the statement in its proper context:
“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?” — Matthew 7:1-3(NKJV)
Now, for the record, there are verses like “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment” (John 7:24 — NKJV) that make it clear that judgment is not a bad thing; it’s just that there is an attitude and order that we’re supposed to apply when doing it — and Matthew 7 is clear that the spirit that we have when we judge is one that we can expect from others. Not only that, but whatever area we plan on judging in, we should make sure that we’re good in that very same space.
For instance, how can you call out your friend on being in unhealthy relationships if you’re in a toxic one yourself? Are you being a good friend, or are you merely deflecting — or worse projecting? It is easier to take out your frustrations with yourself on them because you don’t want to look into your own mirror. Or how are you going to be hard on your friend about their financial decisions when your credit score sucks, and your savings account is empty?
See? The issue when it comes to being a hypocritical friend is you either hold people to a bar/standard that you don’t even hold yourself to, or you seem very comfortable with the “Do as I say not as I do” approach — and that is just ridiculous.
No one needs a friend who thinks it’s their job to police everyone but themselves. It’s draining. It’s arrogant. And, at the end of the day, it benefits absolutely no one.
2. You DON’T NEED an INCONSISTENT Friend
GiphyA few weeks ago, while sitting in one of my classes, an instructor asked all of us to share what our biggest pet peeves were when it comes to relationships. I didn’t have to think twice — I can’t stand it when people are inconsistent.
I think a lot of it has to do with PTSD from my childhood because I lived with people who were unpredictable as all get out. And while it might be ironic to those who’ve read/heard that a popular trait of Geminis is moodiness (although I would say I’m pretty consistent on that front), is there anything more exhausting than someone who is one way on Monday and another way on Thursday or they make plans and then bail at the last minute (on a pretty regular basis), or they suck at clear communication, or they make promises yet don’t keep them, or they aren’t there for you when you absolutely need them to be? NOPE.
And while we’re on this particular kind of friend that you don’t need in your life, some definitions of consistent include compatible, not self-contradictory, and “constantly adhering to the same principles, course, form, etc.” Yeah, the older you get, the more you realize that long-term friendships need to have more than “we like the same music or food” in common. It’s important to have some people in your life who share your core values — who have similar (good) character traits as you do.
Also, some synonyms for consistent include words like dependable, logical, rational, steady, and unwavering. For better or for worse, if there’s one thing that just about all of my friends say about me, it’s that I’m consistent as hell — what you see is what you get. Rarely does something ever blindside them about me; especially since I’m going to pretty much overcommunicate my needs and will give a heads-up when I’m about to shift into some sort of internal growth spurt. That way, there are no unpleasant surprises.
Life brings enough of those without your friendships being full of ‘em. Feel me? I’m sure that you do.
3. You DON’T NEED a SELFISH Friend
GiphyAs I’m gearing up to write my third book, one of the things that I will be addressing is how selfish a lot of my past friends — well “friends” — were. A lot of self-work and healing has helped me to see that a huge part of that is because my friends reflected quite a bit of my familial experiences because, well, your family is all that you know…until you know something different.
Friends got to get away with it because it was a cryptic kind of selfish. They were self-consumed like a mug yet also manipulative enough to do just enough to make me think that it was okay for me to do more than them. Probably the best way to explain the hamster wheel is bread-crumbing — you know, giving you a little bit to keep you hanging on and rarely much more than that.
For instance, I have shared before that one former friend? Over the course of our friendship, I literally spent thousands on her, yet I can’t think of one time when I ever received a wrapped gift. Not one. Instead, she would bake a cake or cookies (mostly for my birthday), which was nice — yet still, how do you go 15 years with someone purchasing for birthdays, bridal showers, weddings, anniversaries, etc., and you can’t seem to muster up one present that actually comes with a receipt?
Meanwhile, you show me things that you purchase for other folks? Wild. Yeah, she was a selfish person, and a big part of that was because she was a self-consumed woman. Somehow, even when she claimed to call to check on me, the conversations would always become about her (chile).
So, what else does a selfish friend typically do?
- They’re constantly asking for something while rarely offering anything
- They display horrible timing when it comes to their requests (they don’t know how to “read the room”; they only care about their needs being met)
- They rarely apologize (if ever)
- They don’t really commit to anything unless they can get something out of it
- They do what’s best for themselves — even at the expense of others
- They have controlling tendencies
- They act entitled
- They’re typically easy to get along with until they can’t have their way
- They lack empathy
- They don’t mind you doing most of the work
To be fair, most of us have selfish moments that our peeps have to love us through (because, well, love is patient, right?). However, because friendships are about reciprocity, look out for folks who, if you pulled your effort out of the picture, there would barely be a friendship to speak of because that’s how much you put in and how little they do.
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It was a long read, I know. Yet because one of the most important relationships we will ever have in this life is our friendships, I hope this cheat sheet will help you to see what a real friend looks and acts like — and doesn’t.
Because, after all, life is too short and precious to be out here not celebrating the friends you need as you hold onto the ones…you…don’t.
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