When I was 19 years old, my period didn't come for two months. Naturally, my first thought was, oh shit, I'm pregnant, because there was definitely a possibility. I had been with my then-boyfriend for years and we weren't using protection, so the idea of two lines showing up on a stick wasn't that far off. Buying a pregnancy test at a pharmacy can be such an awkward experience, so I pulled my hoodie over my face as if I was on the run from the law, grabbed a bunch of unnecessary items, and I bought the test. All of that, and it came back negative. My OBGYN warned me that it was possible that I could have gotten a false negative so I scheduled an appointment with her and I was hopeful that by the time I had gone, my period would have come. It didn't. Two months turned into three, so I walked into that office prepared for the worst. Because I knew I didn't want a child, I had been rehearsing how I would tell my doctor that I wasn't ready to be a mother. My relationship was beyond dysfunctional, I wasn't mentally prepared for motherhood, and as selfish as it sounds, I didn't want to be a teenage parent.
As my legs dangled on the examination table awaiting what I thought would be the worst conversation, she walked in, and immediately hugged me. It was as if she knew everything I was feeling and she leaned in and delicately asked me, "Do you desire pregnancy?" And I abruptly responded, "No ma'am." As gentle as she was, I still wondered how I found myself standing in front of the same doctor who made sure I was on birth control before I left for college, telling her I might be pregnant as I approached junior year.
The days that I waited to hear back from her felt like years, but one day while I was at work, she called. When I went back in for my follow-up, she wasn't smiling at all - she looked worried. The words that followed after changed my reproductive life forever: "You're not pregnant, you have PCOS." At that point, I felt like pregnancy would have been easier to swallow. Between my tears and overall confusion, what I made out from the conversation was my hormones were off-balance, and that because I had gained a significant amount of weight, there was a possibility that I could be infertile. Leaving the office, she also prescribed that I take a medication called Metformin to bring my period down and stay on birth control to regulate my cycle. Afterwards, I immediately went home, called my mom, and did tons of research on PCOS.
What You Need to Know About Polycystic Ovary Syndrome
According to Healthline.com, PCOS is defined as a condition that affects a woman's hormone levels. Women with PCOS produce higher-than-normal amounts of male hormones. This hormone imbalance causes them to skip menstrual periods and makes it harder for them to get pregnant. PCOS also causes hair growth on the face and body and baldness. And it can contribute to long-term health problems like diabetes and heart disease. Birth control pills and diabetes drugs can help fix the hormone imbalance and improve symptoms.
Who PCOS Affects
PCOS is a problem with hormones that affects women during their childbearing years (ages 15 to 44). Between 2.2 and 26.7 percent of women in this age group have PCOS and studies show that up to 70% of women who have PCOS haven't been diagnosed.
Symptoms of PCOS
- Irregular or skipped periods
- Cysts in the ovaries
- High levels of male hormones
- Infertility/difficulty getting pregnant (because of irregular ovulation or failure to ovulate because if your period isn't coming, you aren't ovulating)
- Excessive hair growth – usually on the face, chest, back or butt.
- Weight gain
- Patches of dark skin
- Thinning hair and hair loss from the head
- Oily skin or acne
How PCOS Affects Black women
- Increased rates of hirsutism (excess hair growth in typical male patterns, but on a female)
- Higher risk of cardiovascular disease or metabolic syndrome
- Lower likelihood of getting pregnant (Black women do not have as much success with in vitro fertilization as white women, and they're also more likely to be obese—a risk factor for infertility)
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All of the information I found on Beyonce's internet, and I still felt lost because, outside of the irregular period, I had none of the symptoms that I saw online. I'd gone from mentally preparing to have an abortion, to searching for support groups for a hormonal disorder that could prevent me from having children. With a combination of prayer and self-reflection, I decided I'd do whatever it took to take my body back. As kind as my doctor had been, she wasn't helpful outside of the scope of Western Medicine and I needed more than pills, I needed real healing.
Over the course of three years, I did these things to reverse my PCOS symptoms:
- I worked out two to five days a week
- I went all organic (I started with little things, like buying the foods I consumed the most in the organic variety)
- I stopped drinking sodas/juice and eliminated high carb fruits/vegetables from my diet (I now only drink water, coffee, and green juice with no fruits added daily)
- I focused on losing stomach fat because excess weight around my midsection means added pressure on my ovaries
- I reminded myself that on days when I didn't want to work out, I was doing this for the children I wanted to give life to someday (I know it sounds like a lot but the thought of infertility is scary so I practiced affirmations daily)
- I got off Metformin and relied on my body to do the work
Months before my 23rd birthday, I made a follow-up appointment with my doctor. She was thrilled to tell me that my androgen levels (testosterone levels) had gone down and that I was making great progress. I walked out of that office feeling like I was finally on the path to fertility again, but I was still on the pill. What most doctors don't tell you about your period on birth control, is that it's not a real period. Because birth control alters the levels and hormones in your body, menstruation is triggered by a drop in the hormones estrogen and progesterone, both of which are artificially produced by the pill. This means that menstruating on the pill isn't a real period; it's "withdrawal bleeding" produced by a lack of artificial hormones aka, a "fake" period. So I couldn't be happy with those levels dropping if I was still taking birth control pills.
Once I was single I became celibate, so I didn't need the pill anymore, but I stayed on out of fear. Days before I finished my last pack, I decided to trust myself, pray even harder, and thirty days after I got off the pill, my period came on time and it's been regular ever since. My cycle has changed so much since being off the pill for the better, and I can feel so much now that I didn't before. Ovulation is something I'm excited to experience. I no longer have menstrual cramps because I feed my body what it needs, and I stay active. This journey hasn't been easy but I made a decision to undo the damage, and research (on everything from herbs to fight PCOS, plant-based feminine products, what your menstrual blood color means, and how to keep your hormone levels even through your diet.)
That doctor's appointment was eight years ago, and I'm now 60 lbs down. I have a new fertility doctor who, after a series of tests, officially confirmed that I was misdiagnosed. And I'm exploring such a beautiful relationship with my body and womb wellness overall.
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RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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And just why would a plant that contains dung (wild, right?) be associated with intimacy? Well, two things that mistletoe symbolizes are vivacity and fertility — and since kissing is oftentimes a precursor to foreplay which then leads to sex…there you have it.
Although you may not have known any of this until just now, if you’re not currently in a serious relationship and yet you do happen to have a mistletoe hanging somewhere in your house and/or you’ve got plans to put some somewhere on your body over the next several days (check out “Mistletoe Around Your Waist (And Other Christmas-Themed Sex Ideas)”) — this article was written with you in mind.
Why the Holidays Are a Prime Time for Casual Sex
Why is that? Well, since people reportedly have more sex during the holiday season (more on why in a bit), I just wanted to make sure that before you let the presence of mistletoe (and hormones) overtake you as you take that text from an ex or respond to that DM from some month-long-correspondence-exchange guy that you stop to consider what you may be getting yourself into…beyond just (possibly) a “’tis the season” orgasm. Or two.
Never Forget What “Casual” Means
GiphyAs long as I am able to speak on casual sex, I will forever profess that it continues to be one of the greatest oxymorons of our time — to me. When you stop to consider that Scripturally, sex was designed to bond married couples (I Corinthians 6:16-20-Message), that babies can be made from sex, and that there are hormones during the act of sex that can cause you to bond to someone in a way that nothing else can (whether you’re close to them or not) — I don’t know why anyone would want to look at sex from a casual space; especially since casual means things like apathetic, careless, without serious intention, without emotional intimacy and indifferent.
Shoot, even some of the most promiscuous guys I know say that sex is better when they have some sort of emotional bond with their partner. So, if you’re about to consider involving yourself with someone sexually on a casual level over the next several days, please take a moment to really ponder what that means (in spite of how much culture tries to downplay it); then decide if “casual” is what you’re after — and if it’s what you are truly deserving of.
Keep the Holiday Season in Its Proper Perspective
GiphyRemember how I said in the intro that research has revealed that sex tends to experience an uptick right around this time of the year? There are several reasons why that is the case. For one thing, cuffing season is upon us and we all know that is when cold weather will make (many of) us look for a cuddle buddy (by the way, if you’ve never seen Big Jahh’sCuddle Seasonseries before, it’s pretty funny and is currently on Tubi). Another reason why sex happens more is because people are taking time off which means that they have more time for, umm, lay activities. Another reason? Nostalgia, chile.
As you’re taking walks down memory lane, it’s real easy to think about that romantic ice skating date you had with a guy five years ago or when you and your ex-boyfriend binge-watched Christmas movies all weekend one year. Suddenly, when one of those fellas pop up on your phone, you’re strongly considering recreating those moments. Be careful. I’ve got a friend right now who is in one of the dumbest relationships EVER (for the billionth time, I might add) — and it’s pretty much all because she doesn’t know how to leave the past in the past. She doesn’t know how to let nostalgia…go.
Oh, and one more reason worth mentioning for why holiday sex is so rampant is because science actually says that the fall and winter seasons are the best time for copulation (check out “Did You Know Fall & Winter Are The Best Times To Have Sex?”). Whew.
What all of this is basically saying is the holiday season sets up an ideal atmosphere for sex, including casual sex. However, just because it puts you in the “feels” that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t use your brain. Bottom line, is having someone to cuddle up with worth it if they are just gonna go ghost on you before Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, all because there was nothing truly substantial to keep them there in the first place? Just something to think about.
We Tend to Be Riskier During the Holiday Season. Be Careful.
GiphyYou know, I once read that DUI offenders find themselves drinking a whopping 33 percent more during the holiday season, and Americans overall drink twice as much as they usually do right through here. And you know what? It should be no shocker that when you are inebriated, it not only increases your chances of engaging in sex with partners you may not have chosen with a sober mind, but it also increases your chances of participating in unprotected sex too (a part of the reason why it does for us is that alcohol also elevates our testosterone levels which, yes, makes us hornier).
And since STIs/STDs continue to be on the rise and we’re about to be in an administration that doesn’t seem to be big fans of readily available forms of birth control — yeah, definitely watch how much alcohol you consume and always (and I do mean ALWAYS) keep some condoms at your personal disposal.
After Weddings, Marriage. After the Holidays, “Real Life.”
GiphySometimes, when I’m in a coaching session with a single woman who seems to be almost obsessed with the idea of getting married, something that I will say to her is, “Please remember that you are a BRIDE for a day and a WIFE for the rest of the days following your wedding.” Meaning, marriage isn’t one nonstop party where most of the focus is on you and everything that you want is at your disposal for the rest of your entire life.
And you know what? Along these same lines, after all of the décor, music, and sentimentality of the holiday season is over, real life sets back in and you’re going to have to deal with whatever decisions you made during the holidays — good, bad, or otherwise. So, if you’re considering engaging in some casual sex, in part, because those Hallmark holiday movies have gotten to you, please remember that movies are scripted and reality checks can be quite costly…when you don’t prepare for them.
Always Remember, YOUR BODY IS A GIFT
GiphyConsidering we are so close to Christmas, of course, I had to find some kind of pun to end this with. And honestly, when I think of the main definition of "gift" (“something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present”), I do think in this culture of transactional dating that everyone is doing (check out “Guess What? Dating Was Never Supposed To Be Transactional.”) that people really should ponder what a gift actually is. SMDH. Is your time really a gift — or is it more like a bribe (or spider’s web)?
However, when I speak of a gift for this last point, I mean that when someone is able to be with you sexually, it should be seen as a privilege because you should be seen as a blessing…starting with how you see yourself. It’s a lot harder for someone to process you in that manner if 1) they barely know you; 2) some real conversations aren’t had on the front end of coitus, and 3) you’re not being honest with yourself about what you want and need beyond sexual stimulation. Remember, you are a gift. Gifts are special.
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So, this holiday season, if casual sex has some real potential to be a part of your memories this year, please take everything that I just said into account. Be wise. Be safe. And be mature enough to acknowledge that sex has consequences. Then move accordingly in front of that roaring fire or tinseled Christmas tree of yours. #wink
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