I believe I’ve shared on this platform before that whenever the topic of unconditional love between parents and children comes up, more times than not, I’ve got plenty of pushback to offer. Mostly because, through my fair share of experience and boatloads of personal observation, I’ve come to realize that what a lot of people think is unconditional love is actually manipulative control.
What I mean by that is, when many people say that they can’t unconditionally love an adult (like their spouse), yet they can their kids, the reason why kids are easier for them is that children have to do whatever they say. Oh, but let that child get old enough to have their own values, perspectives, and opinions (especially around the late teen years) — and watch all kinds of “conditions” from the parent arise (just think about it).
And a big part of that, in my opinion, is there’s not enough discussion that’s centered around if people RESPECT their children —you know, allow them to have their own views, don’t talk over them when they’re speaking, find other ways to discipline instead of always, and/or immediately putting their hands on them, giving them space to process their emotions…basically treating them as human beings who are just as worthy of respect as anyone else (because they are).
It’s kind of another topic for another time that a lot of grown folks basically suck at respecting other people, and it’s because their parents did a piss poor job at respecting them because I am a huge believer that it’s human nature to do what’s familiar more than what’s actually good or right (unless you’re hyper self-aware, very intentional and open to therapy). That’s the sad part.
How Do You Deal With Parents Who Don't Respect You?
The good news is if you’ve never even pondered the kind of respect that you are worthy of when it comes to your parents now that you are an adult or if you’ve been feeling disrespected and you’re not quite sure how to address it with one or both of your parents, here are some things that you can do to get the kind of respect that you deserve (because you absolutely do deserve it).
How To Deal With Parents Who Don’t Respect You #1: Be Okay with Setting (Firm) Boundaries
GiphyI once heard a therapist say that abuse is about having total disregard for someone else’s boundaries. As someone who grew up in an abusive home, on a few different levels, I would certainly agree. Boundaries are limits, and when it comes to mine, not only were some of my basic ones totally disregarded, but I also had a parent who went through my diaries, listened in on my phone calls, and pressured my doctors to give them intel — past my teen years.
Even well into my 30s and 40s, there would be things that they were explicitly told would be a violation of space, feelings, and needs that they would railroad right over — and feel totally justified in doing so when it came to my home, my relationships and my personal information.
I always knew that their actions were triggering as hell, yet it wasn’t until I read a book that I shout out every chance I get (Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't) that I got just how UNSAFE they were to act that way because a foundational truth about all healthy relationships is that boundaries exist and people respect them. And you know what? Parents don’t get a pass on that.
In fact, if they were serious about their role in your life, they would understand that they were to raise you to get to a point where you would know what limits should look like and which ones need to be set for everyone; them included.
Some of us have been controlled/manipulated for so long that we don’t even get what disrespect from a parent looks like. Honestly, it’s no different than when anyone doesn’t honor your boundaries:
- If someone dismisses your feelings or needs, they are dishonoring your boundaries
- If someone disregards your “no,” they are dishonoring your boundaries
- If someone pressures you to do something that you don’t want to do, they are dishonoring your boundaries
- If someone is hypercritical of you to the point where you try and be what they want instead of what you want, they are dishonoring your boundaries
- If someone has to be constantly reminded of your boundaries, they are dishonoring your boundaries
And again, they do not get a pass on this if they are your parents. In fact, if ANYONE should be the walking definition of “safe,” it should be them — and they aren’t emotionally safe to be around if your boundaries are not adhered to (only unsafe parents would disagree).
How To Deal With Parents Who Don’t Respect You #2: Remember That You No Longer Need Their Permission
GiphyOne of my parents is so off the chain that when they would stay in my house, they would try to tell me that I needed to stay with them whenever I took them to visit someone and that I would need to come back to my own house at a certain time — as I was on a curfew. Chile. And because I was afraid of what would happen if I said “no,” I would reluctantly agree. That is until one time — the last time I will ever allow this to happen — they violated a boundary and then tried to control my reaction to it.
It was then that I decided no more. Something in me realized that I didn’t need their permission to tell them that I wasn’t going to do or allow something…because I didn’t…and fully accepting that was oh so freeing! Permission means “authorization granted to do something; formal consent,” and we all reach a stage in our lives when our parents don’t have authority over us. Listen, I know that is difficult, especially in Black culture (especially if you were raised in Black church culture…more on that in a bit), to hear, yet it’s still the truth.
Back when you were not an adult, and your parents were providing for and protecting you under their roof, there was a certain level of authority that they had. Now that you are out on your own, though? You absolutely do not need their authority to do something. To think otherwise would basically imply that they have rules for your life, and I don’t get how any parent (short of perhaps some things that have to do with one’s culture) would need to do that for a self-sufficient adult.
Believe you me, once you really settle into the fact that a part of what comes with being an adult is being able to move without needing the formal consent of your parents, you’ll be amazed at how easy it is to apply these other following points to your life.
How To Deal With Parents Who Don’t Respect You #3: Also, Remember Their Words Are ADVICE, Not INSTRUCTIONS
GiphyMany of us are aware of the Scripture, “Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6 — AMPC) And the fact of the matter is, a lot of us know it because our parents taught it to us.
Yet, like a lot of people who only take the part of a verse that they like or is convenient for them and then disregard the rest when it comes to so much of the Bible (Psalm 37:4 comes to mind: “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.”), many mothers and fathers stay parked at “train a child up” while forgetting (or is it ignoring?) that a child does not need their training forever; at some point, they are required to hold their own selves accountable in a way where the adult-child choose what training they will not depart from (Isaiah 7:14-15 is a good example of this).
And when it gets to that point and place, that’s when a parent shifts out of the position of giving instruction to giving advice — and no, an adult child does not have to agree with their parent’s advice, nor do they have to take it.
Because here’s the deal — advice, by definition, is “an opinion or recommendation offered as a guide to action, conduct, etc.” An opinion or recommendation isn’t always, nor does it mean that the opinion or recommendation is automatically right, especially right for someone (because all of us are different). Plus, a good advice giver knows that it’s not their role to force it on anyone. Typically, it’s not even volunteered because a wise advice giver knows that it is best received by people who actually ask for it. Not only that, but they also get that it’s not their job to conduct another adult’s life; that is the sole responsibility of the individual.
So no, healthy-minded parents of adult children aren’t invested in giving instruction because they know that is no longer their job, and they offer up advice…when it is sought after. They are able to chill out in this department because they release fear, remove ego and give their adult children the respect of living their lives how they want to — because that’s a huge part of what comes with adulting.
How To Deal With Parents Who Don’t Respect You #4: Don’t Accept Biblical/Spiritual Manipulation
GiphyDo y’all want to talk about how a lot of parents spiritually manipulate their adult children because they allow the leadership of their church to spiritually manipulate them? Since they don’t really know how to think for themselves, they pass that toxicity down to their offspring? Not now? Okay, just let me know when.
Because look here, the stories are countless when it comes to adults who have either told me that they lost their identity thanks — yet not thanks — to biblical/spiritual manipulation or they are out here living the lives that their parents mapped out for them instead of what their passions actually are. And how are so many parents able to get away with that? It’s with the help of one verse that happens to be a commandment (the fifth one, to be exact): “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12 — NKJV) Okay, but just what does that mean?
Let manipulators and control freaks speak on it, and they will jump right into the word “obey” when that isn’t even what honor means. To honor someone is to respect them. To honor someone is to give credit where credit is due. To honor someone is to give them a place of distinction that no one else holds. Now tell me where “do whatever they say and tolerate whatever they do for the rest of your life” is in any of those definitions. Yeah…exactly.
Some synonyms for honor include praise, celebrate, and paying homage. Yeah, looks to me like honoring one’s parents is more about recognizing the sacrifices they made in your life, not belittling their role, and giving praise where praise is due — not letting them talk to you any ole’ kind of way or intimidate you into living the kind of life they think is best for you. I mean, if we’re going by actual word definitions and not scripture manipulations.
So, does that mean that children aren’t to obey their parents? Ephesians 6:1-3 is clear about that being important — for children to do not adult children, though. Besides, I find it mighty interesting that usually, the parents who try and twist and distort the Fifth Commandment will be the same ones who act like Ephesians 6:4(NKJV) does not exist: “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”
What does it mean to provoke someone? Provoking is about triggering them. Provoking is about emotionally stirring them up. Provoking is about saying or doing what you know will make them angry. It’s about arousing negativity in them — and parents aren’t even supposed to do this to little children, yet so many parents do this so much of the time.
So yeah, if you happen to have a Bible-thumping parent in your life who acts like the Fifth Commandment is the joker card in a spades game when it comes to justifying how they try and violate your own boundaries, you are more than well within your rights, as an adult, to remind them of what provoking someone means — and that if you feel provoked by them to let them know.
How To Deal With Parents Who Don’t Respect You #5: Manage Your Emotions When It Comes to Their Disapproval
GiphyIf some of this is resonating with some of y’all to the point where you feel like you can break from the shackles (yes, shackles) of feeling like you have to constantly do what your parents say or put their happiness above your own, that’s awesome. I will say that as you’re easing into this new head and heart space that there is something else to keep in mind: yes, as an adult, you have the right to make whatever decisions you want — and no, your parents do not have to like it, agree with or support it. Ironically, you are trying to control them if you think that they should.
I can’t tell you how many times I have seen this scenario play out. One example that immediately comes to mind is a college student I know who initially took on a major that their parents pressured them into. When they decided, during their junior year, to switch to something totally different, they basically threw a temper tantrum when their parents pulled their financial support out of their tuition.
Yeah, that’s the part of adulting that a lot of people don’t want to deal with: they want to do whatever they want and still have their parents back their choices no matter what. Yet that’s not how it works. If you want your parents to respect your right to make certain decisions, you, in turn, must respect how they choose to respond to those choices. It’s not about if their reaction is “right” or “wrong,” it’s about them having the freedom to do what they will, just like you.
Another example that comes to mind is the movieWrath: A Seven Deadly Sins Story, which came on Lifetime several months ago, starring Michelle Williams and Tina Knowles-Lawson. Michelle’s character had a boyfriend that she asked her father’s opinion about, and then she got mad when he disapproved (he ended up being right, by the way). And you know what? That was immature on the daughter’s part…she asked.
It’s not like it doesn’t make sense, though. Just like parents of adult children have to, well, grow up and realize that their authoritative role has shifted once their children are grown, the children have to realize that their parents don’t have to like everything that they say or do — and that doesn’t mean they aren’t still loved (at least if the parents are healthy); it just means that there comes a time when parents and adult children have to learn to agree to disagree on certain matters. And that’s more than okay.
Yep. If you want the freedom to make your own decisions, you must also give your parents the freedom to be overjoyed or disinterested or even extremely disappointed about those matters. Real talk, they don’t have to celebrate everything you do. As you mature, you will learn to be fine with that. Again, it comes with growing up.
How To Deal With Parents Who Don’t Respect You #6: Be Okay with Providing Consequences (or Being Their Consequence)
One more. When it comes to setting boundaries, one quote that I like a lot is by an author by the name of Nick Chellsen. He once said, “Boundaries are what you say 'no' to. Priorities are what you say 'yes' to.” When you were a child, on many levels, your parents determined what your priorities should be; now that you are an adult, that call is solely on you. And yes, this means that you get to fully and freely determine what to say “yes” to (priorities) and what to say “no” to (boundaries).
So, what happens when one or both of your parents try to disrespect your call on these things? That’s when you need to introduce consequences. Yep — CONSEQUENCES. See, a controlling (which is an unhealthy) parent will already take issue with that because they have fooled themselves into believing that they are above consequences, yet all a consequence is, is the outcome of a certain action — and the reality is that most of us do not learn without consequences.
That parent of mine who I told you earlier in this piece crossed a particular boundary for the last time? There is a particular consequence that I have upheld for years now, ever since they did it. Because for years, I had been telling them to stop dismissing my boundary, and they didn’t care — and since they didn’t respect my needs on their own, a consequence had to be enforced. I’m at complete and total peace with it because the consequence is what finally got me what they refused to grant, just by my requesting it. The consequence is what reminds them, daily, that if you won’t grant the respect that I deserve on the merit of being an adult on your own, I will require it with particular outcomes.
Y’all, another article for another time is just how much I have been okay (more than okay) with living by the motto, “Sometimes you have to be someone’s consequence so that they will learn hard lessons so that they will stop wrecking other people’s lives.” Because the irony here is some of the main people who are out here “demanding their respect” are the very ones who are also out here being totally disrespectful to others.
And that’s because they think that respect is a one-way street when it absolutely is not. Never has been. Never will be.
_____
Is trying to get respect from parents who aren’t used to respecting you easy? I ain’t got no lies for you, it absolutely is not. For years, they had a lot of say about what happens in your life, so it takes “both sides of the fence” to get reprogrammed in this department.
At the same time, what I will also say is if they always respected you, even as a child, the shift will be far less challenging. Meanwhile, if they never really did…well, all the more reason why you should start requiring it now. ASAP.
You know, I once read a quote by an author by the name of Michael Bassey Johnson. He said, “If you truly want to be respected by people you love, you must prove to them that you can survive without them.” Whew. Requiring respect sometimes comes at a high price when you’re dealing with people who would rather control you than respect you. Yet never fall for the myth that you are “out of bounds” for expecting respect from ALL people in your life. Your parents included. And don’t feel bad about doing what needs to be done to get that respect, even if the consequences have to be extreme for folks to learn. Your parents included.
It truly can’t be said enough — respect is a basic right. Require it.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Carlos Barquero/Getty Images
RELATED
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
Now, if you’re already thinking that I must be buggin’ to even question that, let me first state that sex and foreplay are not the exact same thing. By definition, foreplay is what transpires prior to actual intercourse — the prelude, if you will. As far as how long that should be, quite a bit of research says that 20 minutes is what most women prefer (you can read about that here, here, and here). Okay, but after the warm-up session, is it more satisfying for things to take a shorter (fast) or longer (slow) amount of time? And yeah, what about all of the thrusting? What does science say the speed of that should be as well?
I think it goes without saying that when it comes to sexual satisfaction, “to each his or her own” should be the mindset and motto (check out “I’ve Got 7 'Sex Mantras' That Will Seriously Improve Your Sex Life” while you’re at it).
Still, if you’re curious about what research and data say about fast vs. slow sex, I’ve got a bit of intel that just might surprise you.
This Is What Science Says “Fast Sex” Is
hurry GIFGiphyFast: moving or able to move, operate, function, or take effect quickly; moving or able to move, operate, function, or take effect quickly; done in comparatively little time; taking a comparatively short time: fast work
Okay, so question: When it comes to sex, when you think of it going fast, what’s the movement that immediately comes to your mind? If it’s thrusting, that tracks because, after all, how would penetrative copulation be able to transpire without it? Well, when it comes to thrusting — and more specifically, the pace/speed of it — guess who prefers it to be faster?
If you thought men…you actually thought wrong, chile.
According to a popular survey that was published several years back, although a little over half of both male and female participants stated that they would like “an even split” between fast and slow-paced sex, almost 32 percent of women said that they prefer faster thrusting while a mere 20 percent of men agreed (interesting, right?). It should also go on record that (surprise, surprise) the over-35 crowd is who preferred slower sex the most along with those who actually had a deeper emotional connection with their partner (also, not shocking — more on that in a bit).
And while women preferring faster sex may seem odd on the surface, I venture to say not so much if you factor in how many absolutely enjoy vibrators these days — and honey, it’s A LOT of y’all because it would appear that at least 82 percent of women own at least one sex toy. And since masturbation to the point of orgasming apparently takes under five minutes (it would also appear that most women prefer to do this around 9 p.m., by the way) and, reportedly, sex toys can help you to climax faster and longer — it’s no wonder that those devices are all the rage these days.
And you know what? All of this is playing out to look like if an “efficient orgasm” truly is the (ultimate) goal, taking a short amount of time doesn’t bother (many) women in the least; in fact, most women prefer it. And that alone is why it shouldn’t be surprising that many women would prefer faster sex because — have you seen how quickly those damn rabbits move? Basically, so long as some actual sexual stimulation is transpiring, the faster, the better.
Ah — so perhaps what also needs to be factored in is women who can orgasm from penetration alone (which continues to not be a ton — check out “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”) are probably fonder of faster sex. Why? Well, the more that their G-spot is directly stimulated, the easier it is for them to “see the mountaintop” — and so, if their partner took his time long enough for them to be “ready to receive him” (check out “Here's How To Increase Vaginal Lubrication. Naturally.”), the thrusting — even the fast thrusting — will be pleasurable instead of uncomfortable. Yep, it makes all of the sense in the world.
Then there’s the timeframe of sex. To tell you the truth, “fast” wins out in that department as well because the average time for the most desirable type of intercourse? It’s been widely reported that it’s somewhere between 7-13 minutes. A GQ writer collected X (formerly known as Twitter) data from almost 2,400 people about five years ago and 61 percent of them said that they like penetration to last between 5-10 minutes (only 26 percent wanted it to go over 11 minutes).
Hmm…so while throwback R&B singer Lilo croons about wanting to make love all night long (if you know, you know), it looks like more women are actually on some Miguel “Quickie” (well…kind of…LOL).
So, where does slow sex fit into all of this? Yes, let’s touch on that.
This Is What Science Says “Slow Sex” Is
sexy make love GIF by SatisfactionGiphySlow: moving or proceeding with little or less than usual speed or velocity; characterized by lack of speed; taking or requiring a comparatively long time for completion
Now, I already shared that one study stated that people over 35 and those with a deeper emotional connection reportedly enjoy slower sex more than anyone else. From strictly a health angle, a part of that may be because, with age, comes things like delayed ejaculation for men and, for women, the shift/drop in sex hormones (during the later stage of perimenopause, in menopause and post-menopause) can make it more difficult to orgasm (or experience the same type of intensity of one).
Aside from that, though, pretty much every article that I read on the benefits of slow sex had more to do with the mental and emotional side of the sex than the physical benefits. For instance, slower sex makes (more) room for eye contact, being able to enjoy more intimate time with your partner, and you to get more creative (or romantic — check out “Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner”). Then there’s the relevant point that slower sex encourages you to be more mindful (meaning, “in the moment” — check out “How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?”).
Also, many experts believe that slower sex is what can help to close the orgasm gap because it encourages men to slow down (since they can orgasm way quicker and easier than most women) and “wait” for their partner to “get on the same page,” climax-wise, as them.
Now, I will say that I found some data that stated that many people don’t prefer intercourse to go over 30 minutes because then it can start to feel a bit uncomfortable (for both the man and the woman), so that’s a point off for slower sex, for sure.
So, this reads to be that slow sex is great sex on a connection tip, not automatically or necessarily a peak-of-physical-pleasure one…because, again, we’re not talking about foreplay (or afterplay, for that matter); we’re talking strictly intercourse here.
Okay, So Which One Is Better?
GiphyAight, so now that you have all of this science-backed information to ponder over, what are your thoughts? Did you go into this assuming that surely slower sex is best — yet now you see that some pretty solid points about faster sex have been made? Maybe you never looked at fast sex this way because you never “separated” foreplay from actual sex — now that you do, perhaps fast sex doesn’t warrant the eye rolls that you used to give it. Or maybe you’re someone who isn’t wired to enjoy sex unless it’s slower because a deep emotional connection must be present for you to enjoy sex at all.
To me, when I think of “better,” I think of something being more satisfying, and, strictly, from a scientific standpoint, it does look like more foreplay first and faster sex second is the winning combination.
That said, though, I honestly believe that the greater focus needs to be that paces are “in sync” because, if your partner is fast and you are slower (or vice versa), that probably makes for the most “womp-womp-womp” sexual experience of all.
I also believe that if you got no other takeaway from all of this — DO BOTH. Don’t turn your nose up at fast sex (including quickies) and make time to connect with your partner…because even if you don’t always cum from slower sex, the emotions that are shared can still make it a truly wonderful experience.
Finally, share this with your partner. See what he has to say. It might be time for him to separate foreplay and sex, for a more satisfying experience for all parties involved (just sayin’).
At the end of the day, again, doowutchyalike (the real ones know) — just don’t knock what science says about it all…because what you may have turned your nose at, with a bit of tweaking, it could quickly because your all-time fave. No pun intended. #wink
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy