

The place where I typically go to see movies is inside of a mall. Well, as I was walking towards the theater on opening weekend ofThe Photograph, I saw something that immediately brought tears to my eyes. First, I noticed a Black man with some long beautiful locs that were pinned up. He had on a coat like my New Yorker great-grandfather used to wear, so that already brought a smile to my face. But as I passed by him, about 15 or so feet away, I then noticed a little girl who was around 4. She was absolutely adorable but what especially caught my attention was how she first jumped up and down in one place, then she clapped her hands and laughed, then she ran as fast as she could. When I turned around to see where she was going, guess where it was? To the arms of the man with the beautiful locs. A few feet behind her was a pretty Black woman with a grin on her face. When I asked if the man was her husband, she proudly nodded. I looked her dead in the eye and said, "That is so dope." She smiled, said, "Thank you", as I replied, this time with more intention, "No. It really is." She smiled even bigger.
When I turned back around towards the little girl who was still safely in the arms of her father—who is married to her mother—he was kissing her all over her face, she was giggling, and they were laughing together. Oh. Even as I am typing this, tears are welling up. Every time I've told the story since, it has emotionally resonated with the listener. I'm not sure if it's due to how sacred and special Black love is, because those of us who really "get it" know that that little girl is off to a great start when it comes to having healthy relationships with Black men…or because how so many of us wish that moment in time could've been a part of our own childhood experience. Not just one part of what I shared either; all of it. Maybe it's a little bit of everything I just said, wrapped up into one.
A few days later, as I watched episode three ofCherish the Day, and it unpacked how both love interests had so much dysfunction to deal with when it came to their parents, in many ways because their parents acted like children, I reflected on how so many of us can relate to what it's like to have to deal with the PTSD that comes directly from feeling like we were more mature and self-aware than our own parents were while growing up. And so, I thought it might be helpful to offer some tips on how to heal if you felt like you had to "raise your parents" as a child. I pray that it will.
Does It Feel Like You Had to Raise Your Parents As a Child? Here's How to Get Through It.
Be Clear About What You Were Deserving Of
I've got a male friend who, on so many levels, is pretty damn awesome. But when it comes to matters of the heart, he absolutely sucks. On the surface, people would probably chalk it up to him being a selfish commitment-phobe, but I know more of the backstory. Even though he is pretty much a middle child, he is honored as the patriarch. His father is the epitome of being a rolling stone. His mother has some deficiencies that has caused her to be way too dependent on my friend, all throughout his life. His siblings basically treat him like an ATM guru. As a result, he doesn't really see having a family of his own as being a blessing; it's more like a burden. And so, he keeps a wall up to prevent having one from ever manifesting. What's really sad is when I try and tell him that he deserves more than what he is settling for, he doesn't truly get where I am coming from; that's because he didn't grow up understanding what parents are supposed to do—and not do. Not fully, anyway.
If reading all of that just triggered you in some way and you're looking at your monitor or cell phone screen like, "I'm not sure I know either", allow me to provide a brief rundown.
Children deserve:
- To feel safe and protected
- To have their needs provided for
- To have their feelings validated
- To not be violated, in any way
- To receive unconditional love and support
- To be respected as individuals and human beings
- To not be abused, in any way
- To not have to compensate for where their parents are lacking
- To know, and hopefully have a relationship with, BOTH of their parents
- To be raised in an environment where they can thrive, comfortably, in the stages of their development
Hmph. I don't know if it's a "good" or "bad" thing that I didn't have to look any of that up. It flowed naturally because, some of this, I didn't have myself. Lacking these types of things forces children to, not only grow up faster than they should, but to a certain extent, have a warped perception of reality. Why? Because, while in some areas, they are probably wise—or at least knowledgeable—beyond their years, as a direct result of not receiving these things, they are emotionally stunted as well. If they don't get a hold of this reality as adults and do some of the following steps, it can create a vicious cycle of attracting someone similar to them and then doing to their own children what was done to them—even if every fiber of their being swears that they won't. That's why it's so important to pinpoint where you didn't get what you needed from your parents and then do the next step.
Tend to Your “Inner Child”
You can read articles like "Childhood abuse may stunt growth of part of brain involved in emotions", "Sexual and Emotional Abuse Scar the Brain in Specific Ways", "'You grow up hating yourself': why child abuse survivors keep – and break – their silence" and see, just how damaging child abuse is.
But here's the thing—even if your parents didn't physically or sexually abuse you, if you had to nurture them more than they ever nurtured you, that is also a form of abuse. And, if you don't acknowledge that within yourself, there can continue to be areas where you are not as developed as you should be, even now. Why? Because, while you were growing up, you were so busy trying to "take care of your parents"—whether that was emotionally, relationally, financially or otherwise—that you weren't able to fully evolve into a whole being.
I can totally relate. Aside from the abuse that I experienced (not every day but consistently, if that makes sense), I was constantly my parents' on-call therapist. Always listening to their problems and, quite frankly, hearing about stuff that was absolutely none of my business. That puts a weight and burden on children like no other. In hindsight, I think I was able to handle it because I was born to counsel. Still, that doesn't mean I was supposed to do it for grown ass people when I was still a little person. Tending to whatever their "emotional emergencies" were caused my own needs to get neglected and invalidated—a lot. And so, I've had to spend quite a bit of time learning how to tend to the areas of me that were neglected. In fact, something that my season of abstinence has taught me is some of my destructive relationships were all about looking for men to "tend to my inner child" since my parents didn't do the best job at it.
The little girl still needed to be tended to, even as an adult.
That's why I think it's important to remember that, where you feel ignored, dismissed or lacking—don't ignore those spaces. Listen to her. Tend to her. Love on her. Those areas don't exist for no reason. Know what else? They won't go away simply because you want them to.
Do a Little Family History Investigating
Something that has been both painful and intriguing to watch is this season of Growing Up Hip Hop. What has kept me tuning in is actually tied into this article title—"Damon Dash Storms Out After Heated Therapy Session with His Kids Goes Off the Rails (Exclusive Video)". We all know that reality television is, well, reality television, but I personally believe the wounds and pain between Damon Dash and his kids runs deep. Very deep. When I put my life coach hat on, I think that Damon is still so pained from the rejection and disrespect that he felt during his Roc-A-Fella Records days that his perception of respect is extremely skewed. He pops off. He doesn't listen. He disrespects in the process of trying to get respect; even his own children. But you know what? A lot of parents are like that. And it oftentimes has little to do with their kids; they are simply their sounding board—or punching bag.
For years, I used to wonder why my parents said and did some of the things that they did. But when I climbed up the family tree a bit and also did some relative interviewing, have mercy, did some things make sense. It's hard to be a functional parent when your own parents, grandparents, etc. were dysfunctional. Knowing some things about your family history won't justify your childhood, but it can help to explain some things. It can give you insight that may grant your own parents a little mercy while also helping you to be clear on what to do, and not do, in your own life—and with your own kids.
Confront Your “Demons”
Suffering in silence. Is that not what a lot of us, especially within the Black community, have been taught to do? Yeah, don't do that. Pain isn't meant to be suppressed.
That's why, whenever I read a news story with a (in this case, I'm being hypothetical) headline like, "A man kills a woman for cutting him off in traffic" or "A woman kills her child for eating too much cereal", I tend to be like, "Yeah, that's clickbait." It has nothing to do with traffic or food; it's about years of pain that has gone unaddressed that has finally hit the surface.
Sometimes, after sharing some of what I've been through, folks will be like, "It's a miracle that you're sane." Indeed, it is. But a part of the "miracle" is that I call the ish out. I talk and write about it. I've confronted the ones who've wronged me so that, again, my "inner girl" knows that she was not overlooked.
Listen, I'm not saying to call your mom after reading this and cuss her out. All I'm saying is if, when you think about your mom (or dad), there is some resentment, a conversation should probably be had at some point. If you don't address what you're feeling or thinking, there is a huge possibility that you're going to take it out on someone—or many people—who have done absolutely nothing to you. And that is not right. Or fair. Confrontation is like an exorcism for childhood demons. It's a way to keep them from ever haunting you. So is this next step.
Seek Therapy
There is a Scripture in the Bible that says, "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise." (Proverbs 12:15—NKJV) When I watched Joe Budden and Big Sean's Pull Up interview and they touched on the importance of therapy, it was evident that they both have gotten some. While I am fully aware that there continues to be a stigma when it comes to the importance of therapy, it's imperative to remember that the word not only means "the treatment of disease or disorders, as by some remedial, rehabilitating, or curative process", it also means "a curative power or quality". Y'all, therapy is powerful.
Case in point. I used to be a house poet at a venue here in Nashville. When I read the article, "Why the Black Community Has a Fraught Relationship with Therapy", I recognized someone who was also a house poet there. Her name is Monica A. Coleman. Back then, we were in our 20s (which automatically comes with various emotional roller coaster rides), yet while Monica was always brilliant and kind, there were oddities about her that didn't make sense (to me). I read the article and realized that she battled with depression. She even wrote a book entitled Bipolar Faith. Therapy is a part of what helped her get to a place of clarity, hope and healing.
No one is weak for going to therapy. Reputable therapists, counselors and life coaches can provide tips, tools, advice and insight from an "outside looking in" perspective that you might not reach any other way. If you know that you keep hitting mental, emotional and relational roadblocks that are directly tied to your childhood, seek help.
Remember, therapy is a CURATIVE POWER. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed or fearful of when it comes to doing something that is designed to empower you.
Forgive
Whew. I say it often because it's the truth. I am still working on what forgiveness is all about. It's the late writer Oscar Wilde who once said, "Children begin by loving their parents; after a time, they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them." Hmph. There is some truth to that, I must admit. But I think a big part of why that is the case is when you forgive but you keep having to forgive for the same offense, it starts to make you hate forgiveness as much as you hate what you are forgiving someone for. It's like it sends the message that forgiving the "offender" is giving them permission to offend you again (make sense?). And so, we figure that if we don't forgive, we won't be hurt or harmed (because those two words are not exactly the same thing) anymore.
From a spiritual standpoint, that's dangerous because the Bible tells us that, in order to be forgiven by God, we must forgive others (because a lot of us forget that we "offend him on the regular" too—Matthew 6:14-15). Yet, deeper than that, I think it's important to understand that forgiving someone is not about surrendering to their abuse, offenses or dysfunction. Forgiving them is about releasing them from what they have done and not damaging yourself by harboring ill-will about it. Reconciliation, however, is another matter entirely.
As a child, when you had to act as the parent, you had no choice but to keep taking…and taking…and taking whatever dysfunction that came your way. Now, when your mom says, "I'm sorry you had to listen to all of my drama" or your dad says, "I'm sorry that you were left to figure out things that I should've handled for you" and you respond with, "I forgive you"—what you are essentially saying is, "For both of our sakes, I'm not going to hold that in. But what I am going to do, that I couldn't do at the time, is set some boundaries." As you should.
Set Firm Boundaries
An article that I wrote for the site last year that was like a shot heard around the world is "Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members". Boundaries are limits and any parent who acted more like the child than the adult while they were supposed to be actually raising their kids mostly definitely needs limits. Limits simply convey that you can't do whatever, whenever—just because you think that you can. Or should. A good parent knows that being older than their adult child doesn't give them the right to control or be overbearing. Toxic parents on the other hand? They totally don't get this point. Hence, the need for boundaries with them…right? It's kind of like what a wise person once said—"If someone throws a fit because you set boundaries, it's just more evidence the boundary is needed."
That Cherish the Day episode that I talked about earlier? There was a scene where Gently's (the female lead) mom called and told her to give her money for a bus ticket. How twisted is it that Gently's mother thinks she is "grown enough" to tell her daughter to pay for her travel but she's not grown enough to pay for the ticket herself? A healthy parent would ask for help, not demand it. And get this—if Gently said "no", she would be well within her rights. She's an adult now. Adults can say "no". To any other adult. Again, healthy people know that. It's toxic ones who don't.
Break the Cycle
Aside from the fact that all of these steps can be liberating for you, it can also spare your own family (or future family) a repeat of your upbringing. After all, it's hard for any adult who is still an emotional child due to their own trauma to "train a child up in the way they should go" (Proverbs 22:6). How can they, when they don't know how? When they say, "hurt people, hurt people", it rings so true when it comes to generational curses. Heal yourself, not just for you—but for the ones who will come after you.
If you feel like you had to raise your parents and no one acknowledged that fact, I do. I am so sorry that had to happen to you. Trust me, there is a way to go from merely being a survivor to thriving. Take the time needed to heal. So that your little girl can grow up in every area that she deserved to. That you deserve to.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
The Relationships In Your Life That Are Desperately In Need Of Boundaries
What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?
We've Said A Word About Toxic Fathers, But Who's Talking About Toxic Mothers?
Healing Toxic Relationships: Tiffany Haddish Says Forgiving Her Mom Gave Her The Closure She Needed
Feature image by Shutterstock
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
St. Lucia is the kind of place that you put on your honeymoon vision board. The tiny island has a big reputation for catering to couples' getaways, in part, because of the scenic vistas provided by the Piton peaks and the golden beaches made for candlelight dinners.
But even though St. Lucia makes a perfect couples' escape, I found out it’s also a great place for solo travelers to explore.
Where to Stay in St. Lucia
Photo by Windjammer Landing
There are lots of different types of accommodations for travelers to choose from, and many of the top hotels and resorts in St. Lucia are located near Marigot or Rodney Bay, which are about an hour and a half from the international airport.
I stayed at the Windjammer Landing Villa Beach Resort and there were a few things that stood out to me that made this an ideal resort for my trip. First, the resort has unique Mediterranean-style villas, and the gleaming white stucco walls, blue doors, and bright bougainvillea felt like being in a traditional Greek village. On morning walks, I would climb the hilly terrain and start the morning looking over the bay.
Solo-tripping at a resort is also great for making friends. I ate alone a few times, but I also met other travelers who I shared meals with throughout my stay. Though resort food can sometimes be hit or miss, the food at the Windjammer was top-notch (and diverse). The resort has five restaurants, and I ate seafood dishes like snapper and coconut shrimp at Upper Deck and tandoori chicken and samosas from the newly introduced ‘Masala at Embers.’
The resort is spread out over 65 acres, which meant that even though I visited during high season in February, the property never felt crowded. I spent a lot of time decompressing by sitting near the beach and journaling, but there were lots of activities at the resort to keep me occupied. I enjoyed a relaxing massage at the Serene Wellness & Spa and a morning yoga session, and along with the plunge pool in my villa, the resort had six pools and offered watersports like snorkeling and kayaking.
What to Eat in St. Lucia
Photo courtesy of Mariette Williams
St. Lucia’s local fare, like many other Caribbean islands, includes fried seafood like snapper and conch, peas and rice, and plantains. One way to get a taste of the local cuisine is to head to Gros Islet for the Friday Night Party. The 50-year tradition starts at sunset and locals bring their grills, set up tabletop bars, and eat and dance late into the night. St. Lucia also has some of the freshest fruit, and during my stay, I feasted on starfruit, golden apples, papaya drizzled in lime, and savory bananas.
Another St. Lucia “must-have” is Piton beer, a light, refreshing beer with a hint of floral taste - perfect after a day spent in the sun. And if you’re a rum drinker, St. Lucia has a litany of great rums - most notably Chairman’s Reserve, Bounty, and Admiral Rodney. I had a rum tasting at the resort, which was paired with St. Lucia’s delicious chocolate, and if you’re at a bar - make sure you order a rum punch - a signature drink in the Caribbean.
Things to Do in St. Lucia
Photo courtesy of Mariette Williams
Though it would have been easy to spend the entire stay at the resort, I spent some time exploring the neighboring areas. One of the highlights was booking a boat trip to see the Pitons. Though I had seen photos of the twin peaks, the majestic volcanoes are much more impressive in person, towering over 2,000 feet in the air. Our boat captain, Delbert, stopped the boat as we marveled at one of the Caribbean's most beautiful landmarks.
Another St. Lucian highlight is the sulfur springs in Soufriere where I slathered myself in thick grayish mud and soaked in the muddy, warm springs. After my al fresco sulphuric spa treatment, our driver took us to a nearby Sulfur Springs waterfall, and it was the first time I stood under a hot waterfall. On the way back to the resort, we stopped by some shallow waters to snorkel, and as the sun started its afternoon descent, I could see why people fell in love with St. Lucia.
Truthfully, nearly any country can make a good solo trip, but St. Lucia’s peaceful setting and access to attractions make it an ideal option for beginner solo travelers. It’s relatively convenient to get to as well - located just three hours from Miami, it’s ideal for a long weekend or week-long trip to recharge. Though I left so much to explore, St. Lucia is a place where you can fill your days with exciting activities or do nothing at all, and you’ll still have an unforgettable time.
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Feature image courtesy of Mariette Williams
Originally published on February 28, 2023