

The place where I typically go to see movies is inside of a mall. Well, as I was walking towards the theater on opening weekend ofThe Photograph, I saw something that immediately brought tears to my eyes. First, I noticed a Black man with some long beautiful locs that were pinned up. He had on a coat like my New Yorker great-grandfather used to wear, so that already brought a smile to my face. But as I passed by him, about 15 or so feet away, I then noticed a little girl who was around 4. She was absolutely adorable but what especially caught my attention was how she first jumped up and down in one place, then she clapped her hands and laughed, then she ran as fast as she could. When I turned around to see where she was going, guess where it was? To the arms of the man with the beautiful locs. A few feet behind her was a pretty Black woman with a grin on her face. When I asked if the man was her husband, she proudly nodded. I looked her dead in the eye and said, "That is so dope." She smiled, said, "Thank you", as I replied, this time with more intention, "No. It really is." She smiled even bigger.
When I turned back around towards the little girl who was still safely in the arms of her father—who is married to her mother—he was kissing her all over her face, she was giggling, and they were laughing together. Oh. Even as I am typing this, tears are welling up. Every time I've told the story since, it has emotionally resonated with the listener. I'm not sure if it's due to how sacred and special Black love is, because those of us who really "get it" know that that little girl is off to a great start when it comes to having healthy relationships with Black men…or because how so many of us wish that moment in time could've been a part of our own childhood experience. Not just one part of what I shared either; all of it. Maybe it's a little bit of everything I just said, wrapped up into one.
A few days later, as I watched episode three ofCherish the Day, and it unpacked how both love interests had so much dysfunction to deal with when it came to their parents, in many ways because their parents acted like children, I reflected on how so many of us can relate to what it's like to have to deal with the PTSD that comes directly from feeling like we were more mature and self-aware than our own parents were while growing up. And so, I thought it might be helpful to offer some tips on how to heal if you felt like you had to "raise your parents" as a child. I pray that it will.
Does It Feel Like You Had to Raise Your Parents As a Child? Here's How to Get Through It.
Be Clear About What You Were Deserving Of
I've got a male friend who, on so many levels, is pretty damn awesome. But when it comes to matters of the heart, he absolutely sucks. On the surface, people would probably chalk it up to him being a selfish commitment-phobe, but I know more of the backstory. Even though he is pretty much a middle child, he is honored as the patriarch. His father is the epitome of being a rolling stone. His mother has some deficiencies that has caused her to be way too dependent on my friend, all throughout his life. His siblings basically treat him like an ATM guru. As a result, he doesn't really see having a family of his own as being a blessing; it's more like a burden. And so, he keeps a wall up to prevent having one from ever manifesting. What's really sad is when I try and tell him that he deserves more than what he is settling for, he doesn't truly get where I am coming from; that's because he didn't grow up understanding what parents are supposed to do—and not do. Not fully, anyway.
If reading all of that just triggered you in some way and you're looking at your monitor or cell phone screen like, "I'm not sure I know either", allow me to provide a brief rundown.
Children deserve:
- To feel safe and protected
- To have their needs provided for
- To have their feelings validated
- To not be violated, in any way
- To receive unconditional love and support
- To be respected as individuals and human beings
- To not be abused, in any way
- To not have to compensate for where their parents are lacking
- To know, and hopefully have a relationship with, BOTH of their parents
- To be raised in an environment where they can thrive, comfortably, in the stages of their development
Hmph. I don't know if it's a "good" or "bad" thing that I didn't have to look any of that up. It flowed naturally because, some of this, I didn't have myself. Lacking these types of things forces children to, not only grow up faster than they should, but to a certain extent, have a warped perception of reality. Why? Because, while in some areas, they are probably wise—or at least knowledgeable—beyond their years, as a direct result of not receiving these things, they are emotionally stunted as well. If they don't get a hold of this reality as adults and do some of the following steps, it can create a vicious cycle of attracting someone similar to them and then doing to their own children what was done to them—even if every fiber of their being swears that they won't. That's why it's so important to pinpoint where you didn't get what you needed from your parents and then do the next step.
Tend to Your “Inner Child”
You can read articles like "Childhood abuse may stunt growth of part of brain involved in emotions", "Sexual and Emotional Abuse Scar the Brain in Specific Ways", "'You grow up hating yourself': why child abuse survivors keep – and break – their silence" and see, just how damaging child abuse is.
But here's the thing—even if your parents didn't physically or sexually abuse you, if you had to nurture them more than they ever nurtured you, that is also a form of abuse. And, if you don't acknowledge that within yourself, there can continue to be areas where you are not as developed as you should be, even now. Why? Because, while you were growing up, you were so busy trying to "take care of your parents"—whether that was emotionally, relationally, financially or otherwise—that you weren't able to fully evolve into a whole being.
I can totally relate. Aside from the abuse that I experienced (not every day but consistently, if that makes sense), I was constantly my parents' on-call therapist. Always listening to their problems and, quite frankly, hearing about stuff that was absolutely none of my business. That puts a weight and burden on children like no other. In hindsight, I think I was able to handle it because I was born to counsel. Still, that doesn't mean I was supposed to do it for grown ass people when I was still a little person. Tending to whatever their "emotional emergencies" were caused my own needs to get neglected and invalidated—a lot. And so, I've had to spend quite a bit of time learning how to tend to the areas of me that were neglected. In fact, something that my season of abstinence has taught me is some of my destructive relationships were all about looking for men to "tend to my inner child" since my parents didn't do the best job at it.
The little girl still needed to be tended to, even as an adult.
That's why I think it's important to remember that, where you feel ignored, dismissed or lacking—don't ignore those spaces. Listen to her. Tend to her. Love on her. Those areas don't exist for no reason. Know what else? They won't go away simply because you want them to.
Do a Little Family History Investigating
Something that has been both painful and intriguing to watch is this season of Growing Up Hip Hop. What has kept me tuning in is actually tied into this article title—"Damon Dash Storms Out After Heated Therapy Session with His Kids Goes Off the Rails (Exclusive Video)". We all know that reality television is, well, reality television, but I personally believe the wounds and pain between Damon Dash and his kids runs deep. Very deep. When I put my life coach hat on, I think that Damon is still so pained from the rejection and disrespect that he felt during his Roc-A-Fella Records days that his perception of respect is extremely skewed. He pops off. He doesn't listen. He disrespects in the process of trying to get respect; even his own children. But you know what? A lot of parents are like that. And it oftentimes has little to do with their kids; they are simply their sounding board—or punching bag.
For years, I used to wonder why my parents said and did some of the things that they did. But when I climbed up the family tree a bit and also did some relative interviewing, have mercy, did some things make sense. It's hard to be a functional parent when your own parents, grandparents, etc. were dysfunctional. Knowing some things about your family history won't justify your childhood, but it can help to explain some things. It can give you insight that may grant your own parents a little mercy while also helping you to be clear on what to do, and not do, in your own life—and with your own kids.
Confront Your “Demons”
Suffering in silence. Is that not what a lot of us, especially within the Black community, have been taught to do? Yeah, don't do that. Pain isn't meant to be suppressed.
That's why, whenever I read a news story with a (in this case, I'm being hypothetical) headline like, "A man kills a woman for cutting him off in traffic" or "A woman kills her child for eating too much cereal", I tend to be like, "Yeah, that's clickbait." It has nothing to do with traffic or food; it's about years of pain that has gone unaddressed that has finally hit the surface.
Sometimes, after sharing some of what I've been through, folks will be like, "It's a miracle that you're sane." Indeed, it is. But a part of the "miracle" is that I call the ish out. I talk and write about it. I've confronted the ones who've wronged me so that, again, my "inner girl" knows that she was not overlooked.
Listen, I'm not saying to call your mom after reading this and cuss her out. All I'm saying is if, when you think about your mom (or dad), there is some resentment, a conversation should probably be had at some point. If you don't address what you're feeling or thinking, there is a huge possibility that you're going to take it out on someone—or many people—who have done absolutely nothing to you. And that is not right. Or fair. Confrontation is like an exorcism for childhood demons. It's a way to keep them from ever haunting you. So is this next step.
Seek Therapy
There is a Scripture in the Bible that says, "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise." (Proverbs 12:15—NKJV) When I watched Joe Budden and Big Sean's Pull Up interview and they touched on the importance of therapy, it was evident that they both have gotten some. While I am fully aware that there continues to be a stigma when it comes to the importance of therapy, it's imperative to remember that the word not only means "the treatment of disease or disorders, as by some remedial, rehabilitating, or curative process", it also means "a curative power or quality". Y'all, therapy is powerful.
Case in point. I used to be a house poet at a venue here in Nashville. When I read the article, "Why the Black Community Has a Fraught Relationship with Therapy", I recognized someone who was also a house poet there. Her name is Monica A. Coleman. Back then, we were in our 20s (which automatically comes with various emotional roller coaster rides), yet while Monica was always brilliant and kind, there were oddities about her that didn't make sense (to me). I read the article and realized that she battled with depression. She even wrote a book entitled Bipolar Faith. Therapy is a part of what helped her get to a place of clarity, hope and healing.
No one is weak for going to therapy. Reputable therapists, counselors and life coaches can provide tips, tools, advice and insight from an "outside looking in" perspective that you might not reach any other way. If you know that you keep hitting mental, emotional and relational roadblocks that are directly tied to your childhood, seek help.
Remember, therapy is a CURATIVE POWER. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed or fearful of when it comes to doing something that is designed to empower you.
Forgive
Whew. I say it often because it's the truth. I am still working on what forgiveness is all about. It's the late writer Oscar Wilde who once said, "Children begin by loving their parents; after a time, they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them." Hmph. There is some truth to that, I must admit. But I think a big part of why that is the case is when you forgive but you keep having to forgive for the same offense, it starts to make you hate forgiveness as much as you hate what you are forgiving someone for. It's like it sends the message that forgiving the "offender" is giving them permission to offend you again (make sense?). And so, we figure that if we don't forgive, we won't be hurt or harmed (because those two words are not exactly the same thing) anymore.
From a spiritual standpoint, that's dangerous because the Bible tells us that, in order to be forgiven by God, we must forgive others (because a lot of us forget that we "offend him on the regular" too—Matthew 6:14-15). Yet, deeper than that, I think it's important to understand that forgiving someone is not about surrendering to their abuse, offenses or dysfunction. Forgiving them is about releasing them from what they have done and not damaging yourself by harboring ill-will about it. Reconciliation, however, is another matter entirely.
As a child, when you had to act as the parent, you had no choice but to keep taking…and taking…and taking whatever dysfunction that came your way. Now, when your mom says, "I'm sorry you had to listen to all of my drama" or your dad says, "I'm sorry that you were left to figure out things that I should've handled for you" and you respond with, "I forgive you"—what you are essentially saying is, "For both of our sakes, I'm not going to hold that in. But what I am going to do, that I couldn't do at the time, is set some boundaries." As you should.
Set Firm Boundaries
An article that I wrote for the site last year that was like a shot heard around the world is "Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members". Boundaries are limits and any parent who acted more like the child than the adult while they were supposed to be actually raising their kids mostly definitely needs limits. Limits simply convey that you can't do whatever, whenever—just because you think that you can. Or should. A good parent knows that being older than their adult child doesn't give them the right to control or be overbearing. Toxic parents on the other hand? They totally don't get this point. Hence, the need for boundaries with them…right? It's kind of like what a wise person once said—"If someone throws a fit because you set boundaries, it's just more evidence the boundary is needed."
That Cherish the Day episode that I talked about earlier? There was a scene where Gently's (the female lead) mom called and told her to give her money for a bus ticket. How twisted is it that Gently's mother thinks she is "grown enough" to tell her daughter to pay for her travel but she's not grown enough to pay for the ticket herself? A healthy parent would ask for help, not demand it. And get this—if Gently said "no", she would be well within her rights. She's an adult now. Adults can say "no". To any other adult. Again, healthy people know that. It's toxic ones who don't.
Break the Cycle
Aside from the fact that all of these steps can be liberating for you, it can also spare your own family (or future family) a repeat of your upbringing. After all, it's hard for any adult who is still an emotional child due to their own trauma to "train a child up in the way they should go" (Proverbs 22:6). How can they, when they don't know how? When they say, "hurt people, hurt people", it rings so true when it comes to generational curses. Heal yourself, not just for you—but for the ones who will come after you.
If you feel like you had to raise your parents and no one acknowledged that fact, I do. I am so sorry that had to happen to you. Trust me, there is a way to go from merely being a survivor to thriving. Take the time needed to heal. So that your little girl can grow up in every area that she deserved to. That you deserve to.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
The Relationships In Your Life That Are Desperately In Need Of Boundaries
What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?
We've Said A Word About Toxic Fathers, But Who's Talking About Toxic Mothers?
Healing Toxic Relationships: Tiffany Haddish Says Forgiving Her Mom Gave Her The Closure She Needed
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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I’ve gotta say that, for the most part, my friends are pretty damn chill. There is one (major) exception, though — and it’s an odd one. Even after all these years and countless times of me giving them the same answer, if there is a time when they think they are my mama, it’s when they see an email come through at an odd hour of the night. Then, all of a sudden, here they come asking me when do I get sleep if I’m emailing at (say) three in the morning.
Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
If you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
There is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
Something that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
Even if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
I saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
____
Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
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