If the 22-year-old me were able to glance into my current life, she'd probably be shocked that the same old repetitive relationships weren't on cycle 20 of never-ending lost hope.
It's been just over two years since I decided to quit wasting my time on meaningless relationships and take a vow of celibacy until further notice. My definition of celibacy is not just limited to abstaining from sex physically, but mentally, too. I am a woman who can be stimulated in the mind as well. Just the way a man speaks to me can be a turn-on. But after doing some reflection, I realized I had spent the last few years allowing myself to let words persuade me past my better judgment to leave a bad relationship alone, and I wouldn't let that happen again. I needed a change, I was ready for a change. So I vowed to myself and the man above that I would not waste my time, effort, and affection on any more dead-end relationships.
Now at 24 years old, I feel confident in saying I've had my fair share of heartache in unrealistic relationships, or better I say "situationships," each one ending with me confused or feeling used and played. Through celibacy, I would get a better understanding of myself by establishing what I'm looking for in a man, and my needs, and also recognizing what I don't want.
I'll be honest, when I first began this was not the original plan, I wanted to just step away from that situation and move on to a new one, freely. The celibate part just kind of happened. After about three months of being fed up with what was presented to me, I realized I had had enough. I wanted to set a new standard for my love life, and celibacy would be the method for me.
Through my journey, I feel as if I've accomplished much more than just control over my love life. I have regained the self-awareness I once had, but lost somewhere along the way.
1. I Become in Control Over my Love Life Again
Initially, I was worried about where celibacy would leave me relationship-wise, but it actually made things clearer for me. I had spent so much time trying to work with someone else’s idea of what they wanted in a relationship that I basically lost my own. I had to sit down and physically write out some expectations and boundaries for what I wanted in a relationship. That was kind of hard at first, but moving forward it will be easier for me to express my needs before jumping into something long-term.
2. I Gained Clarity
Starting fresh was my way of wiping the slate clean and allowing myself the chance to build in a new headspace. The clarity came around the end of year one when old temptations appeared and I began to see what intentions were and how I previously allowed my feelings about an individual to blur my better judgment. Now I move a little differently; I can see where a situation is going and make the decision to leave it alone or stay.
3. I Strengthened My Relationship With God
I knew by making the vow to not only myself, but God, I would be testing myself. I thought I had a strong faith before, but I always second-guessed what I should have left in God’s hands. This time around I wholeheartedly put my faith in him, and my patience would come from that. I always turned to God when needed, but this time it was different. This time I turned to him for reassurance in myself that I can do it.
4. I Feel Light
Sometimes you don’t realize the weight you carry when dealing with toxic relationships. Deciding to start anew was a way to give myself the chance to be free to date who I wanted, but not rely on comfort to decide who that person was. I don’t feel like a bag lady anymore; I'm more aware of the baggage I carry around with me now.
5. I Became Focused
It's crazy to think about how I spent so much time and energy into chasing after the thrill of a relationship, I never realized how much your attention sways when you are worried about keeping up with someone else. After I gave myself some space for me, I began to become the planner I was before--making my lists and setting weekly goals. I was able to focus on personal goals that were subconsciously put on hold and achieved things that I hadn’t realized I placed on the back burner.
I won't lie and say that a lot of what I've built hasn't been a shield from what hurt me in the past, in a way it has. But I won’t allow myself to be that person again. Celibacy may not be for everyone, it may even sound crazy that someone can change so much from just abstaining from sex. But in a world where everything is #relationshipgoals, you can get caught up in the hype and lose yourself a bit.
I want to share my journey with women like me, and I'm proud to say that I am two years and five months celibate. I am dating on my terms and pursuing relationships the way that feels right to me. I think it's important for women, especially young women in the same position I was in, to hear from someone who is right there with them.
We're allowed to be a part of setting the pace in a relationship. We need that in order for us to truly understand our worth and needs, and so we can stop repeating cycles. As the saying goes, the definition of insanity is someone repeating the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Stop your insanity, and give yourself the chance to be self-aware and come full circle in your growth as a person.
Are you or have you been celibate? What did it do for your relationships?
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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The first time I did it, I was among a group of ladies and we were encouraged to write down our feelings in our journals. Afterwards, we huddled around and one by one burned our pages with some ladies even revealing what they wrote. It was a beautiful moment and a great way to support each other.
The second time I did burn journaling, I was by myself. I was reading Calling In The One and one of the practices involved writing down the things I wanted to let go of and burning it. I had Cleo Sol’s “Know That You Are Loved” playing in the background on repeat while I burned the pages in my apartment bathroom.
What Does Burn Journaling Do?
Based on my experience and others' explanations, burn journaling is a cathartic practice. The act of burning serves as an emotional release of past traumas, old thoughts, and negative feelings. It’s also a way to say goodbye and/ or forgive.
Types of Burn Journaling
There are different examples of burn journaling: Burning journals after writing, burning letters and burning lists.
Burn Journals
As stated before, you can write in a journal and burn it afterwards. It’s up to you if you burn it page by page or wait until you fill the journal up and burn it altogether. There are journals you can buy for the sole purpose of burning them afterwards.
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Burn Lists
This technique involves writing a list of things you want to let go of and then burning it. Burning the list symbolizes the release of those things.
Burn Letters
Another example are burn letters. For this technique, you write a letter to someone that you either want to forgive or let go of, but instead of sending it to them, you burn it.
Safety Precautions
If you do decide to try this practice, make sure to be safe. Use a fireproof bowl for burning and never leave it unattended. Alternatively, you can shred the pages.
If you’re in Atlanta and want to try burn journaling, meet me this Sunday for Burn Journaling & Walk.
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