Sometimes, you just know when someone is lying. It doesn't have anything to do with their character, level of integrity, past patterns, body language or anything like that. When it comes to certain topics, based on what comes out of a person's mouth, you automatically know they're not telling the truth.
I don't need a dime to be happy. Lies.
I don't care what anyone thinks (anyone on the planet?!). Lies.
Having an orgasm isn't a big deal to me. Lies you tell.
That last lie? There's a wife who is constantly trying to pull that one over on me. According to her, although she had a very active sex life as a single woman and she's been married for close to two decades now, there's only been one man to give her an orgasm—and that man isn't her husband.
"It's fine, Shellie," she has said to me trying to sound like it's no big deal (the hell you say!). "If you ever get married, you'll realize that you shouldn't always put such an emphasis on sex." (I'm sorry…was that a dig on my relational status?)
Yeeeah. She's not gonna sell me on that. Yes, sex can be good, with or without an orgasm, but I'm not gonna ever act like it's cool nor will I be complacent with being in a sexual relationship where mutual climaxing ain't happenin'. Neither should the wife I just referenced. And you know what? Neither should you (check out "What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex to Be" when you get a chance).
If you're sexually active and you've never had an orgasm before, don't feel bad; there are 10-15 percent of other women who haven't as well. In response to that, I've got a few points that you should consider. But if you're like the wife who has been to the mountaintop, just not that often, the following questions should (hopefully) get you to the root of the challenge (if it's about you) or problem (if it's due to where "he" is lackin').
Have You Ever Had an Orgasm Before?
GiphyIf you've never had an orgasm before, there are a few things to take note of. First, according to a lot of therapists, trouble climaxing is tied to these main issues—age (menopausal women sometimes struggle due to shifts in their hormones); political and religious beliefs (if you come from a very conservative upbringing and/or all you heard about sex was that you'll go to hell if you do it before marriage); whether you are in a fulfilling relationship or not (the safer you feel emotionally, the more likely you are to have an orgasm) and/or whether you are a survivor of sexual trauma or not all play a direct role.
On the physical tip, as far as vaginal orgasms go, the space in between your clitoris and your vaginal opening also plays a part. When the distance between the two are the space between your thumb and your thumb's knuckle, you are far more likely to experience orgasms via intercourse (although only about 30 percent of women can do that). You also need a partner who is going to provide vaginal, oral and genital stimulation. Not one. All three. (That might seem obvious but it's kind of shocking how many women don't receive this triple combo on a regular basis.)
So, if you have never experienced an orgasm before, these are all things that you should ponder before taking anything else into consideration.
Are You Talking About a Vaginal Orgasm Only?
70 percent of women profess to never having a vaginal orgasm from penile stimulation alone. Noted. But as far as climaxing is concerned, there is a whole world of other orgasms to explore. How many? Women can have 11 (at least)—clitoral, G-spot, blended, cervical, nipple and multiple are just a few of 'em.
So, when you say that you can't have an orgasm, I need you to be a little more specific. Do you mean that intercourse doesn't lead to one? Or, is it that, no matter what part of your body is stimulated, nothing seems to be going down? If it's more Column A than anything else, let yourself off the hook some. At least you're actually having some, right?
But if, to you, that is sooooo not the point, positions that could increase your chances of a vaginal orgasm include spooning, the Lotus position (which is basically having sex while sitting up and facing your partner) and reverse cowgirl should be able to help you out. Oh, investing in a sex pillow couldn't hurt either.
How Adventurous Has the Sex Been?
If you can't remember the last time that you had an orgasm, have you ever considered that you might just be…bored? The reason why I say that is because good sex requires a certain amount of spontaneity and creativity. I also say that due to a feature that was published in The Atlantic last February—"Women Get Bored with Sex in Long-Term Relationships". The gist of the article is it isn't so much that certain women aren't able to come so much as they aren't getting the kind of sex that they want. Since (most) men are able to orgasm in five minutes or less, they don't need as much outside-of-the-box thinking as women do. That said, what kind of sex turns you on? Does your partner know that? Has he been going above and beyond to make it happen?
There's another thing that needs to go on record concerning being bored. You could be bored because sex feels like a series of dull repetitious behaviors or you could feel bored because you think your partner is annoying and petty. Both are definitions of boredom. Just something (else) to think about.
Have You Been Getting Wet Enough?
When it comes to a woman having an orgasm, definitely wetter is better. Your diet, it being three days before or three days after your period, stress, breastfeeding (it can sometimes cause your estrogen levels to take a dive), not drinking enough water, certain medications, your body needing at least 20 minutes of foreplay in order to "warm up"—all of these things could be the reason why you're not lubed up enough.
What are the remedies for these things? You could always make your own lubricant (there's a cool recipe here). As far as your diet goes, eating foods with omega-3 fatty acids (like salmon, flaxseeds and seaweed); taking a B-complex and evening primrose oil supplement; cooking with extra-virgin olive oil more often; eating phytoestrogen-rich foods like big cherries, oats and wheat berries will also help. Oh, so does more foreplay including more oral sex since, well, saliva (and sexual stimulation) is involved.
What’s Your Diet Currently Like?
On the heels of mentioning the foods that will help to make you wetter, there are also foods that can increase your chances of having an orgasm altogether. Last January, I penned a list of aphrodisiacs. Two herbal teas that will increase your sex drive include maca and red clover (especially in post-menopausal women).
And then there's what you need to consume a lot less of. I'll give you one guess. Sugar. For starters, it makes you tired, increases stress and lowers testosterone levels in both men and women. And yes, even women need a certain amount of testosterone in their system in order to have a really good time.
How Have You Been Treating Yourself Lately?
Another reason why you may not be having orgasms (or as many as you would like) has nothing to do with sex, your partner or your diet. It has everything to do with you. Women who have off-the-charts sex are women who are open to doing it with the lights on and engaging in dirty talk (both giving and receiving). She will get out of the bed to try it in other locations and, she initiates from time to time too. Sometimes she's in fancy lingerie, sometimes boy shorts and a tank—sometimes, she greets her man butt naked. What all of these things point to is a woman who has a good amount of self-esteem.
There's scientific research to support that there is a direct link between a woman's level of self-esteem and a woman's level of sexual satisfaction. So, if you're looking for a man or sex to make you feel good amount yourself, that's gonna be counterproductive, both in and out of the bedroom. Start with feeling good about yourself…first.
Are Things Good with You and Your Partner?
Once you're in a good space with yourself, you can effectively move on to what's happening (or not happening) between you and your partner. Take simultaneous orgasms, for example. It's so much easier for a couple to pull this off if their mind, body and spirits are totally in sync.
I remember once hearing a pastor say during one of his sermons (good for him for bringing it up too!) that he and his wife have great sex, in part, because he gives her great foreplay before they hit the bedroom. He calls to tell her that he loves her. He brings roses home for "no reason". He cooks dinner and cleans up the kitchen afterwards. After all that, she's more than ready!
All of this reminds me ofThe Cosby Show episode when, while on a romantic getaway, Claire explained to Cliff what she needed in order to feel desirable. Cliff finally caught the memo when he first kissed Claire's hand, her arm, her ear and then he said, "You know something? I love you. Very, very much. It's a privilege to wake up in the morning and see your face. You are my life, and I mean that." Boy, it was on and poppin' in that hotel room after that!
The biggest sex organ is our brain. If your man isn't connecting with you mentally and emotionally, I wouldn't be surprised in the least if that's what's holding things up physically. Hmph. Make sure he gets that memo.
Could You Be Overthinking It?
Speaking of the brain, another thing that could be keeping you from climaxing is performance anxiety. No joke. There are a lot of men who aren't able to maintain erections and women who aren't able to truly and fully let go so that they can climax and it's all because their minds are racing 10 miles per minute. It could be due to thoughts like, "Will my partner think I'm good in bed?" or "What can I do to not make them think about someone else?"
Some of us are notorious for creating full dramas (or horror flicks) in our head, all because we choose to create problems that actually aren't there. If you can't seem to internally handle the issues that are hindering you from enjoying sex, share them with your partner or friend. If that doesn't relieve your stress, you might need to discuss what's troubling you with a reputable therapist. You might look up and realize that the stress and tension that's connected to your job, other relationships, lack of sleep, etc. could be the root cause of what's going on—not your feelings concerning your bedroom performance.
What Has Your Doctor Said?
Speaking of speaking with professionals, as much as I tried to touch on what you can do on your own, if your inability to orgasm has to do with medications or a drastic shift in your hormone levels, there's a pretty good chance that you're not gonna be able to change that without some additional assistance.
To a certain extent, that's good news, because if it is health-related, once you get a full medical work-up, your doctor should be able to diagnose the issue and get you and your body right to where it needs to be. So, if it's been more than a year since you've seen your physician, this is definitely something that you should put on your to-do list.
Are You Rushing the Process?
Good things take time. Orgasms are a really good thing! Between learning about yourself, your partner and figuring out what are turn ons and total turn offs, don't expect things to come together overnight. Also, don't expect sex to be exactly the same every single time.
You can go to Google and see that Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was our ability to have an orgasm (especially a vaginal one). But if you apply these tips, have an unselfish partner and you're patient with the process, you'll find that you're closer to having your mind blown that you think.
Author JD Salinger once said, "A woman's body is like a violin. All that it takes a terrific musician to play it right." I couldn't agree more. Tell your man that I said, from the very bottom of my heart, "Play on, playa…play on!"
Featured image by Getty Images
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
The Kamala Effect: Top Black Women In Politics To Watch Now, Into 2025
With a landmark Election Day coming up soon, everyone will be watching to see whether Vice President Kamala Harris makes history by becoming the first Black woman to become president of the United States. And as she has gathered monumental support from Black women around the world (including the more than 44,000 who raised millions in minutes shortly after she announced she’d be running), other Black women politicians also stand to make history in their respective elections, running to serve local and statewide communities.
Just as there have been barriers to Black women serving as CEOs of Fortune 500 companies (with only four having been appointed to those roles), there’s a massive glass ceiling for Black women in politics as well. Only 0.4% of all members of Congress identified as Black, and only 13.4% of all women who have served in Congress to date have identified as Black, according to research.
To date, no Black woman has served as governor of a state (though there has been a Black woman lieutenant governor, which we’ll get to later.)
Glass Ceiling In Politics For Black Women
Black women face the ever-so-usual gender bias and racism when running for office, but they also have to deal with another major deterrent to launching a viable campaign: funding. According to the Washington Post, while campaign fundraising “overall” saw a boost for women in 2020 compared with 2018, “Black women across party lines raised significantly less money than White women.”
The publication further reported that in 2020, data reflected “that the 113 active Black women candidates running on all tickets raised nearly $81 million in the first three quarters compared to the nearly $811 million pulled in by their 379 active White women counterparts across party lines, according to data provided by the Center for Responsive Politics. More than $1.5 billion was raised by over 1,000 White men from all parties in the same timeframe.”
Paying staff, covering marketing and ads, travel expenses, and more are all vital and very costly, expanding one’s reach, impact, and exposure to land the votes. This is one major reason that, when Black women finally make it to the finish line with enough support to get a serious spot on the ballot, it’s more than a big deal.
So, here are a few Black women in politics who have made history, continue to push barriers, and powerhouses to watch as we near Election Day on November 5:
Angela Alsobrooks
Andrew Harnik/Getty Images
A Maryland native, Angela Alsobrooks graduated from Duke University and the University of Maryland School of Law. She worked as a law clerk in the Howard County Circuit Court and the Baltimore City Circuit Court before taking on the role of Assistant State’s Attorney in Prince George’s County, a role in which she made history as the youngest and first woman in the role. She’s now running for the state senator seat in Maryland, which, if she wins, would make her the fourth Black woman in history to serve in the Senate.
Winsome Earle-Sears
Winsome Earle-Sears is a native of Kingston, Jamaica, who served in the United States Marine Corps. Before becoming the first woman to be elected lieutenant governor of Virginia and the first Black woman elected to statewide office, she served as the vice president of the Virginia State Board of Education and a presidential appointee to the U.S. Census Bureau, co-chair of the African American Committee and the Advisory Committee on Women Veterans to the Secretary of Veterans Affairs. She earned a bachelor’s degree in economics from Old Dominion University and a master’s degree in organizational leadership with a concentration in government from Regent University.
She has filed to run for governor of the state in 2025 and, if successful, would become the first and only woman (as well as Black woman) in the U.S. and its territories.
Lisa Blunt Rochester
Lisa Blunt Rochester represents Delaware in the U.S. House of Representatives and serves as an Assistant Whip for House Leadership. She also serves on the House Committee on Energy and Commerce. Raised in Wilmington, Delaware, she graduated from Fairleigh Dickinson University with a degree in international relations and later earned a master’s degree in urban affairs and public policy from the University of Delaware.
She’s also running for the state senate seat in Delaware and would make history if elected. If she and Albrook are both successful, that will be a first as well, as it would be the first time two Black women are serving in the U.S. Senate at the same time.
Carol Moseley Braun
A native of Chicago (who now lives in the Hyde Park neighborhood the Obamas also call home), Carol Moseley Braun became the first woman senator from Illinois and the first Black woman to serve in the Senate when she won in 1992 (and was the only Black woman to serve in the six years she held her seat.) She later served as U.S. ambassador to New Zealand, a visiting professor at Northwestern University, launched a food company, and now serves as chairman of the United States African Development Foundation. She graduated from the University of Illinois at Chicago and the University of Chicago Law School.
Lauren Underwood
Samuel Corum/Getty Images
Born in Ohio but raised in Illinois, Lauren Underwood was sworn into Congress in 2019, becoming the first woman, the first person of color, and the youngest (as a millennial!) elected to represent the state. A registered nurse by trade, she’s the co-founder and co-chair of the Black Maternal Health Caucus and the co-chair of the House Democratic Policy and Communications Committee. She also serves on the House Committee on Appropriations. Before that, she served as a senior adviser at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). She is a graduate of the University of Michigan and Johns Hopkins University.
Ayanna Pressley
Representing Massachusetts, Ayanna Pressley was the first Black woman to be elected to Congress from the state. Before that, she served as a member of the Boston City Council, becoming the first woman of color to serve in that capacity. In that role, she formed the Committee on Healthy Women, Families, and Communities, addressing issues including domestic violence and human trafficking. She empowered many, going viral and making headlines in 2020 when she revealed she has alopecia and unapologetically took off her wig to rock a bald head, shifting the narrative on Black women, code-switching, and appearance in political arenas and beyond.
Jennifer McClellan
Jennifer McClellan was sworn into the U.S. House last year, becoming the first Black woman to represent Virginia in Congress. A Virginia native, she earned a bachelor’s degree from the University of Richmond and her Juris Doctorate from the University of Virginia School of Law. She was previously elected to the Virginia House of Delegates in 2005 and served in that post until she was elected to the Virginia State Senate in 2017.
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Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images