With December being the most popular time of the year for somebody ('cause it ain't always the fellas) to get on one knee with a ring in hand, and with Valentine's Day being right around the corner, I thought it would be a good idea to explore engagements a little bit. More specifically, let's explore some of the reasons why it's not only OK to break off an engagement but, in my humble opinion, it's highly encouraged, too.
It's not that I'm trying to be a Debbie Downer or anything. It's just that, if there are two things that a lot of couples who regret getting married tell me, it's 1) they knew that they ignored some significant red flags when they got engaged and/or 2) they also knew on the night before their wedding that they should have called things off.
I personally know some couples who ended their engagement. By no means was it an easy thing for them to do. But now that they have healed and moved on to individuals who are a much better complement for them, they also have no regrets when it comes to making that initial decision. I say it often—break-ups are hard but man, they don't even begin to hold a candle to how devastating a divorce can be. So, whether you're contemplating getting engaged, or you currently are and something doesn't feel quite right, for the sake of your ultimate long-term health and happiness, take a moment to read some of the circumstances that you should feel totally fine with breaking off your engagement for.
1. His Boundaries with His Family Are Unhealthy (or Non-Existent)
Something that I spent a lot of time doing in 2019 was figuring out the difference between "PTSD Shellie" and "actual Shellie". When your childhood consisted of trauma, sometimes you don't realize that a lot of who you are is tied to pain rather than your true authentic self. When that is the case and you end up linking up to someone who also hasn't done the self-work that's needed to heal, not only can that result in a really difficult relationship, it can put you both in the position where you are constantly dealing with the toxicity of one another's families too.
No family is perfect. Lord knows. But if you are sensing that your man has narcissistic parents or other toxic relatives, and either he doesn't have healthy boundaries with those individuals or their influence keeps him in an emotionally unhealthy place and space, at the very least, encourage him to get some therapy before saying "I do". A lot of the married couples that I work with, their marital problems are rooted in their unresolved childhood issues. What they all have in common is they wish they had focused on healing those things on the front-end rather than constantly triggering each other, sometimes without even knowing it, on the back-end. If you want a thriving marriage, childhood healing should transpire as much as possible and family boundaries must be set. If none currently exist, it is beyond wise to pump the brakes until they are.
2. The Two of You Don’t Communicate Well
One of the reasons why I think it's a good idea to not be so quick to have sex in a relationship is because you need time to get to really know each other. If you don't, you could mistake good sex for an actual true emotional connection, or you could abuse sex by relying on it to be the only real way to get on the same page with your partner.
It's no shocker that one of the biggest causes of divorce is poor communication or a breakdown in communication. That's why I think it is so important to focus on developing a true friendship during the dating and courtship process.
And how can you know if you and your man are good communicators? Do you listen to each other? Do you respect one another's feelings? Can you both say that you have an intimate connection outside of sexual activity? Do you both feel emotionally safe with one another? Do you handle conflict well? Are you both good at forgiving? Do you both avoid toxic practices like gaslighting and being passive aggressive? Can you each share your deepest secrets and biggest vulnerabilities without hesitation, worry or regret?
Yeah, all of this is a tall order, but if you plan on spending the rest of your life with someone, these are just the kind of things you need to be able to say "definitely" to. If you can't, don't rush walking down the aisle. Better to wait than to end up in somebody's divorce court…right?
3. Money Is Super Funny
Wanna know one of the main reasons why I wrote "7 Solid Reasons To Strongly Consider Eloping"? It's because, along with poor communication issues, another leading cause for stress, strain and ultimately divorce is financial drama. And weddings? The average cost of those bad boys is somewhere between $20,000-50,000 (depending on where you live). If you factor that in, along with the almost $40,000 worth of debt that the average American has as well—whew! It's easy to see how student loans, credit card bills, car notes and mortgages (or rent) can truly take its toll on a relationship.
Listen, no one is saying that you and yours have to be independently wealthy before becoming one. But if you think that marriage isn't also about two people entering into a business partnership, you are in for a real roller coaster ride that could leave you queasy on so many levels. You know what they say—love doesn't pay the bills. If you're in a world of debt or your man can't seem to get his coins right—and worse, he doesn't intend to—don't think that it's superficial to not get married just yet. Or, if you continue to see red flags—like if he's a dad who's not paying child support or if he's someone who is always borrowing money—not getting married at all. A ton of married people will tell you that they wish they had paid more attention to their partner's financial habits beforehand. Don't find yourself being a statistic because you didn't.
4. The Wedding Planning Process Sucks
Back before I became a marriage life coach, I used to think people were exaggerating when they said that if you want to look at the potential future of someone's marriage, all you need to do is watch how they act during the wedding planning process. But chile, there is some super-duper wisdom in that. While a couple is putting their upcoming nuptials together, you get to see who is the most controlling, who sucks at compromising, how folks handle delays and irritations, how they deal with their family members and friends, if they are good with money, how good they are under pressure—I could go on and on and on. Weddings are nice. They really are. But they only last for a day. Besides, if you ask any couple who has already jumped the broom before, one thing they will probably vouch for is the fact that it all goes by in a blink.
If you're currently planning out your wedding day and you two are about to kill each other, I'm not saying you should automatically call everything off, but I will say this—if you sense some serious red flags and the only reason why you are moving forward is because "Everyone already knows that we're getting married", that's not a good enough reason. Weddings are to be a celebration of two people coming together in a healthy and happy way. If you can't honestly say that is where things are right now, wait until you can. The right people will only respect you for it. And at the end of the day, they are the only ones who truly count.
5. One—or Both—of You Have “Unfinished Business”
Unfortunately, there are more than a few people in this world who get married, not because they are running towards someone but because they are running away from someone else. That's why, whenever I am in a premarital session, I devote an entire meeting (more if needed) to people's exes. And you know what? I already know, off top, that if it's something that is ducked 'n dodged, there is some stuff that is definitely unresolved.
One thing about being engaged is, while it does speak on your intention to marry someone, it is still not nearly as "weighty" as actually being husband and wife. So, if you know that you've got someone in your past that you're still A) carrying a torch for, B) needing to resolve some things with, or C) haven't fully healed from, you really need to get that handled before becoming someone else's spouse.
I know far too many married people who have cheated with an ex, snuck around to communicate with an ex, or are constantly comparing their lifetime partner to an ex, and it's all because they went into their marriage with "ex baggage".
It is totally delusional to think that a stroll down the aisle will automatically make any ex issues that you have go away. If you need time to work that out, now would be the time to do it. If your fiancé doesn't understand, well, you might need to call things off until you can be sure that you are in a good space—mentally as well as emotionally with where things stand…with your ex.
6. You Still Want to Do Some Things You Can’t Compromise On
Whenever I encounter a new married couple, something that I have the habit of doing is asking them, "So, what did marriage teach you about yourself that you didn't know before saying, 'I do'?" Hands down, what I hear the most is "How selfish I was." Or "I am." Paul Washer, a pastor, once said that nothing teaches us how to love well better than marriage which means that sometimes we will have to make great sacrifices in order to do it. I totally agree. At the same time, if you are about to sacrifice goals and dreams that would be far easier to accomplish as a single woman—that is something else to think long and hard about. If you want to see the world and he doesn't, why get married and sulk about it or try and pressure him to do what he isn't interested in? Wait and go now. If you want to go to finish school but he wants to have kids right away, maybe y'all should cool things off for a bit. If there is a business that you want to get off of the ground that you know will take up a lot of your time and attention—getting married right at this second could be like raising twins. Literally.
Being a selfish spouse is one thing (and something that I will be sure to get into at another time), but feeling like you are being selfish simply because you are still single and want to do some things that would be easier done as a single woman is smart, wise, and highly recommended.
7. You Love…But You’re Not in Love
Personally, I think the word "love" is misused way too much. I try to avoid applying it to any and everything that I simply enjoy. I mean, "loving" my favorite tube of lip gloss should pale in comparison to loving my late fiancé, don't you think? I feel similarly to the term "in love" as well. And you know what? Science agrees with me. According to a lot of scientific research, if you're truly in love with someone, not only are you attracted to them, you also are emotionally dependent on them, you share similar interests and values, you both like making plans for the future (that include each other) and there is a profound sense of empathy that the two of you share.
Aside from science, another sign of being in love that I think is valid is there is no one else you'd rather be with; there is also no one else that you are wondering about. A good example of this would actually be a chick flick.Dear John (Channing Tatum, Amanda Seyfried), to be exact. If you've never seen it before, John (Tatum) and Savannah (Seyfried) were head over heels for each other. He was in the military and she married someone with cancer who had an autistic son. Savannah loved her husband, Tim but who she was in love with was John. Her husband even recognized it. Her love for Tim was based on friendship and obligation. Being in love with John is what led John to wait for years, to anonymously donate money to Tim's cancer treatments, and for them to eventually reunite once Tim passed away.
I already know some of y'all are like, "Did you really just use a movie to illustrate your point?" Yes, I did. Although it's fictional, I bet you could feel the difference between Savannah and Tim's relationship versus Savannah and John's connection. If you are about to marry someone and it feels more Tim-like than John-like, you and your fiancé deserve better and more. Love both of you enough to call things off. It might hurt for a while, but you won't regret your bravery in the long run. Neither will the man who you eventually do fall in love with.
8. The Timing Seems Off
Whoever said that the right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing—they ain't neva lied.
The problem is, a lot of people move forward in relationships without actually knowing what the signs of bad timing actually are.
If you're curious, here are some of them—your career is currently more important to you than your relationship; you feel like there is some internal work that needs to be done alone; you believe that you and/or your partner have a bit more maturing to do; the love is there but you need more time to see if you're as compatible as you'd like to be; you're in different states and neither is ready to move (yet) and/or there are some personal, professional or even health-related issues that would be better served while you are single.
Although a lot of people don't approach engagements this way, once two people are officially betrothed, they are basically saying that they are planning to get married as soon as possible. If you are engaged and you don't feel like you are in this head or heart space, there is nothing wrong with ending your engagement until you can feel good about your decision—or breaking things off indefinitely.
Getting engaged is a really big step. But don't feel like it puts you at the point of no return. If you see any of this in your relationship, marriage will only magnify matters. Not in a good way either. Please choose wisely.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
5 Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before Getting Engaged
If Your Man Is Missing These Things, Wait Before Marrying Him
Ask These Sex-Related Questions BEFORE You Marry Him
This Is Why I Have Mad Respect For People Who Break Off Their Engagements
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Alaska Wasn’t On My Bucket List, But My Glacier Adventure Made Me A Believer
We all have bucket list destinations at the top of our lists. I visited one of those at the top of 2024: Japan! But what happens when you get an opportunity to go someplace that wasn’t on it? For me, that was Alaska. Now, I’d submitted my short film to the Anchorage International Film Festival, genuinely thinking it would be a long shot to get in with a short film about fibroids and Black women’s health.
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
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Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert