I remember when I had my first kiss. Technically, it was when I was in the first grade. A cute and popular—as popular as you can be when you're no older than 7—blonde cutie pie named Michael lined all of the girls along the fence on our playground and smooched us. Hmph. When I think back on that now, it's a little weird. Anyway, that was the first time a little boy put his lips on mine. Now my first kiss with tongue? That was around 12-13. His name was Loren. It was while we were in New Orleans for a church conference. That kiss was so…I guess, "moving" is the appropriate word that we talked off and on until our freshman year in college.
Moral to the story? No matter what age you are, kissing is pretty powerful because, be honest, you can probably recall your first kiss too! And because swapping spit (relatively speaking) is such a profound experience, it makes perfect sense that there would be an entire day that's entirely dedicated to it.
As far as kissing from a scientific standpoint, I already penned a piece on 15 random kissing facts a while ago. Today, I want to approach kissing from an entirely different angle. Where did French kissing come from? I'm about to tell you. What makes or breaks a kiss? We're gonna touch on that as well. Is there an actual kissing etiquette? Let's look and see.
Hopefully, by the time you're done reading—or at least skimming—all of this, you'll have a new appreciation for kissing and, more importantly, who kisses you.
Let’s Look at Some Different Kinds of Kisses
Is a kiss just a kiss? Not really. I did some research—including a little asking around—and found out that there are at least a dozen different kinds to choose from. Kisses like ones that are planted on the forehead and cheeks, along with the oh-so-cute (at least I think so) Eskimo kiss (you know, rubbing noses) is about expressing heartfelt affection. When a man kisses a woman on her hands or eyelids, supposedly that shows that he is quite smitten. Earlobe and neck kisses are acts of foreplay (by the way, if you wonder where hickeys came from, we got it from animals. You can read more about that here).
Then there's the French kiss. Where did that term originate? From what I've read, the word "galocher", until very recently, was a slang French word that meant "kissing with tongues". But this kind of kissing didn't actually start in France. The original term was the Florentine kiss; it's what American and British soldiers did when they greeted their significant others when they returned home from World War I. But because we naturally associate the French with being passionate, they get the reputation for coming up with this kind of kissing when, in all actuality, it was us. Salute.
What Makes a Kiss Hot?
Now that we've broken a few kisses down, let's talk about what makes for an amazing kiss. To me, a kiss where a man holds my face, starts off slow and eventually becomes more intense is hot. A little lip and tongue sucking is great too, so long as he's not trying to remove it from my mouth. Oh, and soft moans. Those too are appreciated. But that's just me. From the unofficial polling that I did, with both men and women, the kind of kisses that feel like a conversation (you know, where both people are paying attention to one another) is pretty amazin'. Saliva needs to be kept down to a minimum. Caressing (even if it's just hand holding) needs to be happening simultaneously. Slight nibbling and sucking are appreciated. Oh, and everyone I talked to described the importance of staying in the moment during a kiss.
By the way, no matter how great a kiss may be, some official polling revealed that half of all men would have sex without kissing (I've asked around about this too and, a lot of men find kissing to be a whole lot more intimate than intercourse); men prefer wetter kisses than we do (I'm thinking that has something to do with, umm, our other lips getting/being wet as well); overall, kissing is preferred before sex rather than after and, the average amount of kissing partners between men and women is approximately the same—14. Hmph.
What Makes a Kiss…Not?
I don't know about y'all, but the first thing that comes to my mind when I think of a bad kisser isn't bad breath (I'm thinking that's a given). It's poor aim. You know, those guys who are either French kissing your nostrils or your chin. Yuck. Some more of my unofficial polling (again, of both men and women) revealed that an overly-eager or lazy tongue (who wants something reminiscent of a dead fish being in their mouth?!), someone who wants to give you as much of their spit as possible, someone who's rhythm is totally off, a hard biter, a tooth-bumper or someone who wants to talk a lot in between kisses are all no-nos.
But out of everything that I heard, what seemed to top the list was a kiss with someone when there was no real connection; that is the epitome of a bad. Like the expected kiss after a date when you're just not that into the person or when you're currently irritated by your partner and they want to "fix things" with a kiss instead of giving you a little time and space to process.
Oh! There was one more thing that a few folks told me makes for a bad kiss. Atmosphere. Kissing in the rain doesn't work if you hate getting your wet. Kissing in public isn't cool if you hate PDA. Kissing on the couch isn't always welcoming if that is constantly a precursor for sex (meaning, don't get into the habit of leaning in for a kiss if it's ONLY so that you can get some). The right setting, the right lighting and the right time can make for a kiss that's very hot—or totally not.
How Long Should You Wait to Kiss Someone?
Some of y'all probably read this point and was like, "I don't want to think too hard about this because it could ruin the romance." Uh-huh. I hear you. But remember those 15 facts about kissing that I referenced earlier? One of them is that you can get an STD from kissing someone. Plus, kissing exchanges oxytocin between two people; that basically means that it bonds them. What all of this boils down to is, no matter how "casual" kissing may seem on the surface, it actually isn't. That's why you should put some thought into when you should kiss someone new. Oh, and why.
There's no real steadfast rule to this particular point. Just, before locking lips with someone, ask yourself if you want to get closer to them and if they are deserving of being that close to you. One of my high school teachers used to say that kissing is sex with your mouth. I mean, stuff is going into other stuff and there is a chance that you could contract something so, not to ruin the mood or anything but, they kinda have a point there.
You're a big girl and it is your mouth. But just like every other part of you, your mouth is precious. Just make sure to choose wisely, OK?
How to Make Your Lips Unbelievably Soft
With all of the technical stuff out of the way, I want to end this with just one more point. Personally, I don't care how good of a kisser someone is, I ain't interested if 1) their breath stinks and/or 2) their lips aren't soft. If chapped lips are something that you constantly struggle with, it could be due to too much exposure to the sun (which means you should get a lip balm that has sunscreen in it), constantly licking your lips (the bacteria and saliva combo can dry them out) or being dehydrated.
If you happen to have a handle on these things, but you still want your lips to feel unbelievably soft the next time that you pucker up, start with applying a DIY brown sugar lip scrub (it will gently exfoliate your lips). Then apply some sweet almond oil (you can even add a little honey to it for taste's sake). Or, if you want to give your lips a little extra pampering, apply a mixture of one teaspoon of honey, one teaspoon of mashed-up avocado and one teaspoon of muddled cucumber that's been thoroughly blended. Apply the combo to your damp lips, let it sit for 10 minutes, rinse with cool water and then apply some shea butter onto your kissers for the night.
You'll have the best feeling lips ever. Just in time to thoroughly observe National Kissing Day!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here to receive our latest articles and news straight to your inbox.
Article originally published on July 6, 2019
RELATED
At the beginning of the year, we are being shown how significant 2025 will be for love. From March 1, 2025, until April 12, 2025, Venus, the planet of love and relationships, will be retrograde. Venus goes retrograde approximately every 18 months and hasn’t been retrograde since the Summer of 2023. With love taking a step back at the beginning of the year, we move through a time of understanding the emotional world better and letting go of trying to control outcomes here.
What Does 2025 Have in Store for Love?
It’s time to refocus your relationship priorities overall, and with this retrograde happening in both Aries and Pisces, Aries being the first sign of the zodiac and Pisces being the last; there is a chapter we are closing and a new one we are walking into.
Another significant factor that is influencing relationships this year, is Jupiter’s entry into Cancer. Jupiter brings blessings, abundance, luck, and expansion, and in water sign Cancer, brings these gifts to your emotions. Cancer rules emotional safety, foundations, close loved ones, family, support, and emotional well-being, and with Jupiter in this sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, we experience blessings in stability within love. This is a good year for building stronger foundations in love, aligning with those who are loyal and supportive, knowing what you need emotionally, and being a lot clearer on it.
Letting Go of the Past: The Astrological Theme of 2025
Overall, the guideline for the year when it comes to love is to focus on the bigger picture and let things work themselves out without forcing them to. Magic will come in for you this year when you can assess your needs and wants, let go of illusions or smoke and mirrors, and focus on the things you want for yourself rather than what you don’t. Your focus and beliefs on love are the priority right now, and things will be coming full circle for the better.
Read below to see your personal 2025 love forecast. Read for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
ARIES
2025 is one of the more significant years for you, Aries. A lot of the major transits are happening in your sign, which includes Venus retrograde in Aries at the beginning of the year, Neptune in Aries from March 2025 until 2039, and Saturn in Aries from May 2025 until 2028. Not to mention, Chiron, the wounded healer is currently in your sign until 2027.
What this means for you when it comes to love, is that you have learned a lot about where you want to be here, and it’s the year to implement more of these tools and knowledge of the heart.
This year for love is about honoring your integrity and what you need personally to thrive in life and creating that space to let it in. You need someone who will be there for you through whatever you are experiencing in life and not someone who adds to these challenges. This year is a time of rising above, and choosing better for yourself.
TAURUS
2025 for you when it comes to love, is all about perspective and taking better care of your heart, Taurus. Uranus, the planet of change, rebellion, progress, and upheaval, has been in your sign since 2019, and this year you get a break from all of the surprises. From Jul. 7, 2025, until Nov. 7, 2025, Uranus leaves your sign and enters Gemini, giving your mind and your heart some time to breathe.
This year you are being given the opportunity to see things for what they are, rather than what you fear them to be. You are able to see your relationship dynamics clearer, allowing you to feel more confident in what you are building and creating for yourself in this area of your life. What you are working on this year is letting go of overthinking, and allowing things to play out the way they are meant to in love.
GEMINI
This year you are feeling in balance when it comes to love, Gemini. Relationships are important to you in life overall, as you are a relationship-oriented sign, but it can be difficult at times to keep the balance and perspective here. This year, with lucky Jupiter in your sign until June, you have the opportunity to be blessed with some fortunate circumstances personally and within romance.
You are feeling yourself this year, and this is attracting you success and new opportunities within love.
Uranus will also be in your sign this year from Jul. 7 until Nov. 7, and some surprises are in store for you. Pay attention to what happens in your love life during this period, as similar themes will be coming back around for you when Uranus officially enters its Gemini transit from 2026 - 2032. Overall, this year is about balancing what’s coming and going in love, and finding your peace within your inner confidence for it all.
CANCER
2025 for you, Cancer, is about stability in love. You are growing emotionally from the ground up, and are feeling a sense of support, confidence, romance, and receptivity in your love life this year. You are one of the lucky signs of 2025, and this is due to Jupiter, the planet of blessings, entering your sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026. While Jupiter is in your sign, your life expands and you are able to see the gifts of your world that may have been harder to come by previously.
This is a year of spending more time with your loved ones and feeling more heard and supported emotionally. Safety and security are especially important to you this year, and you are only entertaining the people who feel that way about you and provide that. Many Cancers will be expanding their families this year or developing a long-term relationship, and overall this is a year of feeling stronger when it comes to love.
LEO
When it comes to love this year for you, Leo, it’s about trusting your intuition and listening more to what your heart is telling you. There are not many major transits happening in Leo in 2025, which means there is a lot of room to grow, but you may be feeling a lack of support or encouragement to do so. A lot of Leos are taking a step back to look at where they are currently in love, and yearning for some change and a new direction here.
Neptune will be in your 9th house of adventure for most of this year, and you are being asked to get inspired and do things differently, but don’t take unnecessary risks in love that may not serve you in the long run.
It can be easy to get lost in the fantasy of love rather than the actual reality you’ll live in here, and taking more time to understand yourself, your relationships, and the dynamics in your love life will be necessary. Overall, your heart is healing this year and you are moving away from the past and creating your new future.
VIRGO
This year when it comes to love, you are going through changes that are aligning you closer to your goals and dreams here, Virgo. You are focused on making things work that you want to see bloom, and also letting go of putting effort into people that aren’t reciprocating the same energy. With the North Node entering your sister sign Pisces and the South Node moving into your sign from Jan. 11, 2025, until Jul. 26, 2026, you are doing a lot of letting go over the next year.
However, with the North Node being in your 7th house of love, new doors and gifts are also opening up for you and your partnerships. The more you can let go of perfection and overworking your mind and your heart, the more blessings you will experience when it comes to love this year. In 2025, you also have two Eclipses in your sign, and there are overall a lot of changes Virgos are moving through this year. Your main guidance for love is to stand by the things that serve your heart and release yourself from what burdens it.
LIBRA
Love is coming to fruition for you this year, Libra. You have been through a lot in your personal life these past few years, and walking into 2025, you are ready for some positive change. This is a year of feeling in balance with your personal goals and dreams, and what you are experiencing romantically and financially as well. Relationship dynamics are serving you and your sense of abundance, and many gifts are coming your way in love this year.
With Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn all being in your 7th house of love, your love life and partnerships are the main focus for you in 2025.
You are moving through changes, overcoming previous obstacles, and bringing back the dreamy energy here. With Chiron in the 7th, you are still doing some healing of the heart, but with Neptune now entering, it all feels a little more romantic and spiritual at the same time. This year is about believing in the impossible in love, taking care of yourself, and allowing someone else to take care of you as well.
SCORPIO
This year is all about opportunity when it comes to love, Scorpio. You have your eyes on the prize and are focused on what you want for yourself, but also how you want to show up for love as well. You have goals and intentions that you are setting for your love life this year, and a lot of them reflect the passion and strength you are feeling as you enter the year. Vesta is in your sign this year until September, and you have a spark within you that is a magnet for success and love. You are walking forward confidently and are feeling inspired, sexy, and magical this year.
This is a very sensual and powerful year for you, and this energy is being reflected in the relationship experiences you are having. Jupiter also enters your 9th house of adventure halfway through the year, and there is something special about the trips you are taking and the risks you are taking in love. Overall, this is a year of doing things your way and attracting love to you through your inner confidence and charisma.
SAGITTARIUS
This is a beautiful year of feeling balanced and abundant in love, Sagittarius. There is a lot of energy coming in and you are giving a lot of love as well. This sense of synergy you are feeling within your love life this year has a lot to do with Juno, the asteroid of soulmates, in your sign from Feb. 19 - Apr. 15. Your people are coming in and you have options this year, Sag.
This is a year of feeling loved for the inspiring, outgoing, and unique being you are, and meeting more people who match your energy.
Saturn also enters your 5th house of romance this year, and you are learning a lot through your experiences with others. You are learning how to be more confident in who you are and what you want for yourself and also recognizing the importance of making more time for fun and playful experiences. This is the year to see love as a more light-hearted experience and to not take yourself too seriously.
CAPRICORN
You are letting things come to you when it comes to love this year, Capricorn. You are feeling beautiful, capable, and worthy, and you are receiving the gifts that come from this sense of confidence and patience. This past year, you were setting a lot of new goals for yourself and your relationships, and in 2025, you are experiencing the results of these efforts.
Jupiter moves into your sister sign Cancer from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, and enters your 7th house of love, partnerships, romance, marriage, and harmony. Your love life and experience of it all are expanding this year, and benevolent Jupiter is sending blessings to this area of your life. This is a year of things coming full circle for you in love, and you feel less confused about it all and more sure of yourself and what is becoming for you here.
AQUARIUS
Love is a highlight for you this year, Aquarius. You are coming together with another, and many Aquarius’ will be forming new relationships or growing within a strong relationship. You are experiencing the fruition of your dreams in love, and are also able to heal and let go of past emotional experiences that have been overwhelming for you in the past.
The North Node enters your 12th house of closure this year, and you are motivated towards change, cleaning house, and releasing the cobwebs of the past.
You are walking into new emotional experiences with less baggage and self-doubt, and are experiencing a fresh start in love. This is a year of asking for what you need emotionally and receiving it. Love is coming in for you in harmonious and magical ways, and you are rewriting your story in love in 2025.
PISCES
You are moving through a lot of changes when it comes to love in 2025, Pisces. This is a year of closure, healing, and giving yourself a fresh start, and the way you enter the year will be a lot different than the way you end it. The North Node of Destiny enters your sign this year, and the South Node of Karma enters your 7th house of love. So, a lot of your focus this year is on your personal goals and path, and there may be some neglect or lack of focus on your relationships.
This can create some discord with those close to you, and your guidance for this year is to try to balance the personal successes and wins you are experiencing, with the love changes that also need your attention right now. Know that what leaves your life this year is being replaced by something better, and also know that your healing doesn’t need to have a timeline and you can take as much time as you need to grow. Overall, you are turning a new page in love in 2025.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Anchiy/Getty Images
However, beyond a married couple’s wedding day vows, I do recommend that husbands and wives make other ones throughout the course of their relationship too. Why? Well, it’s mainly because of another quote that I am particularly fond of: "You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as a result of being married to you." A writer by the name of Richard Needham said that. Because time does evolve and transform individuals, making annual (other) promises to your spouse can help to further solidify your commitment to them in some very specific, significant, and necessary ways.
And what better time to make these types of recommitments than on New Year’s Eve when you’re right on the brink of a brand-spanking new calendar year? So, if you are married and you would like to go into another year with even more clarity and vigor as it relates to your union, exchanging these seven following promises with your partner, before the ball drops, is a very special (and helpful) way to do it.
1. “I will release all of the things that I already said I’ve forgiven you for.”
GiphyIt really is pretty amazing that the number of people who divorce rather than keep their vows still hovers around 50 percent. And although infidelity and abuse are sometimes the cause, they aren’t even close to being the top reasons. What seems to reign supreme these days? A lack of real commitment and also poor communication — and when you really stop to think about it, forgiveness falls into both of these dynamics. The reason why I say that is because, on the commitment tip, it is Ruth Graham Bell who once said, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers” and she was married to evangelist Billy Graham for over 60 years.
Yes, when you commit to a relationship, a part of what you are signing up for is accepting that your partner is not perfect and therefore, will need forgiveness and that YOU ARE NOT PERFECT and so, you will need forgiveness as well.
As far as poor communication goes, who can connect well with someone when they are holding a grudge? Not only does it create a wall between you and your spouse, but unforgivingness can stress you out, give you depression-related symptoms, make it harder to conceive a child, suppress your immunity, and even give you heart problems. So, whatever it is that you told your partner over the past 12 months that you’ve forgiven them for, make sure you didn’t lie to them and yourself by LETTING THAT ISH GO…for the sake of your relationship and your overall health and well-being as you move forward into a new year.
2. “I will check in more often to see if your relational needs and/or wants have changed.”
GiphyI have shared on more than one occasion that one of my favorite quotes (especially as it relates to marriage) is by playwright Lillian Hellman: “People change and forget to tell each other.” And honestly, that right there is why I think that many couples will say “We grew apart” when they try to explain to others why their marriage came to an end.
Listen, if you think that you are going to marry someone who is going to remain the same for the rest of their lives, you are living in a truly delusional and alternate universe; the same thing goes if they are thinking that about you. So, you know what this means, right?
First, you’ve got to accept that a part of what comes with loving someone is being willing to be flexible and adaptable. Secondly, you’ve also got to be willing to accept what your spouse once needed and wanted from the relationship and you may have shifted — and the only way you will know that is by talking to them about it.
My recommendation? Hold “What’s changed?” meetings once a season (four times a year) to see if something is different when it comes to each other’s needs, expectations, and goals. The more the two of you talk these types of things out, the easier it is to come up with a plan that helps the two of you to “fuel each other”…so that you are able to grow together — instead of apart.
3. “I will make our sex life (more of) a priority.”
GiphyA huge part of the reason why I’ve written content for the platform like, “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important,” “8 'Kinds Of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation,” “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex,” “12 Married Couples Share Keys For Taking Sexual Intimacy To Another Level” and “10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day” is because, so long as you and your beloved are physically capable, sex should always be treated as a staple in a marital relationship — and a staple is something that forms something else.
Scripture says that sex should never be withheld from your spouse (I Corinthians 7:5), one of the things that makes a marriage different from every other relationship you have is sex and there are far too many holistic benefits that come with having sex for it to not be prioritized in your marriage.
You know, there is a quote that serves as a signature in one of my email accounts that author Nick Chellsen came up with; it says, “Boundaries are what you say 'no' to. Priorities are what you say 'yes' to” — and when it comes to sexual intimacy, for every time that you put other people, social media, and whatever else before you and your partner spending true quality time together, you are saying that they aren’t a priority — and that never can end well.
Research says that healthy marriages have sex about once a week. If that is not the case in your household, it’s time to figure out why (even if you need a marriage counselor or sex therapist to help you out).
I recently watched a movie where a wife kept avoiding sex with her husband; then when he decided to leave, she claimed that he was abandoning the relationship. Sis, hate to break it to you but you did first by signing up for a relationship that includes sex and then reneging. And yes, y’all, if that felt like an “ouch” — please take it to heart.
4. “I will shift the people, places, things and ideas that hinder our bond.”
GiphyOne thing that really irritates me about social media (and there are oh so many things to choose from) is watching married people talk to bitter and/or completely clueless individuals about their relationship — or shoot, life, in general. Now mind you, I didn’t say that it bothers me when married people talk to single folks (check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships” and “Yes. Married Folks Need Single Friends (Male And Female).”). I mean, I’m single, I’ve been working with married couples for two decades at this point and just yesterday, a wife of almost 20 years told me that I am the best counselor that she and her husband have ever had (and they’ve had several).
No, what I mean is you need to listen to folks who respect marriage, are supporters of your marriage, and will do things that will add to and not subtract from your union. That said, I don’t care if it’s a family member (person), a church (place), a habit (thing), or some form of media (that plant seeds of ideas into your mind) — if you are spending time in an environment that makes it harder rather than easier to be married, it’s time to shift out of that space.
And sis, if your husband feels this way about certain people, places, things, or ideas, you need to listen to where he is coming from.
Being your provider and protector isn’t just about the monetary and the physical. If he discerns that there is stuff around that is causing the two of you to struggle, unnecessarily so, he very well may have a point.
5. “I will become (even more) solution-oriented rather than problem-oriented.”
GiphyIt might be hard to hear but if you’re someone who finds yourself talking about what’s wrong in your marriage instead of what steps should be taken in order to make things right, you definitely need to consider making this particular promise to your partner because being a problems-oriented type of person benefits absolutely no one. And what does it look like to be a problem-oriented individual?
Negative people are problem-oriented individuals. Naggers (which is also something that Scripture frowns upon — Proverbs 21:9) are problem-oriented individuals. Folks who compare their relationship to others are problems-oriented people (always remember that you ain’t them). People who dwell more on feelings than truth, facts, and logic (because feelings can be fickle) tend to be problem-oriented individuals. Please hear me when I say that perfectionists are usually problem-oriented individuals (nothing and no one on this earth is perfect).
Close-minded folks who don’t know how to compromise are problem-oriented individuals. Impatient people are problem-oriented individuals. Hypercritical folks are problem-oriented individuals. Folks who rarely encourage or celebrate the “small wins” in life are typically problem-oriented individuals (because they are never truly satisfied). Folks who would rather be right than do what is right for the ultimate betterment of their relationship are problem-oriented people.
Marriage is an ultimate collaboration which means that if you want to be solution-oriented — you need to listen to your spouse; you need to be flexible in your approach to things; you need to take on a positive attitude; you need to be (more) patient; you need ask questions to gain a better understanding of where your partner is coming from; you need to think about what helps the future and not just what feels good in the present, and you need to say and do things that cultivate peace and harmony instead of stress and drama.
Y’all, a husband and wife who decide, daily, that they are a team and so, they are going to work together to do what is better for the team — they are rarely defeated. That’s just the plain ole’ truth.
6. “I will be better at taking accountability.”
GiphyAsk any engaged couple who comes to me for counsel and they will tell you that one of the things that I will say, on repeat, is if you don’t want to be held accountable, on some level, each and every day of your life, DO NOT GET MARRIED. I say that because one of the main purposes of marriage is to help two people to grow and mature and that requires allowing your partner to hold a “mirror” up and show you some things that you may not like about yourself or may be uncomfortable to address.
Hmph. Let me tell it, that is actually an “unsung” reason why so many people call it quits: they don’t like what they see in their “marriage mirror” and so they leave in hopes of finding someone who will praise them more than challenge them. SMDH.
Listen, if everything that I just said stepped on your toes, this is definitely a promise that you need to make to your spouse before the new year because you should be able to trust your spouse enough for them to encourage you to act more responsibly in various areas of your life. Again, that is a part of what they are there for. Very much so.
7. “I will like you more, respect you better and choose you daily.”
GiphySomething that many of my clients will tell you (and I also think I’ve said in articles before) is when couples tell me that they’re not (currently) “in love,” I’m not nearly as concerned as when they tell me that they don’t LIKE each other anymore. My usual response: love, as far as the feeling of it goes, has ebbs and flows; however, if you two still like each other, we can get back to love. And yes, that is a hill that I will forever-and-a-day die on. I mean, friends like each other, right? Is your husband your friend?
Because, when you really do adore someone, appreciate someone, enjoy someone — you tend to find enough things about them that will make you want to stick out the challenging ones about them and/or the trying season that the two of you may be going through. So yes, over the next year, purpose in your mind to find more things to LIKE about your spouse; you’ll be amazed at how helpful that one tip can be.
Respect? When you respect someone, you esteem them. When you respect someone, you honor their boundaries. When you respect someone, you take their insights into serious consideration. When you respect someone, you present them in the best light to other people. When you respect someone, you speak to them with kindness and consideration. When you respect someone, you validate their feelings, give them space when they need it, and affirm them just because. That said, do you respect your husband? Better yet, ask him if he feels respected by you (especially since it’s a biblical instruction — Ephesians 5:33).
And finally, love is a choice. Children? They only go by what they feel. Mature people? They get that sometimes what you feel like isn’t what’s most important — what you choose is. And I promise you, waking up every day, looking your spouse in the eye, and declaring, “Today, again, I CHOOSE YOU” — can give you the “oomph” that you need to get through whatever the day brings because you are saying, both to them and yourself, that loving you is a conscious decision and I’m willing to say and do things that support that choice.
____
One of my favorite lines from the movie The Fault in Our Stars is when one of the characters says, “Oftentimes, people don’t understand the promises that they make when they made them.” Yeah, don’t get me started on why that’s a huge reason why every engaged couple should get premarital counseling.
Anyway, it’s my sincere hope that I broke down these seven promises well enough that you and your husband can toast to these words — so that you can go into the new year, better than ever, as far as your vow-based bond is concerned.
Salute to the next season of your marriage. You’ve made it this far. You deserve it.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Digital Vision./Getty Images