

I'm pretty sure that everyone reading this knows that protein is essential to their overall health and well-being. But have you ever wondered exactly why that is the case? Long story short, protein is a macronutrient that is found in every part of our body because it's a part of every cell. Protein helps to build and repair tissues in our system while also being what helps to make enzymes, hormones, muscle bones and more. Our hair? It's mostly protein. Our nails? They are mostly protein too. Bottom line, there's basically no way we can function properly without protein being a part of our daily diet.
And what has a lot of protein in it? Meat, hands down. Yet what do you do if you happen to be a vegetarian or vegan because, as a woman, you need around 46 grams of protein a day (56 grams if you're a man)? Good question. Luckily, there are several non-animal-related foods that can get you the protein that your body craves without you having to betray your personal eating preferences. As far as the ones that can get you the most protein possible, I've got a list of 12 of 'em right here.
1. Eggs
If you're a vegan, you'll need to pass on eggs because they are a dairy product. But if you're a vegetarian, technically you can eat them because they aren't considered to be what falls into the "animal flesh" category. As far as health benefits go, eggs are high in selenium and riboflavin (Vitamin B2), along with having a good amount of vitamins A and E, folate, calcium and zinc in them. Eggs also contain choline (which helps to build healthy cell membranes), they help to produce "good cholesterol" that can lower heart disease and they have the antioxidants lutein and zeaxanthin in them to help with keeping your vision in peak condition.
Eggs are also dope on the protein tip because one egg contains about six grams of it. Another great thing about eggs is they contain amino acids; ones that your system is able to turn into protein once you consume them.
2. Greek Yogurt
This is another heads up for vegetarians only because Greek yogurt is also a dairy product. If you've ever wondered what makes Greek yogurt different from all of the rest, it's because the whey that is in other yogurts is removed from it. As a result, Greek yogurt doesn't contain any lactose (a sugar that is found in milk). When it comes to Greek yogurt's benefits, it's got calcium, probiotics and Vitamin B12. The combination makes this particular food great for maintaining bone health, boosting metabolism, improving gut health, lowering blood pressure and even helping to treat depression.
And just how much protein is in this kind of yogurt? Oh, it's got a lot! If you eat one container of it, you'll be giving your system somewhere between 14-17 grams of protein. Whew!
3. Sun-Dried Tomatoes
If you keep tomatoes in your refrigerator, they are able to last anywhere from 10-14 days. But if you want to be able to enjoy them longer, one thing you can do is let them dry out in the sun or oven (you can learn how to go the oven route here). Considering this as an alternative is good because tomatoes are full of fiber, iron, magnesium, phosphorus, several forms of Vitamin B and also vitamins C and K. Tomatoes are also a great source of antioxidants which makes them a great fruit to fight off free radicals, reduce bodily inflammation, improve your digestive health and, even boost collagen levels so that your skin looks younger for longer.
When it comes to protein consumption, it doesn't get much better than tomatoes. The reason why I say that is because you can get as much as eight grams of protein for every cup of them that you eat. So, if you put a few of these on a salad, you will have a lot of the protein intake that you need for any particular day.
4. Broccoli
Broccoli is a great source of all kinds of goodness. It's full of vitamins A, C, E, K and iron, calcium, potassium, folic acid and magnesium. So, no wonder broccoli is the kind of veggie that is able to support strong bones, reduce the risk of heart disease and keep your eyes in great shape (thanks to the carotenoids lutein and zeaxanthin that are also in them). As a bonus, broccoli even contains cancer-fighting compounds.
As if all of that wasn't impressive enough, something else that broccoli's got plenty of is protein. As much as five grams per serving (which is a cup). Just make sure that you steam it if you want to get the most out of it. Preparing broccoli any other way can zap some of its nutrients.
5. Oats
If you're someone who has a heaping bowl of oatmeal, at least a couple of times a week, good for you. Oats contain a massive amount of manganese (191 percent of the reference daily intake), along with a high amount of phosphorus, magnesium, copper, fiber, thiamin (Vitamin B1) and some iron and zinc too. Oats will also do your body good because they've got the antioxidants avenanthramides that can lower your blood pressure, improve your blood sugar levels, reduce your colon cancer risk, strengthen your immune system and, because it's high in good carbs, oats can give you a good boost of energy too.
Oats are a good way to get more protein. If you have a half-cup of 'em, you'll get someone around 13 grams. Impressive.
6. Lima Beans
Is it just me or are lima beans a super acquired taste? Either way, in just a sec, I'm gonna blow your mind with how much protein is in this particular vegetable. But first, its other health benefits. As far as vitamins and minerals go, lima beans can get you a good amount of manganese, copper, potassium, phosphorus, iron and folate. These are the kind of beans that can help to lower your blood sugar and cholesterol levels, support your nervous system and, thanks to the fiber that's also in them, lima beans can help to keep you regular while detoxifying your system too.
But here's the real clincher. Guess how much protein is in a half-cup of lima beans? 21 freakin' grams! Yep, that's the most out of any other food on this list and, if you eat a cup of 'em, you've pretty much taken in all of the protein that your body needs for the day. No wonder grandma used to make us eat them so often, huh?
7. Guava
Unlike a lot of fruits that are in their peak during any other season but winter, guava is the opposite. It is at its best between November and April. Guava is a tropical fruit that's really good for you because it's high in Vitamin C, potassium and fiber. It is able to help to lower your blood sugar levels, improve your heart health, boost your digestive health, strengthen your immunity and even lessen the pain of period cramps (how cool is that?).
One of the best things about guava, though, is it's pretty off the charts when it comes to being a wonderful source of protein. While it's a pretty low-calorie fruit (somewhere around 120 calories per cup), you're able to get yourself 4 ½ grams of protein per cup too.
8. Potatoes
Ah, potatoes. Now this is the kind of food that sometimes I've gotta talk myself out of eating (because everything must be done in moderation, right?). I don't know what it is exactly, but whether it's a French fry or a baked one (white or sweet; it doesn't really matter), potatoes just feel so damn comforting. Plus, there are several things that make them good for us. Potatoes are a great source of vitamins B6 and C. Potatoes have a ton of potassium in them (a potato contains more potassium than a banana does). Believe it or not, potatoes are also fat, sodium and cholesterol-free. Added benefits include the fact that potatoes have no gluten in them, can help to fight off free radicals and even has studies stating that they can hinder the growth of liver and colon cancer cells.
Also, no matter how you prefer to prepare your potato, you can get a nice amount of protein from it. In fact, a medium-sized potato will give you around four grams of protein. Dope.
9. Coconut
Coconut, taste wise, is something that is difficult to describe, I won't lie. Personally, I like coconut milk and even dried coconut. It's a food that's considered to be a fruit, nut and seed that contains healthy fats, is high in electrolytes (to keep you hydrated), contains lauric acid (which can fight bacteria in your system), and it has antifungal and antibacterial properties that will fight oral decay and help to prevent bladder infection, kidney disease, thyroid dysfunction and skin and scalp infections too.
Coconut is another food that makes the high-in-protein list because, if you eat a medium-sized coconut, you're actually getting somewhere around 13 grams of protein; that's close to one-third of the daily recommended amount that your system needs.
10. Hemp Seeds
OK, so let me say off top that, although these seeds have the word "hemp" in them, don't let that get you all excited. Hemp seeds are seeds that come from the Cannabis sativa plant and they don't produce any sort of mind-altering effect. Still, if you add these into your diet, they can benefit your health in a myriad of ways. Hemp seeds are a great source of alpha-linolenic acid (which is an omega-3 fatty acid), many forms of Vitamin B, Vitamin E, magnesium, potassium and folate. Eating hemp seeds will help to reduce bodily inflammation, boost heart health, heal acne, reduce symptoms related to rheumatoid arthritis and, they can help to protect your brain as well.
Hemp seeds are really impressive when it comes to how much protein that you can get out of them. You can actually get close to 10 grams of protein if you consume as little as three tablespoons of them. And, since hemp seeds contain all nine essential amino acids, they are the kind of seeds that are on the list of being a superfood too.
11. Green Peas
Green peas are something that I can get down with. Like carrots, they're a semi-sweet veggie. They've got an impressive amount of vitamins A and K as well as folate, fiber, calcium and manganese that work together to do things for your health like helping to protect you from getting heart disease and controlling your blood sugar.
And yes, they are another vegetable that is a good protein source. How much? Well, a half-cup can get you somewhere around four grams which is actually three times more than what a half-cup of carrots will provide.
12. Sprouted Bread
If you've got a craving for a sandwich, don't deprive yourself. Just be intentional to make it out of sprouted bread. What's that? It's bread that has been made from whole grains that have germinated. Sprouted bread is beneficial because, since its grains have literally sprouted, you are able to get more nutritional value when it comes to vitamins B and C and fiber with each slice. Sprouted bread also contains the enzymes phytase and amylase which makes it easier to digest, is lower in gluten and has higher antioxidant levels in it (like beta-carotene) to protect your system from free radicals.
If you opt for eating a sprouted bread brand like Ezekiel Bread, the millet, barley and beans that are in it will give you as much as three grams of protein a slice; that's pretty impressive if you're looking for just one more non-meat way to get your daily protein fix. So, what are you waiting for? Eat up, sis!
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
We All Mess Up Sometimes. But Can You Trust A Friend's Apology?
Although what I mostly deal with when it comes to the clients that I have is romantic relationships, there are definitely times when other topics come up. For instance, recently, someone was talking to me about some drama that they were going through with a friend of theirs. Emotionally, they felt like they were in a bit of a bind because while, on one hand, they had been friends with this individual for over 15 years at this point, on the other, there were certain things that they had done, more than once, that were starting to take its toll.
When I asked my client if they had clearly articulated their feelings, concerns, and boundaries to that individual, they admitted that they hadn’t.
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
Sometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
One day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
Now that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
If you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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