For my friends and I the phrase "n----- ain’t shit" had become a theory for our relationships.
We thought we had heard enough stories from our mothers and aunts and experienced enough ourselves that we thought this would manifest in our own relationships eventually someday.
Especially me.
Last summer, I was in a “situationship” with a man that didn’t want to commit but wanted relationship privileges. As unhappy as I was, it was so hard to get away. I was reading all of the books I could that would give me advice about how to pick the right mate and be in the best situation for me.
This brought me to Don’t Waste Your Pretty by Demetria Lucas D'Oyley. After seeing Demetria on the Bravo TV show, Blood, Sweat, and Heels, I enjoyed hearing her perspective on relationships and how she seemed the most normal on the show so I decided to read her thoughts. Not long after buying her book, I found out she was having a Q&A brunch in my area and signed myself and one of my best friends up.
While hearing women all over the brunch ask questions about relationships, not settling, and trust issues. I literally felt an energy that helped me have an epiphany. In that moment I decided that I was ending the “situationship” that was igniting negative energy in my life. I turned to my friend and said, "I’m done with him."
Now of course I had said this before, but this time felt different, I felt more confident when saying it.
At the end, after thanking Demetria for sharing advice with us, I walked outside the restaurant and got the call that changed my life. A friend called and said she wanted to introduce me to her brother that afternoon. She felt like we would have a good chemistry and even if nothing romance came from it, she believed that he and I could at least be “good friends.”
Later that day, her brother and I met and we did have great chemistry and conversation. We wanted the same things and had the same ambitions. But I had experienced this before when meeting people for the first time.
How was I going to grow and make this experience with this man different?
How could I make sure that this did not crash and burn in 6 months or less like every other guy I had met?
I decided to change my thinking.
So often we hear about positive thinking with your mind will bring positive vibes from people around you and the same thing exists in love. Previously when asked how a relationship I was in was going I would say "Oh its good SO FAR", "Everything is fine FOR NOW", "He hasn’t messed up YET."
By saying these things, I was mentally preparing myself for the worst to happen. I was not preparing myself for these great things to continue to happen.
Why was I expecting something bad to happen?
Why did I not believe that everything could actually be okay?
I changed my answers to “Everything is good”, “We are doing well.” Taking away the uncertainty makes the good things going on more certain and takes away the questioning or instability of these things continuing to happen.
It also can’t just be you. You and your partner must both believe in expecting the best, speaking the best, and believing in your relationship. My boyfriend and I were talking one day about the future I said, “Well if we get married and have kids together…..”
He immediately stopped me and said “Why is there an ‘if’?”
Then I silently asked myself, Why is there an “if”? If I love this man, why I couldn’t I speak a definite, “When we get married and have kids together…” instead of my uncertain “if”. It was a fear of speaking about things that might not happen and imagining how stupid I would feel if they didn’t. But again, there was the thought that things might not happen. I was still thinking and subconsciously expecting it not to happen. I allowed myself to be so scorned by the past that I could not speak my dreams and hopes for a future with him without being afraid. Since that day, whenever speaking about the future between my boyfriend and myself, we speak of our future in the definite. We put that energy and speak those words into the air because we believe the future will happen.
[Tweet "I allowed myself to be so scorned by the past that I could not speak my dreams and hopes for the future."]
The people around you have to know not to bring that energy into your situation. Early in my relationship when speaking about my boyfriend, my mother would say “I just don’t want you to get hurt.” I politely told her that I do not spend my energy and my mental thoughts on “the potential of getting hurt.” Protecting myself from getting hurt limits the potential of my relationship. It leaves me guarded and unable to be completely naked with my partner. Your friends and family will also bring to you the idea that the worse will happen. They love you and do not want to see you hurt. They will be unaware of how bringing that energy to you can alter your mindset. Protect your mental energy and kindly inform them of the wavelength that you are on.
[Tweet "Protecting myself from getting hurt limits the potential of my relationship."]
Now I know the skeptics are still thinking, “what if?” Some probably believe “I don’t want to look stupid,” or “I don’t want to be hurt.” When life happens, we deal with it. We strategize the best way to handle something when things happen. However, why as women do we prepare and plan mentally for something that hasn’t even happened? That’s like planning a funeral when you are not on your death bed.
Has my relationship been perfect? No. But have I received the betrayal and lies I always expected from relationships? Absolutely not. This is not by chance.
For all those ladies still saying “n----- ain't sh-t,” the guys you run into will never be worth your time, because you are expecting them not to be.
Once you change your perspective, realize your worth (because that has a huge effect on what we attract), and go into relationships with a positive frame of mind, everything will work itself out.
You deserve to at least give yourself a chance at love.
How do you speak about your relationships?
Related Post: I Discovered My Husband's Love Language...And It Saved My Marriage
Erin Marie is a writer and educator in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn. Originally from Atlanta, Georgia, Erin is passionate about critiquing the issues of Black women, Black media, and relationships. A lover of books, Erin is constantly reading in order to change and evolve and to help others, especially children. To connect with her follow her on instagram at @eairon or at branded.me/erinmarie.
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It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Getty ImagesStep 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Dating men of higher social status shortened my tolerance for a lot of things I was convinced were normal. I blamed the universe for attracting undesirable men when it was my fault for allowing undesirable behavior. An interesting dichotomy between those guys and sugar daddies was the treatment I accepted.
It was easier to put my foot down with men of opulence because their privilege meant there was no limit to meeting my desires. Plus, recognizing my own worth made them (the good ones) want to treat me with the same high regard.
I’ll admit you don’t NEED to be an SB to enhance your dating style, but that’s the path I journeyed. It taught me how to be gracefully tough on men based on the simple fact that I’m invaluable. I’ll never convince anyone to be an SB, but feel free to pick a few gems I learned that might take your 2025 dating style to the next level.
Don’t overdo it by showing gratitude.
Let’s stop praising men for the bare minimum.
Yes, it’s okay to make a man feel affirmed but don’t let those affirmations come off too intensely, especially for things that require minimal effort. Don’t tell him about your ex never opening the passenger door for you, don’t brag about him being "The One" because he texted to make sure you got home safely, and most definitely don’t offer up the cat just because he paid a $150 dinner bill (give it because you want to, not out of obligation).
To be honest, I barely even say thank you when a man finds me attractive. “You are so beautiful.” I would respond, “Aww, you’re so sweet.” When he holds the door open, I graze his arm and smile.
Showing too much excitement about the bare minimum strokes his ego and draws a ceiling, which he doesn’t feel he needs to surpass. It tells him you’re not used to regular treatment, so you’ll be grateful for anything. Why do more than necessary? I like my men reflecting at the end of our date, thinking, “What can I do to impress her?”
Don’t stop having manners, though. Just keep it simple and move on.
There’s no such thing as “dating for potential.”
Hold my hand with this one.
There comes a time when the word “potential” shouldn’t be a part of your dating vocabulary. It’s nothing more than the encouragement of false hope. He’s not flaky with time because his schedule is too busy between balancing family and work. It’s because you’re not important enough to prioritize making time for.
He’s not stingy on dates because he’s having a rough time handling all his financial responsibilities. It’s because he’d rather spend his money on things that don’t involve you.
Trust me when I say men don’t date with potential in mind. Many of them hold themselves in very high regard with an “I can do better” mindset, and so should you. There’s A LOT of weight in the saying, “If he wanted to he would.” So stay away from Mr. Shoulda Coulda Woulda because, at the end of the day, he didn’t.
*P.S. If he ever says he doesn’t deserve you, he’s not being sheepishly humble. Take his word for it and run.
Do NOT be afraid to say no.
How many times have you put yourself through something you didn’t want to do based on feeling obligated? You compromised yourself in order to please the person you’re dating because it seemed like the easier option. Let me just remind you of the old saying, “Nothing good in life comes easy.”
I like comparing men to children, not to demean them but to draw similarities. Children often like to push and see how much they can get away with until the parent says no. Once you allow them to get away with one thing, they’ll nudge the limits to see how often they can skate by.
Dating is just like this. Get comfortable giving rejection. It can be an uncomfortable concept for some, so consider saying no and following it with a light reason. For example, “Do you want to come over and watch Netflix?” “No, I don’t feel comfortable going to strangers’ houses.” If his response is anything but understanding with a Plan B, on to the next.
Those boundaries were created to protect you. Any man who respects you will respect them too.
Don’t lay all your cards on the table.
When a man asks, “So what exactly are you looking for?” The vaguest response comes to mind.
It’s a common mistake to think men (not all) ask questions for unselfish reasons. That one, especially, is basically like asking for cheat codes to a game. Describing your idea of a perfect man, dating intentions, etc. allows him to know who he needs to morph himself into in order to get what he wants. Enter love bombing, physical intimacy, delusions of potential, then ghosting.
I’ve said the below on a few first dates and wasn’t surprised by how quickly the guys weeded themselves out.
"I’ve been having fun figuring things out as time goes on. There are times when I love going out to meet new people and times when I love cuddling up on the couch. It depends on how I’m feeling.”
I just said a whole lotta nothing, leaving it up to him to decipher. It’s open-ended, which forces him to show his intentions and let things play out naturally with as little manipulation as possible.
The first date defines how he views you.
This is where all those conversations leading up to this day come into play.
The perfect first date doesn’t only have to consist of 5-star dining and lavish wine collections. Those are merely perks. The perfect first date is valued based on how much effort he put in to show he’s been listening.
You’ve been dropping subtle hints that tulips are your favorite flowers. Did he show up empty-handed? You shared your discomfort with driving to far places at night. Did he book a 9 p.m. reservation somewhere 30 minutes away? You told him about your new venture into veganism. Did he take you to his favorite steakhouse?
These aren’t small things and they’re DEFINITELY not things for you to take on as a challenge. These could be easy signs of a life full of selfishness and laziness if shrugged off by the belief you should be satisfied with him making time for you.
Will taking my advice find you a husband faster? Who knows? But, ultimately, dating isn’t supposed to be an earnest search for a man. It should be a time of personal growth while sorting through experiences to find a partner who will appreciate the valuable woman you are.
Having high standards for yourself doesn’t make you difficult or unreasonable. To the right man, it definitely won’t make you undateable. Like I said before, nothing good in life comes easy.
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