When I decided to take a trip to Portland, I had a certain angle I thought I wanted to write about, well a pretty obvious angle/question, since Portland is 76 percent white (making it the whitest major city in America): Do black people live in Portland?
Not to mention that like many cities across the country, Portland has an ongoing issue with gentrification. With all of that information, I didn't know what to make of the town.
One of my questions got answered early on since I got a chance to connect with young black people as I explored the city. One guy was even named Ermias, which sparked a conversation about Nipsey Hussle's senseless death and how we as young black people can help keep the marathon going.
During all of my rideshare rides, I'd ask, "What should I do while I'm in Portland?" The general answer was, "You should eat..." I guess that makes sense given WalletHub named Portland American's number one foodie city. What I realized after chatting with the locals is that much of what the people of Portland "do" aside from waterfall hikes is try the wealth of restaurants the city has to offer — and there are a lot of them.
I had a Middle Eastern brunch, got my caffeine fix with a dose of sneaker culture at a black-owned coffee shop, and topped it all off with a beautiful meal at an upscale Peruvian restaurant. I'm pretty sure I gained a few pounds while I was here, and thanks to the hospitality at two of the cities newest hotel — I felt like I was in my dream home away from home with fresh, crisp air and a little rain on the side.
Here's what I ate, where I slept, and what I did between meals because those were the main event. (And to be honest, there wasn't much time to see anything in between meals.)
Where I Stayed
The Hi-Lo Hotel
Bianca Lambert / xoNecole
The Hi-Lo Hotel is an upscale boutique hotel from Marriott's Autograph collection. Decked out with high ceiling plush loveseats, tiled floors (which I think were heated), and a bathroom I dream of calling my own. Accented with gold hardware, a Kohler jacuzzi tub, a counter large enough to hold all of my beauty products, and plush robe in the closet — I was in my happy place.
I even had a glass of wine compliments of the Hi-Lo, ran an Epsom salt bath, and relaxed.
As an LAer that is used to a limited amount of space and no bathtub, this was everything to me. Thanks to my bath, I was so relaxed that I tried to watch something on HBO (which was complimentary), but I was out until my alarm went off the next morning.
What made the Hi-Lo even better was their staff attention to detail — using my name to greet me and taking care of my concerns with a sense of urgency. Not to mention the hotel was just a block away from Nordstrom, Zara, and a new favorite, MUJI. Imagine Ikea, but with Japanese skincare, minimalist clothes, and sleek homeware. I almost spent all my coins in there, but I talked myself out of it.
The Hoxton Hotel
Bianca Lambert / xoNecole
The Hoxton Hotel is relatively new to Portland and is a hotel concept out of London, which means they are known for their European style rooms and culture. For instance, their room sizes are smaller, and their linens are a little different too. So don't think the housekeeping staff forgot to put a top sheet on the bed or left the room without placing face towels on the rack. If you're a traveler that wants to spend less time snuggled in their room, and more time exploring the city or even the property itself this is your hotel.
With a full-service restaurant (La Neta), a rooftop bar (Tope), and a speakeasy-style basement bar, you don't even have to leave the hotel. One thing I will note is while the hotel decor was beautiful and the staff was friendly, the service was lacking. I had to ask multiple times to get the thermostat adjusted in the room, and even after requesting that many times, no one came up or followed up until Ellie stepped in by bringing me an extra duvet and a glass of wine along with a sincere apology.
Aside from that small issue, I'd say the location, decor, and even the room sizes make it ideal for a traveler that likes swanky style with the exploration.
One more perk of this Portland newbie is that they offer a complimentary breakfast option (granola, yogurt, and organic OJ) and if you have a late night craving for a late night snack like M&Ms or chips, you can grab them downstairs for just a dollar.
What I Ate
Deadstock Coffee
Bianca Lambert / xoNecole
Deadstock Coffee was at the top of mind because I read that it was black-owned and their inspiration was sparked by their love of coffee, sneakers, and community — and it showed. Walking into Deadstock was a sensory experience. With the smell of coffee, the sounds of beans grinding over the hip-hop tunes, and the sneakers and lockers lining the walls, you knew what they were trying to say. Since they don't have a menu, I wasn't sure what to order until the barista said, "We're known for our mocha." A few moments later, I was snapping a picture of my sneaker-topped mocha and sipping it on my way to my next place.
Bianca Lambert / xoNecole
Fried Egg I'm In Love
I was told to expect a line at Fried Egg I'm In Love, but lucky for me I'd just missed the lunch rush. I walked up and was greeted by Ryan, who I asked to tell me what I should order. I always want to know what the locals think is good because they know better than anyone. "Order the YOLKO ONO," he said.
Stacked with a fried egg, homemade pesto, parmesan, and a hand-pressed house sausage patty, the sandwich already sounded delicious, but he told me to add Havarti and aardvark aioli — which I did, and it was one of the best things I've ever eaten. I usually find over-hyped restaurants to be a disappointment, but this one was worth it.
Tusk
Bianca Lambert / xoNecole
I was going to head over to Voodoo Doughnut for breakfast, but decided on Tusk — a Middle Eastern restaurant that everyone in this town raves about, I mean everyone. Screen Door (another local fave) was just across the street, but the line was out the door, and I was in a time crunch because I had a horseriding lesson at noon. I walked into the airy eatery and was seated at the bar. I took a look at the menu and decided on the Chicken and Apricot Sausage that came with chickpeas, yogurt, fried cauliflower, sunny eggs, and of course the sausage. I almost asked to take the yogurt off, but part of enjoying something new is having it the way the chef envisioned. It was one of my favorite meals I had over the course of my trip, but I have to talk about the rhubarb tart.
Y'all, it was so good—I inhaled the warm, crispy pastry in what felt like seconds.
Tasty and Daughters
Bianca Lambert / xoNecole
Next up was venturing to the Southeast to try another recommendation of my Uber drivers. This was another restaurant that I was told to be prepared for a wait, but I think skipping weekend brunch and opting for their Happy Hour saved me some time. I walked in and was seated at the end of the bar. One thing that stuck out to me about this restaurant was their chef Marcus Sherard, who is a black and classically trained with Southern roots. The happy hour menu had a lot to offer layered with oysters, radicchio salad, frites, and a fried chicken biscuit. I went for the biscuit, and it didn't disappoint — the biscuit was flakey, the chicken tender, and I felt like the bartender saw me when she said, "Would you like hot sauce?"
Santé Bar
Black-owned and operated by Véronique LaFont, the Santé Bar is a part of the community and a favorite local hangout. You can feel it the moment you walk through the door of the LGBTQ craft cocktail bar. If you're a fan of charcuterie and an original cocktail like the Cat's Meow (all designed by the owner), you'll enjoy spending a little time here.
Pok Pok
Bianca Lambert / xoNecole
Another local recommendation was Pok Pok, a street Thai restaurant that comes highly recommended because of their fish-sauce wings, which didn't disappoint. If you're a sour whiskey person, don't forget to order their Tamarind Whiskey Sour.
Andina
I had to make my last night's dinner count by going to a highly recommended upscale Peruvian spot called Andina. From the service to the food, it lived up to its reputation. Everything was wonderful: the Yuca Frita, Acelgas, Conchas A La ParrIila, and the service was top notch, thanks to Kale. Oh, and don't forget to have their Sacsayhuamán cocktail made with habanero pepper vodka shaken with pureed passionfruit and cane sugar. Since I love a spicy cocktail, this one hit the spot — I wish I could have one right now.
What I Did
Vintage Window Shopping on Hawthorne Blvd
One thing I loved about Portland was Hawthorne Blvd. Lined with rows of vintage stores and coffee shops (there is no shortage of coffee in Portland), if you aren't afraid of a little rain, you can walk the street and pop in and out of boutiques like Magpie, House of Vintage, Vintage Pink, and plus-size consignment boutique Savvy Plus with friendly faces and epic finds. If you get hungry on your trek, stop by Matt's BBQ Tacos food truck for a quick bite.
Horseback Riding
Getting out of the city was important to me since Portland is known for its green lush backdrop and hiking trails. You all know how much I love an Airbnb experience, so I took a rideshare to North Plains (17 miles from Portland). As my driver swerved around the windy roads, I got a little nervous about getting back, but that wasn't an issue. Thirty-seven minutes later, we arrived at the ranch where I was going to take my first horseback riding lesson. Lisa and Jon were my guides. I walked the grounds, interacted with the horses, and learned about the remarkable creatures.
Then, it was time to learn to ride. If I'm honest, I was terrified. While horses are gentle giants, I still was fearful, but Jon and Lisa did an excellent job of giving me the knowledge to help alleviate the fear and encouraged me to let them know if I was nervous.
Arnold was my horse. I helped brush his silky coat (they shed as it gets warmer) and then Lisa got him ready to ride! My nerves kicked in, so I could walk him around the bard for a bit first. We walked around the barn, and Arnold let me be his guide, but I still wasn't quite ready to ride. But, I did face part of my fear by climbing on Arnold's back, which felt like a small victory. I hope to keep working with horses to get more comfortable with them, but this first is an experience I will always cherish.
Portland is now one of my new favorite cities. It was more than I expected and I can't wait to get back and see more! Next, the time I'll have to remember to pack my denim with lots of stretch and an umbrella.
Featured image by Getty Images
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RELATED
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
Article continues after the video.
*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
Giphy“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
Giphy“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
Giphy“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
Giphy“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
Giphy“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
Giphy“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
Giphy“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
Giphy“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
____
As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
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