
I've Got 7 IRL Takeaways From The 'Pop The Balloon' Dating Show, Chile.

Whew. When I tell y’all that it truly never fails that, at least twice a year, something will come around that totally catches me off guard as far as how it’s able to grasp and then hold my attention? Words truly cannot express. And, as you can see from the title of this, in this season, one of those things is the internet-hit dating showPop the Balloon.
If you’ve never seen it before (if you’re online at all, is that even possible that this point?!), the co-creator is a woman by the name of Arlette Amuli who also happens to be the host. If you go to her YouTube page, the first thing that you will probably notice is her (absolutely beautiful) wedding video from a couple of years back and so, I’m assuming that since she found her own beloved, she wanted to provide a fun and entertaining way for others to do the same.
Now, as far as how smoothly all of that goes? Well, I’ll put it to you this way: when The New York Times published an article on Pop the Balloon earlier this summer, their headline was “Like a Firing Squad, but for Romantic Rejection.” LOL. And although, it pretty much depends on who you ask if it’s as mentally and emotionally drastic as all of that, what I will say is if you choose to view the show beyond something to do while on your lunch break or something to take your internalized irritation out on after a long week, you might just learn a few tips on how to “fine tune” your own approach to dating.
And that’s where my personal top IRL (in real life) takeaways from the show actually come in…
1. Double Standards Are Always Gonna Look/Sound Ridiculous
Listen, I have watched enough Pop the Balloon episodes to know that if there is one thing that I am going to see, on loop, pretty much every time are double standards — both ways. Women think it’s cool to ask complete strangers how much money they make while they are appalled that a guy would ask about their body count (both questions are hella rude, by the way). Men don’t like wigs and weaves and yet think that women are being “difficult” if they don’t like locs or would prefer a lineup on a beard.
And can somebody please tell me how and why it’s cool to tease men for not being 6’ tall (only 15 percent of American men are) and yet, somehow, it’s misogyny abundant for a man to not want a woman who is in a certain weight class — aren’t they both preferences?
Examples of this are when social media commenters were just fine with this woman at around the 34:22 mark of this episode who said that a guy was too thin and yet were pissed when a guy at the 17:11 mark of this episode said that he popped his balloon because the woman’s weight wasn’t what he was attracted to (humans are something else — LOL). And while we’re here, for so many women to take issue with submitting these days, they sure do want to (physically) look up at men a lot — interesting. Also, while we’re here, a guy is not short if you are 5’4”, in four-inch heels, and he is 5’11”. Please let’s stop the madness.
And since this ridiculous kind of rhetoric is something that I see, hear, and notice, both online and off, I thought that a great place to start with this particular article is it’s really important to not have double standards while dating. At the end of the day, they create this sense of delusional entitlement that is pretty ridiculous.
Why? Because what you’re essentially saying is “I should have what I want, just because, but you shouldn’t because I don’t agree with it.” And when does that kind of mindset ever really work out for the betterment of a relationship? Moving on.
2. Please Have Realistic Expectations
Earlier this year, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “Okay, So Here's What You Need To Know About the '6-6-6' Man”. If you’re not familiar, that’s the kind of man who is at least 6’ tall, has at least 6” (of yes, that), and makes six figures. Now, if only 15 percent of men in this country are 6’ or taller, you can only imagine how rare a 6-6-6 guy (especially a single one) is (in walks, “The (Dating) Delusion Calculator. Let's Discuss.”).
And that’s why it always tickles me whenever a tall guy walks onto the Pop the Balloon platform (like this one at around the 34:52 mark ofthis episode) and gets passes on things that shorter men will not (like cornrows, jeans, etc.) just because he’s tall. And a lot of us, we’re the same way in the real world. If someone catches our eye or is our visual type (check out “According To Experts, We All Have A 'Type'”), we’ll let all kinds of stuff slide, including initial red (or orange or yellow) flags.
And where does the “unrealistic expectations” part come in with this point? Well, this time, I’m approaching it with a bit of a twist. For sure, two indications of having unrealistic expectations are you’re expecting a perfect individual (when you yourself aren’t that) or you’re not even a little bit flexible (which, according to many mental health experts, is a literal indication of having unrealistic expectations) when it comes to your list of wants in a relationship.
However, another example of having unrealistic expectations is when your expectations don’t make sense to the general public. Like this episode at around the 12:02 mark where the young woman said that she wants a man who takes care of her and her friends (girl, what?) or shoot, damn near the entire episode of 19 which featured men and women who said, “You’re super attractive just not my kind of attractive.” Or this episode here at the 1:06:00 mark where the last woman was rude and seemed to lack self-awareness, pretty much the entire time because she didn’t like that men didn’t find her being (self-admittedly) tipsy on set as attractive (wonder what her thoughts would be if the dynamics were flipped).
If the things that you’re expecting from someone else are what you would side-eye them about if they had the same expectations of you, you are being unrealistic in your expectations. Are you gonna cover the tab for a guy and all of his friends? If you’re attractive and someone says, “I just don’t think I’m attracted attracted” — doesn’t that sound a bit…unnecessarily complicated?
Don’t let these shows have you out here thinking that you can Build-A-Bear a man — that it really is as simple as picking flawlessness from an assembly line of guys. That is delusional thinking at its finest.
3. Ain’t Nothin’ Wrong with Vetting Via Social Media First
Since I don’t have any social media accounts, I was a bit late to the game when it comes to even knowing about Pop the Balloon. That said, since I’m the type of person who likes to give credit where credit is due, my first time really taking it semi-seriously was after watching YouTuber Mediocre Tutorials and Reviews dissecting some episodes. Apparently, one of the things that he does whenever a woman first introduces herself is look up her Instagram handle to check out if her digital footprint actually lines up with how she presents herself on the show —and I get why that would be a wise move.
Before I get into why, I already know what some of you are thinking: people lie on social media all of the time and that would be beyond correct. In fact, one article I read (hey, don’t shoot the messenger) said that millennials do it more than any other living generation with Gen Z not being too far behind — and the motive is all about trying to impress people.
Still, just like many employers look at prospective employees’ social media accounts to see how they conduct themselves (and even how commenters interact with them because that can reveal additional intel, believe it or not), before going on an official date with someone, it can’t hurt to do the same thing and for the same reason — ‘cause hey, even if they do prove themselves to be dishonest in real life, at least you can call them out on it because you already had something to go on via the internet presentation. And that gives you reason to, at the very least, put your guard up, moving forward.
4. Don’t Dish Out What You Can’t Take. Then Rinse and Repeat.
Oh, so many episodes to choose from but, when it comes to this particular point, this (above) is the one that immediately came to mind. I think it’s because if you go around the 20:00 timestamp, this young lady is telling a man that “women are gonna women,” so he shouldn’t take issues with faux lashes, etc. (I also peeped how at around 15:29, she self-professed that she’s “a lot” and then popped her own balloon towards the end of another round at the 40:40 because she thought the guy wasn’t “strong enough” because she needs someone to “pull her in”…whew, chile) and then around the 32:32 timestamp, another young lady literally says to a man, “I like mustaches, I just don’t like yours.”
Now why should one man be ridiculed for his preferences while another should take a woman’s preferences with grace?The hypocrisy is truly all over the place.
And yet, probably why ish like this is so annoying to watch is because, unfortunately, it happens just as much in real life, wouldn’t you say? A great example? Somehow, it’s wisdom for women not to date single fathers and yet, when a man doesn’t want to date a single mom, somehow the word “misogynist” almost always finds its way into the discourse (funny how I don’t see misandry brought up as if that’s not a real thing as well. Hmm…).
There is plenty of data out in cyberspace to support the fact that social media is creating more and more narcissists by the day and three signature traits of narcissism is wanting admiration, can’t take criticism, and feeling entitled, and like you’re more exceptional than others.
That said, if you think that you can tell someone what you don’t like about them and then act like they committed some sort of unpardonable sin for telling you what they don’t like about you — not only could you be leaning into narcissism but you’re also revealing that you really suck at dishing out what you cannot take. And, one way or another, that is gonna bite you in the butter — if not immediately, eventually.
5. Games Are Just That
I always like it when I can find a way to weave a throwback song into my content, and when it comes to this particular point, “Games” by Chuckki Booker wins:
Would you be with me if I had nothing
If I couldn't buy you something
Now you've got your share
And look who's paying
I got your thing together
And you're not staying
I've worked hard
To get the things I have, ooh, oh
I've worked hard
To get the things you need
And I wanna know
Why you wanna play on me?
Why you wanna play your games on me?
I’ll admit that sometimes I get more “triggered” by Pop the Balloon than I actually should. The reason why I choose to frame it that way is that, even though I couldn’t possibly guess the motives for why each contestant comes onto the show (although A LOT of people seem to do it for nothing more than clout), what I do have to keep in mind is it’s pretty much a dating-themed game show at the end of the day — and games are for entertainment purposes more than anything else.
That’s actually why I find it wild that some folks are still emotionally invested in The Bachelor/The Bachelorette franchise or even Married at First Sight at this point. Ever check out the success rate of the couples on those shows? It ain’t even a little bit impressive (read more about that here and here). Oh, and speaking of The Bachelor, you’re in for a real treat if you never got to watch Lifetime’s UnREAL show from back in the day. Rumor has it that former producers from The Bachelor helped to write the scripts and chile…CHILE. Anyway, it’s on Tubi (at least for now). You can check out all four seasons here.
Okay, so all of this dating content that’s on television, streaming channels, and the web? Again, if anyone can find a genuine connection out of them, more power to them— and I mean that sincerely (shout-out to MAFS’ Woody and Amani Randall, for example).
For the most part, though, it’s all a form of game-playing and, in the real world, relationships shouldn’t be treated that way (which is why the approach to dating shouldn’t automatically mimic what you see via that type of programming). And what are some clear signs that someone is playing mind games when it comes to relationships (or potential relationships)?
They gaslight.They love bomb. They are inconsistent with their communication. They send mixed signals. They aren’t clear about where things are or are going — oh, I could go on and on with this one.
Anyway, the biggest takeaway with this point is always to remember that the objective of playing a game is for there to be a winner and a loser at the end of it. Love isn’t like that — not real, healthy, and genuine love. Neither is the process towards getting to it when both people have the right motives. Do you? Does he?
6. Become What You Want
This will be the shortest point of all of my points because its title really covers everything. If you want a man who has good credit, make sure that you do. If guys want a woman who is wise in her sexual-related decisions, they should live the same way. It really is wild — and by that I mean, flat-out crazy — that I can watch shows like Pop the Balloon and people will look at someone crazy for not having a ton of money in their bank account or for not rocking a six-pack…when they don’t.
Listen, if in your mind, it should be a sign of maturity and evolution for someone to have their sh-t together while you don’t — how are you not boldly and totally contradicting yourself? Honestly, living by the motto that you should strive to become what you want in someone else? It’s what helps you to take a mature and even humble approach to dating because if you want others to give you grace for being a “work in progress,” you damn sure need to extend them the same courtesy. Well, if you want karma to be kind to you in the dating world, that is.
And that brings me to my final point.
7. Do You Desire a “Date”? Or an Actual Relationship?
Sometimes, while watching a Pop the Balloon episode, I will roll my eyes all the way in the back of my head because it’s beyond evident that the some of the women just want some high-end date that they can post on their IG page and the guys just want a Coke-bottle that they can try to have sex with as soon as possible. The main thing that makes it all hella evident is the kind of questions that are asked: they’re super superficial and that causes me to think that “they” aren’t looking for love or anything even close to that. It’s all basically an act of opportunism.
And that’s why I’m going to close all of this out with my final takeaway being that, whenever you watch shows like Pop the Balloon and you find yourself wanting to take the same approach that the contestants do, first ask yourself if you desire nothing more than a one-and-done date or do you want something much deeper and fulfilling than that?
If it’s the latter, that’s why I’ve penned articles for the platform before like “6 Things To Discuss On The Second Date. If Either Of You Is A Single Parent.,” “A Male Relationship Coach Shares 7 Questions Women Should Ask Men On The Third Date,” “7 Things People Don't Take Seriously Enough When They First Start Dating Someone,” and “The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have.”
Because, while some folks are wasting time trying to figure out if a guy is at least five inches taller than them when their heels are on (SMDH), people who are serious about making a real connection know that there are far bigger fish to fry than that, chile. In other words, in order to have a deep connection with someone, you need to actually…go deep(er). Yes, deeper than easily 60 percent of the folks tend to do on Pop the Balloon.
____
Is the show close to addicting? Well, I know that I’ve personally spent a couple of hours more than I planned to while talking back to my PC monitor — a few times. LOL. Bottom line, just make sure that it’s more entertainment and even a low-key cautionary tale than anything else.
The search for love requires more than just being uncompromising about how a random stranger looks or having a set of expectations that seem like you want to live out a scripted rom-com rather than actually share a life with an actual human being.
A solid relationship doesn’t come from balloons that you don’t pop. Things of value are never that simple. In real life, leave that mentality to the internet world — not your own, sis. Something tells me that you’ll thank me later, if you do.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
We All Mess Up Sometimes. But Can You Trust A Friend's Apology?
Although what I mostly deal with when it comes to the clients that I have is romantic relationships, there are definitely times when other topics come up. For instance, recently, someone was talking to me about some drama that they were going through with a friend of theirs. Emotionally, they felt like they were in a bit of a bind because while, on one hand, they had been friends with this individual for over 15 years at this point, on the other, there were certain things that they had done, more than once, that were starting to take its toll.
When I asked my client if they had clearly articulated their feelings, concerns, and boundaries to that individual, they admitted that they hadn’t.
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
Sometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
One day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
Now that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
If you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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