
I've Got 7 IRL Takeaways From The 'Pop The Balloon' Dating Show, Chile.

Whew. When I tell y’all that it truly never fails that, at least twice a year, something will come around that totally catches me off guard as far as how it’s able to grasp and then hold my attention? Words truly cannot express. And, as you can see from the title of this, in this season, one of those things is the internet-hit dating showPop the Balloon.
If you’ve never seen it before (if you’re online at all, is that even possible that this point?!), the co-creator is a woman by the name of Arlette Amuli who also happens to be the host. If you go to her YouTube page, the first thing that you will probably notice is her (absolutely beautiful) wedding video from a couple of years back and so, I’m assuming that since she found her own beloved, she wanted to provide a fun and entertaining way for others to do the same.
Now, as far as how smoothly all of that goes? Well, I’ll put it to you this way: when The New York Times published an article on Pop the Balloon earlier this summer, their headline was “Like a Firing Squad, but for Romantic Rejection.” LOL. And although, it pretty much depends on who you ask if it’s as mentally and emotionally drastic as all of that, what I will say is if you choose to view the show beyond something to do while on your lunch break or something to take your internalized irritation out on after a long week, you might just learn a few tips on how to “fine tune” your own approach to dating.
And that’s where my personal top IRL (in real life) takeaways from the show actually come in…
1. Double Standards Are Always Gonna Look/Sound Ridiculous
Listen, I have watched enough Pop the Balloon episodes to know that if there is one thing that I am going to see, on loop, pretty much every time are double standards — both ways. Women think it’s cool to ask complete strangers how much money they make while they are appalled that a guy would ask about their body count (both questions are hella rude, by the way). Men don’t like wigs and weaves and yet think that women are being “difficult” if they don’t like locs or would prefer a lineup on a beard.
And can somebody please tell me how and why it’s cool to tease men for not being 6’ tall (only 15 percent of American men are) and yet, somehow, it’s misogyny abundant for a man to not want a woman who is in a certain weight class — aren’t they both preferences?
Examples of this are when social media commenters were just fine with this woman at around the 34:22 mark of this episode who said that a guy was too thin and yet were pissed when a guy at the 17:11 mark of this episode said that he popped his balloon because the woman’s weight wasn’t what he was attracted to (humans are something else — LOL). And while we’re here, for so many women to take issue with submitting these days, they sure do want to (physically) look up at men a lot — interesting. Also, while we’re here, a guy is not short if you are 5’4”, in four-inch heels, and he is 5’11”. Please let’s stop the madness.
And since this ridiculous kind of rhetoric is something that I see, hear, and notice, both online and off, I thought that a great place to start with this particular article is it’s really important to not have double standards while dating. At the end of the day, they create this sense of delusional entitlement that is pretty ridiculous.
Why? Because what you’re essentially saying is “I should have what I want, just because, but you shouldn’t because I don’t agree with it.” And when does that kind of mindset ever really work out for the betterment of a relationship? Moving on.
2. Please Have Realistic Expectations
Earlier this year, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “Okay, So Here's What You Need To Know About the '6-6-6' Man”. If you’re not familiar, that’s the kind of man who is at least 6’ tall, has at least 6” (of yes, that), and makes six figures. Now, if only 15 percent of men in this country are 6’ or taller, you can only imagine how rare a 6-6-6 guy (especially a single one) is (in walks, “The (Dating) Delusion Calculator. Let's Discuss.”).
And that’s why it always tickles me whenever a tall guy walks onto the Pop the Balloon platform (like this one at around the 34:52 mark ofthis episode) and gets passes on things that shorter men will not (like cornrows, jeans, etc.) just because he’s tall. And a lot of us, we’re the same way in the real world. If someone catches our eye or is our visual type (check out “According To Experts, We All Have A 'Type'”), we’ll let all kinds of stuff slide, including initial red (or orange or yellow) flags.
And where does the “unrealistic expectations” part come in with this point? Well, this time, I’m approaching it with a bit of a twist. For sure, two indications of having unrealistic expectations are you’re expecting a perfect individual (when you yourself aren’t that) or you’re not even a little bit flexible (which, according to many mental health experts, is a literal indication of having unrealistic expectations) when it comes to your list of wants in a relationship.
However, another example of having unrealistic expectations is when your expectations don’t make sense to the general public. Like this episode at around the 12:02 mark where the young woman said that she wants a man who takes care of her and her friends (girl, what?) or shoot, damn near the entire episode of 19 which featured men and women who said, “You’re super attractive just not my kind of attractive.” Or this episode here at the 1:06:00 mark where the last woman was rude and seemed to lack self-awareness, pretty much the entire time because she didn’t like that men didn’t find her being (self-admittedly) tipsy on set as attractive (wonder what her thoughts would be if the dynamics were flipped).
If the things that you’re expecting from someone else are what you would side-eye them about if they had the same expectations of you, you are being unrealistic in your expectations. Are you gonna cover the tab for a guy and all of his friends? If you’re attractive and someone says, “I just don’t think I’m attracted attracted” — doesn’t that sound a bit…unnecessarily complicated?
Don’t let these shows have you out here thinking that you can Build-A-Bear a man — that it really is as simple as picking flawlessness from an assembly line of guys. That is delusional thinking at its finest.
3. Ain’t Nothin’ Wrong with Vetting Via Social Media First
Since I don’t have any social media accounts, I was a bit late to the game when it comes to even knowing about Pop the Balloon. That said, since I’m the type of person who likes to give credit where credit is due, my first time really taking it semi-seriously was after watching YouTuber Mediocre Tutorials and Reviews dissecting some episodes. Apparently, one of the things that he does whenever a woman first introduces herself is look up her Instagram handle to check out if her digital footprint actually lines up with how she presents herself on the show —and I get why that would be a wise move.
Before I get into why, I already know what some of you are thinking: people lie on social media all of the time and that would be beyond correct. In fact, one article I read (hey, don’t shoot the messenger) said that millennials do it more than any other living generation with Gen Z not being too far behind — and the motive is all about trying to impress people.
Still, just like many employers look at prospective employees’ social media accounts to see how they conduct themselves (and even how commenters interact with them because that can reveal additional intel, believe it or not), before going on an official date with someone, it can’t hurt to do the same thing and for the same reason — ‘cause hey, even if they do prove themselves to be dishonest in real life, at least you can call them out on it because you already had something to go on via the internet presentation. And that gives you reason to, at the very least, put your guard up, moving forward.
4. Don’t Dish Out What You Can’t Take. Then Rinse and Repeat.
Oh, so many episodes to choose from but, when it comes to this particular point, this (above) is the one that immediately came to mind. I think it’s because if you go around the 20:00 timestamp, this young lady is telling a man that “women are gonna women,” so he shouldn’t take issues with faux lashes, etc. (I also peeped how at around 15:29, she self-professed that she’s “a lot” and then popped her own balloon towards the end of another round at the 40:40 because she thought the guy wasn’t “strong enough” because she needs someone to “pull her in”…whew, chile) and then around the 32:32 timestamp, another young lady literally says to a man, “I like mustaches, I just don’t like yours.”
Now why should one man be ridiculed for his preferences while another should take a woman’s preferences with grace?The hypocrisy is truly all over the place.
And yet, probably why ish like this is so annoying to watch is because, unfortunately, it happens just as much in real life, wouldn’t you say? A great example? Somehow, it’s wisdom for women not to date single fathers and yet, when a man doesn’t want to date a single mom, somehow the word “misogynist” almost always finds its way into the discourse (funny how I don’t see misandry brought up as if that’s not a real thing as well. Hmm…).
There is plenty of data out in cyberspace to support the fact that social media is creating more and more narcissists by the day and three signature traits of narcissism is wanting admiration, can’t take criticism, and feeling entitled, and like you’re more exceptional than others.
That said, if you think that you can tell someone what you don’t like about them and then act like they committed some sort of unpardonable sin for telling you what they don’t like about you — not only could you be leaning into narcissism but you’re also revealing that you really suck at dishing out what you cannot take. And, one way or another, that is gonna bite you in the butter — if not immediately, eventually.
5. Games Are Just That
I always like it when I can find a way to weave a throwback song into my content, and when it comes to this particular point, “Games” by Chuckki Booker wins:
Would you be with me if I had nothing
If I couldn't buy you something
Now you've got your share
And look who's paying
I got your thing together
And you're not staying
I've worked hard
To get the things I have, ooh, oh
I've worked hard
To get the things you need
And I wanna know
Why you wanna play on me?
Why you wanna play your games on me?
I’ll admit that sometimes I get more “triggered” by Pop the Balloon than I actually should. The reason why I choose to frame it that way is that, even though I couldn’t possibly guess the motives for why each contestant comes onto the show (although A LOT of people seem to do it for nothing more than clout), what I do have to keep in mind is it’s pretty much a dating-themed game show at the end of the day — and games are for entertainment purposes more than anything else.
That’s actually why I find it wild that some folks are still emotionally invested in The Bachelor/The Bachelorette franchise or even Married at First Sight at this point. Ever check out the success rate of the couples on those shows? It ain’t even a little bit impressive (read more about that here and here). Oh, and speaking of The Bachelor, you’re in for a real treat if you never got to watch Lifetime’s UnREAL show from back in the day. Rumor has it that former producers from The Bachelor helped to write the scripts and chile…CHILE. Anyway, it’s on Tubi (at least for now). You can check out all four seasons here.
Okay, so all of this dating content that’s on television, streaming channels, and the web? Again, if anyone can find a genuine connection out of them, more power to them— and I mean that sincerely (shout-out to MAFS’ Woody and Amani Randall, for example).
For the most part, though, it’s all a form of game-playing and, in the real world, relationships shouldn’t be treated that way (which is why the approach to dating shouldn’t automatically mimic what you see via that type of programming). And what are some clear signs that someone is playing mind games when it comes to relationships (or potential relationships)?
They gaslight.They love bomb. They are inconsistent with their communication. They send mixed signals. They aren’t clear about where things are or are going — oh, I could go on and on with this one.
Anyway, the biggest takeaway with this point is always to remember that the objective of playing a game is for there to be a winner and a loser at the end of it. Love isn’t like that — not real, healthy, and genuine love. Neither is the process towards getting to it when both people have the right motives. Do you? Does he?
6. Become What You Want
This will be the shortest point of all of my points because its title really covers everything. If you want a man who has good credit, make sure that you do. If guys want a woman who is wise in her sexual-related decisions, they should live the same way. It really is wild — and by that I mean, flat-out crazy — that I can watch shows like Pop the Balloon and people will look at someone crazy for not having a ton of money in their bank account or for not rocking a six-pack…when they don’t.
Listen, if in your mind, it should be a sign of maturity and evolution for someone to have their sh-t together while you don’t — how are you not boldly and totally contradicting yourself? Honestly, living by the motto that you should strive to become what you want in someone else? It’s what helps you to take a mature and even humble approach to dating because if you want others to give you grace for being a “work in progress,” you damn sure need to extend them the same courtesy. Well, if you want karma to be kind to you in the dating world, that is.
And that brings me to my final point.
7. Do You Desire a “Date”? Or an Actual Relationship?
Sometimes, while watching a Pop the Balloon episode, I will roll my eyes all the way in the back of my head because it’s beyond evident that the some of the women just want some high-end date that they can post on their IG page and the guys just want a Coke-bottle that they can try to have sex with as soon as possible. The main thing that makes it all hella evident is the kind of questions that are asked: they’re super superficial and that causes me to think that “they” aren’t looking for love or anything even close to that. It’s all basically an act of opportunism.
And that’s why I’m going to close all of this out with my final takeaway being that, whenever you watch shows like Pop the Balloon and you find yourself wanting to take the same approach that the contestants do, first ask yourself if you desire nothing more than a one-and-done date or do you want something much deeper and fulfilling than that?
If it’s the latter, that’s why I’ve penned articles for the platform before like “6 Things To Discuss On The Second Date. If Either Of You Is A Single Parent.,” “A Male Relationship Coach Shares 7 Questions Women Should Ask Men On The Third Date,” “7 Things People Don't Take Seriously Enough When They First Start Dating Someone,” and “The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have.”
Because, while some folks are wasting time trying to figure out if a guy is at least five inches taller than them when their heels are on (SMDH), people who are serious about making a real connection know that there are far bigger fish to fry than that, chile. In other words, in order to have a deep connection with someone, you need to actually…go deep(er). Yes, deeper than easily 60 percent of the folks tend to do on Pop the Balloon.
____
Is the show close to addicting? Well, I know that I’ve personally spent a couple of hours more than I planned to while talking back to my PC monitor — a few times. LOL. Bottom line, just make sure that it’s more entertainment and even a low-key cautionary tale than anything else.
The search for love requires more than just being uncompromising about how a random stranger looks or having a set of expectations that seem like you want to live out a scripted rom-com rather than actually share a life with an actual human being.
A solid relationship doesn’t come from balloons that you don’t pop. Things of value are never that simple. In real life, leave that mentality to the internet world — not your own, sis. Something tells me that you’ll thank me later, if you do.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Your April 2025 Horoscopes Are All About Softening Into Love & Speaking Your Truth
April is a month to slow down and to fully grasp what has been. The month starts in fiery Aries Season, but we are also in the thick of Retrograde Season as we begin the month as well. Thankfully, Mercury finally goes direct on April 7, after being retrograde mid-March, and communication matters are clearing up. This is a month of mental clarity, a fresh start, and not being afraid to dream a little bigger.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, and this Full Moon brings relationship and financial matters full circle. This is the time to let go of what doesn’t make you feel balanced or in harmony and to create space for more peace to enter your life. Venus goes direct in Pisces on the same day, after being retrograde since March 1, and love is healing. With Venus now direct, there are more opportunities for commitment and longevity in love, and there is overall a greater feeling of romance, receptivity, and compassion in the air now.
Mercury enters Aries from April 16 until May 10, and what you were trying to see through or understand better while Mercury was retrograde here last month, you are experiencing a breakthrough now. Mercury in Aries is insightful and courageous, and people are more likely to speak their minds and initiate conversation with this energy. Mars then enters Leo from April 18 until June 17, reminding us that sometimes it’s okay to be a little more selfish and to focus on what you need right now. Mars in Leo brings forth confidence, creativity, and passion, and brings an exciting energy to charge of your life and advocate for yourself.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, bringing some earth sign energy into the mix, grounding and nurturing what you are creating in your life right now. On April 27, we have a New Moon in Taurus, and this is an abundant and fruitful New Moon. This is one of the best New Moons of the year for you to set your intentions for your financial world and a time for seeing new opportunities for abundance. On the last day of the month, Venus moves into Aries until June 6th, and love requires a little more passion, independence, and excitement during this time.
Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
ARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
The Full Moon in Libra on April 12 will be a time to devote your energy to self-care, close loved ones, and overall getting some time to decompress. You are ready to let go of the things that don’t make you feel safe or nurtured and are receiving an emotional renewal right now. The New Moon in Taurus at the end of the month is a time to focus on your intentions on your community, friendships, and aspirations in life, and to pay attention to where you can create more abundance here.
LEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
On April 18, Mars enters your sign until June 17, and this is huge for you. You began the year with Mars retrograde in your sign, so you are getting the opportunity now, to rewrite some of the things that weren’t working for you at the beginning of the year. You are overcoming previous obstacles, and experiencing a breakthrough in your life this month. Before April ends, there is a New Moon in Taurus, highlighting your career, reputation, and professional life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for what goals you want to come to fruition for you now.
VIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
SCORPIO
April is a month of success, progress, and dreams coming to fruition, Scorpio. You are focused on your health, your priorities, and creating space for the new beginnings that you are creating in your life right now. The Full Moon mid-month is a big closure moment for you, and you are owning the fact that you have healed and you are no longer the same person you were in the past. This is a month of stepping into your power and feeling supported in doing so.
Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus, which will be highlighting your health and what your body needs more of right now. This is a New Moon to set your intentions for your everyday life and to create a new, beneficial routine that will make things easier for you at the end of the day. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 9th house of adventure, and you are leaving the month with your sights set high. Travel plans are likely, and this is a good time to create some new plans for yourself.
CAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation mid-month and will be fueling your need for some change, excitement, and emotional rejuvenation over the next month and a half. You are entering an impactful moment of the year for you, and you are motivated toward change right now. The New Moon at the end of the month is in a fellow earth sign, highlighting the romantic new beginnings you are entering now. Overall, this month is a process, and you are opening new doors while finding gratitude in what is here for you now.
AQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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Hmph. I know there has got to be at least three times a week when our grandparents will hear about something that folks present as being revolutionary that causes them to just roll their eyes, shrug their shoulders, and continue to go on with whatever they were doing. Listen, call it old-fashioned thinking if you want to but if you want to avoid a lot of unnecessary regret in this life, hang out with your elders (and actually listen to what they are saying) sometimes — they’ve already been where you are and, since when it comes to them, you can’t say the same, you just might get a few gems (in fact, I can almost guarantee it).
Take sobergasms, for instance. Oh, I’m willing to bet that a senior in your life has mentioned them, just in another way, before. If you’ve never heard of the term, it’s actually a pretty good one because it means just what you think it does: SOBER ORGASMS. And just to make sure that we all are on the same page, it’s sex — that hopefully includes orgasms — that involves very little to no alcohol.
I thought that it was important to address this term for a couple of different reasons. One is for the reason that is mentioned in the origin story of sobergasms that I will address in just a sec. Another is because…people who are in long-term committed relationships? I think it’s pretty safe to say that, unless they both have some sort of substance abuse situation going on, most of them have sex some, if not most of the time, without alcohol (and certainly without drunkenness) being involved. Those who engage in casual/recreational sex, though? Well, I’ve got some stats included in this piece that will show you how much alcohol and copulation go hand in hand in a lot of those instances.
And although some studies say that casual sex (i.e., hook-up culture) isn’t quite as rampant as it was, even just a few years ago, at the same time, let’s not act like it isn’t still happening. Hell, every time we hop on social media, we see evidence (and sometimes fallout) of that. Plus, while many people are out here declaring that they don’t want or need marriage anymore (chile) — do you hear them saying that they feel the same way about sex?Yeah…exactly.
With all of this being said, let’s take a moment to look into what sobergasms are really all about and why, if you are sexually active and are not in anything serious, you should strongly consider having (more of) them.
The Origin Story of Sobergasms Is…
Aight, so here’s the backstory of sobergasms. Last year, right around the holiday season, the sexual wellness brand Lovehoney decided to partner up with an alcohol-free drink company (CleanCo) to create a mocktail (I will share the recipe in just a sec) — you know, a cocktail that doesn’t have any alcohol in it. They did it because their UK (where they are based) research revealed that people tend to drink almost 40 percent more during the holidays (in the US, Americans reportedly drink twice as much as they usually do around that time).
If you add to that the fact that Lovehoney conducted their own study which cited that 64 percent of participants have admitted to having sex while being intoxicated and yet only 20 percent said that they actually enjoyed it.
And that was the main motivation for why Lovehoney came up with sobergasms: it’s a way to encourage people to be more intentional about going without drinking (so much) so that they can engage in the kind of sex that they will actually find to be pleasurable; especially since their findings also discovered that only 29 percent of men and 11 percent of women have consistent orgasms when they are drunk compared to 45 percent of men and 15 percent of women who do when they are sober.
As I thought about all of this, I decided to go on my own fact-finding mission about alcohol and its relationship to sex. It helped me to come up with even more reasons to cosign on sobergasms — and I’m hoping that it will do the same thing for you.
Before I share 10 interesting stats, first, the recipe for the mocktail that Lovehoney and CleanCo came up with:
Sobergasm Clean Drink
25ml fresh lime juice
50ml CleanCo Clean T
1 tbsp fresh orange juice
1 tbsp hot honey
Sea salt, chili flakes, and lime for garnish
You can click here for thorough instructions on how to make it. Over on this side of the pond, we’re pretty big on mocktails ourselves and so, if you'd like to test out some other recipes, check out “10 Spring/Summer Cocktails (& Mocktails) That Your Vagina Will Truly Enjoy” and “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too.”
And while you’re pondering which mocktail you would actually like to try first, let’s get into some other reasons why oftentimes “less is best” when it comes to mixing sexual activity with alcohol consumption.
10 Stats to Keep in Mind When It Comes to Mixing Sex with Alcohol
When it comes to how many people partake in alcoholic beverages, Gallup cites that 65 percent of Americans who are over the age of 21 claim to do so. Out of those, the average amount of drinks that they consume on a weekly basis is around four. The preferred drink of choice? Wine (31-35 percent) with liquor being a close second (30 percent). Now factor all of this into your mind as you read the following information about alcohol and its relationship to sex:
1. One study revealed that almost 30 percent of participants were less safe when it came to their sexual decisions due to them having alcohol in their system.
2. About half of the sexual assaults that happen on college campuses involve alcohol whether it’s the perpetrator, the victim, or both.
3. Among college-aged women, when they are having sex while in a relationship, alcohol is involved 20 percent of the time. When it’s casual sex? Alcohol is involved 53 percent of the time (heavy drinking happened a whopping 36 percent of the time).
4. 42 percent of college students binge drink and 400,000 of them have sex without using a condom while consuming alcohol.
5.One study revealed that almost 72 percent of college students regretted their sexual decisions at least once. Out of the ones surveyed, almost 32 percent said that alcohol was involved when they did.
6.Of people aged 18-25, more individuals regretted having sex while having alcohol in their system than they did when it came to weed or ecstasy.
7. Women tend to participate in “non-traditional” sexual acts and masturbate more when they are intoxicated than when they are sober.
8. Although a small amount of alcohol in a woman’s system can arouse them sexually, high amounts will decrease it and can even make it harder for them to become naturally lubricated.
9. Alcohol increases the probability of having more sex partners for women.
10. Alcohol can make it more challenging for women to climax.
When you take all of this in, although I certainly appreciate how Lovehoney has brought to our attention that too much alcohol can make sex less physically pleasurable, as you can see, it can also make coitus more risky, potentially more dangerous and it can cause us to make some pretty unwise decisions, if we’re not careful as well.
And so honestly, this additional intel should further solidify why you should be uber cautious and super careful if you are going to bring alcohol into the picture when it comes to having sex with another person — again, especially if it’s recreational sex. Because even though intercourse, on average, lasts between 3-7 minutes (Google is right there), that small window of time can result in a lifetime of consequences that you may not wish to experience.
Besides, it’s not like sober sex doesn’t have its own benefits…
5 Benefits of Having Sex While You’re Completely Sober
You know what’s interesting about the word “sober”? It doesn’t just mean that you aren’t drunk; it also means that you are “rational,” “self-controlled” and “level-headed” — and yes, when you are about to have sex with someone who you aren’t in a serious, long-term or exclusive sexual relationship with, it’s best that you are all of these things. Because while alcohol can initially make you feel like sexual activity will be more fun, sober sex has the following five proven things to offer.
1. You can better trust your decisions. Recently, I watched a video of four women who taped and posted themselves driving drunk. Moments later, all of them were ejected from the vehicle that they were in and only one survived (and she is in critical condition). Imagine if they could go back in time and go without having alcohol in their system before getting in that vehicle. SMDH.
When it comes to today’s topic, no matter what pop culture tries to tell you, any act that can potentially result in you conceiving or contracting something that doesn’t have a cure is serious as all get out. That’s why, especially when it comes to casual sex, you want to make sure that you go into the act as level-headed as possible — and you can only really do that if/when you are sober.
2. You can clearly articulate your needs and expectations. We’ve all seen a movie (or personally know someone) where a woman got tipsy and wanted to do certain sexual things; however, as alcohol began to affect her system even more, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go further or not. When you’re sober, it’s so much easier to articulate what you want/don’t want and what your expectations are. T
hat said, there are so many people who have sex-related regrets and a big part of the reason is because alcohol totally clouded their judgment and sometimes altered their thoughts and words. Definitely something to (always) keep in mind when it comes to consuming alcohol in the presence of others.
3. You’re more present. I also want to make sure that I touch on some of the things that prompted Lovehoney to come up with sobergasms in the first place. As far as the purely pleasurable side of sex goes, ask anyone who has a satisfying situation in their bedroom and I’m willing to bet that one thing that they will advise is to not overthink the experience and to remain in the moment.
When you’re intoxicated, your mind tends to be all over the place. When you’re sober-minded, it’s easier to remain focused.
4. Sex definitely tends to be more pleasurable. I’ve already shared with you that you are wetter and it’s easier for you to climax when you don’t have a lot of alcohol in your system. A part of the reason is that, since your brain is your biggest sex organ, it’s important to keep in mind that alcohol has a way of negatively affecting the communication pathways of your brain; when that happens, it can cause your moods to become erratic and you tend to become less coordinated too.
Not well-lubricated. Not climaxing. In a bad mood. Do those that sound like the keys to an awesome sexual experience? Right…absolutely not.
5. There is a lot less regret. Once you have sex with someone, you can’t take it back. That’s why it’s so important that you go into the act feeling like this is something that you really want to do (the person and the acts included); you significantly decrease the chances of you having this type of certainty when you’re not sober. And sexual regret can sometimes be one of the hardest things to get past.
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Sobergasms. Although there seem to be new terms that come up daily, one that I can definitely get behind is that. Because it encourages everyone to be sober-minded and sexually responsible in order to ultimately have a more fulfilling sexual experience.
And I will certainly raise a mocktail to that.
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