Parker McKenna Posey has come along way since My Wife and Kids. Most affectionately known for her role as little Kady Kyle on the hit ABC primetime show, she now stars as Laila James, the struggling and seductive actress looking to make a name for herself on the new BET hit series Games People Play. And while Parker and Laila differ in the way they go about establishing themselves in the world, it becomes clear as we chat that Parker wasn't exempt from adversity both inside and outside of the industry.
The 23-year-old actress admits during our phone call that the journey to get here has no doubt been filled with both let-downs and lessons alike. Taking the form of an acting hiatus while she finished high school, moving out of town, enduring a toxic relationship, unsuccessful auditions, and even a car breakdown the night before her BET audition--Parker assures me that those hardships weren't and won't ever be in vain.
"There were all these obstacles that were testing me in a way, kind of asking me, 'Do you really want this?'" she tells xoNecole. "So to have my manager call me not too long after and tell me, 'Hey they want you to test,' was such an amazing feeling. It was like a sign like, 'This is what you're supposed to be doing and all your hard work has finally paid off.'"
She continues, "It's definitely been a struggle, but I'm just happy to be back working on something that I'm super proud of being a part of. I love the cast and crew, it's all been really fun."
We got the chance to catch up with Parker where we talked her new show Games People Play, evolution, and why letting go of dead weight is so important, and here's what she had to say.
Describe your role as Laila James in 'Games People Play'.
Parker McKenna Posey: Laila James is an LA girl. She's a struggling actress, which is funny. She finds out that it's not as easy as just being talented or auditioning every other day. She realizes that that may not always get the job done, so she takes matters into her own hands. She kind of uses social media to get followers and views and blackmail in a sense. She just uses it for her own gain and throughout the season she finds that all that glitters isn't gold basically. She likes the attention but I think in the end she sees it's not worth it. I think right now people will love to hate her but by the end, people will come to understand her.
Games People Play/BET
How does it feel to be back on TV screens in this way on a network like BET?
Parker: To be honest, that was another thing that was really important to me coming back on-screen. I wanted to be a part of an all-black ensemble. On top of that, just having the chance to be on this network is amazing. I know BET is trying to make a difference on their network and bring more scripted shows and great projects to their network, so to be a part of that is really amazing. And to have an EP that's a black woman and who's been doing this for over twenty years--I feel like that was just an incredible experience to work with her and to just be in the same room as her. The writers are black and I love that. That was really important to me. To be a part of a project that cares about black excellence, it's really important at this time.
You’ve definitely come a long way from ‘My Wife and Kids’. 2006 to 2019, that’s 13 years, what has life been like for you since then?
Parker: We finished in 2006, so it's definitely been a long, long time… I just put it on hold throughout high school and I just focused on graduating and doing my best in school. I was trying to have the most normal experience possible, and then after that I kind of jumped back into it. I was constantly auditioning and try to figure out what the right fit for me. I was getting offered all these roles that weren't really how I wanted to come back and start off my career.
Parker McKenna Posey as Laila James
Games People Play/BET
"To be a part of a project that cares about black excellence, it's really important at this time."
I can imagine the journey between now and then has been filled with many twists and turns. How were able to stay focused and motivated?
Parker: To be honest, acting was all I've known my whole life, you know? Even after My Wife and Kids wrapped, I did a few plays, I've done so many commercials and I've gotten actually involved with modeling--so this industry is all I've known. It's something I've always been super passionate about and I've seen that if I just never give up, I would eventually get my moment. When you follow other child actresses' lives, it doesn't always end up the best, so I definitely wanted to show up in a positive way--and show that it can definitely be done. If you believe in yourself, you can definitely do it.
The name of the show is called ‘Games People Play’ and we arguably get to see a myriad of games displayed through the lives of all of the characters in various areas. What’s something you feel our generation needs to stop playing games about?
Parker: I'm not sure, I'm glad that there is a character like Laila and even if I wasn't playing her, the fact that there is a character like her--I feel like you can learn some things. I think also because people use social media in a lot of different ways, they should see that it's not all it's cracked up to be. People suffer from depression now because we're constantly comparing our lives to the things we see all day long. So I'm glad that my character is representing our age group and how we sometimes play into the social media game. Because it's kind of sad how we base our lives off of Instagram and likes and stuff like that. It's very real, its not just based off some bullsh-t.
You were in a pretty toxic relationship last year and it was unfortunately very public. How were you able to move forward and get back to the heart of Parker?
Parker: Thankfully, I have a really good family and friends who really care about me and my well-being. I'm a normal person, I don't like to really live my life online. I like to live a private life. Last year was really different for me, I just wasn't myself. And I feel like having a good foundation, writing, reading, hearing from other people's experiences and really surrounding myself with people I could lean on--that helped me. Writing how I feel--that really helped me and praying! I've become so much more spiritual. I've always believed in God and my Dad is an Adventist so we were always at church every Saturday until we were old enough to say no (laughs).
But when you're younger, it's hard to have that relationship with God and really understand. I've gotten so much closer to God, just talking with Him and not really asking for anything but just talking to Him about everything and thanking Him for being alive and for my blessings. I really had to come home and figure out what it was I wanted to do. I had to do some soul-searching and get down to the nitty-gritty of because I kind of lost myself. I had to talk with myself, meditate, hike, I got a trainer, worked out, started eating better. You know, you don't really realize how certain relationships can even affect your outer appearance. So I really needed to focus on myself, not do anything but spend time with ME and get ME back right.
"I really had to come home and figure out what it was I wanted to do. I had to do some soul-searching and get down to the nitty-gritty of because I kind of lost myself."
We often hear a lot of established and older women talking about the importance of letting go of dead weight and baggage. Erykah Badu made a whole song about it. But why would you say it’s important for you and those of us in this generation to do the same?
Parker: I really believe in taking care of yourself and letting go of any negativity. It's important to work on your mental state. You can get so much farther in life by being strong mentally. And that can start by doing something like simply working out, it doesn't always have to mean going to therapy and telling someone all of your problems. But just starting with the inside definitely helps because it shows. If your inside is not right, then your outside is definitely not going to be 100. And you can only pretend for so long before it starts eating at you. So it's necessary to let go of that dead weight and whatever you feel is holding you back.
For more of Parker, follow her on Instagram. Catch her starring as Laila in BET's Games People Play on Tuesdays at 9.
Featured image via BET
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As I quickly ran down my “Christmas list” of desires, as I came towards the end and then looked him in the eyes (because we were walking), he calmly and simply said, “I can be that.” Chile…CHILE. It took me close to a year of discovering so many cryptic things about him for me to realize that there is a really big difference between what someone “can be” vs. who they actually are — and that oversharing can set you up for dating a character more than a genuine individual. Lesson learned. Lesson freakin’ learned.
I can’t lie, though — when I recently read about a current dating trend known as “floodlighting,” from my own personal experience, that’s probably the closest that I’ve ever come to it. I think it’s because, since I’m so open with damn near everyone and also, since my past pattern has mostly consisted of taking friendships into something more (as opposed to dating people who I barely know), I’ve never really taken the classic floodlighting approach to try and connect with someone else.
I do have clients who have, though — and the trend is concerning enough that I definitely thought that it was worth writing about; mostly as a PSA to not floodlight and also to be cautious if you sense that someone is currently in the process of trying to floodlight you.
And just what do I mean when I say that? Read on, sis. Read on.
Floodlighting. According to Author Brené Brown.
GiphyBest-selling author, podcaster, and professor Brené Brown is a pretty popular person. Since quotes are my thing, that’s probably how I “connect” with her most because I like things that she has been credited for saying like “Maybe stories are just data with a soul,” “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it” and “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
And since self-reflection is such a big part of her platform, it didn’t really surprise me when I found out that she is actually credited for coming up with the term “floodlighting.” It would seem that in her audiobook, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections, and Courage, she stated this:
“Oversharing? Not vulnerability; I call it floodlighting. ... A lot of times we share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability, and here's why.
I'm scared to let you know that I just wrote this article and I'm under total fire for it and people are making fun of me and I'm feeling hurt — the same thing that I told someone in an intimate conversation. So what I do is I floodlight you with it — I don't know you very well or I'm in front of a big group, or it's a story that I haven't processed enough to be sharing with other people — and you immediately respond ‘hands up; push me away’ and I go, ‘See? No one cares about me. No one gives a s*** that I'm hurting. I knew it.'
It's how we protect ourselves from vulnerability. We just engage in a behavior that confirms our fear.”
If that was a bit challenging to follow, what Brené is basically saying is…well, you know how sometimes you will watch a post on social media by someone you don’t know, your first reaction is something like “Ugh. TMI.” and then you may actually say some form of that in their comment section? If others join in with your sentiment, the poster may follow up with a second video about that being why they don’t share their lives — it’s because people only take shots at them for doing so. Yeah, social media? Oh, there is PLENTY of floodlighting that goes on up in there, chile.
Okay, but what would be the strategy for floodlighting if it proves to be such a risky approach to connecting with other people? According to Brené, by sharing too much information about ourselves only to then receive some level of rejection for it — it’s kind of a “hurt you before you hurt me” kind of thing.
Meaning, “I’m not the best at cultivating intimacy and so, if I overshare and you pull back, I can make you be the ‘bad guy’ for rejecting me which makes all of this a test that you failed instead of my choosing to create an authentic connection and owning my part if things don’t end up working out.”
And yes, many people do this because, at the end of the day, they aren’t very comfortable with genuine intimacy. They also do it because they don’t really get that, when it comes to intimacy, another word should be the goal instead of vulnerability anyway.
I’ll explain.
It’s Important to Remember What Vulnerability Means
GiphyAsk pretty much any of my clients about what I think about the word “vulnerable” when it comes to marriage and they’ll tell you that I am not a fan. That’s because I lean into being pretty word-literal (as far as original definitions go) and I am aware that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt,” “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.”
And y’all, for the life of me, I don’t know why anyone would choose to vow to spend their lives with an individual who they would need to be vulnerable with because, if your partner is susceptible to damaging you or they leave you open to attack or temptation — does that sound healthy to you? Yeah, me neither.
So, what word do I prefer then? Dependent. And what’s so wild to me is the fact that our culture is so used to the word “vulnerable” that many, even when it comes to their close connections, are far more uncomfortable with the word “dependent” — and boy, ain’t that a damn shame. Dependent is all that I want to be with my intimate dynamics because that’s all about “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and that is what you should do with your closest friends and definitely who you are in a romantic relationship with.
In fact, if the relationship is solid, it should be interdependent: “mutually dependent; depending on each other.” However, the thing to keep in mind with getting to the point where you can rely on someone is it takes time. While vulnerability, on some levels, can be rushed and semi-forced, dependency is an organic experience that occurs from life simply…happening.
Now keep all of this in mind as we explore how floodlighting reveals itself in a dating situation.
Floodlighting. When It Comes to Dating.
GiphyOnce I processed floodlighting, as far as dating is concerned, it actually made me think of people who have sex very quickly in the beginning of a relationship. I’m pretty sure that at least 70 percent of us know of someone who has raved about a person who they’ve only gone out on a couple of dates with. However, because they’ve already had sex with them and it was really good, suddenly, they believe that they’ve met the one.
Y’all, it truly can’t be said enough that “an oxytocin high” does not true intimacy make — oh, but because it feels amazing, it can have you out here thinking that something lasting and real has transpired when really, there hasn’t been enough moments shared or experiences had to know that for sure. However, since the sex was rushed, it can cause you to want to speed up the relationship too. It can tempt you to be like, “I mean, if we’re great in bed, surely we will be amazing in other rooms of the house too.” Floodlighting is a lot like this.
If you meet someone and you like the potential of what it could be, you might be tempted to want to, like Brené said in her book: OVERSHARE. It could be oversharing as it relates to some personal traumas that you’ve experienced. It could be oversharing as it relates to intimate details about your past relationships. It could be oversharing as it relates to your mistakes and flaws. It could be oversharing as it relates to your sex life. It could be oversharing as it relates to all of the expectations and demands (along with why) that you have.
The reason for doing this? It could be that you’re hoping the person will take it all in without any pushback which will cause you to believe that you both are immediately on the same page or it could be that you are attempting to fast-track the relationship by believing that if you share all of who you are during date one or two (or even four), they will do the same and — ding — an instant relationship.
See, more than anything else, floodlighting is a test. It’s a bit manipulative. It’s potentially stressful. And, more times than not, it ends up backfiring. And then, if it backfires, because it was a test, you can blame them for not rising up to the occasion.
Please tell me that you get how toxic this all is. For one thing, no one wants to be tested like this. Secondly, it’s unfair to expect someone to be “all in” with a person who they are just getting to know. Third, you have layers to you — all of us do — and it can be overwhelming for someone to be expected to learn, retain, and even accept all of the layers at once. Yeah, one thing that I like about the term floodlighting is it has the word “flood” in it. Water? We’re made up of mostly water, so of course, it’s good for us. Being flooded by water, though? That could harm or even destroy us.
In many ways, trying to force intimacy onto another person…it manifests in a similar way. Of course, you should share what makes you…you. A bit at a time, though, while letting time do its thing. Too much too soon is…exactly that.
How to Cultivate Healthy Intimacy in the Beginning Stages of a Relationship
GiphySo, what are some things that you can do to avoid being a floodlighter?
See your intel as privileged information.
Everything about you is special and special things should be earned. That said, as you get to know someone, OVER TIME, you’ll be able to see if they can be trusted with your thoughts, feelings and ultimately your heart — and no, that can’t happen on the first couple of dates. Y’all, it really can’t be said enough that instant chemistry doesn’t mean that intimacy should be expected to happen overnight.
In other words, just because you see the potential for something awesome with another person, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wait to see if the individual’s words and actions, consistently so, can complement the elation that you feel. Share a little. See how they respond. At another time, share a little bit more. See how they react. Rinse and repeat. Patiently and intentionally so.
Stop trying to pull stuff out of people.
There are all kinds of ways to be manipulating and controlling — and deciding that someone should move at your pace in a relationship is a way to be both things. In other words, not everyone is emotionally unavailable or immature simply because they don’t want to share every childhood experience or their relationship stories with you by date three.
No doubt, a lot of people self-sabotage something that could’ve been good because they were rushing someone to move outside of their comfort zone — knowing damn well that they would’ve had a problem with that if the shoe was on the other foot. Chill…what someone wants to tell you, they will. If they don’t? All you can — and should — do is decide if you want to move forward or not. That doesn’t require force on your part to come to that conclusion.
Nervousness is one thing. Being fearful is something else.
If the reason why you’re floodlighting is because you’re scared that people will not accept you or that they will abandon you, it really is best to put dating aside for a season and get into some therapy. Because, while being nervous about a potentially new relationship is completely understandable, being afraid of organic intimacy and then doing things that can hinder or prevent it is something completely different.
Put the tests away.
Listen, if you recall the tests that you took back in school, I have no clue why you’d want to put others through tests now that you’re a big-time adult. Tests are stressful, pressuring and sometimes, no matter how smart you are, you’re not going to perform well on them because you’re simply not a good test-taker (some of y’all will catch that later). There’s no need to “test” someone to see if they can take all of who you are. Again, time will reveal that on its own.
___
Personally, I think that floodlighting is so common that folks don’t even realize that they’re doing it or how problematic it actually is. Hopefully, this helps to shed some light.
Vulnerability tests? Uh-uh.
Seeing if someone can be depended on to care for you as you are? Relax. Time. Will. Reveal.
Now go on your date(s) and have fun. Damn. #winkLet’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
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