

I'm big on pampering. Unapologetically so too. When you think of all that it takes to be a Black person in this country and also a woman in this country, why shouldn't we make the time to indulge ourselves a little bit? Problem is, I know far too many women who barely get a facial, massage or mani/pedi, let alone set some moments aside to pamper their vagina. Yep. I said it. Pamper their vagina.
It might sound a little strange at first that there are things that you can do that will "treat your vagina with extreme kindness or luxury". Still, believe it or not, it is possible. Today, I'm gonna share 10 effective, affordable and super self-gratifying ways to help you to do just that. Make sure to send this to your girlfriends when you're done. I'm pretty sure they could use this very important info too.
1. Give Your Vagina a Massage
If the first thing that came to your mind with this one is "I mean, I masturbate", that is not really what a vaginal massage is all about. There is literally something that is called yoni massage therapy that focuses on releasing physical and emotional blockages. Some people refer to it as vaginal mapping which I actually wrote about last fall (check out "Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey"). Very similar to standard massages, you can pay to have a professional one done or you can do it yourself. Either way, taking out the time to gingerly caress your vagina, simply for the sake of releasing stress that might be built up in it, is one of the best ways to pamper your vagina, hands down.
2. Get into Some Specific Yoga Positions
Yoga does a lot of things. It de-stresses. It increases strength and flexibility. It puts you into a better mood. It relaxes you. It helps you to sleep better. So, it makes perfect sense that partaking in it would benefit every part of your body, including your vaginal region. In fact, there are certain positions that specifically can improve the overall health and well-being of your va-jay-jay. If you'd like to know what some of them are, so that you can try them out from the comfort and convenience of your own house, check out Health Shot's article that features six vaginal-focused yoga positions right here.
3. Wash Undies by Hand in Fragrance-Free Detergent
Did you know that there is some fecal matter in washing machines? Not only that but any time something germ-filled is put into a load of laundry, it tends to spread to 90 percent of the rest of the clothes that it's in the wash with. This is reason enough to hand-wash your undies. Start by using some sort of antibacterial fabric spray on your underwear (if you'd prefer to go the DIY route, there's a great recipe here). Spray your panties with it (especially the crotch area) and let it penetrate for five minutes or so.
Then, soak your underwear in really hot water. Once the water is a comfortable enough temperature for you to touch it, wash your panties in some fragrance-free detergent and rinse thoroughly in warm water when you're done. All of this will help to get rid of infection-causing bacteria without irritating your vagina in the process. (By the way, if you want to "super sterilize" your panties, you can always iron the crotch on low heat once they are clean and dry.)
4. Also, Keep Some Fragrance-Free Wipes in Your Bag
Whether it's because you use a menstrual cup or you simply want to freshen up throughout the day when you're not at home, it can never hurt to keep some fragrance-free wipes around. They are oftentimes better at thoroughly cleansing your vagina without removing any of the natural moisture that it needs. Just make sure that they are fragrance-free. Otherwise, the wipes could upset your vagina's pH balance and lead to a vaginal infection up the road.
5. Make Yourself a Monthly Period Basket
There are two ways to look at your menstrual cycle—like something that you should dread every month or something that you can use as a time to pamper yourself. My recommendation is to go with Door #2. Stay with going to a local arts and crafts store to pick up a basket (one that you would use to make someone else a gift basket) along with some cellophane and a bow. Then, on a monthly basis, put things into it like—chamomile tea (it soothes abdominal discomfort) and/or raspberry leaf tea (it reduces uterine contractions); dark chocolate (the potassium eases cramps); clove essential oil (it reduces excessive pain and bleeding); avocados, pears, berries, bananas and popcorn (fibrous foods reduce bloating); turmeric powder (it's a natural painkiller); a bottle of sparkling water (the more hydrated you are, the less blood clots and backaches you'll have); a magnesium supplement (it'll ease your uterine muscles while giving you more energy); a favorite snack (it'll comfort you); some fresh flowers (just because); a DIY lavender spray for your bedding (to help you sleep more soundly. You can check out an easy-to-make recipe here), and a fresh pair of period panties (Thinx's Hiphugger Period Panties are currently all the rage). Knowing that there is something special awaiting you can definitely make you feel better about, well, the inevitable (your period, chile).
6. Install a Bidet (or a Bidet Toilet Seat Attachment)
Talk about pampering. There used to be a time when, if the topic of bidets came up, we'd assume the person who had one was rich. I get why too because the cost of one combined with the installation fee tends is oftentimes somewhere between $1000-1500 (on average). That doesn't mean it's not worth every penny, though, because bidets are able to keep your vaginal area, your butt and your hands cleaner (which reduces the spread of urine, fecal matter and bacteria overall). Another benefit to them is they can significantly reduce your chances of having hemorrhoids while also helping to keep you from getting bacterial vaginosis. Plus, since bidets eliminate the need for toilet paper, they are good for the environment too.
If money is tight and you can't afford to install a bidet right now, the next best thing is to invest in a bidet toilet seat attachment. It's basically a sprayer that you can use as a "handy" bidet. The Spruce has a list of some fairly affordable ones. You can check 'em out here.
7. Soak in Some Apple Cider Vinegar
We honestly could write an entire article on what makes apple cider vinegar so dope. When it comes to the topic at hand—pampering your vagina—it's great because it's able to keep the pH level of your vagina (which needs to be somewhere between 3.8-4.5) in balance. That's why it's good to soak in if you've got a yeast infection or something to do once a week for mere "upkeep" purposes. The powerfully potent antiseptic and antibacterial properties can soothe inflamed skin, reduce vaginal odor and cleanse your vagina without irritating it in the process.
All you need to do is get some apple cider vinegar (make sure it contains the mother; the mother makes it unrefined and unfiltered). As you're running your bathwater, pour one cup (two cups if you've got a yeast infection or BV) of the vinegar into it and soak for 20 minutes or so. While you're soaking, definitely make sure to avoid bubble baths that contain lots of chemicals. If you want a few bubbles to create a certain mood, combine a half cup of distilled water with a half-cup of castile soap, one-fourth cup of vegetable glycerin and 15 drops of your favorite essential oil. Pour it under running water and you'll be all set.
8. Try a Little Fur Oil
If you're someone who, when it comes to "landscaping" down below, you prefer to shave and yet you haven't found a way to prevent ingrown hairs (remember not to shave against the grain; doing so can definitely cause them), you might want to pamper your vagina with a little bit of Fur Oil. It's an oil that's specifically made for pubic hair that contains ingredients like grapeseed oil, jojoba oil, clary sage and tea tree oil. Aside from helping to prevent ingrown hairs and soothe the ones that you already may have, this oil also has a great reputation for making pubic hair feel really soft. I won't lie to you, there ain't nothin' cheap about it (it's currently $46 for a couple of ounces). Still, the reviews are pretty spectacular and, at the very least, this might inspire you to cop a couple of the ingredients I mentioned and make some conditioning oil of your own (heads up, you can probably find it on other sites for a little less too).
Oh, I almost forgot. If you wouldn't dream of spending this much money on some vaginal oil, a hack that can help to keep your vagina—well, your vulva since it's the outer part of that area—from feeling itchy and irritated after shaving is to rub some fragrance-free deodorant onto it right after you shave. It has a way of soothing and bringing (semi) instant relief too.
9. Make Sure the Condoms Are “Super Vagina-Friendly”
Unless you are in an exclusive long-term relationship where you both get tested and you're on some form of reliable birth control (unless, of course, you want to conceive a child), when it comes to sex, there's no way around the fact that condoms are the way to go. However, have you ever thought about if the ones that you've been using are super vagina-friendly or not?
The reality is that a lot of rubbers contain chemicals like casein (which can throw off our hormonal balance); glycerin (which contains sugar and can sometimes feed yeast); benzocaine (which can trigger vaginal inflammation and dryness) and, nonoxynol 9 (which can inflame your cervix, vagina and rectum). All of this is, yeah…not good.
I know you're probably not used to reading condom labels; however, now you see why it's a good thing to do. As far as condoms that are good for your va-jay-jay, Lelo Hex is one brand you might want to look into (it's made out of natural latex and has a silicone lubricant in it). Lovability is a natural latex rubber that is hypoallergenic and gets a lot of praise too.
10. Wear a Clit Clip
One more. I know some people who got their clitoris (or clitoral hood) pierced before. And while they can personally vouch for the fact that it has made their clitoris more sensitive to the touch in some of the best ways possible, they've also said that the piercing process itself is not even close to being a walk in the park. That said, you're not a big fan of pain yet you would like to "dress up" your clitoris from time to time, there are clit clips that you can wear that require absolutely no piercing at all. Two that I thought were kinda cute are on Etsy's site (here and here). I mean, we are talking about pampering, right? Why not doll "her" up a bit once you've done everything else on this list? Look at it as the vaginal pampering 2.0 way to go.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Once upon a time, I knew a married couple who told me that they wouldn’t even discuss with each other who they found to be attractive on television because, in their minds, that was a form of cheating. They’re divorced now, and although there are a series of reasons why, it was always strange to me that things were so restrictive within their relationship that they couldn’t even share a fleeting thought about how someone looked.
Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
Whenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
As I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
It’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
During the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
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Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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