This article is in partnership with STARZ.
Lights, g-strings, and dolla, dolla bills y'all. From the moment the DJ announces Brandee Evans' character Mercedes taking the stage, prepare to be beguiled. Stripping is about more than the tease, instead it's a lesson in athletics as the women treat the pole like the instrument to their musician. As Mercedes' heel-clad feet plant themselves firmly on the ceiling and she defies gravity mid-twerk, it's clear to all who are lucky to be a witness that the way she and the other women leave it all on the stage is nothing short of art. It was my very first taste of STARZ's hit show P-Valley, and I quickly understood what the hype was about.
Episode 103 GIF by P-Valley
This year has been a lot but one thing's for certain, 2020 is the year of women empowerment. Women have been elevating to new levels in every space. We are reclaiming our time, our bodies, our sexuality, our standards of beauty, and the lens in which those narratives are told. We are no longer standing for the disrespect and erasure of our identities and we are assuming our rightful places in this world through equality. Not only are we advocating for ourselves, but we have found the power in numbers to garner support. Women are showing up for women in the best of ways while also demanding that Black women be protected. In current times, we have seen too many examples where women are characterized as objects in the storyline.
Now we are rewriting those stories to show our power balanced with our femininity. Whether it is music, politics, education, business, sex work, women are creating safe spaces for other women to rise.
In its premiere season on STARZ, P-Valley has masterfully taken the theme of women empowerment and displayed it in the most complex of places: the strip club. When you think of strip clubs, the focus of the business is generally concentrated around the men who frequent them. Typically in strip club culture, the male patrons' level of pleasure is centered in most storytelling of the industry. Acclaimed playwright Katori Hall brings her special sauce to P-Valley, showing that the intricate lives of the women are where the real story of strip club culture lies.
P-Valley is based on Hall's play Pussy Valley which is set in the Mississippi Delta. On a panel discussing the inspiration for the show, Hall talks about being from the south, visiting strip clubs, and admiring the women's skill and athleticism which made her feel empowered. Hall decided to take a pole dancing class a few years later, which is where she found her connection to strip club culture. This propelled Hall to research and speak to the women of the industry to find out what their experiences were like and create a brand new viewpoint.
"I wanted to create a story an actual story platform beyond the stage they grace… so people could understand," Hall says. "Their story deserves to be heard."
The organizing principle of episode 2 “Scars” is “fantasy.” It’s all about subverting the male gaze. Switching power roles. Fantasy Friday’s, what Uncle Clifford WANTS to go down in the Paradise Room. And then...there’s Andre 👀 #PValley pic.twitter.com/yxc4Bf96bM
— Katori Hall (@KatoriHall) July 20, 2020
Hall wanted to tell this story with the female gaze centered and destigmatize the male gaze to the strip club. That is to say, the show is not all boobs and butts, but instead, it humanizes the women to show a complete portrait of who they are on- and off-stage. This is how Hall transports us down to the valley where the girls got all the drama.
So, let's catch you up! (Caution: Mild spoilers ahead!)
Uncle Clifford
P-Valley/STARZ
So far on P-Valley, we have been introduced to a complex cast of characters who, in various ways, have found or are new to the local strip club in the fictional Chucalissa, Mississippi. The Pynk is owned by one of the most dynamic characters on the show, Uncle Clifford (she/her), played by Nicco Annan. Uncle Clifford is a non-binary, gender-fluid character who has a strict policy of no-nonsense. She is the embodiment of both masculine and feminine energies that are on full display when she steps in the room. She literally is the glue that holds not only the club together but also the delicate lives of the women who headline every night. Whether you are a current employee of The Pynk or an alum, Uncle Clifford has in one way or another came through for you in the clutch. In the first few episodes, we learn that The Pynk is in serious debt as Uncle Clifford has not been so wise with her money.
One thing she has is a big heart and will do anything for her girls, even if that means falling into debt. The Pynk is not only special because of the talent that resides inside, but it is also prime real estate for a new casino that is coming to this small town with promises of money for the city and especially its Mayor, Tydell Ruffin (played by Isaiah Washington). There is a battle for the waterfront property that The Pynk sits on, bringing tensions out between some of the city's key players. With the possibility of a new casino moving into town closing The Pynk, a wrench is thrown into everyone's plans to level up. What's even more intriguing is the romantic relationship Uncle Clifford finds with one of the club's frequent visitors.
Mercedes
P-Valley/STARZ
While Uncle Clifford is trying to hold on to her club, the ladies find themselves in troubles of their own. Mercedes, played by Brandee Evans, is the OG of The Pynk and knows the club and its patrons inside and out. She can spot a baller from a mile away just by looking at his watch and shoes. She is a money-maker and her skills on the pole are unmatched by most of the women in The Pynk. However, she is as smart as she is skilled, and has been stacking away her cash for years in the hopes to purchase a gym to train her teenaged dance team. Mercedes wants out of The Pynk and has a big motivation driving her to level up. However, an unlikely familial relationship threatens her possibility of achieving her dreams.
Hailey
P-Valley/STARZ
Hailey Colton, a.k.a Autumn Night (played by Elarica Johnson), comes into town on the heels of a disastrous hurricane that ripped everything from her life. Hailey is a newbie to stip club culture and is learning the inner workings of the club night by night. She is staying lowkey and trying her best to stay out of the way. Until she overhears a conversation with Andre (played by Parker Sawyers), the godson of the Mayor, and Corbin Kyle (played by Dan Johnson) about how The Pynk is right in the way of a major casino development deal and needs to be acquired. When she tells Uncle Clifford the tea, they form a plan for her to continue to get information to save The Pynk. This partnership is what helps Autumn to find friendship bonds inside of The Pynk, empowering her to take control of her life after the disaster. She begins to confront parts of her past while navigating The Pynk and finding herself again.
Keyshawn
P-Valley/STARZ
Keyshawn, played by Shannon Thornton, is a new mother struggling to find her identity while working at The Pynk. She is an amazing on-stage performer, but off-stage, her life is a wreck. She is constantly showing up late for work with her baby in tow and we soon find out that she is in a physically abusive relationship. With Mercedes leaving, Keyshawn has a chance to become the new headlining act at The Pynk which empowers her to become bolder in her life. However, her relationship still leaves its physical marks on her life and she struggles to maintain. Diamond, played by Tyler Lepley, the super handsome and quite mysterious bouncer at The Pynk, keeps a watchful eye over Keyshawn from a distance. Recently, Keyshawn learns of a secret relationship happening inside of The Pynk and makes an unlikely business partner.
It's the storytelling for me! This show is revolutionary in its handling of women's empowerment through the lens of a female-centric voice in the gentlemen's club. Each character is deep and textured in their own right. You get wrapped up in each of their lives and root for them to find their way. As the season comes to an end, the fate of The Pynk and its beautiful ladies is decided. Each one of their stories will culminate and decide what their legacies will be. It has been one helluva ride for the characters and The Pynk has been the real "ride or die'' hero.
One lesson learned at The Pynk is that legacy and your story matters.
In honor of P-Valley's weekly homage to female empowerment, we asked a few women what unapologetic female empowerment means to them. Here's what they had to say.
"It's a marathon, not a race."
P-Valley/STARZ
"Unapologetic female empowerment is understanding that 'it's a marathon, not a race' and that applauding another Queen takes absolutely nothing from you. As women, we all have something unique within in us that no one can take away. We all deserve a seat at the table in our own right. Celebrating your sisters is liberating and it looks good on you. Unapologetic female empowerment brightens you up."
"I tap into a sisterhood that supports me and uplifts me daily. It is such an exhilarating feeling to be surrounded by a circle of women that continuously pour into my creativity and cheer me on. Those are the moments that I remember when I'm having tough times. The womanhood around me is solid and loving. I love collaborating on projects with my friends and being able to assist with bringing their visions to life. When I'm winning, they are winning and the level of support is literally a revolving door. I practice unapologetic female empowerment by highlighting and supporting black women-owned businesses. By sharing kind words and inspiration to sisters. I practice listening without inserting myself or personal experiences; giving a safe haven for my sisters to be heard with no interruptions.
"I feel most connected with myself and my body as a woman when I'm roller-skating and embracing my most authentic self. I love expressing myself artistically through movement and tapping into my sexuality. I love wearing lingerie and dancing with my homegirls. I feel most connected with my womanhood when I submerge myself in moments of love and I'm patient with my journey. Whenever I'm taking care of my skin, exercising, or shaving my head bald I feel like a free woman." - Sydney Blaylock, writer, slayer, skater
"Saying how you feel is divine feminine energy."
P-Valley/STARZ
"Unapologetic female empowerment means holding your head up high and not feeling as if you need to shrink yourself to make others feel comfortable. Black women are so apologetic. Saying how you feel or handling business without leading with, 'I'm sorry but...' is divine feminine energy."
"I have a retreat company where I curate spaces for Black women to release, relax, and unwind. During one of our sessions on the trip I had women write out what they loved about another woman on the trip, then we exchanged the papers. We each stood up and read what was on the paper. No one knew who wrote the compliment or who it was for which allowed each woman to find her own self in each of the affirmations. I say my prayers out loud. When I started to pray out loud, I noticed how powerful my words became. Because I knew they were powerful, I was more cognizant of what my prayer was. I began to say what I was thankful for more. I said thank you more in general.
"In praying to God, I was also affirming myself. We are essentially made in the image of the Almighty. Would you talk to God any old way? Not at all. By speaking words of empowerment and creating affirmations of thanks and positivity, I was able to be vulnerable in myself, in my womanhood to appreciate all parts of this journey."
"After having a baby, my body changed dramatically. I had to accept curves in certain places they hadn't been before. I also had to intentionally work out to not let those curves get out of hand! Ultimately though, one day I looked at my body and told her thank you. This body had birthed my daughter. This body was capable. This was the body of a mother, a grown woman. If I could look at other women and find their beauty, I had to find the beauty in myself." - Shanicia Boswell, writer, speaker, founder
"Fixing a woman's crown without letting the world know it was crooked."
P-Valley/STARZ
"To me, unapologetic female empowerment means fixing a woman's crown without letting the world know it was crooked. It means covering my sisters with love, grace, and gratitude even when they can't see it in themselves. It means standing up to a world that tells Black women they aren't enough and reminding that woman of the fact that she's forever a queen in my eyes."
"I feel uplifted every time I step in the room with my xoTribe. I felt this way on a spiritual level during my first GirlTrek encounter. I found myself crying many times in many rooms with many women who knew and understood my pain. It was f*cking phenomenal. I've struggled with anxiety and depression my entire life and I'm finally learning to be OK with the things I haven't mastered––cleaning a home and making it spotless is one of them. Although I've always felt embarrassed and guilty for not being the best housekeeper, hiring one reminded me that I don't have to be good at everything. Coming home to a clean and organized house for maybe the first time in my whole life made me feel like I could take over the world.
"Thankfully, my job gives me an opportunity to uplift and empower women every single day. Between interviewing dope women and creating a space for others to publish their work, I'm constantly on the lookout for ways to help women shine their light on the world. To feel connected with self, I do my makeup. I take nude pictures of myself and save them in my camera roll for my own personal admiration. I take a bath with Ashwagandha- and Eucalyptus-infused bath salts. I moisturize my body from head-to-toe with a sweet-smelling lotion that is for the enjoyment of nobody but my damn self. I call the people I love so that they can remind me of who I am and I reminisce on old pictures to remember where I came from." - Pretty Honore, Senior Editor
"Meeting women where they are as who they are."
P-Valley/STARZ
"Unapologetic female empowerment means standing in solidarity with women whose intersectional identity might not look like yours. It's ensuring that we extend the same hopefulness and encouragement to women (non-binary and binary) regardless of their sexual orientation, career path, or gender pronouns. It's thinking we all deserve more than the patriarchal violence we face on a day-to-day basis."
"I have more recently manifested a lot of great relationships that are budding sisterhoods but the connection has yet to grow strong enough for it to tap into my sense of womanhood. I'm hopeful that many of them will though, I simply believe there is more inner work that is required on my end. I recently felt the opposite of empowered in dealing with men. There is one guy who minimally sexually harasses me every time we speak. Each time I simply I ignore him, and I feel as though I have failed for not speaking up for myself.
"However, in sifting through my feels and my discomfort around telling him his actions were inappropriate, I further understood (in a way that I think will allow me to genuinely hold them closer moving forward) how difficult it has been for every woman who has been sexually assaulted and asked, 'Why now?' when they come forward in their own time. It's because the patriarchy, at times, snuffs the empowerment out of us and replaces it with fear bound by paralysis. And I have come to find that pulling back those layers of patriarchy and unlearning the ways we've been taught to hate other women by questioning their choice, autonomy, and voice is empowering.
"If there is ever a moment where my thoughts or actions don't align with my mission, I stop and ask myself why that is. There are times when this tough love mentality that so many Black women inherit gets in the way of genuine empowerment! And overall, my day-to-day acts of empowerment is meeting women where they are as who they are, which I cannot do if my first instinct is to always criticize or withhold love because it was withheld from me."
"A lot of my connectedness to self comes from spending time with myself. Sometimes this looks like having engaging dialogues with myself, about myself and the room for growth. At other times it looks like me spending quality time with myself, may it be a movie date (obviously pre-covid) or sex. I've been single for quite some time, so I've learned not to be embarrassed by my desire to have certain needs met and as often as possible fulfilling them on my own. I slap my own ass, make passionate love to myself with the help of my Hitachi, and sometimes lazy love myself while preparing for a nap. In a nutshell, I feel most connected to myself when I'm listening to and honoring my needs." - Kiarra Sylvester, writer
Catch the season finale of P-Valley this Sunday night at 8PM ET/PT on STARZ and on the STARZ app.
Featured image via STARZ
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RELATED
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Relationships aren’t for people who merely want to be catered to (or is it coddled?) all of the time. Relationships are for those who want to be transformed — and that requires being challenged to become a better version of yourself. And yes, that means being willing to give exactly what you want to receive.
Keeping that in mind, what is something that research says will cause a relationship to be a thriving success? Well, before we get into all-a-dat, I’ll just say that I’m not even sure how many therapists/counselors/life coaches would remain in business if people really put what I’m about to say into genuine and consistent practice — I’m not exaggerating either. Because, when I read an article not too long ago about the one thing that science says creates happy unions (although, I personally think that healthy should always trump happy), it made all the sense in the world why “it” would be the answer — and why so many folks struggle to do it.
Because although the answer is simple, easy? Well, that’s another matter entirely. If you keep reading, I think you’ll get where I’m coming from when I say that, too.
The Key to a Happy Relationship Is…
GiphyOkay, so this past winter, Newsweek published an article entitled, “Science Reveals the Simple Secret Behind Happy Relationships.” Before I share, do you first want to take a stab at what the secret is? Well, according to a particular popular study, something that can either help you to remain satisfied if you are currently in a relationship or can make you especially attractive if you are currently looking for one is the art of knowing — more specifically, being intentional about understanding your partner and communicating in a way where you are clearly understood (in walks, the famous quote by author Stephen R. Covey via his bookThe 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: “First seek to understand, then to be understood.”).
My mind constantly has songs running through it (which I personally think is a good thing) and the one that immediately came to mind here is Xscape’s throwback “Understanding.” Sing it with me now: “What I need from you is understanding. How can we communicate, if you don’t hear what I say? What I need from you is understanding. So simple as 1, 2, 3. Understanding is what I need.”
And while, on the surface, this revelation might seem like the biggest “duh” to be shot around the world, the reality is that if understanding was so obvious, why aren’t more people actually being that way towards their partner? While it could be that some folks are either too emotionally immature or too selfish to be in a relationship, to begin with, I’d venture to say the far greater issue is a lot of people know what understanding looks like in theory but not fully and totally when it comes time to actually execute it.
So, allow me to take out a moment to explain six ways that understanding manifests itself in a relationship and then four ways that it…well, doesn’t.
Signs of an Understanding Partner
1. An Understanding Partner Is Empathetic
GiphyIf you are not just willing but as able as possible to put yourself into the shoes of another, this makes you a pretty empathetic individual. That’s because empathy is literally about trying to see things from another person’s perspective so that you can understand them — and what you may be going through with them — better. Empathetic people are good listeners (more on that in a sec). Empathetic people focus more on the present than the past or the future (which keeps them from nagging or worrying).
Empathetic people are good with their body language (no eye-rolling, finger-tapping, or shoulders crossed, which typically convey cynicism or detachment — check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”). Empathetic people think before they speak. Empathetic people seek clarity over passing blame. Yeah, can you just imagine how much happier and especially healthier relationships would be if folks simply strived to be more empathetic? Have mercy.
2. An Understanding Partner Is a Good Listener
GiphyThere is a married couple in my life who, when it comes to communication, I am absolutely floored that they have lasted as long as they have. The husband? He’s charming and extremely funny, oh, but he can’t be quiet long enough to let you complete a sentence to save his life. SMDH. Meanwhile, his wife? To this day, she is the best listener that I have ever known. So much, in fact, that sometimes, when I’m talking to her on the phone, she is so quiet that I think that the call has dropped. LOL. And yes, this clash in their communication styles has caused her to consider divorce court more than a few times. I get why, too.
Cutting people off, talking over them, telling folks what you interpreted from what they said over what was actually stated, gaslighting or making definitive statements over asking questions — all of these are signs of not only being a poor listener but being rude, arrogant, and dismissive as well.
Y’all, while once reading an article on what makes someone a good listener, I really liked that the author said that a good listener is sincere, open-minded, and they are curious — they want to be a “student” of the conversation and not a teacher (hell, some folks act like they are nothing but a self-appointed principal!). When it comes to your listening skills, can you say that you listen like this? Better yet, ask your partner (or friends if you are single) what they think…then LISTEN for their answer.
3. An Understanding Partner Is Considerate
GiphyOne of my clients? I’ve known him for about 20 years at this point, and he continues to hold the blue ribbon for being the politest person I know. Hmph. Ain’t it wild how we can be so hard on children for not displaying good manners, including basic things like saying “please” and “thank you,” when we can’t even do these things our damn selves? That said, a considerate person, yes, has great manners. They also care about not hurting other people’s feelings, will often put others’ needs before their own, are patient with people (bookmark that), and will take accountability for their actions; this includes apologizing when they are wrong.
This brings me to another married couple I know and how the husband tells me that his wife never apologizes. Ugh. The level of arrogance (and/or insecurity) that comes with not being able to humble oneself and admit when they are wrong? There is no way that I could even attempt to go the distance with the kind of person who rolls like that. Sadly, though, many do, and one study calls people who act like this “defiers.” It then went on to say that these types of individuals oftentimes cross boundaries, are apathetic, and tend to have a lower level of emotional intelligence than others do.
When I put my life coach cap on about this, I’d venture to say that a lot of people who suck at apologizing probably had parents who also sucked at modeling it to them. Either way, you can’t really love well if you’re not a considerate person (even the Bible says that love is not rude — I Corinthians 13:5 — AMPC), and a part of what comes with that is owning your mistakes, poor choices, and offenses. No wiggle room here.
4. An Understanding Partner Is Kind
GiphyOne day, I’m going to write a full article on the importance of wanting a kind man over a nice guy and why it’s also essential to be kind to that kind man as well. Like I say often, a nice person is agreeable while a kind person is benevolent — and yes, there is a big difference between the two. One of the reasons why I thought it was important to bring kindness into the chat as it relates to how to be a more understanding individual is because you don’t have to agree with everything your partner says, does, or even expects of you to be kind.
No, kindness is about being thoughtful in your approach. Kindness is about speaking in a way that you would want to be spoken to. Kindness is about being compassionate. Kindness is about finding ways to compromise so that both individuals can be happy.
Kindness shows humility. Kindness accepts that others are not like them — and that is okay. Kindness makes things easier instead of more difficult. In short, kind people like peace. And while that doesn’t mean that they are going to “lose their voice” in order to get it, at the same time, they are going to deliver everything that they do in a spirit of peacefulness…and that goes a really long way as far as any relationship is concerned.
5. An Understanding Partner Is Generous
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but when I’m in the relationship space on social media, mostly what I see and hear is pure and unadulterated selfishness. All folks are talking about is what someone should be doing for them (monetarily or otherwise), and being self-absorbed is a surefire way to sabotage a relationship (once again, even the Bible says that “love is not selfish” in certain translations of I Corinthians 13). So yeah, that being said, something else that an understanding partner does is show how much they care by being proactively generous.
A generous individual gives freely (meaning that they don’t just give to get; that is usually a form of manipulation); they also like to see what they can do to help those around them. However, some other cool things about generosity are it isn’t mean-spirited, it likes to motivate and inspire others (especially their partner), and it is quick to compliment, encourage, and also be grateful for what it receives. Know what else? Generosity knows how to be content. Most definitely, generous people live in a state of satisfaction because — get this — they plant so many seeds in so many ways that they trust in karma to take care of them…and typically…it does.
6. An Understanding Partner Is Forgiving
GiphyAnother type of person who should never get into a relationship: someone who doesn’t forgive. Forgiveness can be explained in a billion different ways and yet, at the end of the day, I think one of the easiest breakdowns is it’s granting someone the kind of mercy and grace that you know you need to receive. Whew, the hypocrisy of individuals who think that they should be pardoned for their offenses while holding forgiveness like a weapon over other folks’ heads? How delusional can they be?
Anyway, understanding people get that forgiveness is a key ingredient to a successful relationship. For everyone else, check out “Are You A 'Bad Forgiver'? Read This And See.” — if you see yourself in it, either apologize to your partner for being that way or pump the breaks on getting into a relationship until you can “refine that skill.” Because, if there’s one thing that you’re going to have to do, more than a lil’ bit, it’s forgive (and, if you’re really being real…you’re going to have to ask for forgiveness too).
Signs Your Partner Doesn't Understand You
1. A Misunderstanding Partner Is a Poor Communicator
GiphyWhile checking out an article on a lawyer’s website not too long ago, it stated that 70 percent of men said that nagging and complaining led to the ultimate breakdown in communication when it came to their marriage. And before anyone deflects or dismisses this, even the Good Book says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman.” (Proverbs 21:9 — AMPC)
The article then went on to say that 60 percent of men stated that a lack of appreciation also caused communication issues. Meanwhile, 80 percent of women shared that they felt a disconnect in the communication department whenever their thoughts and feelings weren’t validated, while 60 percent were simply sick of their partner talking too much about himself.
And y’all, if one person feels nitpicked to death and the other feels unheard, how can there be any type of effective communication going on — and without that, no real connection can be made/nurtured/maintained.
This one right here? From the first date with someone, pay very close attention to if they are displaying any of these signs and if you are as well. Because there really is no point in trying to build with a person if poor communication is evident straight out the gate.
2. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Unappreciative
GiphyAt the end of the day, appreciation is really all about gratitude — about displaying an attitude of thankfulness. And when it comes to being appreciative, I’ve always liked the quote by author Eckhart Tolle that says, “Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance;” the quote by author and professor Sonja Lyubomirsky that says, “Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation;” the quote by actor Doris Day that says, “Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty;” the quote by author John Ortberg that says, "Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation” and the Vietnamese Proverb, “When eating fruit, remember the one who planted the tree.”
What all of these things mean to me is when you look at what you already have and acknowledge how grateful you are for it, that keeps you in the present moment so that you are putting less pressure on your partner and your relationship. And y’all, even though sometimes pressure produces diamonds, as Chad from Insecure once said, “Pressure busts pipes” — and not always in a good way. Balance is key. Appreciation helps to keep things in balance.
3. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Disrespectful
GiphyY’all want to talk now or later about how Scripture instructs husbands to love their wife and wives to respect their husband (Ephesians 5:33)? Respect is about esteeming someone, and if you really want to take it to church, the Classic Amplified Version of I Peter 3:2 says that husbands should also be reverenced and that should look like this: “…[for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].”
Yeah, there really is no telling how much marital relationships would improve if more husbands decided to love from a “nourish and cherish” perspective (Ephesians 5:29), and more wives actually put respecting their husbands into daily rotation.
Anyway, in general, no one really understands how to love someone properly if they are disrespectful towards them: yelling in conversations and/or belittling in arguments; being dismissive of boundaries; acting flippant about their partner’s needs; making commitments and then not honoring them; being hypercritical; acting abusively (on any level including mentally and emotionally); not valuing their partner’s thoughts and opinions — oh, I could go on and on with this one. Truly, words cannot express how many people ruin their relationship, and it’s all due to how disrespectful they actually are.
4. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Impatient
GiphyLove. Is. Patient. It’s Scriptural, too (I Corinthians 13:4). Being patient is about not only knowing how to wait but how to wait well. In fact, as I’ve shared in other articles on the platform before, patience is defined as “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Hmph. It’s a sermon series, all on its own, how many people don’t love as much as they think they do (and definitely not as well) because they don’t know how to deal with trials that come in relationships — and trials WILL come.
Signs of being an impatient person: you get irritated easily; you have a short temper; you find yourself competing with other people; you think “wait” means “no” (or never); you make snap decisions; you constantly put feelings over actual facts; your tongue moves ahead of your brain; you stress yourself and others out; you rush, and you don’t know how to handle delays in a calm and mature manner. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? Okay, so why would you expect someone else to be fine with it? (Ouch.)
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The fun thing about writing articles like this one is, that although the study simply said that understanding is what’s required to have a great relationship, that means nothing if we don’t understand what understanding actually is.
Hopefully, now, you’ve got a bit more insight into it because, now that you see what comes with being an understanding individual, it should be more evident than ever why these kinds of couples are able to see the distance in their own relationship as they find themselves smiling and oh so very satisfied along the way. Salute.
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