Since the natural hair movement dashed on the scene, WOC everywhere stood in reclamation of their natural tresses. Learning to care for and love natural hair became a pilgrimage to embracing natural beauty in a society where that reflection is often not mirrored in mainstream culture.
Along the way, a glorified breakdown of hair texture became an encyclopedia for figuring out where your curl pattern fit. Like anything in Western society, the idea of what type of hair texture was more favorable than others started great debates. Though diversity in natural hair is more represented in today's social media climate, there still seems to be a quieted trend of underrepresenting the natural hair characteristics that are "least favorable" by collective admission and vocalized acknowledgment of the internalized pain this causes.
Today, as the natural hair movement has spread into blogging and Instagram, there is still a happy-go-lucky energy that ignores the lesser-represented hair types and characteristics.
My personal testimony began as the natural hair movement exploded in our culture. YouTube gurus popped up left and right. Unfortunately, the forerunners of this movement had hair that looked unbelievably easy to manage. Finger detangling, washing hair without separating it in quadrants, and doing the quick wash and go with defined curls that seem cemented in time, are not things that every woman with natural hair can easily do. Yet, for a long while, that was the only type of hair texture you would see online.
I did not see many reflections of mixed 4B/4C, thin, coily, kinky, or Z patterned hair, and the process one would go through to wash, deep condition, and style. When I would happen to see a more fitting hair type tutorial, it would always be about how to stretch the hair and how to define a curl. The videos that I needed to see of women with thin strands and low volume seemed nonexistent.
I personally remember stressing over where the videos were of women with hair like mine. I used to think that I wouldn't see any of those videos because nobody wants this hair. I knew that my hair couldn't and wouldn't do the things that the softer, looser, longer, and curlier textured hair types could. For a long time, I felt left out and lost as I learned how to care for my own natural hair, after years of succumbing to the "creamy crack".
I knew I was not the only one feeling slighted by what the natural hair movement has become, so I reached out to some other women who have a lot to say.
*Responses have been edited and condensed for clarity.
Kayla Williams @KayJohnae
Kayla is a wardrobe stylist hailing from New Jersey, and she recently did the big chop for the second time.
"In 2014, I wanted to go natural. I did the big chop. I felt like my hair wasn't as pretty as the natural girls on social media, or my friends. I wore my hair out for a short time, and I put braids in and wore other protective styles. In 2017, I cut my hair back down. I went as low as a pixie cut this time and then I relaxed it. I wore my relaxed hair proud and boldly because I felt like it looked better than my natural short coily cut.
"Two weeks ago, I decided to embrace my natural hair fully this time and not backpedal. I cut the perm out of my hair after letting it grow out for five months. I'm now back down to my short coily cut. I feel completely naked when I wear my short hair, I can't hide under the perms, wigs, or braids anymore. I've decided to embrace my hair and I finally understand that I'll never be the natural girl with the big curly fro."
Ayana Hall @yan_niii
Ayana is a model from New York City, and she broke down why the natural hair movement is misleading.
"In all honesty, we [in the 4B to Z patterned community] are so underrepresented and it's honestly misleading to those looking to join the natural hair movement. These images of looser textures have somehow become the face of our movement when I know I never casted my vote!
"My beef is not with women with these textures, but with those spreading the propaganda and appeasing to this European standard of Black beauty. It's continuously holding us back from seeking and flourishing in self-love.
"Think about it, young Black girls who are very impressionable see these images and still think that this is what it means to be natural, and this is the "look" I must have to be "presentable" and socially acceptable with my natural hair. Sound familiar? It definitely should, because this is the same idea and rhetoric behind relaxers; aside from the ignorant rhetoric about natural hair maintenance.
"It honestly kills me that people think being natural is just about hair! It's more than that! It's about embracing your true self! Appreciating what God has given you! Accepting your honest self and vowing to never let that truth slip away! This movement is about identity and standing firm in that beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, and TEXTURES! If we're gonna keep momentum going, it's time to be inclusive of all textures! From loose to kinky, soft to coarse, curls to waves, kinks to coils!
"My journey hasn't been easy and honestly, I'm still on it! You know the Black woman is one of the most disadvantaged groups in the world. Now tag on dark skin or 'nappy headed' and look, we've got more setbacks. With that being said, if we're going to do this, and if we're going to be in this, let's do it together and get it right! From my naps to yours."
Coral Foxworth @FXWRK
Coral Foxworth aka FXWRK, is an up-and-coming underground electronic producer and DJ from Brooklyn, NY. She had some profound truths to share about Black hair and identity.
"I have 4C hair. But not the thick, long, dense kind. Not the 4C that does enormous puffs or juicy twist-outs that hang and shine. Mine is short. Naturally thin. Highly porous and cottony. No curls unless I rake gel through it, or put rollers in. Too thin to hang, shrinks up, and tangles badly when loose, but starts to lock if I leave it bound too long. It breaks so easily, not because it's unhealthy... it's just naturally fragile and knotty.
"I've been natural since 2010, and my hair is six inches long. It doesn't grow fast and never has.
"It's genetic. Coming home and falling asleep with loose hair or without a scarf on even ONCE can mean noticeable, irreversible damage from breakage...or tangling so bad I'm forced to spend four hours undoing it strand by strand. Most people without this hair type really don't understand.
"The natural hair movement initially gave me the strength to transition. It was about self-love and reclaiming the glory of something I'd been conditioned to hate. A few years into it, I started to feel the movement had changed a lot. It had become extremely commercialized and 'curl' focused. I found myself looking at famous YouTubers and bloggers with type 3 curls, and long, thick type 4 hair. It seriously seemed like NO popular vloggers had hair like mine. I won't lie; I got sucked in, and found myself coveting other woman's tresses, wondering if I used this cream or that method, that I could get their look and manageability.
"I would cringe with envy when I saw 'hair growth' videos celebrating six inches in one year, or styling tutorials for the many looks I can never achieve. Millions of girls have my kind of 4C. I hope the 'movement' changes to reflect our beauty back to us. Now I look for low-manipulation YouTubers and ponder freeform locs because I'm tired of feeling like I HAVE to constantly soften, stretch, detangle, and baby this stuff on my scalp.
"Is it really necessary, or is this a social construction the Black community hasn't confronted yet? Is our hair really so unkempt in its truly natural shrunk state? Are breakage and knots inherently bad? Can we love our hair as is and not use styling as a way to avoid inner work?"
Featured image via Coral Foxworth
Originally published on July 5, 2018
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There is quite a bit of science to back this up too. For instance, physical touch can lower stress and boost immunity. Physical touch makes us calmer and more compassionate. Physical touch reduces pain and anxiety. Physical touch helps to cultivate emotional intimacy with other people. Physical touch creates comfort and pleasure. Bottom line, physical touch does so much for us which is why we should learn as much about it as we possibly can.
That’s not to say that all of us desire to be touched in the same fashion, though. For example, did you know that there is quite a bit of research to support the fact that men and women (overall) long to be touched in different ways?
In the effort that we all become more “fluently effective” when it comes to how we “speak” the language of physical touch to those around us (especially when it comes to our partner), let’s explore how a man wants to be touched vs. how a woman prefers to be.
Men and Women Are Different. Even When It Comes to Touch. Why, Though?
GiphyBefore I get into some things that I discovered about men and women when it comes to where they prefer to be touched and how those places differ from one another, first let’s — pardon the pun — touch on why there is even a difference in the first place. Apparently, because women’s fingers are naturally softer, they are better when it comes to touch discrimination. What is that? Touch discrimination is basically having the ability to tell the difference between different types of touch sensations. And this is probably a big part of the reason why research also says that when compassion, anger, or happiness is conveyed through touch, men and women tend to respond/react a bit differently as well.
Case in point: One study stated that when two men try to convey compassion through touch, it doesn’t really resonate well, although men can detect anger, even through the slightest touch, extraordinarily well. And happiness? Well, when two women are sharing that feeling through touch, it is clearly conveyed — meanwhile, between a man and a woman or two men? Yeah, not so much.
The thought process for these three emotions is, when it comes to compassion because women have been the prominent caregivers throughout history, they have “mastered” the ability to express it. Anger? Remember, men are good at detecting it — studies say that it’s because they tend to feel and express anger more often; I’d venture to say that being protectors and providers requires being aware of that emotion far more often as well. Happiness? Reportedly, women tend to be happier more often than men are and they also convey their emotions, openly, more than men do too.
How Men Feel About Physical Touch (Overall)
GiphyOkay, so when it comes to unique things about men and women as it relates to touch, let’s start with the fellas, out the gate. I wanna do that because, when I was doing my research on all of this, I immediately came across something that proved what I just said in the intro. What part in particular? Did you know that, even when it comes to truly platonic friendships, men still wish that their female friends would engage in physical touch more than women do (via their male friends)?
That’s because, even when it comes to intimacy among friends, physical touch displays trust and a feeling of closeness — and research says that men find that to be valuable. And so yes, this does amplify the point that physical touch and the need for it go well beyond sexual intimacy.
Still, I’m sure that it comes as absolutely no surprise that if you were to ask a group of men and women who prefer the love language of physical touch more, it’s going to be men (especially if they are over the age of 45). And while there are many theories for why this is the case, mine is that, since men are traditionally known and expected to be providers and protectors and that is hard work, I think they feel safe, reassured, seen, validated and deeply cared for through physical touch. It’s a way for them to get “off of the clock” from using touch to take care of others to being touched in a nurturing way.
Some other interesting things about men and touch is, although women seem to be more at ease with being touched overall, guys are more comfortable with being touched by strangers, especially in a flirty way (in part, because they process it as a potential for “opportunity” — read between the lines there), they prefer women touching them over being touched by men and they are known to initiate touch more if who they are touching is a woman.
And what about touch as it relates to sexual intimacy? Well, according to science, while both men and women enjoy their genital region, lips, ears, shoulders, and inner thighs to be caressed, men also respond to the back of their legs to be touched while women barely even acknowledge that part of their body (in this way). Men also consider their hands to be an erogenous zone far more than women do. It should also be noted that men are more aroused by touching their partner than being touched by them.
How Women Feel About Physical Touch (Overall)
GiphySo, what about women and touch? Well, something that is associated with women quite a bit is affective touch. If you’re not familiar with what that is, affective touch is all about having the ability to touch in a way that cultivates feeling and emotion. Not only do women tend to be better at doing it, but they also find it to be a more pleasurable experience than men do. Research says that this is because of the fact that, overall, women have had more positive experiences, as it related to touch than men.
Something else that is interesting about affective touch is women who express themselves through touch are typically considered to be more affectionate and trusting as opposed to men who touch a lot. And so, since women like to give affective touch, they are also highly responsive to it — and that could explain why women like to touch and be touched (like reaching out to touch someone’s hand) when someone is sharing their thoughts and feelings with them.
Another thing to note about women and touch is because their pain perception is a lot more sensitive than men’s, even slight adjustments in touch (pressure, temperature shifts in body parts, etc.) will affect them in a way that won’t affect men. When it comes to sexual intimacy, specifically, this could explain why even a slight shift in touch can bring a woman into or take a woman out of the mood far easier and quicker than it would a guy’s.
Something else that should go on record here is how women respond to touch based on their menstrual cycle. For instance, when a woman is ovulating, she tends to be more sensitive to touch; plus, she also finds kissing to be more of a priority. Meanwhile, the drastic shifts in hormones during menopause and postmenopause can make women less sensitive to touch.
As far as sex and sexual stimulation go, women reportedly like to be touched more than to touch. Also, when a man looks into a woman’s eyes while touching her, that increases her arousal levels significantly (men prefer women to gaze at their genitalia; not sure if anyone is shocked there — LOL). Places where they prefer to be touched include their breasts, neck, and butt; some even say that they can orgasm just from being stimulated in those spots (along with their lips and ears). As far as the type of touch that is most effective for women during copulation, oral reigns.
And what about how men feel about oral sex? Well, I once read an article that said that 27 percent of the male participants in their study would rather get some fellatio tonight than receive a raise, so…you do the math. LOL (while we’re on the topic of oral sex, a little over 50 percent of men and women find it to be more intimate than intercourse and consider refusal to engage to be a relationship deal-breaker. Agreed).
GiphyOkay, so with all of this intel on how men and women differ in the touch department, what does all of this even mean? To me, it’s a blaring reminder that even something as simple as touching has billions of layers to it — that even though touch is something that we all need, the art of it is something that must be studied and mastered; especially when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex and even more so when that person is our partner.
And yet, we shouldn’t take this information lightly because, when you (again) factor in all of the ways that touch is holistically beneficial…just imagine how much better intimacy would be, on all levels, if we respected how people prefer to be touched more often.
A poet by the name of John Keats once said, “Touch has a memory.” Think about that the next time you reach out to touch someone — and they reach out to touch you. Then ask yourself: what memories do you want them to have? What memories do you want to keep?
How can all of this data help to make that happen?
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Featured image by Giphy