November gifts us with the blessing of Mercury direct on the 3rd bringing balance and understanding to our relationships. When Mercury shifts into Scorpio, we're invited to embrace our vulnerabilities and the healing that our intimate connections can provide. The Jupiter and Pluto conjunction reminds us that even the most painful experiences have the ability to transform our lives for the better. Our vitality returns with a force when Mars goes direct just in time for the New Moon, inviting us to (re)commit to our deepest desires. The Sun shifts into Sagittarius on the 21st, lifting our spirits for the holiday season and preparing us for the beginning of eclipse season.
Check out your November 2020 monthly horoscopes:
Aries November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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Your relationship dynamics get a little more clear when Mercury goes direct on the 3rd. When Mercury shifts into Scorpio on the 10th, you desire to go deeper in your connections. Anything surface-level won't keep your attention for long. On the 12th, Jupiter and Pluto meet up, requiring you to step up to the plate as you rise to new levels of success and influence. Here's your opportunity to show the world what you've got. When your ruling planet, Mars, goes direct, you're feeling more confident in your ability to get the job done––even if it requires you to move beyond your comfort zone (aka the growth zone).
On the New Moon, you're encouraged to explore different resources for gaining the financial assistance you need. When Venus enters this part of your chart, you've got the magic touch. Ask and ye shall receive. The Sun enters Sagittarius on the 21st, inviting you on a quest for higher knowledge by deepening your understanding of your spiritual beliefs. If you've been feeling the urge to travel to a specific place, there may be lessons for you to explore there. November comes to a close with a Full Moon Lunar eclipse, helping you resolve any communication barriers inhibiting you from expressing your truth and acknowledging the truth of others.
Taurus November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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Mercury goes direct in Libra on the 3rd, then shifts gears into your opposite sign, Scorpio, bringing your focus to relationships. Finding a happy middle ground with your partner and renegotiating existing contracts are supported moving forward. On the 12th, Jupiter and Pluto encourage you to expand your view of the world––possibly through some sobering events playing out on a global scale. Sudden changes in your religious and political beliefs are possible during this time. On the 13th, Mars goes direct, helping you blow off some steam. The past couple of months may have been a bit intense as you internalized your frustrations and hopefully came to a better understanding of the root of them.
The more mindful you become of your anger, the less power it has over you.
The New Moon on the 15th has you taking a relationship to the next level. You may be tying the knot with your sweetie or signing your name on the dotted line with that new employer. If you're an independent contractor or entrepreneur, Venus shifting into Scorpio can help you attract new clients or a business partner. On the 21st, the Sun enters Sagittarius liberating you from the opinions of other people as you learn to place more value on your own perception of yourself. They don't call it SELF-esteem for no reason. The month wraps up with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse liberating you financially, whether you're paying off a debt or getting a raise. Avoid overspending so you don't wind up getting yourself right back in the spot you worked so hard to get out of.
Gemini November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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Your ruling planet, Mercury, goes direct on the 3rd helping you get clear on whether you and a romantic interest are on the same page. The focus shift when Mercury transitions into Scorpio to help you get your schedule and workplace organized. When it comes to your health, addressing any obsessive or addictive tendencies is beneficial for more sustainable peace of mind. On the 12th, Jupiter and Pluto support you in getting to the root of any habits that affect your psychological well-being. When Mars goes direct, your friends can be a much-needed support system if you let them in on what you've been struggling with. We all need help at times—even the person wearing so many different hats.
The New Moon on the 15th invites you to incorporate some better habits into your lifestyle. When Venus enters this part of your chart, you'll find it a little easier to stick with these changes. On the 21st, the Sun enters Sagittarius, bringing your attention to relationships and contracts. It may be time to renegotiate the terms of an agreement or communicate your needs within a close relationship. Knowing what your boundaries are is great but it doesn't do you any good if you don't communicate them to other people. The month closes out with a Full Moon Lunar eclipse in your sign bringing forth some powerful, fated events that will change your life over the course of the next year. Strap yourself in and get ready for the ride!
Cancer November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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The month kicks off with Mercury going direct on the 3rd helping you smooth out any family feuds or disruptions on the home front. When Mercury shifts into Scorpio on the 10th, you're in a sentimental mood, making this the perfect time to indulge your inner romantic. Write a love song, watch your fave rom-coms or travel somewhere secluded with bae for a little more one-on-one time. On the 12th, Pluto and Capricorn meet up, encouraging you to take an honest assessment of your relationships and contractual agreements. If something isn't working, address the issue and provide some solutions that could work for you and your partner.
When Mars goes direct, the pressure is on but you're feeling confident to take on any challenges that stand in the way of your success. The New Moon on the 15th invites you to pick up a new (or old) hobby as a means of nurturing your inner child. On the 21st, the Sun enters Sagittarius, making it a little difficult for you to practice self-control at Thanksgiving dinner. Enjoy yourself but keep things in moderation! The month closes out with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse. Take it easy during this time if you don't have as much energy as usual. It's time to disconnect from the grind and reconnect with your spirit.
Leo November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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Communication issues smooth out when Mercury goes direct on the 3rd. When this energy shifts into Scorpio, you've got an opportunity to resolve some family drama or issues on the home front. On the 12th, Jupiter and Pluto team up to remind you of the importance of maintaining a healthy work-life balance. Don't let the hustle stress you out to the point that you're not eating properly, getting enough rest, and exercising as well. When Mars goes direct on the 13th, you're ready for some adventure and another stamp in your passport. If you're a student or teacher, this transit gives you the energy boost you need to finish off the semester strong.
The New Moon on the 15th invites you to start a new project or learn a new skill. Scorpio's fixed nature will help you lock into whatever you're creating or learning. On the 21st, the Sun enters Sagittarius, encouraging you to indulge your romantic side. Enjoy a fancy bottle of wine, buy yourself some flowers, or take a trip with bae. The month winds down with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse illuminating those that are truly loyal to you and those that are just around to get something from you. Let go of anyone that you're dragging along just for the ride. They just might be the dead weight that's slowing down your progress.
Virgo November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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Your ruling planet goes direct on the 3rd, helping money matters move forward. When the energy shifts into Scorpio on the 10th, you're capable of communicating your feelings more clearly. Jupiter and Pluto team up on the 12th to shake things up. If life has become too routine, a stroke of inspiration has you craving something bigger, better, and way more fun. Your inner child is in desperate need of your attention so make sure you're nurturing that aspect of yourself to stay more engaged with life. On the 13th, Mars goes direct, bringing you out of the depths of some transformational shadow work you've undergone these past couple of months.
You're feeling more confident in your ability to make the best out of your experiences—the good, bad, and ugly.
The New Moon on the 15th invites you to express yourself in a way that allows others to know the real you. On the 21st, the Sun enters Sagittarius making your family the center of your joy over the next month. Spending more time at home and with your loved ones is just what you need to get grounded. November comes to a close with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse reminding you that it's OK to pivot in a different direction. If you're no longer interested in your career path, this is a supportive time for repositioning yourself and establishing a new mission.
Libra November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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Mercury goes direct in your sign on the 3rd, clearing up communication and travel issues for you. Energy shifts into Scorpio, helping you move money matters forward. On the 12th, Jupiter and Pluto link-up which has you feeling restless to make some changes on the home front. A relocation may be just what you need to transform your life. You're feeling more assertive when Mars goes direct on the 13th, encouraging you to shoot your shot so you can take your relationship to the next level. Just make sure you maintain that diplomatic approach of yours to avoid coming off as too pushy.
The New Moon on the 15th invites you to plant the seeds for a new, financial endeavor that may involve you partnering up with someone else. Just make sure they're on the same page as you to avoid any problems in the future. On the 21st, the Sun enters Sagittarius and you're feeling vibrant and ready to mingle for the holiday season. You're the life of the party and others can't help but be mesmerized by your charm. The month comes to an exciting close with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse wrapping up a chapter for you in the way you view the world. Your political or religious beliefs may undergo sweeping changes as you get more clear about your personal values and beliefs.
Scorpio November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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The month kicks off with Mercury going direct on the 3rd, helping you find closure where necessary. When this energy shifts into your sign, you're feeling more empowered about the new direction you're moving in. On the 12th, Jupiter and Pluto meet up which could feel a bit heavy as you're adapting to new ways of thinking and communicating. It's time to address those limiting beliefs and self-dialogue. No one is out to get you in this case, Scorpio. Don't play a role in your own demise. When Mars goes direct on the 13th, you're motivated to get your body and your office into shape. Put yourself on a more structured routine to maintain a good sense of work-life balance.
On the 15th, the New Moon in your sign invites you to blow out the candles and make a wish. What do you want to accomplish in the next six months to a year? Write it down on paper and watch sh*t get real. The Sun shifts into Sagittarius on the 21st, bringing your focus to money. Avoid overspending over the next month. Holiday season is upon us but you can budget for it instead of breaking the bank. Remember the most important part about the holidays is being with your loved ones––not seeing who can buy the most expensive gifts. The month comes to a close with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on the 30th, giving you the nudge you need to step into your power and ditch the old sob stories that perpetuate a victim complex. You're a winner, baby. Act like it.
Sagittarius November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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November kicks off with Mercury going direct on the 3rd, helping you smooth out any communication issues amongst your social circle. When Mercury shifts gears into Scorpio, you're clear on which connections you need to dissolve due to others' hidden agendas. On the 12th, Jupiter and Pluto team up, sobering you up to the reality of your financial situation. You may hate to hear it, but stop trying to live above your means, and then wonder why you're stressed about money. Reel it on in and stick to a strict budget when it comes to holiday shopping. When Mars goes direct on the 13th, you're motivated to create and play. You can have fun and still be financially responsible.
The New Moon on the 15th invites you to disconnect from the chaos of the world to reconnect with the still center of your soul. Profound healing is taking place for you regarding issues that may have affected you in past lives. It's time to clean up your karma by making different choices moving forward. On the 21st, the Sun shifts into your sign, making it your birthday season! All eyes are on you so make the most of it. The month closes out with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in your opposite sign which could result in an ending in a relationship or contractual agreement. Ultimately, whatever dissolves from your life during eclipse season is no longer a good match for you. Keep your head up, buttercup. Better opportunities and partnerships lie ahead.
Capricorn November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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The month begins with Mercury going direct on the 3rd, helping you move forward in matters of career. When Mercury shifts into Scorpio, you're clear about who's on #TeamCappie and who's not. Any hidden agendas will be revealed in the weeks to come. On the 12th, Jupiter and Pluto team up, reminding you not to blow your problems out of perspective. It's been a tough year but trust that all of this pressure you've been under will result in some major gems. When Mars goes direct, you've had enough of the same ol' scenery, making it the perfect time to switch up your home decor or relocate elsewhere.
The New Moon on the 15th invites you to reconnect with your deepest desires. Do you want more power? More depth in your relationships? Or maybe more satisfaction in the work that you do. The choice is yours. Plant the seeds and nurture your garden. On the 21st, the Sun shifts into Sagittarius which has you feeling more reclusive than usual. Reflect and rest up for your birthday season. November comes to a close with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse helping you overcome the limited beliefs contributing to any addictive or obsessive habits. Some insight about your health can be just the catalyst you need to get your sh*t together.
Aquarius November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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November kicks off with Mercury going direct on the 3rd and you're on the first flight out to that resort in the Caribbean. When this energy shifts into Scorpio, be mindful of confrontations with authority figures—particularly in the workplace. Instead of cursing your boss out, vent about them to a friend instead. Jupiter and Pluto meet up on the 12th, inviting you to confront your biggest enemy—you. Your experiences are simply mirroring what you feel about yourself, so cut it out with the projections and lean into some accountability instead. On the 13th, Mars goes direct, reminding you of the power of your righteous anger.
Use your voice to be an agent of change.
The New Moon on the 15th has you pivoting in your approach to your career. Realign with your deepest desires to assure that your success is in the bag. On the 21st, the Sun enters Sagittarius, inviting you to connect with your friends—both online and in real life. Your vibrant spirit is infectious amongst your social circle. You could even find yourself receiving a lot of attention on social media over the next month. On the 30th, the month closes out with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse transforming your relationship with your money. Limiting beliefs have got to go for you to step into the abundance you were destined for.
Pisces November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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Mercury finally goes direct on the 3rd, helping you sort out issues with financial institutions you're associated with. On the 10th, the energy shifts into Scorpio encouraging you to dive deeper into your studies about spirituality. Some of you may even be in positions to teach others what you know. When Jupiter and Pluto link up on the 12th, you're reevaluating your social circle and whether they truly align with your core values and beliefs. Don't be afraid to branch out in search of your tribe. On the 13th, Mars goes direct. If your money slowed up over the past couple of months, things should be turning around in the weeks to come.
The New Moon on the 15th has you ready to commit to your mind's expansion, making this a good time to enroll in school, sign up for that workshop, or find a mentor you can learn from. On the 21st, the Sun enters Sagittarius and you're feeling the pressure to push forward in your career by leaps and bounds. It's OK to be hopeful but make sure your expectations are realistic. Everyone can't be an overnight success. November winds down with a Full Moon Lunar eclipse illuminating a generational pattern that needs to be resolved. You now have the opportunity to express yourself in ways that your ancestors didn't have the privilege to.
It's your duty to own your truth, embody it, and share it with the world.
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'We Had To Heal To Love': Taja Simpson And Ryan Easter’s Journey To Lasting Love
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
One of my favorite things about interviewing married couples and hearing their diverse “How We Met” stories is the way they affirm true love and integral beliefs. One principle that I wholeheartedly believe is that one must truly know and love oneself before effectively doing it for another human being, and Taja Simpson and Ryan Easter’s story affirms this.
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Why You Should Never Settle For A 'Shut Up Ring' (Even Though Many Women Do)
Humans are always gonna human, boy — and nothing reminds me of this more than how folks act (or is it act out?) online. Example? A few weeks ago, after watching a particular YouTuber wear folks out nonstop via their commentary of the Pop the Balloonshow, they were oh-so-very-sensitive about the opinions that commenters were giving them underneath their very own post. Dishing it while not being able to take it. It’s always an amazing sight to behold.
And y’all, that’s definitely what came to mind when I recently checked out an article about people assuming that artists (and long-term couple) Big Sean and Jhené Aiko were engaged based on a ring that was on her “traditional finger.” Although she made it clear that it’s not what one might assume, what I rolled my eyes at was a commenter who said that “bullying wins” in response to the assumption that it was (because if anyone has been on “engagement watch,” whether they want to be or not, it’s those two).
Bullying. Nagging. Ultimatums. Incessant hint dropping. Continuous pressure. When it comes to trying to go from girlfriend to fiancée, I’ve been working with couples long enough to scream from every rooftop that if any of this “works” at all, it’s not going to be in the way that you would ultimately like. At the very most, all you’re gonna do is end up with what is now coined as being a “shut up ring” and a lot of internal doubts.
And so, since December continues to be the most popular time of the year for couples to get engaged, I figured that now would be as good of a time as any to address what a shut up ring is and why women really need to not settle for one.
@kishapeart Replying to @Wealth by Samantha I know “shut up” ring is a new term to some, and in case you’re confused…it’s a ring that a man gives to a woman to get her to shut up about getting married. 🥹 It usually given after MANY years together and he’s finally had it with her begging. 🙃 It is not genuine and is usually very low to zero effort when it comes to a proposal. Ladies….PLEASE walk away before you wver have to beg a man for a ring. 🥲 You are the Prize! 😌 Special Shoutout to @ceciliaregina275 for coining this term!! #men #fyp #shutuprings #proposal #proposalfail #dating
I’m Pretty Sure You Can Guess What a “Shut Up Ring” Is But…
Yep, overall, one way or another, a shut up ring is a ring that is given to a woman in order to get her to quit focusing so much on getting engaged…, or at least to stop her from being consumed with getting out of the girlfriend stage of a relationship.
Okay, but what the creator (kishapeart on TikTok) just said in this video about shut up rings? Honestly, in my opinion, that is only one take on them. I will say that I know a guy personally, who has been engaged for almost four years now, and he and his fiancée (they live together, by the way) are no closer to getting married than they were before he proposed. In fact, when I asked him about it over a year ago now, he simply shrugged his shoulders and said, “She doesn’t want to get married. She just wanted a ring; now she has one. She hasn’t made any moves closer to marriage since, even after I told her to pick a date — and that was two years ago.”
Yeah, it can’t be said enough that getting engaged (traditionally) means that you are preparing for your wedding — and that typically takes no more than 12-18 months. And while we’re here, there is data to support that longer engagements can lead to quicker divorces because, if you have declared to each other (and probably your social media accounts) that you are ready to get married…what are you waiting for (hmm…)? If you’re not ready to literally get married…why get engaged?
Anyway, one thing that “kishapeart” said, right out the gate, is if you receive a shut up ring, you are not someone’s person. Eh, I don’t think that automatically applies across the board. I’m not sure where the popular assumption came from, yet it’s not accurate or even fair to draw the conclusion that just because someone doesn’t want what you do, at the time when you want it, that must mean they don’t care about you or love you. Good lord.
Now, what I will say is it would benefit people greatly to go into dating dynamics knowing if someone is on the same type of timeline that they are (check out “The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have”). For instance, if you want to get married in two years, does the guy you’re starting to see a real connection with think the same way? It would be good to know. At the same time, though, please don’t be out here thinking that they don’t want what you want just because it’s not at the exact same time. As a wise woman I know once said, “The right thing at the wrong time can still be the wrong thing.” Impatience has jacked many a couples up.
Then there’s this type of shut up ring that I read about via a TODAY article not too long ago: “I fought for it. I fought for him to recognize the relationship as something that was serious, something that mattered. I fought for him to realize that we needed to consider next steps. I fought for him to understand that my needs and desires matter. So he proposed.” Fought to get engaged. Whew.
The long story short here is this is the stance that this woman took after 3 ½ years of dating. However, she ended up canceling the wedding 2 ½ months before she was to stroll down the aisle because she ended up feeling more disconnected from her partner than ever.
Two years later, she has no regrets in doing so. Listen, her ex-fiancé wasn’t interviewed for the piece, yet again, I have worked with enough couples to say that this doesn’t automatically mean that she wasn’t “his person” or that he was setting himself up to settle. Sounds more like he was low-key resenting her for even putting him in the position of having to “prove” himself in the first place.
Hmph, some of y’all aren’t gonna wanna hear this, but — just like women don’t like to be pressured into sex, men don’t like to be pressured into marriage. #justsayin’
And then there’s the BuzzFeed article entitled, “19 Times People Realized They Got A ‘Shut Up’ Ring And Their Partner Didn't Actually Want To Get Married.” Let’s just say that many of the stories confirm what I just said in the last sentence of the above paragraph. SMDH.
Real talk, I could provide all types of scenarios to prove that a shut up ring is not a monolith; indeed, so many dynamics can result in a woman getting a ring before a man is truly ready to give her one. What I will say, for all of them across the board, is that no matter what the behind-the-scenes details of the relationship may be, ending up with this type of ring is never something that a woman should aspire to. In part, because of the red flags that automatically come with having one on your finger.
Red flags like what?
3 Things That Makes a Shut Up Ring a Huge Red Flag
We all know what a red flag is; it’s a warning, and a warning is something that warns, puts you on notice, or alerts you to take heed of something — or someone. Well, when you think of a shut up ring, anything that wants you to “shut up” is already problematic, right? Because, oftentimes, what that means is they are starting to process your words as low-key noise (I mean, look up the definition of shut up some time) — and that never can be good. Okay, but aside from the obvious, there are three other red flags about a shut up ring that immediately come to my mind.
1. Pressure makes diamonds, not healthy relationships. It is Winston Churchill who once said, “You can measure a man’s character by the choices he makes under pressure,” and again, some of you are gonna want to click off of this article after I say this, but, a man who doesn’t succumb to getting engaged before he is ready? That is a man of character — not the other way around.
If a man, right out the gate, will do something that he is not prepared to do, just because someone pressures him to do it, how can you trust in how he will handle other pressuring matters in the future? Not only that but, if you know that you had to pressure him to ultimately get what you want, how can you feel secure in the relationship anyway? Let’s move on to the next point.
2. Is the ring about love or…status? How many times over the years have I said that De Beers is one of the greatest scammers of all time because folks didn’t become obsessed with diamond engagement rings for any other reason than the company was going broke, they came up with the slogan “a diamond is forever” and people drank the Kool-Aid (if you don’t believe me, you can read all about ithere)? Every time I think about that, it gets me to wondering why a diamond is so crucial to so many: is it really about someone declaring their love, or is it a status symbol that they don’t even know the origin story of?
Case in point: some of y’all may remember the episode of Being Mary Jane (which has literally been years ago now) where one of her friends admitted that she bought her own engagement ring because she didn’t want to risk being embarrassed by the size that her fiancé would end up getting her. Now, what in the world does that have to do with their relationship? Sounds like she cares more about what others think about them — and no one is ultimately going to be in her relationship (if she’s wise, anyway) but her and her man. Bottom line here, is if you think you would be “fine” with a shut up ring, reevaluating the love vs. status thing is something you definitely should put some real thought into.
3. No woman should have to convince a man to marry her. Think about the last time that you tried to convince someone to do something. If you weren’t arguing or debating, you were having to provide enough “evidence” to prove that your point or perspective was right. Now, apply this to striving to get someone to marry you. Whether it’s trying to convince him that you are the one or now is the time, there is nothing self-affirming about having to prove that he should see things from your perspective. With that said, in walks the stellar groom from this video (@irisfilmsatl on IG) up top.
The first time I saw it, I played it back at least five times because I adored everything about it. Most of all? HOW CLEARLY READY THIS MAN WAS TO GET MARRIED. You can see the confidence oozing out of his pores from the moment that he showed up on the screen. And you know what? Men who are ready to get married, don’t need convincing. Rinse and repeat that conclusion, just as many times as you need to.
3 Things That Make Giving a Man an Ultimatum a Huge Red Flag
While I was reading an article entitled, “Do Most Proposals Only Happen After an Ultimatum?” from The Kit’s site, and I saw things like, “’Almost every girl I know who got proposed to [did] because they gave an ultimatum to their partner.’ More than 70 replies mostly ran the gamut of agreement: ‘Truth,’ ‘I told him to propose, or I was moving on, he picked propose,’” all I could literally do is shake my head, mostly because I know that this isn’t an exaggeration.
Geeze, I can’t tell you how many women I personally know who also fit into this…demographic. It’s not a good thing either because, no matter how popularized ultimatums have become, at the end of the day, an ultimatum is a threat — on some levels, even worse, it’s what PsychCentral once said on the topic in their article, “Should You Ever Give an Ultimatum In a Relationship?”: “...ultimatums often come from desperation.”
Let’s explore more of what an ultimatum is.
1. Ultimatums are threats (and it can’t be said enough). The reason why I thought that this video (krewseason on TikTok) was appropriate for this particular portion of the video is he’s right: if you’re going to make a threat, you need to follow through — and a lot of y’all ain’t ready to walk away if a man doesn’t give you a ring when you want it; you’re just hoping that he’ll be “too scared” to lose you. Okay, but don’t you get that if you have made your desires clear about where you want the relationship to go and he hasn’t made any moves, there is no need to threaten him anyway?
Men count up the cost of things more than they are given credit for in this culture, and so throwing ultimatums left and right is only going to cause you to become more mentally and emotionally unsettled and him to start seeing you as the boy — well, girl — who cried wolf because you keep threatening to do something that you know that you…won’t.
2. Whether it’s impatience, fear, or control, there is nothing loving about any of this. I loathe relationship ultimatums — I really do. One reason is because, one of the things that immediately comes to mind is the Scripture, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” (I John 4:18 — NKJV)
If you add to that the fact that the Good Book also says in I Corinthians 13:4 that “love is patient” (which, by definition, means that it waits well and doesn’t complain a lot) — well, if you are trying to control the outcome of your relationship because you are impatient, fearful or both…maybe you need to reevaluate how sincere, genuine and healthy your love actually is (and I’ll just leave that right there).
3. Giving an ultimatum puts the relationship on shaky ground. Earlier this year, PEOPLE published, “What Is a 'Shut Up Ring?' Woman Explains How Her Ex's Proposal Didn't Fix Their Flawed Relationship (Exclusive).” When you get a chance, check it out. For now, I’ll say that one of my favorite parts is when the woman said, "As soon as the dust settled, I realized the ring, the proposal, the marriage, the wedding — none of that changed anything…We still had all the exact same problems that we had before."
That’s the other thing about ultimatums: even if the guy does give in to you (and many do), do you realize that by giving an ultimatum in the first place, that means you both aren’t on the same page — perhaps even the same chapter or even the same…love story? I have worked with couples where the wife gave an ultimatum, the now-husband gave in) and they still have a ton of trust issues…and a part of the reason is because of how they got engaged in the first place: the movement after a threat and, oftentimes, all that does is temporarily deflect from the issues that already exist, or it puts cracks in the foundation of the relationship in ways that neither person expected.
If He’s Not Ready to Marry You, That (Usually) Means One of Three Things
Okay, so what if you are ready for your man to put a ring on your finger, he knows this, and it seems like nothing is happening. What in the world is going on? For the most part, one of the following things is probably the case.
1. You’re not the right person. I promise y’all that one day, I’m gonna go on tour with my belief that you should never substitute familiar for good or good for right — and honestly, a lot of folks end up in divorce court due to this very thing: choosing someone who they are very familiar with or selecting an individual who is a good person yet isn’t exactly RIGHT for them. How to know if someone is right for you is its own article; however, a good starting place is “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life” — wait for it — as you do the same thing for him.
And the only way to know this is to have some hard conversations about each other’s purpose, each other’s values, and each other’s life goals and aspirations. Believe you me, when a man knows that a woman is right for him, he’s not going to drag his feet; he will put a plan into place and let her know that he is doing so…without her needing him to “help things along.”
2. It’s not the right time. I know a guy right now who has entered into the ultimatum portion of the program when it comes to his relationship. While his girlfriend is pushing him, he is taking some steps back because he has been trying to purchase a home before proposing, and he wanted to surprise her with it. However, because she can’t seem to talk about anything but when he is going to pop the question, now he’s wondering about the timing and the woman: “If this is how she is as a girlfriend, I’m starting to wonder if it will only get worse as a wife.” That’s a valid point.
That said, though, if you want to know when the “right” time is for a man to make you his fiancée, I wrote “Experts Say You Should Date This Long Before Getting Married,” and it addresses that (cheat sheet: after two years of dating). However, no two relationships or details in them are the same. Listen, a lot of couples go into debt, just from their wedding alone (almost 60 percent, in fact). To him, it’s right when he not only has a ring to put on her finger but a home to move her into as well — and her impatience may just rob her of both. For shame.
3. Marriage isn’t on his menu. The main reason why I thought this clip from singer Shanice was perfect for this particular point is it proves, yet again, that — and yes, I am yelling it — WHEN A MAN WANTS TO GET MARRIED, HE WILL GET MARRIED. And to tell you the truth, that is where a lot of women mess up: they date men who aren’t interested in getting married, whether that is around the same time that the women are or…ever.
And again, the guys who fall in the “B” box, that doesn’t mean that they don’t love you (check out “He Loves You. He's Just Never Gonna Marry You. Now What?”); it just means that they don’t want what you do. If marriage is something that you are super serious about, make that known out the gate — don’t wait until your feelings are “all in” and then get mad at him because you think that if he loves you, he should overlook his own needs and simply give you what you want.
Not only is that potentially delusional, but it’s also hella unfair. Besides, men who are marriage-minded tend to date differently than those who aren’t — they aren’t gonna be cool with you having to pressure them; they have inspired themselves to get prepared.
Always Remember That a Shut Up Ring Is a Choice
@kvy3m the problem is you think you have time. do you see how fast the year has gone by already? you better start doing all the things youve always wanted to doo #cinematography #film #filmtok #cinematic #videography #capcut #comingofage
This past spring, when I wrote, “These 12 Women Broke Off Their Engagements. Here's Why.” for the platform, I don’t think I stopped to consider that there were some “shut up ring scenarios” in it — but there were and boy, am I proud of those former fiancées for not settling for less by thinking that a shut up ring is good enough…because it isn’t. Y’all, marriage is too sacred, too special, and far too important to go into it with one person basically being like, “Here. Now will you stop nagging me?” and another being like, “As long as I get what I want, I don’t care how he ultimately feels about it.” Ughs. All the way around.
And that’s why I wanted to end all of this with the A SHUT UP RING IS A CHOICE. Meaning, a woman who accepts one of those isn’t a victim of her relationship because if she felt like pressuring someone to get what she wants is the right thing to do (it’s not), that is a conscious decision.
HOWEVER, as this last video (kvy3m on TikTok) basically implies, life is too short (and precious) to move in this fashion because, as writer Maureen Dowd once said, “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for” — and a shut up ring is 1000 percent settling for less which means that you are wasting your time because marriage is too long to go into it with someone who got you something, so that you’ll quit talking about it…because your words translated as low-key noise in his mind (ouch).
And so, since a shut up ring is a choice, I hope that all this will remind you to NEVER CHOOSE ONE.
____
Clear communication. Honest intentions. Being on the same page. This helps you to get an engagement ring instead of a shut up ring. Both are your choice.
Sis, you are of great value. PLEASE…choose wisely.
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Featured image by Grace Cary/Getty Images