So, Nick Cannon Told T.I. He’s Never Getting Married Again—And I’ve Got A Few Thoughts
I like Nick Cannon. Sure, I don't agree with everything he has to say—P.S., we've got to stop acting like we're supposed to in order to appreciate what someone brings to the table and the culture—but ever since I saw his video "Can I Live?" many years ago, there's been a part of me that has respected his candor. Yesterday was no different. As he and T.I. (or is it Tip? I can't recall what Mr. Harris prefers these days) chopped it up on T.I.'s new podcast ExpediTIously, the segment where he discussed why he'll never get married again, it particularly caught my attention (of course, it did. I'm a woman, a relationships writer and a marriage life coach).
Nick Cannon On Why He's Never Getting Married Again | ExpediTIously Podcastwww.youtube.com
And because he said, right around the 6:13 mark, "I wish we had some women up in here because there's nothin' but testosterone goin' back and forth", when it comes to a few of his points, I simply wanted to share some of my own thoughts (after reading this, in the comment section, I invite y'all to do the same). Not because there is necessarily a right or wrong to all of this. But because, I believe, with everything in me, that one of the biggest problems in romantic relationships is, we don't listen to what the opposite sex is saying. We dismiss it. We judge it. We berate and denounce it. But we tend to not truly listen. And when it comes to what Nick said—along with some of my male friends who offered insight and clarity—I think a lot of emotional disappointment and relational drama could be spared if we actually did. Share our side? Sure. But give the floor to the flip of it? Also, yes.
Nick on What He Had to “Unlearn” in Life:
"My behavior when it comes to women. It's a whole new paradigm shift. Because I come from the culture of wantin' to be pimpin' and wantin' to be, you know, glorifying the aspect of disrespecting women. I'm still unlearning it, I'm gonna be honest, because my music is still using 'bitch', still using 'ho', but you know, at the same time, we're comin' into this world like, we're embracing our queens; we're gettin' back to that idea of uplifting a woman and understanding that the Black woman is god. But it's a hard thing to unlearn when it's been perpetuated from our music to our movies to sexism, in general, treatin' women like second-class citizens."
My Thoughts:
Kudos to Nick on this one. My senior year in high school/freshman year in college (1992) is when there was an episode of A Different World entitled "Someday Say Ho!" It was about Charmaine being called a "digit ho" by her math classmate, Terrell. He had to go before the school board because of it. You know, it's kind of amazin' that it really wasn't all that long ago when hearing a woman being called a "ho"—by a man or a woman, even if that woman is her friend—was considered to be highly-offensive. But I digress. Anyway, this part of what Nick said is important because it should be a reminder to us all that, whether it's "popular" or not, being seen as royalty is something that we as women should require regardless. When it comes to valuing Black women, giving the honor that is due is not a trend. Full stop.
Nick on If He’ll Ever Marry Again:
"I don't think I'll ever be able to be with just one woman again; that's gonna be tough for me. I did it in a marriage; I was very faithful in my marriage…the whole time I was married…but once I stepped away, I was like, 'That construct is not designed for me.'"
My Thoughts:
Something that I was telling a male friend of mine last night is I wonder if we as women are willing to even entertain that we might be a part of the reason why so many men seem to feel this way. Wasn't it in the intro of the movie Think Like a Man where Kevin Hart narrated that a part of the reason why men "prized" marriage was because they knew they weren't going to get sex any other way? And these days, a lot of us are giving way more than our treasure box. We cook for men, clean for men, help men with their bills—we act like we're their wife without even remotely requiring that they act like they're our husband. So honestly, I get why and how Nick could come to this conclusion. I used to be the kind of woman who would help a man get to this exact place (see "Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife").
Still, I think there's a bigger point here. Nick said that he does not want to get married. He stated that it's not the proper construct for him. Right after saying that, he went on to share that he doesn't believe in marriage. So, why did he marry Mariah Carey? I believe his exact quote was, "I don't believe in marriage, but s—t, it's Mariah Carey. Whatever she says, I'm with it." He also said that he knows he'll never be in a relationship again ("never" is a really strong word and a really long time, Nick). This is what came out of his own mouth. Nick actually said some form of this, several times, during this 13:32 minute portion of the podcast.
If Google is right, Nick will be 39 on October 8 (Happy Birthday in advance, sir). Although he has accomplished a lot, he is still relatively young. There is still plenty of time for him to evolve into other views and perspectives; like all of us, he still has the right to change his mind. But for now, he said marriage is the furthest thing from what he wants. He doesn't desire a wife. It doesn't matter how wonderful the woman may be. It doesn't matter how much he digs her company. It doesn't matter how good the sex may be either. He's not interested. He clearly said it.
Y'all, when a man tells us where he's at, it's not our job to try and convince him otherwise or to attempt to detect or decipher what he "really" means.
The reason why I wrote "One Overlooked Yet Obvious Indicator That A Man Is Husband Material" on this platform last December is because I used to be notorious for not taking men at their word; for thinking that since we had some sort of connection, they wanted the same kind that I did—if not immediately, eventually. I had to accept that taking that type of approach was not only semi-delusional but disrespectful to those men as well. Disrespectful? Yep. How would you feel if you told a guy something and he didn't take you seriously? See what I mean? It's OK to want what you want. It's also OK for a man not to want what you want. The key is to know when to let him go so that you can get to what you want. So that you both can be happy.
Nick on Why He Doesn’t Want to Get Married Again:
"I don't wanna be responsible for nobody else's happiness. Like, I'm still tryin' to figure out my s—t. I'm still tryin' to get my shit together…and, the fact that I have a condition that, stress, [it] puts me in the hospital on some lupus-type shit. And, to me, all relationships equal stress. I ain't never been in a relationship that wasn't stressful. Whether I was puttin' the stress on myself, or she was puttin' the stress on me…ever since I've been out of relationships, I haven't been back in the hospital… I love women, I love various women, and they understand how I move."
My Thoughts:
A wise person once said, "We all need to learn the difference between who we are responsible for vs. who we are responsible to." Although the responsibilities that a man has with a wife vs. a girlfriend are different, a woman with a healthy sense of self-worth knows that no man is "responsible for" her happiness; that is something she is to figure out on her own. But if what Nick is saying is he doesn't want a lot of relational responsibilities, period…then yeah, he should remain single. And again, kudos for him saying that he needs the time and space to get his own life together. No one should be out here "saving" folks. Let your Creator do that.
That said, the reality check for me was when Nick said that since he has not been with a woman, he has not been in the hospital either. Yikes. This one really hit home because I'm in sessions all of the time where I'm either looking at the husband or wife like, "Geeze, if you're like this here, I can only imagine what you're like at home." It definitely reminds me of what my final boyfriend once said, "A woman should be a man's sanctuary." It also reminds me of one of my favorite check-yo'self-before-you-wreck-yo' self Scriptures: "A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands." (Proverbs 14:1—NLT) Oh, this one too—"It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and fault-finding woman." (Proverbs 21:9—AMPC)
Love and stress are not synonyms. All of us could stand to remember that on a daily basis.
That's what I have to say to us. What I will say to Nick and men in general, is I hear you. Just make sure that when you say "stress", you're not really meaning "responsibility". You know, I thought it was interesting that Nick did say that he wanted more children, just not a committed relationship. I don't know any relationship more "stressful" than the one parents have with their children and Nick, you're all for signing up for more of that. So sir, while I definitely think that every woman reading this should strive to be a "sanctuary space", at the same time, with TIME articles like "A Good Marriage May Help You Live Longer. Here's Why" and Vice's "Marriage Makes People Happier, New Study Finds", I'd encourage you to reflect on if it's relationships that are stress-filled or if it's the women who you're choosing to be in those relationships with. Or…could it be you, as you also mentioned? Just sayin'.
Nick’s Feelings on Love:
"I'm still a hopeless romantic. Just because I don't believe in relationships, doesn't mean I don't believe in love…I have certain situations where I'm like, 'Yo. I want this person to be in my life forever, but I don't wanna sign no paperwork with 'em''…why we gotta bring in government into this? I don't f—k with them already."
My Thoughts:
Ah, the government. If you don't know the history behind where marriage licenses in the United States came from, it's not a pretty story. It was basically a way to "police" interracial relationships. Still, whenever someone (usually a guy) tells me that they don't see the point in getting married because "it's just a piece of paper", I'm always like, "Then hand me the deed to your house or title to your car." Yeah, don't come at me with that. A marriage is a contract, no doubt. Benefits come with it too.
A woman who desires marriage is worthy of one. Again, full stop.
Aside from that, I will say that, although Nick seems to live, eat and breathe commitment-phobia, that doesn't mean that what he said here was contradictory or ridiculous. I know some men who feel the same way—that just because they don't desire a long-term commitment, that doesn't mean that they don't know how to love, or that they don't love. I think the reason why this is hard for a lot of women to accept is because, when they see all of the blaring red flags that a serious relationship isn't in the cards, it's usually after they've given their all. As a result, they feel gypped and resentful. I've got a couple of non-committers who love me. We get along just fine…now. Why? It's simple really. Since they don't want what I do, we're just friends. When you accept that out the gate, it's easy to care for—and be cared for by—someone who isn't on the same page as you but still has something of value to bring into your life (if indeed you feel that is the case).
Here’s a Doozy—Nick’s Feelings on the Purpose of Marriage:
"I believe that relationships, in mainly marriage, is designed to please women. Just because, they get the dress, they get the ring, and all of that stuff. All of their life, they're talking about oh, getting the husband…Like even at my wedding, I was a part of the wedding. Tell me where to stand, where to go, I'll be there. I'll repeat what this nigga say and…"
T.I. (in agreement on wedding planning, in general): "I've never seen anything that was so much of a racket."
My Thoughts:
A wise man once said, "God and a good wife are two of the best things that a man can have." That said, something that I tell brides-to-be all of the time is, "So, you're a bride for a day. You're a wife after that." Meaning, if you're a wife who's reading this, don't you find it interesting that Nick said that marriage is designed to please women, but then he immediately went into weddings to illustrate his point?" Personally, I will say that there aren't too many things that irritate me more than a woman who exclaims the Bridezilla statement, "It's MY day!" while she's in the wedding planning process. If you're taking your marriage seriously, your wedding day is an official declaration and celebration of your union; not of you to yourself but you to your husband. So, no…it's not just your day. It's y'all's day. Maybe if more of us saw it like that, less men would think about wedding like Nick does.
But Nick—and I think this is a great place to end this piece—I've heard you speak of God and the Bible often throughout your career. Again, even when it comes to religion and spirituality, humans tend to evolve. But I will say that when a woman was first introduced in Scripture, the word that was used is "helper" (Genesis 2:18).
God knew that men needed our help. And while being married to the right husband (which is another message for another time) means that we are loved, cherished and valued in a way that is truly incomparable, don't ever get it twisted—when a man is married to a good—and his right—wife, it pleases him. The help—"to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need; contribute strength or means to; render assistance to; cooperate effectively with; aid; assist—that he receives, daily, most certainly pleases—brings pleasure and satisfaction—to him. I can send you at least 10 email addresses, off the top of my head, of husbands who will certainly vouch for that.
Again, although I didn't agree with all that Nick had to say, it did offer up some food for thought. It reminded me that in order to have my views respected, I need to respect the views of others; that men and women are not the same and it's OK because God made it that way, and again, when a man says something, whether I like, agree with it or not, I need to take it at face value. It spares a lot of unnecessary-ness. It helps to keep things clear and peaceful too.
Thanks for showing up in my YouTube feed yesterday, T.I. and Nick. This was the kind of talk—that needs to happen more often on both sides of the gender fence—for sure.
You can check out the entire part of the podcast here.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
6 Signs You're A Relationship Self-Sabotager
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Here's How To Know You're Ready To Love...Again
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Featured image screenshot via YouTube
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next October (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
'It's Not All In Your Head': How Four Black Women Finally Got The Answers They Needed About Fibroids
If someone had told me I’d be working toward my third fibroid surgery in less than six years, I would have had a hard time believing them. First, because obviously, no one wants to ever hear the word "surgery" (unless it’s cosmetic surgery you’re opting for). But the more significant reason is I’d never heard any of the women in my life talk about fibroids, so the idea of having all of the complex issues because of them, on top of surgeries, was truly a foreign concept.
After my doctor told me I’d need a second surgery in March of 2023—a hysteroscopic myomectomy—after bleeding every day for over six months, I was over it. Not just over the symptoms. But I was done feeling siloed on an island dealing with the pain, feeling tired all the time, and the heaviness of what felt like endless trips to the doctor for ultrasounds, blood transfusions, blood count checks, MRIs, etc.
I would try to explain what I was feeling, and my pain was written off because I guess period pain is just supposed to be normal. I’m here to tell you it is not. And because we’ve been conditioned to just deal, that’s the way things should stay. Yeah, no.
What is a hysteroscopic myomectomy? Hysteroscopic myomectomy is the most minimally invasive procedure to treat fibroids. A surgeon removes fibroids by inserting a hysteroscope into the uterine cavity through the vagina and cervix.
So, I wrote and directed an animated short film to bring educational and entertainment value to helping the world learn about fibroids. With $25,000 of my own money, I went forth and made the film titled Super High: A Period Piece. Now, it’s making its rounds on the festival circuit, even gaining entry into two Oscar-qualifying festivals: the Chicago International Film Festival and the New Orleans Film Festival. We even won Best Narrative Short at the Morehouse Human Rights Film Festival in Atlanta.
As I was venturing onto the festival circuit, my editor asked me to write a piece highlighting the experiences of Black women with fibroids. Initially, I planned to highlight up to 15 stories. However, as I started working on this story, I thought hearing the experiences more in-depth would be equally impactful. So, we chatted with four women about their fibroid journeys.
The one thing we all had in common, which made me sad but also made me feel seen, was that none of us knew much about them beforehand. However, our willingness to openly share our stories will hopefully change that for many women now and beyond.
Keep reading for four women’s stories about their journey with fibroids.
Rosco Spears, artist and creative director
Before your journey with fibroids, did you know much about them?
Before my journey with fibroids, I didn't know much about them. I'd never heard of fibroids until women around me started getting diagnosed. I was dealing with heavy, painful periods long before I was privy to any of these diagnoses.
Shortly before I was officially diagnosed with having fibroids (2012), I learned that my sister and other women in my family also had fibroids. As I've grown older, I've learned that my three sisters, many cousins, aunts, etc, have also had fibroids. It's simply an issue that was never discussed.
How did you find out you had fibroids?
I found out that I had fibroids while living in NYC. I was fed up with the pain and discomfort from my period, so I shopped around until I got an answer that I thought made sense. I met a wonderful woman doctor who finally diagnosed me, and she offered me several options for easing the discomfort. During this time, I would often bleed between periods.
In 2013, one of my "in-between" moments was more than the spotting that I was used to, so I took myself to the emergency [room]. I learned that my hemoglobin [levels] were at seven, and the doctors wouldn't let me leave the hospital without getting a blood transfusion. They also highly recommended that I get surgery to remove the fibroids. Once I officially got the diagnosis, it was scary, but it also felt amazing to know that I could begin planning a path forward.
What are hemoglobin levels? To ensure adequate tissue oxygenation—a very important complex dance between the lungs, blood, and cardiovascular system—a sufficient hemoglobin level has to be maintained. The normal Hb level for women is 12 to 16 g/dl. Low hemoglobin levels mean your body isn’t getting enough oxygen, which is why you feel very tired and weak.
If you're comfortable, we'd love to hear about your treatment. Did things go as planned? Were you nervous about what your doctor suggested?
I've had two abdominal myomectomies, one in 2013 (16 fibroids were removed) and another in 2020 (51 fibroids were removed). I was nervous about the idea of being cut open during the myomectomy, but I didn't think that the outcome could be any worse than the pain that I was already dealing with. Both surgeries went just as planned (aside from the 2nd surgery being rescheduled due to COVID-19), and my recovery from both was amazing.
In 2013, I was a bit unhinged. I went location scouting for a photo shoot for The Lip Bar three days after I got home from the hospital. My family was very upset, but I honestly felt fine. I had some abdominal pain, but within two weeks, I was back in the studio on my feet all day. After my second surgery, the plan was to try and have a child shortly after recovery. I took my time with healing and did things according to the book.
What is a myomectomy? A myomectomy is surgery to remove uterine fibroids. There are several types of myomectomies, but the procedure you and your doctor decide is right for you will depend on factors like location, number, and size of your fibroids.
How did you feel post-treatment? How has getting treatment changed your quality of life?
I felt/feel amazing post-treatment! For about 2-3 years after both surgeries, my periods were much lighter, and the pain was light [and] much more bearable than it was with the fibroids. My quality of life is much different post-surgery.
There have been years [when] I simply did not have any energy while I was on my period. The most I could do was get up to go to the bathroom and get right back in bed. Or I'd have to carry a change of clothes with me when traveling to work because I couldn't afford to take off during my period, but I knew that at some point, I would bleed through everything. So, in that regard, life is beautiful. I'm no longer passing out, nor do I feel the need to bring an extra set of pants along on the ride.
While my quality of life has improved tremendously, I often joke and say that I have PTSD from having bad periods. What I mean is that I still check my pants often when I'm on my period. And I still get anxiety if I'm in public and I'm on day two or three of my period because who knows if it is just a little blood that I feel coming down or it's a huge clot that's going to ruin my pants. And I still know better than to try and wash my hair on my heavy days because there isn't enough energy to do both.
For someone just starting their fibroid journey, what are two pieces of advice you'd give them?
You got this, sis! It's a difficult journey, but please seek advice from other women on the journey. If one doctor is not giving you sufficient information, find a new doctor. Make sure you're exploring all of the options for fibroid removal/shrinking treatments [because] it is not one size fits all. And take your iron supplements, boo.
How important do you think it is for us to share our fibroid stories with each other and talk about this openly?
Oh God, if I could pay women to share their fibroid stories, I would. It's imperative that we talk with one another about our experiences in health. I shared my fibroid story years ago because I was so lost when I was on my journey. One of my sisters had the surgery before I did, but other than her, I didn't have anyone to talk to about fibroids.
I felt very alone, isolated, and somewhat embarrassed because it felt like this wasn't happening to anyone else around me. It makes a world of difference when you can talk with someone about an issue they are also facing. We will learn a lot more by discussing shared experiences—much of which you cannot learn from talking to your doctor or Google.
La-Anna Douglas, women’s advocate and motivational speaker
Before your journey with fibroids, did you know much about them?
Being someone who started my period at the age of 10, I was in the dark when it pertained to fibroids and other reproductive health issues. I had never heard of fibroids, and I didn’t know that the pain I was experiencing, along with fertility delays, was because of the fibroids sitting in between my two uteruses. The pelvic pain, excruciating periods, fatigue, and protruding belly to someone else would have been a dead giveaway. But I had no idea what was going on with my body. I also did not know of anyone in my family dealing with fibroids.
How did you find out you had fibroids?
I was diagnosed with fibroids by a reproductive endocrinologist [and] was finally properly diagnosed after suffering for 16 years. I finally found a doctor willing to listen to my concerns and, most of all, believed that I wasn’t making it up. She scheduled me for a thorough examination, and I was soon scheduled for laparoscopic surgery. I was diagnosed with three fibroids, endometriosis, and a uterus didelphys (two uteruses and two cervixes).
Uterus didelphys is a rare congenital condition where you're born with two uteruses. It's commonly called a double uterus.
Again, I was misdiagnosed for years, and my pain was minimized. I was labeled as the girl with bad periods. I would have cramps for 3-4 days on my left side of my belly and then cramps for 3-4 days on my right. In actuality, I was having two periods from two different uteruses with three fibroids pressing on my wombs with endometriosis wrapped around my fallopian tubes and my uterus. When I heard all of the different diagnoses, I was angry, overwhelmed, scared, and confused. But the worst thing is that I was unprepared mentally and emotionally for the diagnosis and the journey ahead.
"I was misdiagnosed for years, and my pain was minimized. I was labeled as the girl with bad periods. In actuality, I was having two periods from two different uteruses with three fibroids pressing on my wombs with endometriosis wrapped around my fallopian tubes and my uterus."
If you're comfortable, we'd love to hear about your treatment. Did things go as planned? Were you nervous about what your doctor suggested?
I was told not to worry about removing the fibroids surgically after being diagnosed in my 20s back in 2008. But in 2020, during the pandemic, my pain started to escalate again. So, I was scheduled for an ultrasound, an MRI, and then a double-balloon procedure. I was told that my fibroids had grown and they were contributing to the secondary infertility I was experiencing. My doctor gave me two options. Would I rather have a hysterectomy?
I had already gone through 30 years of horrible periods, eight years of infertility [and] finally having a miracle baby in 2013 by God’s grace, and I had already gone through multiple procedures. Or I could do the robotic laparoscopic myomectomy, where they would remove the fibroids and open my two cervixes by also doing a hysteroscopy. At first, [I] wanted to do a hysterectomy, but [after] talking to my family and praying about it, I decided on having the robotic laparoscopic myomectomy. I was a little nervous but knew I was in good hands.
What is a laparoscopic myomectomy? A laparoscopic myomectomy is a minimally invasive procedure to remove uterine fibroids. A surgeon makes four tiny incisions in your abdomen and then uses a laparoscope, which is a special instrument that contains a light and video camera, to operate through the incisions.
How did you feel post-treatment? How has getting treatment changed your quality of life?
Post-treatment, I felt relieved and grateful. The healing journey was okay. I had a lot of support from my family, especially my husband. After the healing, [I am] loving on my body because the many scars on my belly are my beauty marks. I started to get more confident in who I was. The doctor who did the robotic laparoscopic myomectomy believed that I would get pregnant again.
Well, six months after the surgery, I became pregnant with our second miracle baby girl after eight years of secondary infertility at the age of 40. And to think, [had] I decided on the hysterectomy, she would not be here. Our surprise baby has brought so much happiness to our family.
For someone just starting their fibroid journey, what are two pieces of advice you'd give them?
For anyone just beginning their fibroid journey, my advice would be to advocate for yourself no matter what the diagnosis may be. Your voice matters, and you control your narrative. If the doctor is not listening to you or your concerns, you have every right to seek a second, third, fourth, or as many opinions as you wish until you are heard and properly cared for. KNOW YOUR WORTH!
[And,] to always love on yourself through the journey with fibroids and anything else you may be going through. YOU ARE ENOUGH. The physical scars and the invisible scars are your beauty marks. And share with others how you are feeling and what you are going through. Please do not suffer in silence!
How important do you think it is for us to share our fibroid stories with each other and talk about this openly?
It is so important that we share our journey with fibroids because there is power in supportive stories. We all must realize that we are not alone. There are so many of us who have similar situations going on or may be feeling the same feelings you may be feeling.
Sharing your story also helps to heal those hurts that happen on the road to diagnosis. Healing taps into the strength that has been lying dormant inside of us, and when that strength is ignited, there is nothing that can stop you from advocating for yourself and others who begin to share their stories with you.
Dawn Heels, award-winning fibroid advocate and campaigner
Before your journey with fibroids, did you know much about them?
I knew absolutely nothing about fibroids apart from the fact that my mum had one (she found out when she was pregnant with me), but even with this information, she didn't know anything about them.
How did you find out you had fibroids?
I had always suffered [from] extremely heavy, painful periods. I thought [this] was normal, [so] I didn't link it to the fact that something could be wrong with me. I first discovered I had fibroids after experiencing constant pain in the left-hand side of my abdomen in 2016. During an ultrasound scan, I was told I had 2 x 4 cm fibroids by the sonographer.
Two types of ultrasound scan can be used to help diagnose fibroids: an abdominal ultrasound scan – where the ultrasound probe is moved over the outside of your tummy (abdomen) a transvaginal ultrasound scan – where a small ultrasound probe is inserted into your vagina.
I hadn’t a clue what they were, and when I went back to see my doctor, he told me that I had nothing to worry about because fibroids were common, normal, and I should deal with any pain with a hot water bottle and ibuprofen. And because he told me I had nothing to worry about, at that moment, I didn’t worry.
If you're comfortable, we'd love to hear about your treatment. Did things go as planned? Were you nervous about what your doctor suggested?
Over the next six years, my pain and suffering got worse. I displayed horrendous fibroid symptoms: bum cheek pain, leg pain, painful, heavy, clotty periods, lower back pain, extreme pain, abdominal/pelvic pain, early pregnancy symptoms, tiredness, ‘preggo belly,’ painful sex, long periods and was infertile. I finally saw a consultant who changed my life, as he was the first person to listen to me and put a plan in place.
"He transvaginally scanned me and told me I actually had at least six fibroids, the biggest being the size of a grapefruit, and with that, I would have to have an open myomectomy."
He transvaginally scanned me and told me I actually had at least six fibroids, the biggest being the size of a grapefruit, and with that, I would have to have an open myomectomy. I cried so many tears because I thought if I was to ever have an operation that resembled the C-section, I would be giving birth to a baby, not tumors! The operation was a success, and he removed 16 fibroids and left 2 in to give me a chance at conceiving. I lost a lot of blood and had an emergency blood transfusion one week later.
After eight weeks of healing, I started to feel much better.
How did you feel post-treatment? How has getting treatment changed your quality of life?
The open myomectomy gave me my life back—a good quality of life. I wasn’t in pain anymore. My periods were shorter and significantly lighter, and best of all, I fell pregnant six months after surgery!
What is an open myomectomy? An abdominal, or open, myomectomy removes fibroids through an incision in the abdomen, typically on the bikini line. The recovery time generally lasts up to six weeks.
For someone just starting their fibroid journey, what are two pieces of advice you'd give them?
Educate yourself on the condition so you can guide the conversation and ask relevant questions when going into your consultations. Advocate for yourself, too! Too many of us will just agree to all sorts of nonsense just because the medical professional says so! You are the expert over your own body, so speak up!
How important do you think it is for us to share our fibroid stories with each other and talk about this openly?
I became an ‘accidental’ advocate because I shared my story. My inbox was inundated with messages from other ladies who had suffered or were currently suffering. That’s how powerful a share is.
Camille Austin, model and content creator
Before your journey with fibroids, did you know much about them? For example, did you know what symptoms to look out for?
I did not know much, if not anything at all. So, I did not know what symptoms to look out for.
Did you know if anyone in your family had ever dealt with them?
Yes, my mother, but she was already going through menopause, so our symptoms did not seem comparable.
How did you find out you had fibroids?
[I went] to my primary care physician, who is also a WOC. She performed a pelvic exam, and when I told her about all of my symptoms, she thought it was fibroids. It took a while and [was] frankly [an] annoying process to finally get to an MRI where they found three fibroids, one the size of 15cm.
And how did you feel once you got the official diagnosis?
I felt relieved and scared—scared about what this meant about my fertility. [But,] relieved that I had answers and I was going to get better.
If you're comfortable, we'd love to hear about your treatment. Did things go as planned? Were you nervous about what your doctor suggested?
I had to have surgery due to the size [of my fibroid.] I had an open and laparoscopic procedure done and was on the table for eight hours. I did not initially trust my surgeon as she wanted to jump straight into a hysterectomy. Common practice says that the only way to stop them from ever coming back is through a hysterectomy, which I find to be a bit extreme. To me, it sounds like it's just under-researched, and not enough efforts are being made because this largely impacts WOC, but I digress.
"My surgeon thought because I'm so young, healthy, and strong, she did not put me on a hospital list, which gives another doctor the ability to treat me overnight should something happen. Well, something happened."
My surgeon thought because I'm so young, healthy, and strong, she did not put me on a hospital list, which gives another doctor the ability to treat me overnight should something happen. Well, something happened. I found out I'm allergic to Dilaudid (a common pain med). I broke out and had a third-degree chemical burn around my stomach from the adhesive, and my skin completely broke out. There was not a doctor available to give me even so much as a Benadryl to ease the discomfort. Nurses can't prescribe meds.
It wasn't until I threatened to leave the hospital—I got up and packed my bags—that I received a pink Benadryl pill after waiting for about 6 hours. About a week after I got home, I broke into a fever and was septic. I was rushed back to the hospital and had to spend an additional four days. In short, the healing process did not go according to plan.
After your difficult hospital experience and healing journey, how did you feel post-treatment? How has getting treatment changed your quality of life?
After treatment, I felt so much better after everything was said and done. I would still get the surgery if I had to do it again. When I eventually healed, my periods were shorter. I could fit my clothes again, and I just had more energy to do things since I was not as anemic.
For someone just starting their fibroid journey, what are two pieces of advice you'd give them?
[First,] push for that MRI sooner than later. If you catch them when they are small, you can look into non-invasive ways to get rid of them.
Make sure your doctor has a hospital list, and ask who will be in charge of taking care of you when your doctor is not around.
What does an MRI mean for fibroids? An MRI uses a magnetic field and radio waves to create computerized, 3D images of the uterus. These images can help your doctor decide which treatment is best for you and rule out other issues like adenomyosis and endometriosis.
How important do you think it is for us to share our fibroid stories with each other and talk about this openly?
I think it's important because we can all learn from each other, and this is not just becoming a "woman over 30" problem. According to my doctors, I was far too young, and due to my age, this was something that went unnoticed. Frankly, it should not have been a far stretch because I have fibroids in my breast tissue as well, but somehow, no correlation has been made.
So we have to press the issue, so hopefully, we can look into why this is happening to so many women and not allow a hysterectomy to be the first response.
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Are You Craving A Past Sex Partner Out Of Nowhere? It Could Be Your 'Sex Clock.'
Semi-recently, while talking to a client about why they were semi-dreading the fall season, it reminded me of something that a former sex partner of mine once told me. I’ll start with what my client said first. “Shellie, I don’t know what it is about the fall, but I can go the whole year without thinking about [so-and-so], and then, suddenly, November hits and I’m horny as hell — not just for anyone but him. It’s crazy!"
Eh. Maybe. Maybe not. I say that because…peep what my ex-sex buddy used to tell me when he would find himself doing his own version of “Hey Big Head”, in text form to me, every October for about five years or so. “Everyone has a sex clock. There are some people who stand out to you sexually who you definitely find yourself craving around the same time of year that you started having sex with them. People don’t talk about it but it’s real.”
Now as far as how “common” it is, I’m not exactly sure. However, what I will say is that whenever I happen to share this concept with other individuals (clients included), 8 times outta 10, I basically get the same type of response. First, they look at me like I’m crazy, then they pause and reflect and then their mouth opens wide as if in shock that my sex-ex just may be onto something…BIG.
Now before we get into all of this, I’ll let you know, off the rip, that I can’t find an exact science to back his theory up specifically.
At the same time, though, there is other types of data surrounding the topic of sex and what it does to our minds that could cause you to believe that he’s not totally off base in thinking that a “sex clock” just might be an actual thing; that it’s something that hell, he should at do a Ted Talk — or YouTube video or Instagram Live — about so that more folks won’t think that they are going low-key insane should it happen to them.
Ah, sex clocks. Let me explain further.
This Is How Sex Affects Your Memory
GiphyIn order to lay some foundation here, let’s first talk about how sex affects your memory, in general. For starters, did you know that vagina-penis intercourse has actually been proven to improve both your learning capabilities as well as your memory (it also decreases anxiety and depression)? Probably the easiest way to explain how and why is when you engage in this type of sexual intimacy, it strengthens your hippocampus which is the part of your brain that is not only responsible for learning and memory but how you process emotions too. Okay, so intercourse between a man and a woman boosts memory power and also taps into one’s emotions. Bookmark that.
HuffPost published an article several years back entitled, “Sex And The Memory of Sexual Experience.” Two things that the article said was “Researchers are seeing that certain areas of the brain light up depending on the thoughts, actions and experiences of a person” and “The rush of 'love' chemicals; dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, opiates and other neurotransmitters, fill our body and brain quickly to produce the incredible feelings of love and attachment…” to the point where, if the action (in this case sex) happens several times, it can actually “codify” (makes plans or arrangements) your brain — and stays there.
Once that transpires, “our memories dictate how we will feel about a similar situation because our brain and body is coded from past experience.”
Now, if your brain can “code” the experience, don’t you think that it can also “code” the time when you were first introduced to the experience? Let’s keep going.
The Impact That Nostalgia Has on Your Sex Life
GiphyAh, nostalgia. If there’s one thing that is underestimated, far more than it ever should be when it comes to relationships, it’s that. In fact, I was recently in a counseling session with an engaged couple who happen to be each other’s first love.
What they are working through right now is if the potency of being each other’s first love is enough to get them through just how much they’ve changed since they first dated one another (chile, I totally get it; check out “What Happens When 'The One Who Got Away'...Comes Back?”). A part of the reason why it’s hard for them to process all of this clearly is because of the power of what nostalgia can actually do to a person.
Case in point. Although nostalgia — you know, reflecting on the past — can create warm fuzzies (if what happened in the past is good), it’s also the ultimate “editor” in the sense that, if you’re not careful, it can put you intoa state of denial about the entire experience. Not only that butnostalgia can get you to idealize situations too.
I totally get this because the guy who introduced me to the whole sex clock idea, although sex with him was pretty good (at least most of the time) and he actually was my first as far as certain types of sexual…umm…things…LOL, overall, he kind of was an ass yet because my memories of him would go to how he made me feel sexually first, whenever those texts would come, that would be the initial thing that I would think about — and if I did indulge him, it wasn’t until after a couple of weeks (or months) of copulation, with him, AGAIN, that I’d realize…”Ohhh, this is why I stopped sleeping with your ass…because you are an ass.” (Not mean or anything like that, just…selfish AF.)
Anyway, if you can relate on any level to what I’m saying here, just like the nostalgic memories of Thanksgiving or Christmas can do a real number on you every time the holiday season rolls around, why couldn’t the same thing happen if you recall the time of year when you had some amazing sex with someone and that month or season creeps back around too?
Yep. Bookmark all of this as well as we keep on going.Yes, Other Factors Play a Role in Your Peak Desires for Sex
GiphyIf you add to all of what I’ve already stated, the power of sexual chemistry — whew, chile. Definitely a part of the reason why some people tend to have a bigger sexual impact on us than others typically starts with sexual chemistry because that is all about the immediate physical attraction that you feel towards someone else — and that can’t be faked nor does it happen with just anyone.
Shoot, even when I reflect on my sexual past now, although I had pretty satisfying sex with about 75 percent of my partners, there are some who, to this day, are able to bring a certain smile to my face that others do not — and it’s because of the magnetic connection we shared and yes, having a deep mutual attraction definitely played a huge role in that.
If you then factor in the hormone levels/sex drive that you had at the time of engaging someone who you had a strong sexual connection with (for instance, if it’s someone from your 20s when most folks’ hormones are absolutely raging), the type of relationship that you had with that individual (for example, even if you weren’t officially together, they still made you laugh or feel safe or impacted you in a way that others didn’t or haven’t) and even if you take into account some of the other monumental things that may have been transpiring in your life at the time when you were being intimate with them.
Again, doesn’t it make sense that around the time when they first entered your world, sexually, your mind, body, and spirit may go back there and relive it all on some level, every time that time of year rolls around? Even if it’s just for a brief moment?
At Least Consider the Idea of a “Sex Clock” Before Taking Action
GiphyHmph. With all that has been covered, suddenly a “sex clock” makes sense, doesn’t it? I mean, even I will say that what’s truly wild about all of this is? Y’all, although the guy who brought it into my own psyche and I are pretty cool to this day, it’s been over two decades since we’ve messed around, and yet — a part of what caused me to even pitch this topic is because I thought about fall, how October is my favorite month of the year and yep, for a moment, he came to mind. Why? Because we started having sex in October. That damn sex clock.
So, when it comes to your own sex clock, just what should you do with this kind of information? I mean, you know how the saying goes: an ounce of prevention is certainly worth a pound of cure. Keeping that in mind, if you consider that memories, nostalgia, sexual chemistry, and your hormones are all science-based reasons to “crave” a blast from your past (pun intended and not intended), then when…whoever he is comes to your mind, now there is no need to overthink it or stress out about it. Maybe it’s just your sex clock alarm going off.
Acknowledge it. Woosah through it. And really ponder if replying to that text or DM is actually worth it.
Because sometimes alarms remind us to do something.
Other times? They warn us to wake up.
Especially when a (so-called) sex clock is involved, chile.
Feel me? Now, more than ever…I bet you do.
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Featured image by Giphy