This article is in partnership with Hallmark Channel's Countdown to Christmas.
Bells are ringing and chestnuts are roasting, signaling to the world that it's that time of year again. And though the way we approach the holidays looks a little different this year, it doesn't change the fact that Christmas is a time to highlight the love in our lives: our family, our friends, and our significant others. 2020 in particular has meant finding the silver linings in all areas of life, and that includes the way we approach our wedding planning.
While the pandemic could have very well prevented engaged couples from jumping the broom and saying "I do" for another year, a beautiful pivot has occurred where couples are opting for intimate weddings over larger ceremonies. Such an action has emphasized the importance of the when and where of getting married over the who and how. Love is truly all you need in life's grander scheme.
The when and where of wedding planning is touched on in Hallmark Channel's latest holiday movie, premiering this Saturday (December 5 at 8pm/7c), Christmas in Evergreen: Bells Are Ringing. A part of Hallmark Channel's Countdown to Christmas, this film stars Holly Robinson Peete and Rukiya Bernard and centers around Michelle (played by Peete) and Hannah (played by Bernard). Michelle's wedding is on the horizon, while Hannah is preparing the Evergreen museum for its launch. Amid the excitement and the chaos of the two auspicious events, Hannah finds herself questioning if the love she has for Elliot (played by Antonio Cayonne) can withstand a new challenge.
'Tis the season and in celebration of the film and the theme of love conquers all, even amid wedding planning, we spoke to real-life couples about their wedding planning pivot, why they chose the spaces they wed in, and the way the holiday has changed and not changed in 2020.
Cynthia “Onye” Onyejiji & Lawrence Edem
Courtesy of Cynthia "Onye" Onyejiji
When They Said "I Do":
September 19, 2020
Where They Said "I Do":
"All my life, I dreamed of having this over the top, Disney-love-story type wedding. I had a Pinterest board full of all my dress ideas. I had my Spotify playlist locked and loaded. I was ready! Then the pandemic happened and momentarily shattered my dream!
"However, Lawrence and I quickly pivoted. We decided to have a 40-guest count wedding, instead of a 500-guest count. And we celebrated our love in the backyard of my childhood home. The home where I spent all those nights dreaming of my over the top, Disney-love story type of wedding! It didn't all unfold exactly how we planned, but I sure did still feel like Cinderella (the Brandy version)!"
Why They Decided To Pivot Their Wedding Plans:
"Lawrence and I are all about saving our coins, mmkay! So when we had to decide between a small wedding now or a big wedding later, it was a no-brainer. Not only were we able to save a lot of money by having an intimate wedding, but we were also able to begin our married lives together pretty quickly. I planned our wedding in just two months and it turned out to be everything I never knew I needed."
Courtesy of Cynthia "Onye" Onyejiji
"Not only were we able to save a lot of money by having an intimate wedding, but we were also able to begin our married lives together pretty quickly. I planned our wedding in just two months and it turned out to be everything I never knew I needed."
The Benefits Of Having An Intimate Wedding:
"Before the pandemic hit, we were spending a lot of time, money and energy on planning this big wedding. It was extremely stressful. Once we decided to go with a smaller wedding, it allowed us to focus more on what really mattered to us. And what mattered to us was saying 'I do' and starting the rest of our lives together."
Their Favorite Holiday Traditions:
"This year, Lawrence and I are looking forward to celebrating our very Christmas together as a married couple. Usually, for the holidays, we'd exchange gifts and spend time with all of our family. However, due to the pandemic, we won't be able to celebrate with our family, so we're looking forward to starting our very own traditions and hopefully one day sharing them with our children."
Their Biggest Love Lesson Of 2020:
"The one thing that the pandemic will never be able to cancel is love. Our story is proof of that!"
For more of Onye, follow her on Instagram @piecesofonye and on YouTube.
Cara Thibodeaux & Harley West
Courtesy of Cara Thibodeaux
When They Said "I Do":
November 22, 2020
Where They Said "I Do":
"We were married at Chapel Dulcinea in the Texas Hill Country of Austin. We decided to elope after learning that the venue was totally free!"
Why They Decided To Pivot Their Wedding Plans:
"At the beginning of 2020, we planned our wedding for 2021 in Hawaii to bring our family and friends back to the island of Oahu where we got engaged. Unfortunately, there have been many restrictions in regards to traveling to Hawaii from the mainland so we decided to push our wedding back to 2022 to allow more of our friends and family to come to our wedding. We got the crazy idea over the summer after we decided to push our wedding back to have a small elopement ceremony with our immediate family."
The Benefits Of Having An Intimate Wedding:
"We kept the decorations minimal, the guest list was our immediate family, and we broke tradition by helping each other get ready with each other the day of our ceremony. We feel that an elopement ceremony allowed us to focus on each other more than the event itself and we are so glad we did!"
Their Favorite Holiday Traditions:
"Every Christmas we make vegan sugar cookies together and it's always so much fun to bake together. We also buy matching Christmas pyjamas to wear on Christmas Eve. Now that we are husband and wife, I don't think those traditions will change but we are excited to hopefully have a little one soon to enjoy the festivities with!"
The Biggest Love Lesson Of 2020:
"Being at home with your significant other almost 24/7 really shows you if you are fit to be married. We've become even closer during these crazy times of 2020, had more meaningful conversations, and without the influence of other friends and family around us all the time, we've been able to define how we want our marriage to look like, what kind of parents we want to be, and what type of life we want to live."
For more of Cara, follow her on Instagram @greatfullgirl.
Anika Joseph-Henry & Marvin Henry
Courtesy of The Henrys, #HenryThingIsPossible
Photo Credit: Kevin Warren
When They Said "I Do":
October 23, 2020; "The three-year anniversary of our first date."
Where They Said "I Do":
"Fortunately for us, our plans remained the same from our August 28th engagement to the October 23rd wedding. Our ideal location was Central Park, since this was the same location where we had our first date on the same exact date (October 23, 2017). Recreating the intimacy of our first date on our anniversary couldn't have been any more beautiful. We would also say that COVID made it easier for us to break the news of an intimate wedding to our guest."
Why They Decided To Pivot Their Wedding Plans:
"Having an intimate wedding was always the plan. From early on in our relationship, everything we did was intentional. Marriage was already a plan, but having a big wedding wasn't ever something that we wanted to do. We knew it was time, and once engaged, we saw it fit to marry right away."
Courtesy of The Henrys, #HenryThingIsPossible
Photo Credit: Kevin Warren
The Benefits Of Having An Intimate Wedding:
"Marriage was always a goal. We moved as a unit in just about everything we do and knowing that we didn't want to have a huge wedding made planning an intimate ceremony even easier during COVID. Additionally, our joint decision to have an intimate wedding came from the very idea of 'not wanting to put more thought into a wedding than the MARRIAGE.' Plus, larger weddings do not necessarily translate to a perfect marriage, okurr!"
Their Favorite Holiday Traditions:
"The holiday season have always been about family for us. Since our shared love language is quality time, we take advantage of any time-off opportunities to have dedicated family time. As a tradition, we both enjoy having at-home gatherings and entertaining family and friends. 2020 will limit our plans of having folks over, but it's a tradition we started when we met and will continue."
Their Biggest Love Lesson Of 2020:
"Love is something that is imperfect. But you must work at it and being intentional with the ones you love is so important. We're living through times that none of us have experienced in this lifetime. This is the time to make sure you keep your loved ones close and be sure that they know it."
For more of The Henrys, follow Anika on Instagram @madam_anni and Marvin @dimeana_rips.
Kendall Keith & Rob Newell
Courtesy of Kendall Keith and Rob Newell
Photo Credit: Gin and Sake, shot at the Cosmopolitan Hotel of Las Vegas
When They Said "I Do":
November 20, 2020
Where They Said "I Do":
"Originally, we had plans to be married soon-ish (like in a few years) in Hawaii (ideally). Our actual plan this year was just to have a big engagement earlier back in July on our 10-year anniversary, but because of COVID, we had to use those savings (that was for my engagement ring) so we could survive the first few months being in financial uncertainty while adjusting to the changes of the pandemic.
"Because of this, our ideal engagement and marriage plans went on hold indefinitely, which made me rethink over time what it means for us to get married. I then decided to forego the engagement all together and tie the knot, just the two of us. No one else there. Because we can't travel, we figured the best alternative to a 'destination elopement' was to run (drive) off to Vegas!"
Why They Decided To Pivot Their Wedding Plans:
"We've always been a little unconventional and had teetered with the idea of having some sort of small wedding or destination elopement, and while we never had any concrete wedding plans prior (other than we planned to marry someday), COVID just somehow solidified what marriage means for each for us, as opposed to getting caught up with the idealization of a perfect wedding/elopement."
Their Favorite Holiday Traditions:
"You know, we've been living together for nine years, and funnily enough, we don't have big holiday traditions! The closest we have to a tradition is watching Die Hard on Christmas Day every year (this started as a direct rebuttal to my husband's family's yearly ritual of having A Christmas Story on 24/7 on Christmas day, haha). As to how it will evolve as a married couple and the times we're now in, I think any traditions we take on will just have that much more meaning in appreciating the people we have in our lives and spending time with them, whenever we are allowed to again."
Their Biggest Love Lesson Of 2020:
"The biggest takeaway I've learned is that at the end of the day, when we all leave this world behind, is that all we have is the people we know and love and how we treat them. Our family and friends. And the times we get to spend with them are precious, because this year has taken a lot of that away for most of us."
For more of The Newells, follow Kendall on Instagram @kendall.keith and Rob @robbien38.
Nakia & Andrew Means
Courtesy of Nakia and Andrew Means
Photo Credit: Kendal Lanier/Champagne Love Stories
When They Said "I Do":
2020
Where They Said "I Do":
"In my parents' living room [in] Atlanta, GA. Our original venue was the Biltmore Ballrooms. It was the first and only venue we visited. We were in love with the classic look! The ceilings reminded me of the Louvre museum in Paris, France. Although we did not get to get married there, my parents went above and beyond to transform our home. They assembled a floral arch, floating candles and a draped backdrop. They have huge windows in their living room which made for beautiful lighting in the pictures. Many people who saw our pictures thought we got married in a cathedral!"
Why They Decided To Pivot Their Wedding Plans:
"We both realize this is a very sensitive decision for each couple, and it will look different from ours for many. While we were looking forward to the big celebration with our family and friends, we just could not wait to start our lives together. There was a little uncertainty about moving forward without all of our friends and family present. However, the longer we are married, the more confirmation we receive that we made the right decision. I cannot imagine 2020 without getting to marry my best friend!"
Courtesy of Nakia and Andrew Means
Photo Credit: Catherine Cansler Photography
"More than having a wedding, we really wanted to start our lives together. The joy we have experienced living life together as husband and wife far outweighs the sting of changing our original plans."
The Benefits Of Having An Intimate Wedding:
"More than having a wedding, we really wanted to start our lives together. The joy we have experienced living life together as husband and wife far outweighs the sting of changing our original plans. We had to condense our wedding guest list down from 200 guests to 10. Needless to say, only our parents and siblings were present. Many of our guests were disappointed, but everyone understood. We opted not to broadcast the wedding via Zoom or any other platform to preserve the intimacy of the ceremony."
Their Favorite Holiday Traditions:
"We love visiting the Botanical Gardens in Atlanta, GA to see their Christmas lights display. I also love watching Christmas movies. Drew typically just plays along, as he would rather watch re-runs of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air! The wonderful thing about Christmas this year is the fact that we get to experience it in our home, together! We have our tree decorated and we've also taken some Christmas pictures to send out our first Christmas card to friends and family. Drew insists this is a sign we are getting old!
"As we navigate COVID-19 during this holiday season, the main change in our plans will be around visiting extended family. We plan to reserve that for another time. With immediate family, we plan accordingly to get tested prior to holidays for everyone's safety. It just gives us peace of mind before going into their homes. Our parents appreciate it too!"
Their Biggest Love Lesson Of 2020:
"I think our lesson can be summed up with one of our favorite songs - 'Can You Stand the Rain' by New Edition! The male group sings, 'Sunny days, everybody loves them. But tell me baby, can you stand the rain?' When the cute Instagram posts are done and the honeymoon is over, what matters is our ability to work together as a team when challenges come. The way we navigated the change in plans, challenges with vendors, financial decisions and other stresses from COVID-19 validated that we are built to withstand tough times together."
For more of The Means, follow Nakia on Instagram @kiatastic and Andrew @by_any__means. You can also subscribe to their YouTube Channel, This Means Love.
Don't forget to watch the premiere of Christmas in Evergreen: Bells Are Ringing on Hallmark Channel this Saturday 12/5 at 8pm/7c!
Featured image courtesy of Cynthia "Onye" Onyejiji
RELATED
At the beginning of the year, we are being shown how significant 2025 will be for love. From March 1, 2025, until April 12, 2025, Venus, the planet of love and relationships, will be retrograde. Venus goes retrograde approximately every 18 months and hasn’t been retrograde since the Summer of 2023. With love taking a step back at the beginning of the year, we move through a time of understanding the emotional world better and letting go of trying to control outcomes here.
What Does 2025 Have in Store for Love?
It’s time to refocus your relationship priorities overall, and with this retrograde happening in both Aries and Pisces, Aries being the first sign of the zodiac and Pisces being the last; there is a chapter we are closing and a new one we are walking into.
Another significant factor that is influencing relationships this year, is Jupiter’s entry into Cancer. Jupiter brings blessings, abundance, luck, and expansion, and in water sign Cancer, brings these gifts to your emotions. Cancer rules emotional safety, foundations, close loved ones, family, support, and emotional well-being, and with Jupiter in this sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, we experience blessings in stability within love. This is a good year for building stronger foundations in love, aligning with those who are loyal and supportive, knowing what you need emotionally, and being a lot clearer on it.
Letting Go of the Past: The Astrological Theme of 2025
Overall, the guideline for the year when it comes to love is to focus on the bigger picture and let things work themselves out without forcing them to. Magic will come in for you this year when you can assess your needs and wants, let go of illusions or smoke and mirrors, and focus on the things you want for yourself rather than what you don’t. Your focus and beliefs on love are the priority right now, and things will be coming full circle for the better.
Read below to see your personal 2025 love forecast. Read for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
ARIES
2025 is one of the more significant years for you, Aries. A lot of the major transits are happening in your sign, which includes Venus retrograde in Aries at the beginning of the year, Neptune in Aries from March 2025 until 2039, and Saturn in Aries from May 2025 until 2028. Not to mention, Chiron, the wounded healer is currently in your sign until 2027.
What this means for you when it comes to love, is that you have learned a lot about where you want to be here, and it’s the year to implement more of these tools and knowledge of the heart.
This year for love is about honoring your integrity and what you need personally to thrive in life and creating that space to let it in. You need someone who will be there for you through whatever you are experiencing in life and not someone who adds to these challenges. This year is a time of rising above, and choosing better for yourself.
TAURUS
2025 for you when it comes to love, is all about perspective and taking better care of your heart, Taurus. Uranus, the planet of change, rebellion, progress, and upheaval, has been in your sign since 2019, and this year you get a break from all of the surprises. From Jul. 7, 2025, until Nov. 7, 2025, Uranus leaves your sign and enters Gemini, giving your mind and your heart some time to breathe.
This year you are being given the opportunity to see things for what they are, rather than what you fear them to be. You are able to see your relationship dynamics clearer, allowing you to feel more confident in what you are building and creating for yourself in this area of your life. What you are working on this year is letting go of overthinking, and allowing things to play out the way they are meant to in love.
GEMINI
This year you are feeling in balance when it comes to love, Gemini. Relationships are important to you in life overall, as you are a relationship-oriented sign, but it can be difficult at times to keep the balance and perspective here. This year, with lucky Jupiter in your sign until June, you have the opportunity to be blessed with some fortunate circumstances personally and within romance.
You are feeling yourself this year, and this is attracting you success and new opportunities within love.
Uranus will also be in your sign this year from Jul. 7 until Nov. 7, and some surprises are in store for you. Pay attention to what happens in your love life during this period, as similar themes will be coming back around for you when Uranus officially enters its Gemini transit from 2026 - 2032. Overall, this year is about balancing what’s coming and going in love, and finding your peace within your inner confidence for it all.
CANCER
2025 for you, Cancer, is about stability in love. You are growing emotionally from the ground up, and are feeling a sense of support, confidence, romance, and receptivity in your love life this year. You are one of the lucky signs of 2025, and this is due to Jupiter, the planet of blessings, entering your sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026. While Jupiter is in your sign, your life expands and you are able to see the gifts of your world that may have been harder to come by previously.
This is a year of spending more time with your loved ones and feeling more heard and supported emotionally. Safety and security are especially important to you this year, and you are only entertaining the people who feel that way about you and provide that. Many Cancers will be expanding their families this year or developing a long-term relationship, and overall this is a year of feeling stronger when it comes to love.
LEO
When it comes to love this year for you, Leo, it’s about trusting your intuition and listening more to what your heart is telling you. There are not many major transits happening in Leo in 2025, which means there is a lot of room to grow, but you may be feeling a lack of support or encouragement to do so. A lot of Leos are taking a step back to look at where they are currently in love, and yearning for some change and a new direction here.
Neptune will be in your 9th house of adventure for most of this year, and you are being asked to get inspired and do things differently, but don’t take unnecessary risks in love that may not serve you in the long run.
It can be easy to get lost in the fantasy of love rather than the actual reality you’ll live in here, and taking more time to understand yourself, your relationships, and the dynamics in your love life will be necessary. Overall, your heart is healing this year and you are moving away from the past and creating your new future.
VIRGO
This year when it comes to love, you are going through changes that are aligning you closer to your goals and dreams here, Virgo. You are focused on making things work that you want to see bloom, and also letting go of putting effort into people that aren’t reciprocating the same energy. With the North Node entering your sister sign Pisces and the South Node moving into your sign from Jan. 11, 2025, until Jul. 26, 2026, you are doing a lot of letting go over the next year.
However, with the North Node being in your 7th house of love, new doors and gifts are also opening up for you and your partnerships. The more you can let go of perfection and overworking your mind and your heart, the more blessings you will experience when it comes to love this year. In 2025, you also have two Eclipses in your sign, and there are overall a lot of changes Virgos are moving through this year. Your main guidance for love is to stand by the things that serve your heart and release yourself from what burdens it.
LIBRA
Love is coming to fruition for you this year, Libra. You have been through a lot in your personal life these past few years, and walking into 2025, you are ready for some positive change. This is a year of feeling in balance with your personal goals and dreams, and what you are experiencing romantically and financially as well. Relationship dynamics are serving you and your sense of abundance, and many gifts are coming your way in love this year.
With Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn all being in your 7th house of love, your love life and partnerships are the main focus for you in 2025.
You are moving through changes, overcoming previous obstacles, and bringing back the dreamy energy here. With Chiron in the 7th, you are still doing some healing of the heart, but with Neptune now entering, it all feels a little more romantic and spiritual at the same time. This year is about believing in the impossible in love, taking care of yourself, and allowing someone else to take care of you as well.
SCORPIO
This year is all about opportunity when it comes to love, Scorpio. You have your eyes on the prize and are focused on what you want for yourself, but also how you want to show up for love as well. You have goals and intentions that you are setting for your love life this year, and a lot of them reflect the passion and strength you are feeling as you enter the year. Vesta is in your sign this year until September, and you have a spark within you that is a magnet for success and love. You are walking forward confidently and are feeling inspired, sexy, and magical this year.
This is a very sensual and powerful year for you, and this energy is being reflected in the relationship experiences you are having. Jupiter also enters your 9th house of adventure halfway through the year, and there is something special about the trips you are taking and the risks you are taking in love. Overall, this is a year of doing things your way and attracting love to you through your inner confidence and charisma.
SAGITTARIUS
This is a beautiful year of feeling balanced and abundant in love, Sagittarius. There is a lot of energy coming in and you are giving a lot of love as well. This sense of synergy you are feeling within your love life this year has a lot to do with Juno, the asteroid of soulmates, in your sign from Feb. 19 - Apr. 15. Your people are coming in and you have options this year, Sag.
This is a year of feeling loved for the inspiring, outgoing, and unique being you are, and meeting more people who match your energy.
Saturn also enters your 5th house of romance this year, and you are learning a lot through your experiences with others. You are learning how to be more confident in who you are and what you want for yourself and also recognizing the importance of making more time for fun and playful experiences. This is the year to see love as a more light-hearted experience and to not take yourself too seriously.
CAPRICORN
You are letting things come to you when it comes to love this year, Capricorn. You are feeling beautiful, capable, and worthy, and you are receiving the gifts that come from this sense of confidence and patience. This past year, you were setting a lot of new goals for yourself and your relationships, and in 2025, you are experiencing the results of these efforts.
Jupiter moves into your sister sign Cancer from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, and enters your 7th house of love, partnerships, romance, marriage, and harmony. Your love life and experience of it all are expanding this year, and benevolent Jupiter is sending blessings to this area of your life. This is a year of things coming full circle for you in love, and you feel less confused about it all and more sure of yourself and what is becoming for you here.
AQUARIUS
Love is a highlight for you this year, Aquarius. You are coming together with another, and many Aquarius’ will be forming new relationships or growing within a strong relationship. You are experiencing the fruition of your dreams in love, and are also able to heal and let go of past emotional experiences that have been overwhelming for you in the past.
The North Node enters your 12th house of closure this year, and you are motivated towards change, cleaning house, and releasing the cobwebs of the past.
You are walking into new emotional experiences with less baggage and self-doubt, and are experiencing a fresh start in love. This is a year of asking for what you need emotionally and receiving it. Love is coming in for you in harmonious and magical ways, and you are rewriting your story in love in 2025.
PISCES
You are moving through a lot of changes when it comes to love in 2025, Pisces. This is a year of closure, healing, and giving yourself a fresh start, and the way you enter the year will be a lot different than the way you end it. The North Node of Destiny enters your sign this year, and the South Node of Karma enters your 7th house of love. So, a lot of your focus this year is on your personal goals and path, and there may be some neglect or lack of focus on your relationships.
This can create some discord with those close to you, and your guidance for this year is to try to balance the personal successes and wins you are experiencing, with the love changes that also need your attention right now. Know that what leaves your life this year is being replaced by something better, and also know that your healing doesn’t need to have a timeline and you can take as much time as you need to grow. Overall, you are turning a new page in love in 2025.
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Featured image by Anchiy/Getty Images
Take partner, for example. People who are engaged in the same activity are considered to be partners. Those who dance and/or play together are considered to be partners. Individuals who are engaged in a romantic relationship are considered to be partners. Folks who are on the same side are considered to be partners. And yes, another word for spouse is — wait for it — partner. So, what in the world is wrong with the word “partner” as it relates to marriage? According to the dictionary, absolutely nothing — and I’ll go with that resource over some bitter TikToker any day of the week.
Thankfully, not all of social media is lost when it comes to knowing the meaning and origin of words. Take one of my favorite platforms, Beleaf in Fatherhood, for instance. Although I have watched this Black family-friendly platform for a few years now, Glen’s post last month that was entitled, “Why I Left YouTube and Moved To A Farm,” reminded me that one of the things I enjoy so much about the channel is how “word intentional” everyone on there tends (or at least tries) to be.
This definitely includes when Glen also recently posted a video entitled, “She Has to Make Home Cooked Meals in the Hotel Room” — one that pretty much praised his wife for close to 12 minutes straight. In it, he said something that let me know that he knew exactly what he was saying — and why.
And y’all, if you’re someone who happens to be married, I think the same word could really breathe new life (and perspective) into your marriage as well. That is, if you allow it to.
Married Couples Aren’t Always Gonna Agree…And That Is Okay. Beneficial, Even.
GiphyAt the end of this article, I will post the second video that I just referred to, mostly because I think it’s a beautiful thing to watch for yourself. However, the main thing that Glen said that inspired this post is, as he was paying attention to all of the steps that his wife was taking to make not-just-any-ole’ pancakes for the family vs. what his method would probably be, he said, “Although we don’t agree, we are aligned.”
Listen. LISTEN. As someone who’s been working with married couples for two decades at this point, that got me right in the gut. Lawd, how I wish that more people would get that a healthy marriage doesn’t mean that you always have to AGREE (have the same views or emotions about things)…the goal should be to make sure that you always remain ALIGNED, though.
And why shouldn’t agreement be the main priority? To me, I look at agreement in a marriage a lot like I look at perfectionism for individuals — it’s simply unrealistic. Just because you selected someone to “do life with” or, as Scripture calls it (Genesis 2:24-25), “become one” with, that doesn’t mean that you and your spouse are identical — and that alone means that the two of you will not agree all of the time.
In fact, there is plenty of science out here that says that disagreements and conflict can be good for your personal and relational development because they can do the following things:
- Conflict can help you see things from another perspective
- Conflict can teach you how to become a better listener
- Conflict can show you where you need to brush up on your communication skills
- Conflict can help you to master controlling your emotions (and your tongue)
- Conflict can show you how to set and respect boundaries
- Conflict can reveal where you need to show humility (like when to apologize, for example)
- Conflict can help you to become a better problem solver
- Conflict can teach you the art of negotiation and compromise
- Conflict can show you how to see the bigger picture
- Conflict can reveal where you need to mature and evolve as a person
Yeah, anyone who thinks that a relationship should be conflict-free is not only someone who is living in a dream world; they also tend to be a great example of where I am coming from when I say, “Many people are not looking for a PARTNER; they are looking for an AUDIENCE.” Meaning, that they don’t want someone who is going to help them, sometimes through conflicts and disagreements, to become a better individual; they simply want a “yes” person who is going to go along with what they say all of the time. SMDH.
Okay, but what about another Scripture that asks, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3 — NKJV)
Good question, and to that, I will say, if you’re in a serious relationship and you’re considering getting married soon, you mostly definitely need to be in agreement when it comes to some core things like your value systems; how you see family; if you have similar goals and insights when it comes to finances; if you esteem marriage in the same way; boundaries that need to be set with each other and other people (including and sometimes especially family); how a household should be ran; if you see the future in a similar way and honestly, if you’re on similar pages about religion/faith (or at least can you live in harmony if your belief systems are different — check out “6 Things To Consider Before Getting Into An Interfaith Relationship”).
By ignoring how important it is to have similar views on matters as big as these, you can end up being in unnecessary conflict — and yes, as much as a home can start off in peace and with a sense of harmony, the better. After all, “until death parts us” is a really (REALLY) long time.
Beyond that, though, again, it’s okay to not always agree. The goal, instead, should be alignment.
Let’s explore the difference for a bit.
You Can Disagree in a Productive Way…When Your Ultimate Goal Is to Be ALIGNED
GiphyI wouldn’t be surprised at all if the only time when you actually hear about alignment is when folks are talking about the universe or planets (which basically means that they appear to bein a straight line). However, when it comes to what we are discussing today, when two people are aligned, alignment means “to bring into cooperation or agreement with a particular group, party, cause, etc.” In other words, being aligned doesn’t “just happen” — mutual effort is required.
That’s actually why I like the word so much because, literally, cooperate means “to work or act together or jointly for a common purpose or benefit.”
Yep, when married folks want a peaceful dynamic, they strive to cooperate with one another for the sake of a common purpose or benefit…even if there are some disagreements along the way. And, in order to do that, they have to remember how important it is to be aligned with one another — and then be willing to put in the necessary effort.
And how does that transpire? Well, here are some synonyms for align that particularly stand out to me:
1. Ally:
Allies “unite formally,” and boy, are there times when I wonder if my clients are allies or enemies. SMDH. When two individuals have both decided that, no matter what, they are going to stand as a united front, they really can get through just about anything. Period.
2. Troubleshoot:
How cool is it that “troubleshoot” is a synonym for align? I adore that because troubleshooting is all about discovering ways to eliminate problems or malfunctions — yes, even in a relationship. And here’s the thing about troubleshooting: oftentimes, you have to be willing to try several different approaches and methods, all the while BEING PATIENT until you find what works for the both of you or for the problem overall…even if that means following your spouse when you would prefer to do your own thing (follow is another synonym, by the way).
3. Adjust:
People who can make adjustments are people who are flexible; they are not so rigid in their way of thinking that they aren’t willing to shift in order to reach a common goal. So many people can’t make their marriage work or last due to this one necessary skill alone.
4. Accommodate:
One of my favorite definitions of accommodate is “to make suitable.” When you watch the video of Yvette making the pancakes for her family, because they are in a hotel in Mexico, she has to make some accommodations, i.e., make some adjustments, in order to get the job done. Would it be easier at home? Yes, yet the objective is to do her best with what she has. Mature individuals get that this should be the ultimate objective of marriage too. Be willing to make accommodations. Again, mutually so.
5. Sympathize:
“Sharing in the feelings” of your partner is what sympathizing is all about. Hmph. You’d be amazed by how much peace can come to a stressful situation if both people are simply willing to understand how the other individual feels about it — and then validate that emotion.
6. Mend:
“Mend” is such a bomb word for marriage. That’s because mending is about making things whole, repairing what’s been damaged, removing defects, making progress, and setting things right. I know far too many people who married conflict-makers instead of menders. Singles, if you are tiptoeing in on this, if you are not with someone who displays very clear “mending” characteristics — you need to totally reconsider the relationship. TRUST ME.
7. Improve:
I adore this word as well because Glen said that although he and Yvette may not always have the same views or emotions on things (agree) because they are aligned, they seek out how to improve matters and each other — and improve means “to bring into a more desirable or excellent condition.” You know what this means? Sometimes, a disagreement, when done well, can actually make things better than before.
When mutual respect, patience, and a desire to make things even “more excellent” is what the husband and wife want, that is exactly what can happen.
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And all of this is why I say that if married couples are willing to apply the word “align” to their relationship, there can be so much more understanding, growth, and even love that can take place — because when you get that you don’t have to be the same, you just have to ultimately desire similar things for the relationship…you can be so much more effective in your approach.
So, if you’re ready for a healthier dynamic: GET INTO ALIGNMENT.
A game-changer, for the better, indeed.
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