

A few weeks before my 40th birthday, I went through a societal modern-day two-month relationship with a self-proclaimed alpha male (I know).
I found the Alpha to be more present in his physical than anything else. It was new, fun, and I was content for a while. Until spring arrived, where he blessed me with the illest coup de grace, and dropped me.
Typical that I would feel cheated and realize he was only good for one thing in the end. I was mad and, truthfully, the fear set in that I had settled all because of "Nice" sex. Nice sex was nice, but it couldn't have been the best if I could repeat the dreadful phrase: "Sex is Overrated."
As far as I was concerned, if that was it, I wasn't missing much. But I was bummed at having to go through an elimination process of who was genuine, who was not into games, and honestly, who's hung.
I was approaching 40, I felt like I wasn't getting any younger and if I could look at sex as overrated, then I was apparently missing out. I didn't want to waste another minute, but I didn't want to lose the juice of my petals on a stem that wouldn't grow either. So I accepted it for what it was and fell back on pursuing a relationship.
For me, it was true. Sex really was overrated.
My hiatus was peaceful, and it took awhile for me to entertain new friends of the opposite sex. I knew that regardless of what people say, sex is an integral part of a relationship and I wasn't going to go on a try or buy shopping spree with my vajayjay. She's far too valuable. It was that simple. So, for me, it was true. Sex really was overrated.
I eventually grew lonely for companionship and accepted a birthday date from a guy that had been pursuing me for quite some time. I just turned 40, and felt like if I didn't at least give it another chance, then I wasn't being fair to myself.
My date was handsome, not in an obvious way. But he was tall with a mysterious vibe. Not to mention, intelligent, funny, and a complete gentleman. Almost unheard of these days!
After four dates, the sexual chemistry had boiled over.
That star-filled and magical night, we ended up engaged in a wild bout for control, all while completely naked. I felt like a lioness in the jungle. The fear and excitement of being caught and tamed to submission melted my core. He handled me with care, but not fear. The passion and the height of voice that I thought I could never reach played syllables off of his walls. I was sick with defeat and weak in praise.
That walk of shame was more like a walk of fame.
I felt like a new woman bouncing down to that Uber car with my thong in my purse. You couldn't tell me anything; I was ready for more and I got more. I went back every weekend for six months.
He had become my constant, I didn't even notice the addiction that took place.
There were no inhibitions on my behalf, I was sexually open for him.
Then, of course, happy can't go on that long, and my weekend fix became my weekend memory. Misunderstandings and minor spats had revealed themselves and signified that the relationship had its their course, so we mutually called it quits. Well, he called it quits (the whole truth and nothing but it). I reminisced with wine, popcorn, and pasta for weeks after. Hiding my face and being tortured with memories of soul-shaking, convulsing orgasms and wall piercing screams of pleasure.
I have never been so gone; oh the torture.
For the life of me, I could not understand why something so good, could go so wrong, so quickly. I became eager to replace him and fill that position of weekly pipe fitting, but even a "hello" from another man made me cringe. All I could think of was him. I was done and gone off of this man. Once I found myself searching all of his social media profiles, it was a wrap. The time had come for me to get over my Saturday love, even dropping the requirement for all my future men to be at least ten inches with a curve.
Yes, I was that gone. I tried to clone him.
My rehabilitation process was lengthy, and I took some time to perform the usual soul-searching practices. Friends, self-help books, life, and career distracted me from idle thoughts and put me back on the path. Through it all, he and I were even able to rekindle.
As friends at least.
The next time around, I will be better prepared and I have the hope that I get that second chance. We often speak, and I feel confident that I rocked his world just as much as he rocked mine. I might be able to get that old thing back. I'm biting my lip just thinking about it.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- What You Need to Know About Sex in Your 40s | Reader's Digest ›
- Secrets of Great Sex After 40 | Psychology Today ›
- What Turns Him on Most -- at 25, 35, 45 ›
- 3 tips for a healthy sex life after 40 - YouTube ›
- 15 women share the best things about sex after 40 ›
- Sex After 40: Time for a Sex Audit | HuffPost ›
- How to have a healthy sex life over 40 ›
Shonni Gillespie is a writer, graphic designer, and social media manager. The California native lives in the Big Apple, following her dreams of becoming a Creative Entrepreneur. She just released her first book of short stories featuring romance and erotica. You can keep up with her stories and book releases at Goodgirldiaries.com.
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak