Neglect: The Form Of Relational Abuse That Isn't Discussed Enough
While, in many ways, I'm passionate about everything that I write (that's the joy that comes with knowing that you are high-level functioning in your purpose; if you are, it's also a good reason to read "How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'"), if I could get every single Black woman on the entire planet to make the time to check out just one piece that I've written, this would be it. As someone who writes a ton on relationships, I must say that if there is one thing that I don't think is discussed, even one-eighteenth as much as it should be, it's the fact that the source of a lot of unhappiness, dysfunction and relational abuse is neglect. Since we don't talk about it, it's hard to fully see it transpiring. And when something is able to go down without being detected and called out for what it is, that makes it easier for it to continue.
Personally, I know that I've been the victim of neglect in many, if not most, of my romantic relationships. I've done enough self-work to also know that it stems from my childhood. My parents divorcing. The childhood abuse that I experienced. Having a mother who professionally thrived and also traveled a lot during my formative years. And also something that I think affected—and infected—me more than I thought it did back when I was around nine or so—my mother constantly asking her second husband (I'm not keen on the word "step-parent"; maybe I'll share why at another time) and my brother's father for compliments.
I grew up going to church on Saturdays and while we all would get ready, it was practically a ritual for my mom (who is physically stunning, by the way) to stand in the mirror and ask her husband how she looked. Although he wasn't unattractive by any stretch, looking back, I do think that he felt very threatened by mom. More specifically, threatened by how men tended to view her. In response, I think he thought that if he downplayed his admiration, it would "dim her light" (at least in her mind) so that she wouldn't notice the attention of others. Hmph. While he was out here being super insecure, what it modeled to me is marriage naturally comes with levels of neglect; that that's just the way it is.
Y'all, no it's not. Thankfully, as I got older and I was able to choose the people I wanted to be around, I saw couples who affirmed one another. Husbands who absolutely adored their wife and wives who couldn't get enough of bragging on their husbands. Spouses who nurtured, supported and esteemed their partners; not just on special occasions, but as often as possible. It was the compare and contrast that brought me to the conclusion that relational neglect is just as damning and detrimental as any other form of abuse. It's also tolerated entirely too much. I want to do my part to try and stop that—right here and right now.
The Definitions of Abuse. Revisited.
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Whenever people ask me to explain what my childhood (and adolescence) was like, I've come to the conclusion that the easiest—and most merciful to all parties involved—way to describe it is, "My family either got an 'A' or an 'F' when it came to how I was raised." It's the truth. There are certain things that I was taught that should go into best-selling parenting books—that's the "A". At the same time, while it wasn't every day or even every week, there was also quite a bit of abuse that I experienced—physical, sexual, verbal, definitely emotional as well as spiritual (one day, we should delve into what spiritual abuse is really like; you can read some about it here)—that's where "F" comes in. A big part of the reason is because my parents and my mother's second husband were also victims of abuse. So, let me interject something right here—parents, one of the best things that you can ever do for your children is heal from your own childhood wounds; preferably before even having us. A part of the reason why generational curses exist is because un-dealt-with pain is passed on from one generation to another. It's not good enough to survive and tell yourself, "I'll never do that when I have children."
If you don't deal with your trauma, you very well could repeat what is familiar to you, simply because it's a part of the fabric of what you know—whether you want to/intended to or not.
On this side of my own continual quest for clarity and healing, if there is a silver lining that comes from my own trauma, it's that I can spot abuse in others rather quickly. And, if there's one thing that I hear, far more than I ever should, especially from women, it's "Well, at least he doesn't…" Listen, a man who calls you names isn't any better than a man who hits you. A man who constantly pressures you to have sex isn't any better than a man who sexually harasses you. And a man who neglects you isn't any better than a man who tries to control you. The fact that a lot of us believe otherwise is how we end up remaining in abusive situations. So, why is it that I see no "levels" or differences in abuse (the consequences might be different but not the abuse itself)? It's because I know what abuse means.
Abuse: (verb) use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse; treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly; (noun) the improper use of something
Please let that sink in, just as low into your spirit as it can go. If you are misused in any way, that is abuse. If you are treated with cruelty in any form, that is abuse. If you are treated improperly, period, that is abuse.
A great definition of proper is "adapted or appropriate to the purpose or circumstances; fit; suitable". Another reason why a lot of us tolerate abuse is because we don't "get" the purpose of the relationship that we are in. A marriage is supposed to be a cherished partnership; when two spouses don't honor their union as such, there is bound to be some abuse. If you're currently dating someone, they should want to help you get to a higher level as you do the same for them; if that isn't happening, there is bound to be some abuse.
In both dynamics, oftentimes, that abuse is neglect. Because just think about it—if you don't understand why you are doing what you are doing or you don't value who you are doing that something with, it's very easy to neglect both the relationship as well as them. And how do you know, for sure, that this is the type of abuse that you are experiencing?
“Neglect” Is More than Just One Thing
The fascinating thing about neglect is it's not as easy to discern as say, a bruise on your arm or face or date rape (if even your boyfriend forces you to have sex against your will, that is rape). That's because, while a lot of us hold a general definition of the word in our mind, we fail to go beneath the surface of it. Let's do that now.
Neglect: to pay no attention or too little attention to; disregard or slight; to be remiss in the care or treatment of; to omit, through indifference or carelessness; to fail to carry out or perform (orders, duties, etc.)
Now, before going deeper, it's important that I put on record that unrealistic—or worse, unvoiced— expectations is not a form of neglect. Neither is being super needy (a person is to be your partner, not your savior or superhero). The "ouch" truth that some of us need to hear is, we're the victim of self-neglect because, rather than making it a priority to cultivate our own beings, we're looking for another person to do what we won't do for ourselves. No, what I'm speaking of is when you and someone else, mutually decide what the purpose of your relationship is, when you choose to be a part of one another's intimate lives, and yet—little attention is paid, no f—ks are given, there is a constant attitude of total indifference and/or the expectations that were agreed upon don't happen. If one, some, or all of these things are happening to you (or you are doing this to someone else), that is what it means to be neglectful. And since that results in "improperly using" the relationship, that is a form of abuse.
Why Do We Tolerate Neglect in Relationships So Much?
Right on January 1, a song popped up in my YouTube suggestions, that is basically the theme song for all of this. The artist's name is Savannah Cristina (whew, her voice is totally dope) and the song's title is "SELFISH: 2020". Here are some of the lyrics:
I know you ain't right for me, 'cause you would never ride for me
F—k n—ga got pride you see, 'cause you ain't even on my line, baby
I've moved on to something that is so much better, so much better
Now I'm SELFISH 'bout my money
And I'm SELFISH 'bout my hustle
I'm SELFISH 'bout my grind
'Cause you was SELFISH 'bout my struggle
Boy, I'm SELFISH and I don't give a f—k 'cause I don't owe you s—t
Her voice is so sweet, you don't even realize how hard of a cuss-out she's actually giving, whoever ole' boy is (although, when you think about, this could apply to just about any type of relationship). But I'm sure you can see just how and why the song resonates. Savannah didn't say that her ex hit her. She didn't say that he called her out of her name either. But what she did say was he neglected her. And the reason why I recommend that you listen to all of her words, at least three times in a row, is so you can pay attention to all of the ways neglect can happen.
So, why do so many of us allow ourselves to be abused in this fashion? Aside from childhood trauma and a lack of self-love and self-care that I already touched on, there are probably a billion reasons. But I want to conclude this with one more for you to strongly consider and ponder. Caring for someone is a powerful thing and we, as women, are natural nurturers. I honestly think that a lot of us believe that the more we support and encourage the object of our affection, no matter how little we get in return, it will eventually develop them into who we want them to be—or even who they claim they want to become. But the reality is people do what they want to do, including when it comes to neglecting someone in a relationship. And so, when we experience indifference, disregard and carelessness, what we need to accept is that no, the relationship is not valued and no, neither are we.
It's like if you've got a plant in your house. No matter how much you tell it that you love and appreciate it, if you don't give it some water and let it get some light, it's going to die; if not immediately, eventually. Your words mean very little; it's your actions that matter. And, if you valued your plant, you'd give it what it needs, simply because it needs it. To deprive it is to neglect it, to neglect it is to abuse it, and to abuse it long enough is to destroy it. Anything or one who plays a direct role in destroying something or someone it claims to care about, they are being abusive. ABUSIVE.
If you listen to Savannah's song all the way through, she ends it by saying, on loop, "I'm gonna hold me down." In other words, she's going to give herself what she wasn't getting from dude (or whoever). Listen y'all—when someone agrees to be in a relationship with you, they are agreeing to hold you down as you hold them down. When that isn't happening, it ceases to be relational—at least in a healthy and beneficial way. And when you keep tolerating that reality, not only are they abusing you, but another "ouch" truth is you are abusing yourself as well. You are saying it's OK to misuse you and be cruel to you—to treat you outside of your value and purpose. And that is absolutely NOT the case.
Have mercy, I could go on and on when it comes to this. But, for now, my hope and prayer are that a seed is planted and that you will not neglect to water it. You are far too precious and worthy of love for someone to be intentional about not giving it to you. All forms of abuse are bad and again, neglect is abuse. Don't let anyone mistreat you in this fashion. If they won't hold you down, hold your own self down and bounce. Then watch who comes into your path who will match what you are doing for yourself. Promise me that, OK? OK? OK.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Recognizing The Signs: Emotional Abuse Is Still Abuse
How I Reinvented Myself After An Abusive Relationship
This Is How Emotionally Abusive Friends Act
'Red Table Talk' Reminds Us That Self-Love Is The Cure To Domestic Abuse
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
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When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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The End Of The Road? Zoë Kravitz And Channing Tatum Reportedly Split
Rumors are circulating that Zoë Kravitz and Channing Tatum's engagement has come to an end. Adding to the intrigue, two hours prior to the news of their split becoming public, Channing celebrated the exciting announcement that he and Zoë would reunite for an upcoming alien invasion movie entitled Alpha Gang.
Some folks are saying that October is now “uncuffing season” as partners won’t have to deal with the weight and expectations that come with this time of year. From matching Halloween costumes to voting to Thanksgiving and Christmas, it seems the new cuffing season has moved to January.
In August 2021, Zoë and Channing were first rumored to be romantically involved after being photographed riding together through the streets of New York City on a BMX bike. The following month, they were seen leaving the Met Gala together, and Tatum confirmed their relationship on Halloween by posting a picture of them wearing a couples costume from Martin Scorsese's iconic 1976 film Taxi Driver on Instagram.
Instagram/@channingtatum
After collaborating on Zoë's directorial debut, Blink Twice, where Channing played a starring role, their relationship blossomed into a full-out romance. Approximately a year later, the Step Up star popped the question.
Because the streets are always watching, PEOPLE reported that Channing joined Zoë in seeing a production of a play by Blink Twice costar Levon Hawke in New York City's Red Hook neighborhood on Oct. 6. Most recently, Kravitz has been seen in public without her engagement ring, notably during an outing with her Big Little Lies co-star Shailene Woodley.
So the news of the split kinda comes as a surprise as we were just oozing over the couple’s undeniable chemistry during their Blink Twice press run in August. Channing and Zoë openly discussed their relationship and collaborated on multiple videos that went viral.
Even proud papa Lenny Kravitz gave his approval. During an interview with BBC’s Radio 2, he said, "He was raised well. So, you know, he’s got manners. He’s charming. He’s a soulful human being. And so, he’s become part of the family quite quickly. He fits and they're in love. We’re going to have a wedding next year."
As we mourn this breakup, let’s run back some memorable moments from the possibly uncoupled pair.
"Art is our love language."
When asked about future collaborations with her boo during the premiere of Blink Twice on Aug. 23, Zoë shared, "I think it's what we love, and we love talking about it, and experiencing it, and supporting each other.” Channing chimed in saying, “This is what I'll say about creating with someone that you are with or love: I suggest it. If you are thinking about having a kid or if you're thinking about getting married, go find the hardest possible creative project with your partner.”
“I got you forever.”
Channing took to Instagram to share an adoring photo of him holding Zoë. He captioned the photo, “This little sweet. She So tired bro. Every time I wondered if she’d break…. She just kept going and going and going. Always on the dig for truth. She pour’d every single ounce of her into this film. I’m so proud to stand ten toes down for her, this film and everyone in it. forever. Knowing what it took to make it. No one will ever know.”
The last line took us out: “Thank you for finding me and seeing me. I got you forever. Me and you back to back against it all. I’ll never blink. Let’s go. #blinktwice”
GOAT Talk
On Complex’s GOAT Talk, a show where stars are prompted to reveal their favorites of all time, Channing and Zoë disclosed their go-to song for singing in the shower, their beloved ad-lib line from Blink Twice, and their stance on conspiracy theories and their favorite rapper. The moment Channing challenged Zoë’s answer that Catwoman is the best superhero of all time was just too cute.
“The Lie Detector determined…”
The cast of Blink Twice underwent Vanity Fair's well-known lie detector test, facing a barrage of probing questions. Among the inquiries were: Did Channing Tatum and Naomi Watts ever irritate Zoë Kravitz during the filming of Blink Twice? Did Naomi ever pilfer anything from the set? Did Channing's portrayal of Gambit in Deadpool & Wolverine surpass his personal expectations?
Best of all were the moments you saw Zoë and Channing look at each other adoringly and when they would finish each other sentences. “We are equally cool,” Zoë beamed.
Puppy Love
The pair hung out with BuzzFeed and a slew of adorable puppies while chatting about their favorite improvised moment on set, who has the best rizz — which is apparently Channing according to Zoë — and their first impressions of each other. Not only did they binge-watch Love Island together but they also boasted they would win Love Is Blind if they were on the show.
The Pressure
Zoë Kravitz recently sat down with Esquirefor an interview and got real about her thoughts on becoming a parent. She shared that she's always kinda thought motherhood might not be her thing. “For a long time, I felt like there was something wrong with me. I was waiting for this light to go off in my head, and it never did. When you’re younger, you’re like, ‘Well, I can’t have kids. I’m too young! It’d be crazy.’”
Her viewpoint on childbirth and parenthood has evolved as she has matured and witnessed the societal pressure placed on women to reproduce. While she recognizes the immense strength and courage required to carry and raise a child, Kravitz believes that women should not be made to feel obligated to do so.
Zoë continued, “For a lot of people that have children, it is this giant, life-changing event – and I do think there is a certain amount of focus and respect that they should get from their community. There’s a lot of pressure on women to have children, and there’s a feeling that if you don’t, you don’t have purpose here.” The director feels a special connection to her new movie akin to giving birth.
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Featured image by Dave Benett/WireImage