

As early as elementary school, I remember taking the twenty-minute ride to Philly's Temple Hospital with my father every evening to pick up my mom from work where she'd be waiting for us on the bench by the back entrance every single time eager to leave the work day behind.
I lost count of how many times I witnessed them make complete U-turns in the cereal aisle when spotting patients they recognized from their hospital jobs, which sent a message about their values when it came to the workplace loud and clear:
Keep your personal and professional life separate.
In fact, build a brick wall complete with floodlights and layered security between the two.
It wasn't because they were ashamed or had anything to hide. As I grew older, it became clear that it was protective measure that ensured the less people have access to your personal life, the less they are able to use against you. Now, as I head to work each day, I've noticed I've adopted a similar attitude where I want work to be more about handling business and less about making BFF's. In my cubicle you'll find more post-it notes than pictures of my daughter. Most days, the mantra I chant through the work day is, "I'm here to make money, not friends."
Because the truth is, when you've built a bitter relationship with the 9-5 struggle, you hit a point when you're over the obligatory small talk at the Keurig.
The limited amount of energy that becomes your life when you're a working mom leads you to prioritize who is worth investing your time, effort, and energy into and, most days, it's not Suzanne from HR.
A recent article published in Harvard Business Review revealed that I'm not alone when it comes to being protective over my personal life as it pertains to the hustle and bustle of the work day. "Why Black Employees Hesitate To Open Up About Themselves" takes a look at an African-American employee at an international bank who, despite exceeding expectations with his work performance, was passed over for promotions repeatedly before he finally got the nerve to discuss the issue with his supervisor. The supervisor's response? "You are really good at your job, but the problem is that the partners feel they don't really know you."
Afterwards, the employee set out with a goal of engaging in more social activities like staff lunches and fantasy sports competitions, all in the hopes of relationship-building, which he says eventually led to growth in his professional career.
Now, before you can finish saying, "Ain't that about some bulls**t," anyone who has worked in the corporate world is familiar with the office politics of socializing and schmoozing your way to a promotion and/or pay raise. But how do you find the balance between being personable without being fake or phony? How do you maintain friendly and respectful relationships at work while still allowing some distance so that work doesn't feel so closely connected to your personal happiness and self-worth?
It's something I found myself forced to explore when a lay-off I experienced left me unemployed and questioning my whole identity. I enjoyed the work I did at the time and, for the most part, the people I got to do it with, but after the lay-off, I was left asking myself questions like, "Was my manager jealous of my side-hustle as a writer? Maybe I shouldn't have divulged that info to someone I soon learned had secret celebrity blogging dreams of their own."
When I learned that supervisors had pretty much laid off their entire staff at the small non-profit to maintain their six-figure salaries, I felt violated. What good was that conversation about my baby's favorite foods if at that end of the day you didn't give a damn about how I'd pay for it? Everyone won't have my same experience, but the situation taught me that work should only be but so intertwined with your personal life. In the event you're stripped of your position, you still want to be able to have a healthy sense of self and feel like the connection you had with people you once engaged with every day for eight hours wasn't all in vain.
The article goes on to state that finding the balance between the personal and professional can especially be a struggle for African-Americans. Many of us were raised in a culture that encourages keeping private business behind closed doors, and in the work space, when many of us are already navigating microaggressions and racial boundaries, shooting the s**t can be more difficult than necessary. For example, my sister and I can talk about Chris Rock's latest stand-up special and find the same jokes funny, but Kathy from Accounting might be offended and the next thing you know, I'll be sitting in front of Suzanne from HR wondering if this will affect my paycheck.
The piece explains that with disclosure comes risk, and it's not just African-Americans who have reservations:
"Opening yourself to others requires risk taking and trust, but without it employees are less likely to build the deeper relationships that lead both to success and to more happiness at work. Our research focuses on African-Americans, but this dynamic applies to the acclimation and professional trajectories of all those who find themselves in the minority at work, including working mothers, older employees at youth-oriented start-ups, and people whose conservative political views make them feel like outliers in organizations dominated by liberals or progressives."
It's not always necessarily about being anti-social either.
I have made friends at work in the past that I've talked to both on and off the clock. I've enjoyed happy hours, holiday parties, and even playdates with colleagues who I developed friendships organically with. But admittedly, it's been difficult for me to navigate the idea of small talk leading to career success. I've always felt like my work should speak for itself and I should be afforded opportunities that were a good match for my talent and work style than just because me and a manager both love Black Ink Chicago. But the authors of the piece say that half-priced margaritas with your manager may just be a necessary rung on the career ladder, and research shows that it's not that people of color aren't turning up with their colleagues, it's that they don't always feel comfortable being themselves while doing so:
"The problem is not that minorities fail to show up for such outings."
"However, in our surveys, minorities are more likely than others to report attending out of a sense of obligation or a fear of negative career consequences if they don't appear."
The studies also confirm that differences aside, attitude is everything and the fact of the matter is if you're only showing up to happy hour out of obligation and not due to organically formed connections, it shows:
"Regardless of race, people who would prefer to skip such events typically come away feeling no more connected to colleagues than when they walked in the door."
Also, when it comes to connecting to colleagues it can be a struggle to find safe things to talk about that doesn't make working next to a person eight hours a day uncomfortable.
Many employees fear that sharing personal details about their lives invites a situation where that info can be used against them.
I've sat in meetings where managers have discussed laying off the co-worker whose husband makes a decent salary before the single mother whose one missed paycheck away from a shut-off notice. Regardless of your performance and how much personal info should or shouldn't affect career opportunities, I think it's always best to proceed with caution when it comes to being an open book at work.
When it comes to balancing your personal and professional life, the advice I can relate to the most in the piece is you have to be comfortable with yourself. Regardless of how disenchanted I have ever been in a position, I've always found that the people I am drawn to the most are those who are authentic. For every colleague who's ever responded with, "Who?" when I've mentioned my love for all things Iyanla Vanzant, there has been another screaming from the printer, "You have to do the work, beloved!"
When you stay true to what drives you in your career and who you are the connections and opportunities will come, and more importantly, they will come from the people and places that are right for you. In the article, a black woman who goes by "Karen" recalls several white colleagues asking her what she did for her birthday one year and how hesitant she was to share about attending a Kirk Franklin concert because they probably didn't even know who the gospel artist was. The moment was significant to her because she realized any position worth having is one where your unique skill set, background, and outlook are welcomed and not discouraged:
"If I am not comfortable with who I am, the music I like, the places I like to go, how can I expect my coworker to value me for who I am? What is so wrong with being excited about Kirk Franklin?"
When it comes to navigating the nuances of your career growth, it helps to create boundaries and rules that keep you safe, motivated, and work for your individual path as a professional. You also have to understand that with growth comes risk and challenging yourself out of your comfort zone once in a while. Work shouldn't be a place where you're uncomfortable being yourself, and adapting to new people and outlooks can be intimidating, but scary doesn't always mean wrong.
It's as simple as being able to bring your distinct identity to your position, without making a mess where you make your money.
With that said, I'm not accepting your friend request unless we've actually had a conversation that wasn't about weather, the Academy Awards, or my awesome "ethnic" hairstyle. You don't get a happy hour invite until I've heard you independently state that you can't stand those squeaky ass shoes our manager wears. And lastly, you can't judge me for listening to Young Jeezy and selling coke in my head until the very last second before I start my shift.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
The ChatGPT Prompts That Got Me Through A Career & Life Transition
Oftentimes when we hear about ChatGPT prompts, there's always some sort of business pitch, entrepreneurship push, or other shortcut connected to money-making. (Well, at least that's been the annoying case with my Instagram feed.) It's undeniable, though, that ChatGPT prompts can be game-changers, even beyond business plans or revenue schemes.
For me, creating and using my own ChatGPT prompts has been more about self-motivation, self-development and inspiration, especially at a tough time of career transitions and personal shifts. And as cray-cray as things seem in the U.S., especially related to one's livelihood, future financial stability, and overall mental health, I decided to take back a bit of my power using a great AI resource that you'll literally wonder how the hell it knows you so well to even answer your prompts so accurately.
Here are a few ChatGPT prompts that have been super-helpful and empowering related to career and finances. Simply visit OpenAi.com/Index/ChatGPT (or use the app of your choice), copy and paste the prompts, and be sure to fill in the blanks before submitting them:
The "Level Up" Prompt
Write an encouraging letter to a Black [your age]-year-old woman who is a [occupation] and wants to level up in her career. She lives in [city and/or state], earns [your yearly salary], and wants to be able to [career passion 1], [career passion 2], [career passion 3] during her work day. She also wants to earn [your dream salary] and work from [office/home/dream place of business] but feels challenged by [briefly state challenge here in 3-4 words.]
I swear ChatGPT got me all the way together, reminded me of the amazing experienced journalist, editor, and speaker that I am, and gave quick tips on how to take things to the next level that are actually doable.
The "Get My Credit Card Debt In Check" Prompt
Write a detailed plan, with categories, for a woman in her [age group] who is a [occupation] earning [your yearly salary]. She wants to cut at least 50 percent of her current credit card debt of [card balance] with an APR of [percentage]. Her minimum payment is [amount] and she'd like to cut down in [days/months/years]. Her expenses include [list] along with non-negotiable spending on [leisure/travel/fitness/wellness or other activity].
From here, it can also create spreadsheets or you can request that it get more specific with each category. You can also request that the plan be adjusted based on the first response and whether it truly fits something you can realistically do. Add more specific details based on your life, the unique challenges you face, or other options you have in mind knowing what you're capable of or you're realistically interested in doing to pay off a debt.
The "Retire Early" Prompt
Write a step-by-step early retirement plan for a woman age [your age]. She has [time in years] of experience in [industry] and has been working for her current company for [how many years]. She also currently earns [amount] per year. She lives in [city and/or state], [rents/owns], and has [amount] in savings. She also has [amount] in her 401K [or Roth IRA---whichever is relevant to your situation.] She currently has [amount] in her checking account(s). [Add any other details about your earnings including side hustles, businesses, freelance work, settlements, lottery, rental income, or other funds you have access to.] She has [amount] in unpaid debt. She'd like to retire by [age; and be reasonable sis] and live in [city and state/country].
While early retirement might seem like a pipe dream to some of us, a prompt like this lets you know that it's more possible than you think. It's also something great to take to a financial adviser so you can sift through what's actually doable (based on real-life scenarios) and what's not.
The "Career Pivot" Prompt
Write a plan for a woman who works as a [occupation] and wants to pivot into earning money doing [new career or career activity]. She is passionate about [activity or goal] to serve [potential audience/client/customer]. She wants to transition out of [current career] to earn [amount] doing [new career or career activity] by [time/date] and earn [dream income that you'd make doing the new career activity]. Include steps and categories. Include a timeline to achieve this by [date].
This is a helpful prompt when you feel stuck in your current role (or even your career altogether) and simply need inspiration on what could be the perfect pivot. You can update this to include different career activities or scenarios, add company names or brands, and even ask for pitches or ways to brand yourself online to achieve this goal.
The "Faith-Filled Career Confidence Booster" Prompt
Write a letter from God to a woman who is feeling like she is behind in life. She feels lost and scared, especially with everything that is going on in the U.S. right now, politically and economically. She is [age], works as a [occupation], and lives in [city/state]. She has [educational degrees or training], loves [three passions/hobbies/favorite activities], and has [mention family, spouse, children, or other loved one, even if a pet here.] She is [mention three things you like about yourself including one about your appearance]. She wants to achieve [list two small but important goals here that are related to personal and/or professional life]. She has faced [list any major and specific challenges, briefly, here] and does not know how she will handle these challenges. Include [Bible verses] of encouragement to study.
This prompt had me in tears, but it reminded me of my Biblical upbringing and my foundation for success and motivation. It also reminded me to get stronger in my faith, to read my Bible a bit more, and to stop allowing doom and gloom to inform my approach to problem-solving.
The "Talk That Career Ish" Prompt
Write a letter from the perspective of a football [or sport of your choice] coach for a woman aged [age] who works as the best [occupation] in [city, state]. She has accomplished [list 3-5 highlights of your career, whether past or recent] and is a leader in [relevant business or career activities that reflect leadership, whether you've accomplished these things or they're aspirational]. She brings the following skills to the work with her: [list 2-5] and she is proud of [aspirational career goal of you at your highest career self.]
Add in the name of your favorite coach and this gets even better! (I used Deion Sanders, but choose who you want.) You'll not only get hyped up to remember the fabulous bad boss you are, but you'll also get tips on how to be even more successful in the future.
Try any of these prompts and use them as stepping stones to prompt positive thinking, further conversations for financial and career planning, or just a fun and potentially constructive distraction from all the mess that's going on. Dig deeper and request more specific steps, inclusions of actual resources like books, conferences, or course recommendations, or create images, vision boards, or graphs. Add in specifics that will help you remain accountable in planning to meet a specific financial or career goal.
Also, this is a big one: Be sure to remember that ChatGPT is simply a tool. It's neither a genie nor the Almighty. You'll need to fact-check, use common sense, and adjust any sort of plans based on your actual reality. Try out these ChatGPT prompts as springboards for sparking imagination, motivation, and innovation.
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Featured image by Getty Images