I don't know about y'all, but as I'm forever on this mission to grow out this hair of mine, I'm always discovering something new. Lately, something that I've been paying attention to is which season of the year typically gives me the most stress as it relates to maintaining length retention. The conclusion that I've come to is wintertime is a mutha. A part of the reason is because since the temperatures are cooler, I like to wear my hair out more; that can wreak havoc on my ends. Another challenge is I like to wear hats more often; since I'm a vintage gal at heart, some of my headwear isn't lined. And yeah, that's not good. Then there's finding the balance between how much moisture is too much and if I'm using enough protein at all. Ugh.
Unfortunately, in times past, not being aggressive in finding solutions to dilemmas like these resulted in my losing an inch or two due to dryness and breakage. But this year, I think I've got a handle on how to get—and keep—my hair wintertime ready. If you'd like to know what tips actually work for me, I've enclosed 10 of 'em below.
1. Get a Good Trim
Trimming your hair does not make your hair grow longer. But what it does do is get rid of split ends, single strand knots and any of the breakage that can make your hair frizzy and uneven-looking. Listen, I hate trimming my hair as much as the next person, but I must admit that every time I do it, my hair is a lot more manageable and easier to take care of. Plus, when my ends are "right", that makes it less difficult for them to "catch" onto my sweaters, hoodies and blazers. So yeah, if it's been more than 12 weeks since you've trimmed your ends, set up an appointment with your stylist or at least invest in a good pair of shears so that you can do a little bit of trimming or dusting at home. Your ends and overall hairstyle will be forever grateful.
2. Deep Condition on a Weekly Basis
You would think, with all of the wetness that comes with winter weather (rain, snow, sleet), that dry brittle hair due to the atmosphere would be the last thing that we'd need to worry about. But actually, cold weather brings brisk winds, freezing temperatures and oftentimes a dip in humidity; less humidity equals less moisture. Not to mention the fact that most of us tend to crank up our central heating which can zap the moisture indoors as well.
One way to combat all of this is to deep condition your hair. If you're currently in the habit of doing it a couple of times a month, consider doing it once a week, just until it gets a little warmer outside.
If you're worried about "over-washing" your hair, using a sulfate-free shampoo and following up your deep conditioning treatment with a leave-in conditioner should compensate for any moisture that shampooing may take away.
As far as the kind of conditioners that are best, check out "Top 18 Deep Conditioners of 2018 for Naturally Curly Hair". Or, if you'd prefer to make some yourself, there are some cool DIY videos here, here and here.
3. Give Yourself a Protein Treatment
While I've been trying to figure out the keys to obtaining hair growth and retention, I've learned that one of the biggest mistakes a naturalista can make is not finding the balance between knowing when your hair needs more moisture vs. when it needs more protein. When your hair feels dry or looks frizzy, that is an indication that it needs moisture. But as far as protein goes, when your hair lacks elasticity, it feels "gummy", it's super brittle or you've recently color-treated your tresses, these are all indicators that you could probably stand to give yourself a protein treatment.
If you're wondering how often you should give yourself a protein treatment, every six weeks or so is usually the norm. You can either go with a popular product like Aphogee or you can make your own.
4. Apply a Hydrating Mask
If you're committed to keeping as much moisture in your hair as possible this winter season, something else that you should do once a month is apply a hydrating mask to your hair. If you use them on a consistent basis, they will help your locks to retain moisture, while eliminating brittleness and frizzing, reducing the amount of product build-up on your hair, and making your hair feel softer and appear shinier too.
There are some hair masks that you can find at your local drug store or beauty supply store, but I recommend making some at your crib. If having less frizz is what you're after, mix two tablespoons of honey with two tablespoons of virgin olive oil. Heat the mixture on low in a saucepan for 30 seconds. Let it slightly cool and apply to freshly washed hair. Let it sit for 40 minutes and then rinse, first with warm and then with cool water (to seal your cuticles). If your hair is drier than you would like, mix a ripe avocado, a ripe banana, two tablespoons of pure Aloe Vera gel and a teaspoon of sweet almond oil. Apply it to your hair right after you shampoo and condition it. Let the mixture sit for 25-30 minutes and rinse with warm water. Both of these masks will have your hair feeling super soft and well-hydrated. Your scalp will feel nourished in the process too.
5. Seal Your Ends with Grapeseed Oil
Your ends are the oldest parts of your hair; that's why they need to be pampered the most. Whenever we forget this, that's why we aren't able to maintain length retention because, just think about it—your hair is always growing.
If you're not seeing any length, it's probably because your ends are constantly breaking off. One way to protect your ends during the winter season is to seal them on wash days and to also apply a little grapeseed oil to them every night (or every other night) before turning in.
The reason why grapeseed oil is such a good look is because it literally works as a natural sealant around your hair follicles. Also, since it penetrates your hair shaft so well, moisture is able to stay in your hair so that your strands won't become dry and brittle. Some other benefits of this particular oil is it's light, it fights dandruff and scalp irritation, and the antioxidants, Vitamin E, flavonoids and linoleic acid that's in grapeseed oil can help your hair to grow faster as well.
6. Be Careful with the Flannel
Anyone who knows me knows that I adore my bed and spending as much time as possible in it. And whenever wintertime rolls around, something that I can't wait to pull out are my flannel sheets. Not only are they cozy as all get out but using them means that I don't have to rely as much on my central heat to keep me warm; that ultimately results in lower electricity bills which is always a winner. If there is a downside to flannel, it's the fact that rolling around all night on them can definitely dry out my hair. Same thing goes for flannel sheets and, as far as winter wardrobes go, flannel shirts. So, if there is ever a time to wrap your hair up either with a satin or silk scarf, this is the time of year to do it. You also might want to only wear flannel bottoms because, our body temperatures change throughout the night and you don't want to sweat because you went to bed cold but woke up burning up. Oh, and if you've got some cute oversized flannel shirts that you want to wear and your hair is long enough to touch your collar, try and wear those when your locks are in a protective style or are up in a ponytail, just so that your ends won't end up constantly rubbing against them.
7. Pull Out Your Cover Ups
Something else that's really cool about the winter season as it directly relates to your hair is, if you don't feel like rocking a protective style, you can always wrap your hair up in a scarf, beret, beanie, fedora or even an ushanka if you want to. Not only are these stylish ways to protect your hair from inclement weather, they can also help to keep you from putting extra stress on your tresses via various heating and styling tools. Just make sure that if you're going to be wearing these a lot that you apply a light oil (like argan, avocado or sweet almond oil) to your hair in order to give it a little extra moisture. Also, if you do opt to wear a hat, make sure to follow this next step too.
8. Line Your Hats
Something I must admit that I have a pretty impressive collection of is hats. During this time of year, if I'm not rockin' a golf cap, I like to wear a wool brim. Brims are cute but man, between the drying out that wool does and the way hair tends to "catch" onto the fabric, they can give your hair all sorts of problems if you don't make sure that the inside of them are lined. If the hats that you currently own aren't already lined with satin, no worries. The internet is your friend and it offers up all sorts of instructional videos to show you how to line your hats on your own. Check out a couple of 'em here and here.
9. Avoid Certain Ingredients in Hair Products
I'm someone who likes to make a lot of my own hair products; that or I purchase some from Etsy. But if you're looking at your computer screen like, "Girl, ain't nobody got time for all of that", just make sure that before you run up into your local beauty supply store, you're aware of what ingredients will work against your hair rather than for it.
Some of those include isopropyl alcohol (it will dry your hair out); mineral oil and petroleum (they will wear your hair down and could potentially block your hair follicles); sulfates (they will strip the natural oils right out of your hair); sodium chloride (it can irritate your scalp) and synthetic colors and fragrances; they can also irritate your scalp and eventually lead to hair loss.
While we're on this particular point, also try and steer clear of any hair product that doesn't lead off with water as its first ingredient. Whatever a label shows first, that's what it has the most of, and nothing can moisturize your hair quite like water does.
10. Get a Humidifier
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Central heat may be convenient, but here are some signs that it's getting on your body's nerves—you wake up with chapped lips; your skin is dry and itchy throughout the night; you can't seem to get over a cold; your throat is irritated; your allergies keep acting up; you end up with nose bleeds or your hair is dry as all get out. The remedy? Add more humidity (which is simply water vapors) into your house and, more specifically, your bedroom. Since our bodies need somewhere between 40-60 percent relative humidity in order for us to be healthy and feel comfortable, it can only work in your favor to put a humidifier in your room during the winter season.
If funds are tight, a work-around is to place a pot on top of or in front of one of your vents so that moisture can hit the air that way. Your health will thank you for it. Come Valentine's Day, your hair will thank you for it too. Happy Hair Winterizing, y'all!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
I Tried 3 Types Of Gel On My Type 4 Natural Hair & Here's What I Learned
10 Natural Hair Products To Add To Your Routine
This Is Why Your Natural Hair Ain't Growin'
The Lazy Girl's Guide To Natural Hair
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
1 In 4 Men And Women Are Faking It—Science Explains How To Change That
It’s no secret that I can’t stand fake orgasms. There are a billion reasons why — some of which I will get into in just a moment. For now, what I will say is, even if you can rationalize that faking orgasms will “get you out of” the sex that you may be having at the moment, when it comes to long-term satisfaction and benefits, how is faking it really going to get you anywhere? At least anywhere good — which is what you totally and absolutely deserve.
And that is why, while I was recently out in cyberspace seeing what the topic of sex had to offer (of merit), a particular study especially caught my attention. The reason why is because, while the topic of faking orgasms has been explored, pretty much ad nauseam at this point, what I haven’t personally seen a lot and enough of is how to stop them from happening so much and when people do them, what personally caused them to in the first place.
Today, we’re going to strive to get down to the root of some of those queries. And so, if you’ve always been curious about how to make the cycle of faking orgasms stop, this piece just might shed a little light. Here’s hoping anyway, chile.
Faking Orgasms. Why I Loathe It So.
GiphyDo you ever stop to think about certain songs from back in the day and wonder if they were released now, would people try to cancel them (hmph, as if this culture ever really cancels anybody for really anything, right?)? An example of what I mean is Alexander O’Neal’s song, “Fake”. If you’re too young to know it, or it’s been a while since you’ve heard it, feel free to go back and listen to the lyrics in order to grasp where I am coming from.
And why am I bringing it up in the context of today’s conversation? Well, whenever I think about folks faking orgasms, that song almost instantly plays in the background of my mind because, while he’s basically talking about the word from the definition of “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc.,” when I think of “faking it” in a sexual way, definitions like “to deceive,” “to pretend” and “anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is” are what I ponder — because y’all, I don’t care how many people do it, how can any of those definitions truly be good, right or helpful when it comes to copulation? Deceiving your partner into thinking that you climaxed when you actually didn’t? Pretending to be satisfied when you actually aren’t? Making sex appear like it’s one kind of experience for you when it actually…isn’t? SMDH. Yeah, that is something that I can never personally get behind, which is why I once penned, “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP” for the platform. To me, since sex is about establishing a profound mental, emotional, and physical connection, how can that truly and authentically happen if one or both involved individuals are not being honest with each other about what they want, need and desire in order to make that happen?
Yeah, when it comes to the ever so popular fake orgasms, I’ll pass and will forever encourage others to do the same.
Faking Orgasms. Why So Many People Do It.
GiphyHere’s what’s wild, though — even if what I just said made complete and total sense to you, there’s still a really good chance that you’ve faked at least one orgasm before (check out “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not”). Know what else? There’s also a good chance that your partner has done the same (check out “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)”. And why is it that so many continue to do it, even if, in the back of their mind, they believe that it’s at least somewhat counterproductive?
Well, from the personal conversations (and coaching sessions) that I’ve had with both men and women, the top reason for why so many men fake orgasms is because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings by telling them that the sex isn’t as good as they might think that it is, and when it comes to women, they fake in order to hurry up and get the experience over with — which, when you really think about it, for both genders, the motives are pretty much two sides of the same coin: people not being satisfied and trying to avoid sharing that reality with their partner.
OK, butwhat does science say is the main cause for men and women faking it? Well, a top reason for whya lot of men decide to go that route is because they simply want to get the experience over with (although being unable to orgasm due to drunkenness, medication, and/or boredom ranked pretty highly, too). And women? Difficulty achieving an orgasm is the biggest one (check out “How Can You Know For Sure That You've Had An Orgasm?” and “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”). Hmph, when I stop to take this all in, I find both reasons to be unfortunate. On the male tip, is it just me, or does it seem like there is a real disconnect of intimacy if that is why men fake it? What I mean by that is, if you’d rather “hurry up and get done” — are you having sex with your partner or at your partner (some of y’all will catch that later)? And, as far as the ladies go, if you are so uncomfortable and/or self-conscious and/or embarrassed about not being able to climax to the point that you will lie and say that you did — do you trust your partner enough to tell him the truth and then are you willing to work through the process of achieving an orgasm…together?
These types of questions are what piqued my curiosity when I happened upon a study of over 11,000 participants that transpired over in the UK. The focal point of it? Since faking orgasms is so prevalent, what actually causes people to stop? Because listen, none of us are actually going to get anywhere if we only focus on the problem and don’t seek to find some sort of solution (lawd).
Faking Orgasms. What Actually Makes People Stop.
GiphyOK, so from what I’ve read and researched, The Journal of Sex Research hassemi-recently published the study that I was just referring to. Before we get into what caused people to stop lying — umm, faking orgasms, check out these findings first:
·51 percent of participants claimed to have never faked an orgasm before
·Close to 66 percent of men and 34 percent of women say that they have faked an orgasm
·Almost 19 percent of men and 35 percent of women say that although they have faked one in the past, they have since stopped
·Almost nine percent of men and 20 percent of women are currently “faking it”
Yeah, I already know. The discrepancies between the men and women are quite noticeable. Let’s keep going, though, because the reason for why men and women decided to stop is the main reason why we’re all here — plus, it’s pretty interesting.
So, when it comes to the demographic of individuals who no longer fake it, what brought them to that point and place? Fascinatingly enough, around 26 percent of both men and women said that the communication between them and their partner improved while 24 percent of both men and women said that it was because their partner became more attentive. Well looka there — when couples connected on a mental and emotional level, the physical aspect of sex got better. Some other points did come into play, though:
·Around 29 percent of women and 25 percent of men decided to be content without having an orgasm
·Around 19 percent of men and 18 percent of women decided to get orgasms on their own (i.e., masturbate)
·Around 19 percent of men and (wow) two percent of women were caught faking it
·Around 15 percent of men and 10 percent are currently not having sex
OK, so when you read all of that, what tripped you out the most? As someone who works with married couples and is a huge advocate of them gettingthe most pleasure possible out of their sexual experiences, honestly, the first three (because, if you are married, please don’t settle fora sexless dynamic). I’ll break down why for each one.
First, if you used to fake orgasms and no longer do because you have settled for — pardon the pun — anti-climatic copulation…settling is exactly what you are doing. Listen, even if you’re not able to achieve a vaginal orgasm (and many women are not), it’s important to remember that there are oh so many other kinds to choose from (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”). And what if you’ve tried those and still there are nofireworks? Make an appointment to see your doctor (to get your hormone levels checked) and/or a sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). Remember, the reason whyyou have a clitoris is so that you can experience the heights of sexual pleasure. If that’s not happening for you, it’s important to do all that you can to get to the root of why.
Secondly, not faking it because you have taken matters into your own hands — literally. So, here’s my issue with that. Unfortunately, our culture is so lust-crazed that we tend to forget (or is it ignore?) that sex shouldn’t ONLY be about cumming; sex should also be about connecting. And so, while masturbation may help you out in the climaxing department, it’s essential to not get so used to it that you fail to bond with your partner or that you put up walls of resentment because there are things that are happening when you’re alone that aren’t happening when the two of you are together. In other words, don’t let jacking off or solo sex toy experiences get in the way of heartfelt and honest conversations with your partner about your sexual needs (check out “How To Get More Of What You Need In The Bedroom” and “Sooo...What's Your Favorite TYPE Of Sex?”).
Finally, getting caught lying — again, I mean, faking it. Yeah, I know that I’m not the only one who noticed that there is a pretty big difference between how many women caught their man acting like he had an orgasm when he didn’t vs. how many men noticed that their lady acting like she had an orgasm when she didn’t. To that, let me first say that if you thought, “If a man ejaculated, he came. Duh” — look updry orgasms sometime. Believe it or not, it is possible for men to orgasm without cumming. And to the fellas (who may be reading this): I continue to be amazed by how you can’t tell if a woman is faking it because even if she is yelling and screaming at the top of her lungs, if her vagina isn’t contracting, guess what? Yeah, between that and extra lubrication coming from her vaginal area —those are pretty common signs that an orgasm has transpired; this basically means that if you don’t notice these things going down, how attentive of a sex partner are you? #justsaying3 Tips to Avoid Faking Orgasms
GiphyNow that you know what science says about why people fake orgasms, did any of the intel surprise you? More importantly, if you can personally relate to what was said, did any of the information inspire you to make some changes in your own sex life? Yeah, if faking orgasms is indeed a thing in your own world right now, as I close this out, here's three quick tips:
1. Remember the definitions of fake. Never forget them. Deception. Pretending. Making something look like something that it is not. No time to get into all of this today, yet I have worked with many people who fake orgasms and…fake other things in their relationship. You don’t want to deceive your partner or yourself. It’s not going to help the relationship. Ultimately, it’s only going to cause hurt and/or harm. Communicate your thoughts and feelings in the way that you would like to hear someone convey theirs to you (respectfully, thoughtfully, etc.); do make sure to share them, though.
2. Stop “performing”. Start being REAL. Know who fakes a lot of orgasms? Porn actors (I prefer to call them that over “porn stars”). That’s because sex work is…work; it’s a billion-dollar industry that people get paid to act like sex is always the bomb. You’re not a porn actor, so why put that kind of pressure on yourself? No matter what the reasons are for why an orgasm isn’t coming for you, if you are having sex with someone who can’t handle the realness of the reasons or “worse”, doesn’t care — don’t put that on the sex or yourself. Sis, you are simply sleeping with the wrong person/people.
3. If you build it, one way or another, it will come…and you will cum.Do orgasms come easier for some than others? 1000 and 10 percent. That is absolutely not the point, though. If experiencing this type of pleasure is what you long for, with the help of your intentions, your partner’s willingness, and if need be, professional assistance, you can get there. Not by faking it — by being honest about the fact that you need more time, patience, and empathy.
____
Clearly, faking orgasms is a common thing; that doesn’t mean that it has to be the case for you, though. As you unpack what has made you start, process how to make it all stop.
Hmph. Better to take a while in order to experience what true bliss feels like than to keep faking it and never really know.
Words to live — and lie down — by. #wink
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