There is not enough time to get into just why I am so thankful for the male side of my tribe. What I will say, for now, is it's my personal belief that a lot of women struggle in their relationships because they spend more time listening to other women about how men think and what men want/need than men — and that can lead to all kinds of problems. This faulty approach has also cultivated a lot of myths about the male species; ones that many of the men who I interviewed for this piece (middle names were used) have said that they don't usually make time to debunk because all it typically leads to is unnecessary debates and arguments — and a lot of men don't care to do either (there goes a debunked myth right there).
This time, they get the floor, though. As I thought about some of the most common beliefs about men — especially Black men — that exist out in these streets, 20 guys took a moment to share their gut reaction to them. Hear them out.
1. Men Prefer Younger Women
Chris. Single. 26.
"Who's that guy who says that all men want women under 30? Kevin, something? That's a joke. A lot of these young women have young minds. What I will say is when you first go out on a date with a guy, you should ask him if he wants to have children or not. I mean, his own children. That is the biggest factor when it comes to the age thing. An older woman can be fine as hell and bring a lot to your life. But if a man wants to build a family, he's gonna factor in that the older a woman is, the more challenging that will get."
Richard. Dating. 32.
"I've always preferred older women. They're sexier. They're smarter. They cut to the chase a lot quicker. Anyone who tells you that younger is better is probably intimidated by what older women bring to the table. A 40-year-old ain't playin' with us. Most men know it."
2. Men Only Have Sex on Their Minds Most of the Time
Raynard. Single. 23.
"I think I read somewhere that men think about sex around 20-25 times a day. That breaks down into roughly one time an hour. Are women trying to say that they don't do the same thing? Whatever. I think women confuse us being visually stimulated with thinking about sex. Yes, when we see a good-looking woman, we're going to take notice. To say that means we automatically think about having sex with her — what are we? In the eighth grade? Men have several erections during the day and I think that can cause us to think about sex. Or, if we're in a relationship and we connect with our lady, sexual thoughts will typically happen. But when you're a Black man in America, trust me, you've got way more to [be] contemplating [about] than sex. It doesn't cross our minds as much as most women assume."
Anthony. Married. 40.
"If you do some of your own research, men naturally have more testosterone and that is what causes a lot of us to have a higher sex drive. If you've got a problem with that, take it up with God. But the notion that all we think about is sex is ridiculous. Some of y'all have been so sold on everything masculine being toxic that you think something is wrong if we're not just like you. Again, take the differences up with God."
"But no, we don't think about sex all of the time and we definitely want a woman to bring more to the table than that. And contrary to what a lot of women may think, sex really is better to us when there's an emotional connection. It's the difference between sex for a couple of months and us wanting to stroll through life with you."
3. Men Repel Marriage
Dontay. Dating. 37.
"I'm not afraid of marriage. What I'm not gonna do is be pressured into doing it before I'm ready. I think it's crazy how a lot of women talk about wanting a man to lead and yet they are trying to push us down the altar at the same time. You will never get to ultimatum me into a wedding ring. All that does is show me that you will try and take over once we're official. That is unattractive as hell. And it has nothing to do with a wedding. Or being married."
Xavier. Single. 31.
"I've been wanting to be married since I was a freshman in college. I think what a lot of women don't realize is they seem to be open to getting married over and over again when things don't work out. Men aren't wired that way. We want to meet the right one and stay with her forever. And we'll take as long as we need to feel secure that we made the right decision. A grown man doesn't fear marriage. What guys have y'all been dating?"
4. Men Don’t Like After-Baby Bodies
Charles. Married. 41.
"Remember when you said to me [Shellie] a while back that a lot of people out here aren't being 'shamed'; they are projecting? I felt that big-time. I don't know any men personally who think that a woman's body after having a child is unattractive. Sometimes the weight that remains, years after, can take some getting used to. But a woman being able to bring life into the world is sexy as hell. We don't care about no damn stretch marks. We want to get up in there, more than ever, actually. Let's make another one!"
Brenden. Engaged. 30.
"Why is it rare to see two big people together? I mean, women are always talking about how they shouldn't be fat-shamed and a lot of them do it to us. Anyway, I have two kids by two different women. Their bodies did change after giving birth, but it was the lack of sex, because they were so self-conscious, that bothered me more than anything their body was going through. A lot of y'all are super self-critical and try and put that on us. It's annoying because a lot of what you assume we're thinking about, hasn't crossed our minds at all. And what's really crazy is you wouldn't know because you haven't asked. You just assumed."
5. Men Have a Problem with Women Making More Money Than They Do
Eugene. Married. 47.
"My wife and I have had seasons where I made more money and seasons when she did. I've been married 16 years now and I'll just say that men aren't nearly as threatened by or impressed with what you've got going on in your bank account. What can be annoying sometimes is the attitude that comes with it — that you don't need to listen to any of our thoughts or input if you make more bread. So, do we have a problem with you making more money? Hell no. Do we have a problem with a funky ass attitude if you do? Hell yes."
Stephen. Dating. 39.
"We want a partner. And not a financial consultant. It's like when women talk about what they bring to the table, it's a laundry list of accomplishments and money records. I recently watched a TikTok where a woman said that men simply want a woman who brings them peace. That's what I'm talkin' about. If you make more money than we do, that's cool. If we can't have a peaceful relationship whether you do or not, I can't tell you how much we don't care."
6. Every Man Wants a Big Ass
Matthew. Dating. 33.
"Hell. This is a trick question because you know how y'all are — damned if we do, damned if we don't. This is gonna be on you because they don't know how to find me! No, all of us don't like these huge asses. Know what else? We can tell when they're fake and a lot of us hate fake anything. I like a woman whose body is real and proportioned. A little something in the back is cool. But so long as I don't have to worry about something sinking or inflating, I'm blessed."
Kenny. Single. 30.
"I think women listen more to other women about what they think men want. I like a nice ass. I do. But the past two women I've dated were pretty straight-up-and-down and they were still fine as f—k. Take good care of your body, whatever your shape is. That is what will catch our eye. Sure, men have preferences but if you're fine, we're gonna be interested. Ass or no ass."
7. All Men Agree with Kevin Samuels
Walter. Married. 45.
"I'm going to say something that a lot of women don't like."
"It's mighty interesting that when all of these women coaches out here are telling you what we think that you're fine with it. Then when a man says, 'Actually, that's some bulls — t', you're mad. Kevin is spot-on when it comes to how entitlement is unattractive, we don't care about your resumè more than your actual personality and we do factor in raising other people's legacies [children]. That brotha isn't on the mark about everything, though."
"We don't all want a size 6 and I personally don't think you should stay with a man who cheats. Bottom line, he's got some good and bad to say. Most of us think for ourselves, though…just like you do."
Terry. Single. 31.
"I'm a man and I'll say that it's a trip how men weren't trying to hear Kevin when he was telling men to pull their pants up but are all about him telling women to take their bonnets off. It's hysterical! Kevin is just the big thing right now. It'll pass. I do think him saying that we're tired of women thinking they can run all over us is on-point. We've been sick of that. But if you think most of us live on his every word, Kevin Samuels isn't your issue. You not knowing us as well as you think is."
8. Men Are Threatened by a Strong and/or Powerful Woman
Willis. Married. 44.
"Nope. Men aren't attracted to women who think they need to dominate men in order to appear strong and powerful — big difference. A man who is secure in who he is wants a woman who is a solid partner. Strength and power are two traits that can complement him really well. Some women watch too much Lifetime television."
Omar. Single. 32.
"Where do y'all get this stuff from? I swear. A strong and powerful woman, especially a Black woman, is amazing. What we don't like is a woman who thinks that strength and power means that she needs to emasculate us at every turn. If you want to 'be the man' in the relationship, get with a woman. But to think that success, money and popular platforms intimidate us, most of the women I know are like this and the men they are with think it's hot. Because it is."
9. Black Men Prefer Black Women…Who Look Like White Women
Jerrel. Single. 34.
"I've got a question. Why is it that when Serena Williams married a white man, sistahs were all 'Yes, girl!' Then when a Black man chooses a white woman, he's a sellout? Y'all bars can be all over the place sometimes. Personally, I am more attracted to dark-skinned women. Always have been. But beauty is beauty. I don't know why so many people are hung up on if someone is light or not. To me, it's if they are attractive or not — skin tone should have nothing to do with it."
Zeke. Dating. 40.
"Looks like a white woman. It's like a lot of Black people need to take a history class on what genetics look like in our culture. So, if a Black woman is light and has curly hair, she 'looks white'? There are women in Africa who look just like that and they are just as African as dark-skinned women with kinky hair. I like Black women. I've dated all kinds of Black women. They're all beautiful to me. To me, because I am pro-Black, dating someone who isn't Black isn't an option for me. So no, I don't want someone who 'looks white'. I do accept that we vary though and if the lady I settle down with has light skin and loose curls, so be it."
10. All Men Cheat
Gerald. Married. 28.
"I read somewhere that women cheat almost as much as men do, so I feel like this question needs to be presented to you guys more often too. When I was single, I wasn't always upfront with women about the fact that I was seeing other ladies. It's because I was single. I've been married for three years now and although I see beautiful women all of the time, y'all don't get how we feel when we've met our one. Cheat on her…for what? She's my best friend. The sex is amazin'. And I don't even connect with other women like I used to. All men don't cheat. The wrong ones do."
Vince. Engaged. 39.
"Do women realize how much work it takes to juggle multiple relationships? And what's crazy to me is, even though the stats continue to say that what, only 30 percent of men do it, we still get the 'all' word attached to us. A man who is about his business doesn't have time to cheat."
"I know men who have done it. I know guys who've never done it before. I cheated back in college. I haven't in my 30s at all. I'm out here trying to make money. What I will say is the guys who keep telling you that they don't want a relationship? They are prone to cheating if you keep pushing them because, what they are essentially conveying is, they like lots of women and exclusivity isn't their thing. Proceed with caution with them. But you're generalizing, big time, to think that all of us roll like that. And I thought women hated to be generalized."
There you have it. If there's any pushback, run these up the flagpole with your own male friends. For now, I'll just conclude with, if we spent a lot more time asking instead of assuming, we could probably communicate with the opposite sex a lot better. That is if we want to…which is another article for another time, chile.
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Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
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DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
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Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
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And that is why, while I was recently out in cyberspace seeing what the topic of sex had to offer (of merit), a particular study especially caught my attention. The reason why is because, while the topic of faking orgasms has been explored, pretty much ad nauseam at this point, what I haven’t personally seen a lot and enough of is how to stop them from happening so much and when people do them, what personally caused them to in the first place.
Today, we’re going to strive to get down to the root of some of those queries. And so, if you’ve always been curious about how to make the cycle of faking orgasms stop, this piece just might shed a little light. Here’s hoping anyway, chile.
Faking Orgasms. Why I Loathe It So.
GiphyDo you ever stop to think about certain songs from back in the day and wonder if they were released now, would people try to cancel them (hmph, as if this culture ever really cancels anybody for really anything, right?)? An example of what I mean is Alexander O’Neal’s song, “Fake”. If you’re too young to know it, or it’s been a while since you’ve heard it, feel free to go back and listen to the lyrics in order to grasp where I am coming from.
And why am I bringing it up in the context of today’s conversation? Well, whenever I think about folks faking orgasms, that song almost instantly plays in the background of my mind because, while he’s basically talking about the word from the definition of “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc.,” when I think of “faking it” in a sexual way, definitions like “to deceive,” “to pretend” and “anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is” are what I ponder — because y’all, I don’t care how many people do it, how can any of those definitions truly be good, right or helpful when it comes to copulation? Deceiving your partner into thinking that you climaxed when you actually didn’t? Pretending to be satisfied when you actually aren’t? Making sex appear like it’s one kind of experience for you when it actually…isn’t? SMDH. Yeah, that is something that I can never personally get behind, which is why I once penned, “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP” for the platform. To me, since sex is about establishing a profound mental, emotional, and physical connection, how can that truly and authentically happen if one or both involved individuals are not being honest with each other about what they want, need and desire in order to make that happen?
Yeah, when it comes to the ever so popular fake orgasms, I’ll pass and will forever encourage others to do the same.
Faking Orgasms. Why So Many People Do It.
GiphyHere’s what’s wild, though — even if what I just said made complete and total sense to you, there’s still a really good chance that you’ve faked at least one orgasm before (check out “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not”). Know what else? There’s also a good chance that your partner has done the same (check out “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)”. And why is it that so many continue to do it, even if, in the back of their mind, they believe that it’s at least somewhat counterproductive?
Well, from the personal conversations (and coaching sessions) that I’ve had with both men and women, the top reason for why so many men fake orgasms is because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings by telling them that the sex isn’t as good as they might think that it is, and when it comes to women, they fake in order to hurry up and get the experience over with — which, when you really think about it, for both genders, the motives are pretty much two sides of the same coin: people not being satisfied and trying to avoid sharing that reality with their partner.
OK, butwhat does science say is the main cause for men and women faking it? Well, a top reason for whya lot of men decide to go that route is because they simply want to get the experience over with (although being unable to orgasm due to drunkenness, medication, and/or boredom ranked pretty highly, too). And women? Difficulty achieving an orgasm is the biggest one (check out “How Can You Know For Sure That You've Had An Orgasm?” and “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”). Hmph, when I stop to take this all in, I find both reasons to be unfortunate. On the male tip, is it just me, or does it seem like there is a real disconnect of intimacy if that is why men fake it? What I mean by that is, if you’d rather “hurry up and get done” — are you having sex with your partner or at your partner (some of y’all will catch that later)? And, as far as the ladies go, if you are so uncomfortable and/or self-conscious and/or embarrassed about not being able to climax to the point that you will lie and say that you did — do you trust your partner enough to tell him the truth and then are you willing to work through the process of achieving an orgasm…together?
These types of questions are what piqued my curiosity when I happened upon a study of over 11,000 participants that transpired over in the UK. The focal point of it? Since faking orgasms is so prevalent, what actually causes people to stop? Because listen, none of us are actually going to get anywhere if we only focus on the problem and don’t seek to find some sort of solution (lawd).
Faking Orgasms. What Actually Makes People Stop.
GiphyOK, so from what I’ve read and researched, The Journal of Sex Research hassemi-recently published the study that I was just referring to. Before we get into what caused people to stop lying — umm, faking orgasms, check out these findings first:
·51 percent of participants claimed to have never faked an orgasm before
·Close to 66 percent of men and 34 percent of women say that they have faked an orgasm
·Almost 19 percent of men and 35 percent of women say that although they have faked one in the past, they have since stopped
·Almost nine percent of men and 20 percent of women are currently “faking it”
Yeah, I already know. The discrepancies between the men and women are quite noticeable. Let’s keep going, though, because the reason for why men and women decided to stop is the main reason why we’re all here — plus, it’s pretty interesting.
So, when it comes to the demographic of individuals who no longer fake it, what brought them to that point and place? Fascinatingly enough, around 26 percent of both men and women said that the communication between them and their partner improved while 24 percent of both men and women said that it was because their partner became more attentive. Well looka there — when couples connected on a mental and emotional level, the physical aspect of sex got better. Some other points did come into play, though:
·Around 29 percent of women and 25 percent of men decided to be content without having an orgasm
·Around 19 percent of men and 18 percent of women decided to get orgasms on their own (i.e., masturbate)
·Around 19 percent of men and (wow) two percent of women were caught faking it
·Around 15 percent of men and 10 percent are currently not having sex
OK, so when you read all of that, what tripped you out the most? As someone who works with married couples and is a huge advocate of them gettingthe most pleasure possible out of their sexual experiences, honestly, the first three (because, if you are married, please don’t settle fora sexless dynamic). I’ll break down why for each one.
First, if you used to fake orgasms and no longer do because you have settled for — pardon the pun — anti-climatic copulation…settling is exactly what you are doing. Listen, even if you’re not able to achieve a vaginal orgasm (and many women are not), it’s important to remember that there are oh so many other kinds to choose from (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”). And what if you’ve tried those and still there are nofireworks? Make an appointment to see your doctor (to get your hormone levels checked) and/or a sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). Remember, the reason whyyou have a clitoris is so that you can experience the heights of sexual pleasure. If that’s not happening for you, it’s important to do all that you can to get to the root of why.
Secondly, not faking it because you have taken matters into your own hands — literally. So, here’s my issue with that. Unfortunately, our culture is so lust-crazed that we tend to forget (or is it ignore?) that sex shouldn’t ONLY be about cumming; sex should also be about connecting. And so, while masturbation may help you out in the climaxing department, it’s essential to not get so used to it that you fail to bond with your partner or that you put up walls of resentment because there are things that are happening when you’re alone that aren’t happening when the two of you are together. In other words, don’t let jacking off or solo sex toy experiences get in the way of heartfelt and honest conversations with your partner about your sexual needs (check out “How To Get More Of What You Need In The Bedroom” and “Sooo...What's Your Favorite TYPE Of Sex?”).
Finally, getting caught lying — again, I mean, faking it. Yeah, I know that I’m not the only one who noticed that there is a pretty big difference between how many women caught their man acting like he had an orgasm when he didn’t vs. how many men noticed that their lady acting like she had an orgasm when she didn’t. To that, let me first say that if you thought, “If a man ejaculated, he came. Duh” — look updry orgasms sometime. Believe it or not, it is possible for men to orgasm without cumming. And to the fellas (who may be reading this): I continue to be amazed by how you can’t tell if a woman is faking it because even if she is yelling and screaming at the top of her lungs, if her vagina isn’t contracting, guess what? Yeah, between that and extra lubrication coming from her vaginal area —those are pretty common signs that an orgasm has transpired; this basically means that if you don’t notice these things going down, how attentive of a sex partner are you? #justsaying3 Tips to Avoid Faking Orgasms
GiphyNow that you know what science says about why people fake orgasms, did any of the intel surprise you? More importantly, if you can personally relate to what was said, did any of the information inspire you to make some changes in your own sex life? Yeah, if faking orgasms is indeed a thing in your own world right now, as I close this out, here's three quick tips:
1. Remember the definitions of fake. Never forget them. Deception. Pretending. Making something look like something that it is not. No time to get into all of this today, yet I have worked with many people who fake orgasms and…fake other things in their relationship. You don’t want to deceive your partner or yourself. It’s not going to help the relationship. Ultimately, it’s only going to cause hurt and/or harm. Communicate your thoughts and feelings in the way that you would like to hear someone convey theirs to you (respectfully, thoughtfully, etc.); do make sure to share them, though.
2. Stop “performing”. Start being REAL. Know who fakes a lot of orgasms? Porn actors (I prefer to call them that over “porn stars”). That’s because sex work is…work; it’s a billion-dollar industry that people get paid to act like sex is always the bomb. You’re not a porn actor, so why put that kind of pressure on yourself? No matter what the reasons are for why an orgasm isn’t coming for you, if you are having sex with someone who can’t handle the realness of the reasons or “worse”, doesn’t care — don’t put that on the sex or yourself. Sis, you are simply sleeping with the wrong person/people.
3. If you build it, one way or another, it will come…and you will cum.Do orgasms come easier for some than others? 1000 and 10 percent. That is absolutely not the point, though. If experiencing this type of pleasure is what you long for, with the help of your intentions, your partner’s willingness, and if need be, professional assistance, you can get there. Not by faking it — by being honest about the fact that you need more time, patience, and empathy.
____
Clearly, faking orgasms is a common thing; that doesn’t mean that it has to be the case for you, though. As you unpack what has made you start, process how to make it all stop.
Hmph. Better to take a while in order to experience what true bliss feels like than to keep faking it and never really know.
Words to live — and lie down — by. #wink
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