I can remember the way it felt the first time it hit me. Like I had been running for miles and was finally able to get a drink of water, like I was eating my first home cooked meal after have been starved for too long, like a crash without a wave – a rush of euphoria.
It built up in the lowest part of my womb, fighting to leave me so that I may arrive. I had no idea I had it in me, not for another soul at least. For so long, that feeling was something I could only achieve alone. Past lovers tried their hardest to beckon it from me, hoping that it would respond when they called its name, “Come." It never did, I never did.
There was something about sex that felt like such a performance and an orgasm always felt like a spotlight shining as opposed to an inviting space where I could arrive at my leisure, not when I was told. I don't think past lovers understood that the way that he does. I gave disclaimers about my inability, my partners would nod their heads in understanding, but the acknowledgement would discontinue being mutual once their ego entered the picture and took center stage.
Oh, men and their challenges.
They looked at me like one. Frantic fingers would press my clit far too hard. Frantic movements in general, it was just…no. I understood why some would fake it, because my lack of an orgasm seemed to be taken so personally by them, as if my body was his own.
Despite what my language might suggest, I was content with sex without orgasms. For a long time, and even now, what I enjoy about sex is the ride itself. I love the way it feels to be filled, how lips and tongues intertwine, arms and lips. How we build just to break. How a want evolves into a need. The little sounds that exits his mouth that mingle with mine into a perfect duet. It's the experience itself for me, not the very end. Until him.
I felt something different in the air between us from minute one of meeting each other. We spoke like we knew one another for years. Our back and forth was instant and magic, our attraction undeniable, our chemistry magnetic. The vibe was right, the timing.
About a week after our first date, we were engaging in one of our nightly calls during my after class commute. Late at night, on the bus with prying ears to hear, I expressed to him how much I wanted him, how I didn't want to hold back out of hope that he'd desire me the more I made him wait.
I wanted to have sex with him.
We agreed that if we took it there, it would be a monogamous exclusive thing despite just officially entering the “talking" stage. I bit my lip. We played together on the phone later that night with my hand between my thighs. With his voice in my ears, giving me direction, calling its name, he gave me my first orgasm. I was able to let go in a way that I hadn't before in the presence of another. He wasn't physically there, but in a way, it felt he was. I tightened and came undone and, with him, it was only the beginning.
The second, would come in another week. I was working on an assignment late Sunday evening in the library with one of my classmates. My hair was tucked away underneath my obligatory winter beanie. I wore my panther pride proudly through my university hoodie and sweats. I wanted him then, but I wanted it to be under different circumstances. I wanted to be vampy, a showstopper. But I couldn't help that I wanted him when I wanted him. So after I finished my essay, I left the library, headed to his house, and I was his.
The seduction was like nothing I ever experienced, perhaps because it wasn't seduction at all. It was comfort, it was vulnerability, it was intimate.
The first time we saw one another naked was during an hour-long shower where we talked about life and listened to music. There was nothing sexual about it whatsoever, to the point where I wondered if we were indeed going to have sex at all. But as I moisturized my body with oil, he stopped me suddenly with a kiss that demanded my attention before leading me back to his bedroom. Then he took me. My gasp permeated the quiet of the house. I had never felt so full. Never. He lifted my legs and dipped his head so that he could meet my lips as we exchanged breaths and moans on one another's tongues. I didn't know I was coming until it hit me.
A combination of the sensuality of our act, the intensity, and how perfectly he fit within me made sex feel like nothing I ever felt before. He was like nothing I ever felt before. I let go. He didn't speed up his stroke at my center's fluttering, instead he kept steady in his movements. Slow, deep, purposeful strokes. My legs were on his shoulders, he bit my calf muscle, and moaned in response to feeling me grip around him. “There we go baby," he whispered against me. And I fell, surrendered to it and him completely. I was his.
In one night he changed my mind about orgasms. He showed me the glory of how it feels to pulsate around someone and writhe through waves of pleasure while touching another person in an act of deep intimacy. It happened so quickly and so effortlessly, without a strategically placed finger or a beckon for it at his lips. It was pure passion and my willingness to surrender to the spotlight I had always shied away from, a spotlight I drew closer to solely because he didn't ask it of me. He got me. He taught me that surrender does not mean I have been conquered.
He taught me that sex was a walk, not a race.
Not something to be determined, to be pressured, cornered, and made to feel like I must “arrive" in order to meet my partner's needs. I felt safe to let go to the extent that I did, because with him, it was not about need or ego. It was selfless, giving, dancing, bathing, it was love. I had never had a vaginal orgasm with someone before him, and he had me so addicted I didn't want to ever go back.
“Come for me." It only answers to him calling its name. It does, I always do. As you may know, an “I love you" soon followed.
Featured image by Getty Images
- How To Have An Energy Orgasm - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- How To Have Different Types Of Orgasms - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- My Orgasms Are Inconsistent, Why? - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- Vagina Facts: Things You Didn't Know - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- How Can I Tell If I've Had An Orgasm - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What a Female Orgasm Feels Like - How Do You Know If You Had ... ›
- Orgasm | Psychology Today ›
- 5 Types Of Orgasms -- And How To Have More Of Each | HuffPost ›
- Mary Roach: 10 things you didn't know about orgasm | TED Talk ... ›
- Women don't need to 'switch off' to climax, orgasm study shows ... ›
- Orgasm, How to Have an Orgasm, Age When First Had Orgasm ... ›
RELATED
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak