I remember my first time ever having sex like it was yesterday – all three minutes of it.
I braced myself in preparation for how painful articles led me to believe it'd be, but was pleasantly surprised that aside from the first stroke, his focus on my clit made my first time only mildly uncomfortable. And several strokes less than I thought it would be. I was 17, a few months shy of 18. We were at his mother's house one Tuesday afternoon. He loved cars and was working on the two he owned outside in his yard, the bass of loud rap music blaring. I guess it was in an effort to make us discreet despite how contradictory it all seems in retrospect.
I was the kind of nervous where it was largely in part due to the unknown, and about 47% was confidence with an “I'm ready" air. I loved him before I knew I did (he'd later become my first long-term relationship). He was a junior, tall, light skin with this beautiful smile, and he had this ponytail at the exact right time I had a thing for long hair. Everything about our chemistry and connection was effortless and I felt safe with him. I never saw losing my virginity as a special awakening moment or rite of passage as most people prophesized it to be. It was just sex to me although with some love added to the mix, it grew to be much more than that. I wondered though if I was the only one whose first time wasn't all that the sitcoms prophesied or, if on the flipside, it was everything that rom-coms suggested prom night first time love-making sessions to be.
I decided to ask five people about their cherry poppin' first time experiences.
Lauren
I was a junior in high school and had been with my on-and-off again high school sweetheart. He was extremely respectful of me and my body. I always felt safe and protected with him. We had a couple close encounters before – making out then eventually into oral sex – but I told him I refused to lose my virginity in the back of a car so it was what it was. The week of Valentine's Day, it was clear from our body chemistry that we weren't going to be able to put it off much longer so that weekend, we went shopping and eventually went over to one of his really good friend's house for a couple's movie night. His friend's family had a theater in the basement with an attached guest bedroom so that was the scene of the magic. When we finally went in the room, I wasn't nervous but I was afraid from our most recent attempt that my first time might hurt. I took control, got on top, and eased my way down. He was very gentle with me, making sure I was okay, until I no longer wanted him to be gentle.
The soundtrack was whatever movie was playing. But in my mind, the song that I knew I would lose my virginity to was "Take It Off (Dim the Lights)" by Pharrell, an album that I was absolutely obsessed with at the time, so that's what I fantasized about while we were doing it. When it was over, I was expecting the world and the universe to shift, but I pretty much felt the same as I had always felt, just normal. I was excited to share with my friends that I had finally been initiated as a woman but even then, I don't think I said anything until weeks later. I felt just as close to my boyfriend then as I had always been, and although I knew that he wouldn't be my husband or anything, I was and am still, very happy to have given my virginity to him.
Jane
My earliest sexual memory was when I was 8, I was young (laughs). I think my classmate wanted me to touch his penis in exchange for some candy. I was like, I wanted some candy, he has some candy, so I'll touch his penis. Even when I was young, I remember dry humping with people. I can't remember my first taste of sex, but I remember I was really young. I lost my virginity when I was 19. I don't know how to word this, but this person was the first man I ever felt comfortable with outside of the males in my family. At this point we weren't even quote unquote together, we were just friends. I developed really strong feelings for him and vice versa. I was really comfortable with him, he was just different. He didn't make me feel like I had to be guarded, or scared, or nervous. I was just really comfortable which is probably why that came about. Because of previous trauma, I had a detachment to sex.
I felt like sex made girls damaged. I had a misogynist view of a woman being touched sexually and that making her “destroyed."
I thought sex was taboo and a thing people did to be nasty. That was all prior to him though. I wasn't afraid to lose my virginity. I was ready. I hadn't heard a lot of horror stories. The people I had known who had lost it had really exciting, thrilling stories about it. I would always hear, “You know when you're ready". I remember it hurting. I remember overthinking it, like what if he doesn't like me after this? What if it's not good? Physically, it hurt at first, but it was like a welcoming pain, like (sighs), I can deal with this pain. We were in my dorm room. My roommate was gone. I was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I remember the music was on. I think my feelings at that point were invalidated through him. I hadn't completely let go of the “sex destroys women" perspective I had, but he invalidated those beliefs because he made me feel so pretty afterwards. He didn't dog me out. He didn't leave. I had this feeling of immense reassurance from him. I don't have any regrets, but I kind of wish I wasn't as grossed out by sex as long as I was.
Shauna
I was 18 when I lost my virginity. I was with the guy for two years at the time. We went to the same high school together, but he was a grade ahead of me. I was under the impression that I was in love and that we would last forever. Now that I think about it, he had been making me feel a little guilty about not doing it. We broke up the summer before and I met some people and did some things, obviously not the big thing, but I did some things. We reconciled shortly after. I don't think there was anything special about him other than the time and energy I felt I put in the relationship for the two years it had been a thing. I was obsessed with sex, obsessed with it, and really wanted to do it but I was picky and wasn't about to do it all willy nilly. I was afraid though. I knew what to expect but it was happening and it was my first experience so there was some fear and apprehension there.
I'm looking back it like, “Damn Shauna" (laughs). I kinda just went for it one day. It was on the floor of my dorm room, freshman year of college, first semester (laughs). It just happened. One thing escalated after the other, and I was just like eff it. I was feeling like, Am I doing this right? Is everything alright body-wise? I was really confident body-wise. Like goddamn, I was hot as shit back then and I look back and feel like I wasted my time with this fake ass Mexican. Afterwards, it wasn't like a shellshock but It was like, so I just did it, okay. It was alright. Honestly, my first time wasn't that great. When I look back, he wasn't that great. It hurt. He made me fried chicken and mac n cheese afterwards. But damn, if I knew then what I know now, I would have ruled college life.
Jason
I was 17 and it was right before my senior year. She was the most significant woman I've ever had in my life. I was a guy and a senior in high school and at that point I was the only person in my group of friends that hadn't lost it, but I wasn't about to give it to just anybody. At the time, the girl I was with was the most important person in my life and honestly, I took her virginity as well so it was kind of a mutual thing. She made me feel like I was the greatest man on earth which is part of the reason why I have the ego that I have now (laughs). I feel like the first time with anybody is really awkward, especially for us because it was both of our first time. It hurt for her and she bled a little bit. I don't feel like my first time is worth remembering other than the fact that it was my first time (laughs) that's the only reason the story is memorable.
I lost it at four in the morning in the computer room of my grandfather's house.
I was really eager to do it, but I wasn't eager to throw it away. The furthest I'd gone before her was a semi handjob so I was very sacred about what I had. From an ego perspective afterwards, I felt free. I felt like a weight was lifted. I didn't even have to tell people, they just knew. It was in my demeanor, the way I talked, how I carried myself. They knew something happened to me. My uncles asked me, “Did you lose your virginity? Did you wear a hat?" There was this coded language (laughs). But sex didn't make me look at her any differently. I didn't love her any more, I didn't love her any less. It was something to get out of the way to focus more on the relationship. The act of sex was just something we were ready to be like okay, we've done it already. After losing it, I was eager to do it more though and do it better (laughs).
Dexter
I was 16 and at my buddy's house – he was a really great friend of mine – all of us were pretty close because we grew up together. There was me, my friends, my buddy's parents, her, and her mom in the house. She asked me to come in her room. She was my childhood sweetheart so we always had a thing. We were talking, joking around. Being kids, one thing led to another, we started having sex, and it was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. Her mother's bedroom was four feet away from where we were and my buddy's parents' room was the wall that separated us in that her room.
It was really awkward because in the background all I heard was this fighting game so it was a whole bunch of males moaning the entire time (laughs). I was distracted, but still really into it because she was so beautiful to me. The next morning, she moved to California so that was awful. I thought it was overrated. When we had sex, I was like, oh okay. I never really felt this intense pressure to have sex because none of my friends were really having sex like that except for my homeboy that had started in the eighth grade. There was way too much foreplay, like way too much foreplay. We were both scared because we didn't have a condom. We had sex for like fifteen minutes and stopped because we didn't want her to get pregnant at 16 so the foreplay started back up. Like a couple of weeks after, I wanted a new experience to really experience what sex is like in a more comfortable setting so I lost my virginity and shortly after, that became my hoe phase (laughs). Sex was incredible.
Do you remember your first time? Share your story below!
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Sex & The New Year: Single Women Get Candid About Their 2025 Intimacy Goals
Fail to plan, plan to fail. It is certainly a saying that all of us have heard at one point or another; however, when it comes to sex, specifically, and definitely when it comes to women who aren’t married or in a serious relationship, I’m not so sure that plans are encouraged as much as they probably should be. I don’t just mean planning to get tested with partners or planning to use birth control — hopefully, those things are a given (right?).
What I mean is, if you are someone who likes to sit down and come up with resolutions for the new year, when it comes to your sex life, what exactly are you resolving to do? What sex-related goals do you actually have? Because if you don’t know and you kind of just let life “happen to you,” the way you end 2025 may not be the way you planned…because there never was a plan in place.
All of this is why I decided to ask 10 single women to pause, ponder, and then produce a semi-formal sex plan that they would be willing to share with y’all. Although a few of them were taken aback by my request at first, by the time they gave me their answer, each woman found it to be something that they would be doing annually moving forward — because, like everything else in life, knowing what you want out of sex, for yourself, is essential. And you certainly increase your chances of getting what you desire…when there is a plan in place.
*Middle names are always used in these types of interview pieces so that individuals can speak freely*
1. Hannah. 28.
Giphy“Girl, my sex plan is to stop having sex with my ex-fiancé. When we broke off our engagement 16 months ago, I’m not sure if either of us thought that we’d keep having sex like we were still together. But who wants to keep racking up bodies or risking getting an STD? Plus, the sex with him? I have never had it so good and so consistent. But when you asked me about putting a ‘sex plan’ together, and I really thought about how our relationship has no future — I accept that I need to let that last part of us go. Otherwise, I could date someone and still be having sex with my ex. I’m not going to tell him [her ex] about my plan until after our date on New Year’s Eve. Don’t judge me. I’m a work in progress!”
Shellie here: Check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”
2. Alexie. 34.
Giphy“I’m gonna have me some multiple orgasms, dammit! I am so tired of reading about them and not being able to relate. I think women have been conditioned to think that even getting one is something that we should be grateful for — you know, kind of like that Salt-N-Pepa brag about getting knocked out for the night after one ‘shot.’ No ma’am. I wanna know what it’s like to cum, pause, cum again, pause, and cum again. I’m going to make that my mission for the entire year. I’ll let you know how it goes.”
Shellie here: Check out “How To Have Mind-Blowing Multiple Orgasms. Tonight, Chile.”
3. Thalia. 27.
Giphy“I want to learn how to enjoy oral sex more — not giving, receiving. I’ve always liked the power that comes from giving a man head, but I haven’t met a guy who makes receiving it feel as good as my girlfriends talk about. Whenever it happens to me, I feel annoyed; it’s almost like a dog is licking on me or something. Everything just feels wet, sloppy, and aimless. I’ve got a guy friend who says that he can get me what I’m after. I’m considering him because I’ll be damned if I’m out here giving out all this good head, and I end up dying not knowing what everyone else is even talking about!”
Shellie here: Check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?” and “Okay. So, This Is Why Oral Sex Is Probably Not Satisfying You (Fully).” and (just in case) “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”
4. Icelynne. 30.
Giphy“‘Get over a man by getting under a different man’ is some bullsh-t. All you do is up your body count. The guy I’ve been seeing, the kissing is good but the sex isn’t that great, but I really like him. In the past, I would just move on, but now that you ask me to come up with a plan — I think the plan is to try and make sex better. You get older, and you realize that sometimes you ‘click’ immediately with someone, and sometimes, you need to be more patient. It’s not that the sex is bad, it’s just that I’m used to good sex being easier. Learning to talk about my needs and working with someone to meet them — that’s the plan for next year.”
Shellie here: Check out “Do You Lie About Your Body Count? Here's Why You Shouldn't.,” “6 Things About The Whole 'Body Count' Debate That Should Be Discussed” and “Is There REALLY Such A Thing As 'Bad Sex'?”
5. Gabriella. 45.
Giphy“I’m sick of reading about all of the different kinds of orgasms that you can have and barely knowing what a [clitoral] one feels like. If I can have a nipple orgasm, then I’m going to have one. And I can have one by myself? In my sleep? [Shellie here: Yes, sleep orgasms are an actual thing] And what’s this, you can come just from someone kissing you, right? What the f-ck?! I’m on mission to be able to say that I’ve had every type of orgasm there is. The interviewing process for this mission is about to be so funny, too. I already know.”
Shellie here: Check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”
6. Terrika. 33.
Giphy“I’m leaving faking orgasms in my rearview mirror. It doesn’t help anything. All it does is make men think that they’ve accomplished something that they haven’t and make me resent them for doing it. I hate to say it, but I’ve been acting like I’ve cum for so long that I can’t even remember the last time that I’ve had a real orgasm — oh, yes, I can, and it was two damn years ago! I think because I like sex, even if I don’t cum, is why I’ve put up with it for so long. I’m not getting any younger, and I need to make sure I end up with a man where I don’t have to do any pretending. 2025 is going to be my year. I am speaking it into existence!”
Shellie here: Check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP” and “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not”
7. Persephone. 38.
Giphy“I want to experience sexcations all over the world. I find it fascinating how much sex gets better for me whenever I’m in a new environment. If that can happen just with a different hotel or an Airbnb, I can only imagine what it would be like to make love in London, Cape Town, or Barcelona. It’s also sexy to get to know someone better in a different space. I met a guy [last year], and our connection is strong. We’ve been talking about stamping our passports together. We haven’t had sex yet. I think an international sexcation being our first time, would be perfect for the new year.”
Shellie here: Check out “Married Couples, It's Time For A Sexcation!” and “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”
8. Evelyn. 29.
Giphy“I want to know what ‘making love’ feels like. Is that weird to say? Coming into sex, I was what my friends say is a ‘late bloomer’ because I didn’t have sex until my junior year [of college]. It wasn’t random, but it wasn’t with a guy who I loved — well, I loved him as a friend and still do, but it wasn’t a romantic type of thing. I was curious and trusted him to try it out. I don’t regret that, but since, there have only been a few others, and the pattern has been the same: sex with friends and nothing mind-blowing. [In 2025], I want to wait until I’m in a serious relationship and then have sex. I keep hearing that love-making is the best. I have no clue. Would like to know.”
Shellie here: “Unforgettable: 10 Men Open Up About That 'One Experience' They'll Never Forget”
9. Tamiko. 41.
“I want to take a break [from sex]. During my marriage, we had so many sex problems that once we divorced, I definitely made up for lost time. It was mostly because I felt like I was being ‘sexually gaslit’ by my husband — like I couldn’t get the sex that I was after, and it was my fault. Now that I know that it wasn’t a ‘me problem,’ it was an ‘us issue,’ and I’ve gotten all of my ‘itches scratched,’ I’m ready to learn some other things that make me tick outside of the bedroom. I’m not necessarily declaring abstinence for a year, but I am done with my nothing-more-than-sex quest. Next time, it will be someone who gets me excited in more than just the bed.”
Shellie here: Check out “I've Been Abstinent For 12 Years. Here's How.” and “6 Genuine Signs You're Making An Emotional Connection With Your Sex Partner”
10. Lana. 51.
Giphy“My plan is to be more open-minded — not so much when it comes to my standards for a partner but the things that I’m willing to do sexually. I’m not the most conservative person on the planet, but when it’s always in the back of your mind that you can get pregnant, that can make you more cautious. I’m on the tail end of menopause now, so I suddenly feel more adventurous. With a steady sex partner, I’m ready to try whatever and do whatever. Sex that exceeds anything I’ve done before…that is my 2025 plan, girl. Let’s go!”
Shellie here: Check out “What Having Sex After Menopause Is Like, According To 10 Women”
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Featured image by Bob Thomas/Getty Images