As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer.
This is D'Shonda Brown's story, as told to Charmin Michelle.
"Oh, my God. What did he tell me to do?"
Those were my thoughts when I witnessed my boyfriend's seizures for the first time.
My mind was racing at 100 mph.
My palms were sweating.
There was an intense urge to not panic, although everything in my body was telling me to.
It happened out of nowhere—no warning signs, no memos, no bulletins. I had never had an epilpetic friend, family member, or coworker, so no amount of Grey's Anatomy binge-watching could have ever prepared me for this.
Do not panic, D'Shonda. Do not panic.
We were at my cousin's house the night before drinking, playing games, watching TV and just relaxing. It was our first month-aversary together. It got super late at night so rather than going back home to Jersey, we just crashed at my cousin's house in Jamaica [Queens]. I woke up with a headache because I had overdone it the previous night, and so did my boyfriend Gary. Gary had gotten out of bed to take a shower and the moment he was about to turn around towards the door, he started convulsing. I immediately screamed, and watched him collapse to the floor.
Everything was in slow motion.
Thankfully, my cousin's dog's bed was on the floor to break Gary's fall and prevent him from hitting his head. I screamed for my cousin and turned Gary onto his side. I remember him saying this on our first date:
“Turn me to my side to lower the risk of me biting my tongue or choking."
I was crying, hysterical. Trying to call his mom multiple times and struggling to remember everything he told me about seizure first-aid.
It was probably one of the scariest moments of my life.
On our first date, Gary confided in me about his epilepsy and it gaged my curiosity. I wanted to learn more and he basically gave me the rundown of what to do, if ever he were to have a seizure in front of me. I didn't know that he would actually have one nearly two months later.
We met through a chance encounter at a previous job that ironically, I had just quit, but he was just hired for. I saw this gorgeous man walk in in a blue suit and I could not keep my eyes off of him.
After officially leaving the company, I came back to the office to visit some old colleagues and invited him to join us. After much hesitation and resistance, he couldn't say no to me and I wasn't going to leave that office without him. And that's how we started dating.
I learned during this time what his triggers were:
- Not taking his meds in a timely fashion,
- Mixing up his medication,
- Missing his medication,
- And the lack of adequate sleep and high stress levels.
Gary's seizures began to flare up again, which made me believe that our relationship was what was causing him intense amounts of stress, which can also induce seizures. He takes 8 pills a day, three in the morning, two in the afternoon and three at night. I don't mean to hover, but I can't help but always bring myself to ask him, "Did you take your pills?" because I've seen what happens if he forgets.
We're a pretty chill couple—both pretty active in our professional and personal lives. He works in finance and I work in communications, so between meetings, client calls, late nights on top of family and friends, we usually have stacked weeks. When we get together, we keep it simple - a bottle of wine or a case of beer, a good movie or binge-watching a TV show that I put him onto and ends up loving or taking naps together.
The funny thing about all of this is that if you would have caught me three years ago and told me that I would be in a long-term relationship and building a future with someone, I would have laughed in your face. My relationship has taught me the power of vulnerability and letting someone else in. I was afraid for such a long time to let someone into my life because I thought I had too much baggage for someone else to love me.
When in reality, we all have baggage.
Courtesy of D'Shonda Brown
Gary never questioned me, and I never questioned my love for him. Never, not once. His condition is genetic and neurological—it's something he can't control. Even if he could, who am I to judge someone for having seizures. What kind of person would I be if I did that?
And besides, the discomfort comes in places where you wouldn't expect. For example, oftentimes when you're in a relationship with someone that has a condition, you ultimately suffer from a mental illness yourself, and you tend to lose who you are with being so wrapped up in that other person's well-being. You forget to check on yourself. Dating someone with epilepsy revealed to me that I tend to worry about everyone else, but not take the time to assess my own feelings, or ask myself how I'm doing. Sometimes, I need to just take a day or two to just unwind, get my life together, recharge and then get back to it. That can mean a nap, or it can mean deactivating my social media for a week. Whatever I feel is appropriate.
Soon into our relationship, I took on a whole beast of learning the importance of self-care. My biggest lessons lived here.
No job, no partner, no amount of money and no relationships with friends or family are ever worth your sanity. My boyfriend is the physical manifestation of that for me and has often been a wake up call to the way that I treat myself. When you get stressed out, you probably get frustrated, cry a bit, go to sleep and veg out for a bit. However, when he gets stressed out, there's a chance that he may have a seizure.
So there's levels.
As for me, I'm just a Spelman grad working as a freelance writer, trying to uphold the task of being the best woman I can be in this journey of life.
And with all the obstacles I've had thrown my way, adding my boyfriend in the mix is nothing I can't handle.
I was built to love him through it all.
To keep up with D'Shonda's journey, follow her on Instagram @signedshonda.
If you have a story you'd like to share but aren't sure about how to put it into words, contact us at submissions@xonecole.com with the subject "As Told To" for your story to be featured.
Featured image courtesy of D'Shonda Brown
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My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
GiphyIf you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
GiphyThere is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
GiphySomething that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
GiphyEven if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
GiphyI saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
____
Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
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