

Women, specifically women of color, are making their dreams come true and impacting their communities and the culture and we're killin' it. The number of businesses owned by Black women in the United States in 2018? 2.4 million! We've been building an impressive army of entrepreneurship, generational wealth, and influence while seemingly no one was paying attention. It can be asserted that Black women have been moving in silence, building lives and generations long before the idea snuck into song lyrics and subsequently cemented itself in popular culture as a life and business principle.
So what is it that sistas are doing and how are we doing it so well?
Sometimes we do more looking up to the smaller percentage of people who've become household names than we spend connecting with and learning from the wealth and experiences of those whose stars are steadily rising. So, I tapped 8 incredible Black women – I mean truly amazing, everyday women who walk, talk, live, and create in impactful ways. Women who see through the veneer of accolades straight to impact in its truest sense and form. Keep reading to find out why there is success in learning to move in silence.
Deanna M. Griffin, Co-Founder of Crownhunt
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
Moving in silence looks like doing the work instead of just talking about it. We live in an age where it's easy to position or brand yourself a certain way without having the sweat and receipts behind it. I like to focus on the results – brainstorming launches, developing timelines and budgets, identifying partners and collaborators, writing/editing/scheduling/promoting... whatever has to be done to get my ideas off the ground before I start bragging about the work. The celebration can come later.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
Be transparent. If you are figuring it out, while making mistakes, share that. It's easy to think that "the hustle" means looking like you're killing it all the time. People are quickly turned off by that and it's devastating to come off as a fraud when you were just trying to "fake it 'til you make it". This is why we created the Crownhunt newsletter, which surprisingly doesn't focus on hair but on our journey to tell our inner Impostor Syndrome to STFU. We're hoping that our decision to be transparent will pay off.
Follow her on Instagram: @crownhunt
Princess “Coach P” Owens, Wellness Expert/Holistic Health Coach
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
Moving in silence for me is actively practicing wisdom and patience while I work the plan. You move with care and understand that it's not a secretive thing but a sacred experience. You don't just guard your visions/goals but it's an out guarding the process. Trust no one with your dreams but self and the creator. It's hard not to share the good parts. "Everyone else is flourishing and being magical, I want in".... but never share the story until they can feel/see the glory. You share after manifestation has taken place, on your own time in your own way.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
Social media is a space where your influence, value, and even likability is often attached to "wins". We often use these platforms to prove that we belong by being pretentious in our sharing. You can't fake energy. You may fake a lifestyle for a bit (even that will get exposed) but you can never fake magic. Trust that you will always belong – even as you are. Do the work in authenticity. Take care of YOU, so that you'll never lose YOU in the process. Be you.
Follow her on Twitter and Instagram: @coachpsays"Never share the story until they can feel/see the glory. You share after manifestation has taken place, on your own time in your own way."
Yetti Ajayi-Obe, Owner of YettiSays & Founder of Certified 10
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
I actually have a love/hate relationship with this idea of "move in silence." I don't necessarily believe one should be shouting their every move from the rooftops, but I don't subscribe to the thoughts of every power move should be done in silence – unless you're Beyoncé, of course. I think us WOC, especially those of us that are wellness advocates, need to be more open and honest about the process of producing and creating, because truthfully, it takes a lot [out] of a person. I tend to "move in silence" naturally, but that's only because outside pressures and opinions do something ridiculous to my anxiety. I have an internal team I work with because they provide me the balance I need. But I think talking about the process can aid in making sure there are more of us Black and brown women sitting at the table.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
"Only you can do what you do. Only you can reach certain people. Only you can speak to your story. And by not doing what you're meant to do on this Earth, you're robbing this world of a service only you can provide." – I'm not sure if this is something my therapist coined, or if it's an official quote, but this is what I refer back to when pressure, anxiety, and whatever else interferes with my work. It's not about the numbers, the money, or the cool opportunities. It's about the reach, whether it be two people or two thousand. It has nothing to do with what the next person is doing. It's about your why, and what you're doing to fulfill it. Honest and authentic work will always trump whatever is being done for the looks of it.
Follow her on Twitter: @phenomenalyetti, Instagram: @yettisays
Jasmine Katrina Smith, Founder of Pure Communications & Co, Faith & Lifestyle blogger
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
"Moving in silence" to me means staying focused on my work and the quality of it. It looks like supporting a fellow influencer and/or entrepreneur while keeping my goals aligned to what God has instructed me to do. It's not always easy because comparison can come to defeat my progress, but I find solace in knowing I'm focused on exactly what God's last instructions were until we're ready to move forward to the next thing.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
If I could offer one tip, it would be to remember that we don't work to please man, we work to glorify God, and by doing so, that means we're called to produce fruit (ie: we should have results). Looking the part can only carry you for so long, character is developed in the discipline and your calling is fully manifested by your character.
Follow her on Twitter & Instagram: @jkatrinasmith
"Looking the part can only carry you for so long, character is developed in the discipline and your calling is fully manifested by your character."
Shayla Racquel, Writer, Director, Filmmaker
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
For me, "moving in silence" doesn't necessarily mean to be secretive about my trajectory through the film industry. I think it means to have discretion and discernment about when, where, and how I announce my moves, and to allow my work and my work ethic to speak for itself. At times, it is difficult to move in silence. We feel like we have to make those grand announcements not for self-gratification, but to receive validation from others. I remember watching a Film Independent keynote address by Ava DuVernay, in which she talked about "desperation vs. doing." She said that we should never "ooze desperation," instead, we should make a way out of no way, and just do. "The only thing that moves you forward is your work," were her words, and as an independent filmmaker who is in the beginning stages of my career, those words were cemented in my spirit, and since hearing that, that is how I've decided to move.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
Think of finding your work rhythm as building your foundation. You need a strong foundation to have something solid to stand upon – something you can always go back to, even if you want to start over with what you're building. When people concern themselves more so with how people "perceive" their work/work ethic rather than concerning themselves with their actual work, something is going to fall through the cracks. It gets harder and harder to keep up the facade when you actually aren't doing anything, and the truth will always be revealed in the end. Focus on your work, build your foundation, and don't concern yourself with what everyone else is doing – focus on you.
Follow her on Twitter & Instagram: @ShaylaRacquel
Shefon Nachelle, Artist, Founder of Etcetera Creative
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
I instinctively interpret it as "do more, say less". I realized that a part of my desire to make others aware of what was happening in my life, was about validation. That I, or my work, did not have meaning without the approval of others. That dangerous slope became a thief of my freedom, my creativity, and personal sense of value. "Moving in silence" is not just a sentiment that reflects when we should practice discretion, but is also a display of internal confirmation. It re-routes you from a place of needing the recognition of others to one of focus on execution and finishing.
Of course it is not easy, but when I think about my personal icons, they are in deep trust of themselves and their work. So, I often consider what tasks I am taking up for myself and if they are driven by my desire for approval. Those that are not, allow for a personal peace that facilitates moving in silence.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
I believe there are moments we grossly underestimate the time, work, and study required prior to regarding ourselves as an authority in any given field of work or subject matter. Sometimes even those labels, of entrepreneur and influencer, transport us to a place that often relies on deceptive exteriors and are disingenuous. The truth about learning craft is that we fail constantly, it takes a long time, and it is hardly ever as beautiful as our pre-planned photo shoots at our favorite coffee shops.
Even though I have spent almost ten years in design and most of my life as an artist, there is so much that I have yet to learn, to experience. My good internet friend, Ann Daramola, offers an urgent affirmation to "Face Your Work." That is the tip I would have wanted someone to give me. Just do the work. The hard work. The invisible work. The uninspiring work. The work is enough. In the words of astrologer, Chani Nicholas, "The only way to manifest epic projects is to bow deeply to your daily grind."
Follow her on all social media platforms: @shefonnachelle
"'Moving in silence' is not just a sentiment that reflects when we should practice discretion, but is also a display of internal confirmation. It re-routes you from a place of needing the recognition of others to one of focus on execution and finishing."
Amber Gabrielle, Founder of Oh She Went Global, CEO of The Lit Lady
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
For me, it means that I spend more time putting my head down and doing the work instead of blabbing about it every step of the way. This doesn't mean that I never say anything about my current projects, but boundaries must exist. This concept has been drilled into my head since childhood, and I shall pass it on to my future children. For the most part, it's easy for me to do more than I talk, because I see people on social media who DON'T practice this and frankly, it's nauseating. I don't want to be the nauseating girl. Haha! I've noticed that this concept of "moving in silence" has gotten pushback in recent months, and people will assume that you're elusive, or a failure, if you don't post what you have going on. Well, others may choose to blab their plans from here to Addis Ababa, but I'll continue to keep quiet until I have results worth speaking about. Then, and only then, will I talk about what I've been doing, in hopes of providing wisdom and value to those coming after me.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
I feel that sometimes, the ambitious community consumes unbelievable amounts of information, but does very little when it comes to applying that information to everyday life. It's one thing to post pretty, inspirational memes on Instagram and tweet quotes from the book You Are a Badass; it's quite another to take all the advice you're constantly being hit with, and intentionally make it useful to you. So, I challenge everyone reading this to think of the last piece of information you consumed that you found valuable…I mean valuable to the point where you highlighted it, posted it with a YAAAAAS caption, sent it to your momma and her prayer group, all that. Take that piece of information, advice, whatever it is, and commit to implementing it in your life for the rest of the year. I would absolutely LOVE to hear what your results are!
Mia Jones-Walker, Digital Media Specialist & Mental Health Advocate
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
Moving in silence is a process of waiting patiently for the manifestation to come forth, pursuing purpose with due diligence. It consists of putting in the work and fulfilling my tasks at hand without seeking external validation from my peers or calling attention to me doing the work. It's not easy to move in silence when you consider our natural need for acceptance – we want to be recognized (often prematurely) for each increment in the process but that congrats cannot supplant taming the steps we still must walk out. Premature applause can cause us to become short sighted on the full journey ahead. Moving in silence requires a resilient attitude, enduring without despairing, or envying whoever surpasses you in achieving their goals.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
Know that discipline is the key to moving forward. Set your pace realistically according to your interest (how often you want to engage your audience balanced with the demands of your life) and give yourself grace to take a breather when you need to!
Featured image by Jasmine Katrina.
Did you know that xoNecole has a podcast? Subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to join us for weekly convos over cocktails (without the early morning hangover.)
Originally published January 14, 2019
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Ashley is a storybuilder and storyteller who writes and produces to inform, connect, encourage and evoke. Vibe with her on Twitter/Instagram: @ashleylatruly.
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
10 Women Tell Me Why They Made The Decision To Be Estranged From Their Parent(s)
Although there are many quotes that I have used in these articles throughout the years, I’d be almost shocked if the one that hasn’t been included the most is “Adulthood is surviving childhood.”
I thought about that one, again, recently, when I checked out a BuzzFeed article entitled, “People Are Just Now Realizing They Had An 'Eggshell Parent' And The Ways It's Secretly Impacting Their Adult Lives.” If you’ve never heard of “eggshelling” before, it’s a term that is used for if you felt like you had to walk on eggshells as a kid because your parents' emotions were super erratic and hella unpredictable. SMDH.
Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
Article continues after the video.
*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
____
As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
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