I've gotta hand it to them. While the Black streaming channel Fox Soul is relatively new, I've made the time to check out some of its content (we've got to support our own, y'all) and I dig where they are going with it. One show, in particular, that a lot of the xoTribe may enjoy is Out Loud with Claudia Jordan. She explores topics like how sex is for women over 40, what single mothers would do differently if they could, and why Black women creatives are so oftentimes overlooked (when pretty much every industry uses us as their muse. SMH).
Another show that I sometimes catch on there is called On The 7 with Dr. Sean. One episode I watched, in its entirety, featured actor Isaiah Washington. Because I continue to be baffled by him going over to the Republican party, and because I agree with the wisdom of Dr. Sean when he said at the beginning of the episode that, "We live in a culture where people dim you because of your conclusions, but they don't understand, sufficiently, your reasons," I decided to hear Brother Washington out. I still don't get it. I really don't. But he did say something that helps to set the stage for where I'm going with this piece. When Dr. Sean asked him if he would rather be respected or liked, Isaiah took a long pause and said, "Both." That threw me. There is always such a, shall I say, "strong energy" about him that led me to believe that being liked wasn't actually a relevant matter to him. But as I clicked off of that episode and presented that very same question to myself, I've gotta say, being respected won out by a landslide. I'll explain why.
What Does It Mean When Someone Likes You?
Image by Giphy
Let me just say, off the rip, that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be liked. Ideally, when interacting with individuals, Isaiah is correct in the sense that it would be awesome if they liked and respected you. But that wasn't what was asked. The question that was posed to him was, if he had to choose between like and respect, which would it be? And yeah, that isn't what I think needs to be our top priority. Let me tell it, part of the reason there is so much drama, both online and off, is because there is way too much time, effort and energy either being put into being liked or getting all in a tizzy if someone isn't liked that much. Why do we care? Why do we really care?
It's just a theory, but I'm gonna put it out into cyberspace. Feel free to share your thoughts about it. There are plenty of articles that point to the fact the social media is "feeding the monster" when it comes to making individuals more narcissistic. You can check out ones like "Excessive posting of photos on social media is associated with increase in narcissism", "Narcissism and Social Media: Should We Be Afraid?" and "Social Media Has Created a Generation of Self-Obsessed Narcissists" and see that it's a topic that shouldn't be ignored. And since narcissism is a word that is used a lot these days, let's quickly review what some of the traits are, according to an article featured on PsychCentral's website:
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
- Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
- Requires excessive admiration.
- Has a very strong sense of entitlement.
- Is exploitative of others.
- Lacks empathy.
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
- Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Hmph. Now tell me that, whenever you log on to any of your socials, after five minutes, you don't see some, most, or even all of these things displayed. People are constantly posting their thoughts, views and insights (almost to the point where I'm wondering what else they do during the day) and when someone likes what they say, it's all good. Oh, but let someone provide a different perspective or even totally disagree and now they need to be canceled or silenced. Know what that is indicative of? Pure narcissism. If you can only interact with people who agree with you or praise you or you can't exchange thoughts without poppin' off and clappin' back, not only are you putting yourself on a pedestal, you are also significantly stunting your growth as an individual. It's like what one of my favorite quotes says—"If you only see things through a keyhole, everything will be keyhole-shaped to you." Not only that, but your narcissistic tendencies will, whether you realize it or not, constantly drive you to want to be liked; quite possibly, above anything else.
And here's the interesting thing about the word "like"—when you like something (or someone), it means "take pleasure in; find agreeable or congenial" them. Pleasure is enjoyment. Finding something agreeable means you find it to be conformable. Congenial means "suited or adapted in spirit, feeling, temper, etc.; compatible." Know two things that all of these definitions have in common? One is that wanting someone to like you has little to do with anything but you. You want them to take pleasure in you, to conform to you, and to be suited to you. Two, all of this points to feelings and feelings are both fleeting and fickle.
Don't believe me? Think about some of the celebrities that you "liked" two years ago that you don't anymore. Or, a little closer to home, think about some of the friends that you once liked that you know longer do. To spend a lot of time, effort, and energy wanting people to like you is to spend a lot of time, effort, and energy on investing in folks' ever-changing emotions and, at the end of the day, your ego as well. That can have distracted, uncomfortable and to a large degree, unstable and unproductive as well.
My most genuine, comfortable and honestly, easy relationships have been with people who I don't have to get to try to like me. At the same time, I don't have to try and like them. Know what else? There are some things that we find agreeable and there are some areas where we are compatible, but there are also some places where we couldn't be more different. It's those that actually make the relationship so valuable because we challenge each other, we influence each other to evolve, and that happens because we respect each other more than we like each other. What I mean by that is, we "esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability" (which is one definition of respect) far more than we look for ways where we are alike or we find pleasure in each other. And so yes, a lot of blood, sweat, tears, and hard lessons have brought me to the conclusion that I would much rather have someone see my sense of worth than simply enjoy having me around. The first is lasting; the second is totally unpredictable. (Somebody in a dysfunctional relationship needed to hear that. Please never forget that point.) Hands down, I would rather be respected than liked—any day of the week.
Why You Should Prefer to Have Them Respect You Instead
If you're still not totally convinced that being respected is better than being liked, here's a story that just might sway you. I like to support independent films (especially Black ones) whenever I can. One that I recently re-watched is Plug Love. This time, it held a bit of a different meaning because one of the main characters is a huge Kobe Bryant fan. (Mercy, y'all. I'm pretty sure it will be quite some time before we hear his name and there isn't an "ouch" that reverberates somewhere in our spirit.) Anyway, the more the character bragged on Kobe, the more I thought back to what may have very well been his last podcast interview.
On January 8, 2020, ALL THE SMOKE podcast (with Matt Barnes and Stephen Jackson) featured an interview with Kobe Bryant. In the roughly 40-minute episode, a lot of ground was covered. One thing that stood out to me was Kobe's response to when he found out that some people don't like him. (He was a complex guy; some didn't). While some might find what he said to be flippant, I found it to be how folks act when they care more about being respected than being liked. He basically said, "OK…and who are you?" In other words, what do you bring to my personal world that should make me so concerned about whether you enjoy me or agree with me—or not? Being liked wasn't a big deal to him. Full stop.
On the flip side, though, unless someone is a flat-out hater—and yes, I do know that those kinds of folks exist…unfortunately—you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who didn't respect him, if not as a person, as an athlete. In his 41 short years on this planet, reading his Wikipedia page alone will exhaust you—"five NBA championships, was an 18-time All-Star, 15-time member of the All-NBA Team, 12-time member of the All-Defensive Team, was named the 2008 NBA Most Valuable Player (MVP), and was a two-time NBA Finals MVP winner". How can you not esteem this man's sense of value, commitment to excellence and his totally incomparable and, in some ways, supernatural abilities? All of what Kobe made happen was not the result of him sitting around and trying to figure out ways to be liked all of the time; they came from focusing on how to be his best person by his own standards. It came from doing what needed to be done in order for him to respect himself; it's that kind of mindset and drive that tends to cause others to respect you.
It's basically like what the Margaret Thatcher quote up top speaks of. Ask anyone who actually knew Kobe personally, and they'll tell you that his dedication to his craft was almost to the point of being obsessive. You didn't have to like or "get" why he was so into his gift; he did. And whatever it took to excel, he was going to make that happen. Compromise wasn't an option. We can clearly see the fruits of his labor. Yes, they deserve our utmost respect.
No compromise. Every day, I see examples of people who either prefer to be liked over being respected or they don't really know the differences between the two. I say that because in order for folks to "like them", they will compromise—if not outright sacrifice—their values, their ideals, their dreams…whatever it takes to keep folks agreeing with them or finding pleasure and satisfaction in them. And again, like Margaret Thatcher said, if you are going to put yourself in that position, there's a huge chance that you won't accomplish much. At least not anything that you can truly be proud of and at peace with.
So yeah, I'll take being respected over being liked any day. I think Kobe would agree with me, which puts me in some pretty good company. Bottom line, being liked is cool but if you've got to choose, go with respect instead. It's healthier. It's more beneficial. It lasts longer. Literally.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
How To Respect Someone's Path When It's Nothing Like Your Own
How To Stop Being A People-Pleaser & Start Doing You
Featured image by Giphy
- Women Need Love and Men Need Respect? | Psychology Today ›
- What is more important: to be liked or respected? - Quora ›
- Entrepreneurs Should be Respected, Not Loved - Both Sides of the ... ›
- Ask Jo: Is it better to be liked or respected? - Be Leaderly ›
- Is it Better to Be Liked or Respected at Work? | HuffPost ›
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- 42 Ways to Make People Like and Respect You - The Muse ›
- Why It's Better To Be Liked Than To Be Respected | Fortune ›
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
____
I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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