Whenever I'm asked what I think is one of the leading causes of the breakdowns in relationships, out of all of the things that I could mention, pride always tops the list. Prideful people are never wrong and they want everything to be all about them. They would rather have their front teeth pulled than to take ownership for their actions, and they like to manipulate, deflect, and cast blame. Prideful people always want to teach but, at the same time, can't be taught anything. They are self-consumed, and, ironically, tend to live in a state of denial about their pridefulness.
Yeah. This is definitely going to be one of those kind of articles that just might hit a nerve a couple of times. I know that once I decided to do some self-introspection so that I could break a few relationship-related patterns myself, a couple of these were a hard pill to swallow.
This won't be easy, but I promise that if you're willing to take a deep breath, push your pride aside and do a bit of your own self-reflection, this piece will either bring clarity or confirmation—just the thing that you need in order to avoid some of the pitfalls that, quite possibly, have been keeping you from having the kind of relationship that we both know you deserve.
RELATIONSHIP MISTAKE #1: Settling for a Situationship When You Desire a Relationship
While I don't think that titles are always necessary in a relationship, what I am a huge fan of is clarity. If there's one thing that situationships tend to lack a lot of, it's that. I mean, just think about it—it's not even a real word! Still, I do know what it's like to desire to be in something with someone so badly that if I had to be confused or dissatisfied in some way, just to keep the what-the-hell-is-this dynamic working, so be it. And you know what? It was always a BIG mistake to do so.
One of the biggest problems with settling for a situationship is it causes you to overlook the red flags of the person you are in that "grey area" with. What I mean by that is, people who know exactly what they want are usually not vague and cryptic. You know who are, though? Commitment-phobes. F-ck boys. All around players.
Emotionally mature individuals have no problem discussing what they are doing or where something is heading. So, if the person you're currently seeing acts like you bringing these types of questions up is a form of you being "high-maintenance" or "dramatic"—stay if you want to, but good luck trying to turn that into something lasting, reliable or solid. Good luck trying to make a situationship an actual relationship.
RELATIONSHIP MISTAKE #2: Thinking Your Girl Friends Know More than Your Guy Friends—About Guys
In order to get a real feel for this point, how ridiculous do you think it would be if, whenever a guy wanted to understand the true innerworkings of the women in his life, he only asked other men. Yes, when it comes to understanding how human nature works, the opposite sex can be pretty insightful. At the same time, you are missing out on some real gems if all you do is ask guys about girls or girls about guys. I can't tell you how many times I have posed a scenario to a woman, then a man and gotten two totally different perspectives after I did. I must admit that more times than not, the women romanticized the issue while the guy offered up some "Ouch. For real?" food for thought. Not only that, but also more times than not, the guy was right.
So yeah, if you want to know what makes men tick, it is truly worth your time to actually ask your boys more than your girls. Men tend to be a lot more "straight no chaser" which can help you to get your heads out of the clouds, while keeping your feet on the ground, you heart from getting broken and your time from being (further) wasted.
RELATIONSHIP MISTAKE #3: Feeling Like the More You Do, the More He’ll Love You
If there's one word I think is the cause of some of the biggest disappointments in relationships, it's "convince". It means "to persuade", and if there's one thing I see far too many women do, it's that. They think that if they can somehow persuade (appeal or urge) a man to see all of the good that they can bring into his life, somehow he will love them the way that they want to be loved (deep sigh). The reality is, a person choosing to love us doesn't have a ton to do with how much we do; it's more about who we are, what they want and if they choose to love us—or not.
Back when I penned the partial personal narrative "Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife", a part of the reason why I constantly found myself in that cycle was because I convinced my own damn self that loving a man like a wife would will make him desire me like a husband should. But you know what? My healthiest relationships to-date have been with men where I didn't have to do much more than simply be myself. I didn't have to spend a lot of time figuring out how I could get them to love me; they loved me as is.
Does it sometimes take time and compromise for love to grow? Yep. More times than not, in fact. But if you really believe that God is love (I John 4:8 and 16) and that He's the source of healthy love—think about what you've got to do in order to be loved by Him. Think about how much convincing and persuading are required and you'll see my overall point. Someone who is meant to love you will not need to you to break your neck or back in order to get them to do it. They will because they do. And that's the kind of love that you truly deserve. Never ever forget that.
RELATIONSHIP MISTAKE #4: Being a Man’s “Interpreter”
In the article "8 Things Men Need—That Many Of Us Aren't Giving Them", one of the things that is mentioned is respect. Well, you know what, y'all? One of the ways to show a man that you truly do respect him is to listen to what he says, take it at face value, don't read into what isn't there, and don't speak for him when he doesn't ask for you to. Unfortunately, I think a lot of women are so used to appointing themselves to being the spokesperson for what they think a man really thinks and feels that they don't realize that either 1) they couldn't be further from the mark and/or 2) it is one of the most irritating and yes, disrespectful things to do.
Sometimes, we've got to admit that, when it comes to gender roles, there can be double standards on both ends. If a man was to speak for or over a woman, somehow, he's controlling or chauvinistic. Oh, but let a woman do it and all of a sudden, she's intuitive. Be careful with that. Many men don't open up and connect more with their partner, not because he doesn't have more to say. It's because, in his mind, he's thinking, "Since you think you know everything, what's the point?" And honestly, I can't say that I blame him.
RELATIONSHIP MISTAKE #5: Acting Like Nagging a Man Is Effective
There's a scripture in the Bible that says, "It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman." (Proverbs 21:9 AMPC) Keeping that in mind, I don't know why so many women seem to think that nagging is a smart relationship tactic or an effective form of communication. At the end of the day, all that nagging really is, is a verbal form of Chinese water torture. It also tends to be something that controlling people typically to do. And here's the thing—have you ever looked up the definitions of "nag" before? One is "to annoy by persistent faultfinding, complaints, or demands" while another is "to keep in a state of troubled awareness or anxiety, as a recurrent pain or problem". Why would any man want to remain in a relationship when he is constantly being annoyed or feeling anxiety around his partner?
If your immediate quip is, "Yeah well, he wouldn't be nagged if he'd just do what I wanted him to do," and to that you add a side of, "when I want him to do it"—I'll just say three things to that. One, that sounds a lot more like a mother than a lover speaking (and who wants to sleep with their mother?!). Two, if things are that bad, consider therapy over nagging. And three, even the Bible gets why a man would rather be any and everywhere but around a nagger. Yeah, you might think that nagging makes things go your way, but in order for a tactic to be truly effective, it needs to cause something to be functional. Annoying the hell out of someone sounds more dysfunctional if you ask me. But again, that's just me. Maybe ask your man if you need a co-sign.
RELATIONSHIP MISTAKE #6: Comparing Your Relationship to Others’—in the Media or the Real World
One of the worst things about social media is it can trick people into thinking or believing that all they see is all there is when that couldn't be further from the truth. I don't care if it's Bey and Jay, your pastor and his first lady or two of your closest friends—there is stuff that you know and there is some stuff that you don't know. And some of the stuff you're not aware of is the very reason why you shouldn't assume that someone else's grass is greener.
It's one thing to have people in your life who inspire you in certain ways. But if that has gotten to the point and place where you are constantly comparing your relationship, you are headed for, at the very least, some disappointment and disillusionment. Every relationship is unique. Every relationship also has its good and not-so-good parts to it. Basing what you have on what someone else has got is not only unfair but a surefire way to do your own relationship more harm than good.
RELATIONSHIP MISTAKE #7: Thinking That Good Looks and Good Sex Will (or Even Should) Keep Him
For goodness sake. Do you know how many beautiful women get cheated on and/or dumped on a daily basis? Someone who immediately comes to mind is Joe Budden's ex Cyn Santana. Boy, back when she said that Black men treat Latina women better, I shook my head and said to myself, "She is in for a real humbling moment." This seemed to be the year for that moment (which she addressed on The Real. You can see part one here and part two here). Not only was she pretty vocal about the fact that she desired sex more than Joe did, but she also claims that she was cheated on by him, too.
This point right here is a book all on its own. For now, I'll just say that this is why I wish more women would embrace their natural beauty, not rush into sex, and would make friendship the greatest focal point of their romantic unions. Going through all of the time, effort and finances to make yourself look a certain way or banking on your sex skills, believing that it will keep a man's attention is futile. A true friendship and emotional connection are a far more reliable "relationship glue" than anything else. There are countless examples to prove this very point. Just go to your favorite entertainment site or gossip blog and you'll see what I mean.
RELATIONSHIP MISTAKE #8: Believing That It’s Always “Worth the Wait”
Author Charles Darwin once said, "A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life." He didn't say 10 years---he said one hour. Back when I wrote the article, "Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?" one of the main points that I wanted to drive home is basically a point from a scene in one of my favorite movies Definitely, Maybe. In it, Will (Ryan Reynolds) practices his wedding proposal and says, "I wanna marry you because you're the first person I wanna look at when I wake up in the morning and the only one I wanna kiss goodnight. Because, the first time I saw these hands, I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them. But mainly, when you love someone as much as I love you, getting married is the only thing left to do. So, will you marry me?" You know how that translates to me? It's like a much better version of Jagged Edge's "We ain't gettin' no younger, so we might as well do this." (LOL) It's a reminder that a sign of true love is valuing time.
Does that mean two people only love each other if they want to get married as soon as possible? Absolutely not. What it does mean, however, is when two people love each other, they make sure they are on the same page; that they don't procrastinate when it comes to moving in the same direction together. It also means that if one discovers that they desire something different, they will love the other enough to let them go—so that the object of their affection can connect with someone who will make far better use of their time.
A lot of marriage experts say that it shouldn't take more than a couple of years to know if two people want to spend forever together or not. If you want one thing, your partner is clearly showing they want something else, and you're keeping your life on hold in the meantime? Don't lie to yourself by thinking that standing around will prove to be worth the wait. Very rarely is that the case. And again, love values time. Love yourself enough to always remember—and operate from a place of knowing—that.
RELATIONSHIP MISTAKE #9: Expecting a Man to Think or Act Like a Woman Does
Whenever people ask me if I am a feminist, my response is, "I am a complementarian." The long-short of that is those are people who believe that men and women are equal but have different purposes; even within their own relationship. Yep—I'm that girl. And since I choose to see life from that perspective, I think that one of the most challenging things in my counseling sessions is listening to women who are irritated because their partner doesn't think, speak or act like them. I'm not talking about character or values; I'm saying that a lot of ladies out here seem to believe that men should be just like them, when men absolutely are not.
If I were to take this back to the Bible just one more time, when God spoke of making a helper for Adam (Genesis 2:18), He spoke of someone who would complement him, not someone who would be his exact twin. When I think of a complementary relationship, one of the things that I reflect on is balance. The things that make a woman a woman brings balance to a man just like things that make a man a man brings balance to a woman.
Unfortunately, a lot of us are out here looking for a woman who has male genitalia. What I mean by that is, we think that unless a man thinks and acts like we do (or would in a particular situation), something is wrong with him. More times than not, nothing is wrong; a man is just different. Because God designed him to be that way.
It takes a real level of maturity and insight to know the difference between what a "wrong guy" vs. "simply a man" is. But if you're able to master this point (having healthy relationships with other men can get you there), you will be well on your way to avoiding what causes oh so much (unnecessary) drama in a lot of male/female dynamics.
RELATIONSHIP MISTAKE #10: Resenting a Man for Not Being What You Aren’t Either
Whenever a woman says to me, "I need a man who has his s—t together," I tend to respond with, "What does that mean? Give me a list." When she responds, I say, "Are you those things?" and it tickles me when she gets triggered. Wanting a man with good credit is a good idea, but how's your credit? Wanting a man who is purpose-driven is dope, but are you focused on what your own dreams and goals are? I'm always tripped out when a woman wants a man who is fit and takes pride in his appearance, but then thinks a man is a misogynistic jerk if he desires the same thing from the women he dates.
As I'm striving to learn how to be a better partner for my future husband, I am learning patience and compassion as I work to become what I want "him" to be once he arrives. It's easy to say a man needs to have a certain amount of money in his bank account until you double-check to see if you've currently got that amount yourself. It's a bit hypocritical to demand what you don't require of your own self. And it's hard to flourish in a relationship (even a relationship with yourself) when you're saying one thing and doing something else.
BONUS: Not Healing Before Going Into Another Relationship
My 8-year-old goddaughter already knows that Auntie Shellie is not the least bit interested in her telling me that she has a boyfriend. A crush? Sure. But the way folks approach boyfriend/girlfriend dynamics out here is why I think a lot of people are super jaded by the time they actually are old enough to be in a serious relationship. If you keep giving your all to multiple individuals, that puts you at risk for getting hurt a lot. And, if you don't take the time to heal from your pain, you can take that into the relationship that actually has the potential to be a healthy and thriving one.
That's why I roll my eyes, just about as far back as they will go, whenever I hear someone say that the best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone else. No. The best way to get over someone is to get closure (if you can), grieve the relationship, "test yourself" to see if you are truly over your ex (or exes), forgive and release, spend some time relishing in your singlenessand then explore getting involved with someone else.
A college football coach by the name of Paul Bear Bryant once said, "When you make a mistake, there are only three things that you should ever do about it: admit it, learn from and don't repeat it."
If you're tired of being in failed relationships, make the time to see where you are making mistakes. So that, at the very least, you can start having some new experiences and learning some new lessons. Rather than repeating the same slip-ups—or poor choices—over and over…and over again.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
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RELATED
At the beginning of the year, we are being shown how significant 2025 will be for love. From March 1, 2025, until April 12, 2025, Venus, the planet of love and relationships, will be retrograde. Venus goes retrograde approximately every 18 months and hasn’t been retrograde since the Summer of 2023. With love taking a step back at the beginning of the year, we move through a time of understanding the emotional world better and letting go of trying to control outcomes here.
What Does 2025 Have in Store for Love?
It’s time to refocus your relationship priorities overall, and with this retrograde happening in both Aries and Pisces, Aries being the first sign of the zodiac and Pisces being the last; there is a chapter we are closing and a new one we are walking into.
Another significant factor that is influencing relationships this year, is Jupiter’s entry into Cancer. Jupiter brings blessings, abundance, luck, and expansion, and in water sign Cancer, brings these gifts to your emotions. Cancer rules emotional safety, foundations, close loved ones, family, support, and emotional well-being, and with Jupiter in this sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, we experience blessings in stability within love. This is a good year for building stronger foundations in love, aligning with those who are loyal and supportive, knowing what you need emotionally, and being a lot clearer on it.
Letting Go of the Past: The Astrological Theme of 2025
Overall, the guideline for the year when it comes to love is to focus on the bigger picture and let things work themselves out without forcing them to. Magic will come in for you this year when you can assess your needs and wants, let go of illusions or smoke and mirrors, and focus on the things you want for yourself rather than what you don’t. Your focus and beliefs on love are the priority right now, and things will be coming full circle for the better.
Read below to see your personal 2025 love forecast. Read for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
ARIES
2025 is one of the more significant years for you, Aries. A lot of the major transits are happening in your sign, which includes Venus retrograde in Aries at the beginning of the year, Neptune in Aries from March 2025 until 2039, and Saturn in Aries from May 2025 until 2028. Not to mention, Chiron, the wounded healer is currently in your sign until 2027.
What this means for you when it comes to love, is that you have learned a lot about where you want to be here, and it’s the year to implement more of these tools and knowledge of the heart.
This year for love is about honoring your integrity and what you need personally to thrive in life and creating that space to let it in. You need someone who will be there for you through whatever you are experiencing in life and not someone who adds to these challenges. This year is a time of rising above, and choosing better for yourself.
TAURUS
2025 for you when it comes to love, is all about perspective and taking better care of your heart, Taurus. Uranus, the planet of change, rebellion, progress, and upheaval, has been in your sign since 2019, and this year you get a break from all of the surprises. From Jul. 7, 2025, until Nov. 7, 2025, Uranus leaves your sign and enters Gemini, giving your mind and your heart some time to breathe.
This year you are being given the opportunity to see things for what they are, rather than what you fear them to be. You are able to see your relationship dynamics clearer, allowing you to feel more confident in what you are building and creating for yourself in this area of your life. What you are working on this year is letting go of overthinking, and allowing things to play out the way they are meant to in love.
GEMINI
This year you are feeling in balance when it comes to love, Gemini. Relationships are important to you in life overall, as you are a relationship-oriented sign, but it can be difficult at times to keep the balance and perspective here. This year, with lucky Jupiter in your sign until June, you have the opportunity to be blessed with some fortunate circumstances personally and within romance.
You are feeling yourself this year, and this is attracting you success and new opportunities within love.
Uranus will also be in your sign this year from Jul. 7 until Nov. 7, and some surprises are in store for you. Pay attention to what happens in your love life during this period, as similar themes will be coming back around for you when Uranus officially enters its Gemini transit from 2026 - 2032. Overall, this year is about balancing what’s coming and going in love, and finding your peace within your inner confidence for it all.
CANCER
2025 for you, Cancer, is about stability in love. You are growing emotionally from the ground up, and are feeling a sense of support, confidence, romance, and receptivity in your love life this year. You are one of the lucky signs of 2025, and this is due to Jupiter, the planet of blessings, entering your sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026. While Jupiter is in your sign, your life expands and you are able to see the gifts of your world that may have been harder to come by previously.
This is a year of spending more time with your loved ones and feeling more heard and supported emotionally. Safety and security are especially important to you this year, and you are only entertaining the people who feel that way about you and provide that. Many Cancers will be expanding their families this year or developing a long-term relationship, and overall this is a year of feeling stronger when it comes to love.
LEO
When it comes to love this year for you, Leo, it’s about trusting your intuition and listening more to what your heart is telling you. There are not many major transits happening in Leo in 2025, which means there is a lot of room to grow, but you may be feeling a lack of support or encouragement to do so. A lot of Leos are taking a step back to look at where they are currently in love, and yearning for some change and a new direction here.
Neptune will be in your 9th house of adventure for most of this year, and you are being asked to get inspired and do things differently, but don’t take unnecessary risks in love that may not serve you in the long run.
It can be easy to get lost in the fantasy of love rather than the actual reality you’ll live in here, and taking more time to understand yourself, your relationships, and the dynamics in your love life will be necessary. Overall, your heart is healing this year and you are moving away from the past and creating your new future.
VIRGO
This year when it comes to love, you are going through changes that are aligning you closer to your goals and dreams here, Virgo. You are focused on making things work that you want to see bloom, and also letting go of putting effort into people that aren’t reciprocating the same energy. With the North Node entering your sister sign Pisces and the South Node moving into your sign from Jan. 11, 2025, until Jul. 26, 2026, you are doing a lot of letting go over the next year.
However, with the North Node being in your 7th house of love, new doors and gifts are also opening up for you and your partnerships. The more you can let go of perfection and overworking your mind and your heart, the more blessings you will experience when it comes to love this year. In 2025, you also have two Eclipses in your sign, and there are overall a lot of changes Virgos are moving through this year. Your main guidance for love is to stand by the things that serve your heart and release yourself from what burdens it.
LIBRA
Love is coming to fruition for you this year, Libra. You have been through a lot in your personal life these past few years, and walking into 2025, you are ready for some positive change. This is a year of feeling in balance with your personal goals and dreams, and what you are experiencing romantically and financially as well. Relationship dynamics are serving you and your sense of abundance, and many gifts are coming your way in love this year.
With Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn all being in your 7th house of love, your love life and partnerships are the main focus for you in 2025.
You are moving through changes, overcoming previous obstacles, and bringing back the dreamy energy here. With Chiron in the 7th, you are still doing some healing of the heart, but with Neptune now entering, it all feels a little more romantic and spiritual at the same time. This year is about believing in the impossible in love, taking care of yourself, and allowing someone else to take care of you as well.
SCORPIO
This year is all about opportunity when it comes to love, Scorpio. You have your eyes on the prize and are focused on what you want for yourself, but also how you want to show up for love as well. You have goals and intentions that you are setting for your love life this year, and a lot of them reflect the passion and strength you are feeling as you enter the year. Vesta is in your sign this year until September, and you have a spark within you that is a magnet for success and love. You are walking forward confidently and are feeling inspired, sexy, and magical this year.
This is a very sensual and powerful year for you, and this energy is being reflected in the relationship experiences you are having. Jupiter also enters your 9th house of adventure halfway through the year, and there is something special about the trips you are taking and the risks you are taking in love. Overall, this is a year of doing things your way and attracting love to you through your inner confidence and charisma.
SAGITTARIUS
This is a beautiful year of feeling balanced and abundant in love, Sagittarius. There is a lot of energy coming in and you are giving a lot of love as well. This sense of synergy you are feeling within your love life this year has a lot to do with Juno, the asteroid of soulmates, in your sign from Feb. 19 - Apr. 15. Your people are coming in and you have options this year, Sag.
This is a year of feeling loved for the inspiring, outgoing, and unique being you are, and meeting more people who match your energy.
Saturn also enters your 5th house of romance this year, and you are learning a lot through your experiences with others. You are learning how to be more confident in who you are and what you want for yourself and also recognizing the importance of making more time for fun and playful experiences. This is the year to see love as a more light-hearted experience and to not take yourself too seriously.
CAPRICORN
You are letting things come to you when it comes to love this year, Capricorn. You are feeling beautiful, capable, and worthy, and you are receiving the gifts that come from this sense of confidence and patience. This past year, you were setting a lot of new goals for yourself and your relationships, and in 2025, you are experiencing the results of these efforts.
Jupiter moves into your sister sign Cancer from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, and enters your 7th house of love, partnerships, romance, marriage, and harmony. Your love life and experience of it all are expanding this year, and benevolent Jupiter is sending blessings to this area of your life. This is a year of things coming full circle for you in love, and you feel less confused about it all and more sure of yourself and what is becoming for you here.
AQUARIUS
Love is a highlight for you this year, Aquarius. You are coming together with another, and many Aquarius’ will be forming new relationships or growing within a strong relationship. You are experiencing the fruition of your dreams in love, and are also able to heal and let go of past emotional experiences that have been overwhelming for you in the past.
The North Node enters your 12th house of closure this year, and you are motivated towards change, cleaning house, and releasing the cobwebs of the past.
You are walking into new emotional experiences with less baggage and self-doubt, and are experiencing a fresh start in love. This is a year of asking for what you need emotionally and receiving it. Love is coming in for you in harmonious and magical ways, and you are rewriting your story in love in 2025.
PISCES
You are moving through a lot of changes when it comes to love in 2025, Pisces. This is a year of closure, healing, and giving yourself a fresh start, and the way you enter the year will be a lot different than the way you end it. The North Node of Destiny enters your sign this year, and the South Node of Karma enters your 7th house of love. So, a lot of your focus this year is on your personal goals and path, and there may be some neglect or lack of focus on your relationships.
This can create some discord with those close to you, and your guidance for this year is to try to balance the personal successes and wins you are experiencing, with the love changes that also need your attention right now. Know that what leaves your life this year is being replaced by something better, and also know that your healing doesn’t need to have a timeline and you can take as much time as you need to grow. Overall, you are turning a new page in love in 2025.
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Plus, if you've found yourself hitting major walls in the job search misadventures, sometimes it's best to take a pause and consider embracing a more radical approach that's less about action and more about inaction. Here's where the anti-work movement comes in. But what does this look like for Black women who literally need that coin to pay bills, take care of their children, splurge on that international trip, or reinvest in a side hustle? Let's get into it.
What Is the Anti-Work Movement?
Back in 2021, Black women led during the Great Resignation, and the Anti-Work Movement also gained steam, with more than 800,000 Reddit users "contemplating unemployment for all, not just the rich," according to Forbes. By 2023, the BBC reports, subscribers contributing to (or at least silently interested in) the conversation increased to 1.7 million.
The whole premise of the Anti-Work Movement centers on redefining what a healthy work environment really looks like. It's about taking companies to task about how well professionals are compensated for their gifts, time, and talents (or not), and to advocate for ways to make money that don't involve giving your blood, sweat, tears, and survival to a company for pennies on the dollar.
With the anti-work movement, there's also a sense of community where people can actually find others who relate to their struggles, who are offering solutions for a better way of working and living, and are calling out companies and managers who accommodate toxic work cultures and systems.
How The Anti-Work Movement Impacts Black Women
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With the anti-work movement, there's a sense of fighting for quality versus quantity, prioritizing self-care and balance, and fighting against exploitation, imbalance, and greed. For Black women, this can be essential, vital, and life-saving.
"I am only able to have a life-giving rest practice because I have boundaries that center my divinity. I don’t attach my worth to my accomplishments, to-do list or career," writes Tricia Hershey, founder of the Nap Ministry, an activism and community organization that promotes the liberating benefits of rest, recently wrote on her website. "I truly never have and I’m so grateful for this feat. Even when I was unemployed, I knew deep down I was enough and my life was worth so much. It’s as if capitalism, white supremacy, and patriarchy had not hooked its beast-like tentacles into my being. I had escaped."
And while the Nap Ministry centers on rest advocacy and not on avoiding work altogether, it presents the perfect example of how a shift in strategy and thought process—especially when it comes to the stress and anxiety associated with a high-powered, high-paying job or a very frustrating job search—can totally change your life for the better.
Hershey's insights on unemployment (and the success evidence of her platform to the tune of more than 555,000 Instagram followers, in-demand speaking opportunities, and recent book release) prove that you, too, can survive releasing the stress and reevaluating your why in order to find peace and get your sanity back.
In her research, “You Won’t Break My Soul: Black Women’s Contemporary Anti-Work Philosophies and Post-Work Experiences,” Dr. Sharla Berry, a Southern California scholar and lecturer, explores how Black women are considering and testing out contemporary anti-work philosophies and making shifts that challenge “collective action and policy” and moves toward “individual responses to the problems of work.”
When asked last year about her interest in exploring the topic of anti-work, she indicated that the curiosity was sparked by something she could relate to. “I was doing some research, I guess, to support how I was already feeling and how so many Black people were feeling which is this idea that work is not working for us,” Berry said during a July 2024 interview with Blacktivism In The Academy podcast.
“I think what’s important about anti-work is that it doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t work,” she continued. “We still live in a capitalistic society, so not working, for many, may not be accessible or practical, though increasingly Black people are to make it, so, and we can talk about that. I think the larger idea is a stance, it’s a way of thinking critically about work, it’s a way of resisting the supremacy of work in your life, it’s an approach to organizing and collaborating around resisting work, and it's a way of thinking about how you lead and the role you take on as a boss, a manager, in your own head and in others’.”
The Unique Ways Black Women Can Embrace Anti-Work Philosophy
For Black women, the foundational concepts of the Anti-Work Movement (and the subsequent self-discovery and self-exploration that can be inspired by it) present its own set of empowering enlightenment, and a rethinking of the return on investment of your grind. (And of course, there are double-edge-sword-like challenges, since we still face workplace discrimination, unequal pay, disproportionate numbers related to serving as head of household (or breadwinner), and oh, there's that disparity of white and socioeconomic privilege related to having limits on our choices when it comes to when, where and how we earn our money.)
There are ways we can empower ourselves by simply considering the different ways of thinking about how we approach work, job seeking, and placing value on how we spend our time. Here's how:
1. Rethink your ultimate overall "why" and how work feeds that "why."
This is especially important during a job search where you're not getting callbacks or you're being offered low-quality experiences for low or inadequate pay. I've experienced this, especially as a self-employed freelancer, and I've walked away from opportunities simply because I'd outgrown them and wanted more, even when I didn't have a Plan B. I just wouldn't settle for other offers to do the same work for the same pay.
I've always enjoyed pouring into others and I find joy in being able to sleep peacefully at night knowing I've made a real, tangible, measurable difference. I like being known for leadership and being visible (and openly rewarded both verbally and financially) for my impact on a company or a team.
I began to think about my bottom line, which wasn't being able to afford designer clothes or a five-bedroom house, but doing work that makes my soul smile while, at the same time, being able to afford to pay affordable basic bills, buy a few dozen new books and art every month, and enjoy the priceless elements of life like friendship, fellowship, and enriching travel experiences.
Consider taking a detour from that hyper-focus on your current industry and work a retail, remote, or gig job. Put some pressure on that side hustle and get it going. Those actions might be the better move than sending that 100th resume for that corporate marketing job.
Sometimes embracing an anti-work approach means downsizing, selling everything and moving to another city or country, finding other ways to finance lodging (ie becoming a resident assistant, live-in nurse, or joining the Peace Corps), or finally monetizing that YouTube channel that's been collecting digital dust. It might be tapping into your artistic side, applying for grants, or unapologetically going hard polyworking until you reach your sabbatical fund goal.
2. Slowly give less power to being booked and busy, and more power to self-reflection and service.
Service opportunities can put you in rooms that might have been closed to you as a random, faceless job seeker. Many CEOs, hiring managers, and executives give of their time and money to various causes, so any time you can set $50-$200 to buy a ticket to a gala or fundraiser, or you can volunteer (for free) for major causes for civic organizations, educational institutions or churches, do it.
Find people you can network with, carpool to save costs and ask for help. The anti-work movement also includes a huge component dependent on community-building and human engagement (as activism always does), so get out of that LinkedIn inbox and out in those volunteer streets.
At one time, when I was in between clients and the bills were piling up, I decided to stop with the follow-up emails and find out how I could use my talents pro bono through Taproot Foundation. I ended up connecting with a savvy nonprofit founder serving youth in Jamaica and helped the organization redevelop elements of its branding and messaging. It was a big boost to my confidence after weeks of nos and no responses and reminded me that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I was also, shortly after the project ended, able to add to my portfolio for a job I landed.
3. Release the pressure of worrying about what others might think and really lean deeply into your calling through alternative exploration.
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When you're forced to be creative and innovative, it's a great opportunity to see what you're truly made of and free yourself from the leash that is public (or family) approval. Many of us grow up being told that when you're not working you're "lazy," "unaccomplished," or "not winning," and there's this unnecessary shame attached to it for those of us who are accomplished, smart ambitious professionals simply going through the motions of real life.
Whenever I'd find myself unemployed--whether I quit or was let go---I'd hear my Granny's judgmental (but lovingly concerned) voice in my head saying, "How you lose a good job like that?" Sometimes that "good job" is a detriment to our physical and mental health or it can be the one thing that's hindering us from doing what we're truly on Earth to do simply because we're scared of the scorn and shame of quitting. And we have every right to outgrow a role or industry.
Taking some time off of that job search, finding ways to maximize your savings, investments, and other financial support resources, and radically rethinking your approach to making money can definitely help to strengthen your sense of self, your skills, and your ability to overcome anything life throws your way.
Listen, I've worked call center jobs, did DoorDash (where dogs all but attacked me for a huge trough of chicken on a back country road), and even lived off of a severance check for a while with no effort to look for a job at times when I decided to fully release and allow God to do His thing.
Each experience taught me something deeply profound about self-reliance and independence. They reinforced that I am a slave to no job, rejection email, client contract, outstanding bill, or title. I can do all things, as God intended, and I can live fully and abundantly regardless of an economy or unemployment rate.
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