Black Men On How Mental Health Struggles Impacted Their Relationships
I remember the first time I started to notice I was struggling with my mental health. It was three years ago and I was completely burnt out. I was getting anxious and worried about every sudden change that happened, and I was irritable about everything. It affected my work, my relationship with my family, and my love life. We always hear about how "strong" Black women are. We are women who get up every day to run our own businesses, climb up the corporate ladder, take care of the children, support our friends/partner, and uplift the next woman all at the same damn time.
Doesn't that sound exhausting—to be expected to carry all of these things on your shoulders and to still show up with a smile on your face? This can take a toll on anyone—mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. In the same way that Black women are not given enough space to really talk about their struggles, it's the same, if not worse, for our Black men. Black men have their own weight of the world to carry and have been conditioned to avoid addressing how their mental health has impacted their lives, especially in relationships.
I know we have all experienced relationships or friendships when things just feel "off". We can either assume the guy is "trippin'" or we can accuse the guy of acting immature. But what if it's deeper than that? Just like we Black women have our days working with our own issues, it could be applied to men, too. What if the guy you are dating is dealing with a mental health issue and hasn't figured out how to really balance it, in the name of love?
I am all for providing a safe space for both my Black men and women to really understand where each of us is coming from. These four Black men were able to be completely honest with me with the deets on what goes on in their minds for matters of the heart:
*Some responses have been edited for length and clarity.
Khas, 30
"When I was younger I was placed into foster care at around six years old. I had a lot of behavioral challenges and was labeled as an 'at-risk youth'. They had me going to therapy, group counseling, and taking medication, all to control me. Now that I am an adult and I am more aware of my story, I am able to identify my mental health challenges that stem back to my childhood. Part of my self-care has been practicing self-awareness and giving myself permission to explore resources that teach me how to cope with feelings I may have never experienced before or I have and just don't know why.
"In past relationships, it was as if I was six years old again, feeling things that I couldn't explain, but in adult form. So every time I would feel things I couldn't explain, I would sometimes react in unhealthy ways, not because I was a bad person but because I grew up in environments that didn't teach me how to handle my emotions. I didn't learn conflict resolution growing up. I'm only really learning it now.
"Every failed relationship taught me that we have to remember that we are meeting people in the middle of their stories. I was showing up in relationships with baggage that I didn't even know I was carrying, and so were they. We all want love and healthy relationships. But at the time, I wasn't aware I wasn't ready for any of it. We are both showing up as the sum total of everything that we have been through and sometimes we haven't healed yet.
"I think mental health and Black men get a bad rap. Black men who are serious about their mental health or who advocate for it are often met with criticism instead of open arms or even open-mindedness. And I think that speaks to how the Black community at large, especially men, is still fighting to change the narrative around mental health. A lot of us come from families where mental health wasn't a thing. A lot of it is ignorance and a misconception that if you go to get the help that there is something wrong with you and then you're labeled.
"There is also a lack of resources if we're to be honest. We don't talk enough about how self-care is a luxury. Everyone can't afford or have access to it. But despite the stigma, I think we have a responsibility to check in with ourselves and do whatever we can to be the best that we can be. Once you get a handle on your mental health, you can handle relationships and businesses well, your career thrives, and everything attached to you starts to prosper. It is truly liberating."
Devin, 29
Courtesy of Devin
"I think the biggest moment I realized I was struggling with my mental health was when I moved to a new city by myself in 2017. I recognized that a lot goes into not just being an adult, but having a work-life balance and paying attention to how outside factors impact me. I noticed how I would cling to past romantic relationships and string them out longer than they needed to be. I have decided to seek help since then, but I haven't done so just yet. The main reason is that I have prioritized other things above this and honestly one of the things I factor into it is money. Working in education, I'm not making shit. I do know that I have some assistance in my healthcare package with my job, but I just haven't acted on it yet.
"With trying to balance work and my romantic relationships, people felt like they couldn't read me. When I would be feeling depressed, I would shut down and not be as open. Sometimes I felt that I could articulate what I was going through at the time, the best way I could, but it was either not being received or I wasn't being understood. I have learned from those moments that I need to refine my communication on my emotional state in the future."
Chris, 30
Courtesy of Chris
"I really got a grasp on my mental health when I was in college. I was diagnosed with bipolar depression, and I have tried therapy and prescription drugs. With therapy, I compared it to going to the gym. You go in and once you're done you feel great. But once you leave, you eventually start going back to those old ways—like it was only effective when I was there, not afterward. With the medication, I have tried five to six prescriptions, but things were not working. Since I'm an Illustrator, I've been able to put a lot of emphasis on keeping myself busy with my passion and using it when times get rough.
"With my girlfriend and I, I have always had a hard time expressing myself and getting my point across. It would take me weeks to express something so small that could have been handled sooner if I would've just said something in that moment. I also isolate myself a lot. I don't want to be a burden and bring any bad vibes to anyone when I am feeling down."
"Now that we have a son, I want to say that I have improved a bit. Before, if I would get upset, I would sit in that mood for weeks and sometimes months. Now, I have managed to be upset for a couple of days and sometimes not even that long. When I get stressed out, I want to step away, but you can't do that with a four-year-old, especially during these times. So I try the breathing exercises and stick it out for my son. I want my family to work, so I am putting in the work by communicating and making sure my girl knows that I am still the man she fell in love with, despite my diagnosis. It's an everyday process, but it's important to seek out any positivity and hold on to it."
Avrey, 31
"When I noticed I was struggling with my mental health, it [was] toward the middle of 2019. I put a lot of pressure on myself as a husband and a father of two because I didn't grow up in a two-parent household. Technically, I'm adopted, and not having that relationship with either of my parents is what I have realized really impacted me. My wife and I just started marriage counseling.
"Granted, my wife and I have an immaculate friendship and are wonderful parents to our kids together, but when it comes down to our relationship, we operate differently in what makes us tick. During counseling, one of the hardest parts for me is that I am very vocal and articulate how I feel. But I didn't know I wasn't articulating everything. Whenever there is a conflict or a confrontation, I have a template where I handle every situation the same way and that's not going to work. So for both of us, it has been this peeling of the banana and peeling back these layers so we can get over the hump.
"I commend my wife for being there for me naturally and admittedly I know I pushed her away being guarded and defensive. I grew up in an environment where it's either 'Get them or get got' and I needed to learn how to not be figuratively armed all the time. So now I am working on undoing some of the damage I have caused. I applaud her for being patient with me and it makes me love her that much more.
"For my men who are struggling, it's OK to be vulnerable. It's OK to understand that you may have been susceptible to certain experiences you wish have never happened. Do not allow it to hold you back from who you are meant to be. Us men, we try to shoulder the world of everything that we were told that we ain't and everything we haven't been given. We can't do it all alone. We also have to understand the importance of the Black woman and how she contributes to our lives.
"Black women have been doing the same thing for years and years and that is protecting Black men. So it is up to us to protect Black women by healing ourselves and stopping this vicious cycle of toxic masculinity. We have to take ownership of that."
Featured image by Shutterstock
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'K' is a multi-hyphenated free spirit from Chicago. She is a lover of stories and the people who tell them. As a writer, 9-5er, and Safe Space Curator, she values creating the life she wants and enjoying the journey along the way. You can follow her on Instagram @theletter__k_.
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Your Guide To Letting Go Of What No Longer Serves You Based On Astrology
Letting go is a gift we are given and a strength that we find throughout our lives. There are times when we want to grab ahold of what we are experiencing and sensing, and times when we need to let go of something that was once everything to us or what we wanted for ourselves. The moment you conclude that you need to let something go in your life is the moment that your brain fights to make that happen for you.
In Astrology, there is an area of your birth chart that is designed for you to understand where you will be letting go a lot in this lifetime, and exactly how to do so. We dive through the birth chart as we seek a deeper understanding of ourselves and let go of what no longer serves us, and there are tools available to help us do so. If you don't know where your South Node is in your birth chart, you can use a free calculator like this one here.
What Does Your South Node Represent in Astrology?
When it comes to what we are destined to let go of or move away from in this lifetime, we look to the South Node. The South Node is the area of your birth chart that has to do with your past lives, karma, lessons, old habits and traits, gifts, and energy you are moving away from in this lifetime.
Your South Node is opposite your North Node, which is your destiny and the energy you want to move towards.
We can learn a lot from our South Node and it’s an area of our life where we tend to gain the most wisdom. By understanding why some patterns in your life tend to play out in the same ways, you can be more conscious of the choices you make in the now and let go of who and what doesn’t serve you in the process.
South Node Insights: Letting Go
The South Node is our natural gifts and talents, but also where we don’t need to focus so much of our energy on, taking us away from where we need to be developing, which is the North Node. So when you are looking to let go of something, gain a new perspective, or feel more trusting in what you are doing right now, you can examine your South Node.
We learn from our South Node by not making the same mistakes over again, letting go of what needs to be let go of, and understanding what we need in order to create space for our new beginning.
Read below for your South Node on how to let go of what no longer serves you.
Aries South Node: Letting Go of Independence for Connection
You are used to being independent and figuring things out on your own. In this lifetime, however, you are being asked to lean on others for support when you need it. You are working on letting go of the ego and focusing more on the heart. By extending your compassion for others, you discover a part of yourself that leads you toward empowerment and allows you to let go of a false sense of safety.
You are meant to experience harmonious, fortunate, and compatible love in this lifetime, and you will do so by opening your heart to others and letting go of people who don’t support you or whom you can’t count on.
Taurus South Node: Releasing Overdependence and Superficiality
With your South Node in Taurus, you are letting go of the need to acquire by focusing on the depth and intention of what you are obtaining. Your relationships tend to have a lot to do with your financial world, and these things can get twisted and distorted if you are not being careful.
In this lifetime, you are working on letting go of what doesn’t serve you by following your heart and your intuition more and focusing more on the feeling you want for yourself rather than the things themselves. You are also working on letting go of overdependence or superficiality in relationships, by connecting with the people whom you have a deep and spiritual bond with.
Gemini South Node: Finding Freedom in Authenticity
For you, letting go means following your freedom. You are meant to do things your own way in this lifetime, and the less you can focus on how you are going to be perceived, the more you can live the life of your dreams. With a South Node in Gemini, you are moving away from the commotion of life. What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is traveling, getting out of your comfort zone, and being in new environments.
In past lives, you may have given too much of your focus on your social successes and business pursuits, and in this lifetime, you are meant to focus on the bigger picture. What helps you let go is understanding that once you do, better is available to you.
Cancer South Node: Trusting Yourself Beyond Emotional Impulses
With a South Node in Cancer, you are learning to trust yourself and your logic more than your emotional world in this lifetime. By letting go of feeling like you have to be the one to nurture and support everyone and allowing people to do that for you, you lead your destiny.
With your South Node in Cancer, you are letting go of emotional impulsiveness or making decisions irrationally before you have thought about them.
In past lives, you were led by your emotional world, and in this lifetime, you are meant to think more about your long-term goals and intentions. What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is knowing that you are more than what you can give to others.
Leo South Node: Prioritizing Community Over Recognition
In this lifetime, you are working on letting go of the need to be seen and recognized and focus more on your need for community and soul companionship. You are moving away from the “I” and moving closer to the “We.” What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is giving your focus to humanity, the progress you want to make in this lifetime, and who you want to make it with.
You are learning how to work with others and let go of the need to figure everything out yourself. The more you connect with the people who make you want to team up and form a relationship, rather than the people who make you want to be alone, the better for you.
Virgo South Node: Embracing Compassion Over Perfection
In this lifetime, you are letting go of the need to do everything yourself and to have everything all together. You can let go of what no longer serves you by thinking more with your heart than you do with your mind and by trusting this gift of yours. By focusing more on your spirituality, emotional connections, and creativity, you let go of a timid side of you that can disrupt your relationships or the bonds you make.
In past lifetimes, you were focused on perfection. In this lifetime, you are meant to focus on compassion. By surrendering more to the flow of things, you can let go of what no longer serves you while remaining open for what does.
Libra South Node: Rediscovering Your Independence
With your South Node in Libra, you are meant to experience the gifts of independence, freedom, and inner clarity in this lifetime. In the past, you may have been more dependent on the people around you and made a lot of your focus on love. However, in this lifetime, you are being reminded to not lose your identity in others. You can let go of what no longer serves you by only moving towards the things that feel authentic to you.
You are meant to feel confident, inspired, and free in your relationships, and if you don’t feel this way, then that is a sign you are around energy that doesn’t serve you. You are meant to do things your own way in this lifetime.
Scorpio South Node: Letting Go of Struggles and Embracing Ease
With your South Node in Scorpio, you have lived many lives and have experienced a lot emotionally. In this lifetime, you are learning how to trust the process more and to understand that not everything has to be difficult or trying for you. You can experience great things with ease, and you’ll know you are in the right place when things are just falling into your lap.
What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is focusing more on the things and people who make you feel safe, stable, and comfortable. Instead of always seeking the rush or the thrill, bring your attention more towards the things that ground you.
Sagittarius South Node: Building Connection Through Learning
Your South Node in Sagittarius urges you towards connection with your community and your immediate environment. In this lifetime, you are letting go of the need to be everywhere at once, rather than with the people who matter most to you. You are moving away from knowing everything and into learning everything.
By looking at life as a place where you will learn, grow, and connect, you can let go of the things that stretch you too thin or don’t serve your heart.
What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is expressing yourself more, meeting new people, and spending time on a cause or creative project that inspires you.
Capricorn South Node: Choosing Home and Foundations Over Status
In this lifetime, you are meant to put more value and effort into your personal life, home, family, and foundations in life. In past lifetimes, a lot of your focus was on your reputation, achievements, and successes, and in this lifetime, you are meant to bring your energy more to the home base, family, and stability in life.
You will know if something is right for you if you want it because it makes you feel safe and nurtured, rather than just something that looks pleasing to the eye. What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is by focusing more on your personal life rather than your public, and what you truly see for yourself here.
Aquarius South Node: Shining in Your Individuality
With an Aquarius South Node, you are meant to shine, be seen, and express yourself in this lifetime. You are letting go of the lone wolf energy you are used to, and working on taking up space. You are able to let go of what no longer serves you by being confident in yourself and the decisions you are making.
If someone doesn’t make you feel like the best thing in the entire world, then they aren’t right for you. In past lifetimes, you gave a lot of your energy to your community and the people around you, and in this lifetime, you are meant to focus on yourself and your path more. It’s all about doing what makes you feel good and trusting that you deserve to.
Pisces South Node: Honoring Logic While Embracing Intuition
Your lesson in this lifetime is that your mind is your gift. In past lives, you were very intuitive, psychic, and spiritual, and in this lifetime, you are learning to trust and honor the logical part of yourself more. You may tend to put your all into your relationships and not get the same energy back, and you are working on taking care of yourself first before you can give to another.
What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is trusting your body and the signals it gives you when you are around certain people or energy that doesn’t serve. Get organized, figure out your needs, boundaries, and wants, and get clear on who you are and what you want for yourself.
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Featured image by Guido Mieth/Getty Images