7 Ways To Establish A Mental Connection Long Before You Enter The Bedroom
I am not a casual sex type of person. I love dick but I love an emotional connection more. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried it once or twice but ultimately sex is better when I have a connection–the penis just feels better. However, pop culture would have you believe that when you meet someone, it’s automatic lust at first sight. You’re supposed to not be able to keep your hands off of each other due to all the sexual tension. Well in reality, especially in my life, that’s not how it works. I need a little more than physical attraction to get my juices flowing.
As a sex expert, I’ve found that most women, more often than not need a connection before penetration. It’s just how we are hardwired. The sexual response cycle for men and women is totally different. Generally, before a woman can get aroused, she has to experience desire. For most men, all it takes is a little visual stimulation, and boom. In fact, most men don’t need to feel an emotional connection at all in order to have sex; all they need is a warm hole. Do with that information what you will. But, women on the other hand tend to feel sexual desire once the emotional connection is formed.
Building an emotional connection can lead to better sexual experiences. Emotional intimacy helps stimulate oxytocin, the love hormone, which creates trust and vulnerability. A study published in American Sociological Review found that heterosexual college women have orgasms more often in relationships than in hookups. Most women value safety, in all aspects of their lives. When I feel safe and comfortable with someone, I’m more likely to take risks and explore new things. I'm also more willing to share my inner thoughts, desires, and fantasies within a safe space.
Knowing one another on an emotional level can help build mutual respect. Having mutual respect means you value your partner and consider their thoughts and feelings. Being shown respect l builds appreciation and appreciation builds connection. It’s important to keep in mind that building emotional intimacy takes time and work.
Being vulnerable can be scary and uncomfortable. But here are some helpful tips you can use to help deepen the bond with your partner while making it less awkward.
1.Open and Honest Communication To Build Trust
Communication is the key to all levels of intimacy. Most women like to communicate, especially about feelings. Sharing about each other’s day and about what’s happening in each other’s life helps women feel more emotionally connected. Try having a conversation before sex. If you want to relate to each other on a deeper level, you'll need to open up and let your partner experience your hopes, fears, dreams, and vulnerabilities.
Also, pillow talk sessions are a great way to build emotional connections after sex. Researchers found that people who spend more time on post-sex affection—like cuddling, kissing, caressing, spooning, or expressing their love for each other—are more satisfied in their relationships and feel more sexually satisfied.
2.Learn Each Other's Love Language
Gary Chapman the author of the popular book, The 5 Love Languages came up with five general ways that romantic partners express and experience love. The five ways we experience love are through Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Oftentimes we assume that our partner wants to receive love in the same way that we do, and this can lead to frustration and disappointment.
If your partner’s love language is quality time but you are too busy working and keep buying them expensive gifts instead, they aren’t going to feel connected to you. Learning how our partner receives love builds connection.
3.Kisses, Kisses and More Kisses
A 2013 study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior reported that frequent kissing is correlated with a couple’s perception of the quality of their relationship and specifically, the more kissing there is, the higher levels of happiness that are reported. Kissing usually is the first thing to take place before engaging in other sexual activity. It helps you decide your sexual compatibility and desire for this person before sex and gives you more time to build up that sexual anticipation.
However, kissing can start fading the longer a relationship goes. One study found that 1 in 5 couples don’t even kiss at all. So, try to incorporate kissing throughout the day and during sex as a way to build a connection.
4.Explore Sensuality Without the Goal of Orgasm
Take time to explore each other’s bodies and fantasies without orgasm being the only goal. By taking your time, you will learn to appreciate each other more on both an emotional and physical level. Good communication will come in handy when discussing what ways you like to engage in foreplay and what ways don’t get you as turned on. Think about and enjoy what you are experiencing and how you might give pleasure to your partner in return.
5.Be Friends First
Friendship is at the core of any strong relationship. Research has shown that friendship in a relationship is an important indicator of both romantic and physical satisfaction. Couples who are friends report higher levels of happiness in their relationships than couples who aren’t. Get back to being friends by having fun and being playful. Having fun can be as simple as laughing at each other's jokes or leaving each other silly notes.
6.Share Experiences
Doing things…together…is important. Even if it’s just binging on Netflix next to each other on the couch, have shared experiences in your week. Whatever it is that you and your partner like to do, do it together as a simple way to build a stronger connection in a relationship. If you live completely separate lives you’re not going to be very connected with each other. Shared experiences bring partners closer.
7.Show Empathy and Sympathy
One of the most important things partners can do for each other provides empathy and understanding. Empathy means relating to your partner's feelings and making them feel understood, which helps validate your partner's feelings and gives comfort. When things are tough, expressing empathy or sympathy helps your partner understand how valuable the bond is that they share with you. They learn to appreciate your feelings and often reciprocate too.
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Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Alaska Wasn’t On My Bucket List, But My Glacier Adventure Made Me A Believer
We all have bucket list destinations at the top of our lists. I visited one of those at the top of 2024: Japan! But what happens when you get an opportunity to go someplace that wasn’t on it? For me, that was Alaska. Now, I’d submitted my short film to the Anchorage International Film Festival, genuinely thinking it would be a long shot to get in with a short film about fibroids and Black women’s health.
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
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Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert