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
Ahh, it's the most wonderful time of the year. The sound of love is finally in the air but for some of us, the only thing making noise is Janet Jackson's "I Get So Lonely" blasting through our AirPods. But thanks to xoNecole, we've got something for you that'll hopefully perk you right on up, or at least help keep hope alive on the love and romance front.
We've rounded up more than a fair share of eye candy and found out exactly what draws them in about a woman and what they're looking for in their next relationship. Ranging across various industries and zodiac signs (side-eyeing you Geminis though), these fine, fine assortments of chocolate delight are sure to have you blasting "Let's Get Married" in no time.
So if you think you're ready to trade in your Janet Jackson vibes for an Ari Lennox "BMO" mood, check out these 9 gorgeous MCMs and don't ever say we never did anything nice for you. We always got you, sis.
Mike Merrill
@_MikeMerrill_
Courtesy of Mike Merrill
Age: In his twenties
Occupation: Actor, Emcee & Motivational Speaker
Hobbies/Interests: Working out, playing Call of Duty, sports, going to the gun range, creating content and family time
Zodiac Sign: Cancer
Relationship Status: Single
How he prefers to meet a woman...
"If she's already seen me in person, then I would rather meet that way. But if you've seen me on social media first, then I don't mind that either. But my choice would be in person!"
What attracts him to a woman...
"The way she looks overall: her face, body, the way she dresses and the way she walks. But specifically, I love to catch a smiling woman."
What keeps him interested...
"The way she carries herself as a person, meaning the way she speaks and how much personality she has. Honestly, with me, it depends on the woman because I could find different things in a woman firsthand that might get me--that another woman can't. Different women have different flaws and features to them. But if on social media: the marketing of her page, the things she says in her captions, her bio and last but not least the type of work she does. You can get a lot more info on a person through social media before even approaching."
How he knows he's ready to commit...
"When we are both in tuned with who we are as separate individuals and can deal with each other through thick and thin based off the bond we've already built thus far. Our energy has to be welcoming most of the time when we're with each other. We have to respect each other on all levels and come to agreements instead of arguing. [We] both [have to] believe in God and truly know the meaning of faith and have it. And even though we're in control of our own happiness, we have to be there for each other to support our individual life choices."
His stance on courtship...
"Hell no! Let me say first: I'm a Cancer, so I feel a lot more than others. If you don't believe in courtship and don't want it, then you don't want me because that's a big factor for me."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"Trust, compassion, and a sense of humor."
His version of the best Valentine's Day date...
"A positive, eventful, smiling/laughing all day and sharing good energy type of day pretty much sums it up for me!"
Romel Rose
Courtesy of Romel Rose
Age: 28
Occupation: Filmmaker & Actor
Hobbies/Interests: Watching movies, making movies, and spending time with family
Zodiac Sign: Leo
Relationship Status: Single, but on a journey of working on my relationship with God
What attracts him to a woman...
"What draws my attention now is seeing how she carries herself: Is she somebody who seeks attention or is she somebody that's confident in herself? And then I try to see what she's about because, in LA, it's slim pickings. And that goes both ways, men and women. Everyone's out here seeking some kind of attention and approval, so you kind of have to know how that person gets down."
What keeps him interested...
"Our interests, if we catch a vibe and just have a good conversation. If we're on the same page and have a similar sense of humor, that's really big for me."
How he knows he's ready to commit...
"I never really know, to be honest. From my personal experience, it's always kind of just happened. It was never calculated, it was always like, we started dating and we grew a bond. And then it becomes a thing to where it's like, 'I don't want to be with anybody else and you don't want to be with anybody else, so?' Then you have to have that conversation. I think you kind of know when there's nobody else in the picture. But that changes over time because for me now, I have to look at 'are we compatible?' Just because there's nobody else, it doesn't always mean we're going to be compatible romantically or that we share the same views on different things. It has to be more of a spiritual, soul type of thing; otherwise I'll get bored after six months."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"We have to be spiritually in alignment, it can't be a 'you're attractive and I like you.' It has to be ordained by God, it has to be deeper than that. A sense of humor, and we have to be able to get along. I have to like being around you. Our souls have to be aligned, our spirits need to be aligned, and a sense of humor are my biggest ones. That's just where I am right now."
"We have to be spiritually in alignment, it can't be a 'you're attractive and I like you.' It has to be ordained by God."
His version of the best Valentine's Day date...
"I'm not a big romantic, but honestly it depends on the person you're dating. Catering to what that person likes to do. But something like us going out of town, getting out of LA, leaving our phones in the car and just enjoying each other. That would be dope, I'm not real extravagant. I'm very simple."
Lawrence H. Robinson
Courtesy of Lawrence H. Robinson
Age: 30
Occupation: Actor
Hobbies/Interests: Family time, restaurant-hopping, and relaxing
Zodiac Sign: Aries
Relationship Status: "Single as hell"
How he prefers to meet a woman...
"She can definitely slide in my DMs. I'm not mad at a DM slide, her or me."
What attracts him to a woman...
"Definitely if it comes across as if she doesn't go out too much. Like on social media, if she's posting about her job or her travels and not out at clubs, that'll stick out to me."
What keeps him interested...
"If she notices that I have a son. If that's one of the first things she mentions, that's important to me."
How he knows he's ready to commit...
"I'll know when it gets to the point to where I feel like I have to talk to you everyday. If it's a necessity that I talk to you everyday or I need to see you everyday, then we should take it to the next step. I don't want to spend all that time and have all these conversations for us to just say we're just friends."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"We must laugh a lot. I can't stand a serious relationship. We must be able to help each other with our finances. I think that we should be able to communicate and help each other if need be. Not necessarily meaning we always give each other money but just checking up on each other and making sure her bills are intact and my bills are intact. And if we're both in communication about our finances, it could help make both of our lives better. We must be supportive of one another, she has to be my best friend. I believe your partner should be your best friend. She has to outdo them."
His version of the best Valentine's Day date...
"I love to sight-see, so probably somewhere where there's a beautiful view and you can grab dinner. Dinner on a rooftop is always a good thing for me. Dinner on a rooftop, good conversation, and taking in the person I'm with and the environment will always be a solid date for me."
Terayle Hill
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Courtesy of Terayle Hill
Age: 26
Occupation: Actor
Hobbies/Interests: Playing basketball, filmmaking, and producing
Zodiac Sign: Aquarius
Relationship Status: Single
What attracts him to a woman...
"I don't want to sit here and act like looks don't mean anything, but sometimes you could just hear her voice and notice her energy and that could be it. I think the more I come into who I'm becoming, I feel like I can just feel it. A lot of times when I see someone I'm attracted to, it's because of how I feel when I look at them and not just what they look like. You have to pay attention to both. If you have an energy that pulls in a room, then that's what'll get my attention."
What keeps him interested...
"Her smile. I think if you meet somebody for the first time and they're not smiling, it says a lot about how they feel. And the conversation, so I would say the verbal and non-verbal communication that we have. That'll pretty much sell it for me."
How he knows he's ready to commit...
"It depends on what you want. Some people are looking to build, other people are looking for somebody to explore their twenties with. For me personally, I'm trying to build. I have a lot of things I'm working on in the background entrepreneurially, that are very important to me. So if this person has the capacity to deal with the things that I have going on in my life, as well as openness to me being a part of her passion, then I think we can keep each other inspired.You have to check with the mandatory things, her parents accepting you and her family, and the red flags. But if all the standard stuff checks out, then I would have to make sure she aligns with my journey. That's how I would know."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"A good attitude about life. I have to have positive energy. It's a bonus if you're athletic. I like someone who likes to take care of themselves and who pays attention to health and fitness. And a talent. Talent in something, a chef, a singer, a dancer.It's not a requirement but it's definitely something that gets my attention. Talent in something, a chef, a singer, a dancer."
His version of the best Valentine's Day date...
"I like to plan things so it would consist of me planning the day for her and things going exactly how I pictured it in my head while. As long as everything goes well and she's enjoying herself, that's all I care about. I don't necessarily care about me, I think it's the guy's job to pursue and put things in action for the person that we're with. Especially on a day like Valentine's Day."
Jason Shockness
Courtesy of Jason Shockness
Age: 27
Occupation: Software Engineering Student
Hobbies/Interests: Traveling, sports mainly basketball and football, and cooking
Zodiac Sign: Scorpio
Relationship Status: Single
How he prefers to meet a woman...
"By chance, only because hopping into DMs usually doesn't lead to anything. When it's a genuine connection and you meet when you're just out and about, I think it's more likely to last. For me, at least."
What attracts him to a woman...
"Definitely her face. There are three things: her face, her body, and her personality. Sometimes you can tell if she's goofy especially on social media or in person."
What keeps him interested...
"Her personality. Something has to stand out about her to make me want to stay and learn more. What's interesting about you? What do you like to do? What are your go-to's? What do you do? You have to ask if you have kids nowadays too."
How he knows he's ready to commit...
"When you get a certain vibe from that person and when you feel like you don't want to go out anymore and you just want to be with that person more often. Most of the time your friends will point it out too. That's probably the point when you feel like you want to be exclusive with that person."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"She must be determined, must be a go-getter for sure. She must be down to earth and she must have common sense. It's crazy I have to say that but it's real. A lot of people don't have common sense."
His version of the best Valentine's Day date...
"It would probably be like a weekend vacation. Just the two of us, like if we leave Friday and come back on a Sunday, we just be excluded from the world."
Tripp Fontane
Courtesy of Tripp Fontane
Age: 29
Occupation: Poet & Educator
Hobbies/Interests: Reading and writing, shopping, and having conversation
Zodiac Sign: Cancer
Relationship Status: Single
What attracts him to a woman...
"On social media, it depends on the social network. On Twitter, it would be her thought process, that's really what I look for. Because I know most of it is used for vanity, I really need to see a little bit more than that. Out in public, I would probably say her air of confidence. How confident she is and if she walks with that and how she visibly carries it."
What keeps him interested...
"Her open-mindedness and her sense of humor. I think both are equal because when you have someone who is able to be objective and perspective, that gives you a lot of room to build and relate. And then sense of humor because, for me personally, humor is how I cope with trauma."
How he knows he's ready to commit...
"When the level of consideration I have for her starts to go up. And that's a natural process, I think, and not so much of a 'a-ha moment.' When I start thinking of different ways to include her in my plans, that's when it's a bit more serious. When I start thinking of just me less and us more."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"Open-mindedness, a sense of humor, and effective communication."
His version of the best Valentine's Day date...
"First of all, we both have the day off. I'm huge on cooking, so I would cook breakfast to start the day off right. Probably chicken and French toast. Then we would spend the early morning thrifting, hit a couple bookstores, and then take a break around lunch--just because I don't believe in spending the whole day with each other. I'd send her to go get her nails done and her feet done. Then link back up early evening, have a nice beverage at a hole in the wall and hit dinner at her favorite spot. For dessert, probably a local bakery then we'd end the night getting as physical as she would like."
Ritz Williams
Courtesy of Ritz Williams
Age: 32
Occupation: Licensed Barber & Stylist
Hobbies/Interests: Finding good soul food places, spoken word poetry, and go-karting
Zodiac Sign: Gemini
Relationship Status: "I'm single officially, but depending on who's asking that's how that goes."
What attracts him to a woman...
"If she's smiling or not. I think that the most attractive thing about a woman to me is her smile. I like people with good energy. And you can tell alot about someone based off whether they're smiling or they're frowning. Or even if they want to be approached."
"I think the most attractive thing about a woman to me is her smile."
What keeps him interested...
"It would probably be who she's around. What are her friends doing around her, how is she acting? If her friends are being wild and crazy, is she being wild and crazy? And if she is, is that something I want to get to know more about? Or is she the shy one in the group? It depends on who she's around--not that I judge--but I base it off of where I see someone fitting into my life."
How he knows he's ready to commit...
"The point where we get past exchanging phone numbers, I've already decided I'm going to pursue this person. I never really start at a casual place because I don't casually exchange my phone number with anybody. I don't casually invite people to my home, I don't casually go out on dates. I don't do anything casual, everything I do has intention. I don't date people just to have fun. And if I see someone that I like, then my intention is to get to know that person and put forth the effort. Now I've always been a one-woman, loyal person. So I'm not really into dating several people at once. So it's kind of easy for me, if I go out of my comfort zone to approach somebody, once things click and our energies match up--then I've already decided that I'm going to pursue this. And the moment she meets me at that level, that's when it's committed."
"I don't do anything casual, everything I do has intention. I don't date people just to have fun. And if I see someone that I like, then my intention is to get to know that person and put forth the effort."
His stance on courtship...
"I don't think it's dead, I think it's evolved though. It's evolved into having an open mind of what courtship means to someone else. Back in the day, courtship was: nice guy, or not-so-nice guy sees a girl, goes after her and does all these grand gestures. And he may or may not end up with her. But now it's like men and women both realize that their worth and their time is important. When it comes to courtship though, speaking for myself--I have no problem going after someone. But if I'm not met with the same energy or I feel like you don't see the same value in me as I see in you, then at that point I'm like, 'I don't want to do this.' But if you hold value in someone, then you should treat them like you do. That's a part of courtship for me, showing equal interests."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"Confidence, patience, and a sense of humor."
His idea of the best Valentine's Day date...
"It would definitely include go-karts, definitely include cheesecake, and I like soul food but my favorite food is lasagna. So a nice lasagna, a fine go-cart, laser tag or live music, followed by dessert at home and quality time with my girl would literally be perfect for me."
Norman Towns
Courtesy of Norman Towns
Age: 34
Occupation: Actor
Hobbies/Interests: Drawing and painting, playing basketball, and building house decor
Zodiac Sign: Capricorn
Relationship Status: Single
What attracts him to a woman...
"On social media, the only thing that would attract me would be what's on their stories. Their page is just something else but whatever they post on their stories, that gives you insight into who they are and what they like to do for fun. You can see more of their personality and how they move throughout the day. If I'm out, then it would be her eyes. I stare at someone's eyes, that tells me something."
What keeps him interested...
"Their interaction with me within our conversation. You can kind of tell within the dialogue if they're cool or even if y'all can be friends or have an in-depth conversation."
His stance on courtship...
"I don't think it's completely dead, but I think it's 80 years old and on its way out. We live in such a systemized world where it's so narcissistic, and people are really out for themselves. And as a result, a lot of people are doing things--not because they want to do it--but because they're trying to protect themselves from that hurt. We're so guarded. So I dont think it's all the way dead or even wrong. But the society that we live in and the accessibility that we have, we've lost that balance needed for courtship."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"I need a woman who has taken the time to love herself. A lot of times, men and women get into relationships to fill certain voids because we're not happy with who we are by ourselves.But if you don't love yourself, then it's almost impossible for you to love me. I also need someone that's a team player and who understands we're not competing with each other, we're completing each other. And lastly,she has to have a good spiritual foundation."
His idea of the best Valentine's Day date...
"I would go to a museum because it's fun to just talk and I wouldn't say we'll go to an expensive restaurant. But we'll go to a restaurant that she loves."
Andra Fuller
Courtesy of Andra Fuller
Age: "Grown"
Occupation: Entertainer, Actor, Producer, & Soon-To-Be Director
Hobbies/Interests: Traveling, football, & being active and outdoors
Zodiac Sign: "A lovely Gemini"
Relationship Status: "SINGLE single"
How he prefers to meet a woman...
"I'm definitely a more organic person. I would preferably like to meet someone in person. I also take into consideration the place in which you meet somebody, I factor in the environment as well. I wouldn't want to meet somebody at a club or at a certain type of event; but I would prefer to meet them out and about on a natural type of vibe."
What attracts him...
"Their perceived personality. You can't gauge somebody's personality if you never talk to them, but one thing that social media does allow you to do is get a pretty accurate representation of it. A pretty face and a nice body and a nice smile--all those things are good too. But what separates that pretty face from the next one?"
What keeps him interested...
"Our mutual-ness. I hate to be cliche but if the vibe is good, and we mesh well, and her interests seem to meet my interests--then that kind of gives you the green light to further pursue. Sometimes it doesn't always work but you know."
How he knows he's ready to commit...
"The tell-tale sign would be if you can see a future with that person. And you're willing to let things progress naturally to take things to the next level. Because let's be real, once you're past the age of 35, nobody's trying to play games. But that doesnt mean everything has to be so serious. And that's not just men or just women, that's universal across the board. If you let things progress organically then maybe you could start seeing some wife potential and some husband potential."
His stance on courtship...
"It's not dead and it shouldn't be dead. The unfortunate thing is, not a lot of men know how to court a woman. This generation just doesnt value it as much and a lot of people aren't up to par when it comes to courting in relationships."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"A sense of humor and fun because I'm a goofy person. Intelligence, I find that very sexy. And then she has to be loving. It's a good feeling to know that the person you're involved with has unconditional love for you and that's rare. I've experienced it before and it was beautiful."
Featured image via Andra Fuller
Writer. Empath. Escapist. Young, gifted, and Black. Shanelle Genai is a proud Southern girl in a serious relationship with celebrity interviews, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and long walks down Sephora aisles. Keep up with her on IG @shanellegenai.
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
Black Women, You Deserve More: How Over-Giving Is Holding You Back In Love & Life
As a Black woman who has been conditioned to over-extend, overgive, and carry the weight of everyone else, I am going to hold your hand when I say this: Putting yourself first is no longer an option, it's the only option, sis.
In a world that demands our self-sacrifice, expects us to bend until we break, and labels us “strong” so we never dare complain or grow weary as we lift others ahead of ourselves, the journey to living authentically and prioritizing our own needs can feel radical. We’re taught to prove our worth through resilience and endurance, but at what cost? Too often, that cost is losing ourselves in roles that don’t truly honor who we are or what we truly need. And that is far too expensive of a cost.
I know this for a fact because a lot of my healing journey has involved unlearning what I learned about love as a child and unpacking the rhetoric around what Black women are expected to be for everyone, even if it's a danger to ourselves. I realized I was tired not because of life or the people around me but because of the things I was passively choosing for myself by not choosing myself.
Living more authentically has meant unlearning the belief that love is earned through over-giving and people-pleasing. It has meant learning how to advocate for myself even in discomfort in order to advocate for my wants and needs instead of settling for less. More than anything, it has also meant learning how to prioritize myself out of self-love and doing so as a daily practice.
Authenticity is not just a buzzword making its rounds on social media. It's a necessity and is arguably one of the most powerful things you can do for self.
That's why this conversation with Samantha Saunders, Licensed Professional Counselor & Authentic Relationship Expert, is so important. The host behind the Moving Beyond You podcast knows firsthand what it means to lose yourself in the pursuit of being enough for others. "When I was in my first marriage, I was so focused on being the ‘perfect wife’ and avoiding the stigma of divorce that I completely lost myself," she shares. "I thought if I just worked harder, sacrificed more, and ignored the red flags—like my husband’s repeated affairs—I could make it work. But all I did was make myself smaller and smaller until I didn’t recognize who I was anymore."
Through her own journey of self-reclamation, Saunders has learned that authenticity isn’t just about being honest with the world, it’s about being honest with yourself. In this interview, she opens up about her path to living an authentic life, her insights into breaking unhealthy relational loops, and how embracing abundance can help you reclaim your narrative and live a life that truly speaks to you.
If you’re ready to shift from over-giving to choosing yourself by living authentically, keep reading.
The Power of Authenticity in Self-Prioritization
For many women, particularly Black women, putting yourself first presents a unique challenge. Between societal expectations and personal obligations, self-prioritization can not only feel uncomfortable but also selfish, a word we've been conditioned to fear. From an early age, we're taught to swallow and shrink ourselves as we shape-shift into whatever the moment calls for. But what happens when those roles consume us to the point that we no longer recognize ourselves, or even disappear?
Like so many of us, Saunders had a similar story. After over 30 years of living according to what society told her she should be, she had a realization: In her pursuit of checking off the "right" boxes (i.e. being married, having kids, staying strong), she had lost herself.
"I didn’t know who I was outside of what other people needed or expected from me," she tells xoNecole. "So when you ask how living authentically plays a role in putting yourself first, the truth is—you can’t fully know yourself without checking in on what you truly want, not just what others say you need."
Samantha Saunders, LPC & Authentic Relationship Expert
Courtesy
Saunders ended up reflecting on a question that would prove to change the trajectory of her life: "If nobody had a say in how I lived my life, not my family, not society, not even my own fears, what would I do?"
For her, the answer was clear. It led her to walk away from a marriage that no longer aligned with her truth and to begin living for herself. While every woman’s answer will be different depending on her season of life, Saunders emphasizes that the core takeaway remains the same: Living authentically requires self-prioritization.
"When you’re not true to yourself, it’s easy to fall into patterns of over-giving, people-pleasing, and settling for less," she explains. "But when you honor who you are and what you truly want, you create space for healthy, reciprocal connections. Relationships should add to your life, not drain it. They thrive when two whole, authentic people show up for each other, and that can only happen when you make yourself a priority."
The truth is, that choosing yourself is an essential part of living authentically. Choosing yourself is not just about bold moves and major life shifts, it's a daily practice. It’s about learning to check in with your needs, set boundaries that honor your well-being, or refuse to shrink yourself for the comfort of others, you are choosing authenticity. You are choosing you.
Signs You’re Stuck in an Unhealthy Relational Loop
Old relational patterns might be the hardest thing to unlearn, even as you start to prioritize yourself more. Though they are often rooted in scarcity, those relational patterns feel familiar and because they are familiar, they become almost like second nature, meaning that without even realizing it, you become stuck in an unhealthy relational loop, a cycle of self-abandonment masquerading as duty, connection, and of course love.
According to Saunders, these loops can show up in ways we don't even question because we view them as normal because they are familiar to us. "Unhealthy relational loops can look like this: You argue, there’s yelling, silent treatment, or someone says something hurtful, and then eventually you 'move on.' Maybe there’s an apology, maybe not, but the behavior doesn’t actually change. You feel like you’re stuck on repeat, and deep down, you know nothing is improving," she explains.
Another major sign? Over-giving or over-functioning in relationships. "Maybe you’re constantly doing things for others at the expense of your own well-being because you’re afraid of disappointing them or losing the relationship. A lot of times in unhealthy relationships we are over-functioning for the other person, whether that’s emotionally or trying to get them to change in some capacity. You might also notice you’re always seeking approval, doubting your decisions, or second-guessing your worth," Saunders expounds.
Other signs of unhealthy relational loops can include:
- Over-explaining or justifying your needs
- Feeling emotionally responsible for others
- Staying in cycles simply because they are familiar
"You are not obligated to keep living in a pattern. You don’t have to keep attracting the same dynamics of giving and just because it’s familiar," Saunders reminds us. "Familiar does not mean safe. Familiar does not mean yours. It just means you have been conditioned to accept it."
"Familiar does not mean safe. Familiar does not mean yours. It just means you have been conditioned to accept it."
Saunders reiterates that familiar patterns are often ones that stem from survival mode, a learned response from our past experiences that we had to earn love or fight to be chosen. But she makes it clear that in case no one told you, "you are no longer that version of yourself who had to fight for scraps. You are becoming a grown healed woman who is allowed to choose abundance, especially in your relationships."
But how do you break a cycle that already feels so ingrained in how you move through the world? Saunders offers a framework for recognizing and releasing these patterns:
How to Heal Unhealthy Relational Patterns: 5 Tips
1. Slow down and see the pattern:
"The moment you feel that familiar pull [of] over-explaining, fixing, shrinking... pause. What is your body telling you? What's the urge? And whose voice is in your head when you feel like you have to do it? Awareness is your first step out."
2. Separate reality from fear.
"A scarcity response is fear dressed up as wisdom. It whispers, 'If I don’t do this, I’ll lose them,' or 'If I say no, they’ll leave.' But is that true, or is it just a version of you that still believes she has to work for love?"
3. Interrupt the cycle with something new.
"When you catch yourself falling into an old pattern, ask yourself: 'What would a healed, abundant version of me do?' Maybe that means not texting first. Maybe that means allowing yourself to receive instead of proving your worth. Maybe that means choosing rest over performing. The shift starts with one different choice."
4. Regulate your nervous system.
"These patterns aren’t just in your mind, they live in your body. That anxious pull to do something? That’s your nervous system running old programming. Breathe. Move. Meditate. Teach your body that you are safe even when you don’t over-function."
5. Rewire your beliefs about love, connection, and worth.
"You have to start believing that you are inherently worthy of love and support not because of what you do, but because of who you are. Real love does not require your exhaustion."
From Scarcity to Abundance: How to Stop Over-Giving and Start Thriving
If learning how to break free from unhealthy relational loops teaches us anything, it’s that we are not obligated to stay in spaces that drain us just because they’re familiar. We don’t have to keep choosing relationships, habits, or beliefs that operate from a place of fear, over-giving, or self-sacrifice. But even when we recognize these cycles, it’s not always easy to stop identifying with them. Why? Because of scarcity.
Scarcity conditions us to believe that letting go of what is familiar means that we are losing. Scarcity makes us believe that if not this, what else is there? What if there is not another opportunity after this, another relationship, another chance? What if there isn't more?
According to Saunders, it's this mindset that keeps us from choosing abundance, from leading a life of authenticity, and ultimately from truly choosing ourselves.
"Scarcity is a mindset we inherit from experiences where we felt like there wasn’t ‘enough.’ Enough love, time, opportunities, or support. It keeps us stuck in fear, thinking we have to cling to what we have because something better might not come along. But the truth is, there are billions of opportunities, people, and chances in this world. Your only limit is what you allow yourself to believe."
So how do you actually make this shift? Saunders offers these key steps:
How to Shift from Scarcity to Abundance: 6 Tips
1. Reframe your beliefs.
"To shift into abundance, start by reframing your beliefs. Instead of thinking, 'This is my only chance,' remind yourself, 'There will always be more.' Whether it’s love, success, or community, abundance exists when you stop operating from fear. 'I have to earn love' or 'Opportunities are limited' must be replaced with 'I am already worthy' and 'What’s meant for me won’t require self-sacrifice.'"
2. Set boundaries that honor your worth.
"Scarcity makes us overextend ourselves because we think saying no means we’re losing something. But boundaries create space for what you truly deserve. Ask yourself, 'Does this add to my life, or does it drain me?' Then make decisions accordingly."
3. Let go of over-giving and practice receiving.
"Practicing receiving without guilt is key, allowing love, help, and rest without immediately feeling the need to reciprocate reinforces that you are deserving just because."
"To shift into abundance, start by reframing your beliefs. Instead of thinking, 'This is my only chance,' remind yourself, 'There will always be more.' Whether it’s love, success, or community, abundance exists when you stop operating from fear."
4. Stop settling and raise your standards.
"Setting and maintaining bare minimum standards in relationships, work, and personal care ensures that you no longer settle for less than what aligns with your worth. The real shift happens when you stop moving from desperation and start moving from trust, knowing that chasing or over-giving won’t bring you what’s truly meant for you."
5. Embrace the power of no.
"Embracing the power of saying no without guilt or fear creates space for what actually nourishes and supports you. When you fully believe in your own worth, you stop proving yourself and start choosing what aligns with the life you truly want.
6. Ground yourself in gratitude.
"Focus on gratitude. When you recognize what you already have, it reinforces the belief that more is possible. Gratitude helps you lean into abundance and lets you move through life with confidence instead of fear."
How to Start Putting Yourself First Today
So, how do you start putting yourself first? Well, it starts with small, intentional choices that reinforce your worth and shift you out of over-giving and self-neglect. In terms of practical tips, Saunders emphasizes prioritizing yourself starts with the little things, like recognizing where your energy is going and reclaiming it.
"Take a look at your schedule, your to-do list, or even your text messages. Identify one thing you’re saying yes to out of guilt, obligation, or fear of disappointing someone, and say no instead," she advises. Whether it’s declining a last-minute request, rescheduling something that doesn’t fit your energy, or stepping away from a draining conversation, setting these small boundaries is a powerful way to take back your time.
Just as important as your actions are the thoughts that shape them. "If you catch yourself thinking, ‘I have to overwork to be successful’ or ‘If I don’t do everything, I’ll lose people,’ pause and reframe it," she encourages. Instead, try replacing those thoughts with, 'Success flows when I take care of myself first' or 'I am worthy of love and support without over-functioning.' This simple mindset shift can completely change how you move through life.
And when it comes to boundaries, one of the most freeing things you can do is stop explaining yourself. "You don’t need to justify prioritizing yourself. A simple ‘I’m not available’ is enough," Saunders reminds us. "Watch how much lighter you feel when you stop giving people permission to validate your choices." Letting go of the need for permission or validation allows you to stand firmly in your decisions without guilt.
4 Ways to Put Yourself First Without Feeling Guilty
For Black women, self-prioritization is more than self-care, it’s self-preservation. This radical act of choosing ourselves is about reclaiming our time, our energy, and our wholeness. But just because we are learning that pouring endlessly into others leads to our own unraveling doesn’t mean there isn’t room to prioritize the people we love. It simply means we can no longer afford to do so at the cost of losing ourselves in the process.
"Balancing self-prioritization while nurturing healthy relationships starts with the understanding that putting yourself first doesn’t mean neglecting others—it means making sure you’re showing up fully, not resentfully," says Saunders. "This will include setting boundaries, communicating clearly, and ensuring that your relationships are built on mutual respect, not self-sacrifice."
The truth is, that healthy relationships don’t require self-abandonment. They don’t thrive on exhaustion or performance. They require both individuals to show up fully and authentically. And prioritizing yourself does not mean neglecting others. It means making sure you are included in the love and care you so freely give.
It means no longer depleting yourself in relationships just to be seen as worthy. "Many people, especially Black women, have been conditioned to believe that prioritizing themselves means neglecting others, but in reality, when you care for yourself first, you show up in relationships from a place of fullness, not depletion."
So how do you balance both? How do you nurture your relationships while making sure you don’t disappear in the process? Saunders shares the following key steps:
1. Get Clear on Your Non-Negotiables
"What do you need to feel like you? Whether it’s alone time, a morning routine, therapy, or simply not answering calls after a certain time, those things matter. When you make space for them, you show up in relationships from a place of wholeness, not depletion."
2. Set Boundaries & Communicate Them Early
"Healthy relationships thrive on clear expectations. If you need a night to yourself, say it. If a conversation is draining you, step away. Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re guidelines for how you can love and be loved without losing yourself in the process."
3. Check in With Yourself Regularly
"We check in on others all the time—How are you? But how often do you ask yourself that? Take a moment each week to pause and ask: Am I honoring my needs, or am I slipping into over-giving? Your well-being shouldn’t be an afterthought."
4. Release the Guilt
"You don’t have to prove your love by over-sacrificing. The people who genuinely care about you will respect your need for balance. Love should feel mutual, reciprocal, and energizing not something that drains the life out of you.
"At the end of the day, the healthier you are mentally, emotionally, [and] physically the healthier your relationships will be. You don’t have to choose between taking care of yourself and being there for others. You can do both. The key is making sure you don’t disappear in the process.
"So ask yourself: 'Am I showing up from a place of love, or from a place of obligation?' The answer will tell you everything you need to know," Saunders concludes.
For more of Saunders, cop her 7 Days to Reclaim Your Peace and Start Healingjournal here.
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