Let’s make one thing clear, we support Black women– period. Megan Thee Stallion has become the latest example of the mistreatment Black women often face when speaking up for themselves. Since July 2020, when reports first surfaced that Megan, born Megan Pete, was allegedly shot by singer/ rapper Tory Lanez, she has had to deal with the dual trauma of the initial shooting and the subsequent harassment by Lanez, his fans, powerful people in the music industry, and the overall effort to discredit her.
Gun violence is an issue that continues to disproportionately impact Black women. According to a 2022 study, “Black women are three times more likely to be fatally shot by an intimate partner compared to white women.” (Megan has denied having an intimate relationship with Lanez.) During a particularly fraught time in hip hop, when we’ve lost so many artists to gun violence, including the recent murder of rapper Takeoff, it’s difficult to witness the continued minimizing and victim blaming of Megan by her peers in the business.
xoNecole has compiled a timeline of the events that unfolded following Megan’s shooting, including members of the industry who have seemingly undermined her story.
Megan Thee Stallion and Tory Lanez: A Timeline of Events
July 12, 2020
Reports surfaced that Megan had been shot by an unreported assailant while with Lanez, born Daystar Peterson, his bodyguard, and Megan’s friend at the time Kelsey Nicole when leaving a party at Kylie Jenner’s house.
July 16, 2020
Tory Lanez
Tim Mosenfelder/Getty Images
Page Six exclusively reported that Lanez had officially been named as a potential suspect in the shooting. “Tory fired the shots from within the vehicle while Megan was outside trying to leave,” a source told the outlet. “There is video and the police are investigating. This is a case of a man physically harming and abusing a woman.”
It was also reported around this time that Megan unfollowed the singer on Instagram.
July 22, 2020
Megan gets on Twitter to clap back at reality star Draya Michele who went on a podcast and suggested that Lanez and Megan “had some sort of Bobby and Whitney love that drove them down this type of road" and joked that “I want you to like me so much you shoot me in the foot too."
“Dumb bitch that shit ain’t fucking funny who tf jokes about getting shot by a nigga,” Megan tweeted.
Michele would later apologize saying that her attempt at a joke fell flat and that "I truly don’t glorify domestic violence... I was trying to say just love me deeply."
July 23, 2020
Podcaster Adam22 reports that sources told him that Megan and Lanez were in a sexual relationship and that there was a flirtation between Jenner and Lanez at the party. Their interaction reportedly caused Megan to become jealous and start “violating his ass” and “really shitting on him.”
That same day, rapper Cam’ron received backlash on social media after posting a transphobic comment about Megan saying, "Tory Lanez saw that dick and started shootn..IDC what no one say."
July 28, 2020
Rapper 50 Cent issues an apology to Megan after posting a meme depicting the Grammy award-winner as the character Ricky from the film Boyz n the Hood as he’s being shot.
“👀Damn I didn’t think this shit was real,🤦♂️It sounded so crazy @theestallion i’m glad your [sic] feeling better and i hope you can accept my apology. I posted a meme that was floating around. I wouldn’t have done that if i knew you was really hurt sorry. 🤷🏽♂️," he wrote.
August 19, 2020
Megan posts a photo of her injured foot on Instagram in an attempt to quell rumors that she wasn’t shot.
August 21, 2020
Megan gets on IG Live and confirms that Lanez allegedly shot her. “Since y’all hoes so worried ’bout it, yes, this nigga Tory shot me,” she said. “You shot me. And you got your publicist and your people going to these blogs lying and shit. Stop lying. Why lie? I don’t understand. I tried to keep the situation off the internet, but you dragging it.
She continued, “You really fucking dragging it. Motherfuckers talking about I hit this nigga. I never hit you. Motherfuckers like, ‘Oh she mad ’cause he was trying to fuck with Kylie.’ No, I wasn’t. Like, you dry shot me. Like, everybody in the car – there’s only four motherfuckers in the car: me, you, my homegirl, and your security. I get out the car, I’m done arguing. I don’t wanna argue no more. I get out, I’m walking away. This nigga, from outside the back seat of the car, start shooting me. You shot me!”
She also addressed rumors that the injury to her foot was actually caused by broken glass. “I ain’t get cut by no glass, but let me tell you why they’re saying that: the people in the neighborhood –there’s a witness – when the police came because the neighbors called the police – this did not happen at Kylie’s house.” She continued, “This happened damn near back at the house I was staying at. I was just trying to get home. We were five minutes away from my spot. The police come and I’m scared.”
“All this shit going on with the police. The police are shooting motherfuckers for anything. The police was literally killing Black people for no motherfucking reason. Soon as the police tell us all ‘Get out the motherfucking car,' the police is really aggressive,” she explained. “You think I’m bout to tell the police that we – niggas, us Black people – got a gun in the car?! You want me to tell them that we got a gun in the car so they can shoot all of us up? Nigga, I’m scared.”
August 25, 2020
Houston legend Bun B comes out in support of his fellow hometown resident. “I know Tory, I know his manager. I know all of ‘em. Fuck all that, though. If the man on drugs, get him some goddamn rehab. If the man got mental health issues, get him some therapy,” he said.
“But you not just gon’ sit here and shoot this girl, and we not say nothin’. This shit not real. Nobody’s talking about it because it’s a Black woman… put your hands on Lady Gaga and see how quick they lock your ass up.”
September 9, 2020
TMZ reports that texts allegedly coming from Lanez show that the singer apologized to Megan while she was in the hospital. "I know u prolly never gone talk to me again, but I genuinely want u to know I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart,” read the texts. He also blamed his actions on being “too drunk.”
September 25, 2020
Lanez releases his album Daystar where he finally addresses the allegations that he shot Megan. In his song “Money Over Fallouts,” he raps lyrics like, “How the fuck you get shot in your foot, don’t hit no bones or tendons?” and “If you got shot from behind how can you identify me?”
September 29, 2020
Billboard reports that Lanez’s team posed as members of Megan’s team to plant stories that made Megan look less credible including fake text messages. Lanez’s team denies the claims.
October 3, 2020
Megan performs on Saturday Night Live as a musical guest and she stops mid-performance to share a message about supporting Black women. "We need to protect our Black women and love our Black women, 'cause at the end of the day, we need our Black women,” she preached.
October 8, 2020
Lanez was officially charged with one count of assault with a semiautomatic firearm and one count of carrying a loaded, concealed firearm in a vehicle.
October 13, 2020
Megan writes an op-ed for The New York Times titled “Why I Speak Up for Black Women.” The article states: “I was recently the victim of an act of violence by a man. After a party, I was shot twice as I walked away from him. We were not in a relationship. Truthfully, I was shocked that I ended up in that place.
My initial silence about what happened was out of fear for myself and my friends. Even as a victim, I have been met with skepticism and judgment. The way people have publicly questioned and debated whether I played a role in my own violent assault proves that my fears about discussing what happened were, unfortunately, warranted.”
October 20, 2020
Lanez gets on IG Live to discuss the aftermath of the shooting and says that he still considers Megan to be a friend even if she doesn’t but that “I know what happened, and what you’re saying, what the alleged things and the alleged accusations of my name is, are not true. It’s falsified information. It’s false information.”
Megan responded on Twitter saying: “This Nigga genuinely crazy.”
November 18, 2020
Lanez pleads not guilty to both charges.
November 20, 2020
Megan’s debut album Good News is released where she addresses the shooting in the intro song “Shots Fired” with lines like “Imagine niggas lyin' 'bout shootin' a real bitch (huh?) Just to save face for rapper niggas you chill with.”
November 26, 2020
Kelsey Nicole (L) and Megan Thee Stallion (R).
Screenshot from Megan Thee Stallion's "Realer" music video/ YouTube
The “Savage” artist’s former friend Kelsey Nicole, who was one of the passengers in the car the night of the shooting, released a diss track to Megan titled “Bussin Back” where she rapped “Never been a jealous friend and the people really know it/If you would'vе kept it silent then I would'vе been told it/ See I really thought I knew you, thought that you would keep it G/ If you wanna talk gangsta, bitch, I'm really from the street.”
The former besties fell out following the shooting.
December 9, 2020
Rapper Jack Harlow responds to criticism of keeping Lanez on the remix of his hit song “What’s Poppin’” during an interview with Power 106. "I don't think I'm God. I don't have no room to judge anybody,” he said. “I wasn't there when this and that happened, I don't know anything."
January 21, 2021
The Source falsely reported that Megan dropped the charges against Lanez. The Canadian-born rapper’s representative came out and disputed the claims. Megan took to Twitter and said “Y’all can’t tell when shit fake news?”
February 2, 2021
“Buss It” artist Erica Banks goes on IG Live with Lanez, a move many people think was an attempt to antagonize Megan since Banks is signed to the same record label that she’s currently going through legal battles with since March 2020.
June 21, 2021
Megan got into a Twitter feud with rapper and frequent collaborator DaBaby after he worked with Lanez on a new song. “Support me in private and publicly do something different…these industry men are very strange. This situation ain’t no damn “beef” and I really wish people would stop down playing it like it’s some internet shit for likes and retweets,” she tweeted.
July 20, 2021
Lanez mentioned Megan in his freestyle on Hot 97 “Megan people trying to frame me for a shooting/But them boys ain’t clean enough.”
July 25, 2021
Tory Lanez (L) and DaBaby (R) performing at Rolling Loud in Miami.
Jason Koerner/Getty Images
DaBaby brings out Lanez during his Rolling Loud performance, a move that was a violation of Megan’s protective order that required the “Jerry Sprunger” singer to stay 100 ft away from her. Lanez’s bail amount increased after the violation.
August 13, 2021
Prosecutors have filed a motion to hold Lanez in contempt for violating the restraining order that was issued in his ongoing criminal case.
December 15, 2021
A judge upholds Lanez’s charges after an LAPD officer testified that he shouted “Dance, bitch!” before allegedly shooting the “Pressurelicious” artist.
February 22, 2022
Megan posts screenshots of alleged text messages on social media from what appears to be Lanez apologizing to her after the shooting; a move that was in response to him seemingly subtweeting her by writing "u can't buy and tweet your way out of this one ..not today."
March 21, 2022
Popular hip-hop blogger DJ Akademics tweeted and deleted a claim that Lanez’s DNA was not found on the weapon in the case. Megan responded on her Instagram stories saying “court ain’t even started so why yall ready to start lying.”
April 4, 2022
Lanez is arrested for violating a protective order after tweeting about Megan back in February. He was released on a $350,000 bond.
April 24, 2022
Megan appeared on CBS This Morningspeaking with Gayle King about the shooting and the events following it.
April 26, 2022
50 Cent took to Instagram to cast doubt on Megan after she said that she wasn’t in a sexual relationship with the “Luv” singer. “Now that I don’t believe, she had to think about her answer. SMH all this shit is crazy,” 50 said.
June 15, 2022
In her Rolling Stone cover, Megan addresses the shooting saying that she wants Lanez to “go under the jail,” and that “I thought everyone in the car was my friend, [and] the whole time that’s not how they thought of me.”
August 24, 2022
Lanez's lawyer drops him as a client, citing “irreconcilable differences.” The lawyer had been defending Lanez against assault allegations made by Love and Hip-Hop: Miamicast member Prince.
October 31, 2022
A judge in Los Angeles ruled that Lanez had to be placed on house arrest until the trial after Lanez was found in violation of his parole due to allegedly assaulting August Alsina in September.
November 4, 2022
On his collab album Her Loss with 21 Savage, Drake raps in the song “Circo Loco,” “This bitch lie 'bout gettin shots but she still a stallion/ She don't even get the joke but she still smilin'” a line that many people think is in reference to Megan.
The H-town rapper responded to the lyric by tweeting, “I know I’m very popular but y’all gotta stop attaching weak ass conspiracy theories in bars to my name lol Niggas nor hoes EVER address me or @ me WITH a fact or receipts. I AM CLOUT BITCH keep sucking my pussy.”
November 5, 2022
Rapper Lil Yachty — who co-wrote “Circo Loco” — said on Instagram live that the line was not a reference to Megan, but to girls who get butt injections.
November 11, 2022
An open letter signed by representative Maxine Waters, Me Too founder Tarana Burke, host Marc Lamont Hill, and other community figures was released in support of Megan saying in part “You are believed, loved, and supported.”
The trial against Lanez for assault and weapons charges begins Monday, November 28, 2022.
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Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Relationships aren’t for people who merely want to be catered to (or is it coddled?) all of the time. Relationships are for those who want to be transformed — and that requires being challenged to become a better version of yourself. And yes, that means being willing to give exactly what you want to receive.
Keeping that in mind, what is something that research says will cause a relationship to be a thriving success? Well, before we get into all-a-dat, I’ll just say that I’m not even sure how many therapists/counselors/life coaches would remain in business if people really put what I’m about to say into genuine and consistent practice — I’m not exaggerating either. Because, when I read an article not too long ago about the one thing that science says creates happy unions (although, I personally think that healthy should always trump happy), it made all the sense in the world why “it” would be the answer — and why so many folks struggle to do it.
Because although the answer is simple, easy? Well, that’s another matter entirely. If you keep reading, I think you’ll get where I’m coming from when I say that, too.
The Key to a Happy Relationship Is…
GiphyOkay, so this past winter, Newsweek published an article entitled, “Science Reveals the Simple Secret Behind Happy Relationships.” Before I share, do you first want to take a stab at what the secret is? Well, according to a particular popular study, something that can either help you to remain satisfied if you are currently in a relationship or can make you especially attractive if you are currently looking for one is the art of knowing — more specifically, being intentional about understanding your partner and communicating in a way where you are clearly understood (in walks, the famous quote by author Stephen R. Covey via his bookThe 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: “First seek to understand, then to be understood.”).
My mind constantly has songs running through it (which I personally think is a good thing) and the one that immediately came to mind here is Xscape’s throwback “Understanding.” Sing it with me now: “What I need from you is understanding. How can we communicate, if you don’t hear what I say? What I need from you is understanding. So simple as 1, 2, 3. Understanding is what I need.”
And while, on the surface, this revelation might seem like the biggest “duh” to be shot around the world, the reality is that if understanding was so obvious, why aren’t more people actually being that way towards their partner? While it could be that some folks are either too emotionally immature or too selfish to be in a relationship, to begin with, I’d venture to say the far greater issue is a lot of people know what understanding looks like in theory but not fully and totally when it comes time to actually execute it.
So, allow me to take out a moment to explain six ways that understanding manifests itself in a relationship and then four ways that it…well, doesn’t.
Signs of an Understanding Partner
1. An Understanding Partner Is Empathetic
GiphyIf you are not just willing but as able as possible to put yourself into the shoes of another, this makes you a pretty empathetic individual. That’s because empathy is literally about trying to see things from another person’s perspective so that you can understand them — and what you may be going through with them — better. Empathetic people are good listeners (more on that in a sec). Empathetic people focus more on the present than the past or the future (which keeps them from nagging or worrying).
Empathetic people are good with their body language (no eye-rolling, finger-tapping, or shoulders crossed, which typically convey cynicism or detachment — check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”). Empathetic people think before they speak. Empathetic people seek clarity over passing blame. Yeah, can you just imagine how much happier and especially healthier relationships would be if folks simply strived to be more empathetic? Have mercy.
2. An Understanding Partner Is a Good Listener
GiphyThere is a married couple in my life who, when it comes to communication, I am absolutely floored that they have lasted as long as they have. The husband? He’s charming and extremely funny, oh, but he can’t be quiet long enough to let you complete a sentence to save his life. SMDH. Meanwhile, his wife? To this day, she is the best listener that I have ever known. So much, in fact, that sometimes, when I’m talking to her on the phone, she is so quiet that I think that the call has dropped. LOL. And yes, this clash in their communication styles has caused her to consider divorce court more than a few times. I get why, too.
Cutting people off, talking over them, telling folks what you interpreted from what they said over what was actually stated, gaslighting or making definitive statements over asking questions — all of these are signs of not only being a poor listener but being rude, arrogant, and dismissive as well.
Y’all, while once reading an article on what makes someone a good listener, I really liked that the author said that a good listener is sincere, open-minded, and they are curious — they want to be a “student” of the conversation and not a teacher (hell, some folks act like they are nothing but a self-appointed principal!). When it comes to your listening skills, can you say that you listen like this? Better yet, ask your partner (or friends if you are single) what they think…then LISTEN for their answer.
3. An Understanding Partner Is Considerate
GiphyOne of my clients? I’ve known him for about 20 years at this point, and he continues to hold the blue ribbon for being the politest person I know. Hmph. Ain’t it wild how we can be so hard on children for not displaying good manners, including basic things like saying “please” and “thank you,” when we can’t even do these things our damn selves? That said, a considerate person, yes, has great manners. They also care about not hurting other people’s feelings, will often put others’ needs before their own, are patient with people (bookmark that), and will take accountability for their actions; this includes apologizing when they are wrong.
This brings me to another married couple I know and how the husband tells me that his wife never apologizes. Ugh. The level of arrogance (and/or insecurity) that comes with not being able to humble oneself and admit when they are wrong? There is no way that I could even attempt to go the distance with the kind of person who rolls like that. Sadly, though, many do, and one study calls people who act like this “defiers.” It then went on to say that these types of individuals oftentimes cross boundaries, are apathetic, and tend to have a lower level of emotional intelligence than others do.
When I put my life coach cap on about this, I’d venture to say that a lot of people who suck at apologizing probably had parents who also sucked at modeling it to them. Either way, you can’t really love well if you’re not a considerate person (even the Bible says that love is not rude — I Corinthians 13:5 — AMPC), and a part of what comes with that is owning your mistakes, poor choices, and offenses. No wiggle room here.
4. An Understanding Partner Is Kind
GiphyOne day, I’m going to write a full article on the importance of wanting a kind man over a nice guy and why it’s also essential to be kind to that kind man as well. Like I say often, a nice person is agreeable while a kind person is benevolent — and yes, there is a big difference between the two. One of the reasons why I thought it was important to bring kindness into the chat as it relates to how to be a more understanding individual is because you don’t have to agree with everything your partner says, does, or even expects of you to be kind.
No, kindness is about being thoughtful in your approach. Kindness is about speaking in a way that you would want to be spoken to. Kindness is about being compassionate. Kindness is about finding ways to compromise so that both individuals can be happy.
Kindness shows humility. Kindness accepts that others are not like them — and that is okay. Kindness makes things easier instead of more difficult. In short, kind people like peace. And while that doesn’t mean that they are going to “lose their voice” in order to get it, at the same time, they are going to deliver everything that they do in a spirit of peacefulness…and that goes a really long way as far as any relationship is concerned.
5. An Understanding Partner Is Generous
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but when I’m in the relationship space on social media, mostly what I see and hear is pure and unadulterated selfishness. All folks are talking about is what someone should be doing for them (monetarily or otherwise), and being self-absorbed is a surefire way to sabotage a relationship (once again, even the Bible says that “love is not selfish” in certain translations of I Corinthians 13). So yeah, that being said, something else that an understanding partner does is show how much they care by being proactively generous.
A generous individual gives freely (meaning that they don’t just give to get; that is usually a form of manipulation); they also like to see what they can do to help those around them. However, some other cool things about generosity are it isn’t mean-spirited, it likes to motivate and inspire others (especially their partner), and it is quick to compliment, encourage, and also be grateful for what it receives. Know what else? Generosity knows how to be content. Most definitely, generous people live in a state of satisfaction because — get this — they plant so many seeds in so many ways that they trust in karma to take care of them…and typically…it does.
6. An Understanding Partner Is Forgiving
GiphyAnother type of person who should never get into a relationship: someone who doesn’t forgive. Forgiveness can be explained in a billion different ways and yet, at the end of the day, I think one of the easiest breakdowns is it’s granting someone the kind of mercy and grace that you know you need to receive. Whew, the hypocrisy of individuals who think that they should be pardoned for their offenses while holding forgiveness like a weapon over other folks’ heads? How delusional can they be?
Anyway, understanding people get that forgiveness is a key ingredient to a successful relationship. For everyone else, check out “Are You A 'Bad Forgiver'? Read This And See.” — if you see yourself in it, either apologize to your partner for being that way or pump the breaks on getting into a relationship until you can “refine that skill.” Because, if there’s one thing that you’re going to have to do, more than a lil’ bit, it’s forgive (and, if you’re really being real…you’re going to have to ask for forgiveness too).
Signs Your Partner Doesn't Understand You
1. A Misunderstanding Partner Is a Poor Communicator
GiphyWhile checking out an article on a lawyer’s website not too long ago, it stated that 70 percent of men said that nagging and complaining led to the ultimate breakdown in communication when it came to their marriage. And before anyone deflects or dismisses this, even the Good Book says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman.” (Proverbs 21:9 — AMPC)
The article then went on to say that 60 percent of men stated that a lack of appreciation also caused communication issues. Meanwhile, 80 percent of women shared that they felt a disconnect in the communication department whenever their thoughts and feelings weren’t validated, while 60 percent were simply sick of their partner talking too much about himself.
And y’all, if one person feels nitpicked to death and the other feels unheard, how can there be any type of effective communication going on — and without that, no real connection can be made/nurtured/maintained.
This one right here? From the first date with someone, pay very close attention to if they are displaying any of these signs and if you are as well. Because there really is no point in trying to build with a person if poor communication is evident straight out the gate.
2. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Unappreciative
GiphyAt the end of the day, appreciation is really all about gratitude — about displaying an attitude of thankfulness. And when it comes to being appreciative, I’ve always liked the quote by author Eckhart Tolle that says, “Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance;” the quote by author and professor Sonja Lyubomirsky that says, “Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation;” the quote by actor Doris Day that says, “Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty;” the quote by author John Ortberg that says, "Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation” and the Vietnamese Proverb, “When eating fruit, remember the one who planted the tree.”
What all of these things mean to me is when you look at what you already have and acknowledge how grateful you are for it, that keeps you in the present moment so that you are putting less pressure on your partner and your relationship. And y’all, even though sometimes pressure produces diamonds, as Chad from Insecure once said, “Pressure busts pipes” — and not always in a good way. Balance is key. Appreciation helps to keep things in balance.
3. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Disrespectful
GiphyY’all want to talk now or later about how Scripture instructs husbands to love their wife and wives to respect their husband (Ephesians 5:33)? Respect is about esteeming someone, and if you really want to take it to church, the Classic Amplified Version of I Peter 3:2 says that husbands should also be reverenced and that should look like this: “…[for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].”
Yeah, there really is no telling how much marital relationships would improve if more husbands decided to love from a “nourish and cherish” perspective (Ephesians 5:29), and more wives actually put respecting their husbands into daily rotation.
Anyway, in general, no one really understands how to love someone properly if they are disrespectful towards them: yelling in conversations and/or belittling in arguments; being dismissive of boundaries; acting flippant about their partner’s needs; making commitments and then not honoring them; being hypercritical; acting abusively (on any level including mentally and emotionally); not valuing their partner’s thoughts and opinions — oh, I could go on and on with this one. Truly, words cannot express how many people ruin their relationship, and it’s all due to how disrespectful they actually are.
4. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Impatient
GiphyLove. Is. Patient. It’s Scriptural, too (I Corinthians 13:4). Being patient is about not only knowing how to wait but how to wait well. In fact, as I’ve shared in other articles on the platform before, patience is defined as “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Hmph. It’s a sermon series, all on its own, how many people don’t love as much as they think they do (and definitely not as well) because they don’t know how to deal with trials that come in relationships — and trials WILL come.
Signs of being an impatient person: you get irritated easily; you have a short temper; you find yourself competing with other people; you think “wait” means “no” (or never); you make snap decisions; you constantly put feelings over actual facts; your tongue moves ahead of your brain; you stress yourself and others out; you rush, and you don’t know how to handle delays in a calm and mature manner. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? Okay, so why would you expect someone else to be fine with it? (Ouch.)
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The fun thing about writing articles like this one is, that although the study simply said that understanding is what’s required to have a great relationship, that means nothing if we don’t understand what understanding actually is.
Hopefully, now, you’ve got a bit more insight into it because, now that you see what comes with being an understanding individual, it should be more evident than ever why these kinds of couples are able to see the distance in their own relationship as they find themselves smiling and oh so very satisfied along the way. Salute.
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