Mashonda Tifrere is working overtime.
The Harlem native, who made a name for herself on the scene, had a lucrative career as an R&B artist spanning almost two decades with extensive appearances on songs by hip hop artists like Jay-Z, Cassidy, and the like. In 2009, her personal life was thrust in the spotlight after separating from her husband and having to pick up the pieces of a broken marriage.
Following the dark and tumultuous period in her life, Mashonda felt inspired to embark on a spiritual evolution that focused on self-empowerment and conscious parenting. She set her sights on something greater – herself. She made the decision to dig deep and explore self-love in order to refocus and eliminate unhealthy lifestyle habits.
“As I reflect on my healing, I realize that my peace was never lost. There were times when I pushed it to the side and instead opted to focus on my ego and all of the things that didn't serve my spirit well; but every time I found stillness, my peace would reappear.”
Today, the songwriter turned author has made it her mission to help others uncover and realize their own power and potential. She created Lifestyleher, a platform meant to act as a safe haven for female evolution and to empower millennial women to create bold and honest content by women for women.
THL recently sat down with the beautiful mother of one to discuss her metamorphosis. Follow along as we learn more about Mashonda’s millennial woman’s movement, latest book project, partnership with BeyGOOD + MORE.
THL: You have spoken about the importance of "empowering yourself within." What does that look like for a woman who has no clue on how to mentally and emotionally transform?
Mashonda: It looks like self-inflicted solitary confinement, taking all the time you need to be alone with yourself until you are comfortable there, investing in self-care, and knowing what it is that you want to give back to the universe. For me, helping others recognize their strengths always made me feel empowered.
[Tweet "Take all the time you need to be alone with yourself until you are comfortable there."]
THL: How have you found peace and healing through emotional trauma and life challenges?
Mashonda: As I reflect on my healing, I realize that my peace was never lost. There were times when I pushed it to the side and instead opted to focus on my ego and all of the things that didn't serve my spirit well; but every time I found stillness, my peace would appear, effortlessly. Most of the time it's just us fighting our own good, holding ourselves back, and being our worst enemy. Healing came with time and a lot of effort to want to heal. I write extensively about the art of healing in my upcoming book. In order for someone to truly heal, one must take apart all of the pieces of oneself and keep only the pieces that add to their human evolution. It's a technique and it takes courage and patience.
THL: What tools or resources have you adopted over the years to help transform your life holistically?
Mashonda:
- Meditation – At the very least, 5 to 10 minutes a day of meditation will help you align yourself to the energies around you.
- Pilates and core strengthening – A strong core will physically give you balance in any situation. Pilates trains you to breathe into specific areas of your body.
- Breathing – Learning how to breathe through pain or discomfort is very important. Conscious breathing can be a valuable tool in helping to restore balance, reduce anxiety and depression, and relax muscles.
- Aromatherapy and floral essences – Learning how to use oils to help you shift your mood and energy, this is a natural way to heal. Flower essences have played a huge role in my journey to self-care. Flower essences are herbal infusions, or decoctions, made from the flowering part of the plant, which uniquely address emotional and mental aspects of wellness. I've watched my life transform because of this energetic imprint of the life force of plants. I use Bach Essences and Doterra Oils.
THL: How would you advise women to demonstrate maturity, dignity, and forgiveness post-relationship trauma?
Mashonda: As women, we must recognize our powers. We are magical beings, supremely balanced with an amazing intuition. We must first forgive ourselves - only then will we have the ability to forgive others - and that's the beginning of demonstrating maturity and dignity. We feed our minds with this idea that others can hurt us, forgetting that we own that power to either control our emotions or let others control them. Post-relationship trauma is natural. It takes time to process these experiences. I've learned that pain is a seed for growth. It's never too late begin again.
[Tweet "As women, we must recognize our power. We are magical beings."]
THL: You are working on a new book project Blend: The Modern Day Family. Can you describe the steps you took to create a healthy, happy blended family dynamic?
Mashonda: The steps include time, patience, and understanding. Understanding that everyone has different views and values, being patient with yourself and the others involved, and doing all of this in the name of love - love for yourself and all the children involved. The name and direction of the book has recently changed. I realized that my story is broader than blending families. It's about healing and being the best version of yourself so that you can properly raise the soul you brought into the world.
THL: What advice would the mature, conscious Mashonda Tifrere tell the younger "Mashonda" 10 or 15 years ago?
Mashonda: Don't let your emotions get the best of you. Fear is an illusion. Live in the present moment. Trust your instinct, if it doesn't feel right, it is not right.
[Tweet "Fear is an illusion. Live in the present moment."]
Originally posted on The Holistic Lioness
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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