A couple of days ago, while reading an article on what science claims are the keys to a happy marriage, a few things, in particular, stood out to me—being best friends, designating housework, not fighting over text, having sex no less than once a week, and making time to celebrate one another's achievements.
As I stopped to think about the issues that come up most with the couples that I work with, not being the best of friends (if they're friends at all…you'd be surprised how many spouses aren't), not making sex a top priority in their relationship and not making the time to celebrate one another, top the list. Come to think of it, a lot of times, these three things actually overlap. (When's the last time you celebrated your partner? When's the last time your partner celebrated you?)
While I'd be the first to say that there are probably all kinds of books, blogs, and seminars that can help spouses to get back on track in these areas, the first thing that I would probably recommend? A sexcation!
I know some of you are probably thinking that I'm made that term up. Hmph, I wish. Actually, if you put the word into your favorite search engine, you'll see links pop up that explain what a sexcation is. And what exactly is it? It's a vacation that you take with your partner for the sole purpose of doing absolutely nothing but have sex (well, maybe eat and shower too but that's really about it). No sightseeing (except each other). No taking in a show (unless it's a private peep show). No buying souvenirs (unless it's lingerie, whipped cream or something else that will make your sexcation better). JUST. SEX.
The reason why a lot of sex experts and marriage counselors alike believe this is such a wise thing to do is because it's a great way to refuel the passion that may be currently lost or even just dormant in your relationship. Whether sex has gotten boring; the kids make it hard to have the spontaneous in-every-room-of-the-house kind of sex that you used to have; you haven't had time to really focus on cultivating intimacy; you haven't been feeling all that satisfied as of late or you've simply looked up and realized that you haven't had sex in a while (more than a month or two qualifies)—you are someone who could definitely use a sexcation.
And just how does one plan for something like this? For starters, since the entire point of taking this kind of vacation is so you can have sex, sex and even more sex, a long weekend is a good amount of time to be away. And while most of us can vouch for hotel sex being hot, even if it's at a place right up the street, it's best to choose a spot that takes the ambiance to a whole 'nother level.
Do I have any suggestions? Of course, I do! There's the historical setting of Gramercy Park Hotel in NYC; the rustic glamping feel of Calistoga Ranch in Napa Valley; the crisp clean layout of the 1 Hotel South Beach in Miami Beach; the oceanfront scenery of the Mauna Lani Bay Hotel & Bungalows in Kohala, Hawaii, or the very-erotic-super-sensual atmosphere of The Saint Hotel in New Orleans (all have fantastic reputations as far as sex is concerned!).
Ohhh…I meant a vacation vacation. Indeed, I did! It's crazy but I know folks who will put eight weeks into planning a dinner party at their house but won't put 10 minutes of thought into how to make their sex lives better. Something is really off about that, wouldn't you say? Especially when you think about the fact that sex is good for your health, the oxytocin that comes from doing it makes you feel closer to your partner, and physical and emotional intimacy are two proven keys to overall longevity. (Don't sleep. According to an AARP survey, well over 35 percent of people over 70 are still gettin' it in on a weekly basis!)
If you just read all of this, rolled your eyes, and thought, "I can think of 15 better things I can do with my time and my money," you are one of the main people who need to sign up for a sexcation—quick, fast, and in a hurry! I recently heard that the active a married couple's sex life is, the more stable their relationship is overall.
Not only that, but if I've said it once, I've said it a billion times over—if you want to see how healthy a marriage is, look into a couple's bedroom.
Whatever is going on (or isn't going on) in there sets the tone for the rest of the rooms of the house. At least 95 percent of the time. Plus, there's tons of data to support that regular travel strengthens relationships too.
So, what if you've got the will but you can't seem to make a financial way? A while back, I wrote about something called a sex jar; it's a cool way to save money (you can read more about it here). Some other travel expense hacks include:
- Some of the best flight fees that I don't hear mentioned a lot are on the site SkipLagged.
- All you're gonna need is underwear (if that), so save on baggage fees by only taking two carry-ons.
- If you use credit cards, see if they will transfer into points at the hotel where you plan on staying.
- If you go during the week instead of on a weekend, you could save as much as 40-50 percent.
- Don't forget to hop on sites like RetailMeNot and Coupons for promo code discounts.
- Ask the front desk if they have any special deals before booking your reservation.
- Room service is nice, but you can save even more money by stopping at a grocery store in the area.
Word on the street is couples who want to go the distance in their relationship should vacation together (without their kids) twice a year. This year, make one of those a sexcation. I have the hardest time believing that it's something you will return back home regretting. How could you? It's a time for nothing but some really hot sex. Have fun!
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Maintenance Sex Could Be The Key To A Successful Marriage - Read More
Married Couples: These 6 DIY Recipes Will Take Your Sex Life To The Next Level - Read More
- 8 "Kinds of Sex" All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Married Sex, Types Of Sex In Marriage - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Sexcation - Kindle edition by Heidi McLaughlin. Contemporary ... ›
- Better Sex Life | HuffPost ›
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- Sexcation Your Way To A Better Sex Life | HuffPost ›
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak