March is a turning point and is when massive changes begin to occur. This is the time of the year when there is an inner awakening for more, and the curiosity that blooms opens new doors. In the stars, March is the month that ushers in Eclipse Season, when two eclipses occur back-to-back, and the transformations that come with it are inevitable. However, you are the leader of your life and are the one who can guide and embrace these changes as they come. March is the month to turn a new page, gain clarity, and get inspired.
March 2024 Monthly Horoscopes: The Month Ahead
Pisces Season opens the month for us, and being in this water sign energy always brings more emotions to the surface than usual. With Saturn also being in Pisces right now, there is a balance needed between what we are flowing forward with and what needs to be taken more seriously and grounded in. Mercury enters Aries on March 9, directing our will, passions, and integrity to where our most powerful ideas are flowing right now. Mercury in Aries tends to speak before thinking, however, and communication should be handled with a little more tender love and care for the time being. Be careful with impulsion, and write down your ideas and insights as they come.
On March 10, there is a New Moon in Pisces, and this New Moon is beckoning us to move forward with our creative passions, interests, and spirituality. What have you been inspired to learn more about or dive deeper into? This New Moon is a good time to set your inventions for any creative projects and also for where you want to see the magic grow in your relationships and love life.
Venus enters Pisces the following day on Mar. 11, and this is bringing in some sweet, romantic, and dreamy energy into matters of the heart until Apr. 5.
Aries Season begins on Mar. 19 this year, and we enter a time of fire sign energy as we close out the month. Aries Season is when the changes and transformations begin to light up the sky, and when things get moving for the collective. Mars enters Pisces on Mar. 22, and Mars in this sign is motivated toward love, creativity, and closure. Mars in Pisces is healing energy and is a good time to let go of anything heavy that has been weighing you down. With the Sun in Aries and Mars in Pisces, this time is all about feeling things through, not letting change overwhelm you, and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
At the end of the month, we have the first eclipse of 2024. This eclipse will be a Penumbral Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Libra and will be on Mar. 25. This is the Worm Moon of the year and the time when powerful changes often take place. Remember, though, Eclipses tend to shake things up and make things unsettled for a bit before their permanence takes shape. Since this Full Moon is happening in Libra, the transformations now are typically ones to do with love, relationships, finances, and inner and outer harmony.
March is an awakening and opening to a new way of seeing the world, love, and the manifestations you want to occur.
Read for your sun and rising sign below.
1.ARIES
ARIESKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is your month to let go and rewrite your story, Aries. You are moving through culminations and new beginnings in March, and it’s best to go with the flow with the changes of the month. Emotions are high, and you are especially sensitive right now, so give yourself grace as you move through this time. Mercury enters your sign on Mar. 9, and this is helping you find the clarity and inspiration you have been looking for.
The New Moon on Mar. 10 is a chance to see the gifts of what has been let go from your life. You are processing your emotions this month and wiping away the pain of the past. Aries Season officially begins on Mar. 19, and you are ready to shine and create a new day. The end of the month is an enlightening time for you and once the eclipse occurs on Mar. 25, your heart is filled with gratitude for the love and new beginnings that are flowing in.
2.TAURUS
TAURUSKyra Jay for xoNecoleMarch is awakening your inner magic, Taurus. This is the time to stay open to the mysteries of life and to give yourself a second chance at a new beginning. It’s about looking at your life, where your happiness is, and where you want to continue to grow. Friendships and your community are playing a key role in your life this month, and the New Moon on Mar. 10 is when you are going to see some of your intentions here manifest for you.
Venus, your ruling planet and the planet of love, moves into your 11th house of friendships, hopes, and dreams on Mar. 11, and this is the energy that you need to be in right now. Your heart is feeling the magic that comes from opening up and believing in yourself this month. On Mar. 19, Aries Season begins, and the sun moves into the very bottom of your chart, a preparation phase before your season begins. As the month comes to a close, allow yourself a little more time to rest, get grounded, and enjoy where things are.
3.GEMINI
GEMINIKyra Jay for xoNecoleYour strength is needed this month as you overcome some mountains you have been climbing, Gemini. This is a month to turn the focus inward and to heal and regain your strength from there. Mercury, your ruling planet, moves into an area of your chart at the beginning of March that brings your dreams and inspirations into focus. You are thinking a lot about the future this month, and this energy is helping you move through the closures you are experiencing.
Once the Sun moves into Aries on Mar. 19, the energy is more favorable for you and you are no longer feeling stuck in your current circumstances. Obstacles move away, and you have more opportunities for happiness. The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse happening at the end of the month is happening in a fellow air sign, Libra, and is bringing some love and romantic energy into your life, and you are growing flowers from the weeds as March ends.
4.CANCER
CANCERKyra Jay for xoNecoleMarch is about getting grounded, moving forward, and taking the lessons along with the blessings, Cancer. This is a month of growth, and also a time when you are finding your inner peace and settling more into the present moment. You flow well with the energy of the month with Pisces Season here, and the Sun is in your 9th house of adventure. This is a good month to think big picture, connect with nature, and honor the magic and wisdom within you.
The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse happening at the end of the month is shaking things up for you when it comes to the home, family, and foundations, and will be bringing things here into focus. Emotionally, you may be feeling some highs and lows this month, and this eclipse is helping you find a safe space to renew. Before the month ends, Vesta enters your sign, and this energy reminds you to tend to your emotions and the sacred fire within you. In March, you are breaking free.
5.LEO
LEOKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is a month of honoring your free spirit, Leo. The pace is picking up for you in March, and there is a lot of happiness and opportunity surrounding you. You are feeling liberated in being your authentic self, and you are shining in the new spaces you are finding yourself in. The New Moon at the beginning of the month is awakening something within you emotionally, and you are moving through a rebirth in your life right now, one where you are seeing more of your inner power that has always been there.
Aries Season begins on Mar. 19, and the Sun moves into a fellow fire sign, further heightening the positive energy you are moving through this month. You are setting your intentions and seeing dreams coming true. Before the month ends, a Lunar Eclipse is happening in your 3rd house of communication, and you are allowing who you are to come to the surface as you express yourself. You are letting go of insecurities and allowing yourself to take up space this month.
6.VIRGO
VIRGOKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is a month of reflection, setting your intentions, and focusing on the bigger picture, Virgo. You are remaining patient with what is coming to light for you, and seeking inspiration and empowerment in the present moment. Most of the energy in March is happening in your 7th house of love and partnerships, and you are finding your balance between your needs and those you are close to. The New Moon on Mar. 10 is a good time to set your intentions for love and to expect a blessing here.
Venus and Mars both enter your house of love this month as well, and there is something to say about loving yourself just as much as you yearn for the love of others. March is reminding you where it all starts, and showing you the beauty within and around you. The Lunar Eclipse happening on Mar. 23 is a time of closure for you financially, and you are ending a journey here as you prepare for another, more lucrative one.
7.LIBRA
LIBRAKyra Jay for xoNecoleYou are one of the power players of the month, Libra, with a Lunar Eclipse happening in your sign at the end of March- the first one of the year. This is a month of moving from closures into a new door, and you are finding yourself in the middle of these transformations that are occurring. The Sun is in your 6th house of health, daily routine, and well-being for most of the month, and this is a good time to focus on what is going to be the healthiest path for you moving forward.
Aries Season begins on Mar. 19, and the Sun moves into your opposite sign. This energy brings in a time when the focus is more on your partnerships and the love you want to see grow here. On Mar. 25, there is a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in your sign, and you end the month walking through a big change in your life. You may need some time to process and regroup at the end of March as old dreams are fulfilled and new ones are fueling you forward.
8.SCORPIO
SCORPIOKyra Jay for xoNecoleMarch is bringing romance into your life, Scorpio, and is a time when you are leading yourself forward and letting go of the past. You are the creator of your world, and you are creating from the heart right now. With the Sun in your 5th house and a New Moon here on the 10th, this is a month to express yourself, get creative with life, and believe in a miracle in love. You deserve to receive the love and dedication you give, and it’s time to open up to allow it in.
Mars, your ruling planet, moves into your 5th house on Mar. 22 as well, fueling even more of your passion and intentions into being more confident and expressing who you are to the world. This is the month to get out of your shell and shine your light. The eclipse happening at the end of March is a big time of closure for you as you let go of what hasn’t been working out, heal, and breathe a little easier in the process.
9.SAGITTARIUS
SAGITTARIUSKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is a month of adventure, empowerment, and divine purpose, Sagittarius. You are feeling inspired by the new doors that are opening for you now, and you are walking into them diligently. With Mercury moving into a fellow fire sign at the beginning of the month, you are moving into March feeling inspired, loved, and full of hope. This is an exciting time for you, and one where adventure is calling.
On Mar. 25, a Lunar Eclipse is occurring in your 11th house of friendship, community, and manifestation, and you are coming full circle with matters here. You are seeing some changes in who you surround yourself with at the end of the month, but you are also opening up to more of what is possible for you here. Pallas goes retrograde in your sign on the 29th, and this energy is reminding you to trust your inner wisdom and to think things through thoroughly this month.
10.CAPRICORN
CAPRICORNKyra Jay for xoNecoleMarch is about making yourself proud, Capricorn. You are focused on the dreams you want to be fulfilled and the responsibilities you need to tend to, and your priorities are intact. The Sun is in your 3rd house of communication for most of the month, and this is a time filled with clarity, perspective, and hope. You are ready to take action on the things you have been pondering over, and you are in a good headspace to do so right now.
On Mar. 19, the energy moves from the mind and into the home, and the second half of March is more about tending to your needs at home, taking care of your emotional world, connecting with family or loved ones, and building your foundations. On Mar. 25, a Lunar Eclipse is occurring in your house of career and reputation, and you are seeing old projects come full circle, and congratulations are in order. The end of March is shaping things for you moving forward and setting the tone for the changes that will be happening within your career and professional ventures this year.
11.AQUARIUS
AQUARIUSKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is about acceptance and letting go, Aquarius. The year has just begun, but you have already been moving through more changes and opportunities at clarity than most, and March is no different. With the energy in a financial area of your chart this month, this is a good time to plan for the future financially, to let go of any unhealthy habits here, and to surrender to the good.
The New Moon on Mar. 10 is one of the best times of the year for you to set your intentions for abundance, and this month is about focusing on the fact that you are worthy of the things you seek in life. The Lunar Eclipse on Mar. 25 is happening in a fellow air sign, and you are feeling enlightened and hopeful as the month ends. This eclipse is closing a door of stagnation in your life and opening a new one of excitement and adventure. You’ll find that the gifts of your life come from acceptance this month.
12.PISCES
PISCESKyra Jay for xoNecoleYour season is here, and it’s your time to shine and thrive, beautiful. With Pisces Season underway and the Sun in your 1st house of self, you are moving through March feeling empowered, loved, and divinely guided. A lot of the astrological transits of the month are happening in your sign, so emotions are also running high right now. The New Moon in Pisces on Mar. 10 is a time to set intentions for your future and to go where you feel guided towards.
Venus, the planet of love, enters your sign on Mar. 11, and relationship matters move through a time of healing this month. Love is flowing toward you, and you are feeling a positive transformation from it. Pisces Season ends on Mar. 19, but Mars enters your sign on Mar. 22, and you are still feeling motivated by your personal goals and dreams. This is a month to trust yourself and where things are moving and to be confident in the life you are leading right now. You deserve love and respect, and it’s coming your way right now, Pisces.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
RELATED
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
Relationships aren’t for people who merely want to be catered to (or is it coddled?) all of the time. Relationships are for those who want to be transformed — and that requires being challenged to become a better version of yourself. And yes, that means being willing to give exactly what you want to receive.
Keeping that in mind, what is something that research says will cause a relationship to be a thriving success? Well, before we get into all-a-dat, I’ll just say that I’m not even sure how many therapists/counselors/life coaches would remain in business if people really put what I’m about to say into genuine and consistent practice — I’m not exaggerating either. Because, when I read an article not too long ago about the one thing that science says creates happy unions (although, I personally think that healthy should always trump happy), it made all the sense in the world why “it” would be the answer — and why so many folks struggle to do it.
Because although the answer is simple, easy? Well, that’s another matter entirely. If you keep reading, I think you’ll get where I’m coming from when I say that, too.
The Key to a Happy Relationship Is…
GiphyOkay, so this past winter, Newsweek published an article entitled, “Science Reveals the Simple Secret Behind Happy Relationships.” Before I share, do you first want to take a stab at what the secret is? Well, according to a particular popular study, something that can either help you to remain satisfied if you are currently in a relationship or can make you especially attractive if you are currently looking for one is the art of knowing — more specifically, being intentional about understanding your partner and communicating in a way where you are clearly understood (in walks, the famous quote by author Stephen R. Covey via his bookThe 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: “First seek to understand, then to be understood.”).
My mind constantly has songs running through it (which I personally think is a good thing) and the one that immediately came to mind here is Xscape’s throwback “Understanding.” Sing it with me now: “What I need from you is understanding. How can we communicate, if you don’t hear what I say? What I need from you is understanding. So simple as 1, 2, 3. Understanding is what I need.”
And while, on the surface, this revelation might seem like the biggest “duh” to be shot around the world, the reality is that if understanding was so obvious, why aren’t more people actually being that way towards their partner? While it could be that some folks are either too emotionally immature or too selfish to be in a relationship, to begin with, I’d venture to say the far greater issue is a lot of people know what understanding looks like in theory but not fully and totally when it comes time to actually execute it.
So, allow me to take out a moment to explain six ways that understanding manifests itself in a relationship and then four ways that it…well, doesn’t.
Signs of an Understanding Partner
1. An Understanding Partner Is Empathetic
GiphyIf you are not just willing but as able as possible to put yourself into the shoes of another, this makes you a pretty empathetic individual. That’s because empathy is literally about trying to see things from another person’s perspective so that you can understand them — and what you may be going through with them — better. Empathetic people are good listeners (more on that in a sec). Empathetic people focus more on the present than the past or the future (which keeps them from nagging or worrying).
Empathetic people are good with their body language (no eye-rolling, finger-tapping, or shoulders crossed, which typically convey cynicism or detachment — check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”). Empathetic people think before they speak. Empathetic people seek clarity over passing blame. Yeah, can you just imagine how much happier and especially healthier relationships would be if folks simply strived to be more empathetic? Have mercy.
2. An Understanding Partner Is a Good Listener
GiphyThere is a married couple in my life who, when it comes to communication, I am absolutely floored that they have lasted as long as they have. The husband? He’s charming and extremely funny, oh, but he can’t be quiet long enough to let you complete a sentence to save his life. SMDH. Meanwhile, his wife? To this day, she is the best listener that I have ever known. So much, in fact, that sometimes, when I’m talking to her on the phone, she is so quiet that I think that the call has dropped. LOL. And yes, this clash in their communication styles has caused her to consider divorce court more than a few times. I get why, too.
Cutting people off, talking over them, telling folks what you interpreted from what they said over what was actually stated, gaslighting or making definitive statements over asking questions — all of these are signs of not only being a poor listener but being rude, arrogant, and dismissive as well.
Y’all, while once reading an article on what makes someone a good listener, I really liked that the author said that a good listener is sincere, open-minded, and they are curious — they want to be a “student” of the conversation and not a teacher (hell, some folks act like they are nothing but a self-appointed principal!). When it comes to your listening skills, can you say that you listen like this? Better yet, ask your partner (or friends if you are single) what they think…then LISTEN for their answer.
3. An Understanding Partner Is Considerate
GiphyOne of my clients? I’ve known him for about 20 years at this point, and he continues to hold the blue ribbon for being the politest person I know. Hmph. Ain’t it wild how we can be so hard on children for not displaying good manners, including basic things like saying “please” and “thank you,” when we can’t even do these things our damn selves? That said, a considerate person, yes, has great manners. They also care about not hurting other people’s feelings, will often put others’ needs before their own, are patient with people (bookmark that), and will take accountability for their actions; this includes apologizing when they are wrong.
This brings me to another married couple I know and how the husband tells me that his wife never apologizes. Ugh. The level of arrogance (and/or insecurity) that comes with not being able to humble oneself and admit when they are wrong? There is no way that I could even attempt to go the distance with the kind of person who rolls like that. Sadly, though, many do, and one study calls people who act like this “defiers.” It then went on to say that these types of individuals oftentimes cross boundaries, are apathetic, and tend to have a lower level of emotional intelligence than others do.
When I put my life coach cap on about this, I’d venture to say that a lot of people who suck at apologizing probably had parents who also sucked at modeling it to them. Either way, you can’t really love well if you’re not a considerate person (even the Bible says that love is not rude — I Corinthians 13:5 — AMPC), and a part of what comes with that is owning your mistakes, poor choices, and offenses. No wiggle room here.
4. An Understanding Partner Is Kind
GiphyOne day, I’m going to write a full article on the importance of wanting a kind man over a nice guy and why it’s also essential to be kind to that kind man as well. Like I say often, a nice person is agreeable while a kind person is benevolent — and yes, there is a big difference between the two. One of the reasons why I thought it was important to bring kindness into the chat as it relates to how to be a more understanding individual is because you don’t have to agree with everything your partner says, does, or even expects of you to be kind.
No, kindness is about being thoughtful in your approach. Kindness is about speaking in a way that you would want to be spoken to. Kindness is about being compassionate. Kindness is about finding ways to compromise so that both individuals can be happy.
Kindness shows humility. Kindness accepts that others are not like them — and that is okay. Kindness makes things easier instead of more difficult. In short, kind people like peace. And while that doesn’t mean that they are going to “lose their voice” in order to get it, at the same time, they are going to deliver everything that they do in a spirit of peacefulness…and that goes a really long way as far as any relationship is concerned.
5. An Understanding Partner Is Generous
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but when I’m in the relationship space on social media, mostly what I see and hear is pure and unadulterated selfishness. All folks are talking about is what someone should be doing for them (monetarily or otherwise), and being self-absorbed is a surefire way to sabotage a relationship (once again, even the Bible says that “love is not selfish” in certain translations of I Corinthians 13). So yeah, that being said, something else that an understanding partner does is show how much they care by being proactively generous.
A generous individual gives freely (meaning that they don’t just give to get; that is usually a form of manipulation); they also like to see what they can do to help those around them. However, some other cool things about generosity are it isn’t mean-spirited, it likes to motivate and inspire others (especially their partner), and it is quick to compliment, encourage, and also be grateful for what it receives. Know what else? Generosity knows how to be content. Most definitely, generous people live in a state of satisfaction because — get this — they plant so many seeds in so many ways that they trust in karma to take care of them…and typically…it does.
6. An Understanding Partner Is Forgiving
GiphyAnother type of person who should never get into a relationship: someone who doesn’t forgive. Forgiveness can be explained in a billion different ways and yet, at the end of the day, I think one of the easiest breakdowns is it’s granting someone the kind of mercy and grace that you know you need to receive. Whew, the hypocrisy of individuals who think that they should be pardoned for their offenses while holding forgiveness like a weapon over other folks’ heads? How delusional can they be?
Anyway, understanding people get that forgiveness is a key ingredient to a successful relationship. For everyone else, check out “Are You A 'Bad Forgiver'? Read This And See.” — if you see yourself in it, either apologize to your partner for being that way or pump the breaks on getting into a relationship until you can “refine that skill.” Because, if there’s one thing that you’re going to have to do, more than a lil’ bit, it’s forgive (and, if you’re really being real…you’re going to have to ask for forgiveness too).
Signs Your Partner Doesn't Understand You
1. A Misunderstanding Partner Is a Poor Communicator
GiphyWhile checking out an article on a lawyer’s website not too long ago, it stated that 70 percent of men said that nagging and complaining led to the ultimate breakdown in communication when it came to their marriage. And before anyone deflects or dismisses this, even the Good Book says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman.” (Proverbs 21:9 — AMPC)
The article then went on to say that 60 percent of men stated that a lack of appreciation also caused communication issues. Meanwhile, 80 percent of women shared that they felt a disconnect in the communication department whenever their thoughts and feelings weren’t validated, while 60 percent were simply sick of their partner talking too much about himself.
And y’all, if one person feels nitpicked to death and the other feels unheard, how can there be any type of effective communication going on — and without that, no real connection can be made/nurtured/maintained.
This one right here? From the first date with someone, pay very close attention to if they are displaying any of these signs and if you are as well. Because there really is no point in trying to build with a person if poor communication is evident straight out the gate.
2. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Unappreciative
GiphyAt the end of the day, appreciation is really all about gratitude — about displaying an attitude of thankfulness. And when it comes to being appreciative, I’ve always liked the quote by author Eckhart Tolle that says, “Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance;” the quote by author and professor Sonja Lyubomirsky that says, “Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation;” the quote by actor Doris Day that says, “Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty;” the quote by author John Ortberg that says, "Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation” and the Vietnamese Proverb, “When eating fruit, remember the one who planted the tree.”
What all of these things mean to me is when you look at what you already have and acknowledge how grateful you are for it, that keeps you in the present moment so that you are putting less pressure on your partner and your relationship. And y’all, even though sometimes pressure produces diamonds, as Chad from Insecure once said, “Pressure busts pipes” — and not always in a good way. Balance is key. Appreciation helps to keep things in balance.
3. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Disrespectful
GiphyY’all want to talk now or later about how Scripture instructs husbands to love their wife and wives to respect their husband (Ephesians 5:33)? Respect is about esteeming someone, and if you really want to take it to church, the Classic Amplified Version of I Peter 3:2 says that husbands should also be reverenced and that should look like this: “…[for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].”
Yeah, there really is no telling how much marital relationships would improve if more husbands decided to love from a “nourish and cherish” perspective (Ephesians 5:29), and more wives actually put respecting their husbands into daily rotation.
Anyway, in general, no one really understands how to love someone properly if they are disrespectful towards them: yelling in conversations and/or belittling in arguments; being dismissive of boundaries; acting flippant about their partner’s needs; making commitments and then not honoring them; being hypercritical; acting abusively (on any level including mentally and emotionally); not valuing their partner’s thoughts and opinions — oh, I could go on and on with this one. Truly, words cannot express how many people ruin their relationship, and it’s all due to how disrespectful they actually are.
4. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Impatient
GiphyLove. Is. Patient. It’s Scriptural, too (I Corinthians 13:4). Being patient is about not only knowing how to wait but how to wait well. In fact, as I’ve shared in other articles on the platform before, patience is defined as “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Hmph. It’s a sermon series, all on its own, how many people don’t love as much as they think they do (and definitely not as well) because they don’t know how to deal with trials that come in relationships — and trials WILL come.
Signs of being an impatient person: you get irritated easily; you have a short temper; you find yourself competing with other people; you think “wait” means “no” (or never); you make snap decisions; you constantly put feelings over actual facts; your tongue moves ahead of your brain; you stress yourself and others out; you rush, and you don’t know how to handle delays in a calm and mature manner. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? Okay, so why would you expect someone else to be fine with it? (Ouch.)
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The fun thing about writing articles like this one is, that although the study simply said that understanding is what’s required to have a great relationship, that means nothing if we don’t understand what understanding actually is.
Hopefully, now, you’ve got a bit more insight into it because, now that you see what comes with being an understanding individual, it should be more evident than ever why these kinds of couples are able to see the distance in their own relationship as they find themselves smiling and oh so very satisfied along the way. Salute.
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