March begins with us at the tail end of Mercury retrograde which is ending just in time for the spring. Venus is bringing in the blessings this month as she returns home to Taurus on the 4th. The Full Moon in Virgo on the 9th helps us let go of the crap that is holding us back from actualizing our greatest potential.
The astrological new year kicks off when the Sun enters Aries on March 19 restoring us with more vitality, longer days, and warmer weather. Saturn finally shifts gears this month after spending the past couple of years in Capricorn. Towards the end of the month, the New Moon lifts our spirits and Mars inspires us to work towards a better tomorrow.
Check out what's in store for your zodiac sign this month:
Aries
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The month begins with Mercury dipping back into Aquarius giving you the opportunity to reconnect with your friends and social allies. During this time, you'll become even more clear about who will play a key role in helping you achieve your big hopes and dreams. On the same day, Venus moves into Taurus blessing your finances and self-esteem over the next few weeks. Just be mindful of overspending at Ulta Beauty or your favorite boutique. On the 9th, the Full Moon in Virgo encourages you to cut Netflix off and get your lazy ass in the gym. You're encouraged to release some bad habits to prioritize a healthier lifestyle. Messy Mercury finally goes direct on the same day moving back into Pisces. Dejavu, much? Give yourself a couple more weeks to recalibrate from the retrograde weirdness.
Your birthday season officially begins on the 19th and all eyes are on you, making it a perfect time to reveal your new and improved appearance. On the 21st, Saturn finally leaves his home sign of Capricorn to begin his transit through progressive Aquarius. During this transit, you're encouraged to get innovative when it comes to the vision and the impact you want to make on your community. The New Moon on the 24th invites you to set the intention for something you'd like to manifest by the Harvest Full Moon later this fall. March comes to a close with energetic Mars moving into Aquarius amping up the genius content for your social media while also reminding you of the power in numbers. There's no need to do it all alone, Aries. Remember—teamwork makes the dream work.
Taurus
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The beginning of the month gives you a chance to review your strategy when it comes to climbing up the ranks in your career. An important conversation with your supervisor or an influential person can provide you with key information for achieving your goals. On the 4th, your ruling planet, Venus, moves into your sign making you a magnet for money and love. You've got the Midas touch so make the most of these next few weeks. The Full Moon on the 9th is the perfect time to reveal that project or that cute little baby bump you're growing. On the same day, Mercury goes direct and moves into Pisces on the 16th, reviving your mission to make the world a better, and more beautiful, place.
Your world gets a little more private when the Sun moves into Aries on the 19th. Over the next month, prioritize rest and moments of solitude to reflect on your past year. Make an attempt to tie up any loose ends before your birthday season. On the 21st, Saturn moves into Aquarius requiring you to put in a little more effort than usual when it comes to your career advancement. Try to stay 10 steps ahead of the game to rise above the competition. The New Moon on the 24th initiates you into the next phase of your spiritual evolution, reminding you just how powerful your divinity is. On the 30th, Mars moves into Aquarius and gives you extra motivation to expand your professional network, making this a perfect time to create that LinkedIn account.
Gemini
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March kicks off with a quarter moon in your sign on the 2nd, making this your most productive week of the month. On the 4th, your ruling planet dips back into Aquarius, giving you the chance to brush up on your knowledge of a topic of interest. This is also a favorable time to work out any issues with immigration or international affairs. Venus, planet of love and money, moves into Taurus on the same day giving you extra support from the non-physical world. Ask and ye shall receive. On the 9th, a Full Moon in Virgo could bring family matters to a head. Avoid being overly critical of your loved ones (and try not to take it personally if someone is sharing their unsolicited advice). Channel your attention to detail to organizing and cleaning your home instead. On the same day, Mercury goes direct and moves back into Pisces on the 16th and an important conversation at work could give you a promising glimpse into your rise up the career ladder.
The Sun moves into Aries on the 19th making you the center of attention amongst your friends and also inspiring you to reconnect with the bigger vision of your life. This transit encourages you to be a leader in a world full of followers. On the 21st, Saturn leaves behind a grueling two-and-a-half year transit in Capricorn and moves into Aquarius inviting you to expand your knowledge and spiritual awareness. Going back to school, enrolling in a course, or even connecting with a mentor can do wonders for your growth over the next couple of years. The New Moon on the 24th motivates you to take a stand for a cause that is near to your heart. Focus on defining what your mission is to align with your purpose and your soul tribe. The month comes to a close with Mars moving into Aquarius reminding you that there's little truth to everyone's beliefs. Seek to find common ground instead of discrediting other people's experiences.
Cancer
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The first half of the month brings your attention to your inner world and your closest relationships with Mercury going retro in Aquarius. This is a good time to revisit any conversations about shared assets and income. If you've been avoiding Sallie Mae, this may be a good time to arrange a plan to start paying off those student loans. On the same day, Venus moves into Taurus and you're feeling the love from your tribe and maybe even some romance from a secret admirer who wants to be more than friends. The Full Moon on the 9th encourages you to share those beautiful thoughts of yours with the world. Maybe it's time to finally go live on IG or launch that blog. Mercury goes direct on the same day and moves back into Pisces on the 16th. You've got a lot of wisdom to share and some wide-eyed followers that are pining for you to drop some gems.
On the 19th, the Sun moves into Aries, lighting the fire beneath your ass to make some major moves on the career front. As a cardinal sign, you're a natural born leader (even though that may not be the most comfortable role for you). With that being said, taking a leadership development class could win you some brownie points on the job. After spending the past couple of years in Capricorn, Saturn finally enters Aquarius on the 21st, giving you the chance to transform and heal from some karma that's affected your ability to connect with others more intimately. The New Moon on the 24th could land you a new job or promotion that you rightfully deserve. Just get ready for the extra responsibility that comes with this new role. The month ends on a high note with Mars moving into Aquarius helping you understand the bigger picture when it comes to some of your most painful experiences.
Leo
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March kicks off with Mercury dipping back into Aquarius on the 4th giving you the chance to revisit some important plans you and a significant other are making. Renegotiating existing contracts is also favorable during this time. On the same day, Venus moves into Taurus, helping you receive the praise you love so much from your supervisor or someone you look up to professionally. The Full Moon on the 9th helps you push past a mental hang-up that's been wreaking havoc on your self-esteem and possibly your finances as well. Mercury finally goes direct on the same day, moving back into Pisces on the 16th, inviting you to delve deeper into your connections.
It's time to let those guards down to receive the love and healing you deserve.
The Sun enters your sister sign Aries on the 19th, motivating you to expand your awareness. Take a pilgrimage to a place, check out a seminar, or go back to school to enhance your wisdom. You may even consider teaching others about a topic of expertise. On the 21st, Saturn begins its transit through Aquarius giving you a chance to clear up some relationship karma. *cues Erykah Badu's "Next Lifetime"* The New Moon on the 24th inspires you to pave your own lane when it comes to your spiritual evolution. Recognize the guru within you. Towards the end of the month, you're feeling motivated to secure a more solid relationship or business partnership with someone that shares your vision.
Virgo
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The beginning of the month draws your attention towards your physical and mental wellness. It's time to revamp your daily routine so it's more supportive of your health. On the same day, Venus moves into Taurus, bringing you fortune and blessings in the form of a much-needed vacation. You could also receive opportunities to share your expertise on a bigger platform. On the 9th, the Full Moon in your sign encourages you to show the world what you've got. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct on the same day then moves into Pisces on the 16th, giving you the chance to renegotiate the terms of a contract or to heal a significant relationship.
On the 19th, the Sun moves into Aries helping you feel empowered and ready to overcome any psychological obstacles that stand in the way of your success. This is also a good time to resolve your fears of stepping into a role of leadership. After spending the past couple years in Capricorn, Saturn finally shifts into Aquarius on the 21st, helping you get more innovative in your approach to your physical wellness. Over the next couple of years, you may be challenged to release some bad habits that aren't supportive of your health, wealth, or happiness. On the 24th, the lively New Moon could align you with some much-needed financial support, making this the perfect time to apply for that business loan. The month comes to a close with Mars moving into Aquarius, motivating you to devote more energy to acts of service and making the world a better place.
Libra
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March begins with Mercury dipping back into Aquarius, inviting you to reconnect with a creative project or hobby. Your ruling planet, Venus, moves into Taurus on the same day, helping you attract financial support from people that value your expertise and drive. When it comes to romance, you'll be spending plenty of time indulging in the sensual pleasures of life. The Full Moon on the 9th helps you resolve the battle with your own inner critic. Pay close attention to your dreams for signs and synchronicities around this time. On the same day, Mercury goes direct then moves into Pisces on the 16th, making this a good time to schedule your annual health screening.
On the 19th, the Sun moves into Aries making your relationships the top priority over the next month. This is a promising time to establish a more solid commitment or to business partnership. Saturn, Lord of Karma, moves into Aquarius on the 21st, helping you clear out some creative and romantic blockages. On the 24th, the New Moon lands you an opportunity to connect with someone that supports your mission and wants to play a role in helping you accomplish your goals. With spring finally here, you'll likely be restless for some adventure once Mars moves into Aquarius on the 30th. Now that Mercury is finally direct, this would be the perfect time to gather your girls for a road trip.
Scorpio
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Family matters are your top priority in the first part of the month and you may be asked to play mediator in an ongoing conflict (unless you're the one in the middle of it). On the same day, Venus moves into Taurus giving you the grace you need to bring harmony to the situation. The Full Moon on the 9th encourages you to reassess your social circle and detox where necessary. Mercury goes direct on the same day and you're even more clear about who you're no longer in alignment with. On the 16th, Mercury moves into Pisces helping you tap into the infinite source of creativity. If you've got an audition around this time, you're sure to stand out amongst the competition.
The Sun moves into Aries on the 19th shifting your attention to your health. It's time to whip that Winter body into shape for the Summer. You're feeling more motivated than you have in a while making this an ideal time to make those lifestyle changes that will improve your overall well-being. On the 21st, Saturn moves into Aquarius getting you tapped into the wisdom & guidance of your ancestors. Over the next couple of years, you'll experience major breakthroughs in generational karma as you establish a more authentic way of existing in the world. Family planning and property investment may also be a big focus. On the 24th, the New Moon motivates you to be of service to the collective which requires you to step into your own unique style of leadership. On the 30th, Mars moves into Aquarius reminding you to see the bigger picture as you create your family's legacy through the impact you make on the world.
Sagittarius
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March starts off quietly on the tail end of Mercury retrograde drawing your attention towards your inner world. You may feel more inclined to focus on a personal project or dive into some research about a social cause of interest. On the 4th, Venus enters Taurus, helping you attract good fortune in the workplace. This placement is notorious for overindulging so be mindful of backtracking on your New Year resolution to lay off the sweets or the wine. The Full Moon on the 9th is fit for celebrating your latest career achievement. If you're feeling stuck in your professional development, this energy can illuminate how you're potentially sabotaging yourself. On the same day, Mercury goes direct then moves into Pisces to help you smooth out friction amongst the household or family members.
On the 19th, the Sun moves into Aries inviting you to indulge in more romance, creativity, and play, making this a great time to start a new project or reconnect with a childhood hobby. After spending the past couple of years in Capricorn, Saturn transitions into Aquarius on the 21st. During this transit, you're invited to restructure the way you communicate and connect with others. Building a social media presence may be one of your top priorities and the easiest way to get your voice heard. The New Moon on the 24th encourages you to put yourself out there when it comes to love. Don't be afraid to seize the moment! March comes to a close with energetic Mars moving into Aquarius, making it the perfect time for some Spring Break fun.
Capricorn
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March kicks off with you renegotiating your contract with your employer or adjusting your rates for your services. Either way it goes, your prices are going up. On the 4th, Venus moves into Taurus, bringing you good fortune and lots of romance. Pluto and Saturn have been giving you enough shit, so enjoy the blessings of this transit. The Full Moon on the 9th encourages you to always be curious and open to change which could result in you parting ways with some old beliefs that don't support the direction you're going in. Trust yourself, Cappie. There is no guru outside of you. On the same day, Mercury goes direct in Aquarius before moving forward into Pisces on the 16th which has you deep in your feels. Channel your emotions into your art instead of your Twitter timeline, please.
On the 19th, the Sun moves into Aries which brings your attention to home and family. This energy can be impatient and ready to pop off, so practice a little extra patience with your loved ones over the next few weeks. Your ruling planet, and the thorn in everyone's side, finally moves out of your sign and into Aquarius on the 21st. This next Saturn transit gives you the opportunity to clear up karma related to your self-worth and finances which is ultimately aligning you with greater prosperity to come over the next couple of years. On the 24th, the New Moon invites you to be a pioneer in your family. Don't be afraid to live the wildest dreams your ancestors only imagined. The month comes to an end with Mars getting you focused on increasing your flow of income and impacting the world for the greater good.
Aquarius
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The month begins with Mercury dipping back into your sign mid-retrograde. If anyone is getting random texts from their ex(es), it'll be you. On the 4th, Venus moves into Taurus and love matters take on a more private approach. You'll likely just want to cuddle up with bae in the comfort of your own home. On the 9th, the Full Moon liberates you from the torment of your inner critic and maybe even the nightmares of that overbearing, judgmental person that you never felt good enough for. Mercury goes direct on the same day then transitions into Pisces on the 16th making this an ideal time to partake in some money magic or listen to your fav prosperity affirmations.
On the 19th, the Sun moves into Aries and your social media presence is getting a boost thanks to your bold approach in communication. Stop playing modest and flex that genius mind, and mouthpiece, of yours. Saturn, Lord of Karma, moves into your sign on the 21st restructuring the way you express yourself and engage with the world around you. By the end of this transit, you'll feel like a totally new, and much wiser, person. The New Moon on the 24th encourages you to launch that blog or podcast. All inhibitions go out the window when Mars moves into your sign on the 30th granting you just the courage you need stand proudly in your truth.
Pisces
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March begins with Mercury briefly visiting Aquarius before moving back into your sign on the 16th. On the 4th, Venus moves into Taurus, landing you a lot of attention via social media and dating apps. The Full Moon on the 9th can illuminate how you sabotage your relationships, and yourself, by constantly playing the role of captain save-a-hoe. Boundaries are your saving grace. Don't be afraid to say "no" to a person or opportunity that needs too much fixing. On the same day, Mercury goes direct and you're feeling more comfortable expressing some of the insights you gained during your brief hiatus. On the 16th, people are hanging on your every word and you've got the power to heal the masses, or at least the people that value your wisdom.
On the 19th, the Sun moves into Aries which is a nice boost for your self-esteem. Stop playing humble and recognize just how talented you are. There are so many ways for you to make money and it's time for you to boldly pursue a secret dream of yours. On the 21st, Saturn moves into Aquarius where it'll spend the next couple of years dissolving subconscious patterns and karmic contracts that are blocking you from fully stepping into your destined path. The New Moon on the 24th instills the courage that you need to go for it. March comes to a close with Mars moving into Aquarius, giving you a chance to reconnect with your vision and your conviction more than ever before.
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Featured image by Laci Jordan for xoNecole
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RELATED
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Relationships aren’t for people who merely want to be catered to (or is it coddled?) all of the time. Relationships are for those who want to be transformed — and that requires being challenged to become a better version of yourself. And yes, that means being willing to give exactly what you want to receive.
Keeping that in mind, what is something that research says will cause a relationship to be a thriving success? Well, before we get into all-a-dat, I’ll just say that I’m not even sure how many therapists/counselors/life coaches would remain in business if people really put what I’m about to say into genuine and consistent practice — I’m not exaggerating either. Because, when I read an article not too long ago about the one thing that science says creates happy unions (although, I personally think that healthy should always trump happy), it made all the sense in the world why “it” would be the answer — and why so many folks struggle to do it.
Because although the answer is simple, easy? Well, that’s another matter entirely. If you keep reading, I think you’ll get where I’m coming from when I say that, too.
The Key to a Happy Relationship Is…
GiphyOkay, so this past winter, Newsweek published an article entitled, “Science Reveals the Simple Secret Behind Happy Relationships.” Before I share, do you first want to take a stab at what the secret is? Well, according to a particular popular study, something that can either help you to remain satisfied if you are currently in a relationship or can make you especially attractive if you are currently looking for one is the art of knowing — more specifically, being intentional about understanding your partner and communicating in a way where you are clearly understood (in walks, the famous quote by author Stephen R. Covey via his bookThe 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: “First seek to understand, then to be understood.”).
My mind constantly has songs running through it (which I personally think is a good thing) and the one that immediately came to mind here is Xscape’s throwback “Understanding.” Sing it with me now: “What I need from you is understanding. How can we communicate, if you don’t hear what I say? What I need from you is understanding. So simple as 1, 2, 3. Understanding is what I need.”
And while, on the surface, this revelation might seem like the biggest “duh” to be shot around the world, the reality is that if understanding was so obvious, why aren’t more people actually being that way towards their partner? While it could be that some folks are either too emotionally immature or too selfish to be in a relationship, to begin with, I’d venture to say the far greater issue is a lot of people know what understanding looks like in theory but not fully and totally when it comes time to actually execute it.
So, allow me to take out a moment to explain six ways that understanding manifests itself in a relationship and then four ways that it…well, doesn’t.
Signs of an Understanding Partner
1. An Understanding Partner Is Empathetic
GiphyIf you are not just willing but as able as possible to put yourself into the shoes of another, this makes you a pretty empathetic individual. That’s because empathy is literally about trying to see things from another person’s perspective so that you can understand them — and what you may be going through with them — better. Empathetic people are good listeners (more on that in a sec). Empathetic people focus more on the present than the past or the future (which keeps them from nagging or worrying).
Empathetic people are good with their body language (no eye-rolling, finger-tapping, or shoulders crossed, which typically convey cynicism or detachment — check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”). Empathetic people think before they speak. Empathetic people seek clarity over passing blame. Yeah, can you just imagine how much happier and especially healthier relationships would be if folks simply strived to be more empathetic? Have mercy.
2. An Understanding Partner Is a Good Listener
GiphyThere is a married couple in my life who, when it comes to communication, I am absolutely floored that they have lasted as long as they have. The husband? He’s charming and extremely funny, oh, but he can’t be quiet long enough to let you complete a sentence to save his life. SMDH. Meanwhile, his wife? To this day, she is the best listener that I have ever known. So much, in fact, that sometimes, when I’m talking to her on the phone, she is so quiet that I think that the call has dropped. LOL. And yes, this clash in their communication styles has caused her to consider divorce court more than a few times. I get why, too.
Cutting people off, talking over them, telling folks what you interpreted from what they said over what was actually stated, gaslighting or making definitive statements over asking questions — all of these are signs of not only being a poor listener but being rude, arrogant, and dismissive as well.
Y’all, while once reading an article on what makes someone a good listener, I really liked that the author said that a good listener is sincere, open-minded, and they are curious — they want to be a “student” of the conversation and not a teacher (hell, some folks act like they are nothing but a self-appointed principal!). When it comes to your listening skills, can you say that you listen like this? Better yet, ask your partner (or friends if you are single) what they think…then LISTEN for their answer.
3. An Understanding Partner Is Considerate
GiphyOne of my clients? I’ve known him for about 20 years at this point, and he continues to hold the blue ribbon for being the politest person I know. Hmph. Ain’t it wild how we can be so hard on children for not displaying good manners, including basic things like saying “please” and “thank you,” when we can’t even do these things our damn selves? That said, a considerate person, yes, has great manners. They also care about not hurting other people’s feelings, will often put others’ needs before their own, are patient with people (bookmark that), and will take accountability for their actions; this includes apologizing when they are wrong.
This brings me to another married couple I know and how the husband tells me that his wife never apologizes. Ugh. The level of arrogance (and/or insecurity) that comes with not being able to humble oneself and admit when they are wrong? There is no way that I could even attempt to go the distance with the kind of person who rolls like that. Sadly, though, many do, and one study calls people who act like this “defiers.” It then went on to say that these types of individuals oftentimes cross boundaries, are apathetic, and tend to have a lower level of emotional intelligence than others do.
When I put my life coach cap on about this, I’d venture to say that a lot of people who suck at apologizing probably had parents who also sucked at modeling it to them. Either way, you can’t really love well if you’re not a considerate person (even the Bible says that love is not rude — I Corinthians 13:5 — AMPC), and a part of what comes with that is owning your mistakes, poor choices, and offenses. No wiggle room here.
4. An Understanding Partner Is Kind
GiphyOne day, I’m going to write a full article on the importance of wanting a kind man over a nice guy and why it’s also essential to be kind to that kind man as well. Like I say often, a nice person is agreeable while a kind person is benevolent — and yes, there is a big difference between the two. One of the reasons why I thought it was important to bring kindness into the chat as it relates to how to be a more understanding individual is because you don’t have to agree with everything your partner says, does, or even expects of you to be kind.
No, kindness is about being thoughtful in your approach. Kindness is about speaking in a way that you would want to be spoken to. Kindness is about being compassionate. Kindness is about finding ways to compromise so that both individuals can be happy.
Kindness shows humility. Kindness accepts that others are not like them — and that is okay. Kindness makes things easier instead of more difficult. In short, kind people like peace. And while that doesn’t mean that they are going to “lose their voice” in order to get it, at the same time, they are going to deliver everything that they do in a spirit of peacefulness…and that goes a really long way as far as any relationship is concerned.
5. An Understanding Partner Is Generous
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but when I’m in the relationship space on social media, mostly what I see and hear is pure and unadulterated selfishness. All folks are talking about is what someone should be doing for them (monetarily or otherwise), and being self-absorbed is a surefire way to sabotage a relationship (once again, even the Bible says that “love is not selfish” in certain translations of I Corinthians 13). So yeah, that being said, something else that an understanding partner does is show how much they care by being proactively generous.
A generous individual gives freely (meaning that they don’t just give to get; that is usually a form of manipulation); they also like to see what they can do to help those around them. However, some other cool things about generosity are it isn’t mean-spirited, it likes to motivate and inspire others (especially their partner), and it is quick to compliment, encourage, and also be grateful for what it receives. Know what else? Generosity knows how to be content. Most definitely, generous people live in a state of satisfaction because — get this — they plant so many seeds in so many ways that they trust in karma to take care of them…and typically…it does.
6. An Understanding Partner Is Forgiving
GiphyAnother type of person who should never get into a relationship: someone who doesn’t forgive. Forgiveness can be explained in a billion different ways and yet, at the end of the day, I think one of the easiest breakdowns is it’s granting someone the kind of mercy and grace that you know you need to receive. Whew, the hypocrisy of individuals who think that they should be pardoned for their offenses while holding forgiveness like a weapon over other folks’ heads? How delusional can they be?
Anyway, understanding people get that forgiveness is a key ingredient to a successful relationship. For everyone else, check out “Are You A 'Bad Forgiver'? Read This And See.” — if you see yourself in it, either apologize to your partner for being that way or pump the breaks on getting into a relationship until you can “refine that skill.” Because, if there’s one thing that you’re going to have to do, more than a lil’ bit, it’s forgive (and, if you’re really being real…you’re going to have to ask for forgiveness too).
Signs Your Partner Doesn't Understand You
1. A Misunderstanding Partner Is a Poor Communicator
GiphyWhile checking out an article on a lawyer’s website not too long ago, it stated that 70 percent of men said that nagging and complaining led to the ultimate breakdown in communication when it came to their marriage. And before anyone deflects or dismisses this, even the Good Book says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman.” (Proverbs 21:9 — AMPC)
The article then went on to say that 60 percent of men stated that a lack of appreciation also caused communication issues. Meanwhile, 80 percent of women shared that they felt a disconnect in the communication department whenever their thoughts and feelings weren’t validated, while 60 percent were simply sick of their partner talking too much about himself.
And y’all, if one person feels nitpicked to death and the other feels unheard, how can there be any type of effective communication going on — and without that, no real connection can be made/nurtured/maintained.
This one right here? From the first date with someone, pay very close attention to if they are displaying any of these signs and if you are as well. Because there really is no point in trying to build with a person if poor communication is evident straight out the gate.
2. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Unappreciative
GiphyAt the end of the day, appreciation is really all about gratitude — about displaying an attitude of thankfulness. And when it comes to being appreciative, I’ve always liked the quote by author Eckhart Tolle that says, “Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance;” the quote by author and professor Sonja Lyubomirsky that says, “Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation;” the quote by actor Doris Day that says, “Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty;” the quote by author John Ortberg that says, "Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation” and the Vietnamese Proverb, “When eating fruit, remember the one who planted the tree.”
What all of these things mean to me is when you look at what you already have and acknowledge how grateful you are for it, that keeps you in the present moment so that you are putting less pressure on your partner and your relationship. And y’all, even though sometimes pressure produces diamonds, as Chad from Insecure once said, “Pressure busts pipes” — and not always in a good way. Balance is key. Appreciation helps to keep things in balance.
3. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Disrespectful
GiphyY’all want to talk now or later about how Scripture instructs husbands to love their wife and wives to respect their husband (Ephesians 5:33)? Respect is about esteeming someone, and if you really want to take it to church, the Classic Amplified Version of I Peter 3:2 says that husbands should also be reverenced and that should look like this: “…[for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].”
Yeah, there really is no telling how much marital relationships would improve if more husbands decided to love from a “nourish and cherish” perspective (Ephesians 5:29), and more wives actually put respecting their husbands into daily rotation.
Anyway, in general, no one really understands how to love someone properly if they are disrespectful towards them: yelling in conversations and/or belittling in arguments; being dismissive of boundaries; acting flippant about their partner’s needs; making commitments and then not honoring them; being hypercritical; acting abusively (on any level including mentally and emotionally); not valuing their partner’s thoughts and opinions — oh, I could go on and on with this one. Truly, words cannot express how many people ruin their relationship, and it’s all due to how disrespectful they actually are.
4. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Impatient
GiphyLove. Is. Patient. It’s Scriptural, too (I Corinthians 13:4). Being patient is about not only knowing how to wait but how to wait well. In fact, as I’ve shared in other articles on the platform before, patience is defined as “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Hmph. It’s a sermon series, all on its own, how many people don’t love as much as they think they do (and definitely not as well) because they don’t know how to deal with trials that come in relationships — and trials WILL come.
Signs of being an impatient person: you get irritated easily; you have a short temper; you find yourself competing with other people; you think “wait” means “no” (or never); you make snap decisions; you constantly put feelings over actual facts; your tongue moves ahead of your brain; you stress yourself and others out; you rush, and you don’t know how to handle delays in a calm and mature manner. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? Okay, so why would you expect someone else to be fine with it? (Ouch.)
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The fun thing about writing articles like this one is, that although the study simply said that understanding is what’s required to have a great relationship, that means nothing if we don’t understand what understanding actually is.
Hopefully, now, you’ve got a bit more insight into it because, now that you see what comes with being an understanding individual, it should be more evident than ever why these kinds of couples are able to see the distance in their own relationship as they find themselves smiling and oh so very satisfied along the way. Salute.
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