

March begins with us at the tail end of Mercury retrograde which is ending just in time for the spring. Venus is bringing in the blessings this month as she returns home to Taurus on the 4th. The Full Moon in Virgo on the 9th helps us let go of the crap that is holding us back from actualizing our greatest potential.
The astrological new year kicks off when the Sun enters Aries on March 19 restoring us with more vitality, longer days, and warmer weather. Saturn finally shifts gears this month after spending the past couple of years in Capricorn. Towards the end of the month, the New Moon lifts our spirits and Mars inspires us to work towards a better tomorrow.
Check out what's in store for your zodiac sign this month:
Aries
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
The month begins with Mercury dipping back into Aquarius giving you the opportunity to reconnect with your friends and social allies. During this time, you'll become even more clear about who will play a key role in helping you achieve your big hopes and dreams. On the same day, Venus moves into Taurus blessing your finances and self-esteem over the next few weeks. Just be mindful of overspending at Ulta Beauty or your favorite boutique. On the 9th, the Full Moon in Virgo encourages you to cut Netflix off and get your lazy ass in the gym. You're encouraged to release some bad habits to prioritize a healthier lifestyle. Messy Mercury finally goes direct on the same day moving back into Pisces. Dejavu, much? Give yourself a couple more weeks to recalibrate from the retrograde weirdness.
Your birthday season officially begins on the 19th and all eyes are on you, making it a perfect time to reveal your new and improved appearance. On the 21st, Saturn finally leaves his home sign of Capricorn to begin his transit through progressive Aquarius. During this transit, you're encouraged to get innovative when it comes to the vision and the impact you want to make on your community. The New Moon on the 24th invites you to set the intention for something you'd like to manifest by the Harvest Full Moon later this fall. March comes to a close with energetic Mars moving into Aquarius amping up the genius content for your social media while also reminding you of the power in numbers. There's no need to do it all alone, Aries. Remember—teamwork makes the dream work.
Taurus
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
The beginning of the month gives you a chance to review your strategy when it comes to climbing up the ranks in your career. An important conversation with your supervisor or an influential person can provide you with key information for achieving your goals. On the 4th, your ruling planet, Venus, moves into your sign making you a magnet for money and love. You've got the Midas touch so make the most of these next few weeks. The Full Moon on the 9th is the perfect time to reveal that project or that cute little baby bump you're growing. On the same day, Mercury goes direct and moves into Pisces on the 16th, reviving your mission to make the world a better, and more beautiful, place.
Your world gets a little more private when the Sun moves into Aries on the 19th. Over the next month, prioritize rest and moments of solitude to reflect on your past year. Make an attempt to tie up any loose ends before your birthday season. On the 21st, Saturn moves into Aquarius requiring you to put in a little more effort than usual when it comes to your career advancement. Try to stay 10 steps ahead of the game to rise above the competition. The New Moon on the 24th initiates you into the next phase of your spiritual evolution, reminding you just how powerful your divinity is. On the 30th, Mars moves into Aquarius and gives you extra motivation to expand your professional network, making this a perfect time to create that LinkedIn account.
Gemini
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
March kicks off with a quarter moon in your sign on the 2nd, making this your most productive week of the month. On the 4th, your ruling planet dips back into Aquarius, giving you the chance to brush up on your knowledge of a topic of interest. This is also a favorable time to work out any issues with immigration or international affairs. Venus, planet of love and money, moves into Taurus on the same day giving you extra support from the non-physical world. Ask and ye shall receive. On the 9th, a Full Moon in Virgo could bring family matters to a head. Avoid being overly critical of your loved ones (and try not to take it personally if someone is sharing their unsolicited advice). Channel your attention to detail to organizing and cleaning your home instead. On the same day, Mercury goes direct and moves back into Pisces on the 16th and an important conversation at work could give you a promising glimpse into your rise up the career ladder.
The Sun moves into Aries on the 19th making you the center of attention amongst your friends and also inspiring you to reconnect with the bigger vision of your life. This transit encourages you to be a leader in a world full of followers. On the 21st, Saturn leaves behind a grueling two-and-a-half year transit in Capricorn and moves into Aquarius inviting you to expand your knowledge and spiritual awareness. Going back to school, enrolling in a course, or even connecting with a mentor can do wonders for your growth over the next couple of years. The New Moon on the 24th motivates you to take a stand for a cause that is near to your heart. Focus on defining what your mission is to align with your purpose and your soul tribe. The month comes to a close with Mars moving into Aquarius reminding you that there's little truth to everyone's beliefs. Seek to find common ground instead of discrediting other people's experiences.
Cancer
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
The first half of the month brings your attention to your inner world and your closest relationships with Mercury going retro in Aquarius. This is a good time to revisit any conversations about shared assets and income. If you've been avoiding Sallie Mae, this may be a good time to arrange a plan to start paying off those student loans. On the same day, Venus moves into Taurus and you're feeling the love from your tribe and maybe even some romance from a secret admirer who wants to be more than friends. The Full Moon on the 9th encourages you to share those beautiful thoughts of yours with the world. Maybe it's time to finally go live on IG or launch that blog. Mercury goes direct on the same day and moves back into Pisces on the 16th. You've got a lot of wisdom to share and some wide-eyed followers that are pining for you to drop some gems.
On the 19th, the Sun moves into Aries, lighting the fire beneath your ass to make some major moves on the career front. As a cardinal sign, you're a natural born leader (even though that may not be the most comfortable role for you). With that being said, taking a leadership development class could win you some brownie points on the job. After spending the past couple of years in Capricorn, Saturn finally enters Aquarius on the 21st, giving you the chance to transform and heal from some karma that's affected your ability to connect with others more intimately. The New Moon on the 24th could land you a new job or promotion that you rightfully deserve. Just get ready for the extra responsibility that comes with this new role. The month ends on a high note with Mars moving into Aquarius helping you understand the bigger picture when it comes to some of your most painful experiences.
Leo
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
March kicks off with Mercury dipping back into Aquarius on the 4th giving you the chance to revisit some important plans you and a significant other are making. Renegotiating existing contracts is also favorable during this time. On the same day, Venus moves into Taurus, helping you receive the praise you love so much from your supervisor or someone you look up to professionally. The Full Moon on the 9th helps you push past a mental hang-up that's been wreaking havoc on your self-esteem and possibly your finances as well. Mercury finally goes direct on the same day, moving back into Pisces on the 16th, inviting you to delve deeper into your connections.
It's time to let those guards down to receive the love and healing you deserve.
The Sun enters your sister sign Aries on the 19th, motivating you to expand your awareness. Take a pilgrimage to a place, check out a seminar, or go back to school to enhance your wisdom. You may even consider teaching others about a topic of expertise. On the 21st, Saturn begins its transit through Aquarius giving you a chance to clear up some relationship karma. *cues Erykah Badu's "Next Lifetime"* The New Moon on the 24th inspires you to pave your own lane when it comes to your spiritual evolution. Recognize the guru within you. Towards the end of the month, you're feeling motivated to secure a more solid relationship or business partnership with someone that shares your vision.
Virgo
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
The beginning of the month draws your attention towards your physical and mental wellness. It's time to revamp your daily routine so it's more supportive of your health. On the same day, Venus moves into Taurus, bringing you fortune and blessings in the form of a much-needed vacation. You could also receive opportunities to share your expertise on a bigger platform. On the 9th, the Full Moon in your sign encourages you to show the world what you've got. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct on the same day then moves into Pisces on the 16th, giving you the chance to renegotiate the terms of a contract or to heal a significant relationship.
On the 19th, the Sun moves into Aries helping you feel empowered and ready to overcome any psychological obstacles that stand in the way of your success. This is also a good time to resolve your fears of stepping into a role of leadership. After spending the past couple years in Capricorn, Saturn finally shifts into Aquarius on the 21st, helping you get more innovative in your approach to your physical wellness. Over the next couple of years, you may be challenged to release some bad habits that aren't supportive of your health, wealth, or happiness. On the 24th, the lively New Moon could align you with some much-needed financial support, making this the perfect time to apply for that business loan. The month comes to a close with Mars moving into Aquarius, motivating you to devote more energy to acts of service and making the world a better place.
Libra
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
March begins with Mercury dipping back into Aquarius, inviting you to reconnect with a creative project or hobby. Your ruling planet, Venus, moves into Taurus on the same day, helping you attract financial support from people that value your expertise and drive. When it comes to romance, you'll be spending plenty of time indulging in the sensual pleasures of life. The Full Moon on the 9th helps you resolve the battle with your own inner critic. Pay close attention to your dreams for signs and synchronicities around this time. On the same day, Mercury goes direct then moves into Pisces on the 16th, making this a good time to schedule your annual health screening.
On the 19th, the Sun moves into Aries making your relationships the top priority over the next month. This is a promising time to establish a more solid commitment or to business partnership. Saturn, Lord of Karma, moves into Aquarius on the 21st, helping you clear out some creative and romantic blockages. On the 24th, the New Moon lands you an opportunity to connect with someone that supports your mission and wants to play a role in helping you accomplish your goals. With spring finally here, you'll likely be restless for some adventure once Mars moves into Aquarius on the 30th. Now that Mercury is finally direct, this would be the perfect time to gather your girls for a road trip.
Scorpio
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
Family matters are your top priority in the first part of the month and you may be asked to play mediator in an ongoing conflict (unless you're the one in the middle of it). On the same day, Venus moves into Taurus giving you the grace you need to bring harmony to the situation. The Full Moon on the 9th encourages you to reassess your social circle and detox where necessary. Mercury goes direct on the same day and you're even more clear about who you're no longer in alignment with. On the 16th, Mercury moves into Pisces helping you tap into the infinite source of creativity. If you've got an audition around this time, you're sure to stand out amongst the competition.
The Sun moves into Aries on the 19th shifting your attention to your health. It's time to whip that Winter body into shape for the Summer. You're feeling more motivated than you have in a while making this an ideal time to make those lifestyle changes that will improve your overall well-being. On the 21st, Saturn moves into Aquarius getting you tapped into the wisdom & guidance of your ancestors. Over the next couple of years, you'll experience major breakthroughs in generational karma as you establish a more authentic way of existing in the world. Family planning and property investment may also be a big focus. On the 24th, the New Moon motivates you to be of service to the collective which requires you to step into your own unique style of leadership. On the 30th, Mars moves into Aquarius reminding you to see the bigger picture as you create your family's legacy through the impact you make on the world.
Sagittarius
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
March starts off quietly on the tail end of Mercury retrograde drawing your attention towards your inner world. You may feel more inclined to focus on a personal project or dive into some research about a social cause of interest. On the 4th, Venus enters Taurus, helping you attract good fortune in the workplace. This placement is notorious for overindulging so be mindful of backtracking on your New Year resolution to lay off the sweets or the wine. The Full Moon on the 9th is fit for celebrating your latest career achievement. If you're feeling stuck in your professional development, this energy can illuminate how you're potentially sabotaging yourself. On the same day, Mercury goes direct then moves into Pisces to help you smooth out friction amongst the household or family members.
On the 19th, the Sun moves into Aries inviting you to indulge in more romance, creativity, and play, making this a great time to start a new project or reconnect with a childhood hobby. After spending the past couple of years in Capricorn, Saturn transitions into Aquarius on the 21st. During this transit, you're invited to restructure the way you communicate and connect with others. Building a social media presence may be one of your top priorities and the easiest way to get your voice heard. The New Moon on the 24th encourages you to put yourself out there when it comes to love. Don't be afraid to seize the moment! March comes to a close with energetic Mars moving into Aquarius, making it the perfect time for some Spring Break fun.
Capricorn
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
March kicks off with you renegotiating your contract with your employer or adjusting your rates for your services. Either way it goes, your prices are going up. On the 4th, Venus moves into Taurus, bringing you good fortune and lots of romance. Pluto and Saturn have been giving you enough shit, so enjoy the blessings of this transit. The Full Moon on the 9th encourages you to always be curious and open to change which could result in you parting ways with some old beliefs that don't support the direction you're going in. Trust yourself, Cappie. There is no guru outside of you. On the same day, Mercury goes direct in Aquarius before moving forward into Pisces on the 16th which has you deep in your feels. Channel your emotions into your art instead of your Twitter timeline, please.
On the 19th, the Sun moves into Aries which brings your attention to home and family. This energy can be impatient and ready to pop off, so practice a little extra patience with your loved ones over the next few weeks. Your ruling planet, and the thorn in everyone's side, finally moves out of your sign and into Aquarius on the 21st. This next Saturn transit gives you the opportunity to clear up karma related to your self-worth and finances which is ultimately aligning you with greater prosperity to come over the next couple of years. On the 24th, the New Moon invites you to be a pioneer in your family. Don't be afraid to live the wildest dreams your ancestors only imagined. The month comes to an end with Mars getting you focused on increasing your flow of income and impacting the world for the greater good.
Aquarius
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
The month begins with Mercury dipping back into your sign mid-retrograde. If anyone is getting random texts from their ex(es), it'll be you. On the 4th, Venus moves into Taurus and love matters take on a more private approach. You'll likely just want to cuddle up with bae in the comfort of your own home. On the 9th, the Full Moon liberates you from the torment of your inner critic and maybe even the nightmares of that overbearing, judgmental person that you never felt good enough for. Mercury goes direct on the same day then transitions into Pisces on the 16th making this an ideal time to partake in some money magic or listen to your fav prosperity affirmations.
On the 19th, the Sun moves into Aries and your social media presence is getting a boost thanks to your bold approach in communication. Stop playing modest and flex that genius mind, and mouthpiece, of yours. Saturn, Lord of Karma, moves into your sign on the 21st restructuring the way you express yourself and engage with the world around you. By the end of this transit, you'll feel like a totally new, and much wiser, person. The New Moon on the 24th encourages you to launch that blog or podcast. All inhibitions go out the window when Mars moves into your sign on the 30th granting you just the courage you need stand proudly in your truth.
Pisces
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
March begins with Mercury briefly visiting Aquarius before moving back into your sign on the 16th. On the 4th, Venus moves into Taurus, landing you a lot of attention via social media and dating apps. The Full Moon on the 9th can illuminate how you sabotage your relationships, and yourself, by constantly playing the role of captain save-a-hoe. Boundaries are your saving grace. Don't be afraid to say "no" to a person or opportunity that needs too much fixing. On the same day, Mercury goes direct and you're feeling more comfortable expressing some of the insights you gained during your brief hiatus. On the 16th, people are hanging on your every word and you've got the power to heal the masses, or at least the people that value your wisdom.
On the 19th, the Sun moves into Aries which is a nice boost for your self-esteem. Stop playing humble and recognize just how talented you are. There are so many ways for you to make money and it's time for you to boldly pursue a secret dream of yours. On the 21st, Saturn moves into Aquarius where it'll spend the next couple of years dissolving subconscious patterns and karmic contracts that are blocking you from fully stepping into your destined path. The New Moon on the 24th instills the courage that you need to go for it. March comes to a close with Mars moving into Aquarius, giving you a chance to reconnect with your vision and your conviction more than ever before.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here to receive our latest articles and news straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Laci Jordan for xoNecole
- Cultivating Mindfulness: The Best Meditation Practices For Your ... ›
- Your March 2021 Horoscope Is Here - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Monthly Horoscope | Monthly Horoscope March 2020 - YouTube ›
- Horoscopes 2020 - Free Daily, Weekly and Monthly Horoscopes for ... ›
- Monthly Horoscopes March 2020 - YouTube ›
- March Monthly Horoscope 2020 - This Month's Horoscope for All ... ›
- Pisces March 2020 Horoscope - Pisces Monthly Horoscope ›
- March 2020 monthly horoscope ›
- March 2020 Monthly Horoscope ›
- March Horoscope – 2020 Monthly Horoscope – Astrology King ›
- March 2020 monthly horoscope for all zodiac signs ›
- March 2020 Horoscope Predictions For All | SunSigns.Org ›
Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
We All Mess Up Sometimes. But Can You Trust A Friend's Apology?
Although what I mostly deal with when it comes to the clients that I have is romantic relationships, there are definitely times when other topics come up. For instance, recently, someone was talking to me about some drama that they were going through with a friend of theirs. Emotionally, they felt like they were in a bit of a bind because while, on one hand, they had been friends with this individual for over 15 years at this point, on the other, there were certain things that they had done, more than once, that were starting to take its toll.
When I asked my client if they had clearly articulated their feelings, concerns, and boundaries to that individual, they admitted that they hadn’t.
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
Sometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
One day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
Now that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
If you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
____
No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image Pheelings Media/Getty Images