When it comes to the topic of oral sex, I can tell you, off the rip, that if there's one thing that both men and women can agree on, it's the fact that far too many people think that so long as they've got their mouth somewhere in the vicinity of their partner's genitalia, they are actually doing something. Absolutely not. Not even close.
At this point, I'm not sure I can be too "TMI" when it comes to the things that I share about my own life, including my sex life (check out "14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners"). So, when it comes to oral sex, specifically, I'll just put on out there that I actually asked my second sex partner to give me some lessons on how to do it in a way where he would be more than happy that I was "down". Personally, I was on a mission to take him to heights that were pleasurable beyond measure. He was a great teacher. I'll just leave it at that. #wink
It's because of him and all that I learned that I am a huge fan of folks not settling for less, yes, even when it comes to oral sex. So, if you happen to have a partner who is ready and willing to please, yet he's not really "hittin' on all cylinders" (if you know what I mean), I've got a few tips on how you can get him to perform cunnilingus, just the way you like it, without making him feel embarrassed, self-conscious or uncomfortable in the process.
Know What You Like
How in the world can someone please you if you don't even know what you like? And if the first thing that you want to say to me is, "I mean, so-and-so did it right", my first reply is, "Your current partner is not so-and-so" and my second is, "OK…and what does 'right' mean?". While there is so much to be said for sexual chemistry and the fact that some people just automatically gel, when that doesn't happen with the next person, that doesn't (automatically) mean they are a bad sex partner (check out "Is There REALLY Such A Thing As 'Bad Sex'?"). Sex is an ultimate form of communication, so it's important that you know what really turns you on and gets you off so that you can articulate all of that to him. Otherwise, expecting him to read your mind makes you a part of the reason why you're not getting what you want — and need. Straight up.
Play Some Music
I remember once reading that, from a scientific standpoint, R&B music has a way of putting us in a romantic mood while calming our senses at the same time. I definitely have no objections there and that's why I recommend putting on some R&B music during the act. For one thing, dead silence could potentially make you nervous while leaving your partner feeling self-conscious. Plus, when you're both listening to some of your favorite jams, that can put everyone involved at ease, making it easier to let loose and go with the flow.
Bring in Some Condiments
A couple of months ago, I wrote, "12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious" for the platform. Hmm, that reminds me. Do any of y'all remember the restaurant The Cooker from back in the day? They used to sell a pie that was beyond wonderful. Anyway, if you got it to-go, all of the condiments would come on the side — stuff like chocolate syrup, whipped cream and caramel sauce. One of my favorite past sex partners, we took that back to the hotel room I was staying in and as I put some down around "her" (again, #wink), I remember he exclaimed, "Thank you. THANK YOU!" followed by, "my favorite two things in one!".
Yeah, sex condiments are dope on a few levels. They can make sex more fun and delicious (literally). If it's your partner's first time with you (or maybe first time, period), it can make them less "anxious" about entering into that space. And because — let's be honest — if things are going well, there is quite a bit of bodily fluid going on, it can make it easier for him to take it all in. For instance, you can put the condiment where you especially like to be licked and, believe you me chile, he will eat it right on up (pun intended and not intended at the same time) without hesitation.
Kiss His Lips…the Way You Want Yours Kissed
Ever been with someone who acts like they're trying to literally lick the Black off of you during oral sex? Like sir, relax. Sometimes men think that just because they want fellatio with a certain level of intensity that we are the same way when that oftentimes isn't the case at all. A way to get him to be a little more gentle is to take his face into your hands and let him know that the way you are about to kiss him up top is the way that you desire to be kissed down below. I know this is pretty effective because I've recommended it to some of my married clients and it improved things tremendously. One husband told me that it was because men like to be shown more than told what to do (sexually) a lot of the time. Makes sense. This actually brings me to my next point.
Avoid Being an “Oral Nazi”
Not too long ago, I did an interview where I was asked if I ever get triggered in counseling sessions. Chile…CHILE. You don't have the time and I don't have the writing space to get into all of that. What I will say is what tops the list is listening to someone who can dish criticisms — if not all-out berating — all day long and yet can't take it from their partner one bit. Where I am going when it comes to this particular topic is, how would you feel if "he" thought you sucked at giving head…and not in a good way? As a direct result, the entire time you were doing it, he barked directives at you? Well, you know what the Golden Rule says — a variation of it is don't dish what you can't take. Spending the entire time saying "do this" or "don't do that" is not only a little demeaning, it also doesn't make him want to continue…or return. There are other ways to get your points(s) across. One way is right below this.
Guide Him via Your Body Language
I'm pretty sure that you've heard somewhere that around 90 percent of communication is non-verbal. What a lot of experts are now saying is it's more like 55 percent of communication is body language, 38 percent is tone of voice (a lot of people underestimate that part) and seven percent are actual words.
Either way, the greatest takeaway is that body language is huge when you're trying to convey something to someone else. Pulling his head into you. Guiding his fingers. Moving your pelvis either towards him (signaling "good") or away (signaling "not so good"). Slowly gyrating when you like something and slowing significantly down when you don't. Opening yourself up with your fingers so that he can get right where you want him to be. All of these are ways to get him to do — and not do — the things that you like…each without saying a single word.
Be His “Motivation”
To this day, I don't think there's a song (or visual) by Kelly Rowland that I like more than "Motivation". And listen, if there is ever a time and place when a man doesn't mind hearing "go, go, go…GO", it's during the act of sex. While I'm not the biggest fan, overall, of egos being in the bedroom, being your partner's ultimate cheerleader while he is doing all that he can to make you happy? I am definitely all about that. If dirty talk inspires him, do it. If he's hitting the right places, let him know. If you're on the brink of climaxing, find a way, verbally, to make that abundantly clear in order to boost his confidence to bring you to completion. Far too many fellas have told me that even if cunnilingus isn't their favorite thing in the world to do, hearing their partner get super hype makes it something that they look forward to…just on sheer hype-ness alone.
Stay in the Moment
One of the biggest mistakes that people make when it comes to sex — any kind of sex — is being so caught up in the end result that they don't take out the time to just…be in the moment. While there are very few things in this life that will ever top an earth-shattering orgasm, if you are overly preoccupied with getting to one, that can tense you up which could stress the both of you out, because the less relaxed you are, the harder it is for even the best lover to please you. So, instead of taking on the mindset that you want your partner to improve in order to make you climax, think more in the lane of you wanting your partner to learn how to please you so that you can enjoy just…being with him. That way, the pressure will remove itself and pleasure unspeakable can surely have its will and its way. Wheeeeew.
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It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Getty ImagesStep 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
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Below, Angel shares the skincare products that make her skin glow and her go-to makeup looks.
Check out her routines below.
Skincare
Vogue/YouTube
Angel starts with La Roche-Posay Hydrating Gentle Cleanser. “I love skincare. Makes me feel good, makes me feel cleanse, especially after a long day because I’m always on the go,” she said. “I play sports, so my face is always drenched with sweat, and I always gotta keep it clean.”
Vogue/YouTube
Angel uses two moisturizers. She uses Fenty Skin Hydra Vizor Invisible Moisturizer SPF 30 first and follows it up with Cetaphil Soothing Gel Cream with Aloe.
"You have to use the thinnest layer and then the thickest layer," she said. "I learned these tips because one time I posted a skincare routine and they were like, you need to run that back. And they taught me you need to do thin then thick and then I could see the complete difference with my skin."
Vogue/YouTube
She keeps Laniege Lip Balm with her at all times, including during games.
Vogue/YouTube
One-Size Setting Spray is her go-to for keeping her makeup fresh on the court. “I usually spray my beauty blender with my setting spray,” she said. “People usually wet the beauty blender under the water, but why not set it with this.”
Vogue/YouTube
She rounds out her beauty routine with mascara, brows, and her lip combo using Rare Beauty Kind Words Lip Liner and Covergirl Clean Fresh Yummy Gloss. But before closing, she made sure to give flowers to the WNBA stars before her who were also known for getting glammed on and off the court.
“I gotta give kudos to the girls who were wearing makeup before. Lisa Leslie, Skylar Diggins, Candace Parker. Everybody already had their edges and their lashes, lipstick on," she said. "Tina Thompson; she used to wear a full red lip on her lips during the game, but that’s something I could probably never do.”
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Feature image by Vogue/YouTube