The random stuff that I find myself thinking about and then researching, I get it from my daddy. Back when he was still alive, it was nothing for him to send me fun facts, usually during the most obscure hours of the morning, on exotic animals, random independent artists and historical info. So, if you're wondering what compelled me to sit up one day and wonder where the phrase "make love" comes from, you can thank him—and the fact that I write about sex and relationships for a living. Oh, and also the fact that it's the kind of phrase that irks me to no end.
To tell you the truth, I've always been that way about the term. I'm not sure if it's due to how casually sex is treated by so many people, or the insane amount of expectation that is placed on the act—but to automatically assume that sex is the act of "making love", that seems a little…ill-defined. At least, to me. But before diving deeper into why I feel that way, let's look at where in the heck the phrase came from in the first place, shall we?
When Did Folks Start Saying “Make Love” Anyway?
So, after doing a bit of research, there are a couple of things that I found to be interesting about the history of "make love". First, one article that I read stated that, as far back as the 1600s, the dictionary defined the phrase in a way that had absolutely nothing to do with sex (or sexual activity) at all. According to it, make love used to be defined as something very sweet and extremely innocent. What it meant was "to pay amorous attention; to court, woo". Hmm. Interesting.
There is another article that I read that basically co-signs on the fact that make love used to have nothing to do with the actual act of sex. Back in the 1800s, when a man was trying to woo a woman into courtship (because back then, you didn't date unless courtship was the goal. Check out "This Is Why You're So Frustrated With Dating" for a breakdown on what courting actually means), the steps that he would take were called "love making". If a man showed significant interest, if he gave the object of his affection gifts, if he took her out—all of these things were referred to as making love.
And how did it "evolve" into sex? Apparently, by the turn of the 20th century, the Oxford Dictionary redefined making love as—"to engage in sexual intercourse, esp. considered as an act of love; frequently used with to, with".
So, make love used to refer to a man using gestures to court a woman. Then it transitioned into being sexual intercourse with someone that you love.
Both sound pretty good, right? To a large extent, I'd agree; especially when it comes to the courtship point because I like the thought of a man being intentional about wooing a woman as he is trying to "make love happen" with her. So, why do I feel like we should stop using the phrase "make love" as much as we do? Ironically, it's because of what the definitions of "make" and "love" mean.
Make. Love. Revisited: What does Making Love Really Mean?
Is it truly possible that the act of sex—especially sexual intercourse—can make love happen? Well, if you read articles on our site like, "Experts Believe Passion (Not Love) Makes Sex Better. You Agree?", the answer would be "no". Believe you me, I know a lot of people (myself included) who have had some truly mind-blowing sex with people they didn't love; sometimes with people they barely even like (see "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner"). Although it can be a hard life lesson, we need to make sure that we don't mistake strong attraction and carnal compatibility with true love. So already, you can probably see why the phrase doesn't impress me. Let's move on, though.
Next, let's look at the definitions of "make" and "love". To make something is "to bring into existence by shaping or changing material, combining parts, etc." and "to produce; cause to exist or happen; bring about". Love? Personally, I don't think that dictionary definitions do the word nearly enough justice, but to be fair, here is one—"an intense emotion of affection, warmth, fondness, and regard towards a person or thing". Like I said, that's not nearly good enough. How about we go with a Bob Marley quote on love? It's a lengthy one, but it's pretty fitting.
"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.
Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition, but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant.
Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do.
Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart, knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security are in knowing that they are a part of your life."
Love is multifaceted. We all know this. And while I'm not sure if life only gives us one person who we can say these things about, I do feel like this is a wonderful, beautiful and cherished definition of love. Know what else? I don't think that the act of sex alone can make this happen—can bring this into existence…can produce this…or can bring this about.
That's why I'm really big on saying that sex doesn't "make love" so much as it celebrates love. The reason why I think it is so important to look at it from this perspective is, well, words are powerful. So is oxytocin. That hormone is designed to make us bond with the individuals we have sex with; it's a chemical reaction to a physical act. But if we automatically think that just because we get an oxytocin surge or just because we're sexually compatible with someone, that it automatically means that love is being made—goodness, y'all. Do you see the kind of mess that can make? Has made? Is making?
I know people who've had a one-night stand and believed they made love with the person. Lord. If you've seen the old school classic film Fatal Attraction (Michael Douglas, Glenn Close), you know that Ms. Cray-Cray used that phrase after the second night of sleeping with a married man. Things didn't end well for Dan (the cheater) and his family, Alex (the crazy chick) or Dan's daughter's rabbit. I know people who've remained in emotionally draining and totally unhealthy relationships because they believe their partner is making love to them; they don't have much in common anywhere else but, since the sex is good, they feel that love exists somewhere in the dynamic. I also know individuals who know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that they are settling for less in their relationship or situationship. Still, they keep engaging in coitus, hoping that it will literally make their partner fall in love with them; they feel that since they "make love" to their partner on a consistent basis, they keep telling themselves that being in love is inevitable. Geeze. Not only is that a lot of pressure to put on oneself, it's a lot of pressure to put onto sex as well.
Now do you see why, whenever I hear the phrase used on television, in a song or in casual conversation, more times than not, I'm internally rolling my eyes? Sex brings about love. Yeah…it just doesn't sit well with me.
And what about married folks or people who are in long-term commitments? Do they make love? While I definitely think that the phrase applies to them most, I'd also be willing to step on out there and say that a lot of them would state that love is made outside of the bedroom more than in it. When you forgive your partner, that's making love. When you accept them without trying to change them, that's making love. When you make compromises—and sometimes sacrifices—for the health and well-being of the relationship, that is making love. And then, when you have sex with this individual? That's celebrating all of the love that you've given to that person. That is when you are doing some of the synonyms for celebrate—bless, proclaim, commend, feast, perform, honor, revel, rejoice, revere and let loose.
"Make love" is so saturated into our culture that I know it's still gonna be used—and misused—to death. But hopefully, this at least provided another way to look at the term. Sex is amazin'. But to expect it to make something as BIG as love? I just think that's not giving love all of the credit that it deserves nor is it seeing sex from a truly realistic perspective. Use sex to celebrate love not make it. I think you'll be a lot happier that way if you do. But hey, that's just me.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important
Ask These Sex-Related Questions BEFORE You Marry Him
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RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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