
Luvvie Ajayi: What You Should Know About The Humor Blogger Turned Best-Selling Author

Scour Luvvie Ajayi's Twitter feed on any given day and you'll be sure to laugh, suck your teeth, get your life, or maybe all of the above. The founder of popular pop-culture blog, Awesomely Luvvie, has made it her mission to engage or enrage you, and by no means does the self-proclaimed “troublemaker" have plans to slow down any time soon.
Photo Credit: Luvvie Ajayi
Today's comedian isn't just found in your local comedy club or creating six-second Vine videos, they're penning laugh-worthy posts that are both insightful and unapologetic, and in a digital age where everyone's struggling to find their place and to keep up with the ever-changing pace of technology, some of them are even getting paid to be themselves.
Bloggers like Luvvie have managed to create a space uniquely their own by staying true to who they are even when it may mean sacrificing paychecks from big brands, but as the culture critic and digital strategist unashamedly confessed during a #MentorMonday session with matchmaker and tech startup founder, Paul C. Brunson, “I may have talked myself out of rooms, but I believe that those rooms don't matter. The ones that matter are the ones I'm already in and the ones that see me and say, 'She should be in this room.'"
Not only is she in the rooms, but the Nigerian-born techie who also runs Awesomely Techie, is walking red carpets, doing interviews with Oprah, giving TED Talks speeches, and releasing straight-like-that-no-chaser books like, I'm Judging You: The Do Better Manual, that cemented it's place on best sellers lists. This week, it was announced Shonda Rhimes acquired the rights to Luvvie's book and it will be turned into a Shondaland cable comedy series.
Winning!
Let Luvvie tell it, she's a 13-year overnight success. In other words, she started from the bottom and now she's here.
Photo Credit: Luvvie Ajayi
Just twenty-one years ago, a nine-year-old Luvvie left her nine-bedroom home in Nigeria and settled in Chicago. Though she now proudly boasts of her Nigerian roots and culture, as the new girl, she struggled to fit in, and by sophomore year, had ditched her accent in order to adapt to her new environment. “You grow up and realize what makes you different is what makes you stand out in the best way," Luvvie says.
By college, she found that her voice was not one to be diminished. During her freshman year, with the encouragement of friends, she launched a blog dishing on college life and roommates, but after graduating in 2006 with her degree in psychology and stepping into the real world, felt that it was time for a fresh start. So she shut down her old college-girl chronicles and launched Awesomely Luvvie with a humorous spin on pop-culture, politics, and anything else that piqued her interest. Though she had a passion for writing, she never imagined that her hobby would turn into paychecks. “I really didn't approach it as a career because I was not buying into the hype that this was something that I could do as a career."
"What makes you different is what makes you stand out in the best way."
Nonetheless, her fanbase grew as friends and family shared her hilarious posts where she unapologetically spoke her mind on things that others were afraid to voice. Within three years, she had grown a steady following, snagged a Black Weblog Award, and started getting brand-love for being Luvvie, adding ambassador to her bio when GAP reached out to partner with her to rock their new jeans line.
Photo Credit: Luvvie Ajayi
She also started monetizing her blog using website ads. Yet still, the idea of blogging full-time didn't hit her until a year later when she was laid off from her job as marketing coordinator for the Community Media Workshop. “I didn't know many people who were making a comfortable living as writers. It was more exception than the rule, so somebody like me who's logical and needs to have a clear path, it didn't make sense to me. I was still thinking I would go find a full-time job and get a traditional 9 to 5, but it was like the universe was trying to grab my face like pay attention, this is what you're doing."
"The universe was trying to grab my face like pay attention, this is what you're doing."
Instead of going back to working for another company, she took her knowledge of helping non-profits with social media and marketing and became her own boss as a consultant while continuing her tongue-in-cheek approach to writing. The views kept pouring in, and more brands came calling.
“They started seeing that my blog was very different than any other blog out there," Luvvie says. “A lot of bloggers have niche like fashion, style, gossip, but I was the person who was basically intersecting all of these niches and more. My audience loved everything pop culture, they loved everything race, they talked about politics, so my place is where anybody can be who they want to be. I have an incredibly engaged audience so I think brands started paying attention like she's kind of in a lane of her own and it's made me stand out."
Luvvie believes that unlike today's bloggers who often want to throw in the towel before building a real buzz, not stressing over traffic numbers and writing without expectation allowed her to focus on what mattered most—understanding her audience.
“The bad thing about bloggers now is that they're seeing all of the success from blogging and they're like, okay I'm going to replicate that. A lot of us who started eight or nine years ago, we started literally for the love of writing, and we also didn't give ourselves the pressure of success. So, for us, when we started, I just wanted to write, I didn't come out the gate like, I need 100,000 people reading my blog, I just wanted to write, so there was no measure of failure to me in that way."
Photo Credit: Luvvie Ajayi
Her wakeup call came when bigger brands started knocking at her door and notable outlets began recognizing her as one of the best voices in the blogosphere. Even The Academy Awards couldn't turn a blind eye to Luvvie's influence, and in 2012 invited her, along with blogging peer Afrobella, to be the first brown bloggers to do red-carpet coverage for the Oscars. More recently, she sat down to do an interview with Oprah, describing the experience in a recent blog post as “living in the realm of my dreams."
“If it's your purpose, sometimes doors will open for you that you might not have realized were there. And that's the best thing when finally your gift is being affirmed. For me, when I finally committed to doing this as my purpose, really good things started happening."
Photo Credit: Luvvie Ajayi
Being the voice of the people also means keeping it real, even when it's uncomfortable. Last year, she chastised bloggers for not using their influence and their platforms to address racial injustices occurring in the black community in fear of losing out on ad dollars. It's also something she weighs in on in her upcoming release, I'm Judging You: The Do-Better Manual—a handbook of sorts on how to “act right" in the digital age.
Besides giving back through books and through her HIV/AIDS awareness non-profit, The Red Pump Project, Luvvie also shares advice to wannabe bloggers: “Don't let self-doubt cripple you and render you unable to do work", and stay true to who you are—always.
“If it's your purpose sometimes doors will open for you that you might not have realized were there."
“There's always going to be two blogs that are very similar or writing about the same thing. But what makes people successful is their voice. People need to go back to what's authentic to them. It's really important for people to pay attention to themselves and speak like you speak, write like you write, and stop looking at the person next to you and seeing what they're doing because you're not running your own race because you're too distracted looking at somebody else's race and seeing just how you can be them. Just run yours. Run as fast as you can and the best way you can, as opposed to paying attention to the next person on the right."
And Luvvie is one who certainly puts her money where her mouth is.
Check out I'm Judging You: The Do-Better Manual here.
Images courtesy of Luvvie Ajayi
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Your April 2025 Horoscopes Are All About Softening Into Love & Speaking Your Truth
April is a month to slow down and to fully grasp what has been. The month starts in fiery Aries Season, but we are also in the thick of Retrograde Season as we begin the month as well. Thankfully, Mercury finally goes direct on April 7, after being retrograde mid-March, and communication matters are clearing up. This is a month of mental clarity, a fresh start, and not being afraid to dream a little bigger.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, and this Full Moon brings relationship and financial matters full circle. This is the time to let go of what doesn’t make you feel balanced or in harmony and to create space for more peace to enter your life. Venus goes direct in Pisces on the same day, after being retrograde since March 1, and love is healing. With Venus now direct, there are more opportunities for commitment and longevity in love, and there is overall a greater feeling of romance, receptivity, and compassion in the air now.
Mercury enters Aries from April 16 until May 10, and what you were trying to see through or understand better while Mercury was retrograde here last month, you are experiencing a breakthrough now. Mercury in Aries is insightful and courageous, and people are more likely to speak their minds and initiate conversation with this energy. Mars then enters Leo from April 18 until June 17, reminding us that sometimes it’s okay to be a little more selfish and to focus on what you need right now. Mars in Leo brings forth confidence, creativity, and passion, and brings an exciting energy to charge of your life and advocate for yourself.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, bringing some earth sign energy into the mix, grounding and nurturing what you are creating in your life right now. On April 27, we have a New Moon in Taurus, and this is an abundant and fruitful New Moon. This is one of the best New Moons of the year for you to set your intentions for your financial world and a time for seeing new opportunities for abundance. On the last day of the month, Venus moves into Aries until June 6th, and love requires a little more passion, independence, and excitement during this time.
Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
ARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
The Full Moon in Libra on April 12 will be a time to devote your energy to self-care, close loved ones, and overall getting some time to decompress. You are ready to let go of the things that don’t make you feel safe or nurtured and are receiving an emotional renewal right now. The New Moon in Taurus at the end of the month is a time to focus on your intentions on your community, friendships, and aspirations in life, and to pay attention to where you can create more abundance here.
LEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
On April 18, Mars enters your sign until June 17, and this is huge for you. You began the year with Mars retrograde in your sign, so you are getting the opportunity now, to rewrite some of the things that weren’t working for you at the beginning of the year. You are overcoming previous obstacles, and experiencing a breakthrough in your life this month. Before April ends, there is a New Moon in Taurus, highlighting your career, reputation, and professional life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for what goals you want to come to fruition for you now.
VIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
SCORPIO
April is a month of success, progress, and dreams coming to fruition, Scorpio. You are focused on your health, your priorities, and creating space for the new beginnings that you are creating in your life right now. The Full Moon mid-month is a big closure moment for you, and you are owning the fact that you have healed and you are no longer the same person you were in the past. This is a month of stepping into your power and feeling supported in doing so.
Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus, which will be highlighting your health and what your body needs more of right now. This is a New Moon to set your intentions for your everyday life and to create a new, beneficial routine that will make things easier for you at the end of the day. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 9th house of adventure, and you are leaving the month with your sights set high. Travel plans are likely, and this is a good time to create some new plans for yourself.
CAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation mid-month and will be fueling your need for some change, excitement, and emotional rejuvenation over the next month and a half. You are entering an impactful moment of the year for you, and you are motivated toward change right now. The New Moon at the end of the month is in a fellow earth sign, highlighting the romantic new beginnings you are entering now. Overall, this month is a process, and you are opening new doors while finding gratitude in what is here for you now.
AQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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Accountability Time: Let's Stop Calling It A 'Mistake' When It Was A 'Choice'
Several months ago, I literally stumbled across a video where someone who I’ve known for years (and have had to distance myself from due to the topic for today) was conducting a seminar on relational healing. I honestly could only stomach about five minutes of what they were saying because one of the things that they continued to mention was the harm that they had done to others was a “mistake” — although many of their same “mistakes” took place over years…decades even.
Y’all, I’ve gotta admit that I found their words to be a bit triggering — not so much because I was surprised that they were still like a broken record when it comes to refusing to take real accountability for their actions; it was more that I hear people say often, especially when they are called out on some of their continual poor habits and patterns, that what they did was a mistake when actually it was a choice — a conscious choice.
You know, back when I wrote the article, “7 Signs You Have A Toxic Relationship...With Yourself,” one of the things that I said (and wholeheartedly believe) is people who refuse to take accountability for the things that they say and do can be quite dangerous — unhealthy, unsafe, unstable — to be around. Because if you refuse to own your ish, there’s a pretty good chance that you’ll repeat it — and others will have to keep suffering (or enduring or tolerating), one way or another, as a direct result.
A business broker by the name of Steven Denn once said, “You can never make the same mistake twice because the second time you make it, it's not a mistake, it's a choice.” And although we could honestly just take up a collection and end the article there, if you’re someone who has fallen victim to someone who calls choices “mistakes” and/or you’re someone who mixes those two words around and never really realized how problematic doing so can be — let’s discuss what a mistake is, what a choice is and how it does no one any good to not know the difference between the two.
Y’all, This Is What It Means to Make a Mistake
If you were to look up the definitions of the word mistake, you’re probably going to find something that says something along the lines of “an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.” or “a misunderstanding or misconception.” Some synonyms for mistake include words like confusion, miscalculation, omission, delusion, and misinterpretation.
To me, what all of this means is, when someone makes a mistake, there is usually a lot of ignorance involved and ignorance is about not having enough information or the proper training before making a certain decision.
Back when I was a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national nonprofit organization, some of “my daughters” (which is what I would call my assigned students, for a few different reasons) would try and tell — more like attempt to convince — me that getting pregnant was a mistake. Listen, I once had a daughter whose mom shared her boyfriend with her (yes, literally). I had another daughter whose mom would take her to jail to visit the guy who beat up on her. I had another daughter whose mom and aunt once came to the school to fight a girl on her behalf. SMDH.
So, when it comes to being properly taught about their value, the purpose of sex, and why they should choose their partner’s wisely — I absolutely believe that they were ignorant…and in that realm, having sex (prematurely) was probably a mistake. Getting pregnant, though? Most of them admitted that they had some sort of sex education class prior to becoming sexually active, that they were introduced to birth control methods and, when it came to condoms, specifically, they had access to them and knew how to use them. So, going raw? Was that a mistake or a choice?
And since we all know the consequences of going raw — is getting pregnant without using birth control a mistake or a choice? I mean, I guess we could factor in the carelessness part of the definition of mistake; HOWEVER, to be careless is to be reckless and negligent — and honestly, when you have the information about the pros and cons of something and you ignore that information, again…is that a mistake or a choice?
Now watch how counterproductive at best, risky, and unsafe at worst, it is to say that being careless is a mistake — many of my daughters had more than one child, even before graduating from high school. Why? Well, since they determined in their mind that their first pregnancy was a mistake, they didn’t really take accountability for being careless and so, they ended up repeating the acts that caused them to conceive their first child because if they didn’t have to own what they did the first time, why not do it the second, third or fourth? SMDH. Since it’s all a mistake, they decided that they didn’t really play a role in what goes on in their world. To them, things just…happen. Lies. THE LIES YOU TELL.
In this life, are there things that happen that are beyond your control? Absolutely. Don’t get it twisted, though: reportedly, we all make somewhere around 33,000-35,000 choices a day, choices are the power to select from a set of options, and, more times than not, we have enough information to know which option is better than the other ones that are before us.
Take a friend of mine who, at her big age, I can’t believe how often she runs out of gas. I mean, for years, it’s been the case that she will not only drive around with the gas light on, but she will also tell herself that she has enough gas to get home…only to run out miles away from it. Not every once in a while — a few times a year. And what does she call constantly doing that? A mistake.
How in the world could it be when you know, from experience no less, that your options are (for instance) to put gas in the car well before the light comes on (personally, I try to keep mine at no less than half of a tank andcar experts say that it should never be less than a quarter of a tank full — because you never know) because you’ve run out of gas before? You don’t have insufficient knowledge about this. You are not confused. You are being careless yet being negligent is still a conscious choice.
Now if her gas gauge was broken, it hadn’t been over a week since she went to a gas station and she ran out? That is a mistake — because she didn’t have the information that she needed to make a wise decision. She also did the best she could with what she did know.
And that’s what we need to keep in mind.
An unintentional action is a mistake. Doing something that is rooted in ignorance (although some people choose to remain ignorant because the information is quite accessible to them, so they don’t qualify for this particular point) is a mistake. Being confused about something, moving forward, and it going “left” — that could possibly be a mistake (although doing something when you’re confused about it is potentially chaotic within itself). Because, in all of these instances, you didn’t have the intel that you needed to make a more optimal choice.
Here's what’s wild about what I just said though: More times than not, if it is indeed a genuine mistake, because you are treating it as the actual definition of the word, you will typically choose to learn from it and then avoid making the same mistake again — because it was an actual mistake and self-aware and mature individuals don’t want to do something that they learned wasn’t good to or right for them (and/or others) over and over again. The mistake has already cost them enough.
On the other hand, folks who are just reckless and irresponsible out here? They aren’t making mistakes — they just want to call it that to make it sound better than what is really going on: being harmful as hell…to themselves and probably those who are around them…with as little consequences as possible because they want the pity and passes that oftentimes come when people make…mistakes.
Now, This Is What It Means to Make a Choice
On the other hand, this is what it means to make a choice — a choice is about choosing, and choosing is about “selecting from a number of possibilities.” Another definition for choosing is to have a particular want or a desire. Now for people who do irresponsible stuff, all the while calling it a mistake, what they are essentially saying is they don’t have a set of options to make a better decision — yet how can that possibly be true?
Take a couple of clients that I used to have. One of the things that we continued to go round and around about is the wife’s horrendous spending habits. Whenever she would disrespect the budget and buy stuff that she didn’t need, she would call doing so a “mistake.” How is it that when you and your husband discussed how money was to be allotted, what each of you could and could not spend money on each month, and what the rules were, should one of you want to get something that wasn’t in the budget for the month?
Nah sis, you decided that you wanted something more than the peace of your household and so you made the choice to disregard the boundaries and commit financial infidelity (which yes, is absolutely a thing). You want to call it a mistake so that you can act like you weren’t making a conscious decision out of a list of options — and this means that you are telling yourself as well as your husband a bold-faced lie. You could’ve called him. You could’ve saved up. You could’ve waited. Instead, you decided to spend — that was a choice; nothing about it was a mistake.
Here's the thing, though — when you start using the word “choice” instead of “mistake,” isn’t it interesting how much it forces you to mature? That’s because you genuinely have to look yourself in the mirror (even if it’s life’s mirror) and own that, when it came to some really poor decisions that you made, you could’ve and should’ve chosen better — and you decided not to.
AND YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THAT.
Hmph. This takes me back to the person who I mentioned in the intro. There are so many things that they have done, habitually so, that they keep saying are mistakes. Don’t get me to cussin’ because you’ve done those things so often that you absolutely know that you are dead-ass wrong. Problem is, folks have let you slide so often and so much that you haven’t encountered enough consequences for your actions for you to stop doing the ish that you do and so, as I mentioned earlier, you would rather play the victim and say that you didn’t know any better, over and over again…when what really needs to happen is you need to grow TF up and take some personal accountability.
Which brings me to my next point…
People Who Call “Choices” Mistakes Usually Suck at Taking Personal Accountability
Over 30,000 choices a day. It really is a wild thing to wrap one’s head around when you really stop to think about it and yet, no wonder so many mental health experts say that our choices make up our reality. It can be something as simple as declaring that you are going to save money and yet you go out to eat for lunch at least three days a week and then DoorDash dinner another two. Now you don’t have enough money to put in your savings account every month. Are you making mistakes or poor choices?
Deciding to drive to a fast food restaurant, driving there, placing an order, pulling out your debit card, paying for the food — right there, you made four choices which gave you four different opportunities to change your mind. Blowing your budget wasn’t a mistake. You chose to do that. If you keep looking at it as a mistake, there’s a pretty good chance that you will never reach your financial goals because you will keep acting like money just keeps disappearing and there isn’t much that you can do about it.
Oh, but as someone who is aggressively saving up this year, take it from me — once you are willing to accept that where you are now is the direct result of your choices, it puts you into a mindset of knowing that you chose to be in your current state; that’s the “bad” news. The good news is you can also choose to get out of it. It will require making some changes, going through some growing pains, and enduring some sacrifices — yet as a wise person once said…in order to have something different, you must do things differently.
Folks who call everything a mistake don’t get this. Folks who grasp that their choices really do alter their lifestyle…they absolutely do. That’s because, rather than trying to avoid accepting that they need to own what they’ve done, they take full accountability — they acknowledge the specific things that they’ve done, they don’t try to deflect or excuse their actions, they don’t shift blame onto other people, they take clear and consistent steps to fix what they messed up and they don’t keep repeating the same actions. Know what else happens to accountable people?
They get that they don’t always get to choose their consequences — and they remain level-headed and gracious about that. They made the choice, they’ve gotta accept what comes with it.
The Role We Play in That Is Providing Consequences for Their So-Called Mistakes
Something that I mentioned, I believe more than once in the latest book that I wrote, is the fact that sometimes, you have to be willing to be someone’s consequence. What I mean by that is, there are some characters in that offering of mine who are HORRIBLE at taking personal accountability yet, because people never really give them any real consequences for their bad behavior — ones that they like to call mistakes that are actually not just choices but habits at this point — they just keep on doing what they want to do: railroading boundaries, gaslighting, acting like someone did something wrong to them whenever they are told that they are out of line.
And so, since they’ve been arrogantly delusional for so long and called what they are doing mistakes, they don’t really see why they should stop making them — it hasn’t cost them enough to stop making them. And that is why, after a couple of really disrespectful choices that they made at the hands of totally dishonoring my verbalized limits, I decided to be one of their consequences — meaning, if you refuse to make other choices, I refuse to be in your life. You are too unhealthy, unsafe, and unstable to be around for my own sake and, maybe, just maybe, this outcome, at the very least, will teach you to respect other people’s boundaries in the future.
I’ll give you another example. Recently, I saw a T-shirt that made me laugh. It simply said “IDFWPWFWPIDFW.” If you sit with it long enough, I think you’ll be able to figure it out. LOL. And while some folks might think that it’s juvenile to have that mindset, I dunno — I think that there are levels to things like that because, if you’ve got a friend and a person did some really damaging things to them and then you notice some side-eye stuff on your own, I’m not sure why you would want to sit in their lap. At the very least, seems like you’d want to move with some extreme caution. You can be cordial but “f-ck with them”…for what?
And with that, I will wind this down with one more story. I’ve got a friend who, before I even knew her or the guy (a guy who also is a character in my book, by the way), they went out on a date. The date was fine and so they mutually decided to schedule another one. Only, he shot her a blank. No show, no call, plus, he was actually quite flippant when she called him to see what was going on because he shared that he was bowling with some friends and he would talk to her later. Arrogant. Immature. Selfish. Fast forward to years later and — well, just read “The Nice Guy Narcissist” chapter of my book. Chile, as I was living out that chapter, there were times when she was so irritated with him.
When I would tell him, he would say things like, “[Insert name here] loves me. She’s not serious.” Yes, she was. So much in fact that, because she didn’t like how much trauma and drama that he seemed to nonstop cause, when he recently reached out to her on social media, she blocked him. She was fed up. Since knowing him, he had been a reckless person and she was at the point where she wanted him to really get that she didn’t want him in her life. Part of it was because she never really saw how any benefit outweighed the disadvantages in her own world. I’m pretty sure that another part of it is IDFWPWFWPIDFW — and since he had hurt me so much, that was “the icing” of why she was good on him.
Now, if he had treated both of us better — and hell, apologized for not doing so which is also something that he has never done; in fact, he’s someone who likes to play that victim role when his wrongdoings are brought up to him — she probably could help him out in some ways (work-wise). Oh well — that’s one of his consequences for not owning his ish. My moving on is another. Pretty sure karma will have some things in store for him too. Yeah, that’s one thing about seeing conscious choices as mistakes — if you don’t learn, life will make sure that you do…if not immediately, eventually…and oftentimes, life is not very kind.
Yeah, sometimes, the reality is that sometimes, we’ve gotta provide consequences for the people in our lives who are not self-aware enough, self-disciplined enough, self-reflective enough — shoot, HUMBLE ENOUGH to want to own their choices, so that they can make better ones. Sometimes we’ve got to dish out consequences that will cause them to at least pause and ponder over whether not taking accountability is worth the outcome(s) of not doing so.
Consequences are the result of choices — good and bad. Consequences teach us things so that we can (finally) learn.
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A late football player and coach by the name of Paul Bear Bryant once said, “When you make a mistake, there are only three things that you should ever do about it: admit it, learn from it, and don’t repeat it.” If this isn’t what’s going down…your “mistakes” aren’t mistakes — they are poor choices. It’s time to see it for what it is.
No wiggle room. Anymore.
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