I must admit that, when I saw thatLove Jones had finally—yes, finally—made it onto Netflix's viewing library, there was a part of me that smiled—a lot. Even though I've personally seen the movie so much at this point that I can almost recite the lines, verbatim, along with all of the characters, I think it's cool that a movie that is—wow—now over two decades old is something that still resonates so much with those of us who were in our 20s when it came out and with millennials and Generation Z even now.
I'm telling you, out of all of the Black movies that I'm a fan of, Love Jones continues to remain at the top of my list. It's so real. It's so relatable. It's so Black. And that is why, when I heard that it was a new Netflix feature, I asked my editor if I could pen a piece on why it's the kind of timeless classic that should warrant cozying up on the couch with your boo, having some of your girls over to watch it while sipping a little wine or introducing it to a college student who thinks it's too old to be personally relevant.
There are probably a billion reasons why I think Love Jones is an awesome tale of Black love and a great depiction of Black culture but, off of the top of my head, here are the 10 that resonate most.
1. The Love Story Is Unapologetically and Unbelievably Relatable
Darius (Larenz Tate) trying to play it cool in approaching Nina as he spills a drink at the bar. Nina (Nia Long) writing on Darius's hand but it being the word "love" and not her number. Darius semi-stalking Nina at the place where she was housesitting (yes, housesitting; she didn't have a job and that is some realism like a mug). Their first date starting off with hanging at some of his friends' house. Them experiencing a first kiss that was so intense that it led to sex—and Darius making an omelet. Darius trying to act like it was all good when she brought up seeing an ex, only to end up going off to Savon about it.
Nina showing up with Hollywood at Sheila's party, getting embarrassed while masking it as anger, Darius offering to walk her to her cab stop and saying one of my favorite lines of the film—"Stomping up and down like you lost your f—kin' bike." Nina taking Darius on a date and then trying to play coy when she was horny as well. Darius acting like he didn't care when Josie told him that Nina was leaving and then him trying to chase Nina down.
If you're a fan of the movie like I am, you know I could go on and on.
To me, one of the best things about Love Jones is it reminds us that relationships are euphoric…and messy…and wonderful…and frustrating. Darius and Nina weren't perfect or even really perfect for each other. But they loved each other, they desired each other, and that combo put the will in them to make their relationship work. Between that and the movie being set in Chicago, along with all of the Black culture nuances that ran throughout the entire film—y'all, if that ain't real and unapologetic, not just love but Black love, I don't know what is.
2. Darius and Nina Remind Us Great Sex Only Gets One So Far
I can't remember exactly where I saw or read it, but I do know that many women have praised the kissing skills of Larenz Tate (Vivica especially shouts his skills out on Sway right here). As far as the first kissing scene in Love Jones, it was so magnetic that it earned an honorable mention in The Atlantic's "Actually, Kissing Is Good" article. I get it too. Honestly, if I had to provide a list of some of the best sex scenes in a movie, Love Jones would go on that list. Nia and Larenz have some off-the-charts chemistry and, whenever I watch the movie, I must admit that it takes me back to some of my own experiences in real life (le sigh).
But about halfway into the movie, you know what else happens? I am reminded of why I thought it was important to pen articles like "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner" and "Experts Believe Passion (Not Love) Makes Sex Better. You Agree?". If you pay really close attention to how everything played out, you'll notice that a lot of what Darius and Nina shared was passion. It was really after breaking up and experiencing some independent growth that they got to the healthy love portion of the program.
Oxytocin. Orgasms. Each is one hell of a drug. Just because someone puts the "Boon doon"—as Darius called it—on you, that doesn't automatically make them your soulmate. It takes a heck of a lot more than sexual chemistry to make a relationship work and last. Love Jones teaches this lesson oh so well.
3. They Also Teach Us That Game-Playing Gets People Absolutely Nowhere
I recently penned a piece on here entitled "Women Cheat More Than We Think. What To Do If That's You." As I was reading some of the comments across our socials, I was doing a mixture of laughing and shaking my head (side to side, not up and down) because it never fails—when men cheat on women, they are jerks, full stop. When women do it, there is always a justifiable explanation. It's not totally wrong just…"kinda wrong" (if y'all say so).
Nina, boy. Her homie Josie was her girl and everything, but that advice she gave Nina regarding telling Darius about seeing Marvin to see if Darius would get jealous is emotional manipulation 101. So was Nina going there, coming back and trying to jump bad about Darius hanging out with his something-to-do-sometimes "friend", Lisa. Then, once they worked through that, Nina picked another fight over Lisa calling Darius even though Darius never asked about her kicking it with her ex or her dating his homeboy Hollywood. The games we play, y'all.
Even though the blow-up that caused Darius and Nina to break-up was hard to watch, what I liked about it is everything got out in the open; they were able to take some time apart, process, and come ultimately back together in a much more real and honest space.
Remember in the movie Two Can Play That Game (Morris Chestnut and Vivica A. Fox) where the main female character said at the end that she realized you can't control a man with games and rules—especially ones that you may not be keeping yourself? Love Jones is a movie that echoes this sentiment. Very well. Any time you're tempted to play a game or two, watch the movie instead for a little bit of a reality check.
4. All of Us Know Each of the Main Characters in Real Life
You know acting is done well when you kind of forget that that's what's happening right in front of you. The cast of Love Jones had such good chemistry and dialogue with one another that sometimes I wonder if they went off script and ad-libbed a lot of their stuff. Either way, pretty much every character reminds me of someone who I personally know to this day.
Think about it. All of us have an always-horny-always-keep-it real friend like Josie (Lisa Nicole Carson). All of us have a Sheila (Bernadette L. Clarke) who has no screen saver on her face and is constantly throwing side-eyes. All of us have an Eddie (Leonard Roberts) who is the king of "It's not what you say, but how you say it." And, all of us have a hatin' ass "friend" like Hollywood (Bill Bellamy) who we tolerate because he's funny as hell.
If Living Single is an ode to Black friendship on the tube (and it is), Love Jones is definitely an ode to Black friendship on the big screen, which brings me to my next point.
5. The Friendships Are Loyal, Authentic and Healthy (Except for Wood)
When Nina broke up with (whew, he was fine) Marvin (Khalil Kain), Josie helped her pack. When Savon was cheating on his wife with a fellow teacher, Darius called him out on it. When Wood was the wackest and pulled a Lil' Fizz (some of y'all will catch that later), the entire team let him know how foul he was for doing so. Yeah, something else that I really like about Love Jones is it's not just a romantic love story; it's a platonic one was well. It beautifully depicts intimacy between men and men, women and women and women and men—single and married alike. It's a reminder that Black love has layers and each one is stunning in its own signature and purpose-filled way.
6. Isaiah Washington Was Still Woke Back Then
2019 has blown my mind on a few levels. And while what I'm about to say probably doesn't even scratch the Top 50, it is something that caught me off guard and is relevant to this list. As a fan of the art of acting, Isaiah Washington gets his props in my book. Crooklyn. Girl 6. Dancing in September. Soul Food (the series). Get on the Bus. His bumpy-yet-still-relevant ride on Grey's Anatomy. An indie flick where he was pure evil—The Undershepherd. And yes, as the—at least to me—sexy hubby who dished more wisdom than he could take but was still conscious and woke, Savon in Love Jones. And that doesn't even really scratch the surface of Isaiah's IDMB credits.
But after he caught a few of us way off guard by announcing to the world that he was (what in the world?!) a Trump supporter (le sigh again), I've actually watched Love Jones a couple of times this year, just to remind myself that Isaiah and Savon used to have a whole lot more in common than they seem to now. Savon, talk to your boy. Goodness.
7. Creatives Are Winning
Nina is a photographer. That's dope. As a fellow writer and author, Darius quitting his job to write a book is magnificent to me. Yes y'all, not only were these two lovers both creatives, they supported one another's craft; you've got to give that props on a whole 'nother level.
Plus, the movie offers another teachable moment when it came to their professions. While they were both living in Chicago, I think a part of why they couldn't make their relationship work was because they were still trying to manifest their purpose. But isn't it interesting that once Nina moved to New York to work for, I believe it was Vibe and she thrived for a year, Darius was able to complete his novel? Then, once they were able to scratch their professional itches, they could finally get their personal lives on track?
If you're someone who is a creative and is currently on the fence about stepping out, or if you are trying to figure out if you need to put a relationship on hold until you can figure out what you want to do and be, Love Jones definitely has some scenes that you'll totally be able to connect with; they might even offer you a bit of much-needed clarity too.
8. It’s One of the Greatest Shout Outs to the Art of Spoken Word
I got my start in writing as a spoken word artist. I used to be a house poet at a joint called The Spot here in Nashville. As life would have it, the very first standing ovation that I ever received was for a piece called I'm Single and That's All Right with Me (that's still the case, by the way). I penned and performed it in the fall of 1997. Spring of 1997 is the year that Love Jones was released. Looking back, I'm pretty sure that it provided some of the inspiration that I needed. Anyone who is a spoken word artist or poet (which are similar but not exactly the same; spoken word artists and poets know that), they probably have a soft spot where this movie is concerned, simply because it pays homage to the art form. Not to mention the fact that Darius's "Brother to the Night"/"A Blues for Nina" is a classic piece. It was back then. It still is—even now.
9. The Cinematography Is (Still) on Point
As a fan of film, I really dig cinematography and yes, there are scenes from Love Jones that are truly unforgettable. Scenes like when Nina is riding on the back of Darius's motorcycle or when they are playing Hide and Seek (I guess that is what they were doing) while running on a foggy day in the park. There's Darius as he was chasing Nina's train at Union Station. Oh, and don't even get me started on how Nina has a way of always keeping her make-up looking both timeless and flawless or how, when a lighting team knows what they're doing in the presence of greatness—that would be us—Black people shine on a whole 'nother level.
There are some Black films that are cool as far as the screenplay and/or acting goes that I still don't enjoy watching that much because the visuals are dated, corny or both. Yet although I am fully aware that Love Jones is 22-years-old, and it does have a bit of a vintage feel, it still looks good. The cinematography was well done. Very much so.
10. The Soundtrack Is One of the Best…Ever
I reference music a lot in the copy that I write because music is something that I adore on so many levels. And as if all of the other reasons that I just provided weren't enough of a reason to load up your Netflix tonight, another reason to remain a fan of Love Jones until the end of time is because of the soundtrack. Listen here. There's "Hopeless" (Dionne Farris). "I Like It" (The Brand New Heavies). "The Sweetest Thing" (Lauryn Hill). "Rush Over" (Marcus Miller and Meshell Ndegeocello). "In a Sentimental Mood" (John Coltrane and Duke Ellington). And the song that needs to be on everyone's sex playlist—Maxwell's "Sumthin' Sumthin': Mellosmoothe". And shoot, those are just my personal favorites.
Man. I can't believe that penning all of this has gassed me up, once again, to either watch the movie, listen to the soundtrack, or both. But that's the power of a good film. Especially a great Black one. Good move, Netflix. Good freakin' move.
Feature image on Giphy
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The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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